Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Now Franklin what are you?
Franklin : Part Cuban , Black
Franklin : Irish, German, Italian
(Ron cutting him off) : Those parts have all been destroyed

[MilkmanDan]

Earl : Now on the show Rome, all her servants are black, all her handmaidens are black, and she's completely pale !
Ron : Well they wanted to get some ratings.

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: yea, when you look at my parents they really could be brother and sister.
Ron: COULD BE? or ARE?

[FAZ8218]

"There's three reasons why I like Danny:
1. He's a hustler.
2. "CAN YOU CAAAAALLLL PIIIIIAAAAAAANNNNNOOOOOOSSSS FOR ME?!" No one could do it better.
3. He hates Lily.

[dilznick101]

"That's why I like a chick with one eye. 'Cause I'll tear that fuckin' eye out she keeps talkin' to me like that."

-Ron Bennington

[NortonsHeiny]

From Fridays Shows "I just saw Anthony getting into a two seater rocket ship with a sippy cup holder."

[maz]

Earl : I could be your #1
Lily: creepy
Ron: It is
Earl : What

Ron: It sounds like you want me to piss on you
Earl : No not at all
Ron : Would Ya let me
Earl : noooo
Ron : Dave would , that's the difference

Laughed out loud at this one

[BIV]

This is actually for Lilly during the Sam race conversation:

Earl: What, Is there something wrong with having some black in you?
Sam: I'm not saying there is.
Lilly (under her breath): Actually, there kind of is.

[Pearce]

"Every guy needs to cum before he goes to sleep. That's fucking science, my friend."

[jimmyolsenblues]

"Every guy needs to cum before he goes to sleep. That's fucking science, my friend."

:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap: :clap::clap:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I didn't even let my kids watch Sesame Street
Fez: Why?
Ron: Mmmph...I don't like em learnin'

[duggernaut]

Satellite of Love starts playing...

Ron: Oh that music. That's the best fucking music in the world. That means the abortion is over.

[Steveo71]

Ron (as Joe Biden) : "Who's good? Thergood's good"

Ron (as Joe Biden) : "Amtrack, Hoegies, Smokes and Cokes"

[FAZ8218]

All day:
"Oh honey that's the pills talking, come on..."

Had me rollin, and this one:


Earl : I could be your #1
Lily: creepy
Ron: It is
Earl : What

Ron: It sounds like you want me to piss on you
Earl : No not at all
Ron : Would Ya let me
Earl : noooo
Ron : Dave would , that's the difference

Laughed out loud at this one

[Goober]

'The Ron and Fez Show', It is like having your dick in something really wet and really tight, for three hours."

[maz]

On Nico moving to Alabama

Ron : I got 2 words for you , Nico , Roll Tide

Your yarmulke is gonna be a Bear Bryant hat

:haha7:

[FAZ8218]

Ron: Who did that "Yeeeeeeesss"
Fez: Was that Greg Gilverstein?
Ron: You are so old...

[FAZ8218]

Fez: He would get real swarmy
Ron: What, he would start runnin around people?
Fez: He would get real snotty
Ron: What, he would start blowin snot on people?

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: Well, they are under mandatory evacuation in Houston

Ron: Howston

Fez: Ahaha...Howston

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : I wonder if what happened to earl today, happened to Fez
Ron : Oh my god, it would've been like the last scene in Real Genius, except with Jizz

[Digital_Trauma]

September 11, 2001: "There's no reason it should mean anything to that kid."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Earls display on O&A today Ron tells him he should be suspended like Dave and adds "you should just go home and give me a vacation."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks "Earl what do you have dried up potato flakes in your underpants?"

[NortonsHeiny]

He follows it up with "Was there a little blood when your cherry popped?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You're a little scared of the Rider, aren't you Kayden?
Kayden Cross: Yeah...a little bit
Ron: Have you ever had sex with a guy in a mask before?
Kayden: Umm...no
Ron: Yeah. Well good luck gettin' out of here today

[hudsonharden]

Ron: Who did that "Yeeeeeeesss"
Fez: Was that The Great Gildersleeve?
Ron: You are so old...

fixed it for ya...

I only know that occasionally listening to XM164

[NortonsHeiny]

When discussing the differences if Cubans Ron tells Franklin "No offense but none of you Cubans are white."

[NortonsHeiny]

Sam blabs on about his racial make up prompting Ron to ask "What was your grandmother the victim of a gang ****?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron renames the Gary Puckett Band (?) Gary Fuck It and your Mothers Gap

[NortonsHeiny]

Called Earl a Sperm Sprinkler

[FAZ8218]

Ron: Dave is back. Dave how are you doing?
Dave: I feel the best. I feel like number one.
Ron: Like piss?

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: We lost another Pink Floyd member
Ron: Did you look behind the couch? they sometimes fall behind the couch

[dilznick101]

Swissy: I'm such a big fan. ...of meerkat manor. not of aids.

Ron: I don't get either one to tell you the truth.

[TonyBagels]

(9-3)

Do my Dad's joke, and go, "i'm gonna take the fifth", as you take a pull off the bottle

[dilznick101]

"You really can't say enough good things about mr. mel gibson. ...except that when he drinks he's hard on the jews. ...and ONLY when he drinks. and let's face it: he works in that industry so he knows them better than us."

[jimmyolsenblues]

the only thing bad you can say about mel gibson is that he is hard on the jews and he works with them in that industry so he knows them better than us.

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Fezzie's poor "Fez Whatley: The Guy Who Doesn't Know That Much About The Economy" bit:

Ronnie: "You could bring any old comedian back and they couldn't do that bit. Zombie George Carlin couldn't get laughs with that!"

[Angelfuck]

Ron: why does he have to paint himself into the corner?! you've got paint, you're in the corner, you don't have to paint yourself into it! just put the paint down and walk away

[TonyBagels]

(about Paul McCartney's death threat)

Fez: What's to hate Paul McCartney about?
Ron: Uh, well... Wings

[TonyBagels]

Dave: It was the monkey cage, at least they're 99.99% similar to us, I mean DNA wise.
Ron {whispering}: All right Earl

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave about his horrific jokes)

Why should we all suffer? watching you die here in front of us. It reminds me of when we pulled the plug on my Grandmother.

[TonyBagels]

(about expensive luggage)

I still use what I like to call Hindu Tourister. Throw my clothes in a plastic bag and I'm off to Wildwood.

[duggernaut]

While discussing special needs kids playing sports in school, basketball in particular -

Ron: I'd foul him. Put him on the line. You want those points, take em on the line. And when he would go shoot the ball, I would scream ' your mom died!' And that will freak them out every time.

[duggernaut]

Ron: Do you think the guys talk about you behind your back?
Fez: Yeah, I think they get together and have a good hardy-har-har.
Ron: Wow, are you crazy.

[FAZ8218]

On Dawn being a pastor...
"We used to call her Pastor Dutchie"

[dilznick101]

^"....from the left hand side."

[Sack of Chisels]

"Six tons of cocaine, that might've maybe lasted us until halloween"

[my_liver_aches]

"flathead !!!!!!!.................. They got the boat !!!"

[okterrificsk2]

Ron mocking a caller complaining about how he was treated when he visited RaF.

Ron : fake crying "aaaahhhh my feelings aaaaaahh my feelings".

[Sack of Chisels]

I've never met an eldery person who I ever thought to myself "man, they watch some great TV shows"

[Sack of Chisels]

I was a shop major.. but we didn't have any tools... what we studied was shop theory.. one of the questions on a test was "could you put a nail into wood?"-- I had to fucking copy off the guy next to me.

[FAZ8218]

"I'll tell you, our staff are a bunch of monkeys fuckin a football..."

[Bill Lehecka]

"Our Production Staff are like monkeys trying to fuck a football!"

So absurd, so enjoyable.

[FAZ8218]

By the way, Canada, we need all your money. We're just gonna ask nicely, or else... you don't get to see the next Spiderman.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Everyone was excited for Warren Sapp coming in aside from Mooch. Mooch asked, "Is that Earl's dad?"

[Arch Stanton]

Sorry Fez, you weren't supposed to hear that

[Arch Stanton]

Well, we came in early today, and sorry we couldn't announce it

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: (on Sapp) His eyes beamed
Ron: I never thought of another mans eyes as attractive.....Ok, Paul Newman

[FAZ8218]

I pledge my allegiance to a flag... I'm 5, why do you need me?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Every messageboard in America should change it's name to Fuck the Bag

[Arch Stanton]

Trump came out for McCain and said he is the White choice, then he corrected himself and said Right choice

[LiddyRules]

Trump came out for Obama. He said "he's the white choice." Then he corrected himself saying, "I mean he's the right choice." But then he said "no, I meant white choice."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Lilly what about you? What animal would you like to be?
Lilly: I think probably a monkey
Ron: Oh look how happy Earl is! He can finally take Lilly home...

[disgustip8ed]

I can't even remember the line and it was only said two minutes ago.

on it being National Talk Like a Pirate Day:

"I'm stealing goods and services and taking them down to South America. Oh noooo, the plane's crashing! I'm Roberto Clemente..."

JD edit: Got it for ya ;)

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(while talking to Ant about him not giving Crazed a ride to Chez Cumia)

Ron: Now was this back when you had the Escalade? Or was this after the B & E you were talking about the other day?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I had a sit down with him the other day and Ant said, "I'm just trying to have a nice summer," so I said, "It's September."

[FAZ8218]

To Dave the intern:
"Henny Youngman called and said thanks for making him look more gentile."

