Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[shittooth]

FEZ: You have Get Smart coming out with Steve Carell
Ron: Oh, GOD that looks terrible!

[Bill Lehecka]

"I always felt sorry for Jesus Christ, with his birthday falling on Christmas and all..."

[mikek]

ESD: I always like to carry a pen so I can write stuff down if I want
Ron: What're you gonna do, write down "Be stupid on the air"?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What do I care? Once it's out of me, I don't give a shit what you do with it! You can spit it into mayonaisse jars and send it to the poor kids down South!

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: These pills are gonna make me look like a Movie star

Ron: Who, Rocky Dennis?

Fez: There is your number 5,000

[TonyBagels]

MIkeyboy: Hey guys, you were asking about a bar night on Saturday.
Ron: Well, really we were talking about autism in children, but if you need a drink you go on ahead.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Franklin: 40 acres and a mule?
Ron: I'm still all for that, just not in this country

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Franklin: What if it's water? (http://wackbag.com/showpost.php?p=2695704&postcount=461)

Ron: It's still 40 acres, it's just deep. 40 acres and a dolphin, tha'ts what I'll give you

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: A chick could come in here with sideburns and a hairy ass and we'd all still be like, "Yeah, I'll fuck you"

[me in canada]

I dont give a fuck how you feel about me, stick 2 fingers in my ass and jack me off

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD talking about how his gay brother was covering the first Californian gay wedding...

ESD: Yeah, my brother was at that wedding
Ron: What was he, the flower girl?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Well have you ever gone black?
Bi-caller: I haven't, but Earl is a very handsome man
Ron: Well he's a complete bottom, so you can just pound the hell out of his ass

[Jimmy's Dignity]

while discussing our human nature

Ron: NO, what you want to be doing is gnawing on a bloody carcass, look up, see a woman, and fuckin' pounce on her

[Arch Stanton]

Have you ever seen other then the two men sitting here ever turn down a woman?

It can't happen...that is also why it hardly happens

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
If you saw ice cream next to pussy, you would take Ice cream

[Sack of Chisels]

"if you went into fucking Earl's brain all you would see is an old Bad Company album sleeve"

[Sack of Chisels]

Earl rapping: You're listening to Ron and Fez.. from noon to 3 with ESD and Lilly! With Bobo, and crazed...
Ron: This would be great if I asked you to take attendance..

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Brian, when you burn him, I want you to burn him alot.

[duggernaut]

To Dave regarding his computer setup at home.

Ronny:Hook up those pal talk cameras at home so we can see that U-Haul truck backing up to take your family away.

[TonyBagels]

about Dave's branding

What I'd like to do is do your home body, so you have some fucking color.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron to ESD: Your entire body looks like a limp cock

[TonyBagels]

MLC: You got a big set of balls. We love ya
Ron: No, he doesn't. We unfortunately got the opportunity to see

[TonyBagels]

Brian Decker (brander): It's going to stink.
Ron: Its going to stink, or smell like fresh pork chops? I wouldn't be surprised to see the guys from Franks Place running over here.

[TonyBagels]

Brian Decker: I've done this on girls half his size.
Fez: Girls half his size are still fat.
Ron (whispering): I'd still fuck 'em.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Like Tom Petty said, the waiting's the easiest part.
Dave: No, the hardest.
Ron: Oh, I never listened

[TonyBagels]

Arch Stanton: Is it too late to amend the brand, to put Unmasked across his ass?
Ron: His ass I would mask.

[TonyBagels]

(after Dave tries to make a joke as he gets branded)

Lay your head down, you're still not funny.

[TonyBagels]

You know what Earl calls soul food? Food

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ronnie, I'm so glad I got up early to hear this
Ron: It's sad that you consider waking up at 1:18pm "getting up early"

[Pearce]

"Did you cum in his face? That's gotta stop."

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I'm starvin'. Smells like Barbeque in here with the ass being branded.

You know what? Slice me off a little ass. A little slice of Ass.

Fez: No, I wouldn't eat that.

Ron: By 2:00 you will be eating it, believe me.

[zagman76]

Ron: "[Dave] gets more and more like Paul-O every day"

[hudsonharden]

Fez: ...and now I'm morbidly curious.
Ron: I thought you were going to say obese.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

damn you Hudson

[TonyBagels]

Caller: Can we get a shot of Dave..
Ron: Yeah, go online to One Drunk and Two Cups

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know what you should do? Go up there and just Columbine the whole fuckin' place

[KNUCKLEUP]

In response to ESD listing board members going to play in a softball game:

"I expect a lot out of CoochiePlug, I really do..."

[Arch Stanton]

About the DH in Baseball:

There shouldn't be one. The pitcher throws at my player at the plate, I have my pitcher throw at him when he is at the plate.

That's how we do it in the City of Brotherly Love

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Fez, you ever been out to Utah?
Fez: No
Ron: I was, know what my nickname was? SPADE!! That's how white those people are out there

[Arch Stanton]

Caller asks about DH.

Ron: Where are you calling from?

Caller: Toronto

Ron: Look, when I want to know about Hockey I will call you. And another thing, what league are the BlueJays in? The American League? I would think that should be for American teams only.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, what's your favorite league...The Negro League?

[Cum_Son]

"White body, purple head...What do you have to say Mr. Penis?"

and just about every reference to Dave's body. :clap:

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl announces he has a melonin problem to which Ron asks him if he is eating to much melon

[NortonsHeiny]

This one made me laugh because of its delivery..."Big Happy Birthday to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ"

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl was going on about his 40 acres & mule bull shit AGAIN which Ron says he's all for "Just not in this Country. Take a map and throw a dart at it."

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl then asks what if the dart hits water to which Fez says it will still be 40 acres. Ron tells Earl he will give him 40 acres and a dolphin.

[NortonsHeiny]

From the Bajeebi song & it is funny today as the day I first heard it "Oh Bajeebi what did you see? Your eyes are as big as saucers." Fucking Great Line...

[NortonsHeiny]

"Lily I dont know whats with the shirt today, maybe you gave up."

[NortonsHeiny]

Franklin tosses out the N-Word & Fez says I dont care for it....Ron "Oh I do, I love it."

[Sack of Chisels]

"have they ever proved that there's any difference at all between Japan and China?"

[the max]

*cell phone beeping*

"what's that fez? your 'no soda' alarm?"

[Sack of Chisels]

Lilly: "oh, she's such a fucking cunt"
Ron: Alright, thank you. do me a favor and isolate that so I can put it on my ipod

[Sack of Chisels]

"I like a woman who calls you at a 3am and tells you she just took a bunch of pills... aaaaaah look what you've done to me!" -- "Alright, night, i gotta work in the morning"

[NortonsHeiny]

"Fez didn't the doctor say you have some cum in your stool?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez isnt only dying in real life, he's dying on the mic as well.......

[NortonsHeiny]

Heres the thing about placebos, I used to sell them to black guys, I would load them up

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: For you to say you can't get air through that nose, I know it's a lie!

[Swimwalker]

to ESD: "eczema, is that what you get from letting your dog lick your balls?"

[RMPGP]

to ESD "Now turn around and show him your clit"

[RMPGP]

to Dr Steve "Hard Rock Johnny wants to know if there's anything wrong with Potato Skins"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Earl couldn't work, so he thought he had a genetic problem.. because his dad couldn't work.. and his grandfather.. and none of his uncles"

[Sack of Chisels]

Dr Steve: for years we were doing studies on marijuana..
Ron: me too!

[Sack of Chisels]

Opie: I was congratulating Casey outside.. beautiful.
Ron: On what? her breasts?

[Sack of Chisels]

<fez bombs>
Remember when we did that "Fez is back" chant a while back, and we really believed it for a short time.. hmm

[Sack of Chisels]

Big A: Fez, why are you so gay?
Ron: Oooooooh!!!! it's over! i'm stopping the fight! That Big A's got a line for everything!

[Sack of Chisels]

Caller: I've been told that I've got anemia, I just want to know what it is..
Ron: are you sure it wasn't an e-mail? cause that's no big deal.. you can delete that!

[Sack of Chisels]

"Here's uh, David.. David, what the fucks wrong with you!?... God, I hate your callers Dr Steve!"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Earl, you have my word this is gonna stop!...... Fatty Arbuckle you're on the Ron & Fez show."

[Sack of Chisels]

"I bet if we legalized marijuana you would see adults running through sprinklers-- this is plenty! I don't need a vacation!"

[NortonsHeiny]

From earlier in the week regarding Earl "Youve stolen more money then a cat burglar"

[NortonsHeiny]

Earlier in the week they were discussing the use of the "n-word" and Earl says something along the lines of the word being used to describe his race for years to which Ron says "Just by my family."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Earls fake sleep disorder "It got so bad he just moved his fridge out on the porch."

[NortonsHeiny]

Hey Jessie your on Ron & Fez...I wish I had your girl...

[TonyBagels]

Tony Bagels : "All you have to do is make fun of dave 3 or 4 more times"
Ron: "What? Make fun of dick breath?"

followed up quickly by:

Fez: I gotta post! Hang on! I gotta post!
Ron: I wish you would, Fezzie. It'd make me so proud!

