Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[Budyzir]

To Dave:
If I had your brain, the scream that you would here from me. The crazy sick thoughts pinging back and forth...AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!

That one totally cracked me up at work.

Yes it did!

[livebackwards]

Today, 1-13:

Ron: I guess everybody was mad at Obama because he had a preacher at the inauguration.
Fez: Yeah, it’s Rick Warren, another famous anti-gay person, giving the invocation to start the inauguration ceremony.
Ron: What’s his last name?
Fez: Rick Warren.
Ron: Damn, I thought it was Warrant. I really was hopin’ Warrant was gonna be there. If they came out and did “Cherry Pie”, the nation would lose it.

[thefirebuilds]

"anywhere you live people are living with natural disasters - Cold and flooding in the midwest, hurricanes in Florida. Fires in the west... New York: Blacks and Puerto Ricans." - Ron Bennington

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While talking about baby Adolf Hitler being taken away

Ron: This happened to my cousin's kid too
Fez: Really??
Ron: Yeah, his name was Chinky Nocock...and they took him away because of the name

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You believe a lot of things are real. You only found out Superman wasn't real 3 years ago

[thefirebuilds]

"That is the absolute worst thing you can say about another man" - Ron

"No, that's perfectly natural" - Fez

"gggggjjjjjjjjlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllehhhhh hh" - Ron

[thefirebuilds]

Taco Shells are so cheap Mexicans use them as standard food!

[KickToTheUterus]

Ron to a caller from Laredo, TX : The thing about down there in Laredo is it's not so much the heat but the stupidity.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Rock/Metal Trivia w/ Eddie Trunk. Caller had a trivia question re: Kiss.

Ron: "I have a quick Kiss question: 'Why?'"

[Sack of Chisels]

"The last real American man, Jim Morrison. Since then it's been all vagina's with guitars.......... Eddie Trunk might disagree though"

[MilkmanDan]

(Playing "Jungle Boogie")
Ron : Let me tell you this Earl, if Obama doesnt come out to this somethings wrong.

[Arch Stanton]

I recommend that Sirius/XM have a Tarrantino Movie Music Channel

[Arch Stanton]

I just want Tarantino to send me a mix tape

[TonyBagels]

(as Al Green is playing)

I wish black people would get themselves back together and just fuckin' sing, instead of rhyming.

[TonyBagels]

1-8 special, to a caller who thinks her husband might be cheating

Dave: Your East Dave Husband has a 5" cock.
Ron: Where're you measuring from, your asshole?

[Arch Stanton]

Is it true when I said:

Hey suck and fuck with Chuck and Buck?

[TonyBagels]

Ron: You know what I'd like, you stay over at Ant's house. He'll put a fuckin' hole in the back of your head. He'll do it for me. You know, you wouldn't be able to have an open casket. Even if he shot you in the knee, it wouldn't be an open casket.

[TonyBagels]

(about Fez's folks being shocked at the announcement)

This is going to be their Godfather toll booths

[Arch Stanton]

If you had a secret crush, would you hug everyone else in the room, and not the one you have the crush on?

[KNUCKLEUP]

Fez: "It's practically a cannon with a trigger!"
Ron: "Yo!"

~ ...white people are so scared... of black people... ~

Fez: "Trigger! Trigger!"

~ ...white people are so scared... of black people... ~

Ron: "If we're going to be accepting of you, you need to be accepting of Earl. ...(softly) Faggots, Faggots."

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Anything for Gary Spivey?
FEz: No, nothing for Gary Spivey
Ron: That's odd cause I'm straight as can be, and I would do him in a heartbeat.

[TonyBagels]

(about Chad Johnson)

BY the way, he should change his name to Chad Ocho Catches.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Alright, I was listening to O&A today..and they do something, Fez, that I want us to steal.
Fez: What's that?
Ron: Interaction

[TonyBagels]

1/8 special show

Fez (writing) - Feels like I'm locked in my own mind.
Ron - Now THAT's a confined space.

[TonyBagels]

1/8 special show

Can you imagine the fuckin' tabloid frenzy that's gonna be around this show: 'Crazy, Maniac Show!'; and hopefully: 'Black Producer Stabbed to Death!'

[TonyBagels]

1/8 Special Show, after Dave's mock baseball play-by-play

That's your number one dream job...and you blow at it!

[TonyBagels]

1/8 Special Show, Anthony was cleaning his guns on Paltalk

Dave: It's like a bazooka mixed with a machine gun!
Ron: Where'd he have to go to pick that up, the future!?

[TonyBagels]

Taco Shells are so cheap Mexicans use them as staple food!

fixed for accuracy

[TonyBagels]

yesterday, about the anticipation about things we liked as a kid becoming movies, playing off of comic book movies

I can't wait for Hide & Seek: The Movie!

[TonyBagels]

yesterday, about yelling at Blue Jays fans in Dunedin

I would go out to spring training games and yell, "You guys blow!"..and then fuckin' '93 happened..and it was the worst thing ever. All I could think was, 'Getty Lee must be fuckin' happy'.

[TonyBagels]

yesterday, to Fez

Next time you call me...when you dial my number...throw the phone in the river.

[TonyBagels]

yesterday


Dave: Well, the producers...
Ron: First of all, you can get sued for calling yourselves 'producers'.

[TonyBagels]

yesterday, to Fez

Fuckin' George Bush got better information, before the Iraq War, than I get from you.

[TonyBagels]

yesterday, while evaluating M. Knight Shamalan's movies

Ron: Have you seen this Lady In The Water?
Fez: No
Ron: It has to be the second worst movie ever made.
Fez: What's the worst?
Ron: The Happening...that other piece of shit he just released.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Look, you don't want to be your age and say you've done nothing.
Fez: Oh dear God!

[TonyBagels]

The only way we get wisdom in life: FAILURE!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So now Kate Hudson has said that she'll take her clothes off, lean back, spread...and show her clit.
ESD: Use an anal dildo?
Ron: Yeah, as long as it works for the movie...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I actually had a screenplay called "Fun with Kate Hudson's Vagina." It was so good, I was masturbating while I wrote it

[NortonsHeiny]

Speaking about his gift from Fez..."Why don't you get the vibrating finger so I can sit with it and play with my pussy?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Again on the hot towel gift..."If I was at the mens room at the 21 club I would like a nice moist towel handed to me by Earls uncle. In my own home I prefer dry towels."

[NortonsHeiny]

From an Ashley Madison read..."Does it cost to pull out?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl this isn't going very well. Why don't you just say "I Quit" and be done with it?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Because Earl's leaving, does that mean that Pitzy's coming back?
Ron: No...we don't bring anyone back. We're just hoping that Dave makes the next announcement.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I swear to God, it's like I have echos in here...just they say the wrong thing.

[happytypinggirl]

1-16 backstage with ron and fez show-- Ron to Mikeboy about his wife.

I dont think she likes too much about me. I bet she looks at me like some wives look at a golfcourse.

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: Fez, if you died, would I be able to tell the secret?
Fez: I'll go ahead and say yes.
Ron: I'll tell ya what.. if Saturday doesn't happen, consider a contract out on your life with Ronnie B.

[GrammatonCleric]

On Earl's supposed retirement:

. . . well folks it's the end of an error.