[disgustip8ed]

To Ant about getting out of relationships/employment opportunities:

"Its also hard to care while your drunk."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So two beers and you're done?
ESD: Yeah, no way is it working
Ron: Oh, so you've never had sex on the weekend...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(Ant's talking about how Keith gets pissed if there's a stain on the furnature)
Ron: You're Italian, just wrap everything in plastic!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about Ant's cum-stained couch...and Fez staying over at his place
Ant: There are rooms upstairs, full privacy if that's what you need. Or I can just toss you on the couch on top of Danny & Marissa :haha7:
Ron: Just suckin' that couch dry...the ultimate stain remover

[dilznick101]

talking about whether or not a girl should swallow:

"I like them to take a little on the forehead -- a little on the titties. you know. sit in your shame"

[NortonsHeiny]

I am catching up on posting from my Ron Bennington's Line of the Day Diary so I am not sure which shows but none the less here goes...

When talking about Nico Ron says "Did you like me when I was the star of Welcome Back Kotter?"

[NortonsHeiny]

To Earl when he jacked off on the porn chick, "It doesn't make sense that your cum looks like chocolate syrup?"

[NortonsHeiny]

More Earl cum lines "He had to explain to his cum that the patriots had an undefeated season and then somehow lost the Superbowl."

[NortonsHeiny]

Last one about Earls cum "Now your back to one lonely tad pole swimming around down there."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells a caller "If I lived in Pheonix you what traffic I'd be checking? The traffic out of town."

[NortonsHeiny]

Forget who he asked this of but "What's like to have tapioca for a brain?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking about a man caring for kids "If you can take care of babies better then your wife then you married a crack head."

[NortonsHeiny]

About Fezzie wearing the mask "You dont look like Zorro you look like Zero"

[Sack of Chisels]

on doing crystal meth at age 63
"you might as well tie a fucking hand grenade to your heart"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron says to Dave about his child being born "Didn't you say it was like a pebble leaving a boot?"

[NortonsHeiny]

About his very own cupcake "We like to say that it is like sucking on a fun tit!"

[NortonsHeiny]

Crazed says he would be a dolphin to which Ron replies "The problem with being a dolphin is once in a while I like to sit in a chair."

[NortonsHeiny]

When Crazed asks Ron what animal he would be Ron states "Earl, because you cant be fired and you dont have to listen."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Anthony being rude and not driving Crazed home "Here's what drives me crazy. You listen to the show and then the host won't drive you home!"

[NortonsHeiny]

When Anthony is discussing how Dave just puts his business out there Ron says "Dave we have literally wasted white skin on."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ichiban Ronnie! Party down in Philly like it's 1980! Phillies magic number is 4!
Ron: Like it's 1980? Or like 1993? I always like to be prepared...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So the Phillies Magic Number is 4...then the get to the nightmare part of the season, which we call the "playoffs"

[Reaper G]

On Jeffrey Ross on "Dancing with the Stars":

"I was gonna watch that but then I remembered that I have a penis."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: No, I think tears & cum will make it heal

[FAZ8218]

Ron: Bentley, what are you drivin?
Caller: A van
Ron: That's ironic, isn't it?

[twotoes]

About finding a band-aid in food:

Ron: That is to "Aids-y" for me. Taste this does it taste "Aids-y"?

[Cum_Son]

Talking about Lilly's strip aerobic class and how her ass was sore

Ron: What from sitting on all those dicks.

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Fezzie, you got the kiddies over at Wackbag thinking that you play a character here and go home to a wife and kids.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, would you ever date anyone who is above you, like a white woman?

[Sack of Chisels]

"Now did you get that from the bible or a movie called Usual Suspects?"

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Earl, what are you Christian?
Earl: Yup
Ron: Well, that's unusual for a Black person. Well, why don't you ask Preacher Man, when he is done screaming and speaking in tongues if you can speak with him in English

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Yeah, I have to do autographs. I am a race car Driver. Drag Racing
Ron: Well, the beauty of that is that the people who are asking for the autograph can't read. You could put down four numbers and they wouldn't know.

[Arch Stanton]

You know what I would do if I was your therapist?

Fez, sit down and cry while I read the paper. I will let you know when your Hour is up.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ronnie, the Ichiban...Oregon State over USC!
Ron: Yeah the Beavers over the Trojans, we've all been there...

[MilkmanDan]

Earl : Even my dad was watching Malcolm X and saying when are they gonna shoot him already?
Ron : My dad did the same thing but it was back in '66

[Arch Stanton]

Pantses, or just pants

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Well first of all, Opie, Jimmy, & Anth....okay well Opie & Jimmy are not racists

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What about you New Lilly? I don't think you could even get the tip in...I'll bet it's like a hairline fracture

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: When I was 10 or 11 years old I was mad at my brother & he had these gerbils--
Ron: Here comes another ass story!

[blee]

Ant is living Guns and Roses.

[NortonsHeiny]

When discussing the private plane crash with the DJ and the Blink 182 guy Dave states he would never fly on a private plane to which Ron states "You would have gotten on that plane in a heart beat. And been jacking while you were doing it."

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave states that perhaps it is time that Earl got a tattoo, Ron says "Who's going to see it?"

[NortonsHeiny]

"If I had a time machine I would at least go back and destroy the 80's."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks Dave if there was anything good on TV during the 80's. Dave says you could say Cheers. "I wouldn't."

[NortonsHeiny]

"Earl the Democratic Party just called and and they asked you to please shut up."

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave tells some story where as a child he was running down the street nude. Ron tells him "No there is nothing sexual about you even a pervert couldn't get a hard on looking at you."

[NortonsHeiny]

"Earl if Obama looses are you going to get new rims?"

[NortonsHeiny]

I guess John Lennons son was whining, Ron tells him "You know what that kid should do? Go cry on a bag diamonds you fucking pussy."

[NortonsHeiny]

About Sean Lennon, "So I guess his hero is Mark David Chapman, he saved you poor little rich boy."

[NortonsHeiny]

A caller tells Ron he was going to eat a sandwich from Subway. Ron tells him "Be careful I found an old cock in one of them once."

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Dave's skin tone.."How do you get paler then clear?"

[NortonsHeiny]

On the awful Eddie Veder Baseball song, "I try not to be hard on the guy, but Kurt Cobain was right this guy's a dick."

[NortonsHeiny]

"Pearl Jam is Gordon Lightfoot"

[NortonsHeiny]

"Sometimes these phones are like a wrench. Its like the phones are beating you in the had with a wrench"

[NortonsHeiny]

On Sam from the Than & Than Show, "That girl from the O&A show....Sam!"

[mikek]

ESD: I think the 20's would be a great time to be a teenager. Mobsters, etc...

Ron: Pretty Boy Floyd, meet Ugly Ass Dave.

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: I think a horse is a pet because you name it
Ron: Oh! Earl, call my dad and tell him to make sure he feeds the boat! cause he named it.. so it's a pet.

[FAZ8218]

Imitating Fez with the cavemen:
"I call it the wheel... or the Fezinator."

[Sack of Chisels]

imitating Tommy Z's penchant for milfs

"I like to put my dick where a baby's been....... MILF!"
"When the other guys were bangin' chicks.. I was talkin' to my friends moms."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: If a man gets :rap:d by another man and the man on the bottom cums...I'm gonna say that's not :rap:!

[MilkmanDan]

(Caller to Blowhard)

Caller : You want people to sit there with a transistor radio scribbling in a boxscore

Ron : Reminds me I gotta call my dad

[Arch Stanton]

Thank God we are on an XL Channel

[Arch Stanton]

Chris on the phone: We have our own entrance.
Fez: What is this, a whites only entrance?
Ron: Hey Earl, tell me what is going on at your side of the club.

[gleet]

The women around this show are mean to everybody. I've had them be mean to me. They've said, "Stop jacking off on me, I'm just trying to get another beer."

[Sack of Chisels]

on Mafialife Chris moving his party to Jay-Z's club.

Chris: No cover charge.. open bar from 9-10..
Ron: and what time do the bullets start flying?

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron askes Jiven if he would bang new Lily, Jiven says yes. Ron tells him "the problem is 20 minutes later your going to want to fuck her again."

[TonyBagels]

(9-29, regarding Casey and Dave)

She must feel like she's making love to a retard.

[TonyBagels]

(9-29, about Jimmy Smits coming onto a TV show well after it's started; imitating Jimmy Smits when interviewed on R&F)

I should be on the 3rd season of Ron & Fez.

[TonyBagels]

(9-29, horse as a pet discussion, to Fez)

Are you gonna make any sense with your argument? A horse is an appetizer!

[Sack of Chisels]

on Patti getting fingered on o&a

"I don't wanna rip this off, but I'd like to try this same stuff with original Lilly today"

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: Patti are you trying to gain friends? is that what this is about? cause you don't need to
Patti: I didn't even volunteer, I was just called over..
Ron: so for you it's like being drafted.. into a terrible situation.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The three things that my dad believes in...the Phils, Jesus, & the Republican Party. And all three of them have let him down

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: This one, the Artichoke, is like an angel had an orgasm in your mouth

[TonyBagels]

(from 9-8)

Is it true in your bible, Earl, that the devil..went down to Georgia, because he was looking for a soul to steal.

[TonyBagels]

(9-10, about being on a two week delay on XM, live on Sirius)

Caller: So you're not gonna be live on XM?
Ron: Yes, we'll be live..but on a two week delay. I like to think of it as live, but aged to perfection.

[Sack of Chisels]

"The Cubs were so awful, that I'm in negotiations right now with Molly's about having my cupcake pulled out of there"

[Sack of Chisels]

on Dave taking a day off
"What am I gonna do, is Fez gonna start talking? Fez, you think you could write up a 3-hour long Nature Boy?"

