Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
Your shoe closet, that's where you keep Shoemaker and stay up all night with him.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Instead of saying "Don't lay with another man" just say kneel in front of him

[chad5770]

S Twins...

"Promo pic is you too hanging with your nuts out of your pants"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Sam: I have a gender...
Ron: Don't give it away, that'll be your first contest

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
Why don't you write a book Life according to Buffalo Back?

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : I want to know what Dave is gonna do for the 2 hours 50 minutes of that show after Dave drinks his piss?
Ron : Sip it, just drag it out. "Oh look hes got the piss again"

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: There's gonna be a Gay Super Hero show on Showtime
Ron: Yeah, we already have a Gay super hero...Batman, Spiderman, the Hawk and anyone who reads them.
Fez: Well, we're gonna have gays represented in Comic books.
Ron: They have been, all along

[Arch Stanton]

Are they gonna show anything? Like going down on each other?

[MilkmanDan]

(on the Angelfuck girls dressing scantily in winter)

Ron : They always told me they love it, it makes their nipples pop.
Fez : They said that to you !?!!
Ron : Sometimes I hear voices.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ya know, that JFK...he was a pretty good President!
Ron: Yeah, they don't really say that all that often. Good President; not so good at ducking

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Could you possibly imagine being that cat? Of all the houses to be taken into...a bearded lady, Buffalo Back? I feel sorry for it. Ya know what, today's Beanie Cup is going to that cat

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You sure it isn't chemical?
Fez: It isn't chemical. I've done the pills
Ron: <sigh> I just want to put you down. Take you out for a nice ride and pop, pop; put two in the back of your head

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You remember how upset he was down in Washington?
Kiesha: Yeah.
Ron: Well I just found up why he's been hurting himself for the last 5 years
Kiesha: What is it?!
Ron: I'm sworn to secrecy
Kiesha: I'm a Cosmo Girl, we're good with secrets. What is it?
Ron: It's only the most obvious secret to all of mankind. It was a secret to no one, but Fez, apparently.

[Govt_Property]

Ron: "Would you just get a tattoo that says 'Goodbye Horses'?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(on listening to the Skippy Show instead of the Sam & Dave Show)
Ron: I'd rather listen to that. 3 hours of dead air vs. 3 hours of what you wish was dead air

[duggernaut]

Fez: I'll put the Skippy show up against the Special Delivery show any day of the week.
Ron: I'll take that bet. I'll take that fucking bet. 3 hours of dead air versus 3 hours of what you wish was dead air.

Dammit Jimmy. Beat me to it.

Consultation line...
Regarding Skippy not actually existing...

Ron: I'll bet you stand around your apartment taking to fucking air.

[BIV]

Over 6000 posts on Wackbag's Line of the Day thread, and Ronfez.net is just fucking lazy.

[gopackjo]

From Thursday, November 13:
Joe the Caller: Fez, there's two ways to keep the cat out of your trash for sure. First way is to take urine and rub it around the top of the trash can, and it marks the territory... he won't go in. The next way, as soon as he does it grab him and lift his tail up and blow in his butt real quick. And he'll never do it again.

Ron: So piss all over your trash can, and then give him a rim job if he doesn't listen to ya.

[MilkmanDan]

(After entire studio teases fez)

Fez : Oh you're all showing your asses now !
Ron : If we did that you'd try to fuck us !

[dilznick101]

After Ron's daughter introduced Fez as "my dad's partner" at her christmas play:



I had to stand up in front of all these kids at a christmas program and say "Listen... I'm with chicks. ...and, believe me: I get it done. Ok, kids, go back to your play."

[dilznick101]

Ron: "Would you just get a tattoo that says 'Goodbye Horses'?"

oh, man. i missed that. that's hyterical

[NortonsHeiny]

On Fezs' Batman figurine gifts "Hey that's great Fez, you can take them into the tub with you or down the slide."

[TonyBagels]

(11-7, to Fez about his shirt)

What is it, Happy Hour at the Luau Bar? What's with his shirt?!

[TonyBagels]

(11-7)

Ron: You're a bible guy yourself, right?
Fez: Umm, I mean I grew up Christian, yes.
Ron: Thank you. So you know the story of Adam and Eve, not Adam and 'Big Hairy Ball Sack Alright Now Its My Turn To Fuck You In The Ass'.
Fez: Alright, it would be Adam and Steve. That's the way the saying goes.
Ron: Steve? That's not a biblical name.
Fez: Neither is Hairy Ball Sack.

[TonyBagels]

(11-7)

Ron: Big John You're on Ron & Fez.
Caller: Hey Buddays. How are you guys doing today.
Ron: Good.
Caller: What about procreation? Where's that come into gay marriage? Isn't that what the basis of marriage is supposed to be, to have kids and procreate the Earth?
Ron: Alright, so hold on a second. So what about two people in their sixties, they can't get married? They're not gonna procreate. Or if some woman can't have a baby, or a man can't have a baby, they shouldn't be able to get married?
Caller: No, no it's nature. nature
Ron: How's that nature, I just told you it's not for procreation. {click as Caller hangs up} Now he hung up. [Ron as Caller] 'Wait, you had another thought. My church just said something, so I called and repeated it, but I never thought there was another point.

[TonyBagels]

11-7

People only see persecution, when it happens to them.

[TonyBagels]

11-7

Ron: Why can't everyone just let the other people live. Why do we have to constantly use whatever dogma you fuckin' grew up with to turn around and deny other people. That's exactly why you preach about slavery, Earl, and how terrible you people had it. You were not considered human beings. And what you're telling these gay people is that they're not human beings. That's exactly what you're saying.
Earl: I don't see it that way. The issue came up on a vote and the public spoke.
Ron: Yes, guess what: the public spoke in Alabama. They didn't want you fuckin' people in their public schools. Lynden Johnson rode some fuckin' tanks in. Those people, if they had a vote tomorrow in Southern states, you think they would give you the full fuckin' voting right, if they had an opportunity? Take a fuckin' guess.
Earl: Probably not, no.
Ron: So that's what you're for now? Each state, each community coming up with you can treat other Americans any way that that fuckin' community feels fit? I'm ashamed of you, Earl. You know what you've become? You've become a white man. In three fuckin' days, you became a white man!

[TonyBagels]

11-7

Ron: Napolean. I'm gonna call you Napolean, for now on. Napolean the pig. You know why I call you Napolean Earl?
Earl: why?
Ron: Read another book, other than the bible. A little book called Animal Farm by George Orwell. You may not like it.

[TonyBagels]

11-7

Ron: Can I ask you a question? When your mom was pregnant with you, did she smoke?
Dave: Yeah she did. She had a couple of packs of Pall Mall.
Ron: 'Cause that's why I think you got that Rocky Dennis look.

[TonyBagels]

11-7

Let's talk to someone that knows something about pants...it's our own Hard Rock Johnny.

[TonyBagels]

11-7, about Phish having image gimmicks

Still doesn't cover up the fact that their music blows. Visually, we're trying to make you forget about our horrible music.

[TonyBagels]

11-7

Caller: Ugliest band alive, Poison. Those girls just had broad shoulders, man.
Fez: I disagree. Maybe you can throw CC Deville in there.
Ron: Yeah, he's frightening. And then he even talks like Bobcat Goldwaith to make it even worse. When they first came out I thought, 'Goldwaith started a fuckin' band? You gotta be kidding me.' {Poison starts playing} Oh God, this is the worst music ever.

[TonyBagels]

11-7, to New Lilly after 4 bits with ESD

Why don't you do this: You're next bit you're gonna do, why don't you build a railroad across America.

[TonyBagels]

11-7, to New Lilly after 4 bits with ESD

Crazy Jen: Davey, don't you like the show? Why you do that to Ronnie? Wasn't Ronnie good to you?
Ron: That is really true! She has a really good point? Haven't I been good to you? Why would you come in here like that, today? Why wouldn't you come in here, throw shit, drink piss, and make people laugh?

[TonyBagels]

11-7

Ron: You only do the good stuff for O&A. You won't give us any of the gold.
Dave: That's not true.
Ron: What did you do for them last Friday?
Dave: I don't recall.
Ron: You drank your piss, on stage. For us, you bring in Lillian and piss down our throats.

[TonyBagels]

11-7, during an AJ Dynamite appearance

Fezzie, when are you gonna come back?

[TonyBagels]

11-7, about Special Delivery: With Sam & Dave

Dave: Everyone out there will not be upset, unless they're Dave haters.
Ron: Unless they're with Wackbag.

[TonyBagels]

11-6

Caller: NFL Ichiban for you Ronnie.
Ron: What've you got?
Caller: Brady Quinn will make his NFL debut for the Cleveland Browns, hoping to turn around a shitty, disappointing season.
Ron: How can it be shitty and disappointing when you're in Cleveland. That'd be like saying 'I can't believe it's raining.' in England

[TonyBagels]

11-6

Ron: Let's go to Beverly. Beverly, are you there?
Caller, with Southern drawl: I'd like to talk about Obama.
Ron: Where're you callin' from?
Caller: Tennessee.
Ron: Aww, this should be good.

[TonyBagels]

11-6, same caller

Beverly: I also want to talk about the Tennessee Titans.
Ron: Now, those are black people we like!

[TonyBagels]

11-6, same caller

Caller: The blacks and the Mexicans stick together.
Ron: Yeah, they do. Like in the band War, they had Mexicans and blacks together. But then again, they're low riders, so what do they know.

[TonyBagels]

11-6, still the same caller

Caller: hahahaha, Tennessee
Ron: OK baby. (whispering) Moonshine. (regular voice) Bye, Say hi to Granny, and Jethro, and Elly Mae, and the whole gang.
Caller: The Clampetts
Ron: She gets every reference. Fez just looks at me like a dog seeing a card trick.

[TonyBagels]

11-6

Ron: Come on in here Mars. How did Hispanics let this happen, let blacks jump over them?
Mars: Personally, I didn't vote for Obama.
Ron: Who'd you vote for, Raul Julia?

[TonyBagels]

11-6

Ron: Do you know that there are more Puerto Ricans in New York, at the Puerto Rican Day Parade, then there are in Puerto Rico.
Mars: Yes, that's true.
Ron: If it wasn't for us, that island would be like a mosh pit.

[TonyBagels]

(after Earl gives Ron bum info)

What's with you Earl. With all of the slashes around here, how do you miss it? With all the cuts hitting the streets, how do you make it through?

[TonyBagels]

Dave: I'll get Arch on the line now!
Ron: Well, he likes to be called George the singer

[TonyBagels]

I feel like I got my second wind when I see Fez cry

[TonyBagels]

(about Wackbag)

Aww, they're good guys. I love how much they hate Dave

[TonyBagels]

If you feel like you have a brain tumor and you're dying, just listen to Crazed sing. It'll feel like it'll last forever

[bigbill]

(during Gremlins discussion)

Dave: Don't feed them chicken. They love chicken.
Ron: You're thinking of the Watts riots

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Dave, your still wearing the same sweatshirt.
Dave: Giants Win
Ron: OK, what's under it
Dave: You don't need to see it.
Ron: Oh man, it's the same shirt
Dave: It goes so well with the Sweatshirt

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave being with an escort)

Dave: I had a real bad streak at that time.
Ron: You had a bad streak up until Casey. I saw that last girl you had.