[TonyBagels]

(6-17 to Dave, about being drawn to the woman you're with)

Dave, you felt drawn in right? Now, in another way, you two say you two chose to be together, you obviously did. But at the same time, you were drawn together, despite what everybody tried to tell her. We tried to say, "You're making the biggets mistake in your life." Now, history has shown us all, the rest of us to be correct, but I don't think it was a choice for her, you get drawn up in it.

[TonyBagels]

while discussing our human nature

Ron: NO, what you want to be doing is gnawing on a bloody carcass, look up, see a woman, and fuckin' pounce on her

The full rant:

They (women) don't no how hard it is, to be what they consider normal. They're like, "what is wrong with you, why do you want to go out?" Well, we fuckin' feel like everything in our blood tells us to run with the pack, fuckin' howl at the moon. No, we don't want to be home on a Friday night, fuckin' watching cartoon movies with the kids. It feels sick to us. If you really, went..do you know what, what you really want to do is be fuckin' gnawing on a bloody carcass and look up when you see a woman, and pounce on her. That's what you fuckin' do, but instead you do something you can't even believe. You get up in the morning and put on shoes, and you go to a job and sit in a fuckin' cubicle. I call these people heroes. You're going against everything you fuckin' believe in. all we really want to do is walk down the street, see something heavy, pick it up, and bust another person's head open with it, and take his broad. That's what our fuckin' cells are telling us to do. Instead, we're sitting there with you, watching fuckin' Sex in the City, eating popcorn and acting like we're fuckin' happy. No I don't want to meet you for a fuckin' salad. That's insane talk! I'm an animal! I want to wrestle an antelope to the ground and bite it's throat out. That's what my fuckin' cells are telling me to do. Not sit there and pick out wallpaper with you. I have no idea what's being said, 24 hours a day! You know what, you feel like you can just take a bear, put a pair of pants and suspenders on him and have him sit there..That's what it's like for us

Fez: I'd like to see it though.
Ron: You do fuckin' see it! Look at Bobo! You know he wants to be naked, running through the woods! Look at PitZ the knuckle dragger like he is! He doesn't know where he is! And Dave God bless him! You're like a fuckin' old stray cat who found some fuckin' whiskey and keeps suckin' on it! Dave is like the cocaine rat in every fuckin' experiment! "Yes! More cocaine! More Cocaine!" Dave looks at that baby, we're lucky he doesn't bite her. We're trapped in a world we didn't make, Fezzie. It happened to us.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)

Isn't it weird that your number one (branding) will only see number two?

[TonyBagels]

(about Jonathon, meeting with Dave, PitZ, and Earl)

That's why he's meeting with Manny, Moe, and Black


(love the NY area Pep Boys commercial reference)

[krisko]

'A man should hold a gun and a woman should hold a baby'

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave's story)

Dave: That's a good story. I think if I punched it up a bit, it could go places.
Ron: By punch it up, do you mean light it on fire and throw it in a hole? 'Cause that's the only why you can improve that story.

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave's high school teacher)

Dave: Mr Feeley never touched me.
RON: Sure, there's much better looking kids. He doesn't do anything with the ugly kids.

[MilkmanDan]

(About Fez)

"Yeah I saw that act, you run like an American League pitcher"

[TonyBagels]

The Fat Boys may have been the most perfect name. I mean, it just said it all right there.

[Absolutely]

(Talking about Cereals)

Ron: What about for you Earl?
Earl: Straight up Cornflakes
Ron: Why don't you have Negr-Os

[Sack of Chisels]

"Eddie Vedder will get on stage with anybody.. I actually saw him once doing "At the Copa, Copacabana!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It's like a retard with a hard-on, he just doesn't know what to do with it!

[MilkmanDan]

On filling Tim Russerts job -
"There's only one person that deserves to be in that position, he'll take it in a different direction... David Lee Roth"

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Now Fez, you agree that when you work in such tight quarters as this you can get get on each other's nerves. Do I do anything to annoy you?
Fez: No, you don't do anything to annoy me.
{cowbell clank}
Fez: OWWW!!

[TonyBagels]

Kids are insane, we ought to keep 'em in cages until they're 30.

[MilkmanDan]

On Pitzy's cliche wedding -
"Where are you honeymooning? Wildwood?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

on Pitzy's impending nuptuals
Ron: What are you doing, racing your hairline to the altar?

[duggernaut]

To the recently engaged pitzy

Ron: What are you tryin to do beat your hairline to the alter?

[Turtle]

Ron: I hate being on the same side as you Dave, some of your stupid could rub off on me.

[duggernaut]

Damn, too late - here are two more to double down.

Pitzy: Not only did I win softball, but I got engaged on Sunday.
(long silence)
Ron: To one of the guys on the team?

After hearing that Pitzy bought a 2 carat rock on his salary...
Ron: If Earl wasn't sitting hear I would tell you exactly what you were acting like.

[LiddyRules]

*On the opening*

"Earl had an idea of taking Obama into Lowrider as he does almost every single day."

[SKANE]

After hearing that Pitzy bought a 2 carat rock on his salary...
Ron: If Earl wasn't sitting hear I would tell you exactly what you were acting like.[/quote]


Fuckin brilliant.

[askewcore]

After finding out Pitz and Vick got engaged

"You gonna keep that mustache? This way the two of you having matching mustaches?"

[NortonsHeiny]

"Look Earl, Zimbabwe. Id like to see you over there in a cinderblock house."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Earl is so lonely, and sick and twisted that the second a girl is nice to you, you turn it into a slasher film. you oughtta put a hockey mask on when you go out at night."

[Sack of Chisels]

You don't think fucking Cuba would say YES in a second.. "we're ready for some god damn Playstations?!"

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: we got the US men's Olympic basketball roster it's now official...
Ron: I can't wait for 'the race to the bronze'!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Let me tell you what the Dutch regret..building a house beneath sea-level. Fucking morons!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I'd love to be a leader of one
Ron: A cult?
ESD: Yeah!
Ron: That would be the dumbest cult ever

[NortonsHeiny]

On Daves story- "If I were the teacher I would just write an F on and then say too retarded."

[NortonsHeiny]

After the softball game during which Earl failed as he does with everything else in his life......"Earl how does Daves ass taste?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl announces that some group called In Living Color is a multi platinum earning band to which Ron says "Yes and tonight you can see them in a phone booth."

[Sack of Chisels]

"The two awful things you can do to your kids.... leave, or stay."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Fez's mom sent him down to the store for a moonpie and a grape knee-high, and he comes back with a dust mop and his dick in his hand thinking she's gonna be happy with him"

[Dragonwaggon77]

About Pitzys wedding being on Long Island

"I'll tell you right now I'm not going, because I am not going to sit in some place called Calamari’s"

[LastDeadMouse]

On NBC airing the first SNL with Carlin as host along with HBO and XM doing 24 hours of his material:

"Death is just another ratings grabber now."

[Arch Stanton]

To Pitz about reconnecting with his Father:

I don't know Pitz, and no offense to you Earl, but white people don't usually go through this

[Arch Stanton]

Italians will marry their 1st cousins, even if they are two men

[LastDeadMouse]

On finding Pitz's father:

"The problem with finding his dad is that a lot of these crap games are floating"

[fatty_pubis]

Ron: "I'll ask the girl you just trashed, should he get another chance?"

HTG: "Absolutely.."

Ron: "Well take that idea back to Jew town, because it gets no respect here.."

[salz4life]

Where's your family from Earl.... Niger?

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron on Lesbians in the military...."Oh here's a job where you climb in the dirt, shoot guns, climb on helicopters, and jump out of planes and you're surprised that the women who want to do that are lesbians? I would think hey this a good job for a bunch of lesbians."

[NortonsHeiny]

On the US Olympic Basketball team "I should be able to the Village pick up a bunch of those guys who play on 4th street and beat Yugoslavia."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Pitzys wedding date of 2010 "What are you waiting for her dad to get of jail?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Again on Pitzys wedding "Just hand her your balls and put them into her back pocket."

[NortonsHeiny]

For some bizarre reason Earl announces that Prince the midget singer is an excellant basketball player to which Ron asks "Who did he beat? Gary Coleman?"

Earl just loves anything black. It doesnt matter how crazy or retarded he may sound anything about the black race and he digs it.

[Sack of Chisels]

"Pitzy went to Philly the other day and came with a hawaiian shirt on. he goes "i was down south, it was great!"

[Reaper G]

For some bizarre reason Earl announces that Prince the midget singer is an excellant basketball player to which Ron asks "Who did he beat? Gary Coleman?"



Earl stole that from "Chappelle's Show". Hoo hoo.

[Sack of Chisels]

caller: Earl, five bucks you get sacked in a week!
Earl: That's five bucks you're gonna lose!
Ron: Don't take that bet!!!!

[Sack of Chisels]

"You guys opened my eyes to this, because I like the same things now that I liked when I was nine years old... cocaine and pussy. I didn't grow up!"

[Sack of Chisels]

I'd be the worst director because I'd be like this: "In this scene a guy with a cigar jacks on you." -- "didn't we just do that yesterday?!" -- "Ah-ha! I didn't like it!"

[Sack of Chisels]

On PaulO selling his house.

Can you imagine the excitement level of those neighbors when that for sale sign went up? It's like you've been told "I've never seen this happen before but you no longer have aids!" it's the same type of deal.

