Funny things your girl has said

[timmykidd2104]

Didn't know where to post this.

Just talking with my wife about how the olympics suck and nobody even knows they're on. She was asking me if I knew some swimmer, don't know who... I said the ony swimmer I know is Mark Spitz. She said Don't you mean Mark Doesn't Swallow?

I laughed my ass of at that one. Told her I had to post it here, cause she didn't think it was that funny. I love that she gets the humor of the show. Please, anyone who has other funny shit their girl/wife said please post it.

[Mother Shucker]

Does "Please take your cock out of my ass" count?

[Mystic Pain]

I dated a girl that tried to tell me that Alaska was an island. Her reasoning was that on all the maps she had seen in was out in the water next to Texas. This argument went on for 2 weeks. She was 23 years old.

In her defence she gave great head and let me put it in her ass when she had been drinking.

[Screwtape]

woman+funny≠possible

[Taso]

"Please stop hitting me, no it hurts, ouch, thats it, IM CALLING THE POLICE!"

[al885]

original poster's wife deserves a car crash

[fothermucker]

I dated a girl that tried to tell me that Alaska was an island. Her reasoning was that on all the maps she had seen in was out in the water next to Texas. This argument went on for 2 weeks. She was 23 years old.

In her defence she gave great head and let me put it in her ass when she had been drinking.
Was it really worth it? As you looked at the back of her head while ramming her ass like Grond, didn't a little part of you die inside knowing that inside that skull she was so fucking stupid that she thought and defended that Alaska was a fucking island?

[MrBogey]

It wasn't what she told me... it's what the doc told me she gave me. Loffs for all.

[Balancedchaos]

Well, one day, much to my embarassment, I had to ask my ex-girlfriend if she saw a bottle with a big 'c' word on it. She looked for a couple minutes, then grabbed it from under the bed.

'Chloro...chloro...form?'

'That's the one,' I said, grabbing a rag.

'Here you go.'

'Thanks, baby. You put that old shovel and the lime in the car, right?'

'Yeah, sugar. I can't wait to go camping this weekend.'

It was at this point that I shit my pants laughing.

[livebackwards]

"There are a lot of good female comedians. Jokes about boyfriends, periods, and chocolate never get old."

[frankjg]

"Why do you have an axe?"

[Turtle]

Does "Please take your cock out of my ass" count?
I was going to go in the same direction.:clap: :clap:

[The Sarge]

My wife has said...."that was delicious...."

That was said about my COOKING, though. :icon_conf

[DoughBoy]

"That's my ass"

[The Sarge]

"That's my ass"

I think all the women, whether our's or not...have said that. Either to us...or in front of a mirror.

[FreeTheCricket]

She honestly said this about our gay neighbor -
"So, do you think he's gay, or is he ass-fucking gay?"

Apparently "gay" is just acting gay, being a snappy dresser, and having a fabulously decorated house. "Ass-fucking gay" is when you are all those things, but you let dudes fuck you in the ass.

I still laugh about that comment.

[blazin]

My girl was trying to point some guy out across the bar, she referred to him as 'Cancer Hair'

It gave me a good chuckle...

[beenhere47yeers]

This is a giant cock!

[Boston Funbags]

This argument went on for 2 weeks. Why did it last that long? How hard is it to find a world map? I hope you proved her wrong by flying there and staying too late into bear season.

[DoughBoy]

I think all the women, whether our's or not...have said that. Either to us...or in front of a mirror.

No, I was kinda drunk, going at it doggystyle and it slipped out on a 'long stroke'... when attempting to reinsert... I noticed a serious increase in resistance to entry followed by the comment.

[EveryoneHasAIDS]

New thread title: Funny things your hole has said.
This thread should have 0 posts b/c it is impossible.

[Johnny Manf]

Didn't know where to post this.

Just talking with my wife about how the olympics suck and nobody even knows they're on. She was asking me if I knew some swimmer, don't know who... I said the ony swimmer I know is Mark Spitz. She said Don't you mean Mark Doesn't Swallow?.

A-HUR HUR HUR HUR

[The Sarge]

No, I was kinda drunk, going at it doggystyle and it slipped out on a 'long stroke'... when attempting to reinsert... I noticed a serious increase in resistance to entry followed by the comment.

ooooffffff....She still your girlfriend after that?