[Arch Stanton]

Discussing everyone is on some pill

Caller from LA: I've been waiting a long time...I...bu...heh...(phone breaks up)
Ron: (Angrilly) Why don't you get some pills for your phone!!!!!

[Arch Stanton]

Ron:Fuckin' crazy pussy is like fuckin' a baby deer. You shoot the deer and you say, I better fuck it. Then you have hooves, limbs flying everywhere.
Dave: Yeah, you get ass sex, anything goes.
Ron: Exactly. Untill someone sees you fucking a baby deer

[Arch Stanton]

How is it normal to take a kid, basically sedate him like he is gonna get operated on and say, oh, now he is normal.

[Arch Stanton]

On Medicine? Moses was walking around like a crazy person, no medicine back then.

To Caller: What have you done to find out what is making you crazy, except being on medicine.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, I haven't heard a word from you in 45
Fez: I'm locked up.
Ron: Is it this discussion?
Fez: Well, yeah. I've been on pill to another pill and nothing is working.

[TonyBagels]

Caller: Hey guys. I'm an over-the-road truck driver and I wanted to call and let you know that you guys are bad ass.
Ron: Yeah we are.

[TonyBagels]

11-6

Dave (paraphrasing): I couldn't go over to my friends house, because I was paranoid of his blind mother's super hearing.
Ron: He had a blind mother?
Dave: yeah
Ron: I had a friend, of mine growing up, he had a blind melon. And uh, he would be upset if there was no rain. all he would do was read a book or two. and something about his point of view, 'cause he's insane. {blind melon starts playing} There we go. {three notes go by} Alright now stop. That's all I can put up of that song. and then I just click off or I feel like I'm listening to, no offense, K-Rock.

[TonyBagels]

11-6, while discussing Yatzee

I'm gonna agree with Fez, I think you'd just play it on a kitchen counter. Or you can even play in the car, right? You're in the backseat trying to play Yatzee back there. Andthen my dad would fuckin' hate anything of rattle. Anyth..You know what my dad hated? Children's noises. Any fucki..you know he wanted to take these long car trips, where we sat quietly, right? with our feet on a fuckin' cooler filled with beer and sandwiches for him. I never got to sit with my feet fuckin' down on the floor any vacation! And he would hand me back an empty. He wouldn't even say, 'Hand me another beer.' He would just hand me an empty, and I gotta be back there towelin' off a fuckin' beer, opening it up, you know..for safety reasons! 'Cause he can't be doin' this, while he's drinking and driving. The last thing he should be doin' is fuckin' openin' a beer.

[TonyBagels]

11-6

A gay guy is the only man, other than an athlete, who watches his weight. I will say this: You know he's gay, if he sits down for the meal and orders a salad. And then he'll say this:{gay voice} 'small salad please'. I don't know what it is. I don't know if cock ruins your taste buds. You'll never hear a gay guy say, 'You know what, give me two steaks! I'm really starvin'!' Gay guys are never starvin'

[TonyBagels]

11-6

I'm walking down the street, smoking one of these Romeo & Juliets that my doctor gave me, Doctor Steve. He honestly believes that I should be smoking all the time. I gotta disagree with him. I'm a little nervous about it. But what are you gonna do, you gotta listen to your doctor.

[TonyBagels]

11-6

With that shirt, Fezzie, you would either be gay or my mom's wallpaper from the 70's, the kitchen wallpaper. Everytime you wear that shirt, I feel like: Oh, I hope we get pancakes today.

[TonyBagels]

11-6, just later, to Fezzie

What's your take on this, Gay Shirt?

[TonyBagels]

11-6

Fez: ...I'm disgusted by the human body.
Ron: Which is sad, since you're a human being. And I'm just gonna say that loosely. I can't prove that you're a human.
Fez: You can prove that I'm human.
Ron: Right now, you look like a grapefruit with a horrible shirt.
Fez: This is a great shirt.
Ron: You look like you should be handing ice cream out at an old Hojo's.

[TonyBagels]

11-6

To me, if you're a golfer, and you say you're good, you should get an 18. No one is stopping you from getting it. Every time you don't shoot an 18, it means you fucked up. If you came to me and say, 'I shot a 23.', I'd say, 'You fucked up 5 times!'

[johnnyrockts]

Ron: Dave, your still wearing the same sweatshirt.
Dave: Giants Win
Ron: OK, what's under it
Dave: You don't need to see it.
Ron: Oh man, it's the same shirt
Dave: It goes so well with the Sweatshirt


Ron: I know the baby shit on both those shirts

[TonyBagels]

10-9

Caller: Jamie LYnn Spears is pregnant again. She thought she wouldn't get pregnant because she's breast feeding.
Ron: Uh, Jamie Lynn Spears, and this is the white trash move of all times, she got pregnant before she had the baby. so she's literally stacking them up, one on top of each other, like LaGuardia.

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Earls streak of good luck "I feel like putting a saddle on your back and seeing if we cant win the Kentucky Derby."

[TonyBagels]

10-9

Germfreak: The maids are like agent zero. They're transferring diseases going from one room to another. Say that someone in the room next to you has sex and there's bodily fluids all over the bed. So that maid makes the bed, she's getting fluids on her fingers. Then she's going into your room and getting fluids on your bed. And now you're pretty much sitting in someone else's fluids.
Ron: Dude, you're talking about a guy who fucks maids. So that means nothing to me. And have been third in line on a train. Hey two guys already fucked a maid. 'You want a condom?' No!

[TonyBagels]

(about finding out that there's something wrong with your child)

Nothing compares. Oh wait, I know something..today I found out that they didn't have the type of bagel I wanted.

[TonyBagels]

(to Fez)

Yesterday you came in paralyzed. Today you wanted to start the show with East Side Dave in here. Now I'm paralyzed.

[TonyBagels]

(to Fez ,about where he hung out over the weekend)

Ron: What part of Manhatten?
Fez: West Side.
Ron: What part of the west side?
Fez: lower
Ron: Tribeca?
Fez: higher
Ron: higher? Why not tell me?
Fez: Chelsea
Ron: (spits water out) CHELSEA!!!?!?!?!

[TonyBagels]

Ron: You guys talk about Prop 8?
Fez: Yeah, Prop 8 was discussed, but not about me marrying.
Ron: I betcha other props were discussed.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Boys don't make passes at fat girls in glasses!

[TonyBagels]

Do they call you Fez? Or do you go by your slave name, T-Bone?

[LiddyRules]

I don't know if you guys have ever been in a car that left the ground, but your neck's not going to be in good shape when you land.

[TonyBagels]

Wait this is confusing me. It's called BJ and the Bear? I always thought it was BJ for the Bear.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You don't think it's Christmas yet? Earl & I were walking down 57th street last night (he followed me home again...:icon_conf)

[Arch Stanton]

Why do they give you crackers with abowl of chili. Give me a heel of Italian bread anyday.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We've got a place down on the Lower East Side...they do this stuff called baby boxing! I go down there and gamble

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Last week we had an 11 month old vs. a pitbull.
Dave: How'd it go?
Ron: Ehh...you don't want to know

[TonyBagels]

Dave: You know what is good, hot sauce on popcorn.
Ron: You know what else is really good, hash oil on a Winston.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dave: You shouldn't have bet on the pitbull...
Ron: What do you want me to do? Bet on the baby and lose?

[Arch Stanton]

All this talk about Chili has me fuckin' Starvin. I'm going crazy in here.

[Arch Stanton]

Talkin' to Kathleen from the Bronx: Have you gone out and stole a lunch tray?
I'll walk right in there, grab one and walk right out without buying a fuckin' thing.

[Arch Stanton]

Hey, you gotta go on that site at 7:20pm Eastern Time to watch the 4:20 on the West Coast.

[MilkmanDan]

Kids bounce back from seeing dead bodies, I've seen a few. Know what I said? "Dad can we go get something to eat".

[Chester'sLiver]

"I would always tell kids who dad died is your father is taking the trash out for Jesus"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: A friend of mine killed himself when he found out his best friend was gay

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I had to give the eulogy...I said, "He did the only thing he could."
Fez: That's not a good eulogy at all
Ron: We're Catholics! After I said that the priest came over and told me, "Someone had to say it..."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Matt Damon..."It's not your fault."
Nicco: Yeah, but if--
Ron: It's not your fault.
Nicco: But he could--
Ron: It's not your fault.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Nicco: If only he would have called me...
Ron: Well that one is your fault. The reason he didn't call is because you're too stupid to help.

[TonyBagels]

(about suicide)

I know this, I want to kill myself at least twice each show. But I think this to help me through, 'Well, at least my best friend isn't gay.'

[TonyBagels]

(10-10, to Lilly as she leaves, about her rendezvouses with staff)

Ron: Do yourself a favor this time..uh..fuck above yourself.
Anthony: Wow! There's a whole row of people out there on the bleachers that are your ex's.
Ron: Yeah, and they're podcasters

[TonyBagels]

10-10, to Lilly as she departs

Lilly: I'm more sensitive than people give me credit for.
Ron: So's Fez, watch what happens when I throw razors at him.
Fez: Oh, RAZORS!

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez, did they say "nobodies gonna marry you anyway, forget about that prop 8?"

[TonyBagels]

10-10, after Crazed does one of his freestyles

Alright, I'm gonna tell you this right now: He's easily as good as Jay-Z. I don't see one difference between Crazed and any one of those rich mother fuckers. They're the same. Fuckin' stupid idiots gibbering off bad poetry...about how big their dicks are and how much their rims cost.

[TonyBagels]

10-10, after (yet) another Crazed freestyle

Tell me the truth! Did you fuckin' write that before, or are you really freestyling? Tell me the truth!

[TonyBagels]

10-10

Ron: I don't know what it is about a baby, every time I'm around one I wonder how far I can throw it. I can probably throw Warren 40-yds.
Anthony: Now what are talking, shot-put style?
Ron: NO, hammer throw. Where I swing him around by his legs and I'm on one leg when I let go.

[TonyBagels]

10-10, I believe Earl was by Warren

Look at him. He's staring up like he just went to the zoo. Hold him and we'll take a picture. We'll call him Baby Tarzan.

[TonyBagels]

10-10

Earl can sit around and tell Warren stories..now that Brier Rabbit had no idea.

[TonyBagels]

10-10

Dawn: Oh, he's mesmerized. Look at him.
Ron: Sure, every kid loves King Kong.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: What happens when you sue?
Fez: An Ass is gonna get something...
Ron: That's always the case with you

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So is this stuff with Ant a shoot or are they preparing for some sort of a Kiss concert? I don't want to be walking down the boardwalk, eating popcorn with a balloon in my hand...

[Arch Stanton]

The following your dream thing is different then thinking your special.