[Sack of Chisels]

On Batman Begins

"It's so dark I couldn't see it."

[Herbie Robinson]

From the Louis C.K. unmasked, when Ron Bennington enter to the stage to a packed house:

"Where were all you motherfcukers for Janeane Garofalo"

[NortonsHeiny]

Crazy Jen asks Ron if he knows why she has so many dogs. Ron says "I'm going to guess no front door?"

[TonyBagels]

6-26 on bad superheroes, Brother Voodoo

BKV - Well, he's black.
Ron - "I can blend in at night"

[TonyBagels]

6-26, after another Dave sports fuck up

YOu know what I'd like, a sports fan in here. Actually, you know what Ild like, a man in here. Fez is laughing, 'You got 'em...WAIT'

[TonyBagels]

6-26

I'm not even that crazy about Green Lantern. 'I have a magic ring.' STOP

[TonyBagels]

6-26 after Spinning the Hits

Ron: ahh, PitZ. Remember the first time PItZ came in here?
Fez: No, I don't.
Ron: Neither do I

[TonyBagels]

6-26, 1/2 hour after Spinning the Hits, Earl's still dizzy

I thought you were gonna black out. Or as you call it, just out.

[TonyBagels]

Here's a note of a line that I found, so I don't know when it was from

(about Earl)

Dave: He was complaining about his wrists hurting before the show.
Ron: You try jerking that cock of his.

[Sack of Chisels]

<to a model caller>
"And how's the vag? is it just beautiful? like butter?"

[salz4life]

<to a model caller>
"And how's the vag? is it just beautiful? like butter?"


same caller...... She states she is a virgin and doesn't believe in ANY pre-marital sex

"So, if I were to wrap a dildo around my shoe I couldn't kick you in the vag??"

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: AJ Maxwell's on 48th street
Ron: Fez, don't interrupt me...... AJ Maxwell's on 48th street.

[Sack of Chisels]

"Fez, I can't go out with you anymore.... No, let's not leave it at that, I can't do a show with you anymore! it's too embarrassing!"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Earl where would you like to see yourself in 5 years? A rib joint?"

[Sack of Chisels]

"If [sticking things up your ass] was a talent, Fez would be a nobel prize winner"

[Ball of Hate]

I don't remember it exactly:

(On riots in Eurpope after winning soccer tournaments.)

Caller: In Europe, they don't kill each other after winning championships.
Ron: No gorillas.

[duggernaut]

After a horrible call from a trucker...

Ron: Earl, you're a Christian right? Is there a prayer that will make a truck crash?
Earl: No.
Ron: Because, you know, I always think of Christianity as magic.

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : I think thats the sound of the wind blowing.
Ron : Maybe its just the show blowing today.

[Sack of Chisels]

Lilly: I thought there was no sex in the champagne room?
Ron: That's a myth.

[gleet]

Crazy Jen: You know why I gots 8 dogs?

Ron: I'm gonna guess... no front door?

[gleet]

Crazy Jen: You know why I gots 8 dogs?

Ron: I'm gonna guess... no front door?

[Sack of Chisels]

"Everyday we look for the Ichiban, and that means.. a scar on a white man's ass"

[KNUCKLEUP]

"...everyday we try and look out for the Ichiban... and of course Ichiban means 'scar on a white man's ass'..."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Johnny, have you been to Cooperstown? You're a guy who likes to look at old clothes..."

[LiddyRules]

"Earl sing the black national anthem"
Ron *as earl*: "we hate you whitey, oh yes we do."

[Sack of Chisels]

"When you say IMDB does that mean I Munch Dick Balls? -- c'mon that was pretty quick!"

[dilznick101]

now when you said imdb does that mean "i munch dick balls".

[dilznick101]

awww you beat me. you're quick

[hudsonharden]

[to Earl]
"Why don't we put a pillow down the back of your pants and you can walk around town and tell people you're Kirby Puckett?"

[crippledalbino]

From a best of, about Ray Combs' death.

Fez: He talked to Nancy Grace, next thing you know, he's hanging in his closet.
Ron: You're thinking about his shirt.

[krisko]

talking about 'ear to the grindstone'

dave: That's not the way my mom taught me
Ron: Well...your mom's an idiot

bwaaaahahahahaaaa

[krisko]

during Sextravaganza on 7/2

Johnny: He's got a trove of bitches
Ronnie: Trove of bitches, that was the name of my dad's boat.

[TonyBagels]

(6-25, about CBS's Cold Case)

I learned, for some reason everyone in Philly drowned their prom date 30 years ago.

[TonyBagels]

6-25, about driving across the country

I dare you to take that fuckin' ride sober. The only way I could make it across the country was with a fuckin' cooler between my legs and a fuckin' hash pipe in my hand. I was born shitless between Philly and the fuckin' Rockies, with nothing to fuckin' look at but green shit.

[TonyBagels]

6-25

When you go to the zoo, are you gonna stop for a fuckin' deer. No. You've seen 'em. I hate to see any American animal in the zoo, it bores the shit out of me. I gotta see something from the dark continent to be impressed. I don't want to see a badger. You might as well put a dog in there, it's so dull.

[TonyBagels]

6-25, about Polar Bears in warm zoos

Let me ask you something, if you were a fuckin' polar bear and you lived in the North Pole, you wouldn't like to get some warm weather? You wouldn't like to get your fish brought to you in a fuckin' bucket?

[steveperry26]

Going old school to the line that got me hooked on ron and fez years ago, they were on O&A promoting the enema jokeoff;

Anthony:Stalker Patti gets 200 dollars a month for rent and she wants to live in Bay ridge, Brooklyn.
(Without missing a beat)
Ron: You know where she should live is ah..1931

Instantly hooked from that moment.

[dilznick101]

*talking about different movies and tv shows that help him fall asleep*

"Organized crime to me is like a fairy tale that helps me sleep."

[TonyBagels]

6-25

Dave: ..the foot is cumbersome to them.
Ron: and I have become cumbersome.
Dave: wow, that's a real 19..
Ron: Try having to have to play that in the morning.

[TonyBagels]

6-25

Dave: I got wiffleball for my Nintendo DS, yesterday.
Ron: So you're so lazy that you can't even play wiffleball anymore? You have to play it online?

[TonyBagels]

ESD: I'd love to be a leader of one
Ron: A cult?
ESD: Yeah!
Ron: That would be the dumbest cult ever

full quote from 6-25:



Ron: You would do so well, in a cult. You really would. You'd be the perfect Muslim.
Dave: Nah, but I'd like to be the leader of one though.
Ron: That would be the dumbest cult ever. It would be called The Dumb We Keep Playing Wiffleball For No Reason Cult.

[TonyBagels]

7-1, about Dave's Baby Crying

Dave: It's just like stop the crying, please.
Ron: Well, maybe it's the medical problems or she's old enough now to know who her father is. Because, really, how would you like your dad to be the Greta Pumpkin. Can you imagine that's the fuckin' first sight you see, Happy the Clown as your dad.
Dave: Well, she looks at me and smiles.
Ron: Yeah sure. What kid doesn't like the Hamburgler ... She must feel like she's born into a funhouse seeing you as her dad.

[maz]

" I don't even trust women who aren't Bi-Sexuals,
I call them Freaks "

From Today's Best Of

[dnscrnme]

After a female caller stumbled with her joke:

"Start at the beginning honey, like a man would tell a joke"

[TonyBagels]

7-2, Sextravaganza

Ron: Johnny, I gotta say, it's been a while since you were in here and you come back with gay porn.
Johnny: Well, I gotta go with what Steve gives me.
Ron: Oh, I bet you do.

[KNUCKLEUP]

On ESD's poetry:

"...I don't know anything about the rest of this story, but I bet it ends up in a 69."

[KNUCKLEUP]

At the conclusion of ESD's 'creative writing' piece:

Fezzie: "I've never shouted merrily in my life..."
Ron: "Arthur!! Where'd you get the wides??"

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

Daves story:

Dave: I walked up to the building and pressed the buzzer.
Ron: Knowing that balls would be in my mouth soon.

[TonyBagels]

To the conductor of the Boston Symphony Orchestra

"You're a cover band. It's fuckin' Mozart."

[TonyBagels]

Quite frankly, that's because we don't know how to prep for a show. Do not listen to us, unless we're talking about who shit their pants yesterday. That we know.

[Ball of Hate]

"There's only one thing a man can eat for dessert. Steak."

[TonyBagels]

Ron: There's only one thing a man can eat for dessert.
Fez: What's that?
Ron: Steak.
Fez: That's not a dessert.
Ron: It is to me!

[TonyBagels]

Do we even have a fuckin' name for a man that's a nympho? I guess man.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Well I'm not going to stop, but I need to take some steps...
Ron: Oh there are Steps alright!

[TonyBagels]

Ron's announcement of leaving XM for his new position with the Harpo Productions

Ron: You familiar with Harpo Productions?
Fez: Yeah, that's Oprah's company.
Ron: No, not that one, I'm with Harpo Marx. Workin' to get him back out there. Like to get him talkin'.
Dave: What are we gonna do here, without you?
Ron: Oh, not a whole lot of anything.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: (as Fez to his inner voice) You try hauling this 63 yr old body around.
Fez: I'm not 63. I'm a lot younger.
Ron: Really? Then you're sick. You've got something wrong.