[ruckstande]

My ex-girlfriend and I had just pulled up to a Mobil gas station. Akbar came to the window and said "fillup?" I said, "No I'm Matt." I repeated the joke to her and she still didn't get it. I should have dumped her right there.

[HockeyHelmet]

"Please stop hitting me, no it hurts, ouch, thats it, IM CALLING THE POLICE!"

Women can be funny like that

[KneeKnee]

"No."



As if she had a say in the matter..

[Maynard K]

She isn't a fan of O&A which is fine, but the other day, drunk, she told a friend of hers to go "slip in a puddle of aids". And we all laaaaafed and laaaafed.

[Slow Bollards]

My wife is not a rabid fan of the boys, but she doesn't mind that I listen incessantly. I catch her laughing sometimes, but for the most part she shakes her head at the stuff that sends me into convulsive laughter. Anyway, about a week ago she was talking to me on her cell while she was driving somewhere and she called another driver "shitdick." It's not witty, or outright funny, but it made me proud.

Also, she is a special ed teacher and she indulges me with retard stories. They are generally pretty funny.

[kloraferm]

This is a giant cock!
Someone's been watching "Boogie Nights"...Or genetics have just been really good to you. :rolleyes:

[yellowstonesteve]

watching Green Day performing at Live 8, and they are mutilating "we are the Champions". The line about "no time for losers" comes and she says, "But isn't this concert for the worlds biggest losers?" I lost it.

[Tinkledrinker]

Was driving with my wife the other day and Passed a Deer X-ing sign. She actually asked me in a serious manner, what does X-ing mean.

[invisible76]

she actually said to me "do i have to WATCH you fuck my sister?"

Yes. Maybe next time my shirts will be ironed PROPERLY.

[LilJimmiesMule]

"****!"

[Baby Evil]

My wife once told me that she couldn't flush the toilet because the power had gone off.

She's a good girl, but a little off sometimes.

[NoSurviivors]

rock coat? what's that?

[funnybonez]

"stop it my husband is coming home!"

[moosenman]

One time my ex said. "Hurry up and fuck me, I got work in the morning." So much for romance.

[oaswallow]

Are you in yet? That ol gag.

[d0uche_n0zzle]

"Oh my, it's so BIG."

Yes, it's genetic's. :action-sm

[Lil'JimmysMule]

"After we're married we can have sex whenever we want" I still crack up when I think of that one.

[oaswallow]

"After we're married we can have sex whenever we want"

You misunderstood what she said. I'm sure it was "After we are married, you'll get some if and when I feel like it". It's a fairly common misunderstanding.

[d0uche_n0zzle]

Someone should have hooked you up with a lifetime supply of roofies.

[Iron Duke]

Was it really worth it? As you looked at the back of her head while ramming her ass like Grond, didn't a little part of you die inside knowing that inside that skull she was so fucking stupid that she thought and defended that Alaska was a fucking island?


I just want to know who or what is a Grond?

[Iron Duke]

Last summer my wife told me that if I let her get a new Explorer, she'd finally let me sink it in her dumper.

I guess the funny part was, I actually thought she'd go through with it.
That's what I get for thinking.

Rotten cunt!!

[Sinn Fein]

How often have you reminded her of that agreement?

[GoatAss]

"I'll bite your ass until it bleeds." No kidding.

[Myhairygrundle]

"That's my cervix!"

"I'd let you do that everyday if it didn't hurt so bad and give me gas."

[Glenn Dandy]

" You call that a dick?" so adorable we loffed n loffed.

[fothermucker]

I just want to know who or what is a Grond?
Learn yo'self some Lord of the Rings.

The battering ram used to destroy Minas Tirith's Great Gate during the Battle of the Pelennor. It took its name from the ancient weapon of Morgoth: Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld.

[BIV]

Funny? Girl?
*head a'splodes*

[BravoSierra]

My girlfriend is from Malaysia but English is her primary language. Anyways, when we first met she asked me and my friends if we wanted to go into the "jack-uh-zee." We all looked at eachother and said "Sue, what the fuck is a jack-uh-zee?" Then she said it again only really quiet and insecure like. Turned out she wanted to go into a jacuzzi at my friend's house. Hadta be there, I'm gonna go tie a noose.