The Podcasts. So many give me these things. Why would someone who does this and it is terrible, doesn't realize they have no place on Radio. How do they not know how bad they are. They sit in a room, pretending it is a radio station.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, you know how much you love Christmas, well it's like 10 Christmas' .
HTG: Well, it is actually 8
Ron: Well, 10 makes more sense.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: (About how celebrities are treated in the streets) People walk up to and call you Feebe
Ron: Someone calls me Feebe and I'm fuckin' throwin' hands

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You said you weren't going to pay your taxes because you heard Melissa Ethridge say that the other day! You're going to pay your taxes, I know your accountant!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Well all the old pornstars would still groom, but I just love a thick forest down there
Ron: That's not groomed! That's a shrubbery

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Dave, look, I don't want you to go to an open computer and do a search on Hairy Pussy.
Dave: Well, I think about it all the time. I look up hairy pussy to get the juices flowing.
Ron: I don't want the juices flowing here. When the light goes off, you go home. I have told you, no jackin' here, and in the bathroom here.
Dave: Well, sometimes on the way to the bus, I stop in a Diner or a Restaurant and jack there.
Ron: Tell me your lying.
Dave: No, I have a 1.5 hour bus ride home to Jersey and want to sleep.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron, ESD, et al: TONY RO-MO! <clap, clap, clapclapclap>!
Fez: Stop it!
Ron, ESD, et al: TONY RO-MO! <clap, clap, clapclapclap>!
Fez: Enough!
Ron: FEZZIE HO-MO! <clap, clap, clapclapclap>!
Fez: Hey!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: The homeless guy apparently told Tony Romo that he hadn't bathed in months and Romo said, "That's okay, I'm used to the smell of locker rooms"
Ron: I would have been proud of him if he said, "I'm used to the smell of Jessica Simpson's cunt and it stinks like bad Dallas beef"

[krisko]

Talking about American consumers:

'We are all living like rappers with one hit'

[Arch Stanton]

MLC on the phone: I'm bringing Pizza. Pizza is Thanksgivin food, right?
Ron: I don't eat the food of those bucket head mother fuckers.

They all dress like Earl.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: You were abused as a child, right Fez?
Fez: Oh yeah, by my Mother too.
Ron: Well, the way that Dr Steve taught that kid of his to talk is child abuse.

[Arch Stanton]

Paul O: (talking about Twilight) The main character played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies
Ron: <hits the Ani clip> Hey, hey, we're in a post Obama world

[Arch Stanton]

Thanksgiving's coming Paul-O and I am thankful that your wife left you and that this is your last time on the Ron and Fez Show

[Arch Stanton]

Here's what I want to ask:
1. Tony Romo
2. Hairy Homo
3. Pee in my butt

I gotta go with Tony Romo, no offense Fez

[LiddyRules]

Ron: "Every day closer to Christmas I think I'm doing a show with Santy Claus."
Fez: "I'm in a beard contest, a battle of the beards."
Ron: "So why would your cheeks turn Ruby Red?"

[TonyBagels]

10-10, during a Life On Mars conversation

Blowhard: Just to see an eight-track player. Boy does that really take me back.
Ron: Where, to your own garage?

[TonyBagels]

10-10, at the end of a Z-Man call, very sarcastically

Funny stuff, Z-man. I'm gonna save this for best-of.

[TonyBagels]

10-10

Lilly: I want to drive someone so crazy that when I break up with them, they burn my shit.
Ron: Bobby Pantera's on the way over here, right now.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, you spend your whole life wanting to live in Manhatten, not Queens. You stay here in the Studio all night instead of going home to that musty rat hole in Queens. Fez, there is stuff groing on the walls.
Fez: Ew, really? Mold on the walls?
Earl: They come in every 3 weeks and scrape it off.

[Arch Stanton]

On the poll at .net: The people are going for the Tony Romo Pee in my Butt combo over Hairy Homo.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: They are in England having kick a Ginger Day. Everyone kick Dave.
Dave: Stay away from me!!!
Fez: Yay!!! It's kick a Ginger Day!!!

[Arch Stanton]

I went to Queens and I thought I was in M.A.S.H., There are Koreans running around everywhere.

[Arch Stanton]

About the Spitzer hooker on 20/20:
Look, and this is not just for that Spitzer whore, it's for all whores. Once you get paid, you lock it up. You don't tell how the guy stuck his thumb up his your ass. You got paid. Shut up.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: What do you want Earl, to raise kids to jack off then eat their Brothers ass like you did?
Earl: I did not eat my Brothers Ass

[twotoes]

I know for a fact if you kick a ginger hard enough in the head, candy comes out.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave, if your Brother asks me to be the spokesman for the Gays, I will do it.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Fez, have you seen Taki Driver yet?
Fez: No. I will put that on my to do list.
Ron: There you go, a regular guy doesn't have a to do list.
Here's Fez's to do list:
1) Take care of Skippy
2) Clean the Apartment
3) Go and blow a complete stranger

[little e]

From 9/25/08

<Ron talking to a race car driver who is complaining about signing autographs>
Ron: Do you drive for NASCAR?
Caller: No, I'm an NHRA drag racer.
Ron: So this is the beauty of it. None of the people you sign it for can read. So you can just write whatever you want on there. You could put four numbers down.

<seconds later>

Ron: Well, I mean since you're only working seven seconds a day...what do you gotta really worry about, the rest of the time you are free to write.

[TonyBagels]

10-14, about mood altering Rx drugs, commercials, etc

It's a lie! You're not supposed to feel good all the fuckin' time!

[TonyBagels]

10-14

P-Hicks: I have to wear my sunglasses though.
Ron: Those aren't sunglasses. Those are Blue Blockers. And every time I see you, I think you're wearing a wire.

[TonyBagels]

(about the ChiChester SunValley matchup)

It's gonna be there? Good, fuck 'em at their home! That's what I like to say.

[CousinDave]

Ron 12:17 : "You're gonna get fun facts on this show"

[TonyBagels]

Ron: You know what I'm thankful here at Thanksgiving.
Dave: What?
Ron: That there isn't 6 days a week that we have to be here.

[TonyBagels]

That is my connection with God, that Ron Bennington's Line of the Day. That is what I have to offer back to the Lord.

[TonyBagels]

(about Opie's wedding)

Let's just say this, when Long Island meets Philly, it's a very low rent affair.

[TonyBagels]

That's not what it's about, Dave, and you know it. You're talking right now, not only like a child, but a retarded child.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)

You know what you ought to do, join the Mansons. Put a big Swatstika on your head and join the Mansons!!!

[TonyBagels]

Your church isn't even a chirch, Earl. It's a fuckin' chicken stand 6 days of the week and goes back to being a church for one.

[TonyBagels]

You know the other way to make the announcement is to say it as a way to getting back at someone. Yell it out in a fight.

[TonyBagels]

Let me tell you this: No one's ever got any woman with a poem. EE Cummings never got a chick with a poem.

[TonyBagels]

How does a penis fit inside another penis. When you can show me that, Fez, than I'll agree that gay marriage should be legal.

[TonyBagels]

10-15

We're trying to have a conversation about men and women, not fuckin' men and sluts. This girl is a fuckin' cock lover. There's nothing...you can't calm her down. She's a bucking bronco. If you were on for 8 seconds, great brother, you had a ride. But don't act like this is my pet bronco.

[TonyBagels]

10-15, here's the whole Ron rantCaller: My Girlfriend is Bi, we go on dates and she looks at girls and kissed one on the last date. Her last relationship was with a girl for three years. it bothers me.

Ron: So, you won the lottery and have too much cash in your pockets. You have the best situation going. You can find yourself with two, maybe three girls at once.
You know what? Get a gun and shoot your dick off. It is just a piss pump for you. You can't even call it a dick.
yes, you hit the lottery. Now you're going, "I hit the lottery and all I have is cash in my pockets. It's starting to hurt." Stop being a fuckin' crybaby and get yourself some fuckin' pussy. Jesus Christ, the only thing better than having a chick is having two chicks. Who knows, there could even be a third in there. You could be living some sort of sick, demented, fuckin' fantastic life, if you'd just open your eyes and enjoy the blessings that have been handed to ya. Either that, or take a gun and shoot your own dick off, 'cause you're fuckin' wasting it...Call it a piss pump, 'cause it's really not a fuckin' dick!

[TonyBagels]

10-16Ron: God hates two things, the Devil & the city of Philadelphia

He prefaced it with: Oh please..will you people. What don't you understand about the wrath of God?

[TonyBagels]

10-16

Jay Mohr: Don't you think Joe Torre lost that series for the Dodgers.
Ron: I can't...you don't know what's it' slike, you weren't raise Catholic, so you don't know what it's like to be smited by the Lord.
Jay: But you won in 1980.
Ron: And I don't even like to brong that up. I'm seriously..I'm waiting for them to come back and take that ring off uh Steve Carlton's finger. Tug McGraw put it best, and he said this, "You can't believe." He says, "You cannot believe!"
Fez: Are you sure that's what he said.
Ron: He does say that. And he means it!

[TonyBagels]

10-17, live on XM after being on Sirius

Ron: Here is Arch. Arch you're on Ron and Fez.
Arch: Yeah, I'd like to know if this is an XL channel?
Ron: Yes it is.
Arch: Well, thank God for that.
Ron: Yeas, thank God for that. So you might hear us say words like, uh, break wind, is one of the things. And I understand that that's a problem, but we'll be using that kind of terminology. Now, Arch.
Arch: Yeah
Ron: Uh, welcome as a new listener. Now let say this: Stay close. I think you're gonna like the show. You might even want to start a line-of-the-day with some of the lines I get off.
Arch: That's a brilliant idea.
Ron: Yeah, I might try to come up with one of those. Take my friend.
Arch: bye
Ron: Oh, and thanks for sounding like Vos.

[NortonsHeiny]

From last week Ron is telling Fez that the gay community needs a leader and to organize...he tells him "You know what you need? A Martin Luther Queen"

[TonyBagels]

Me and my friends used to have a nickname for binge drinkin. We used to call it: drinking

[twotoes]

To Dave: If you were cloned, you would hate you as much as I hate you.

[TonyBagels]

10-17

If this is really the end times, under President Obama. He'll still only be the second worst president.

[Charlie Bats]

Ron: Since the fart comes from the ass, people are moved to extremes; whether they find it incredibly gross or incredibly hilarious, where I'm sure...
Fez: or sexy
Ron: that's the first I've ever heard, Fez. But then again, I party uptown, so I don't know...

[Arch Stanton]

11/26 Best Of:

You could toss a salad between Fez's Ass Cheeks

[TonyBagels]

10-17

Ron: Now Fez, have you ever seen the movie The Razor's Edge?
Fez: Yeah, I've seen Razor's Edge.
Ron: Does it look a little like this {throws razors}?

[RobeSoup&Tears]

Ron: [Southern Accent Ed] "Fez...my mom don't I'm a faggot...so could I say you're my brother?" [Southern Accent Ed]

[Arch Stanton]

11/26/ Best Of:
(Southern Accent Ed) Your Lynyrd Skynyrd pretty....Yup, your Skynyrd pretty

Ron: Fez, do we got any bananas in the Kitchen?
Fez: Yeah, I think I can find one
Ron: Well, peel it and put the peel on your raging Hardon?