[TonyBagels]

(about Fez turning down Angelina Jolie)

Ron: I'd fuck her while she was having her twins. Did she have a C-section?
Fez: Yeah, I think so.
Ron: I'd fuck her in there too

[Barbwire Mike]

To the conductor of the Boston Symphony Orchestra

"You're a cover band. It's fuckin' Mozart."

The whole rant needs to be immortalized. There's like six lines of the day in it:

"So what? You did Mozart. What's it going to do? Stink? What if I go on the fucking radio and I just start doing Jack Benny's old fucking thing? Am I going to get laughs? Yeah, I'll get laughs. But what's to be proud of? They're Jack Benny's laughs.

"What you got is Mozart. It's Mozart's fucking heat. You're a cover band."

"So he looks at me and is like 'who are you?' I said 'I'm the guy who fucked your mother, that's who I am. And I've got news for you, I'm going to fuck you next.' And I just fucking threw some wine down and walked out."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Fez, you turned down a chick.. now you're turning down a guy... what is it you want? do i gotta go outside the species? Do I gotta fucking bring reptiles in here?! You know what, I'm gonna bring a boa constrictor in and maybe he'll climb up your ass."

[Sack of Chisels]

on nymphomaniacs.

That's always a little depressing for you when you're with a girl and she's like "whose next?" and you're like "really? that didn't fucking do it for you? I came in from the fucking ceiling!-- nothing?!"

[Sack of Chisels]

Do we even have a name for a man whose a nympho?... I guess "man."

[FAZ8218]

Talking about Rush:
"..so anytime I hear an embarrassing lyric, I jump off. That band, is like if Dr. Seuss had a band."

[FAZ8218]

On Kiss fans:
"You are a guy who lived at home too long, and now you're taking your kid to the show... and I'm talking about the Z-Man."

[FAZ8218]

Caller: Sammy Hagar fans...
Ron: Are there any?

[Sack of Chisels]

Sam will only get upset if you say something along the lines of "The Undertaker blows"

[Sack of Chisels]

You saw 40 year old virgin right?... well we got 63 year old virgin going here, and it's past being fun and giggly.

[Sack of Chisels]

Earl: the grounds for divorce was she stopped sleeping with him. I forget the legal term..
Ron: cold cunt.

[hudsonharden]

ESD (about Christie Brinkley): She's Trump with tits.
Ron: Trump is Trump with tits.

[Sack of Chisels]

(Dave criticizes Niggy Tardust)

Couldn't you put out an album called "Drunkie Nofuture"?

[NC Hallorann]

If Alabama had a Long Island, it would be the Florida panhandle....

[Garyisajoke]

"Bird juice."

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

On Dave not shaving:
"Please shave unless there's a new show called Dublin Vice."

[Sack of Chisels]

Caller: you'll be waiting for the 3rd encore to hear Piano Man.
Ron: that's the smartest move he could make, because if he played it up front the place would empty out like the all star game.

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: so your birthday present to her is a show she doesn't want to see.
Dave: well it's shea stadium.. I think it'll be great.
Ron: you know what I'm gonna get her a present.. a divorce lawyer.

[Sack of Chisels]

to absurdly sweaty Fez
"I want you to put the gold bond on a sheet, and roll in it like a chicken breast"

[Sack of Chisels]

"YOU TALK INTO THAT STICK AND YOUR VOICE IS LOUDER!!!! YEAaAA!!!!!"

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl says he knows the shortest poem ever which Ron asks "What blow me?"

[NortonsHeiny]

After Earls short poem recital Ron says Earl's poem is "When we were thieves, the Earl Douglass story."

[NortonsHeiny]

I dont recall why Ron said but the term speaks for itself "Cold Cunt"

[boardsofcanada]

Tupac I started to love when he died....I love a guy who will die....and thats why i'm the worlds biggest heath ledger fan!

[MilkmanDan]

Hayseed Caller : We like goin' down to florida for the summer

Ron : You have to be out of your mind to go there in the summer, You have to be Fez Whatley

[striker]

ESD: my beard comes in like orange peach fuzz, not like a man's beard

Ron: That's cause your not a man

[MilkmanDan]

Female caller : Hey Ron, what we have here is a little naproom which they use alot in Japan...

Ron : I'll tell you what honey I find you asleep in there you're getting fucked

[Arch Stanton]

The only way to get Earl involved in the show is to bring up racial discussion...

So, you still can't use the N word??????

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez...we've been working on your stink ass...checking it everyday, today is a hot one too.

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
You know what, you may have leakage, your ass should have that much stink

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: You eat chips Fez?
Fez: I don't eat those fat free chips
Ron: What do ya eat, the double fat ones?

[Arch Stanton]

Vegetarians, they fuck up everything for everyone

[Arch Stanton]

I think corn on the cob was dropped down straight from God. He said, here, take this

[Plunkies]

Ron: When I was coming into work today I found a baby bird, I guess it had fallen out of the nest.
Fez: Aww
Ron: It's little wing was broken. And it was a parakeet, and it went "Mama! Mama!"
Fez: Aww I don't want to hear that.
Ron: And I was like "I...I can't find your mama." ...And I just started to squeeze...And I was upset myself. The only thing we can do was put him out of a little pain.
Fez: That's a really sad story.
Ron: What's sad about it?
Fez: About her baby bird.
Ron: And I was just squeezing it and squeezing it. And then the most wonderful thing happened...
Fez: What?
Ron: Bird juice. A nice glass of bird juice is so delicious.
Fez: That's not a happy ending!
Ron: Oh but it is. Just when I squeezed it and it died...I looked up...And...It was just laying there dead...Just a little baby bird with broken wings. And all of a sudden I look back and there's a mother bird....And she had bandages. I didn't know it but she was going to repair that baby bird.
Fez: She was gonna save her baby!!!
Ron: So she dive bombs into the fucking street and breaks her own neck...Then the strangest thing, the baby bird put it's head up! It was alive!
Fez: It HADN'T died?
Ron: No...It was just sleeping. But its mother was dead with a broken neck. So it dive bombed itself too.
Fez: What a mess with this bird family!
Ron: The only good thing thing that came out of the story...
Fez: Yeah?
Ron: Was that a retarded girl blew me.
Fez: That's the happy ending?
Ron: I told her it was a snow cone.

[hudsonharden]

Ron: Everyone call me the Rev. Ron Bennington from now on, or Rev. Run

[hudsonharden]

Earl: For a couple of years, Al Sharpton spoke at my church on Palm Sunday
Ron: Why Palm Sunday? Was he there to palm a basketball?

[FAZ8218]

To Dave:
"You drink like a 60 year old man who's trying to forget a murder."

[FAZ8218]

"I got the one with no heart, Earl. Then I got the one with no brain, and no courage. You guys turned me into fuckin Dorothy!"

[BIV]

"I got the one with no heart, Earl. Then I got the one with no brain, and no courage. You guys turned me into fuckin Dorothy!"
This had me laughing all day, fucking brilliant.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about The Island...

Ron: My quick synopsis of that movie? It's like having someone piss in your eyes for 2 hours
ESD: That bad?
Ron: Who said it was bad?

[Sack of Chisels]

"They get confused between being Japanese and being a bee. they live in hives over there"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Hey Paulo. everybody's talking about it...... Mama Mia! I promised to take the boys this weekend."

[OhioPest]

I was so enamored with the quote I almost instantaneously forgot as to what it was referring...
Ronnie B: "I'm a daredevil, I once jacked off over the Snake River Canyon."

[Sack of Chisels]

on Blowhard
"The only thing that's gonna have him leaving Brooklyn is a hearse"

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: when I shitcan this, I'm gonna miss you the most of all, scarecrow.
Dave: what does that even mean, "shitcan this"?
Ron: well, when you heard me and Logan laughing behind your back..

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: what size is your fucking waist, a 16?
Babyface: yea, kinda, it's a 30.
Ron: No way. I'm not gonna fucking lie to you, my cock is thicker than your waist.

[Sack of Chisels]

"You're the youngest looking 20 ever. You really look like you could get into a ball pit and nobody would yell. you little antelope looking son of a bitch."

[Sack of Chisels]

"I got beat up by Philly cops and was called Roy Rogers because I was selling horse tranquilizers, and that fucking hurt my feelings"

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: I'm sorry sir, I just heard the name "Debbie" and assumed you were a woman..
Caller: I am a woman! women can be police officers, Ron!

[dilznick101]

Baby Girl: "Men don't listen..."

Ron: "I'm sorry what were you saying, I was thinking about the 1980 phillies. Larry boa, tug mcgraw, pete rose. It was great fuckin' team that year"




I'm sure i butchered it and it actually went on for about 30 seconds. i was laughing all day thinking about it.

[dilznick101]

After Fez mentions the mother from the partridge family:

Ron: "Another 70's reference. seriously, i would be so excited if you just mentioned 'who's the boss' for once."

[OhioPest]

Baby Girl: "Men don't listen..."

Ron: "I'm sorry what were you saying, I was thinking about the 1980 phillies. Larry boa, tug mcgraw, pete rose. It was great fuckin' team that year"




I'm sure i butchered it and it actually went on for about 30 seconds. i was laughing all day thinking about it.

After Fez mentions the mother from the partridge family:

Ron: "Another 70's reference. seriously, i would be so excited if you just mentioned 'who's the boss' for once."