[Sack of Chisels]

on Dave's grandmother passing

I agree with the whole "life goes on", but not 2 and a half hours into the mourning process

[NortonsHeiny]

On the day everyone was mean to New Lily Ron tells Earl "Earl she won't sleep with you because we told her you have a tail."

[NortonsHeiny]

When Ron was on the phone with Ant they refer to Old Lily & the BabyFuck girls as the Pink Ladies to which Ron adds "And this year they are going to rule your pool."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron talking to New Lily "Everyone is being mean to you because you are the new girl. They should all just tape their eyes back and welcome you."

[maz]

From today
He was talkin' about strangers sharing a room
and noone else was talking

Ron :And I'd hate to try to bring you guys into the conversation ,
Cause I know you got the best seats

[hudsonharden]

"If I was gay I'd never stop fucking"

[Cum_Son]

On Dave going to his grandmother's funeral:


Ron: You taking the baby?

Dave: Yeah.

Ron: Do me a favor and get a picture of the baby in the coffin.

[pseudocop]

"You know Jen, I thought that whole white trash thing was a myth until I met you"

[Sack of Chisels]

on the color of squirrels and possibly evolving

"you can pick those things off from 300 yards away.. but if there was a green one, I wouldn't know what to do, I would be out of my mind, I probably wouldn't even leave the house if there were green animals"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I haven't seen any movies! I wanted to go see the new Cohen Brothers movie! I want to go see Re-jig-ulous...
Ron: Earl's in that!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ronnie, I'm flying into Philadelphia for the first time, I need you to tell me where to go for dinner
Ron: Where ya from?
Caller: I'm from Jacksonville
Ron: Alright, just go to McDonald's

[TonyBagels]

(9-12, to Fez)

Now that you're working in radio, I'd like you to listen to a little music. This way you know where I'm going with these radio jokes.

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: Earl, were you even happy with the debate last night?
Earl: extremely happy!
Ron: of course you were, you saw a black guy on tv! it's the best thing in the world for you!

[TonyBagels]

(9-12, about lunch boxes as kids)
Fez: I had a HR Puff and Stuff
Ron: God you're old. Mine was Radiohead. I was really ahead of my time.

[Sack of Chisels]

"[McCain] looks like he could barely beat Fez in a race."

[TonyBagels]

(9-12, about the new Sirius R&F Show that will do traffic and weather for every city)

Ron: Where are you calling from.
Caller: Phoenix, Arizona
Ron: I'll tell you what, if i was in Phoenix, the only traffic I'd be interested in is heading out of town.

[TonyBagels]

(9-12, further about the traffic)

Caller: Hey I'm really excited about the new format. Do you think we'll get Albany traffic?
Ron: Uh, let me check on the list here, we got the top 70 markets. Albany, ye..OH wait, no, that's Albany Georgia. You live in Albany? Yeah there's no fuckin' traffic there. Who the hell else lives in Albany.
Caller: Uh, the Governor, I guess. He's trying to drive and he's blind.
Ron: Yeah He's blind. Do you know how he got blind?
Fez: How's that?
Ron: He got blinded by science. SCIENCE! Which is really, really scary. That's why I wouldn't take science in high school. Oh, wait, I didn't take science because I used to leave and get high with my friends. I get confused.

[Sack of Chisels]

Picking up Fez at the hospital after he has his memory erased

"Fez do you have that money I lent you? remember I gave you all of that money? And then I would take you back to your apartment and tell you you could sleep on the couch at my place"

[Sack of Chisels]

"My Ass Is Not A Vagina: The Fez Whatley Story"

[TonyBagels]

(9-12, about tapes that Don the Hypnotist gave Fez)

Fez: ...and one is about creativity.
Ron: I want you to listen to that one twice.

[LiddyRules]

"They're wannabees, or, as we called them in our neighborhood "Peppers.""

[Arch Stanton]

Al Dukes: I was on a message board

Ron: That's sad

[Arch Stanton]

You see that chair you are sitting in, it's Jimmy's. If there was ever a chance to get pants aids, that is it.

[Arch Stanton]

Purell doesn't kill all the germs. It just makes your hands smoother to stick up your ass.

[Arch Stanton]

About running out of Coke:

You don't pace it. Do a line every half hour. No, you do what you have then you hit the streets and get more.

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Ronnie I always worried about running out of coke on the weekends.
Ron : Thats the thing, dont worry about running out or pacing yourself, lets just do this and worry about it afterwards.

[Sack of Chisels]

to germfreak

"now when you masturbate are you thinking about an ajax bottle?"

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Did you ever hear the bit by George Carlin about how if he swims in the disgusting East River that he is clkeaner then most of his friends?

Ron: Yeah, that's why he's still alive today.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Here's a question. Did you have sex with your Wife when she was pregnant?
Freak: No, that would be immoral.
Ron: Why?
Freak: Because I would be having sex with the kid.
Fez: What if it wants it?
Ron: Ahahaha!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: I got a question for the Germfreak...if he wouldn't have sex with his wife while she was pregnant, did he have anal sex?
Ron: With the baby?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Germfreak: I don't participate in anal sex...
Ron: Then how do you fuck her in the ass? How do you let her know when you want something done?

[Arch Stanton]

Freak: I don't partake in Anal Sex
Ron: If you don't have anal sex, how do you fuck her up the ass? And then tell her how you want things done?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I got the message from you that Lilly's not going to be here for her last day?
Earl or someone else: No, she's not here today, she's going to be here tomorrow
Ron: Damn. I really wanted to take tomorrow off

[Sack of Chisels]

"I'd like to come over your house and shit somewhere, and not tell you where"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron to Germfreak: I'd like to come over to your house and shit somewhere!

[Sack of Chisels]

Lilly: well, I don't have daddy issues..
Ron: that's the worst kind of girl!

[Sack of Chisels]

"Lilly, will you just promise me you'll come back for Fez's funeral?"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fezzy grew up in Florida, there are no 2 tier buildings, he doesnt even understand what a slinky does

[TonyBagels]

Blowhard: Just to see a car with an 8-track in it..Boy does that take me back.
Ron: Where, to your garage?

[Sack of Chisels]

"[Blowhard] really makes me miss my grandmother."

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: Ow!.. alright, razor on my chair! I think my ass is bleeding!
Ron: I bet that's not the first time you've yelled that out.

[TonyBagels]

(about women)

Yes, we're a minority. We're 51% of the population. It's so difficult for us, we don't suffer from heart disease.

[TonyBagels]

(9-15)
Things are so bad, I had to borrow money from Dave today. That's how bad the economy is.

[NortonsHeiny]

From the beginning of one this weeks shows...."Every country shits the bed...just ask Rome"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron announces that he is changing the name of the show from The Ron & Fez Show to A Million Little Pieces....

[NortonsHeiny]

After Dave gives a horrible speech about his dead Grandmother Ron replies "You cant do any better? She lived to be 95 years old and your acting like the only thing she ever did in her life was play wiffle ball with a red headed retard."

[NortonsHeiny]

Speaking on sleeves of tattoos on arms "After a while it like you know what you need? A photo album."

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave is alarmed that Ron takes his kids Halloween candy so Ron asks "I'm sorry are they paying for that bed?"

[NortonsHeiny]

I can only imagine that Ron was speaking of Earl being near Dawn's baby Warren; "Look at him now he's staring up now like he's just been to the zoo."

[NortonsHeiny]

Right after that line..."Take a picture and we'll call it Baby Tarzan."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks "Got you thinking Earl? Like you might want to have sex with a white woman?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Dawn announces that her baby is ok around Earl, Ron says "Of course he is every kid likes King Kong."

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Crazes attire on Friday "He's buying a shirt at a place called Big A's."

[NortonsHeiny]

During Blowhards call where he thinks Lilly is going to hit it big "What's this reach for the stars and land on the roof?"

[PizzaBomber]

Talking about how you kill animals and the name of the animal is in the word... deer hunting... fishing... frogging... crabbing...

Caller: Ron, its called giggin frogs
Ron cues: white people are so scared of white people
Ron: You my friend are a racist, now you have your gigging, get used to saying Mr. President in the future

[MilkmanDan]

(on the Phillies 3-1 lead in the NLCS)
Dave : I'll just say this the Phillies
Ron : Shut up, I went from screaming at my tv screen to near heartattack. Dont mention the name for the next few weeks.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : There's an old saying "What do you call 2 lesbians on their 2nd date?"
Fez : What?
Ron : Buying a house.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(while discussing what was better, the '60's or the '90's)
Ron: Trans fat? Shut the fuck up...I want something to eat

[weeniewawa]

caller: I want to live every day like american graffiti
Ron: where do you live?
caller: south carolina
Ron: then you already live there

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Earl hows Robert Vaughn doing, did he drop dead on the way home?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: No! I'm not giving you my neice's MySpace!
Ron: Why not? I'm not a blood relative...you can trust me

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Now if she's dating married guys...I definitely want to check out her MySpace

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: No. You're Ringo Starr, the fans don't just stop...they're just older and unfuckable now

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Spy report! Nancy Regan in the hospital with a broken pelvis!
Ron: Well...she's does like to party

[Arch Stanton]

Well, if McCain brings up William Ayres, Obama should say, you hang out with William Ayres.

[Ovaherenow]

Ron : "Do you hit your wife"

"No"

Ron "you should...it won't hurt. and she'll know you love her"

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: My Girlfriend is Bi, we go on dates and she looks at girls and kissed one on the last date. Her last relationship was with a girl for three years. it bothers me.