If you had TV up your Ass I would watch all day

Fez, howd you like to deep fry your balls?

Yopu make me feel like Tennessee Willilams, I'd like to get buck ass naked and fuck you in the yard.

My Momma don't know I'm a faggot, could you tell her i'm your Brother?

When we wake up, could you fart in my mouth?

Fez, you ever wonder if the Ultimate Warrior could beat up Jesus in a fight.
Fez, your my best friend. You fuck and suck like Shake and Bake
Your every bit as pretty as that Dolly Parton...but twice as fat...twice as fat

[TonyBagels]

10-17, about calling a doctor 'doctor'

I don't like calling people by their titles. I don't people to call me 'Radio Host'.

[TonyBagels]

10-21, Obama going to Hawaii to care for his dying Grandmother

He lost my vote. He lost my vote by going out there and caring for a white woman.

[TonyBagels]

10-22 on the upcoming election coverage

You don'tget to hear the word 'fuck' on cable TV. With us, we guarantee you, ah cursing, for the election night. And if Earl loses, you will hear the black riot start here. Earl will light a torch, leave this building, and start to burn down New York City. Earl, when you start turning over cars..not mine.

[TonyBagels]

10-22

Arch, here's what I want to do, I want to do an unmasked with you, and tell everyone it's Vos.

[Sack of Chisels]

from best of

Ron: Jimbo, you're on Ron & Fez... Jimbo, how old are you buddy?
Jimbo: 31.
Ron: Well, what do ya say we drop the "Jimbo" and just go to "Jim", whatdoya think? Let's all grow up.

[Sack of Chisels]

"Lemme tell ya how to deal with crazy chicks.. when they pull the knife on you, that's when you rip your shirt open, and scream "go ahead, do it! my life would be better!"

[Guilty Spark]

Hard Rock Johnny: Possibly, I don't wanna get everyone too excited...I might have a Turducken.

Ron: AAAAY! We have a Turducken. That's 100% sure, we have a Turducken.

[WFKS]

Fez: On December 21, 1978 , The Mormon church announced blacks could join their Church

Ron: Earl, that was the date, I left the Mormon Church

[DonTheTrucker]

from best of

Ron: Jimbo, you're on Ron & Fez... Jimbo, how old are you buddy?
Jimbo: 31.
Ron: Well, what do ya say we drop the "Jimbo" and just go to "Jim", whatdoya think? Let's all grow up.

Better be careful. "Jimbo" might just have buttons. :action-sm

[NortonsHeiny]

On Earl's holding the mic techniques...."Earl literally thinks he is holding the mic in a kung fu movie."

[Sack of Chisels]

"I asked Earl to get me water once, and he was gone for like an hour, and I went in the back, and he was mixing hydrogen with oxygen -- I said Earl, it comes ready-made!!!"

[TonyBagels]

On Earl's holding the mic techniques...."Earl literally thinks he is holding the mic in a kung fu movie."

Here's the quote, from Thanksgiving:

Fez: Earl, I love your mic technique. When someone’s done talking, then put it in front of their face. It’s innovative. No one does it in radio.
Ron: He honestly believes he’s working a mic in a kung-fu movie.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving show

Ron: So your sister’s been away, ah focusing on her career.
Earl: Well, if you call chemical dependency a career.
Ron: I do! I tell you what. You really have to dedicate to it. Particularly if your career is in the crack arts.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving

The other thing I’m thankful for is Fez came to the party dressed as cranberry sauce. Did you wear that in case you spilled something on yourself?

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving

This whole thing of I’ve got to watch football. Football’s on every single day of the year now. There’s three games on Thanksgiving now. One of them is always the lowly Detroit Lions. So actually, who cares one way or the other. There’s really only one football game that anyone really cares about. {Booker T & The MGs music kicks in} And that, of course, is Chichester Senior High School against Sun Valley. The dreaded rich kids. This is the Outsiders vs. The Soc’s. And although we rarely win on the field, we always have better dope and their chicks end up blowing us. That’s because they get a choice, to suck or fuck.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving

Casey: I brought Beanie’s box cake.
Ron: I’m definitely gonna be ready to lick around Beanie’s box.
Casey: I did frost it, though.
Ron: I’m gonna frost it too.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving, during the Parade of Side Dishes

Wow, this is the most Italian Thanksgiving ever. This is starting to look like Columbus Day…or the last Soprano’s episode.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving

By the way, it looks like Baby Love is using spaghetti sauce as make-up. That’s it honey, sit in your shame. Sit in your shame.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving

Ron: OK, Spandy, what are you thankful for this year?
Spandyman: That I’m still alive and can walk.
Ron: Alright, this is starting to sound like Thanksgiving at the VA Hospital. If someone is thankful for a hook hand, I’m turning the show off.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving

Bobby P: …and I’m gonna marry this one.
Ron: Fez, you owe that hundred dollars on the Bobby Pantera is gay bet.

[TonyBagels]

10-22, about Guns ‘n Roses

Why doesn’t he write a song called Come Back Slash?

[TonyBagels]

10-22, slippery slope

Fez: Well, look at Rosie O’Donnell and her wife. They’re not doing animals.
Ron: Her wife is!!

[TonyBagels]

10-24

If you work third shift, people treat you like a fuckin’ animal. They act as though you’re a coke dealer. Now, I’ve worked third shift…and, ahhh, at the time, I was a coke dealer. But you need a front job.

[TonyBagels]

10-24, about Earl’s ex’s miscarriage

Ron: She fucked with you Earl. And we’ve all had broads do this. Is she a crazy chick?
Earl: Not as crazy as others, No.
Ron: But she banged you, right?
Earl: Yeah
Ron: So, a crazy chick…I think we’ve all said to some girl, ‘Fuck you! Go hatch you egg and if it looks like me, I’ll pay. But not a fuckin’ dime before then!’ That’s what you should have said, instead of falling for the Baby Satchmo story.

[TonyBagels]

10-24

Can you imagine how slow Earl’s baby would crawl? A fuckin’ slug would pass it.

[TonyBagels]

10-24, about Dr Steve’s frozen cakes

Doctor Steve, none of your stuff works out. Send us liquid morphine, or nothing.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving, about gay being the worst thing to be called

Ron: I'd rather be called a kid killer.
Spandy: Well, I don't know about that. Gay's better than being a kid killer.
Ron: Then I've got a date for you.

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving

It means so much to me when heterosexual couples get married. That's the way it's supposed to be!

[TonyBagels]

Thanksgiving, Casey's thankful for her daughter

Ron: Yeah, who was that?
Casey: It was Dave!
Ron: Alright, Fez, here's that 50 back.

[Arch Stanton]

Thanksgiving Show:

Hey kids, remember how cool I told you smoking is, wait till I tell ya about Oxycotton

[NortonsHeiny]

From the Thanksgiving Show..."This is starting to sound like Thanksgiving at a VA hospital. I hear one person say they are thankful for a hook hand Im turning the show off."

[TonyBagels]

about a trade for old Lilly

Ron: Earl, you wanna go to Rochester?
Earl: Nah, I don't want to go to Rochester. I like New York.
Ron: Can we start calling you Rochester? You can pull my car around and pick me up.

[TonyBagels]

about Pete Seager 'rocking out'

Woody Allen is 73 today. And he's saying to his wife, ahhh, Yow Ming, "You know who's really old? Pete Seager."

[BigWilly]

about Old Lily's Vroom-Vroom jerk off style:

"In here you need two fingers and a hemostat"

[Arch Stanton]

I don't know how anyone could survive without Satellite Radio. Terrestrial Radio sucks.

[TonyBagels]

about the R&F Show

It's an abortion that was done so late term, that the baby was eating a sandwich.

[Sack of Chisels]

(a caller has a psychiatric idea of putting some sort of electric collar on Fez to curb some habits of his)

Fez: I think that would stop my heart if I tried this..
Ron: either way you're cured.

[TonyBagels]

I would like to have a new show called Men Without Problems

[Ball of Hate]

Let me explain to you the joke:

A guy spends all day making baked ziti. It all ends up in the trash! It's as old as time!

[TonyBagels]

Sometimes I think I'm a bug light for the fuckin' maniacs. I feel like I'm fuckin' suckin' 'em in here.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: What happened with that girlfriend of yours?
Earl: Ah, it's long story.
Fez: Another abortion?
Earl: NO!
Ron: She get to know ya?

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Earl, when you going back to church?
Earl: Next Sunday
Ron: Say a little prayer, thanking God that this is an XL channel

[BIV]

The second worst thing you can call a man....a Scot.

[TonyBagels]

10-30

This may be the first 3-hour Mummer Strut show in the history of radio.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

about Fez being cheap...
Ron: I would call him a tight-ass, but I know the kind of lifestyle he lives.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: In the Catholic Church, if you have any less than 9 kids, you're looked at like you're barren. I'm from a family of 4 and I was treated like an only child

[Chester'sLiver]

Fez: "What is wrong with me?"

Ron: "You are an idiot."

[TonyBagels]

Psychiatrist: Teenage girls cut
Ron: That's so hot.
Psychiatrist: It makes them feel alive.
Ron: I'll fuckin' make them feel alive.

[twotoes]

About narrators being for girls, so guys don't have to explain everything:

Ron: So a narrator is just a better boyfriend.

[Arch Stanton]

My Mother said my dream for you is to be in the Military. I always wanted for you to bayonette Brown people.
I said, Mom, I can do that right here and never have to leave Philly.

[Arch Stanton]

After hearing Beanie and Dave sing:
This is the first time I ever wished Hitler would have won that War

[Arch Stanton]

I went out to Iowa too, and the houses were made of Brick...House...It's mighty Mighty

[Arch Stanton]

We got Christmas coming up and even though we have alot of Jews listening, we know they are wrong.

[Arch Stanton]

About Sam to Beanie:
He's gonna write a sketch about you called the Graduate

[moochcassidy]

"Let me explain the joke to you Franklyn.

A guy takes all day to bake a Ziti...then that Ziti is thrown in the trash."

[Sack of Chisels]

about Fez being cheap...
Ron: I would call him a tight-ass, but I know the kind of lifestyle he lives.

"No way, nooooooo way!"

[Sack of Chisels]

a caller describing split personality/schizo people

"like if they have one name on the air, and one name off?"

[LiddyRules]

Ron: "There was a character based on my dad in 'Milk'"
Fez: "Who?"
Ron: "Dan White."

Ron *as his dad to him*: "Jay Mohr? You took his mask off didn't you?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Or "Better than the 9/11 Heros: The Ron Bennington Story." That's the name of my book

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: My father was the manager of the first integrated diner in Lakeland, Florida.
Ron: So business was so bad that they had to let blacks in?

[TonyBagels]

after Dave & Beanie's Christmas song:

Fezzie, looks like you're off the hook Buddy

[TonyBagels]

about Fez's song:

Fez: Mine was fuckin' brilliant
Ron: I'll play it right now! I'll put it on the turntable.