[LonleyTcell]

A girl i was seeing called me up and asked me if we live in America. I didn't believe she was serious but she was. I should have called her a dumb hole but she was cute and she didn't tell her boyfriend I was fucking her haha

[Hudson]

Didn't know where to post this.

Just talking with my wife about how the olympics suck and nobody even knows they're on. She was asking me if I knew some swimmer, don't know who... I said the ony swimmer I know is Mark Spitz. She said Don't you mean Mark Doesn't Swallow?

I laughed my ass of at that one. Told her I had to post it here, cause she didn't think it was that funny. I love that she gets the humor of the show. Please, anyone who has other funny shit their girl/wife said please post it.

Gonna Guess she asked about Michael Phelps...but that is a side point,
I'll Play....

"Daddy... it hurts when you put it in my poopie":icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:

[Deadbent]

Last time I laughed about anything my girl said, it was something about her sister having a miscarriage and not knowing why.

[JonBenetRamsey]

"we're over" funniest thing she ever said.

[soiled pj's]

What do you mean MY pussy is tighter than my SISTERS.

[Glenn Dandy]

girl staying with me cant say half the words in the english language.. its cute... but if she was a guy she would be considered retarded.

[cat_smasher]

who are you? , where am i ?

[Mick32]

My ex-girlfriend once said the most precious thing, when I mentioned to her that perhaps we spent a little too much together:
"What are you talking about? I LET you hang with your BROTHER last weekend".
She LET me hang out with my brother, who, at that point, I only saw about three times a year, the previous weekend. It's a wonder why she is now described as my ex-girlfriend, eh?

[TreeFortRichard]

I went and grabbed the mail saturday and as i noticed my 2 favorite magazines had arrived on the same day...I said "Oooh Maxim and PC Magzine are here on the same day" and my wife said "OH no, which one are you going to beat off to first?"

very funny!

[CM Mark]

Funniest thing I was ever told by a girl, "I Love You".


Damn Kunt

[Jef Leppard]

" is there someone else? "...............well as a matter of fact........

[FreeTheCricket]

This past weekend, we were talking about one of her gay college friends, who happened to be a Ralph Lauren model. I told her, "you know, it's no secret that the way those guys get to the top is by getting fucked by everybody".

She responds with, "Oh, his ass has to be a bloody mess by now."

I was shocked, but I laughed my ass off.

[fmeinthea]

The funnies thing my wife said was the last thing she said which was

"DON'T HONEY, THAT GUN IS LOADED!"

[leftybearfan]

Already? You asshole! You better get down there and finish me off.

[Got One?]

"......full metal what?"

[Turtle]

"Do you think my mother is hot?"

[thegreatgazoo]

When hurricane Andrew hit Florida and they were talking about everyone being homeless, my wife, very seriously said, "why can't they just go to motels?"

[GonzoRadio]

I dated a girl that tried to tell me that Alaska was an island. Her reasoning was that on all the maps she had seen in was out in the water next to Texas. This argument went on for 2 weeks. She was 23 years old.

In her defence she gave great head and let me put it in her ass when she had been drinking.

Please, please, please tell me you're kidding.

[TrybalRage]

"I'm Pregnant."

Followed by

"What's that in your hand?"

[rustytrombone1]

I went and grabbed the mail saturday and as i noticed my 2 favorite magazines had arrived on the same day...I said "Oooh Maxim and PC Magzine are here on the same day" and my wife said "OH no, which one are you going to beat off to first?"

very funny!
That was actually pretty funny.

Did you make her clean up your mess?

[rottwielerinpa]

an ex once said, now mind you she was in her 20's but had braces and was shaved , while in the act of a hardcore romp. "so does it make you feel like your fucking a 12 year old with my braces and shaved pussy " made the moment even hotter

[rottwielerinpa]

also the " I love when you touch me like daddy used to "

[GorilaBoyNorton]

"I wanted a child so badly...[tears]"

[bucket-of-aids]

I said the ony swimmer I know is Mark Spitz. She said Don't you mean Mark Doesn't Swallow?
http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f338/bart4789/crash2.jpg
jk:)

[Capt'n Obvious]

I have the virus... you should probably get tested

[City View]

At my best friend's wedding, I introduced my girfriend to the bride's brother. My girlfriend shook his hand and said, "nice to meet you, shitdick"

phenomenal

[Hammersmith]

I had an ex tell a co-worker of mine to "put a hat on before somebody jerks you off"

[Sinn Fein]

While listening to Patrice's show tonight:

"If you take advice from this guy, we're done."