Ron: So, you won the lottery and have too much cash in your pockets. You have the best situation going. You can find yourself with two, maybe three girls at once.
You know what? Get a gun and shoot your dick off. It is just a piss pump for you. You can't even call it a dick.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And there was a certain baseball game last night out on the West Coast...and let me put it this way...the ending of the game did not suck. Setting up even more heartbreak...even more of a chance for God to get even

[krunk]

Ronnie B start of today's show: "there was a little baseball game played last night on the west coast...and let me put it this way...the ending did not suck....it only sets up more heartbreak"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: God hates two things, the Devil & the city of Philadelphia

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, get me a sit down face to face with John McCain. I need to explain to him that he has to stop this crazy talk or we are gonna have a different kind of Country where Earl will be moved up above all of us.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: One time I went to Wrestling, had a sign that said "Goldberg? More like Jew-berg"

[Arch Stanton]

I was at a Wrestling event and had a sign that said:

Goldberg....more like Jewberg. Security made me take it down.

[Arch Stanton]

You know, Belzer wants to talk to me after that thing today about Radio. He says he did some and that we have a great chemistry, and that he's not gay.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : You know what voice I want you to bring back Fez?
Fez : What?
Ron : The Fez voice.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Du. Du Hoshp. Du Hoshp mesch

[hudsonharden]

I just phoned in the spy report, Ron has passed Nolan Ryan's record of 5,714 strikeouts on this thread. Congrats Ronnie B, the sky's the limit from here.

[TonyBagels]

(9-18, about how much to suck a cock through a glory hole)

Ron: Lilly, what about for you, a stranger, blow. How much money?
Lilly: Uh, a stranger?
Ron:through a glory hole. You never have to see him
Lilly: How much money...probably like 50,000 or something like that
Ron: 50,000? So for 50,000, any stranger can get a blow job from you?
Lilly: Yeah, I wouldn't have to see his face right.
Ron: Just a dick through a glory hole.
Lilly. Yeah
Ron: By the way, it's not a white guy.
Lilly: Oh
Ron: Look at Earl looking how much his life savings is.

[TonyBagels]

(9-19, further on that discussion)

Ron: Dave how about you.
Dave: If it's wearing a condom, 5 Gs
Ron: 5000. If no condom?
Dave: 7 Gs
Ron: Oh I thought you'd say 4

[TonyBagels]

(9-19, same discussion)

Dave: It's not a big deal, I'm sucking a cock for Christ's sake.
Guest (spandy?): Isolate that!
Ron: Dude, if we isolated that, it'd be every fuckin' day. Why isolate if it's going to be every 3 minutes.

[TonyBagels]

(9-19)

Ron: And Fezzie, what about you?
Fez: I'd say, $100,000.
Ron: and if it's a pussy $350,000

[TonyBagels]

(9-19, after a caller from Texas told a story)

I'm sorry. All I heard is, "Hayseed, hayseed, hayseed."

[TonyBagels]

(9-19, about Pat from Moonachie as a demo)

Fez: 18-34 Competitive Eaters
Ron: Starvin'! We got 70 to 80 hot dogs back there.

[TonyBagels]

(9-19, about swallowing during blow jobs)

Ron: Why the need? Do you enjoy the tatse?
Lilly: Um, I don't mind the taste...but what am I gonna do, spit it out?
Anthony: Well, some do.
Lilly: Why? It's in your mouth already. Just swallow it.
Ron: Well, you know, some on your forehead, some on your titties. You know, sit in your own shame.

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Is that guy gay that you're with?
Ron : It doesnt matter if he's gay or not, I wouldnt say he's gay but I wouldnt say he's not not gay.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ronnie (singing to Earl): Slooower to the miiiiic, cause the show's shit. Sloowweer to the miiiic, cause you can't be fired....

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl...there's no difference between a miscarriage & an abortion. So technically, you're an abortionist

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Earl, apparently you're not pro-life!
Ron: Well lets be honest...no man really is

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: If there is a Heaven for unborn babies...I've gotta tell you that Baby Satchemo is up there playing the trumpet

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Would you tell baby Dillon to put his hat on straight & pull up his pants?

[Arch Stanton]

I'm sorry about 'lil Satchamo

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, if that baby lived would you have named it Hosp? I like the name Hosp

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl can get away from responsibility faster than Usain Bolt

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Earl you're supposed to wait until the babies born to get away from it.
Ron : You ran away quicker then Hussein Bolt

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know if that baby lived, it'd already be making more money than you

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, why don't you just jump off the Verrazano Bridge and then I will ride in the Subway and reflect about it.

[dilznick101]

"they're like Wu Tang. You never know who you're gonna get."

-Referring to the Phelps-Roper family singing on the phone.

[MilkmanDan]

Shirley Roper on Paul Newman : He put his wife away and took another, he's going to hell.
Ron : Did you ever try his dressing?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Now the other thing with the Russian Orthodox is aside from Jesus, they're also waiting for the rebirth of Stalin

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: I went to Lutheran School
Ron: That's not even real! That's probably why you can't read so well...

[TonyBagels]

(9-22, Earl thinking Obama will get elected)

Dave: maybe this is a time where Earl should get a tattoo
Ron: Who's gonna see it?

[cigarsandscotch]

9-22-08 "Can I play devil's advocate for a moment?..............worship Satan. Satan is great. Growllllllll, roarrrrrrrrrrrrr" (paraphrased)

[NortonsHeiny]

During the red neck McCain song Ron cuts in & announces "Is this point of the song we'd like everyone of you to stop and fuck your own sister."

[NortonsHeiny]

During the same song the hillbilly sings a line asking Palin why does she hunt. Ron yells "RHYME IT WITH CUNT! RHYME IT WITH CUNT!!"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron speaking about his Free Safety Earl, "He is keeping an eye on everything......I'm kidding, he's useless."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Dave he will take him to "Hosp & Found"

[Sack of Chisels]

*singing to the tune of Strangers in the Night by Frank Sinatra, as Earl enters*

"Slower to the mic, cause this show's shit.. slower to the mic! cause you can't be fired..!"

[Blue Heeler]

"If God had to choose between Sodom and Gomorrah or Philadelphia, he'd choose Sodom and Gomorrah"

[twotoes]

"There's 10,000 people on Roosevelt Island, but suprisingly only 13,000 legs."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh please with the Jamie Foxx. Ron, what is he?
Earl: Well he's a...umm
Ron: Go ahead and say the word Earl

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : I saw a movie called Killdozer then I'd go near construction sites and think these bulldozers would come after me.
Ron : I saw a movie called Faildozer, it starred Earl Douglas

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez stopped watching movies when they came out with what was called "Technicolor".

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Blowhard, what was your worst day? Jan 1st 1980? The end of the 70's?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Still fighting this cold...I was talking to the doctor, he said that technically I'm dead.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The only time I pay attention to a fuckin' woman is when she's wearing a g-string

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: That looks fucking great...now is it $250? Should I pay you before or pay you after?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I was talking with Redding the other day and he asked me, "Ron when did people start hating the city of Philadelphia? Was it when Wilson Goode bombed his own city?" and I said, 'No that was probably one of the high points."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While the Mummer's Tune is playing in the background...
Ron: It's so fucking AWFUL to feel hopeful. Like Charlie Brown running towards that fucking football

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ugh, it's just fucking awful. I'd rather just lose 100. Go 59-103 like usual...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about Guns n' Roses' "Chinese Democracy"
ESD: I heard it, it's at good as anything they've ever done before
Ron: That bad, huh?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm definitely....100%...against prostitution with retarded people...

[Arch Stanton]

We all had that older female relative that never got married and had a girlfriend that she took bus trips with.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: We here at the show think Gay Marraige should be kept inside
Fez: No we don't.
Ron: Since when do you get to speak for the show. You are now talking for the two of us?
Fez: Well, my name is on the show

[Arch Stanton]

Remember,God made Adam and Eve, bnot Adam and some guy with a huge cock and hary ballssss.

[Arch Stanton]

It's a slippery slople, what are we gonna have next, a guy marrying a chair?
Fez: It is not a slippery slope

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: There's no reason to feel good, or to have hope. Yet for some reason, there is a feeling of hope floating around. Doom is such a more comfortable feeling

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I believe in two things...the seperation of Church & State, and the seperation of whites & blacks

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You can be hopeful...we're just not going to tell people what we're hopeful about. (to himself)What if they win it? OH GOD! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

[Arch Stanton]

You do know Redding that today is the last day we can celebrate (Phillies) and so we get this. Cues Pennsylvania Polka music.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I would say a prayer right now...but I don't want God to know we even exist for the next seven games

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: My brother's disowned from the family, that's all I'm going to say about that.
Fez: What?!?
Ron: He said something jinxy...so he's out.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What was wrong with that one Fez?
Fez: IT WAS AWFUL!!!
Ron: That's what Dave does.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So "Earl" didn't hear "Fez" call him an N?
Caller: No, he was completely out of earshot
Ron: So why don't you just giggle? Then say, "I know what you mean...and one's trying to move into my neighborhood."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: ...so I'm like, 'No, he's cool! You should hang out with him!'
Ron: You wouldn't know cool if it bit you in the balls

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: I don't care if they're white people, black people, blue people
Ron: There are no blue people. If they're blue, they're dead; leave them alone

[MilkmanDan]

Earl : I hate black guys...
Ron : Me too
Earl : that throw out the N word alot.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron:Earl, have you ever had racial stuff right in your face, like your parents did?
Earl: No
Ron: Not even from OnA, te stuff they said to you?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh look, Earl & Franklyn are dancing. Little do they know that that's a parade they would not be welcomed at

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: I know Fez's secret. He's flying to Taiwan to get a sex change
Ron: If Fez wants to get a sex change and become a man, that's his business
Fez: I'm already a man.
Ron: Prove it

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Any thing you want to say or plug before the end of the show?
Fez: No, nothing
Ron: Cause you know, when I hit this button, it's all over for 21 hours
Fez: Nah, well there was that one...
Ron: (hits the button cutting off Fez mid sentence with, And that's the end of our show...DONK)

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Anthony is a McCain-iac & you are an Obama-nation...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know this song? It's from that movie where Tom Hanks dies of AIDS. At the end of the movie, he's the luckiest person in Philadelphia because he isn't seeing what's going on

[MilkmanDan]

(talking about Phillies loss in the world series game 2)

Ron : Remember Tom Hanks withering away and dying in the film Philadelphia?
Fez : Yeah
Ron : He was the luckiest man in the city.