[TonyBagels]

Paul-O: ..that Tome Hanks movie that made tons and tons of money...
Ron: SPLASH!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I didn't say that, don't put words in my mouth. Worse, don't put balls in my mouth

[TonyBagels]

(to Earl)

Does it gotta be black for you to stick up for it? Can you stick up for a white kid once in a while?

[TonyBagels]

about the Ultimate Sam (the Afro Warrior)

You know, I didn't think it was possible, but you can be thin and out of shape.

[Arch Stanton]

I hate a thief that steals from a liquor store. But, a guy that steals 1.2 Million worth of diamonds, that's a hero. I love the big robbery.

[Arch Stanton]

I think anybody that wants to buy ad time is alright. I'll do the read. It's just a commercial. It's all bullshit from the start anyway.

[Arch Stanton]

So, I start a cigar club with Mafia Life Chris and he now becomes a Cigar Czar. I sit and do a Radio Show next to a half a gay.

[stevethrower]

New Lilly: Mentor Ron...
Ron: No, call me uncle bad daddy.

[Arch Stanton]

I got this I heart rim jobs from Dr. Steve, and Franky, I want you to have it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Wow, I drank so much my vagina hurts! I don't know what it was that I was drinking, but my vagina is bleeding. Thanks for letting me sleep over Franky!

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: New Lilly, do you really want to be an intern somewhere?
New Lilly: Yeah
Ron: Well I know a place I can get you an internship. It's a Sushi joint. They need an intern to take away the fish heads.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: There's nothing worse than when you fail that AIDS test. Ya gotta be kidding me!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Yeah, Magic Johnson is at a point where there they can't find any HIV in his blood
Ron: Know how he did it?
Fez: No, how?
Ron: Magic.

[Arch Stanton]

There's nothing worse then calling someone Gay at Christmas time.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after listening to the OJ judge drone on and on...

Ron: This woman could bore me even if she was talking about her thick vagina lips.

[twotoes]

Cuttin' up pills with the la la la la.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, you should take a picture of your feet and put a caption on it that says, "These never move."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'd have to take a fist full of Valium on my way to go find some downs...

[Arch Stanton]

I never say anything bad about Hollywood, but that town...full of Jews.
New York too. And that Isreal, full of Jews. I went there to relax, and Jews everywhere.

[BIV]

Cuttin' up pills with the la la la la.
That one made me pee a little.

[RMPGP]

Intern: Who doesn't have crabs?
Fez: Don't put that on the resume.
Ron: Why not? What if it's a seafood restaurant?

[Sack of Chisels]

"I helped OJ find the real killer, I sent him a pocket mirror"

[TonyBagels]

Caller: University of Texas gets screwed out of a National Championship, C-YA!
Ron: Climb to the top of a belltower. Take your heat out that way.

[Arch Stanton]

So, you are going to lose the Cubs, but you are getting an Aquarium, which will bring hundreds of people to that neihborhood every summer, and in the Wnter, you can Ice Skate on it.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I had a problem over the Weekend. I got into a shoving match with a guy.
Ron: What, your ass onto his cock?

[TonyBagels]

Fez: I think I held my own for the most part.
Ron: Dick? 'Cause when I walk through Chelsea, ahh double cuff the shaft

[Arch Stanton]

So you got into a shoving match with a flower guy in Chelsea, which is the number one job in Chelsea.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You can't send a straight man down to Chelsea to deliver flowers. That's like saying, "Hey let me send my pet steak into the group of lions"

[TonyBagels]

My dope didn't travel. Where ever I was with my dope, was the place I wanted to fuckin' be.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: If I gave you a million guesses, it'd be your first one.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: What I want I wanted for Christmas, total shoot, would be for you (Fez), is for you to go back in.
Fez: Really?
Ron: You have no idea how bad it has been in here the last two weeks with you.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Fez, is it alright if I just tell you what it is that I want you to get me?
Fez: Sure.
Ron: I want you to soak an ether rag, put it over Angelfuck's face, and bring her to me.

[Ronreddog]

Ron: Fez, is it alright if I just tell you what it is that I want you to get me?
Fez: Sure.
Ron: I want you to soak an ether rag, put it over Angelfuck's face, and bring her to me.

You beat me to it! Great line!

[bigbill]

Ron: I didn't kill myself, but I did rip my shirt.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(talking about how Julianna is Jewish)
Ron: I only use one scale...and that's Hitler's.

[LiddyRules]

*After the show started with AC/DC's Highway to Hell*

"Opened the show today with some Highway to Hell. Tomorrow I believe it's Don't Fear the Reaper. Then the next day is Freebird. And hopefully we can debut Stairway to Heaven for you."

[RMPGP]

"If I have to hear the term same sex marriage again I'm going to jump out the window."

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: Bucs fans want it both ways...
Ron: Yeah, ass and mouth

[twotoes]

Dave: Bucs fans want it both ways.
Ron: Yea, in the ass and in the mouth.

[TonyBagels]

(about the National Call Out Gay Day)

If this thing fuckin' happened on a Saturday, I'd come to work.

[TonyBagels]

(cont.)

I may work more tomorrow, 'cause 3 hours a day is too close to being gay.

[TonyBagels]

(about the Yankees)

They are a ridiculous organization. And every time they don't get into the playoffs, is funny for the rest of humanity.

[twotoes]

If you have to ask the question "Does this make me gay?", that is gay.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: We can lie to you whenever we want?
Dave: Yeah.
Ron: Oh, I think you're hysterical then

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I look at Santa the same way I look at Clowns. As weirdos. Weirdos who hang around kids.

[jobson]

You know why god licks his balls? Because he can

[Arch Stanton]

I see Sheepy outside sitting with his feet crossed, looking in. Glad he took off today and came in.
Should I bring him in and anger the internet?

[Arch Stanton]

Dave, how is the Handy lift business doing?
ESD: Great!!!
Ron: They seem to be useful for the lazy too. I should put one in so I can have my chick make me breakfast and send it up to me.
They have that in Hotels, but I don't remember what they call them...
Pepper: Dumb Waiter...
Ron: Don't call me a Dumb Waiter

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron to Earl: 'You're 40 and not married...you should take today off.'

[TonyBagels]

(to Sheepy, on Gay Take Day Off Day)

Ron: Well you know who's confused? Not straight guys. I'll tell you that right away. There's one thing you're sure of. Earl, you're fuckin' confused.
Earl: Not at all.
Ron: You're 40 and unmarried. You should've taken the day off

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Hey Budday. I thought you took off today.
Caller: Well times are tight.
Ron: Times are tight, but your ass is not.

[TonyBagels]

(bands signature song)

Caller: The Eagles?
ROn: I'm gonna say, and a lot of people don't like it, but...Donovan McNabb

[TonyBagels]

(10-31)

Fez: It's Zach and...Craig Robinson, from The Office, is in there. And..
Ron: What guy is he in The Office? Is he the guy that runs the office?
Fez: No, he's Daryl, the truck driver, out on the loading dock.
Ron: Here's what I'll do, during the movie: DAAARE--YL! DAAARE--YL! DAAARE--YL!

[TonyBagels]

(10-31, cont)

Fez: And of course, a cameo by Jimmy Norton.
Ron: Jimmy Norton is in this movie?
Fez: Jimmy Norton is in Zach & Miry Make a Porno.
Ron: JIMMM--MY!! JIMMM--MY!! JIMMM--MY!!

[twotoes]

I don't want to be named Gunner. What if I'm playing basketball and they call me Gunner? I'll say, "Fuck you I will shoot."

[TonyBagels]

Fez, when it started raining, were you glad that you built that big boat?

[TonyBagels]

I can sit here and eat hot peppers and not feel as bad as I do when I look up and see that Earl works for me.

[NortonsHeiny]

"His new album is called the Life that Patrick thought he was going to be living.."

[TonyBagels]

11-5

Ron: Fezzie, you know I'm pretty liberal. I grew up thinking that the unions made a lot of sense, just from the neighborhoods I lived in, but if I found out one of my friends was gay, I'd kill him and then myself.
Fez: You would?
Ron: Yes. One, I'd kill him to put him out of his misery. And then, B, I'd kill myself to cover up the shame that I've brought on myself, my family, and the Lord Jesus Christ and teh six thousand year old Earth.
Fez: There is no shame there. There is no need to murder anyone.
Ron: Murder-Suicide. Don't make it look like I'm a maniac. Yeah, umm, I'd uh kill him, then probably Dave, and then myself. And uh, the reason why I'd be killing Dave had nothing to do with the gay thing, just some other scores I need to settle.

[TonyBagels]

11-5

Ron: I think the only problem I have with gays adopting is that they r@pe babies. And that bothers me.
Fez: They do not r@pe babies.
Ron: Prove it.
Fez: They're normal people.
Ron: Normal? or gay?
Fez: They're gay which is fine. It's perfectly normal. It's just as American as anything else.
Ron: Do I have a sound effect that goes: Coo Coo. Coo Coo? or maybe: what are you talking about? or maybe like this (Arnold voice): Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Fez? I would kill the friend, then Dave, then myself. I might even move to Earl.

[TonyBagels]

11-11, Fez gets Batman figures for a present

What do you call them, baby cock lures?

[TonyBagels]

11-11, Fez opens more presents, Ron throws wrapping paper at him

Fez: I got..OWWW..a wad of wrapping paper in my eye.
Ron: I'm so glad you said wrapping paper.

[livebackwards]

Saw this one a ways back, but the syntax was wrong, and it was so good I had to put it in here word for word. Regarding Fez' abusive mother:

Ron: Look, I'm gonna, I never do this, but I'm gonna do it for you. I'm gonna go down there and beat the shit out of her.
Fez: Well now she is a little old woman!
Ron: Yeah, and it's fuckin' payback time!

[EarthCrisis]

What the hell did he say today about Earl thinking he's the black "House", man that was fucking great.

and "the netherlands huh? Well FUCK YOU Van Halen, i'm from America"

[Matt Obscure]

To Sebastian, the canadian **** victim dater.

Dude, prove the world wrong. The world says you can't smother yourself, you'll show 'em otherwise.

[Awful Me]

Ron: Jay Mohr's movie Mafia! was better than GodFather 3

[Awful Me]

Ron: Earl rub your toes in it, or as you call them: Pecans

[redsock13]

"I didn't say I'm "thriller", I'm "dark side of the moon". I want to stay on the charts."

[mongothetrucker]

"I'll bet Dave's liver looks like a donut..."

[snwbrdngsfinest]

Actually it's "...well i have two radio shows, so..."

[MrBlonde]

"This is a book, it's something I like..."

[mongothetrucker]

"Thanks God it's XL.... We can say cum in they tight ass."

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"Only two people in the history of the world were lucky enough get a disease named after them, Lou Gehrig and Jimmy AIDS."

Congrats to Ronnie B. on Volumne 2 of the best thread on the internet.

[livebackwards]

12-11:

Dave: I remember one time I videotaped- this is when I was like 14 or 15- I videotaped myself jerking off! And then I played it back and I’m like “Why did I do this?” Like, was I trying to turn myself on?
Ron: You should’ve jerked off watching it and Ummagumma (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ummagumma)’ed yourself. Videotape that, and just go on and on and on. Then you’re a fuckin’ performance artist! Then you could fuckin’ take that thing to Mo Mo- “I call this Infinite Jagoff”.