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron complaining it's hot in the studio and requests "see if O&A did a funny joke by leaving open fires around here somewhere"

[Sack of Chisels]

..The local newspaper down there.. I think it's called the "Daytona Reacharound"..

[NortonsHeiny]

Commenting on a Bronx Johnny call about long seduction vs. one night stand.."Is there such a thing as a long seduction in the east coast barrios?"

[NortonsHeiny]

During a live read for Porn.com..."Dont make the mistake I did a get it backwards and go to 81.com......Beanie was there."

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking to Dave when he for some reason was confused by female genitalia and why his wife does not blow through tp..."Take a health class."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Earl strolls through the studio in a WW 2 Helmet..."Was there such a comic strip called Beetle Worthless?"

[RMPGP]

IN Earl voice: "Please stand still while I measure your shoulders" "Now it's time for my favorite the inseam."

"Now it's time for my favorite, the inseam." "Now if you just stand still here please, I don't know how to use the cash machine"

[NortonsHeiny]

Commenting on Tiger Woods being the most famous person in the world..."If you asked someone to name three golfers they would Tiger Woods and two white guys he crushed..."

[twotoes]

About men not wanting to make decisions:

Arch: There are men out there llike that.
Ron: I'm partners with one.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave, you look like Alfalfa as an axe murderer, which in fact, he was one.

[Arch Stanton]

Your missing this at home, but I am doing antlers with my hands

[Arch Stanton]

Very hard to find a very hot chick that is extremely sexual.

[Arch Stanton]

About Sheepy not eating the Sunday bloody Sunday:

Dave: I would shove that thing right up his fart box.
Ron: You want me to shove things up his ass?

[FlavoredCaulk]

"If I was a snake I'd love to fall asleep because I got no hands"

[TonyBagels]

Anybody could OD if they stayed at the party long enough

[Arch Stanton]

To Nicco:
So, you took her home in a cab after she threw up drunk. Did you sit next to her with your finger in her vag?

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I met a woman at Ashley Madison .com and banged her with her baby screaming in the background, she had a high fever. The thing is if we knew, we could have gotten her to the Hospital in time.
Fez: Well, was there a happy ending?
Ron: Yeah, I came

[Arch Stanton]

WHat would you do if you were drunk and you got a call that your brother was in a car accident? You gotta maintain.

If the President wants to have a couple of cocktails, maybe half a roofie, so what.

[Arch Stanton]

To Earl on the Phone, after show meeting:

You what Earl, let's meet at the Restaurant where we first kissed.

[Arch Stanton]

I saw Sheepy huggin Barbb for 20 mins. You know what I said? I love it when two chicks kiss.

[Sack of Chisels]

My parents thought I was a serial killer...... I killed 3 kids in the neighborhood.. but I even said to them "I'm done! get off my back, I'm not gonna do it again!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Aretha Franklin comes on stage to sing America the Beautiful
Ron: I love her...I'd put a bow on her head and just fuck her.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Opie: Lots of tears out in the audience
Ron: Yeah, you should see it at my Dad's house.

[FlavoredCaulk]

(About Michelle Obama's dress)

It looks like those inner-city prom pictures they send around the internet...and I'm being kind when I say "inner-city"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Let me tell you about Dave MacDonald's parents...they had 3 wonderful sons. Then they pushed it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Yeah, my brother Mark. What an asshole
Ron: Was he the last one?
ESD: Umm...no. I was.
Ron: Thanks. Afterbirth.

[krisko]

Dave as Fake Sarah Palin: Deep fried turkeys, 4.3 40's, the American people don't need confusing fractions

Ron as Fake Barack Obama: Here's a fraction for you, fuck you.

Dave: That's not a fraction, as far as I know.

Ron: Yes it is, it's half of two fuck-you's


:haha7::haha7:

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I was walking to work today on 126st...
Fez: Why were you up there?
Ron: And you could feel it, people eating Chicken and Waffles, lots of syrup...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

<Ron kicks out Bearded Paul McCartney for the 4th time>
Ron: Fuckin' hate Paul McCartney. What was I talking about?
Fez: You were talking about how your grandmother....
Ron: Oh yeah, some old lady died.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Believe me, the last thing that disgusts me about a cock is if it's black or not.

[Arch Stanton]

Sheepy, do you know it takes more muscles to masturbate then to smile?

[NortonsHeiny]

Aretha Franklin comes on stage to sing America the Beautiful
Ron: I love her...I'd put a bow on her head and just fuck her.

Ron follows that up with "The giant bow takes the eyes off of her fat gut."

[livebackwards]

1-19:

Fez: Lily Tomlin and Slash are in a fight over whether or not these elephants belong in a zoo.
Ron: Well that's gotta be the stupidest fuckin fight of all time.

[livebackwards]

1/20 (during the insufferable poem following Obama's speech)

Boy, the Japanese had it figured out with their short poems. A fuckin' haiku would help everybody out right now.

[KNUCKLEUP]

On people's use of Bluetooth headsets in public:

"I like to play a little game called 'Crazy or Bluetooth'."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I want to see a website called Uh Oh I'm Chinese.com] (http://www.uhohimchinese) where the guy had no idea he was Chinese until he dropped his pants.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)
Your fantasy is this, Beanie, while she's breast feeding you, jacks you off.

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"This is what you do in Tampa, go to the beach, get on a boat, snort coke, and bang chicks who say they're 18, even though you know they're not. And you know why, heat plus humidity. It makes you a fucking beast."

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez I'm looking at your cellphone and its all just pics of cocks and balls.

Fez : Well thats just what they send.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Shirley Phelps Roper: I always thought this was some sort of fag-show!
Ron: It's a half-a-fag show!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I was going to get HTG to come in and discuss her complaints. And she declined
Fez: Really why?
Ron: The chair! <pat, pat, pat>
Fez: That's...that's just you patting your face

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You can get a chair!
<pussy noises>

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Where were we?
Fez: The Mikey D Sit-Down
Ron: Ew. That's on your face.

[NortonsHeiny]

When Eddie Trunk visited he asked the trivia question of which band was supposed to take the Lynard Synard plane that crashed Ron answered "I'm going to hope the Eagles?"

[NortonsHeiny]

The day after all of the Balls "Shakira believe me I know your hips don't lie...."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks Dave "What did you comb your hair with a fish today?"

[NortonsHeiny]

After Pepper confesses he ratted on his room mate about tossing used condoms out of the window & Fez says he wishes they were DNA tested..."If it would have come up positive for Jack Daniels we know who it would have belonged to."

[CousinDave]

"Live on a Friday"

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron singing Pearl Jam to Daves new baby)

Ron : Well Iiiiiii I just shit my pants...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Todd is a fine name!
Ron: You'll get made fun of
Fez: Yeah, you'll hear Odd Todd...Toad
Ron: Faggot.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Big A's a jew? I thought he was Italian
Ron: Yeah, he's a very proud juh-juh-juh-juh-Jew

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Believe in Jesus, Moses whatever. It's all just really expensive LARP-ing

[Arch Stanton]

About Chick who paid cab fair with i-pod:

You know what I do when I hail a cab? First thing I do is pull out a sawbuck and say keep the change.