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks "Earl do you take the N train?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron was discussing seasonal foods and asks Earl "What about you Earl, grape soda this time of year?"

[NortonsHeiny]

From fridays show when Earl was lying about first getting a girl who does not exist pregant, "Can you imagine how slow Earls baby would crawl?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Also from Friday, Ron questions a caller asking him if he was really black. The caller says his mom was white dad was black so he guesses he's a mix Ron tells him "No, your black." He chimes in again that maybe he could say Italian, Ron "No 100 percent black."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Earl "owning" Anthony on Friday, Ron announces "All I can take out of this is that whites are smarter then blacks. Maybe I don't have all the data because I only have Earl, but right now whites are smarter then blacks."

[NortonsHeiny]

On the same one sided fight that Earl thinks he won Dave says Earl keeps going back to the Rope A Dope. Ron says "Just drop the Rope a and go with Dope."

[NortonsHeiny]

Same fight..."He punched himself out with himself."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron sings this song about Earl "Slower to the mic, your're stealing money...Slower to the mic you're never funny."

[NortonsHeiny]

I know all of my recent postings are Earl related but the last segment of the show on Friday was loaded with quality lines.....

Ron asks Earl is he was going to name his imaginary baby George Washington Carver

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl is saying he wishes he had done more for his pretend pregnant girlfriend. Ron asks "Like what put plastic down? Put a pail underneath her?"

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

NO, I don't play Call Of Duty. I'd love to play those things, but once I reached my 13th birthday. I moved on. No, that's really not true. I'll play any sports game there is. I just don't like the 'robbing houses' or 'shooting Nazis' it's like playing Cowboys and Indians to me.. I get a little embarrassed.

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

Caller: It's Ani DiFranco's birthday today.
Ron: Alright, lets play her the birthday song WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO SCARED OF BLACK PEOPLE yeah, and that's never been more true with Obama running

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

You know, if I ever ran into a girl that had been r@ped, I'd say, "Easy, you could be a folk singer. So you've got that working for you."

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

See, a lot of these scary metal guys aren't real scary in real life...You take a Marilyn Manson, he's more Marilyn than he is Manson

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

Jay Mohr: Well, I'll let you get back to your program. Sorry, I brought everything to a screeching halt.
Ron: Well, everyone has a role to play, Jay.

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

I'd be a bad friend to a cutter. I'd edge them on. and then I'd say, "What would cum look like on those cuts."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You ever have those bets in a family when they make bets based on a baby? Like what sex the baby is, how big, and whatnot? Well when it came down to my bet I said 'stillborn.' And when the baby was born stillborn, my Dad came racing at me asking me if I fixed the bet

[TonyBagels]

Ron: You ever have those bets in a family when they make bets based on a baby? Like what sex the baby is, how big, and whatnot? Well when it came down to my bet I said 'stillborn.' And when the baby was born stillborn, my Dad came racing at me asking me if I fixed the bet

tag to the line:

He yelled, "Give me that money back!." So, I through him a few c-notes and I was back in.

[TonyBagels]

(about his brother being kicked out of the family for jinxing the Phils)

I lost a brother this weekend, well from the family. Which, by the way, makes me the number one son...

[TonyBagels]

(about Earl and his debate with Anthony about the Presidential Nominees)

He is the debating version of the Washington Generals.

[TonyBagels]

(about Earl, as the Mummer Strut is playing)

Dave: His feet aren't moving.
Ron: No! His feet are moving perfectly! That's the Mummer Strut. The only problem is he's sober.

[TonyBagels]

(about Smoke on the Water)

This is the slowest song in the history of rock & roll. It's like a slug going across the pavement.

[TonyBagels]

(while Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying was playing)

Oh God Stop!! It sounds like Sarah Palin is having an orgasm.

[NortonsHeiny]

(about Earl, as the Mummer Strut is playing)

Dave: His feet aren't moving.
Ron: No! His feet are moving perfectly! That's the Mummer Strut. The only problem is he's sober.

Right after that Ron tells Earl he is the only one doing the strut correctly. He adds "The problem is Earl if you actually did that down Broadway you'd be shot & killed.."

[NortonsHeiny]

tag to the line:

He yelled, "Give me that money back!." So, I through him a few c-notes and I was back in.

Ron adds that he likes everyone to get a taste in his family. He asks Earl if everyone his family gets a taste. "What's a taste in your family? Everyone gathered around a fried shrimp and a shot of grape soda?"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Hey Earl, why don't I do this.. I'll call the police, they come here, we'll scratch a backwards "A" into your face, and see if we can't have Anthony arrested?"

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: you let him use the word "socialist" today.
Earl: yes, and I thought I countered that very well.
Ron: .. by saying "I'm sorry."

[TonyBagels]

Bud Selig is the worst man in the history of Earth. And this is a planet that had Stalin and Hitler

[Arch Stanton]

Every time Jordan puts on his underwear, he gets a million dollars.

[mikek]

You younger kids might not remember this, but back in the day we had something called 'money'. And you could buy stuff with it. It was the besssst.

[mikek]

As governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin gets her food brought to her 2 times a year, and it's by a guy with a mule. And he talks to it and sometimes kisses it.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: You ever put a piece of sharp cheddar on top of Pumpkin Pie?
Ron: I say put Cheddar on everything.

[FAZ8218]

"There was this guy who gave out razor blades, and he actually hid an apple in one of them and this one kid went home and tried to shave and got apple all over his face.


...and that kid's name was John McCain."

[mikek]

Talking about razors in apples for Halloween:

There was this guy in my neighborhood (I don't want to talk about it... but I will) there was this guy who gave out razors, but would hide an apple in it. So when the kid went home to shave, he'd get apple on his face.

[Arch Stanton]

Don't fucking come in here with a check. What are we, the old fucking west? Come in here with cash. May as well bring in a money order.

[Arch Stanton]

mikeyboy just text me:
Wine tasting, more like cock tasting

[Arch Stanton]

Mooch gets all of his openers from video games. That's why tomorrows opener is the theme from Pacman

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Mooch starts off every show with a videogame song, thats why tommorrow it'll be the PacMan theme.

[Arch Stanton]

About unmasked:
I like to call it Jim Gaffigan gonna make you Laffigan

[Arch Stanton]

I'd like to give out Fez's secret:
You see it was about 4 years ago, and Fez....(Ron hits the And That's The End Of Our Show...Donk button)

[LiddyRules]

*to the Jinxy intern yesterday*

"I want to call you Two-Eye but if you keep putting these calls through, I'm going to gouge your eye out with my thumb."

*On asking the underlings to ask Fez for pre-show meeting*

"Scruffy, you did better than Dave who in his request mentioned Harrison Ford and Pearl Jam.*

[TonyBagels]

(9-24, while discussing influential musicians)

Caller: ...also Neil Peart brought drums to the forefront. Tommy Lee wouldn't have had the spinning drums without Neil Peart.
Ron: So without Neil Peart there wouldn't have been a Tommy Lee? Fuckin' Neil Peart!

[TonyBagels]

(10-23, about Axl Rose, as he's singing Sweet Child)

..listen, someone's squeezing a cat..Reeeeer Reeeeer

[TonyBagels]

(9-24, at end of show)

Caller: Hey, late Ichiban for you. The Ron & Fez Show has made it past 2:50, two days in a row. YAY!!
Ron {very sarcastically}: Yeah, that's the whole reason we do this, to make satellite sound exactly like terrestrial radio. You'll here this on Sirius 197, can't wait.

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

Ron: What's happenin' at the home life. Everything OK? Baby been keeping you up at night?
Dave: Um, she's been irritable these last few nights.
Ron: Maybe she figured out who her dad was. How old's your baby now?
Dave: She's Ah, approaching..she's four months.
Ron: Yeah, Here's my thing: Her first words, write this down too as a radio pyschic. Her first words are gonna be, "Please tell me I'm adopted."

[TonyBagels]

(9-25)

You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to meet one person in Florida that doesn't have a job where they wear a name tag

[FAZ8218]

"That's like me telling a story and calling the characters 'Don and Lez'."

[Arch Stanton]

Inhibiting? You go out and fuck a fat girl, or, you go and punch your wife in the mouth.