[rottwielerinpa]

laying in bed the other night with my wife ( she does not listen to the show ) shes says out of the blue " It rubs the lotion on the skin" I damn near wet the bed laughing so hard and she had no idea why .

[OandAPreacher]

After the first night of sex she said "now dont go falling in love" I was like ok. Shes an ex now.

[McDonaldMouth]

ok... watching American Idol together, she comments, "Randy Jackson is so black, he's almost purple, and Michael got so white.. they don't look anything like brothers"

[MJMANDALAY]

Me and my girl have been looking at houses to buy. And she hits me with this today......

Some guy just walked into a house shot his x wife and his x mother in law. Then the cops chased him and he jumped off the edison bridge. So yea its a tragic event and all she says but then she says " I am taking it as another house for sale"

And the nut she is goes and finds out the address.


If it wasn't funny to you, just be glad I didn't start a new thread and used the search function,unlike most redundant people here..

[thadeusgman]

" I Do"

[MONKEY]

My girl actuall asked me this one time. "Do u tell people about me?"

[AJellyDonut]

You had asparagus today...I'm not swallowing.

[Violette]

"Don't worry baby. It's only a little AIDS."

Eh? Eh? :gt:





I'm a girl and single so I have no business posting in this thread. I'm just here for the sheer amusement.

[Dopie Opie]

First I am a pertty big guy. Need to drop a hundred pounds or so.

Anyway, we were watching the news and they were showing a Sumo wrestling match. I was looking for a cheap self assurance and asked my wife if I was that big and she replied.

"Which one the bigger one or the smaller one "

The next night my dick slipped and she shit in pain for two days.

But I still tell that story and laugh my asses off.

[Milwuakee Cop]

Don't know if this one has been used yet... How about "I love you". No, thats not funny, that was just a lie.

[wetandstickyjim]

We had an Indian family move in behind us. My wife asked me how soon till I asked to borrow their elephant.

[novalia]

"Can you believe it?
I had to buy Perrier because they were out of San Pellegrino."

[Angelfuck]

"Can you believe it?
I had to buy Perrier because they were out of San Pellegrino."

haha, oh my god, what is this world coming to when they dont keep pellegrino fully stocked!!

[RadioMercenary]

my sweeeeeeetie says things that make me chuckle, like she isnt some awful PC bore (95% of the time anyways), however, and i can only say this with no scrutiny here, that when i try to recall, i honestly just remember looking at her boobs, sorry :icon_sad:

[abudabit]

"I'm leaving you... I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way about you that you feel about me. Please don't call me, let's not do that friendship thing."

[abudabit]

"How's my pussy taste? Good? Because I just got fucked by my ex 30 minutes ago. I'm leaving you and now you're a fag."

[robinquivers]

She said my sister was a cunt.

[sniper]

Last night my wife and I were talking about getting a dog, I asked her if we could name it Opie, she replies "sure, and we can have a lil sweater made for him that says "mommy is a cunt""

[savethewave]

"You are right. We SHOULD get a divorce."

[Ren5150]

My wife has had a few gems.....but I cant remember them.

One was pretty good though....somehow she got the terms "Throwing hands" and "having beef" mixed up and told me, "Wanna throw some beef?".

Wow.

[Shwoogie G]

doesnt count for girl, but one time my mother was in the car and we were about to enter the supermarket parking lot, when she pointed out some guy exiting the lot and said "look at that asshole, going out the exit" old people are so cute when they're confused...

[Glenn Dandy]

I was asked today what hand i steered with and why is the shifter on the right? she actualy called me at work to ask me this. Wierd part is her cars an automatic.,

[aromain]

Did you wash your hands before you fingered me? I think you gave me UTI.

[Clocktower]

My wife looks really young, and is about 5' tall. I'm 6'2 and it looks like I'm kidnapping her wherever we go.

In a mall one time, surrounded by a bunch of people, she said, "Hey mister, where's that candy you promised me?"

[Ponderous]

Does "Please take your cock out of my ass" count?
I usually just get WRONG ONE!!!! as she writhes in pain. :icon_redf