[Arch Stanton]

Porn.com read:
Fez: Camel toe hoes.com
Ron: Yeah, that is where the chicks wear the pants so tight, it looks like a camel toe down there.

[livebackwards]

1/23

Ron: When I say Baby, you say Boy, BABY!
Fez: BOY!
Ron: BABY!
Fez & Dave: BOY!
Ron: Aw, that is a great fuckin' name.

[NortonsHeiny]

From Earls last show...."It's the end of an error....And by that I mean E R R O R."

[NortonsHeiny]

Discussing movies that may have men cry Fez says he cried at Rudy to which Ron asks, "What the after school special?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave: "My dad would take us to the opera."

Ron: "And do what, blow you?"

[NortonsHeiny]

While the Psycodelic Furs music is playing..."This sounds like every 80's album which should all be called Hey Don't we sound like Bowie?"

[NortonsHeiny]

On animals in zoos being sedated..."Of course they do, if they don't the Polar Bear will tears off his arms off and fuck him."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Anthonys "sick day," "I don't want the Opie and Patrice Show"

[NortonsHeiny]

When the Nicco the intern for some reason cant make his way to Rhode Island to get laid when has no one single other option..."If I had a chance to get pussy in Rhode Island I would find a way to grow wings out of my ass and fly there. I would be a hovering hard on."

[NortonsHeiny]

On living my dream life of not having to work on anything "I'm surprised I wasn't born with roller skates for feet that is how much I want to slide..."

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"I don't make fun of war heroes, well except for Patton."

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron on mowing the lawn at 8 years old..

I used to turn it sideways and try to cut our hose into fucking pieces. My dad would say "what happened to the hose?", and I would go like this "I think black kids are comin' around.." I'd always give him that angle.

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez makes a Brutus Beefcake joke
"What'd ya do, make a funny joke from 1987?.... well let's get in a time machine and try to get a laugh outta that thing!"

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

On not being able to to the Super Bowl show, "sometimes it feels like the empire won."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: All my knowledge is just leaking out of my ears
Ron: And the cum...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You wake up in a Chelsea elevator again?
Fez: No!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Where have you been? What have you been up to?
Fez: Oh nothing...just hanging out, meeting new friends
Ron: You're coming in here with love-bites....

[twotoes]

Ant is nothing but class. He's a walking pinky ring.

[Charlie Bats]

Maybe you want to be with a Korean woman; you look over at your wife, she's not Korean. That's not her fault.

[TonyBagels]

(about Sully)

I heard he didn’t even have an engine problem. He had a bet that he could land a plane in water.

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : I love the fact that in NY someone can bring a cheeseburger to your door at 3am!

Ron : That's disgusting.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: If you don't like getting molested, how are you going to cum?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Mafia Life Chris: If I were gay, I would tell you!
Ron: Did you just wink?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So who spoiled her?
Mafia Life Chris: French Bread Pizza
Ron: Okay...so Frenchie is a bad mom.

[the max]

dave: "i pissed on the bus the other day."
ron: "let me just say this: i hate this show."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about where the hell the Arizona Cardinals fans are...

Ron: They're sitting at home, wondering what the hell happened to John McCain & if they hear Mexicans running through their driveway

[Jimmy's Dignity]

About Obama rooting for the Steelers...

Ron: He looked at the camera and said, "Black coach..." then winked

[transit grinder]

To Dave and Fez when they were talking about Jessica Simpson gossip:

Ron: Hold on, the lunch lady says if we don't order right now we have to go back to History class.

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

On Fez's hair not growing, "I'd love to have you examined, to see if your human."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I got my mom, all my aunts, and my grandmother...I don't know if they'll be alive by Valentine's
Fez: But that's just in two weeks!
Ron: Yeah..it's Friday. They're having fish...

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"Geno's, please. Place looks like a fucking whore house."

[TonyBagels]

Fez: I put ketchup on my hot dogs.
Ron: I can't even..you know who does that, children.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'd like to thank Anthony & ____ from Canada, who brought me these illegal Cuban cigars. The rest of the audience did not bring shit, so please stand up, grab your jackets, and you'll be escorted from the studio by the same people who checked you through metal detectors.

[TonyBagels]

(to Crazy Jen)

Well, I'm not sure..because, honestly, I don't speak Oxycontin. So, I'm not sure what you're trying to say.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Crazy Jen: Ronnie, I'm not like Lady Trucker, am I?
Ron: No honey, I can't wait until you hang up

[Sack of Chisels]

<Ron reads an email from somebody that gets Dave riled up discussing potentially cheating on myspace.>

"and by the way, this reads "From Casey"

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron: "Oh wait Lady Trucker is calling in...Lady Trucker?"

Lady trucker :"Good After..."

Ron: <click>

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"I been doing comedy since you were shitting green, and I'll be doing comedy when you're retired."

[dilznick101]

It's the same thing. That's like saying:

"Are you from America?"

"No, I'm from Delaware."

It's the same fucking thing

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Seriously, rather than watch you hump the air, I'd rather shove a dildo in my ass

[LiddyRules]

From Ashley Madison Live Reads:

*about Lot's wife turning into salt*
"Some corn, some butter, rub it in Lot's wife. When someone asks "How's your corn" you can say "I like it. ... I like it a lot." And then we all laugh."

"Ashley Madison.com because we don't believe in mythology. Life is short. Why not get out there and fucking slam it."

"You scream "Oh my god, my best friend had a heart attack!" Then you leave down the house, go down side streets, and meet some skank you met over the internet in a back alley. Then you fuck her right there. Right on the trash compactor. When you finish, you look at her with such hate and anger because she made you break your vows. Then you spit at her. You go back home and sleep on your couch silently, thinking "what have I done? I love my family.""

[livebackwards]

2/02:

(at the end of the teddy bears live read)
Ron: All we ever want in life is to see people meet, to see people hook up, see them get married and have a long, loving relationship. That’s all this show cares about. Even Steven, you’re on the Ron & Fez show.

Even Steven: Ronnie B. you’re a genius.

Ron: Thank you.

Even Steven: Hey, I picked up this chick on AshleyMadison.com, her old man, he’s like 45 or something, late 40’s, she’s like 23 years old, she’s just now learning how to cum, she’s been married to this guy…

Ron: Yeah. I’ll tell you this, I’m proud of you, Steven. Let’s face it, life is not a stupid teddy bear. You’ve gotta get out there and get yours. You’re like a shark in the water, and what do sharks eat? They eat pussy. They’re just going from pussy to pussy to pussy. Now, if another shark has some pussy, guess what you do. You attack and take it. AshleyMadison.com: it’s warfare for your cock. AshleyMadison.com. Morality doesn’t matter, Fez. Marriage vows don’t matter. What matters is that you keep going from place to place.

[livebackwards]

2/02:
(Dave is getting all his hair shaved)
Dave: I think I got my Hitler (mustache) now.
Fez: Well I know you have one down below.
Ron: Ohhh God, you… I don’t know if I can do this show with you anymore.
Fez: What?!
Ron: Because it used to be funny when it was not real!

[livebackwards]

2/03:

Tell you what then, let's have Jennifer Hudson lip-synch the national anthem, then a couple kids come out and play Madden, and that'll be the fuckin' Super Bowl.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: When we were growing up our teacher would pull our loose teeth
Ron: Down south she was probably your dentist too!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm learning that so much of what I do is awful.