Yes these were both very good lines. I chortled and maybe even gaffawed at them. Nice recall.

[askewcore]

To Dave:

Ron: "You're the only person I know who would start a sentence with the word, "nor", what are you a fuckin pilgrim?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Caller asks Ron if he has seen the New Kids on the Block video, Ron says he missed it but "I've missed a lot things back here in 1989."

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Carrie Underwoods song Jesus Take the Wheel "Where she demands Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior take the wheel because your drunk."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Dave we are going to start shaving before work unless "we are going to start Dublin Vice."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez announces pork is the best meat on Earth. Ron says "Oh I just a very sad phone call from steak."

[Sack of Chisels]

I've got another ichiban.. or should I say spy report. [to dave] You're homeless?

[Sack of Chisels]

(on Fred from Brooklyn being a beast)
"He only eats with a knife, I'm not sure what that means... even cereal!"

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

To a man, holding a door open for a woman is the first step in getting a blowjob.

[dilznick101]

"you know they never say in the bible whether jesus sang. but i guarantee if he did, it sounded EXACTLY like Al Green."

[Sack of Chisels]

(34,000 japs a year kill themselves)
"I don't mean to sound anti-japanese, but keep it up."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: A girl in my neighborhood got hit by a train too...there were 8 of us

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Who's the face of the Dallas Cowboys?
ESD: Aikman
Earl: Landry
FEz: Leroy Seldman
Ron: SATAN!! That's the devil's team

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron speaking of a girl from Notre Dame in Chester "I just want to tell her kids, you have no idea what you dropped out of."

[hudsonharden]

Ron: Who's the face of the Dallas Cowboys?
ESD: Aikman
Earl: Landry
FEz: Lee Roy Selmon
Ron: SATAN!! That's the devil's team

Fixed it for ya :action-sm

[KNUCKLEUP]

during a discussion about christian bale allegedly assaulting his mother and sister:

ronnie: "does your mom nag, earl?"
earl: "yes, she's been known to nag..."
ronnie: "didn't you grow up with naggers? wasn't your whole neighborhood naggers, earl?"

(roughly quoted... :icon_neut)

[Arch Stanton]

Sometimes I tune this show out even when we are doing it

[Jimmy's Dignity]

about ESD's baby girl farting...

Ron: Her first words are going to be, "Did somebody step on a duck?"

[NortonsGravyLeg]

^^^damn you Jimmys Dig you beat me to it :D

[MilkmanDan]

"Hey, where the fuck is everyone going? Does this mean I have to have a conversation with Fez, what is this 2003?"

[Sack of Chisels]

Dave: I gave Scorsese my card.
Ron: Did it have XM on it?.. Run down and get that back! even if you have to kill the driver.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Lilly: Sometimes we get cum in our eyes. It burns and we don't like it
Ron: Yeah, but I'll never stop laughing

[jimmyolsenblues]

ron: "Fez....I hate to pull you back into the show, but who would win this fight"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Put a stream up her nose and you've made my day

[jodea23]

Ron: Matt, you're on the Ron & Fez show...welcome, Matt.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

while talking about anal sex...

ESD: I just don't want a child of mine engaging in that
HTG: Well she shouldn't be a child when she's doing that
Ron: "Hey, what are you kids...GET OUTTA THAT BALL PIT!!!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Well, I guess I'll take that to my psychologist
Ron: Fuckin' take it to your pants! Have a conversation with your dick!

[MilkmanDan]

(After Daves horrible ramblings about the hymen)

Ron : "Now when we get back, Daves going to discuss the right or wrong times to eat shit."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: My kids don't even know there is an upper level to ANYTHING. They thought that all those people were just cardboard cut outs

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I've got 2 things in common with Albert Einstein; we both think we're done for without any honey bees and...we don't see any need to comb our hair.

[Sack of Chisels]

"when i was a baby my feet didn't touch the ground for 3 years. ladies kept passing me around, that's why i'm so confident"

[jimmyolsenblues]

ronnie on the reason for the demise of the porn industry.....

ron:"here is a picture of my wife's vagina, enjoy yourself".

[Sack of Chisels]

"I think you're too old to breast feed when you're eatin' cookies with it"

[Sack of Chisels]

"I think the fastest growing ethnicity in Brooklyn is becoming The Hipster"

[MilkmanDan]

(While watching the Fez wrestling video, commentary....)

Diaz "Poor little babydoll , being abused"
Ron "I'm not being abused buddy"
Diaz "Talking about Molly Mcshane"

[krisko]

when Ronnie was holding HTG's hand and calling it sex on 7/22

Fez: how is that sex?
Ronnie: because I came

[Arch Stanton]

I just want to stop and listen to this exchange between these 2 (Fez and Dave) and let people know how much they should appreciate me.

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
BTW, ask me what I'm doing this weekend....none of your fucking business, that's what I'm doing.

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
BTW, I am not OnA, having a retard do grosse disgusting things is not funny to me

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Mrs Whatley on Line 6
Fez: Don't call her, Don't do that
Ron: Mrs Hilliard on Line 6
Fez: Oh Nice, don't say that now
Ron: Oh, now the secret is out!!!

[Jables2002]

On 7/22

(Ron talking about how he's going around with a tiny thermometer and taking care of all the bees one on one)

Fez: How many have you gotten done so far?
Ron: One... but then I stepped on it cause it stung my finger. I got it so well, and then the little prick stung me. 'How's it feel to be fuckin' stepped on?' That's what I yelled.

[Sack of Chisels]

She has Larry David in her guest house.. I'm not gonna start throwing jokes at her. That'd be like saying to A-Rod's wife: "well you know, I play a little baseball myself"

[Sack of Chisels]

<on Dave's Mary Steenburgen song>

"I've never been that uncomfortable in my life... and I've been apart of a gangrape before. and that girl left in a better mood than Mary did."

[RMPGP]

He had some great gang **** lines...

paraphrasing:

"There was more harmony in my song than your gang **** though"
"OH you'd be surprised, it was a Philly gang ****, we were singing Doo-Wop."

[Edwin]

Caller: you'll be waiting for the 3rd encore to hear Piano Man.
Ron: that's the smartest move he could make, because if he played it up front the place would empty out like the all star game.

Theadjack: I was the caller. My first ever into R&F and I set him up for a LOTD? Sucess!

[UsedLadBag]

just heard this on the replay and search is for queers <paraphrasing>

Fez: "shut the fuck up and leave me alone"

Ron: "alright that's it we're out of here, good luck with The Whatley Show"


-------and----------

Ron: "your mom's on line 6, I've already told her what you did today"

[NortonsHeiny]

about ESD's baby girl farting...

Ron: Her first words are going to be, "Did somebody step on a duck?"

Just heard that one on a replay. Very Funny

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave being the only one that works in his household)

Dave: Daddy Mac is bring home the bacon.
Ron: Bacon bits

[MilkmanDan]

(Talking about director/actor combos)

Caller : What about Madelyn Kahn and Mel Brooks
Ron : I'd rather see Genghis Khan and Mel Brooks

[MilkmanDan]

Dave : We are an evolved species
Ron : Are you?
Dave : (Cackling like mongoloid) I'd like to think I am.
Ron : Then why can't you iron. You come in here everyday like an unmade bed.

[Sack of Chisels]

"If you married Lilly you'd come home one day and she'd have made a statue of her dad"

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez, let me see your pills......... Alright, the name of this, I never even fucking saw this before.. they're called "Show Destroyers"

[RMPGP]

"Porn is fairy tales for adults."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Can we get another story? Every time you go to a Meeting, it's like Behind the Music

[Pearce]

edit: wrong thread

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "what is your beef with jeff goldblum...... he might be able to talk panties down"

[duggernaut]

Ron: If you have a son, he is going to hate it, put a gun to his head and say 'you are playing this piano or I am pulling this trigger.' And if he goes why, you say you're only 4 years old and you don't understand this now but one day this word is going to mean a lot to you - pussy...pussy. I called up my dad two weeks ago and told him 'you didn't teach me piano. You didn't love me.'

[Sack of Chisels]

(on the dog reality show)
"If this was in my backyard I wouldn't even look out my window... but it's on TV so people love it"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : 2 days ago I told my chick wait for the millenium, then I realized I forgot, Kurt Cobains dead jesus christ

[No_Statik]

discussing Hulk Hogans recent problems.....

"he's got the Ultimate Warrior to deal with again, his son is in jail, his ex wife is with a 19 yr old and his daughter wont stop growing"

Makes me cry

[MilkmanDan]

(Discussing Guidos invading NJ Beaches)

Dave : They bring in 85% of the revenue Mr. B
Ron : Yeah trying to squeeze in some sun between their tattoos.

[Ball of Hate]

"They love to go to the beach and tan the little space in between their tattoos."

[gofurself]

You show me a guy who's good with children, and I'll show you a guy who loves to suck baby dick

[Chester'sLiver]

*after Ron notices the hot girls watching the show
Why don't you run out there and tell them how much I bench..

[hudsonharden]

Earl: My father would have a major problem if I brought home a white woman.
Ron: Why's that? Because he never got one?

[Sack of Chisels]

"I can drink two cases of beer, 15 shots, be rolling a joint, and fucking driving with my knee and waving to cops going by!"