[TonyBagels]

10-23

Ron: The only thing that you and I agree on is that we're both against gay marriage. Ah, it's hideous, sick; what are you supposed to do, put your cock in someone else's dick hole? That is sick.
Fez: That's not how it works and that's not how we feel!
Ron: How wide does your dick hole have to be? {to Dave} Your brother's one of them, right?
Dave: Yeah.
Ron: Ask him about that.
Dave: I'll get on the phone with him...
Ron: You know what people hate when you ask them about gay marriage? 'So which one of you's the girl?' They hate that. Fez and I believe that God made an Adam and Eve, not an Adam and Mr. Wide Dick Hole.
Fez: Alright, that's not how it goes. The phrase is: Adam and Steve, 'cause it rhymes with Adam and Eve.
Ron: Thank you, Fez. So you're against Adam and Steve.
Fez: No I'm not against Adam and Steve. There's nothing wrong with Adam and Steve.
Ron: Well, they grab kids and they take them off into the woods.
Fez: No, those are pedophiles.
Ron: Yes! They are! And now we're gonna let them get married? What's next, Adam and Steve? (begins to laugh) I wish there were two guys named Adam and Steve. And they were going, 'What about us? Why can't we get married?' And they were both wearing leaves over their cocks. 'Cause I'll tell you something, and no one brings this up, EVER, but Adam must have had the dick of an infant, because a fuckin' leaf? Please.
Dave: And how'd the leaf even stay on?
Ron: His dick hole was big. He had an extra wide, it acted like suction.

[TonyBagels]

fixed and continued
Caller: Ronnie, the Ichiban...Oregon State beats USC!
Ron: Yeah the Beavers over the Trojans, and how many times have we been through that before...
(cont.) you really think the Trojans are gonna hold up..
Fez: It's an epic battle.
Ron: ..and it doesn't work out for you.

[TonyBagels]

(9-26)

Ron: TV Guide!? Is that still around, I had no idea that now with DVRs and TIVO that no one took the time to TV Guide anymore.
Fez: TV Guide is still around and now it's big, like a regular magazine. It's no longer the little TV GUide that people would get every week.
Ron: Instead of saying TV Guide, does it say Time on the front? 'Cause you may not have a TV Guide

[Sack of Chisels]

missed one from the other day

Fez describes his diabetes, says it's "just bad for circulation" and Ron says "it's really bad for radio when you think about it.."

[Sack of Chisels]

Dave: I swear on the life of my child, my parents, my wife..
Ron: No! Because then you get rid of all your problems in one quick swoop.

[TonyBagels]

(9-26, during Confessions)

Caller:I had a good buddy, who's since committed suicide admit to killing a guy that ***** his sister.
Ron: And what's your point
Caller: I don't know. I feel that that's pretty heavy.
Ron: And you feel you should have went to the cops?
Caller: something
Ron: Eh, do it now. He's already dead. Go in and say, "I know you've got some unsolved crimes. Uh, the dead guy did it."
Caller: Thank you for the insight.
Ron: Yeah, I'm sure some cop would like to take it off the books.
Fez: It's a cold case.
Ron: Like every case in Philadelphia, a cold case. Ever seen this show? Apparently, in Philadelphia, they choose to wait 15-20 years before they solve a crime.No crime gets solved in Philadelphia when it happened. Cause all they got is cold cases down there. And it always starts out, some disco party in 1978, and it ends up with, like a fuckin' 58 yr old man being busted for it. Let it fuckin' dangle now. Who cares!..and most of those cases like that, who cares, someone got murdered. Let it go. You stole money. Let it go. These things aren't important.

[TonyBagels]

(9-26, next call)

Ron: Chad you're on Ron & Fez.
Caller: Hey, I want to make a confession. At the Food Network, I stole a scarf. If I send it in, will you sign it for me.
Ron: YOU MOTHER FUCKER! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT GOD DAMN SCARF! I WENT HOME WITH A COLD NECK! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! This is an important crime. I remember that day, I was fuckin' annoyed shitless. I can't even turn on that fuckin' Food Network, without thinking maybe I'll see one of those pricks with my fuckin' scarf. and I'll fuckin' go down there, to Chelsea Market, and I'll choke 'em to death.

[TonyBagels]

(further on Confessions, Scruffy admits to taking his mother and grandmother's panties)

Scruffy: just that's the only thing I can get my hands on then, right?
Ron: You say, 'right', like I'm your fuckin' therapist. Yeah, I guess you're OK. Personnally, I would have hit you in the neck with a stun gun and wrapped you up so tight so you never meet human beings again. But I guess I'm old fashioned that way

[duggernaut]

Caller: Got an Ichiban for ya', God has forgiven the city of Philadelphia.
Ron: Don't you jinx this. We need to stay low. Right now, things are going ok.

[TreeFortRichard]

10-30 from his story about his uncle and his dad and the Phils...

"tough league to get a hit in..."

great story ron

[TonyBagels]

(to Arch Stanton)

I'm only going to call you George now.

[TonyBagels]

Stephen Baldwin: We've been dropping bombs since the beginning of time.
Ron: I say 'Word to your moms. We came to drop bombs.' That's in the bible.

[Charlie Bats]

Steven Baldwin: "she had a child with downs syndrome"
Ronnie B: "Well, you can't blame her for that"

ROTFLMAO!!!

:clap:

[NortonsHeiny]

From Mondays show, "Everyone talks about Joe six pack. What about Joe eight ball?"

[NortonsHeiny]

After Pepper tells Ron Lillian has left for class, Ron asks him "What class does she have? Hemming?"

[TonyBagels]

(10-2, to blowhard about corporate fans)

Blowhard: To make money you've got to spend it.
Ron: And that's why the seats behind home plate are gonna be twenty five hundred dollars next year.
Blowhard: Well, the way the economy's going, I thin there's gonna be a lot of empty seats next year.
Ron: Don't bet on it, 'cause Wall Street's getting bailed out. And teh first thing that's gonna go to is hookers and Madison Square Garden and Yankee Stadium. And everybody's going to be happy with it.

[TonyBagels]

(10-2, During Old Lilly's Announcement)

Wow! Is there any way you can take Whatley with you?...And any of you folks listening, if you know of a place for Fez, we could you the help.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: I'm Wimbo
Ron: Hey, we're working here. You come in here dressed like an idiot, the only one. Why don't you go get dressed and come back and go to work, we are working here. You have these 45 cent tatoos showing.
When you go home, you can have your Mommy take you trick or treating.
This is a business situation. Dress appropriately.

[Arch Stanton]

Look at those hideous tatoos, you got Wackbag and Lucky boy, for being a kid toucher, what's on your back? (Dave,turns, says Sopranos, the Ron hurls a cowbell)
Dave: OUCH!!! WHY???
Fez: Right between the shoulder blade

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Are you gonna dress up for Halloween?
Fez: Yeah, I'm gonna dress up for the OnA party
Ron: Hey, so know one knows who you are, dress up as a straight guy

[Arch Stanton]

Let's do this Earl. Put a saltwater taffy in your ass and have someone eat it out.

[FAZ8218]

Asking new Lily if Earl really asked her what she was wearing in a phone conversation:
"Would you swear on a wonton... I mean it, would you swear right now on a take out menu?"

[FAZ8218]

About new Lily:
"This girl is like a step-niece to me."

[Mobo]

10/31/08

"Pepper...call one of your junkie friends and get me some junk."

[LiddyRules]

*On The Phillies Win*

"And it was a really great thing for me, for the main reason, to have a guy whose 83 years old to say to you 'that was a really good year.' I would really hope for everybody that you could say say to yourself when you're 83 years old 'that was a really good year.' And I would hope for anybody listening too to have your dad still with you at 83 years old and have him say that was a really good year. And my Uncle Bill was right, it's a tough league to get a hit in but every once in awhile you get ahold of the ball and fucking ride it out."

[dilznick101]

*Speaking about Sarah Palin's pro life beliefs*


Stephen Baldwin: She gave birth to a DOWN'S SYNDROME BABY!

Ron: Yeah, but you can't blame that on her.




(this got nothing from stephen baldwin but i was laughing hysterically.)

[Sack of Chisels]

on polls..

If anybody asks me anything on the street I always say "fuck your mother"- that's who I'm voting for.. and for vice president? "Fuck your mother in the ass!"- put that down!

[duggernaut]

Ron: Earl, why don't you go back to Africa, back to Niger?
Earl: I don't think so.
Ron: Yeah, head on back to Niger-town. I'll give you some money, you'll be Niger-rich.

[Sack of Chisels]

"She's now telling me to wear a dead man's leather pants... Let me tell explain something, you have to be so young and gifted to get away with wearing leather pants. On the final two albums, even Jim Morrison didn't wear leather pants, and he was in his mid 20's."

[FAZ8218]

To new Lily:
"Why can't you say 'Mom I want a phone, I wanna talk to white boys'?"

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday)

Dave is not the guy that knows music. He likes Pearl Jam & Guns 'n Roses. He grew up on Jersey Rock.

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday, about the Catholic church's stance on abortion)

Old men that don't fuck deciding what young girls can do with their bodies. Shut the fuck up!

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday)

When I go to vote, I go in behind the curtain, pull my pants down, and crouch down. 'Sir! Sir! That's not a bathroom!'..and I always say, "Someone's in here!"

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday, when the Oreo color debate came back up)

We actually asked the company, and they said, 'they are both brown and black'. This is a company that does not take a stand. And that's why I jumped to Hydrox!

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday, college football discussion)

Ron: Let me tell you, I went to Penn State for 4 years.
Caller: You did!?!
Ron: Aw wait, I went to State Penn. I get it confused.

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday, about racial slurs)

In Philly, we used to call the Italian Kids Spaghetti N's

[TonyBagels]

(10-3, with a Canadian caller)

Ron: alright Johnny, keep us up to date with what Canada's saying.
Caller: I love you Ronnie. You kick ass.
Ron: I appreciate that. I appreciate what you're saying. and hopefully, some day I'll be able to revisit Canada, the way I've always dreamed. 'Cause now, it's legal up there, so what's the big deal? NOt everybody likes to wait around to see how the case is gonna come out. Some people think, 'You know what, let's just get out of here. Let me get out of here before I have to sit and listen about who's right and who's wrong.' I'd rather just leave.