[MilkmanDan]

(About Fez's Porn.com readings)

Ron : Your a good little soldier arent you?

Fez : Well I try to be professional.

Ron : IT'S PORN.COM Hey Guys come on over and Ron and I will blow you!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I don't know why I depend on you Davey Mac. It just doesn't work.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I look at that Julianna; I don't see a bad baby, I see a bad person
ESD: But she's only 7-9 months old!
Ron: It's just the ego and the selfishness...

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: This song gets me evertime. Does it get anyone else?
Ron: No, because it stinks

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It's so anonymous Fezzie, that it's almost the internet equivalent of a glory hole.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: When I go past a sports bar, I think: Are those the type of people that would accept Fez, or not? 'Cause if they're not, I'll kill them.
Fez: Thank you. That's nice of you.
Ron: Whatever.

[TonyBagels]

(discussing Fez crying to a song {Hello by Neil Diamond})

this is Fez at 12:30 {plays Goodbye Horses}

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: Whoever dates me is gonna have to have night goggles
Ron: Whoever dates you is gonna need beer goggles
Fez: RUDE and RUDE!!!

[TonyBagels]

(Goodbye Horses playing)

Fez: Whoever dates me is going to have to have night goggles.
Ron: Whoever dates you is going to have to have beer goggles.

[nenslow]

Ron talking about doctors:

'Whenever I see one of them, I throw a brick.'

[TonyBagels]

(about sweetest day)

Caller: Yeah it's an Ohio tradition.
Ron: First of all, the only tradition that should be in Ohio is losing the championship game.

[TonyBagels]

what am I supposed to do, put this fuckin' date in my date planner. Do you think if I was fuckin' organized, I'd have wound up where I am?

[TonyBagels]

(about relationships)

Fez: But is it healthy?
Ron: Are you the one that's unhealthy? Yes, you have the stent work to prove it and the bald head.

[TonyBagels]

(about Fez's shaved head)

I like to come to work and pretend that I work with a talking egg.

[TonyBagels]

(about Fez's future relationship)

Why don't we get two Vermont Teddy Bears, tape them together, butt fuckin'. He'll get the point. What about this, we send the bear over there sucking a Popsicle, with a note attached saying, 'I wish this was your dick.'

[TonyBagels]

(to fez about the Neil Diamond song)

I know you're an ass eater, because you have a taste for shit.

[TonyBagels]

(about larping as a vampire)

Ahhhh, we're vampires. Why don't you suck the blood from my balls.

[TonyBagels]

Caller: Hey guys. I do civil war reenactments. Does that make me a larper?
Ron: Oh definitely. You're a larper.
Caller: Awww
Ron: If you had to find out now that you're not cool...

[TonyBagels]

Softball players are larpers. You're pretending you're a major leaguer.

[TonyBagels]

(porn.com live read)

That's where I'm going to do my larping. I'm gonna jack off and pretend that I'm with a beautiful women.

[thefirebuilds]

on valentine's day:

"If this day is important to you then you have to fucking remind us. If we have a meeting around here all we do is remind each other or else we wander off like fucking baby ducks. What do I look like, like I got some kinda Day Planner? You think if I was organized this is where I would have end up?"

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I didn't see that movie
Ron: Why, oh yeah, it wasn't a comic.

[Arch Stanton]

About Carrot Top:
He fills a trailer with all his props. His problem is figuring out how to get to the next gig.

[Arch Stanton]

You think it's free speech to write over someone elses stuff?
Hey Fez, let me write on your sneakers.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Fez, you never would laugh at a cancer joke?
Fez: No
Ron: How about this. Hitler had ass cancer.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: My 5 best friends are any 5 guys who aren't Dave.

[TonyBagels]

2-3, after a very confused caller

Why did I go off on the callers yesterday. They're the best. Better than any others before.

[TonyBagels]

2-3, to Californian caller

Alright, Mike, you built your house on a fuckin' line that can open up and lead right to hell, and we're the retards?

[TonyBagels]

2-3

Caller: Fez can agree with me. The greatest Super Bowl ever, Tampa vs Raiders.
Ron: Where are you calling from, Sarasota?

[TonyBagels]

2-3

Ahh, we talked about California, we talked about Jersey, but the greatest place to live is the 70's. Here's Blowhard

[TonyBagels]

2-3, caller from Arizona

Caller: Today's a high of 82. We have no tornadoes here. No Earthquakes. Just a beautiful place to live.
Ron: Yes it is, and in another 2 months, you won't be able to go outside for 7 months.

[TonyBagels]

2-3

Fez: Well it reminds me of when Russel Crowe throwing the phone in the guys face.
Ron: Well..the fuckin' phone didn't work.

[TonyBagels]

2-3, about Iceland

P-Hicks - Didn't the economy just collapse there and there's riots everywhere?
Ron: Well, their version of riots, drunk people head-butting one another.

[TonyBagels]

2-3, Iceland having the first openly gay head-of-state

First of all, openly gay and Iceland, just means you're from Iceland. Because guys are out there drinking and taking one of those hot fuckin' baths together.

[NortonsHeiny]

When Ron would run the hose over with the lawn mower as kid and his dad questioned him "I don't know, I think black kids are running with it."

[NortonsHeiny]

On childhood sports coaches, "I'm calling you coach and I happen to know for a fact you work for Sun Oil."

[NortonsHeiny]

From an Ashley Madison read "When you fuck any fish in the sea you can tear a nut off, they're scaly."

[NortonsHeiny]

A caller suggests shaving Fezs back on Monday, Ron tells her "We don't have that kind of time. First of all we can't use the word shave we have to use the word shear when we start talking about Whatleys body."

[livebackwards]

2/05:

Ron: My mother, she wants me to get on J-Date, meet a nice Jewish girl, I tell her I can't.
Dave: Why not?
Ron: Ahhh, I already got a chick and kids.

[NortonsHeiny]

From fridays ARF show (my version of the Ant, Ron, Fez show) "You tune into O&A at 6am and you can hear hair drying."

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking to Fez about the Neil Diamond song that makes him cry "Is there a line in there if I told you how I feel you would never stop throwing up because your straight?"

[NortonsHeiny]

From Fridays ARF show to Ant.."You like Hitler movies except for the last 15 minutes."

[NortonsHeiny]

Also from ARF when Ant tells Dave he took a John Wayne long shot from the Jamesons bottle "Yea but John Wayne didn't have a puckered vagina face after taking a shot."

[NortonsHeiny]

To HTG on guys sticking up for one another.."Guy Code? I say to her if your pissed off at him you should fuck one of his friends."

[NortonsHeiny]

More guy code..."Want to get even with him...you should suck my cock."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ant asks Ron what is wrong with the guy in the XM office who picks food from the trash.."I don't know I think he has some kind of silver poisoning."

[NortonsHeiny]

From an Ashley Madison Read.."Well Fez it's just like the Barbara Streisand song People who have sex with other people are the luckiest people in the world."

[TonyBagels]

after opening the character door to Walt Gran Torino Kowalski

I think I know your brother, Pete Pinto Kowalski.