[livebackwards]

12-11:

Ron: “Ron and Fez” – according to this new email – “I’m not sure if this is a moral dilemma, but I’ll ask anyway. Recently, my father went to prison for DUI. It was a second offense with mandatory time under Melanie’s Law.” Oh, that’s the “I Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates, You’ve Got a Brand New Key” law. Not really all that well-known, apparently.


(Fucking love Ronnie's esoteric music knowledge (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brand_New_Key).)

[JordanSRT10]

(to Fez) "I am the doctor of Marijuana"

[Fat Opie]

"His new album is called the Life that Patrick thought he was going to be living.."

Dawn just spotted this for me...

I'll second this LOTD nomination!!! :icon_lol:

[gleet]

Fez: Are you sure it wasn't you, Sebastion?
Ron: Listen to him Fez. I doubt he can get hard, much less **** her.

[Save My Up's Dick]

Ron: Fez, does your secret have anything to do with your asshole??

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez: just keep logging onto crazywealthyrapevictims.com
Ron: if there was such a place, it would be bigger than google right now!

[NortonsHeiny]

Afer Opie gives Dave his jacket on Friday Ron tells Op "Yeah its going to be really cold on that walk to the limo..."

[NortonsHeiny]

He then follows it up with reminding Opie "Dont forget you have that jacket made of gold in the other room."

[TonyBagels]

11-12, about the channel moves SiriusXM have made

Ron: I think all of these changes are just for the best. Every change seems like it's just all for the best.
Fez: Well, it's progress.
Ron: My idea was: Every single channel..every music channel..Pearl Jam..and just see how long it took, to see if even Dave got sick of it.

[TonyBagels]

11-12

Ron: I know what I want from you this year.
Fez: What's that?
Ron: sixty one hundred dollars.
Fez: I'm not giving you sixty one hundred dollars.
Ron: Then get me my second favorite wish.
Fez: What's that?
Ron: sixty three hundred dollars.

[TonyBagels]

11-12

Fez: ...just for some reason I'm no sleeping.
Ron: You know what you might wanna do?
Fez: What's that?
Ron: Take the dick out of your ears.
Fez: That's not what's keeping me up at night.
Ron: alright, then I don't know how to help ya. 'Cause I felt that I had a real solution for ya.

[TonyBagels]

11-12, to Pepper about dealing with emotions

You know what I'm gonna get for you? I've got something that can help you. It's called scotch. I want you to drink this entire bottle.

[TonyBagels]

11-12, dealing with emotions

Ron: So Fez, your thing is to deal with it, right?
Fez: Yes. Deal with the emotions. Get the emotions out there.
Ron: Yeah.
Fez: Wether you're joyful, show that. If you're sad, go ahead, show that.
Ron: so I should just express myself?
Fez: Yeah. Exactly! Just what ever you're feeling {COWBELL CLANG} OWWW!!! Not with a cowbell! With emotions!
Ron: You're a genius, 'cuase I feel so much better.
Fez: I'm not!
Ron: Especially, when I knocked your water over.

[TonyBagels]

(Elvis Blue Hawaii playing)
You know what My Dad would say when an Elvis song would come on? He was the King. The King. This guy could sing.

he followed up with, more of his father's words:


And he got those pills from his OWN DOCTOR!!! IT'S NOT DOPE, if you get it from YOUR OWN DOCTOR!!!

[TonyBagels]

(Bush ducking thrown shoes in Iraq)

Why can't you be proud of this? We've got the dodgiest fuckin' President of all time!

[krisko]

talking about that show ruining New Lilly
'Think of her like 9/11, if some people wanted to have sex with 9/11'

[twotoes]

The only time I pay attention to the cheerleaders is when someone runs into them.


MONTANA GRIZZLIES VS. RICHMOND FRI. 8pm
GO GRIZ!!!

[jackjack]

Ron: We're anti-American.. That's what being an American is all about.

[Arch Stanton]

You know what I love about Christmas? That the Jews aren't included. They can't jump in like the do on Arbor day.

[Charlie Bats]

when I was young there was a kid in my class with a hearing aid, and me and my friends used to hit him with our lunchboxes. You can't have that kind of fun any more.

[TonyBagels]

11-13, about the movie Cobra with Stallone


It was so awful, that it was as bad as the rest of his films.

[TonyBagels]

11-13, as Eddie Veder

Hey, well, I garble my words. Hey everybody, look at my shorts. Rrrreeeeerrrrr Reeeeerrrrr swinging a cat over my head.

He's like Jim Morrison's mini-me

[TonyBagels]

11-13

Crazy Jen: I went to culinary school, right?
Ron (yelling): WHEN I WAS BACK THERE IN CULINARY SCHOOL. THERE WAS A PREACHER WHO PUT FORTH THE PROPOSITION, THAT YOU CAN PETITION THE LORD WITH PEARS! PETITION THE LORD WITH PEARS! YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH PEARS!!!

[TonyBagels]

11-13, To Fez

Do you realize that you've sunk so low that you're taking brain advice from (Crazy) Jen.

[livebackwards]

12-15:

Ron: Oh, it’s a dollhouse that you can get into yourself? Alright, at that point, it’s just called a shed. I have a dollhouse, and what I do is keep a lawnmower in it, and some tools.

[Sack of Chisels]

If there's one thing I never wanna hear in front of the word "core", it's "soft". And you know that sometimes late at night you find yourself watch those, and you're going like this: "I can't see pussy?? it's too fucking impossible for you to turn around?!?!"

[Sack of Chisels]

Caller: I wanna know your take on identical twin porn.
Ron: Uh.. I just think.. keep it coming. What do you want me to say? "I want it banned?"

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron to Fez: "Let your freak fag fly!"

[LiddyRules]

The Ashley Madison Live Read

"It's better than cheating, it's double cheating. You're cheating on your spouse, she's cheating on her spouse, it's very exciting. "

"I take her out in the car. Rail her. And hit her in the chest with a bag of donuts and say that's the end of it."

"My wife and kids we were having a big dinner last night and I had a date from Ashley Madison. I say to them "Hey, I got something for you guys, let me quick run out to the car and get it." Five hours later, I came home freshly done and they were all sleeping."

"It's Christmas, no time like Christmas for some good old fashioned cheating."

[TonyBagels]

This song makes me wanna do ecstasy. Who am I kidding, Good Morning America makes me wanna do ecstasy.

[TonyBagels]

12-12, after the description of the cake

(as Pentangeli (sp?)) Pass it around and make sure everyone gets a piece. Take a little and pass it around. You know your father and I, uh, your father had the trucks...

[TonyBagels]

12-12, as Earl was cutting the cake and giving it to the two gracious hosts

Earl, you really wished you were a waiter huh? You know where I'd like to see you work at, Earl? The 21 Club. And then in between, you can stand out front with a lamp.

[TonyBagels]

12-12, reading the most prolific contributors

...MilkmanDan, Krisko, LiddyRules..LIddy, we're trying to get you back, brother..Faz8218...

[TonyBagels]

12-12

This book, by the way, already sold out..at 1..hopefully we'll get it made into a film. and the film will just be sitting here reading the book.

[TonyBagels]

12-12, about .net

Dave: they post things like: Can there be a bigger fagala then Fez?
Fez: Are you quoting exactly, here?
Ron: That is a fuckin'...I'd turn that thread into a book in no time.

[TonyBagels]

12-12, responding to Zagman about the most views for a thread

Amazing, considering where Wackbag puts us, down there in the Donniger section.

[TonyBagels]

12-12, Dave drinking

Arch: Not many regular drinkers can take a pull on a vodka bottle like that.
Ron: He had that like it was his momma's titty. Suckin' on it, tryin' to forget his problems.

[TonyBagels]

12-12, Dave drinking Friday instead of at the .net Christmas Party

TB: Really, it's just one drinking session.
Ron: You know what, we might as well just get a bowl of heroin.

[TonyBagels]

12-12

Ron: I said this to my grandmother, I said: I don't remember Pop having a fuckin' book like this, did he?
Dave: Why taunt?
Ron: Well, he died young, so..that's why I like to laugh

[TonyBagels]

12-12, Dave asked to have the old book

Yeah, 'cause that's what I love to give you guys stuff that I treasure. I like to take things I treasure and hand them over to an alcoholic. That's my fun in life. That thing would wind up wind up in a gutter, like your life.... Was that a little too aggresive?

[TonyBagels]

12-12, Dave's expected child

Ron: Remember what I said to you?
Dave: What?
Ron: You don't have to...

[Charlie Bats]

If you had the opportunity, and you went back and you saw Hitler baby, you wouldn't split him open with an axe?

[RMPGP]

ESD talking about his baby and whether it'll be a boy...

Dave: "Well healthy is the most important thing"
Ron: "Really? Because I'd rather have a disabled boy."

[livebackwards]

Sometime last week:

Ron: Here’s Dave, Dave, you’re on Ron and Fez.
Caller Dave: Hey Ron, how are ya?
Ron: Yeah.
Caller Dave: Listen, I was just kind of curious, doesn’t anybody find it strange that Santa and Satan are just anagrams of each other?
Ron: Well, so’s dog & God, but I don’t think God licks his balls.

[NortonsHeiny]

To Dave after his announcement on Friday "Dave, you are finally the fucked up family from Vacation."

[NortonsHeiny]

To a caller telling some sort of story about his chick being ***** or something..."Women love surprisesone night at like 3 am climb into her window with a knife in your mouth..."

[NortonsHeiny]

To the same caller "If she gets shocked to her senses the first thing she is going to do is dump you because you have somewhat of a cuckold vibe to you."

[NortonsHeiny]

Same caller "Believe me I know your serious because you called two assholes on the radio."

[NortonsHeiny]

About the Milk Movie "I don't like the tag line suck cock til your shot in the head."

[Arch Stanton]

At this time of year, the worst thing you can say about someone is that they are Gay. I thank God that I am not gay. The President gets a shoe thrown at him, says he's not gay, and ducks it like a straight guy.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: I want Rockband for Christmas
Ron: You know what you need for Christmas? For some ghosts to come take you away and show you what things are really like.

[twotoes]

To Dave:

Do you realize your wife could be arrested for being a pedophile?


MONTANA GRIZZLIES vs Richmond for IAA National Championship Friday 8 pm eastern on ESPN2!

GO GRIZ!!!

[twotoes]

The only thing that kept me out of medical school was grades, otherwise I would've been there.

[TonyBagels]

(football commentator discussion)

I dispise Thisman. I do. I wanna break his other leg.

[TonyBagels]

(during live read)

Ron: You know what I wish they had?
Fez: What's that?
Ron: Ashley Madison for radio partners.