[Charlie Bats]

10/3

"Earl, you're so black you should have fuckin' stars"

[TonyBagels]

It is Election Day, and we urge you to please..not go out and vote. We've read your emails and don't think you're smart enough

[duggernaut]

Ron:The bitch is back, that should be the name of your tour.
Larry:Yeah, I would love to get out there, taking it to the streets.
Ron: Doobie Brothers.

No hesitation for Ronny. I just burst out laughing at work with headphones on.

[TonyBagels]

(after interview with a man who claims he gave oral pleasures to Barak Obama)

Ron (I'm paraphrasing): Earl, what'd you think of that story.
Earl: That's the biggest pile of shit. There's no way..
Ron: You think Obama blew him too?

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Can I play the devil's advocate now.
Interviewee: Sure
Ron {demonic voice}: I'm the devil. Vote for McCain

[TonyBagels]

Ron: I'm a big movie fan.
Interviewee: Well, I'm a Christian.
Ron: ever hear that song, Sister Christian?

[TonyBagels]

Interviewee: We should ask to see Obama's birth certificate.
Ron: I wouldn't be surprised if he had hooves on his feet.

[TonyBagels]

Ron (to Earl): Don't know that movie.
Dave: He knows about Living Color.
Ron: Coloreds

[TonyBagels]

(paraphrasing)

If Obama has an occult from Oprah. Maybe John McCain can get a Martha Stewart on his side.

[TonyBagels]

(to Christian interviewee who claims that there is occult movement, started by Oprah, in Kenya, to get Obama elected) {paraphrasing}

Ron: Talking about the occult, would you say, that there was a dead Jew who came back to life?
Interviewee: Oh, no.


this f'in interview had me rolling. Ron can toy with the simple minded with such humor. He's amazing!

[TonyBagels]

(10-3)

What happened to Old Lilly? Miss her.

[TonyBagels]

(10-3)

Fez: I don't know if I could ever say the words to somebody, 'You know what, I don't want to be around you.
Ron: Good news. I'll tell you how to get them to say those words.
Fez: That would be comforting.
Ron: Yes! It's easy! And then you act like: I don't know why you're leaving. And then you secretly smile to yourself and then rip their numbers out of phone books.

[TonyBagels]

(10-3, about cheating)

Ron: Let's suppose your wife's a fantastic cook. You never want to go out somewhere else once in a while? You never want to go to a restaurant?
Lilly: Yeah, but what if she's fillet mignon? Why would you want to go out and get a fucking greasy cheeseburger? You're not gonna get better than a medium rare fillet mignon.
Ron: That's true, but we don't sit around every day eating lobster every fuckin' day.
Irish Alkey: I don't like White Castle but I'll eat it.
Ron: Somedays I want a bowl of cereal. Believe or not, just a bowl of cereal. I'm not looking for a beautiful meal.

[TonyBagels]

(as Kentucky goes Red)

Earl, start packing

[TonyBagels]

In my opinion , once Obama wins, Earl becomes the 'MAN'

[Sack of Chisels]

"This will be the first black president in world history where machetes weren't involved, so that's history"

[Arch Stanton]

I tell you this, if McCain wins I'm takin' a cab home. No way I'm walking, that's for sure.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, this is nerve racking. I am watching this Election, worrying about Earl.

OK, we are calling it for McCain. Go to an OnA replay. Get a cab and we are going to the airport. I know you are afraid to fly, but I know of no faster way to get to Africa.

[Arch Stanton]

Is it time to make a pitching change? Time to put Biden on top?

Obama just fell behind Bob Barr.

[TonyBagels]

Barak Obama just fell behind Bob Barr. Things are not going the way they expected.

[Arch Stanton]

You know Frankln sounds like a black woman when he gets mad:

David Jo had a BBQ and didn't let me know about it?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I can't keep this neighborhood white! The houses are going for $12,000 black people are going to move in here!

[Arch Stanton]

He Fez, BTW, don't you like being on at nights better?

[TonyBagels]

You know when I think about the show, Earl? When I'm coming up the elevator. and if someone hits one of the earlier floors, I say, 'The song's gonna have to play all of the way through.'

[Arch Stanton]

The Executive Producer will be going to Kenya after the Election.

[TonyBagels]

More Bad News: It's the Ron & Fez Show

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Hey, the black turn out was high, but they didn't know they had to register, and they didn't know who John Biden was.
Ron; You fuckin' idiot. It's Joe Biden. You fucked a great joke. The not registering was a hilarious line, you competely fucked up the whole thing. ( rest of guys, completely silent)

[Arch Stanton]

I told ya that PA was the Keystone State and if it goes, we crumble down to New Mexico.

[Arch Stanton]

I have it from a good source there is an Anti-Christ, and his name is Obama

[Arch Stanton]

To CAller:
Voted for John McCain only to get Earl off the show?

[Arch Stanton]

Black people when in a white neighborhood when they see each other point at each other and mumble Obama.

[Arch Stanton]

I was surprised that God killed a 7 year old and is now burning his soul.

[Arch Stanton]

I went to the Electoral College and dropped out after a year in a half.

[Arch Stanton]

Georgia will be going to Obama, home of Atlanta, or fat lanta or hot lanta.

[FAZ8218]

I went to the Electoral College and dropped out after a year in a half.
...and I started getting into acid."

[FAZ8218]

To caller from Alabama:
"I want you to write a book called: Pain killers and illegitimate children"

[Arch Stanton]

I'm going to send you a book, Pain killers and Childbirth.

[Arch Stanton]

OK, Electoral College has it at Obama 103 and McCain 73

I'm calling it for McCain right now

[OnANorton]

Never use the Buffalo Bills as a way to victory.

[TonyBagels]

I don't know about TV where they talk over each other at all times, while here, no one talks, except me.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron to caller, a truck driver in Chicago: After the election, I'm gonna put CNN on and watch you get dragged out of a truck.
Caller: I'm gonna have a Ron and Fez sign
Ron: That's perfect!

[Arch Stanton]

Dave, you have an amplified microphone, why are you screaming when you talk. Is it the glass between us?
Dave: It's the glass. I'll tone it down
Ron: That's too low now....

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, If you had to choose noe, Black people lazy or shifty, and you can't pick both
Earl; I'll pick shifty

[Arch Stanton]

There's been many sandwiches eaten durin the show, that doesn't mean there aren't any more. I also understand there is a very cold banana Cream Pie

[Arch Stanton]

To Caller: There is a hot selling book now, Pain killers and Illegimate Children I want you to pick up.

16 years is not enough, you guys in South Carolina need to change it to if your old enough to pee, she's old enough for me.

You guys in South Carolina are lucky we didn't have nukes in the Civil War

[TonyBagels]

(to Earl)
You know what, in the Civil War, you're so lucky we didn't have nukes. The one good thing about doing a late show, you won't get a sober call from the South

[Arch Stanton]

As Fez calls it...Erection Day

[TonyBagels]

(about Anthony)

That man will sleep with them as high as 20! We're gonna break here, Fezzie. When we come back, I'm gonna have finished a sandwich.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller from Tennessee: You know how crazy that guy is that called from South Carolina is Voting on lowering the banging age.
Ron: Sir, that is a myth, that guy will bang chicks to age 20

We're gonna break here, get some sandwich....Ron and Fez

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: Rhode Island came in..
Ron: They're allowed to vote?!

[TonyBagels]

(to Virginia, caller from Oregon)

we don't but we have...fuck I couldn't type fast enough

[TonyBagels]

(about Fez's mom)

She actually said, "ALL MY BOYS ARE STRAIGHT! JUST TWO OF THEM HAVEN'T GOT MARRIED YET!!! tHAT'S ALL!!!"

[Arch Stanton]

As Fez's Mother in the Voting Booth: Screams) All my boys are straight! All my boys are straight!! Just because my boys aren't married doesn't mean they are not straight.

[TonyBagels]

Can you imagine a stranger thing last year, The Philadelphia Phillies win the World Series and a black man wins the Presidency.

[Arch Stanton]

Hey can you imagine saying last year that Philly won the World Series and Obama is President.

[TonyBagels]

DAve Production:McCain drops keep falling on my head
Ron: Wow that was stupid

[Arch Stanton]

This just in from Florida, they took a woman from a polling place yelling:

All my sons are straight!!! All my sons are straight!!!

[TonyBagels]

Anthony(to Earl): I can't wait for the reality to sink in when you realize he's just another..politician.
Ron: Oh, I'm so glad you said politican

[Arch Stanton]

By The Way, Thank God we're on an XL Channel

[TonyBagels]

(to his teachers)

"If you give me an F, I'll Columbine this place." Which was weird 'cause it was like 30 years before Columbine.

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez: You Can't eat on air, you'll throw up. It's like doing a show with a Junior High Girl.

OK, You can eat now.

[TonyBagels]

(about Obama being elected)

Engineer:joy, ecstasy
Ron: well I just took ecstasy...

[bigtobacco]

Fez: Jesse Jackson was just on MSNBC crying...
Ron: Well, he was eating onions, so that that doesn't count.

[Sack of Chisels]

"Somebody from Minnesota told me they got fucked in an ice fishing shack, and I said I can't tell you how different my life is from yours"

[Sack of Chisels]

"I really wish [Joe Biden] would have had a Phillies cap on, he really let me down there"

[TonyBagels]

(10-6, after eulogizes his grandmother)

Dave: ...just fuckin' Rock N Roll. Rock N Roll in Heaven.
Ron: Uh, you have brothers right.
Dave: 3 older brothers
Ron: Let them do the eulogy. You're eulogy was the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life.

[TonyBagels]

(10-6, while discussing Dave's grandmother)

I just thought of something, Fez. You're grandmother's still under all that dirt.