[TonyBagels]

(about texting)

What do you do, put an 8, and then those lines, and then a greater than symbol, to make a cock. So you send it to your friends and say this is what I want to do to you.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You can kiss your first-cousin as long as you say it's "practice."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Real quick, do you guys get paid for the work you do? 'Cause I'm going to just call you "The Bandits."

[TonyBagels]

After I die, I want you guys to call me a hero. And on my headstone I want you to put: He was a greater hero than anyone else taht ever lived. He was a bigger hero than those 9-11 people..and the troops

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Obama can't get a break from black people...they were so upset that his wife didn't wear FUBU to the inauguration.

[TonyBagels]

Caller: I just came back from a 6 month deployment, so it's good to hear you guys again.
Ron: OK, well I'm also considered a hero. I'll have you know I returned a wallet from a cab.

[TonyBagels]

(sully)

What about this, why don't you miss a bird. If you're a great pilot, why fly into a flock of birds?!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Let me tell you, if I find a wallet...IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE, I ain't givin' that shit back.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

About the suckfest that is current Kid Rock...

Ron: Anytime there's an obituary, he's trying to pen a new song

[TonyBagels]

(about Will I Am)

Dave: He's over exposed.
Ron: And under talented.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I saw that your twink was wearing sunglasses...you better have not given him a fist of love. If you did, it's gotta be in the assssss

[TonyBagels]

About charlie Brown and Lucy

If she had pulled that football out when I was going to kick it, She would have had cleat marks on her face

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I got a pajama gram once and it was a little light. I was like, "Hey! I gotta get my own scale."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What do you guys do for Valentine's? "This time, you cum in my face!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Talking about Dave's awful skin...

Ron: You should live in the water like a fuckin' squid!

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave about his skin issues)

You should live under water like a fuckin' squid. You have skin that's not meant for the planet Earth

[Jimmy's Dignity]

from an ad...

Ron: There should only be 1 tradition in Ohio and that's losing a championship game!

[TonyBagels]

2-3, about Julianna laughing at recently shaved Dave

Well, she also thinks she's looking into a fun house mirror

[TonyBagels]

2-3

It's just weed. Just fuckin' stop it. It's like literally going out into your fuckin' backyard, pulling up some roots, and fuckin' smokin' it. It's no fuckin' better or worse for ya. Stupid, yes, but so is everything we fuckin' do in life. All we're really trying to do is kill a little time 'till our heart stops.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So you feel safer at my home than anywhere else. Let me tell you that my home is where you will one day be murdered.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron <in deep German accent>: Who is vis Anthony and vhy does he keep writing me, telling me that ve can do it better vis time?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron <still in deep German Accent>: I shall pound on zese hollow valls! I shall find this Annie Frank. Annie!! Annie!!! I've got struuudelllss!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron <in his German accent>: Vhy don't you just put down a Lox & Bagel...see if zat vill lure her out...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm...I'm not even really sure that my blog is online.

[TonyBagels]

2-1, Special show

Fez (to caller): You could say grey haired without throwing old in.
Ron: That hurt me too Fez. Ah, but here's the thing..at least you're still alive. And I lost money on that.
Fez: Who would you bet that with?!
Ron: Ah, your doctor...He gave me an over-under of two years.

[TonyBagels]

2-1, Fez not watching his diet any longer

Fez: No. I really just depend on pharmaceuticals to get me through.
Ron: well I've done that my whole life myself

[LiddyRules]

Ron: "Did we win or lose the Revolutionary War?"
Dave: "Won"
Ron: "Did we win or lose the War of 1812"
Dave: "Won"
Ron: "No, we lost, they kicked our ass."
Fez: "The White House burned."
Ron: "Then they left. It didn't make sense. But after the war was officially over, we beat them in New Orleans."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Let me tell you about another city that's completely overrun by Italians....Rome.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron & Fez decide to go outside because it's beautiful...some woman runs by jabbering in Spanish

Ron: En Englais por favor

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Excuse me ma'am, I'm Ron Bennington with XM Sirius Radio and we're conducting an experiment. Would you mind if I put this cigar in your baby's mouth?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

while out on the streets, they run into a buddy of theirs...

Ron: We work for SiriusXM
Gary Blum: For now...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Here comes a beautiful young woman walking by. Be careful young woman, spring is the :rap:-season

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron to Fez
"Atari came out in 1945 and there's a picture of 30 years old playing it."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You're afraid that your wife is hooking up with some of the Paltalk "winners."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I feel bad for my wife when she goes down on me
Ron: I feel bad for your wife having to have a conversation with you!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I feel sorry that she has to do it for free. I know what I go through here at work and I'm getting paid to deal with this

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: (Speaking for Casey) Oh, I'm so glad I'm fucking this other guy

* conversation about Dave being a nut paranoid with chicks*

[Arch Stanton]

About past appearance on OnA to Dave
:
So you met the guy from Guns and Roses, Duff, punched yourself in the cock, talked about your wife and daughter, saw he didn't want a banana and then asked to stick it up your ass?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: In another Ron & Fez Uncovered, we're learning the dirty secrets of military wives. And that is that they are all sluts & whores.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: My chick's parents are Sicilian...so whenever any of their kids got sick, they'd kill them before they could talk to the cops.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm sitting here only a few feet away from you, and there's only a slight hint of cum-breath
Fez: There is no cum-breath!!
Ron: Aww, I'm sorry. Bad night?

[Arch Stanton]

So, yesterday we offered a bottle of water to Alison Bayles and she said no, I will never drink a bottle of water and waste plastic.

Well, you see this bottle, I have had it for 16 years.

[TonyBagels]

2-1 about the acts that play in the parking lot of the Super Bowl

Normally that's country time. {in country singing voice} Well the devil went down to Georgia. I'm wearing a big ole hat.

[TonyBagels]

2-10, about the Beanie Cup

Ron: God rest her soul.
Dave: She's alive.
Ron: Huh!? Have you seen her lately?

[Arch Stanton]

I took a walk after dinner. Up and down Houston, up and down Houston your favorite Street.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron Benningtons Aids Cures is 98 to 99% Cupcake. I'm not gonna lie to you.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, you just did a live read and I have no idea what you were selling. What is this Carbonite? You stuttered, burped and stammered through the whole thing.

[Arch Stanton]

About Scruf giving his Mom gifts:

Scruffy, your Mom liked you as a kid because she didn't want you to grow up knowing you are hated.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Scruffy what're you gonna get your chick for valentines?
Scruffy : Well I made a box of little notes about things I like about her.
Ron : ..... Jesus christ. That is the worst idea ever, how about after your done with that you rub vaginas together?

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Scruffy's Valentine's Day Gift to his chick:

"What else does it say in this goddamn jar of shame?"

[BIV]

If Dave's not back in five minutes he's fired. That's why I let him have the day off, so I could make up rules while he's gone.

[NortonsHeiny]

From a Porn.com live read..."Lesbian Sex City it was huge hit for Guns & Roses in
the 90s."

[NortonsHeiny]

Another Porn.com read.."Good news Porn.com now accepts Jews."

[NortonsHeiny]

On the price of Van Morrison tickets..."For $350.00 I definately want him to play with my package."