"I've told a cop once, and I got let go, and I told him I was on my way to an emergency abortion-- we're right on the line, we're going to zip into the 2nd trimester unless I get out of here"

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, I get ya. I'm with ya 40%

[Arch Stanton]

Dave, stop pointing at your crotch

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: It's like baseball...if you succeed half the time
Ron: Unless the pussy is coming at you like a hard curve, you have no excuse to not hit it

[Arch Stanton]

I am really close on this election thing, relly close to going in the voting booth and pushing it over like I did in the last two elections

[dilznick101]

Ron in hayseed voice:

"you fart in my mouth and I'll fart in your mouth. that mean's we're married. That's a Tennessee weddin'."

[mikek]

To Fez, imitating Fez's gay lover, Ed:

You fart in my mouth, and I'll fart in your mouth. That means we're married.

[dilznick101]

Ron lamenting the fact that no one besides him on the show is capable of an erection:

"This is a fuckin' limp dick show i've put together. 'Spaghetti Cocks' noon to three."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Happy Typing Girl: I think Dave's a good looking guy
Ron: I know you're a Jew, but Jesus doesn't like it when Jews lie either

[LiddyRules]

"I'm still undecided but leaning to just going in there and pushing the voting machine over just like I did in the last two elections. I don't care. I'm a teen that just really doesn't understand his own anger."

[Sack of Chisels]

"when I leave a relationship I always like to burn the house down so there's no discussion about it later"

[Arch Stanton]

Ah Buddays, It's The Ron And Fez Show...... It's Tuesday.....wink , wink

(pre-taped on The Sunday Before)

[trplc]

Fez: Tell me i eat like bird

Ron: yes, a taradactel

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ya know something is bad if women say, "This is great."

[dilznick101]

i think csi is the worst thing to ever happen to the planet earth. i think it's worse than the aids epidemic of the early 90's

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : I'm telling you, Philly is the best sports town, they never win and they keep coming back and back, they all die of heartattacks at an early age. The oldest man in Philadelphia is 43.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: I can't believe that Fez would turn in his own brother.
Ron: Fez would turn in Jesus Christ himself! He's Judas Iscariot....his real name should actually be Judas I'm-Scare-of-it

[MilkmanDan]

(about the paper towels stuffed in fezs crack during the show)

These look like Brawny bacon strips

[askewcore]

Talking about Veteran's Stadium:

The only good thing going there as a kid, you could watch rats fight.

[Sack of Chisels]

"I call every country artist Garth Brooks.. doesn't matter who it is. That Garth Brooks, he's something"

[Sack of Chisels]

"I think CSI: Miami is the worst fucking thing that's ever happened to the planet earth. I think it's worse than the AIDS epidemic of the early 90's"

[trplc]

Caller - Fez i would love to gargle your ball sweat

Fez - I dont think there is enough to gargle

Ron - It's like drinking out of a hot hose

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: I am not a kid toucher!
Ron: or an adult toucher... I don't even think you're a self toucher!

[OhioPest]

From the best-of re-broadcast today:
Ron B on Courtney Love
"I would have done her at her dirtiest, just so I could put my dick where Kurt Cobain was."

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Earl whats your most embarrassing sexual experience
Earl : When she was on her period
Ron : I consider that a lubricant

[Sack of Chisels]

"I can't tell you how many games I was at as a kid with my dumb glove. and I'm sitting so high up that you wouldn't have been able to shoot me with a gun, let alone get a baseball up there."

[NortonsHeiny]

I am catching up on my recorded stuff so I dont recall which shows these are from but here goes...."Earl I would give you 40 acres and a mule but just not in this country. How about 40 acres and a flat screen?"

[NortonsHeiny]

"Earl I would like to you to go back to Africa and make a canoe out a tree to feel better about yourself..."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Germ Freak gave Lily a face slamming.."Wow for the first time in my life I found myself wanting to ask Hey Germ Freak, how much you benching?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Someone calls and Ron says "Hold on Im listening to thousands of radios click off."

Oh now I remember it was a boring Sam call

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron then tells Sam "You have the excitement of Al Dukes afterbirth!"

[NortonsHeiny]

Before asking a question he says "Im going to say this because Earl and Franklin are here; Let me axe you a question."

[NortonsHeiny]

During the Hosp visit "Would you buy a subscription to a magazine? We have Boys Life in here."

[NortonsHeiny]

"Its pot luck with Hosp"

[NortonsHeiny]

More Hosp fun "Donate your pubic hair for kids who dont have their own"

[Sack of Chisels]

on banging Condoleezza Rice
"To me she looks a little like Patrick Ewing... I would do her if she wore a knicks jersey"

[TonyBagels]

(7-22, about things that would vanish from America)

Dave: Number 8 is wild horses.
Ron:...We used to go out west when I was younger, and there was wild horses out there, and my dad used to let us shoot at them from the truck. Now, looking back at it, it wasn't a good idea. Cause one time I got 11 horses, and really only about 7 of them was a direct kill. 4 of them I saw just dragging themselves off. And you get that whole family laughing, "you can't shoot. You shot him in the ass." God, you miss that childhood memories.
Fez: Now they're vanishing.
Dave: It seems like you could have stopped at 3 or 4. Seems like 11 was a bit much.
Ron: Well, we were kids. You know, we were kids. And also there was a guy that worked at a liquor store, but my dad said don't even mention that.

[LiddyRules]

"The replays are like a shot in the heart. People always say 'Fez used to sound like that!?' and I say *annoyed yet defeated* 'he will again.'"

[hudsonharden]

Ron: (to Fez) Would it be better if you were råped?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: My parents wouldn't even let me sleep next to my girl cousin by the age of 10 because they said it was like putting her next to a pirate

[Jimmy's Dignity]

while watching Fez spoon with Babyface (Fez = Big Spoon)

Ron: It's like watching a gorilla fuck a bunny!

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Dave "Dave you have pickle cell anemia. It means you can't get a hard on."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez is taking his shirt off "I don't know how to tell you this, but your sweaters wet."

[NortonsHeiny]

When wooing Fez, "Fez if you had a tv in your asshole I would never stop watching it."

[NortonsHeiny]

More wooing, "Fez will put black face on and play the banjo for me?"

[NortonsHeiny]

"Fez will you put a napkin on your dick and play Ku Kux Cock?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron says that finding Daves brain in his skull would be like "Finding a pea in the Licoln Tunnel."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Earl "Your bad and you just get worse."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Alright Dave, take your penis away from the bible. I'm not superstitious, but that's just ODD!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Fezzie, you need to steal some of this kid's heart...that way he wouldn't get so much air-time

[Sack of Chisels]

Earl's dad would open the hydrant and then start a barbecue next to it-- "it's great out here this time of year"

[Sack of Chisels]

<dave doing fez ass-shots>
"why couldn't we have done this bit with bijou philips?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Yeah, the news is about John Edwards being a scumbag for cheating on his wife, but lets face it, she had cancer

[mikek]

Discussing the back-to-back deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes:

"That's 2 less votes for Obama"

[Sack of Chisels]

on retards protesting
"Wait till you see that protest with all of the signs spelled wrong"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, you heard about all those gorillas they found?
Earl: Yeah, something like 125,000 of them!
Ron: You should get your blood-line checked...

[Sack of Chisels]

If a woman sleep walks she's getting fucked, there's no way around it-- "oh you were dreaming!"

[TonyBagels]

(about the All Points West festival, to Canadian caller)

Canada and Jersey are two different places. You don't want to be sittin' on Guido-beach, with your family, listenin' to some guy talkin' about how much he benched.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I really hope Sirius renames this show "The Dumb Show"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Track and field was the first fucking sport! Who's the fastest person here, that's the first sport. Know what the second was?
ESD: Hmm?
Ron: Prostitution. "I bet I can cum faster than you."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Could you imagine if cumming fast would get you a medal? Dave would be our Mark Spitz

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

Evolution:
"Fez is barely out of the trees. His mom is his first family member to come down and take a job as an operator."

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: would you blow a bull?
Fez: no!
Ron: alright, that's the third species he wants nothing to do with.

[Sack of Chisels]

in reference to the liquor that Fez is drinking
"It smells like a junior prom"

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: we have the worst bar in Manhattan!
Ron: ..well, it's not a bar, it's a radio station.

[Sack of Chisels]

"Fez, I've seen pictures of you as a child and I don't think any guy could have kept a hard on with that little hairy fat kid"

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : I ruined my friends dinner before and said "I cant drink this white wine anymore" and got a 6 pack
Ron : Why didnt you just say "I cant stand this anymore" and start blowing each other

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : You're my best friend, and you're my partner
Ron : I'm not comfortable with either of those.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We're gonna open up the phone lines for the Ichiban...a little bit we like to call "You do the prep for us"

[Stig]

"Dave isn't in today."

[mikek]

Fanboy means nothing more than, "I live in my mom's basement."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: (while spinning around in his chair) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! GRAVITY IS GONE!!!!! Oh shit...I almost took out a flat screen

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While talking about the Spanish basketball team pulling their eyes back to look Chinese...