[TonyBagels]

(10-6)
You're gonna take off Thursday and Friday for you're grandmother's funeral, right? Alright, you're gonna get some flowers that say 'Fez'. I want you to take a marker and write 'Ron' above that and then a nice 'and'.

[TonyBagels]

(10-6, during Dave's grandmother discussion)

Ron: This might make you feel better. We'll go down there this afternoon. we'll take a car, I don't want you to have to go back on a bus, like an animal. And then I'm gonna perform an autopsy.
Dave: I don't think that's necessary.
Ron: You don't think I can do it. Is the fuckin' problem.
Dave: YOu're not qualified...
Ron: YET!
Dave: Don't take this the wrong way, but I think your intentions are a little askewed. She was not murdered.
Ron: We don't know that.
Fez: Don't listen to him, Ronnie. He's just grief stricken
Ron: I know. What if I got in there and found a bullet or knife or something like that, I'd be a hero.

[TonyBagels]

(10-6)

Dave: You lied. Just like your autopsy.
Ron: You know something, maybe I don't have the fuckin' credentials, but my hand to God, I know I can do an autopsy, if you'll just let me prove myself.
Dave: Not possible.
Ron: I just don't have the schooling, but I know how to open up somebody and dig around.

[TonyBagels]

(10-6)

Dave: She loved that I worked in radio. She was the only one that listened to that God awful thing I did on 95.1.
Ron: That could have killed her. That might even turn up in the autopsy.

[TonyBagels]

(10-6)

Dave (paraphrasing): But two weeks later after she bought my that shuttle the thing blew up. But she was the best, man.
Ron: Not for NASA.

[TonyBagels]

(10-6)

Ron: You know what I'm gonna do, I'm might cremate your grandmother.
Dave: She doesn't want to be cremated.
Ron: Well, then she can tell me.
Dave: She'd deceased. She just died!
Ron: Allegedly. WAIT TILL AFTER THE AUTOPSY!

[LastDeadMouse]

Ron: Earl, are you hoping that the first thing Obama does is abolish slavery?
Earl: They already abolished slavery.
Ron: I better call my dad. MOVE 'EM INTO THE GARAGE!

[Sack of Chisels]

"Normally as a parent you're proud if your kid just doesn't go to jail-- look it, pulled it off!"

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: I'll eventually talk to [my mother] in my own good time.
Ron: what, over a grave stone?

[Arch Stanton]

That Chocolate News show is so bad that I'm embarrarssed to be black

[Arch Stanton]

Now if your not familiar with the childrens cartoon South Park, Fez, It's like The Flintstones, but without the wit.

[MilkmanDan]

Hey Earl its a big day for you because gays cant marry in California, but now Blacks can !

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Kids...are a boner killer. I hate that..unlike you Fez
Fez: I couldn't wait for Colin Alkey to show up!
Ron: You sick fuck.

[MilkmanDan]

Cursing is like your first joint as a kid, you just couldnt wait to get outside with your friends and say shit, asshole, you fucking shithead, etc

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron to Fez)
Ron : Your mom told you your dick is called "the disgusting pump"
Fez : devil stick

[jackjack]

Ron to Dave: 'You really don't have the basis to be a hypocrite.'

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I can't even prove that you're human
Fez: Yes you can!! You can too prove that I'm human
Ron: You look like a gray furball in a bad shirt!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I say that anything will be okay for your kids aside from College!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Hentai is the only cartoon stuff that I enjoy. All the others blow...and Hentai just blows, which is nice

[Arch Stanton]

(Throws razors)
Fez: OWW OWWW Why???
Ron: I get e-mails, people say why don't you throw razors anymore.

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron to Dave)
You've got that little dick of yours out wiggling 4 days a week. "Look O&A Love me ! I'll shit and eat it ! I'll piss and drink it ! "

[TallBaby]

I like his point of view. You guys are awful.

[krisko]

talking about Barb
Dave: She's got a finger in every pot.
Ron: I don't know what that means, but I suddenly want to be a pot.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about Nazi sayings...
Ron: Go, go Goebbles, watch him go, go, go!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Why is it that black people can dance so much better than whites? Is it the tails?
Earl: We don't have tails!
Ron: You don't?!? I gotta call my dad, he's been lying to me

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after "Lillian Red"....

Ron: Ret it be known!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Let me tell you, I have :rap:d women and they've left with more dignity than Lillian has right now. Ret it be known

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You made me miss board gossip, that's how fucking horrible that was

[MrBlonde]

Ron Bennington is a fuckin genius. And I'm especially happy that both he and Fez are against gay marriage and adoption. "Gay people are kid touchin freaks"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: This is the playoffs! you should be shitting yourself, you should be dry heaving

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Why was that bus on fire? Because I start fires, that's my thing

[KNUCKLEUP]

Obama Trivia:

What is Barack Obama's favorite food?

Fez: "I'll say Spam. Because he's from Hawaii."
Earl: "Macaroni and Cheese."
Ronnie: "Fried Chicken, Watermelon, and a Grape Soda."

What is Barack Obama's favorite drink?

Ronnie: "Schlitz Malt Liquor."

Favorite films?

Ronnie: Friday and Next Friday. And third, House Party.

[Arch Stanton]

When I go through a toll booth, I hold up a dead EZ-Pass, and I don't care, because I am usually driving a stolen car. I usually go out at night.
I got my own problems.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Let me run over to the other side of the net and hit it back to me cause I set you guys up ....Veterans day is for living......."

[mongothetrucker]

"Franklyn crying makes me want to put cannons off Key West..."

[krisko]

Fez: Assault weapons kill people, gay marriage isn't going to kill people
Ron: Uhh...remember the 80s?

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : I got married at 20, wife was 19, so I'll still be able to do all that fun stuff when she goes off to college and I'm 38
Ron : Like Coke

[TonyBagels]

Ron: as you know, I froze my sperm.
Fez: Really!?
Ron: Yeah, and next July I'm gonna take it out and throw it at kids

[TonyBagels]

(INtroducing Arch)

Ron: Hey, it's our good friend, George the Singer. What's up George?
Arch: If a gay marriage breaks up, how would t get settled in court?
Ron: If I was the judge, I'd never stop throwing up.

[StonerJack]

Arch: If there are 2 guys in divorce court, and your the judge, what do you do?

Ron: If it's me?..........Never stop throwing up.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Children don't always want to take after their parents
Ron: Then why did I do coke & run around with hookers?

[MilkmanDan]

If a woman tells me I want to be with another woman, I'm like good. You're both getting fucked. Then I lock the door

[TonyBagels]

Right after that Ron tells Earl he is the only one doing the strut correctly. He adds "The problem is Earl if you actually did that down Broadway you'd be shot & killed.."

just before


Ron: Earl's the only one that's got it. Fez, your's is good if your surrendering to the Nazis

[TonyBagels]

10-27

Ron: Dave, Dave you're on the Ron & Fez Show.
Caller: Yeah Earl got his ass handed to him by Anthony.
Ron: Yeah two days running now, Earl the debater. There's Joe the Plumber and now Earl the Debater. Ah, after he was done, uh, Michelle Obama actually flipped and now she's voting for McCain. Earl, I know you believe in Obama.
Earl: Absolutely, I Bel...
Ron: You help, by hiding.

[TonyBagels]

10-26, after a Earl-Ant debate

Earl: I still asked for the 40 acres and a mule
Ron: How 'bout I give you 40 RC's {cola} and my mule.

[TonyBagels]

(talking about Phillies loss in the world series game 2)

Ron : Remember Tom Hanks withering away and dying in the film Philadelphia?
Fez : Yeah
Ron : He was the luckiest man in the city.

just later on (while on with Blowhard):

Tom Hanks! Tom Hanks in that Philadelphia movie. And you know what, uh, uh, killed him in that movie. I don't wanna ruin this, it was wonderful movie, but he died. He died from a lack of clutch hitting.

[krisko]

Caller: BBW card holder number 2

Ron: urrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Sometimes I'll pick the phone up and just say, "Dumb cliche, Fez. Dumb cliche." And you'll feel better

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Tell me the truth, when you talk to that shrink of yours, do you ever bring me up?
Fez: Yes
Ron: Throws cowbell at Fez
Fez: OwOWWW Why the Cowbell
Ron: Just say some guy, don't use my name.

[Arch Stanton]

Why should you be less anxious in life to fix yourself then to fix your toilet?

[Arch Stanton]

I met some of those guys from EndHate.com and I Hate Them...Hate Them

[Arch Stanton]

You know what the worst thing was to happen to this Country? Obama..Obama...
Bans Smoking, Gays can't get married

[Arch Stanton]

(Elvis Blue Hawaii playing)
You know what My Dad would say when an Elvis song would come on? He was the King. The King. This guy could sing.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Fez, where do you go....Friendsofdorothy.com?
Fez: No...they come to me

[RMPGP]

From April 28, 2004:

"OK Joan Cussack is the ugly brother of the Cussack family"

[RMPGP]

From April 28, 2004:

"Eric Roberts: His movies release at 2 o'clock in the morning on showtime"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Bi is halfway to fun for Fez

[Arch Stanton]

I'm not gonna talk about the meeting yesterday, but I can't stand the staff

[Arch Stanton]

Why would you and Pepper turn on each other in front of Management.

Davey Mac starts screaming that he is the contact for Sleeves like Sleeves is some kind of maniac.

[Arch Stanton]

The thing that was most hurtful is Momma Whatley giving me the look of what are we gonna do about this.

[MilkmanDan]

Yesterdays meeting I felt like I was in the 40's or something with people going up to the mountains talking to toothless hillbillies