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave comments that the Sex Pistols did have a reunion tour.."You know what was awful? The first Sex Pistols tour."

[transit grinder]

To Stalker Patty as she talked about John Lennon's death and how shaken she was during her morning bowling class:

"I've noticed it's so hard to mourn and pick up a spare."

[TonyBagels]

2-16 O&A Best-of AFRO Earl Fuck-ups, about O&A not having R&F on, so they can finish their space shuttle coverage annoying the .net fans

People don't understand that the less we're on the air, the happier we are. I want to get it down to a minute.

[TonyBagels]

2-16 O&A Best-of AFRO Earl Fuck-ups, after introducing the R&F "production staff"

Alright I can tell, my show is gonna suck.

[TonyBagels]

2-16 O&A Best-of AFRO Earl Fuck-ups, about gay colored shirts

Harry: So this is the last day for this shirt.
Ron: Stop. It's the last day for you. Who are you kidding?

[TonyBagels]

2-16 O&A Best-of AFRO Earl Fuck-ups, after introducing the R&F "production staff", to O&A

I noticed you have all the white guys. How late did we get here?

[TonyBagels]

2-16 O&A Best-of AFRO Earl Fuck-ups, after Earl's first fuck up

Opie: don't worry, I've got a short list of replacements for you.
Ron: Who's next, Son of Sam? What are you doing to us?

[TonyBagels]

suggesting new video games to Lazlow

What about Roadie? ...The last level is load-out. It's tough, but when it's done you feel good about yourself.

[Hudson]

wouldn't all of those be from previous lods?

[TonyBagels]

video games with Lazlow

Dave: I like to spank while playing video games.
Fez: Um..you also like to spank at Thanksgiving dinner.

[Sack of Chisels]

I tell ya, sometimes when I see what Americans are into, I just feel like "why can't a meteor hit this fucking place?"

[NortonsHeiny]

From last thursday when talking about using butter as a home remedy.."I used to do butter and a bump but that was my own thing."

[NortonsHeiny]

also from last Thursday when Fez was giving a high winds weather report.."I can go home and get my kite." followed up by "No one gets me here."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Valentines gifts given by Canadians..."You come back with a beaver pelt you're going to be fine."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks Patty "Where did you get hair cut? Weed wackers still?"

[NortonsHeiny]

After Patty asks who would want to shoot John Lennon, Ron simply states "Mark David Chapman, Mark David Chapman wanted to shoot Lennon."

[NortonsHeiny]

After Patty explained the origin of the song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds Ron tells her "I always thought it was Lucy in the sky with cold cuts."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron renames I want to Hold your Hand to "I want to Hold your still born baby."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Fez he went to "Foghorn Leghorn Senior High School"

[NortonsHeiny]

From one of the many Vermont Teddy Bair live reads "What did you say hand made? I thought they were ham made."

[NortonsHeiny]

From the O&A replay today when talking about Earls readiness to produce the first R&F show on XM, "I feel like I am on a train and I just watched the conductor have a heart attack."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Earl "I know Bojangles we're all with you."

[NortonsHeiny]

Commenting on Earls lack on enthusiasm for being executive producer "It's like I just pulled him over, he should be estatic."

[NortonsHeiny]

From todays show "And of course the man who fucked it all up.....Abe Lincoln."

[FAZ8218]

To Lily:
"As you can tell Fez has been going through chemo and has been doing great with it."

[Cromwell]

"I'd have to be trapped under rubble to tune in a radio station"! :)

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: They say that those who are abused grow up to being abusers. So what I would like to do, to get a law on the books, is to kill the abused before they grow up and abuse again

[Arch Stanton]

You know what they don't say about porn.com, but should? It's a great place to go and masturbate.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

during a Porn.com (http://www.Porn.com) live-read

Ron: I used to be on a Blow Patrol too...something completely different.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know how many people I have slept with that I wasn't attracted to? Most.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: Iv'e gotten 2 women pregnant....
Ron: What? You got 2 women pregnant? You do mean 1 women pregnant twice right? Is there an abortion in your past?

[Blue Heeler]

Ron: I remember telling this one girl, "turn your head, you're pretty hideous and I'm trying to stay hard."

[RobeSoup&Tears]

Why Woman pee sitting down:
"You squat and sit in your shame"
"Original Sin...that's what takes you so long."

[RobeSoup&Tears]

After slapping Daves bare back ((HARD)) while looking at his Sopranos tatoo.

Dave: "Why'd you do that?!?!"

Ron: "I thought I was being attacked by one of The Sopranos"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The only part of low self-esteem that turns me off is that there's still some self-esteem left.

[Arch Stanton]

There is a rumor that Telly Savales died masturbating to Porn.com.

[Arch Stanton]

I hear about this in and out burger in California, so when I went I had to try it, and I got this to say, Hardees...Hardees. They had a better Burger.

[Arch Stanton]

Post Show Meeting:
Fez: I have asked you guys (Dave and Pepper) to do this for me...
Ron: OK, now, in their defense, they were fucking around.

[DukeFett]

Post Show:
Dave: It's at FH Reilly's
Ron: What's FH stand for? Fuck hat?

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez & Dave express their interest in History channel's presentation of "Stealing Lincoln's Body"

Ron: "Fuck this show"

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez is worried about germs during sex acts

"You're going into a world, Fezzy, where "suck on my asspipe" is heard from time to time"

[TreeFortRichard]

Holy shit ronnie is a genius

"What is with the news people saying that the chimp 'turned on her'...They say 'you fed him filet mignon and lobster and it still turned on you...' ronnie then says "It didn't turn on her, it was being a wild animal, it's a fucking wild animal doing what it does...I could get a hot tub for a lion and feed it cheese popcorn and it's still going to eat a baby"


genius

[LiddyRules]

If history has proven anything, two things will snap at you no matter how nice you are to them: a monkey and an Italian.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez <in a gruff voice>: Hi, it's Oscar...the Oscar statuette
Ron: Oh it's Gran Turino!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Taylor Hansen...he was the talented one, the pretty one...
Ron: He's the one I accidentally masturbated to

[Jimmy's Dignity]

<rings the Character Door-bell>

Ron: Shh! Shhhh!!! <ding! ding! ding-dong!> Seriously, shhh!!!.........okay he left

[twotoes]

I'm drinking to forget my 7th grade problems.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: I thought your favorite website was SuicideBombers.com, ya muzzie bitch!
Ron: Alright...look, we know she's got some Muslim heritage. Did you cry on 9/11
Lilly: I got teary-eyed
Ron: Thinking about all those guys on the planes who died?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: She missed her flight!

[twotoes]

Ron: Lilly did you cry on 9-11?
Lilly: I did, ya i got teary eyed.
Ron: Because all those guys died on the planes?
Fez: 'Cause you didn't get to help?
Ron: 'Cause you missed your flight?

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, life changing event last night. Earl got me the ticket, Leornard Cohen! People 10 deep on Broadway to get a look at him.

During the show, has says, Hey, how's it going? And what is up with your partner? Ever gonna tell that secret?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I told them, "Yes. Obviously someone is going to kill Opie. But Fez & I are fine! We just live life."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While talking about Pitzy & Toothpick Vic's living arrangement...