Ron: I remember one time I did that and my dad said, "Hahaha! You look like a World War II whore!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Then I had to do a silly dance for his poker buddies. Know what I remember most about that night Fez?
Fez: What was that?
Ron: I made $450
Fez: Wow...musta been a good dancer
Ron: Eh...not just doin' dances.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, you're black, right?
Earl: Yeah.
Ron: EWW!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We'd put it on at 4am! Why don't we just put on a show called, "What's Wrong, Can't Sleep?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Jay Mohr: Ron, I really want to do this! How do I get in touch with you? Just you
Ron: You've got my number, you've called me before
Jay: Oh yeah, okay I gotta go. <click>
Ron: Earl, get me a new phone

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Fez always asks me to drive, I'm like, "It's your car! I don't want my insurance going up" so he just says, "Oh I'll just cover it, whatever it is you do." So after that I just started hitting every fuckin' trash can for fun

[Sack of Chisels]

"Da Iraqi's are a bunch of 911'ers, let's git em!"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Fez, are you fucking helpless? I've met people with no arms and no legs that seem like they could handle life better than you."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Fez sounds like if a giant shrimp boat could talk"

[duggernaut]

I had tears after this line. He is a true genius.

Talking about getting coke to write an article on how great Bush is.

Ron: Who's the best president in the world? That fucking sweating water head over in China right now. I love that prick - and you should to. Vote for em. I am so high right I am chewing on my wrists. The end.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: I think I should go to the Big Ass Prize Closet
Ron: I would send you there, but you asked so no and I don't like your attitude

[mikek]

Caller: Millie Hatchet successfully got through gall-bladder surgery .
Ron: Oh, this day's just getting worse & worse, isn't it?

[cokelogic]

Pepper Hicks requesting dinner from Lily
Ron: "Honey, can you make beer and sandwiches"

[hudsonharden]

Ron: And another thing Earl, it's impossible for you to field with a finger in your ass.
Earl: I don't play with a finger in my ass.
Ron: Then why do they call you Brown-Finger Douglas?

[Sack of Chisels]

Caller: Hey Ron, I got an Ichiban. The Chinese have figured out a way to keep it from raining..
Ron: Yea, it's called an umbrella. Flora you're on Ron & Fez.

[Chester'sLiver]

About Everyone loves Raymond
Why is he always in trouble with is wife?...Punch her in the fucking forehead.

[Sack of Chisels]

(southern guy)
"You know who really rocks? Ozzy.... Ozzy Osbourne..... he was in Sabbath."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Earl he is only four words away from being a mime

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron says he has seen pics of Fez as a child and says "it would be like fucking a hairy beach ball."

[NortonsHeiny]

On what constitutes a girl drink Ron tells us "If you drink a drink out of a half of coconut you're a woman."

[TonyBagels]

(about Lilly's father's sauce, sold at King's in New Jersey)

Their motto is: It's so good, you'll swear it was coming out of a vagina. Why can't I be in advertising? 'Another vagina reference?'

[TonyBagels]

What's with the pwned thing anyway? There's nothing I hate worse. Oh wait, I know what I hate worse...Earl.

[TonyBagels]

(from the drinking show)

There are only two jobs where you can drink at work...radio and cops.

[TonyBagels]

(drunk show)

You have a vacation drink, you're a fuckin' woman! A man is like: I'm on vacation, I'll have a scotch! You drink out of a coconut, you're a woman!

[TonyBagels]

(drinking show)

Franklin: When I drink, I drink wine.
Ron: What do you do, sing Goodbye Horses..with your dick tucked between your legs?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: I am a full blown Democrat...
Ron: That's the only thing you've ever been blown in

[TonyBagels]

(talking to Dave)

Dave: That was a mistake.
Ron: You know what's a mistake? That beard.

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron: "You spit on my dick, I'm gonna spit on your face."

[Chester'sLiver]

Telling Fez why not to call 911 for his cat:
Fez:"What do I do if the cat's not breathing?"
Ron:"Call the butcher.."

Ron:"You taking your cat to a hospital is the same as me taking a roast beef sandwich."

[Arch Stanton]

Guess what...if you show up to the Vet and the Cat is dead, it is no big deal. It's a dead cat. It's like showing up with a Roast Beef Sandwich

[Arch Stanton]

I have to explain to him (Fez) the jokes that the audience already gets

[Arch Stanton]

Fez will be the town crier for the Richard Lewis unmasked...

Here ye...Here Ye

[Chester'sLiver]

Fez wants a 2 man club with Ron

Ron:"Are you saying you wanna have sex with me?"
Fez:"noooooooooooooo"
Ron:"Cause I will tell you one thing right now.....I'll wear your ass out."

[Arch Stanton]

(To Fez)
Tell me the truth....Have you ever had sex with that cat?

[Sack of Chisels]

"You know how to tell when a bet is rigged? When I take it."

[Vyce]

(Talking about Fez's cat)

Fez: She bit me on the nose the other day.
Ron: You have it up her ass? Cause they don't like that.

[Arch Stanton]

I will say this, that on Earth 2 where everyone is GAY, the back seat would be used for blowing each other and the front seat would be used for conversation.

[Arch Stanton]

I've said this before, but if Women didn't have vaginas, they would be useless.

[Arch Stanton]

They say that workin' too hard could give you a heart attack yack yack yack yack yack

[Arch Stanton]

So Germfreak, what piece of radio gold do you have for us....Snore zzzz Snore Zzzzz

[Arch Stanton]

Caller...niagra falls

Ron: Niagra Falls....slowly I turned

[Arch Stanton]

The other day while Fez was taking a piss, I threw water all over him and he thought I pissed on him.

[Arch Stanton]

Your dick is probably cleaner then the faucet you turn to wash your hands with, if you do the right thing with it and keep it clean.

[Arch Stanton]

You pick out your clothes the 1st and maybe the 2nd day of school. Buy the 3rd day you don't care what you wear.
What do ya think? Your gonna get better grades because of what you wear?

[Arch Stanton]

Lilly, you know what...your hair, this summer it is fantastic

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I would carry my books in color order
Ron: Then what, get a guy to cum on your face?

[Arch Stanton]

If I couldn't fit it in my pockets, I wouldn't carry it. What do ya want? For me to look like Fez?

[King_Sean]

Talking to Shirley Phelps-Roper... "It's good to paraphrase the lord"

[Jerry1]

"I get scared when Muslims get silly. I forget how silly 9/11 got."

Ronnie B.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Do you picture God as more of a George Burns or a Morgan Freeman?
Fez: Umm...I guess George Burns
Earl: Morgan Freeman!
Ron: ....of course you do.

[mikek]

Ron, addressing how everyone on the show rushes to agree with him:

Know what I'm going to call this show from now on? Echocheck.

[krisko]

From 8/19/08

Ron: There he is, the greatest Olympian of all time, Michael Phelps
Dave: You mean Carl Lewis?
Ron: Carl Lewis...Carl Lewis can't even swim

[hudsonharden]

(on Kobe's popularity in China)
Ron: The Chinese really love Kobe Bryant, or they're big fans of råpe.

[hudsonharden]

Ron: Fez, what cereal did you eat as a kid?
Fez: Lucky Charms.
Ron: Earl, I know you ate Negroes, what about you Dave?

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron on Obama)

Ron : So he's a Mulatto, why cant we be proud of his White mother. I'll tell you why off the air, we used to have a name for that in the old neighborhood.

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron on Lilly)

Ron : If we could just get lilly to wear something nice around the office, she looks like she brushed her hair with fishbones

[MilkmanDan]

Lilly : I like white guys, but I dont like guidos
Ron : They're not white, dont worry.

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : I open mouth kissed a girl while in College after a play !
Ron : And that woman turned out to be Roseanne Barr

[NortonsHeiny]

On Fez "Your like a 63 year old woman saying m-fer and penis apparatus."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Fez comments on wrestling being a hobby or interest Ron tells him "Well now I feel bad for your because you sound like a lonely 5th grader."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks Fez "Are you afraid to go out because you might r*pe a child?"

[NortonsHeiny]

After saying that being a grandparent is the greatest role Ron clarifies that "The greatest role in the black family is being the mom or dad you just get to leave."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Earl he better start to impress someone around there and then suggests "Maybe you should beat up a baby first."

[BabyLuvWhatley]

from 8/20:

Ron: if someone tells you your talent belongs in the back of the bus what would you say?

AJ: umm ummm umm

Ron: How bout this, fuck you fuckstick I sit up front.



I spit out my gum when that came out.

[Stormrider666]

Ron: Jessica has done more damage to the Simpson name than O.J.

[hudsonharden]

"For some reason we stopped having rock stars. We sit at home playing rock video games, and we have rock museums. Rock 'n' roll is a video game. Rock 'n' roll is a chance to look at Elvis' pants. It's everything but a fucking lifestyle. It's fast food. It's over kids, you missed it, the death rattle is even done. That little kid from Almost Famous ought to shoot himself in the head."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(after playing Family Feud...the home version)
Ant: This program sucks!
Ron: The program that sucks is the Ron & Fez show! We've been stealing money for 3 years!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We've been sleepin' late & stealing money, now that's all fucked because of this merger!

[MilkmanDan]

Lilly : Fez you could be the Guinnea-Pig for all these Pharmaceutical companies
Ron : Drop the Guinnea

[MilkmanDan]

(Lilly and Sam ramble uncomfortably)

Ron : You really do stink without me Lilly.