[Arch Stanton]

About Ashley Madison:
You know what I wish they had, Radio Announcers. So, I can go and have another partner, have a blast, then go back to my burden.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Who does production for the show?
Fez: That would be Pepper Hicks
Ron: Who over sees him?
Fez: That would be me....
Ron: Well, the sloppy announcer on the read makes it sound like the Mooch married Pitz. The people think Mooch married Pitz.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: That's a wierd name for a bear...Winnie the pooh
Ron: Why, it's fine, Winnie the Pooh..Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Shit
Dave: Yeah, Winnie the shit, why?
Ron: Why not? Fine with me

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: What's the same of that song?
Fez: Santa's got a secret
Ron: No. Can't be something that stupid

[Arch Stanton]

To Special Delivery:
So you'll suck dick to get air time?

[TonyBagels]

(about Wackbag)

Dave: They're never gonna like me.
Ron: You cost us LiddyRules, the man who started the LOD over there.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron To Dave:
You cost us Liddy Rules. The man who started the LOTD thread. Who refuses to listen till you leave the show and Fez come back.
Fez: I'm here

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: So, I can call into the Special Delivery Show?
Dave: Shit yeah. That would be great.
Ron: Great, so I get paid scale
Dave: No. No money
Ron: Well, I can't call now

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Fez, who is your best friend who isn't your on-air partner?
Fez: I don't think I have one
Dave: Maybe it's me
Ron: Yeah sure, your not even Casey's best friend

[Arch Stanton]

Sam: I have clawed my way up in Radio. Kissed men, stripped...
Ron: Yeah, instead of being funny. Grab the mic and tell a joke.

Here's something, Your either telling a joke or being the joke.

[Arch Stanton]

Try not to pay attention to me and drive off the road, because I can hypnotize very quickly.

Now, find a safe place.....This is a safe place
Fez: This is a safe place
Ron: This is a safe place
Fez: This is a safe place
Ron: Launches the pen cup at Fez
Fez: OWWWW Why???
Ron: You can trust no one

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Dave, If I murdered someone and told you, could you keep it a secret?
Dave: Well, I would tell my wife
Ron: Then you can't be trusted you dick

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Big Special Delivery show this Sat night.

Serious calls only folks.....Serious calls only

[WetandSticky]

12-17

(About Fezzie's shirt)

Ron: You look like an Aztec accountant.

[trplc]

Fez: my friend Jim knows the secret
Ron: I dont know any Jim
Fez: Whats is so funny about the name Jim
Ron: Is he a slim Jim

[LastDeadMouse]

(To Earl) Every year you ask for the same thing: Rims. And I have to tell you, you don't even have a car.

[LiddyRules]

I got a message from Baby Girl. She less than threes me.

[FAZ8218]

I got a message from Babygirl... she less than 3's me.

[FAZ8218]

Hesitant caller...

"Felix, Felix you're on Ron and Fez... Felix... going once, going twice... too stupid to be on the radio."

[twotoes]

Dave: I like to cum inside my wife.
Ron: Yea, we noticed. When you're not spilling it all over the bathroom floor.

[twotoes]

Ron: You're always looking for a nickname.
Fez: I've never had one.
Ron: Your name is Fez!

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Fez, you now I'm not anti-gay.
Fez: Sure
Ron: But I am anti Black Gay

[KNUCKLEUP]

Re: Earl calling his balls "biscuits":

"Go ahead. Call 'em biscuits again. So when I'm kicking you to death later on I'll remember why."

[krisko]

Ron: There's nothing black that you don't like
Earl: There's plenty black things I don't like
Ron: What's that? Mulattos?

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I know your brother is gay
Dave: Yes he is
Ron: Is he dating yet?

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ronnie: "I wish human beings were just born with wheels..."
Dave: "Well... that's not really functional..."
Ronnie: "Yes, because wheels don't work."

[thefirebuilds]

east side dave: "i dunno why deaf people dont cut their ears off... they dont need em "
Ron Bennington: "WHAT IF THEY WEAR GLASSES? you need SOMETHING to hold them motherfuckers on!"

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

To Dave:
"You know it's a bad decision if you made it."

[Sack of Chisels]

To Dave
"I wonder if your dad had to do it all over again if he woulda smothered you in the crib"

[Sack of Chisels]

I remember telling my parents: "Please with the school stuff. don't bring up homework to me, you know I'm not bringing it home. I got fucking people to meet."

[JordanSRT10]

(to Fez sarcasticly) "Gee, I didn't know you were afraid of icy roads"

[GrammatonCleric]

... on the saying bros before hoes

". . .fuck that, I say hoes before country, and hoes before God."

[RMPGP]

This isn't a LOTD based on humor but rather based on Mister B's innate and profound philosophical sense of wisdom.

A caller called in to tell Fez his girlfriend died of brain cancer, and she loved Fez even at her most sick point when she was dying.

Ron asked Fez what that story meant to him.

Fez: "That I'm in my own head, I'm not paying attention to others."
Ron: " I don't think that was the point of the story at all. The point of the story is you bring some people some happiness. You don't see it."
Fez: "Yeah, and I need to be able to feel that."
Ron: "You don't have to. Before you turn it into something negative, why can't you just take the facts as they are. Before you need to judge it, before you need to say what it should be, just take the facts as they are. Here's this woman, who, was a big fan of you, and, even when she was at her most sick, got a big kick out of you."
Fez: "That's a huge compliment, that's incredibly sweet."
Ron: "Before you even get to that point, just let that be a fact."

Amen Ron, that was amazingly well said, thank you.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Lady Trucker: Fezzie's got a secret...Santa's got a secret....Fezzie's Santa Claus!!
Ron: I wish that were true...because I know that Santa is in much better health

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Lenay D: I know the gimmick...but thank you for the presents anyways
Ron: What gimmick? I'll take a lie detector that I don't know what we got you, just like my own kids!

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez states he has Xanax and ambien for his plane ride.

"Why don't you just take em both there and die on the plane"

[LiddyRules]

*On Fez wearing the Santa suit on a plane*

Ron *as young child*: Mommy, why is Santa crying?

[LiddyRules]

"Stymie, fastest child in the history of television."

[RMPGP]

ESD: Isn't Lenay D ever going to be able to say her R's right?
Ron: So you're saying after a certain age people shouldn't have a speech impediment?
ESD: Yeah
Ron: Big A, you're on the Ron and Fez show.

[RMPGP]

Caller: I'd like to wish Earl a Happy Kwanzaa.
Earl: I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
Ron: Now every December 25th you wait for Obama to come down your chimney right?

[TonyBagels]

12-24, Best of (don't know when it originally aired to see if it's in here, if it is, sorry))

Fez: I'm not an animal. I'm human.
Ron: Lie.

[TonyBagels]

very next line....

Fez: Check my DNA.
Ron: Where is that, on Earl's back?

[NortonsHeiny]

After being handed a note by Black Earl "Excuse me I've got a Negro gram."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Earl "Earl just sees himself as the black elf."

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking to Sam about his girlfriend "Here's the deal if she really wants to support you with what you need then she what she needs to do is grow a penis."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Sam announced that he has clawed his way around on radio by having to kiss guys, Ron tells him "God you have to do a lot of bad stuff in this buisness if your not funny."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Dave asks while Fez wont tell his co-workers his secret Ron tells him "Because your cock sucking back stabbing pricks."

[NortonsHeiny]

During the Fez telling his secret to his family discussion Ron says "I love banging chicks two at a time, you think I'm going to announce that to my family?"

[NortonsHeiny]

"I didn't stand up when I was 13 and tell my parents Mom, Dad I'm ready to go out and start bird dogging pussy."

[NortonsHeiny]

Mom, Dad, smell my finger.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Heard on a replay of a drinking show after Fezzie's heart attack.

Fez, describing what it was like at the hospital when the doctors told him what was happening to him:

Fezzie: ...and all they're telling you is there's a major problem with the most significant organ in your body.
Ron: [softly] Second.
Fezzie: Brain?
Ron: [softly] Cock.

[twotoes]

During the awards show after Ron and Julianna won for feud of the year:

"Worst white baby ever."

[KNUCKLEUP]

Heard on a replay hypnotist show.

Everyone is hypnotized to think their dicks are gone:

Fez: My dick is gone and I'm pissed!
Ron: How can you be pissed without a dick?

[TonyBagels]

12-31 Best-of (from WJFK)

Crazy Jen: Stick a sock in my mouth.
Ron: What did she say?
Fez: Sock! with an 's'

[TonyBagels]

(from way back, Teen Voyeur Bus, after the arrests)

Opie: I bet Rick is now Steve C's bitch.
Ron: The funny thing is, that happened two days ago.

[TonyBagels]

(voyeur cont.)

Anthony: You were in the clink?
Ron: No. Well just overnight {muttering} half a dozen to a dozen times, for well, you know

[NortonsHeiny]

I am catching on all of my recorded shows and am not quite sure what this was from but never the less it is genius..."Anything that stands between you and pussy is the enemy."

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Peppers gift to Fez "You don't often in this day of 2008 run into a $5 bottle of liquor. Did you get him Hydrox cookies to go with it?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Earl "Every December 25th you wait for Obama to come down your chimney."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Stalker Patty announced she was Steimys nurse Ron tells her "Heres the thing, just because some old black guy in a wheel chair talks you into jerking him off doesn't make him Steimy."

[NortonsHeiny]

Speaking of Scott Muni or whatever his name was & Earls relationship "While your listening to this song I'm going to let this black intern blow me."

[NortonsHeiny]

From the Xmas Show Ron comments about Daves Mother "I think she is a little to thin...especially since the mastectomy."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It's 2009 and I keep writing "Let me fuck you from behind" on my checks. Just can't believe it's 2009

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron: "Its 2009, although I keep writing let me fuck you from behind on my checks."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It was on my niece's birthday check. She texted me back, "Yes. Yes. A thousand times over, yes."

[Arch Stanton]

It's 2009, but I still write:
Let fuck you from behind on my checks.
Yup, 2009
That was my nieces birthday check....
And she texted me back................................yes

[Arch Stanton]

If my brother had a secret and he started to tell me, he would hear this:

Stop...shut up..shut up..stop

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Even though you told me the secret , you haven't acted on it, right?
Fez: Talked the talk but haven't walked it

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You said that you will not say your secret on the air until after you tell your family, right?
Fez: Right, that's just what I feel is right.
Ron: Okay, in that case, you just need to stop boring us with your secret.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You KNOW you're on the road when you're reading the USA Today. There are no fucking newspapers outside of a city

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: So after spending my entire life being a Detroit Lions fan, I've decided to change my allegiance to the Philadelphia Eagles
Ron: You idiot...

[Chester'sLiver]

During a Ashley Madison Live Read:

Ron: "You won't get laid reading the constitution."

[Arch Stanton]

About the fingertip massager:

After using it awhile, it will smell like fish.

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron talking about the new finger vibrator)

Ron : There's nothing discreet about this.
Fez : It looks like a fishing lure
Ron : And it'll smell like one too when your done.

[Arch Stanton]

It's so small, you can lose it in your vagina. I think I have eight in there right now.

You can use the other one on your asshole.

[Arch Stanton]

There's nothing a man can use that is accepted, pocket pussy, etc.

A dildo, it is accepted like divorce. Everyone has one now.

[Arch Stanton]

Feels so good I quit my job.