Ron: Does she sneak down to the basement every once in a while and climb on your dick?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I don't know what it is about Italians...but they just want to be black.

[LiddyRules]

Ron: Carbonite! It can also help you stop Superman.
Fez: That's Kryptonite.
Ron *curious grunt*

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ron: "I'll tell you what... I was deep in the jungle, BLASTED on acid... and I had to take out my gun and shoot this tiger that started attacking me. I went back because I had to bring back its head when I realized I wasn't in the jungle, I was at the Philadelphia Zoo. ...and I realized it wasn't a tiger, it was a small child."

Dave: "Why did you have a gun at the zoo??"

Ron: "Protection. You know what I'm gonna do if I fall into that tiger pit. I'll start blasting."

Lilly: "...I thought the moral of the story was to not do drugs..."

Ron: "If you're a tiger, don't fuck with me."

[Sack of Chisels]

on Fez's towel spa christmas gift to Ron

I live in Manhattan, I don't have storage space, so I threw it in the fucking trash. I pissed on it, threw it in the trash, and then I wrote "to homeless people: don't even bother taking this"

[Sack of Chisels]

Pitzy: so we set a date for our wedding... September 24th, 2010.
Ron: 2010? That's far enough away for me to agree to!

[djeter220]

Danny's already 1-0 on us, He hit Earl so hard he retired.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Matthew Brodrick looks like someone fucked a Firestone tire!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Brad and Angelina stopped and adopted two more kids from the cast of Slumdog Millionaire on the way in
Ron: He'd be the luckiest kid ever. I'd breast-feed until I was 30!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Paul O: Now I've been very upset with my cable provider --
Ron: They want to be paid! Every month!

[Arch Stanton]

Normally I can't tell when a woman looks bad, but Kate Winslet usually looks so much better then that.

Queen Latifa is out classing her tonight.

[Arch Stanton]

Paul-o, congatulations for selling 15 copies of GAP on XM202.

[Arch Stanton]

Here's a fun factoid, East Side Dave's wife is 32 Months Pregnant. I don't know if she is gonna have the baby in a Hospital or a Garage.

She is gonna be in my new club, Third Trimester. Only chicks in their Third Trimester can get in.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, so your heavily going toward Melk. Sounds like you have a secret you want to share.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Loved having you in here tonight Op...soon as Anthony OD's, you're more than wanted back in here

[Arch Stanton]

Opie, thanks for coming in and hanging with us, it was great. And hey, when Ant OD's, you come right in here.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron throws cowbell at Fez.
Opie: Wow, that isn't radio magic, you really throw that cowbell at his head.
Ron; YEah, well, we don't have a special effects budget. Why don't you put that on your twitter.

[twotoes]

About Heath Ledger's wife and daughter accepting his award:

Ron: You have the little girl on the hip, with Joker make-up on and have her say, "My dad is so much better than Jack Nicholson."

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez what are you giving up for lent?

Fez : Not sure yet Ronnie

Ron : Let me guess, pussy ?

[twotoes]

Fez: Yes, I will be giving up something for lent.
Ron: Let me guess....pussy?

[TonyBagels]

2-16

If these stem cells are so good, put them on my pizza. I'll fuckin' sit around all day eating stem cell pizza.

[TonyBagels]

2-16, red head discussion

They teach a class at Penn Law School called: How To Set Up Redheads and Have Them Arrested.

[TonyBagels]

2-16

Ron: Everyone knows what good buddies E-Rock and I are. Do you know his real name?
Dave: No, I don't.
Ron: Why don't you find out. And when you do, let me know.

[TonyBagels]

2-16, about Harry Potter books

Ron: I read the first few books. Then I put it down and said, "I can't be a part of a national craze." So you know what I'm reading now?
Fez: What?
Ron: Twilight

[TonyBagels]

All of the retarded kids love Ozzy. And I was explaining this to Eddie Trunk. If you have a kid that you might have a question about, play Ozzy or Sabbath. If he loves it, put him on the short bus.

[twotoes]

Ron: I have a new game show that Fez could host...."Would You Cum On Her Tatoo."

[TonyBagels]

I had sex right up to almost the point where my kids were born and sometimes I even called my wife and said, "Hey, Wish you were here."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: A vegetable isn't food! "I'm having a faux turkey!" Fuck you, no you're not!

[LiddyRules]

"Cumaden...that's where Anthony spends his afternoons."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

When guessing the # of guys Casey's been with...

Ron: I'm going to go a little bit high...74.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Alright, I won't tell you. I know the number and it's going to the grave with me. But from now on every time I'm sitting here watching you smile, I'll know that I can just destroy it in a heartbeat.

[LiddyRules]

*Ashley Madison*

"Go to Chuck-E-Cheese, put the kids in a ball pit, take the chick to the men's room, *knock knock knock*, walk out with her and say 'Here's your mom, I'm through with her.'"

"You don't have to follow any vows you made before God. Make your own angels now."

[TonyBagels]

(about Chelsea friends not caring about sexual partner numbers), to Fez

Well you're gonna come in as a prize, down there, won't you tight ass.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: I want it for the play 3 tonight.
Ron: Is there a play 4?
Fez: Yes there is
Ron: Okay, I'll give you the number

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: No it was almost as if it felt like I was making up a story!
Ron: The story is called "The 300 Pound Virgin"

[Arch Stanton]

Post Show....Dave wants Helocopters to replace his bus commute. He drove the car yesterday, wacked off to Z-100. Pepper cues up some pop music:

If I was on the chopper and they played this, I would tell the pilot to take it down, hit those high tension wires over there.

[LiddyRules]

*On The Oscar Show*

Fez: There's Jennifer Grey looking high as a kite.
Ron: Wouldn't you be if you lost your nose?

*On the Bollywood dance at the end of Slumdog*
Ron: The good guys are dancing with the bad guys.
Opie: Even the dead guy's dancing.
Ron: He's a zombie. It's like the Michael Jackson Thriller video.

[livebackwards]

2/23:
Mickey Rourke had this opportunity to say “I’m a serious actor and I’m ready to come back,” now what he’s saying is “I’m crazy as a shithouse rat; give me a reality show.”

[livebackwards]

2/23:
(regarding a lack of sympathy for Ledger & family)
Female caller: We are an over-medicated nation, no doubt about it, but don’t you think it’s a little tougher to swallow for the Average Joe who is struggling to make a living, just regular guy-on-the-street, and then you hear of someone who attains such fame-

Ron: Guess what honey, the Average Joe takes Oxycontin in this fucking country! Read a newspaper!

[TonyBagels]

2-13, pajamagram read

Fez: Tomorrow, you can be a Valentine's Hero when that arrives. You'll find the top bra..
Ron: And those are the real heroes. Not the firemen. Not the soldiers. Not the emergency fighters. The guys who send pajamas.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Female caller: I work in a bank...
Ron: <yeah, well I got two radio shows, beats that>

[Arch Stanton]

Myvue, They should call them Ronni B's vue. Whatever I am watching , everyone should watch.

[Arch Stanton]

Myvue, I want to watch what I want to watch, not the way the Lord made my eyes to see things.