[MilkmanDan]

(Crazed makes up words while freestyling)
Ron : you're the only person that can find something that rhymes with Riceps !

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron was commenting on Fez living alone and asks him "Do you ever yell out Hey Nobody Come in here and see this?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks Fez "If you did have a room mate would you blow him?"

[NortonsHeiny]

About School Clothes Shopping "Earl your so lucky you didn't have to go buy new clothes. Your mom just gave you your sisters dresses and put a safety pin in the middle and pretended they were jeans."

[TallBaby]

Fez: "Ow, It hit my elbow bone"

Ron: "Back off. I own the inside of the plate."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Dave "You know sometimes your like having a retard for a friend"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron then tells Dave "Having sex with you would be like banging an albino dolphin"

[hudsonharden]

Ron to Lilly: Wow, you suck on the air without me.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Drunk Skank (from NEW replay): I am pretty honey!
Ron: In Drunk-town

[MilkmanDan]

(From Billy Staples studio date)
Fez: I wonder whose gonna take her home tonight
Ron: I wonder when I'm gonna wack her in the head with a baseball bat

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez did you like school?
Fez : I loved it! I hung out with all the groups.
Ron : Straights?

[TonyBagels]

(7-30)

Dave: They might as well ban sobriety.
Ron: I'm all for that. I would love for that ban to go down. If that happens, You know what Dave, if that day happens, you know what you need to do.
Dave: What?
Ron: Jump a fuckin' fence, 'cause I'm coming for you first.....
Fez: Yes!......

Ron: I know what you're thinking, maybe that's the way Ronnie B should go {slaps arm} just me and the devil. Me and the devil just ridin' this fucker out. I know one thing Stan, one of us has to go, and it ain't gonna be me.

[MilkmanDan]

(on Fetishes)
Ron : So what if a white guy only likes white girls?
Fez : I dont think thats a fetish
Ron : So if a white guy likes italian girls, not white girls, by your logic thats a fetish.

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Hey Fez, theres a adoption center where you can get a gay kid.
Fez : REALLY?
Ron : That'd be like getting a date

[Sack of Chisels]

Crazed: so I'm standing next to Ron Fucking Bennington..
Fez: That's your midde name?
Ron: That's my mother's maiden name.

[Sack of Chisels]

"Big Crazed has never been locked up and look where Fez is going."

[Sack of Chisels]

And I gave this girl an enema with a garden hose.. so we're anally working her over, and when the dad shows up and is asking your family "did he have a garden hose, and did his friend have a stick near my daughter's asssss?"... it's pressure like you would never even understand as an adult. Basically at that age it's almost like being busted for a gigantic amount of drugs... A hose in the ass was very exciting for us.

[FAZ8218]

On MSNBC's coverage of the convention:
"They're like watching the Virus... they are no different from this channel."

[FAZ8218]

To Dave:
"Sunday you were so hungover it was like you were tripping off it. It was like a mescalin high."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Have you ever been to a lesbian wedding?
Lilly: No
Ron: I masturbated through the whole thing...just like every other wedding

[KNUCKLEUP]

after listening for "face!" in curtis blow's "basketball":

"after this curtis blow's going to do a song about brushing your teeth..."

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I'm angry because that caller is making me look bad

Ron: Nope, it's your shirt and beard that are doing that

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: Yeah, I'm going to see the therapist today at 6:00

Ron: You should run in there with Dynamite strapped to your chest

[LiddyRules]

On a $700 sports ticket

"Stay home. Chase the dragon."

[Arch Stanton]

Let's do this:

Uh Jesus...Earl no longer has a soul, he sold it to the devil

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: That's insane

Ron: Your Insane

[thefirebuilds]

Going old school to the line that got me hooked on ron and fez years ago, they were on O&A promoting the enema jokeoff;

Anthony:Stalker Patti gets 200 dollars a month for rent and she wants to live in Bay ridge, Brooklyn.
(Without missing a beat)
Ron: You know where she should live is ah..1931

Instantly hooked from that moment.

Interestingly the thing that hooked me was also a promo:

Ron: "It's the Ron and East side daaaaaave show"
*throws cowbell* *CLANG!*
dave: "OWWWWWWW"
Ron: "I'd listen to that."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Now is Alaska a state or not? They border Canada, and Russia.. that makes them a foreign country in my eyes!"

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, your from St Pete?
Fez: yeah
So your a St Petersbugerererer

[Arch Stanton]

What do ya got a little bronchitis?
Fez: Yeah, right here in my chest OWWWW(Ron launches cowbell at Fez to loosen up bronchitis)
There, you see, that loosened it up.

[dilznick101]

after Fez's misconception that Dave had taken a shot at him by calling Fez a hot dog vendor:

Ron: That's just crazy. That wasn't even aimed at you. Do you know how many conversations you haven't been connecting with today both on and off the air?

Fez: Yes. Quite a few.

Ron: Just do me a favor.

Fez: What?

Ron: Go get your fuckin hot dog cart!

[FAZ8218]

"When you live in Cleveland or Cincinnati, you're can't wait for a reason to get out of the house. You're just like 'oh there's a baseball game, or a basketball game, or football. When you're in Florida there's other stuff to do. You're sailin, your fuckin doin coke..."

[Cum_Son]

Kinda throw away, but quoting the absurdity of the lame epiphany line of that movie "The Wackness". Alright movie, but that line was a little cringy.

Talking to Fez about his mental problems:


"I see the dopeness and all you see is the wackness."

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : A-Rod has passed Mike Schmidt on the all time home run list
Ron : For now. Dont count Mike out, he's the Joe Paterno of baseball

[MilkmanDan]

(on Fez's accent)

Fez : My tongue just goes where it wants
Ron : Ewwww... Buttholes, balls..

[Sack of Chisels]

"When you hear Fez coming up with an opinion, just turn the volume down, give it 4 seconds, he doesn't go long, then back up again."

[TonyBagels]

(about a Keisha/Lilly Saturday Night Virus Show)

Ron: Earl, would you be willing to produce that?
Earl: Yeah, definately.
Ron: Then why don't you do it for the Ron & Fez Show?

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : Yeah I ate 57 pieces of sushi and the sodium made my hands swell up, retaining water
Ron : I took you in the ER, the doctor said you had mitten hands

[salz4life]

Edit: Deleted.... jackjack got the quote correct

[jackjack]

Ron to Lily:
'What do you think is wrong with you and your cold cunt?'

[hudsonharden]

You know what's good? Thorogood.

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

On spitting or swallowing:
"What do I care what you do with it, wax the car with it, put it in a fucking mayonnaise jar and send it to starving kids in Africa, once it's out of me, I don't care."

[Sack of Chisels]

Lilly: I cannot deepthroat, but I make up for it other ways..
Ron: You date guys with smaller dicks?

[Sack of Chisels]

Keisha: I haven't dated a black guy in almost 10 years, cause he ruined it so badly for me..
Ron: Your pussy?

[Sack of Chisels]

on Fez's pizza-freezing techniques.

"Well, these are helpful hints for LUNATICS!"

[LiddyRules]

"The only thing I dislike about Obama is that he killed his wife and that waiter."

[Arch Stanton]

So, she still will come to New York and live with you, but she will bring her boyfriend.
Fez: Oh, I don't want that
Ron: Why, he can put something up your ass while you are doing your business

[Arch Stanton]

Would you have sex with Patty?
Fez:No, I would be self conscious knowing she would be doing it begrudgingly
Ron: That would be ****, which makes it hotter

[Arch Stanton]

You like Farts
Fez: Know I do not like Farts
You Lick farts , you licked a fart
Fez: No I never never never never licked a fart

[FAZ8218]

Ron:"You ever steal from work?"
Patti: "No."
Ron:"So you're not like Fez"
Fez: "Paper..."
Ron: "Yeah, and every time you collect a paycheck"

[FAZ8218]

"Earl do you remember the first time you saw the Jackson 5?"
"Yeah"
"Is that like your black Beetles?"

[TonyBagels]

(from 9-2, while listening to Curtis Blow's Basketball)

This is a great song. By the way, this is Obama's theme song.

[TonyBagels]

(9-2)

Ron: You got faced. Why don't you admit it.
Dave: I didn't get faced by Curtis Blow.
Ron: Why don't you use, 'Shoulders! Shoulders!'

[TonyBagels]

(9-2, to Earl)

Do you like The Kinks because of that gay song? 'Cause it's OK with me DL.

[TonyBagels]

DAVE: That's insane

Ron: Your Insane

(fixed)

[TonyBagels]

I think what they're doing over there in India is, "I'm gonna wipe some bugs off of me, go inside the cool, watch a movie; and quietly in the dark, eat a hamburger.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : And to answer your question Earl, the only way to camp is in a hotel room. I'll call downstairs, order up a bonfire to the 24th floor.

[Arch Stanton]

Your not gonna live forever, and I'm looking at you Fez

The only way you will live forever is FAME...your gonna live forever...FAME...your gonna live forever

[Arch Stanton]

I can't use East Side Dave, but I can use Dave McDonald. He's from the East side, which I guess is tougher.

[Arch Stanton]

Why don't they change Saturday Night Live to Don't watch this anymore.

When I watch SNL, I want to post on Wackbag how the show used to be better.

Post like Liddy Rules on how the show used to be better