[Arch Stanton]

Ashley Madison Live Read:
I use my laptop to look up the girls. I was in Church, looking it up, turned to my son and said, you see this, I'm gonna destroy this.

[Arch Stanton]

While reading the 5 resaons why you picked your cat:
Ron: Do you think your personal problems are a stick in the spokes of the radio show?
Fez: That's not on there, is it?

[Hudson]

This thread is a sham! he can only have one line of the Day!!!!!!!

[NortonsHeiny]

From the Best of Replay with the two whores in the studio "You're not here to dominate me I will punch you right in the forehead."

[NortonsHeiny]

From the same replay "It's December 8th while don't you put some Mark David Chapstick on."

[krisko]

To Earl about him handing in a long promo to Fez:

'Give the homo a promo, that's what I want in '09'

[KNUCKLEUP]

Caller: I've had a radio for 25 years, can I have Earl's job?
Ron: Are you black?
Caller: Well... no...
Ron: Then I can't help you.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Hey Fez, can you play It Makes Me Fez. I haven't heard it in a long time
Ron: Yeah, well, we haven't palyed that in a long time, and we still won't.

Actually we will play it. This was done in 1965. The band went on to call themselves The Animals.

[Arch Stanton]

After It Makes Me Fez played.

And there is the secret

[LiddyRules]

*on Ashley Madison*

"The only thing that can get you caught here is the smell of pussy."

[LiddyRules]

*On being jealous about your chick*

Fez: There's nothing they can do.
Ron: They can blow you.

[twotoes]

Fez: I won't open this fat trap of mine.
Ron: You mean your ass?

[livebackwards]

1-06, On team loyalty:

Fez: There’s nothing wrong with, if your team’s out of it, you can cheer for anyone you want in the playoffs!
Blowhard: It’s a free country, that’s what you can do, I agree-
Fez: There’s nothing wrong with that.
Ron: You can cheer for al-Qaeda if you want to, Fez.
Fez: (indignant) I won’t, I won’t do it.
Ron: If they start winning I bet you do, ya prick.

[trplc]

Dave: Ass com that comes out is white and dark
Fez: swirled
Ron: no thanks i just ate

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I call it the Florida Cums, not the Florida Keys

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I think that if your 14 and haven't banged a chick......fag
Fez: What? 14?
Ron: Well, that's what my gym teached told me

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, Ok, one hour, no communication...next hour, you write and only your twink can read it and communicate it, next hour, no communication

[Arch Stanton]

Earl admitted to me last night that his Grandmother wouldn't let him sleep in his underwear
That's the advantage of being best friends. He tells me that stuff.

[Arch Stanton]

Fred says we can eat free in any restaurant he put a fireplace in.
So, the check will come, he will tear it up, look at the fireplace and say I put that in 10 years ago.


I haven't dined and dashed since High School

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What is it that you do for the Ron & Fez show, noon to three?
Earl: <big sigh>
Ron: Exactly, thank you!

[jackjack]

1/8/09, Ron to Earl during the Silent Fez bit:

"Earl, get in here..... Slowly, like the show doesn't matter to you."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: "Dear Dr. Cunt-sauce..."
Ron: That reminds me, I'm starvin'. We got any sauce to put on these crabs?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: When I was younger, like 5 or 6, we used to have a dog and he always looked like he was going to say something. So sometimes when it was just me and him sitting there, I'd look at him and go, "Just fucking say it. Get it out already."

[twotoes]

Earl: I was thinking about playing "Queen Bitch"
Ron: So it's all about you.

[Arch Stanton]

So Earl, you don't smoke, don't drink. What do ya do?

[BIV]

Ron: Earl, where do you want to go
Earl: I..
Ron (and soon everyone):Show me the way to go home.
I'm tired and I want to go to bed.
I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it went right to my head.

[FAZ8218]

On Paltalk pre mid-night show:
"Fez is the only person who does nothing and thinks he's doing good"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller calls in to bemoan the Oklahoma loss in the National Championship

Ron: I would tell you to go take a walk along a beach and let go...but that's a 2,000 mile drive.

[Sack of Chisels]

"I worked in fucking factories and I didn't see guys leaving in ambulances as much as this fucking place"

[TonyBagels]

What is it about white people? They despise black people..can't wait to get browner. Hate Mexicans..can't wait to get darker. Maybe the thing is to have something in the summer to have black people get lighter. We'll meet in the future, in the middle

[CousinDave]

How does Paul O have a new girlfriend?

[Arch Stanton]

You know what Paulo? Why don't we get together and double team this girl of yours. I will even do the Ass Vagina thing, we lean back so our balls don't touch.

[Arch Stanton]

You know, I've been to the Badlands twice, once was to look over the edge, the other was during a Springsteen song.

[Arch Stanton]

Maybe, I get to the Sierra Mountains, do a Brokeback Mountain thing, suck on my fingers and shove them up some guys ass.

[Arch Stanton]

Ronnie B the River boat captian. Maybe time for a new start.
I've dined with Kings and Queens, dined with pork and beans.

[Arch Stanton]

You oughta do a play, The Iceman Cometh In My Face

We can do the fisting of a salesman

Glengary Glencunt is coming soon

[Arch Stanton]

This is the one thing I don't understand about God:

You can't make eyes that can last a lifetime?

[Arch Stanton]

When we do the Mosh Pit thing, lets not grab ass, let's try an be a little cool.

And I don't want to hear it's hot. It's Texas, I know it's hot. Then when it's over, we can have a Barbeque. Kill all the animals and have a Barbeque.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Porn.com, they've got everything. My thing is I like people with diseases.

[mybysigh]

Speaking of the Earl the Fainting Goat

"I would rather have him squirt ink out of his ass. Then the EMTs wouldn't need to be called."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Are you going to do the right thing? Or are you going to keep up the lie like when you said you were :rap:d by that team down South? "He wasn't :rap:d...he loved it."

[predators1998]

To Fez: You sound gayer now.

[TonyBagels]

(from a couple of days ago)

Dave: Eli does not play well against the Eagles.
Ron: Well...they tackle.

[LiddyRules]

I like a dog with a kerchief around its neck because it looks like he came back from a concert.

[NortonsHeiny]

On Fez being silent & writing notes..."It's like doing a show with Steven Hawking.."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Crazed's life..."I bet if Tony Robbins woke up tomorrow in Crazed's life he would fucking hang himself."

[NortonsHeiny]

Comparing Earls slight bump to the head that he is too pussy to handle.."This is what has me worried, is that every time something goes wrong Obama is going to faint."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ronnie talks about selling used cars in New Mexico to Indians & Mexicans "Let me tell you something Running Bear, you look fantastic in that convertable."

[NortonsHeiny]

Another job Ronnie considered...."I want to be the only caddy driving a caddy.."

[NortonsHeiny]

Don't know if this was funny to anyone else but I love hearing it...Ron yells to Earl "GET THE FUCK IN!"

[NortonsHeiny]

More to Earl the Faggot "You pass out like an English woman. An English woman from the heat..."

[NortonsHeiny]

To the faggoty fag Earl "Do me a favor go get a knife and stab me in the kidneys so I can respect you. Stab me to death and the last thing I will do is look you in the eyes and say congratulations you are a man."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells a black caller who referenced some 80's Ice T or Cube or whatever movie "Hey Word to your moms I came drop to bombs.."

[NortonsHeiny]

From the midnite show when Dave was pretending he could ever pull off being a teacher and asks the "class" who won the Civil War Ron responds "Well judging from Earl today I think we can all agree that both sides lost."

[krisko]

Talking about Mooch and Pixie's gift registry

Fez: If Target's what they want then it should be fine. A $25 target gift card sounds special.

Ron: If that happens I'm going to beat you to death with a hammer.

[FAZ8218]

Prince Harry on the phone with this grandmother:
"I gotta go grandma, ok, God save you... bye"

[KNUCKLEUP]

Re: Supervolcano

Ron: "Everything will be wiped out... and those who aren't will be frozen... and the rest will be eating their babies."
Dave: "...well I'm not going to eat my baby!"
Ran: "Can I have some?"

[Charlie Bats]

You should start eating pork again, Fez. And by pork I mean the guy in your ass.

[NortonsHeiny]

Re: Supervolcano

Ron: "Everything will be wiped out... and those who aren't will be frozen... and the rest will be eating their babies."
Dave: "...well I'm not going to eat my baby!"
Ran: "Can I have some?"

Another Super Volcano Line where Dave states only Eskimos will be safe.."We'll then be stuck with cold pussy"

[stardog]

From Todays show:

Ron talking about Fez's christmas gift of a towel warmer.

Ron: What did the card say, "Fuck you Fuck stick"

[Garyisajoke]

On Fez's shitty Christmas gift, the Towel Spa:

"Do I seem too dry?"

[TonyBagels]

1-8

Ron: Deb says that gay is a state of mind. I say it's a state of cock.
Fez: What state is that?
Ron: Florida. Look at the way it's shaped. And look what's dripping down all over Cuba. I call that Cum West. I call it the Florida Cums, not the Florida Keys. And what I'd like to see is somebody go down, stroke Florida, along the Gulf Shore, and see if it doesn't point out, towards Bermuda. And then my friend, we'll know if we're a gay country. You, Fezzie, grew up in the dick of the UNited States.
Fez: I didn't realize that.
Ron: You realize.

[TonyBagels]

1-8

Dave I want to point out something to you: You're really bad at production.

[TonyBagels]

1-8 , about boys not choosing 'ports and storms'

Fez: Maybe they're just a bit choosier.
Ron: Yes, gay.

[TonyBagels]

1-8

If you look at the Boy Scouts. They're like, well we don't want gays. But they're like 12 years old. People say, who's to say if they're gay or not. I'll tell you who...me. I'm the one who makes the decisions for The United States of America. What I'd really like is a stamp.

[TonyBagels]

1-8, about the Paltalk cam

Ron: Should it be a constant close-up?
Fez: Yeah, focus right on my mouth!
Ron: How many times have we heard that? By focus he means cum, and by mouth, he means ass.

[Sack of Chisels]

If you had to ask most people to name 3 golfers, they would say "Tiger Woods and the 2 white guys he crushed"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Not only could I never be with my own sister, I don't even think I could be with a nun

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
If I had your brain, the scream that you would here from me. The crazy sick thoughts pinging back and forth...AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ron: (to Fez) "Are you going to keep up 'elect' part after the inauguration?"
Fez: I may keep up the 'elect' just as a dig at him!"
Ron: "Hey!"

~ white people are so scared... of black people... ~

Fez: "Dig! Dig!"

~ white people-- white people are so scared... of black people... ~

[KNUCKLEUP]

Dave: "...Billy Bean--"
Ron: "Billy Bean is not my lover, she's just a girl who thinks that I'm the one..."

[KNUCKLEUP]

Re: Obama's inauguration:

Ronnie: "I'd be listening more to Jay Z than I would any of these preachers... because at least he'd come up with his own shit... well, not all his own shit because he samples. I'd be like, 'Jay Z? Yeah, the Gin and Juice guy,' because I think every rapper did Gin and Juice cause I can't get over the 90's. I don't know why Obama can't come out to this song."

['Gin and Juice' plays]