[Arch Stanton]

Myvue Watchman Clips. I will go see that Movie and watch a different Movie on myvue glasses.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: I'll tell you this though, I am no better than Patrick Henry.
Fez: The great patriot?
Ron: Huh? I don't even follow football the way you do.

[TonyBagels]

(about being a superhero)

I'll tell you this, if I wore a cape, I'd be masturbating underneath it all the time. Even at a crime scene.

[Arch Stanton]

You know what the worst thing about being a hero? The loneliness, wearing a cape. A cape of loneliness.

You know the best thing about the cape? Masturbating under it. I just Masturbate all the time under it, even at a crime scene

[TonyBagels]

I'll tell you the best thing about masturbating under a cape... Uhhhhhh

[TonyBagels]

about Jeffersen Starship's song We Built This City on Rock 'n Roll

Maybe the worst song that ever happened. And I'm even throwing in the ones that Hitler wrote. I'd rather have my kids listen to old Nazi songs then this..

[Arch Stanton]

We Built this City on Rock and Roll. Probably the worst song ever, and I'm including songs Hitler wrote. I'd rather teach my kids Nazi songs rather then That song.

[Arch Stanton]

While listening to the Aerosmith song in Armaggeddon:
Please let the meteor hit the Earth and end this song. And during it, the sexy scene of him running a cracker down her stomach.

[Arch Stanton]

Lucky Bruce Willis died and didn't have to hear the end of this song.

[Arch Stanton]

Here's the real sad part, when the hose gets pulled out and he gives him the patch to give to Slingblade.

[TonyBagels]

If this show was a car, I'd drive it off a cliff right now.

[Arch Stanton]

I don't like hanging with guys, all I hear is zzzzzuughhh penis....

I like to hang with girls. I don't get when a guy says he has a best budday.

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron: "You know when I think they went bad?.....Dream on '73."

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Did you get all of your live reads in?
Fez: Yeah.
Ron: Well, your work for the day's done.

[TonyBagels]

2-13, after a live read

Ron: Is that the end of all of this stuff?
Fez: Yeah, that's it. Done for the week.
Ron: Thank God.

[TonyBagels]

2-13, about Mike Tyson's memoirs

I'll tell you this, spell check that son of a bitch. Just spell check it, Mike. 'Cause I have a feeling that's gonna be one of the roughest part for you.

[TonyBagels]

2-13

Dave: Not me, Daddy.
Ron: You know what? Until you can prove it, stop calling me Daddy.

[TonyBagels]

2-13, furthering:

Your mother's a liar. Unless you can get pregnant from, uhhh, anal, I am not your dad.

[TonyBagels]

2-13, to Dave, about Casey being black

And do your wife a favor, uhh, pick up some fried shrimp.

[nenslow]

Caller: 'Is flamboyant the worst thing that can be said about a jedi'
Ron: 'Second worst.'

[Sack of Chisels]

(postshow - after playing a bunch of doors songs)

"Alright, we gotta do some acid, fuck this"

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Asians don't get offended when we go out for chinese food.
Ron:I had a girlfriend once and when we were going out for chinese food, she would say we are going for food.
Fez: Well I wouldn't like that.
Ron: Well, you couldn't go there....they kill Gays.

[Arch Stanton]

Discussion about mini sports:

Ping Pong is Tennis for Chinese people

[Arch Stanton]

Pepper: You don't see darts anymore in bars.
Dave: They are afriad of the insurance.
Ron: Insurance? Who's afraid of insurance? How is that gonna hurt you.

[Sack of Chisels]

on drugs

"Also, if you're traveling and in need of anything at all... Martin Luther King Blvd seems to work out no matter what the town is!"

[Sack of Chisels]

Caller: What about Woody Allen? He liked 'em young.
Ron: Well, he liked 'em yung.. Y-U-N-G.

[TonyBagels]

2-11, while discussing a bathroom incident

Fez: Alright! He walked in on ME!
Ron (as dry as possible): and you blew him

[Arch Stanton]

I don't trust the Nazis, I know this will probably piss off Ant, but I don't trust Nazis.

[Arch Stanton]

Carbonite, it is a cleaner burning fuel, gonna replace oil.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: My friend is on Carbonite and is completely AIDS free.
Fez: That is nothing to do with Carbonite.
Ron: Well, he doesn't date either. And he is sitting right here next to me.

[Arch Stanton]

Every nite should be a Carbonite.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: You guys down for an after show meeting?
Guys: YEAH
Ron: We might have some Bowie today, possibly a rock block.

[LiddyRules]

The Racer family not as close as they'd like you to think. And Pops- maybe a bit retarded.

[Sack of Chisels]

post show

Dave: I'm not in the writers guild for nothing.
Ron: Yes you are.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Pepper Hicks cues up Rhianna's "Umbrella" song....

Ron: Alright, any more and I'm going to hit her. Turn it off, or I'll just Chris Brown her

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Ashley Madison.com, for those people who have been looking for love in all the wrong places.
Ron: Like the Anus.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after someone calls and asks Fez what cum tastes like....
Ron: To all the prank callers out there...I will tell you this. He does not know. Then I'm going to put the three dot dot dots and say "yet"

[Arch Stanton]

I hope your dream comes true....and you end up helping Bill Murray.

All the years you know me and your ready to be Florence Nightingale to Bill Murray.

You give me 15 minutes and I will figure out Bill Murrays problems.

[Arch Stanton]

Ashley Madsion Live read:

Joanie loves Chaci, then Joanie needed a little on the side.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Dave you built a miniature snowman whose head and arms are reaching up to the sky. I felt like I was looking at Willem Defoe in Platoon.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

"I'd have to be trapped under rubble to tune in a radio station"! :)

Here's the full version

Lilly: I don't listen to radio, which is weird because I do radio.
Ron: Well, let's be honest, radio's awful. I hate to say that because we have some radio listeners who might be tuning in right now. It's just a dreadful thing.
Lilly: It sucks
Ron: I'd have to be trapped under rubble to turn on a radio station.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

Ron: So you gonna hang out with us?
Lilly: what ever you want to do, I'm here.
Ron: Wow. How many times have I heard Lilly say that over the years.

[TonyBagels]

2-17, about the Conn chimp attack

P-Hicks: The chimp actually attacked a police car, opened the door, and started attacking the cops. They had to fuckin' kill it.
Ron: Yeah, I feel like I'm back in Philly when I hear news like that.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

I look at a fuckin' chimp the same way I look at a steak. If someb..if I went to a pet store and somebody said, "Would you like a kitten?". I'd say, "Not now Honey, I just ate."

[TonyBagels]

2-17, (about animals fighting each other)

When I think of baby chimps fighting, it makes me miss Earl so much. One of the chimps is fainting!

[TonyBagels]

2-17

Dave: I think an orangutan is more nimble than a gorilla.
Ron: You know who is nimble?
Dave: Who?
Ron: Jack

[TonyBagels]

2-17

P-Hicks: She also gave it drugs.
Ron: We all take drugs. Let's not make a big thing about it.
P-Hicks: Nah, it's a luck chimp.
Ron: By the way, you know what would be the cutest thing. A fuckin' chimp with a pipe doing a rail.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

Caller: I was attacked by an orangutan when I was 12 years old.
Ron: Bill, if you bring your fuckin' racism to this show and I will kick you off the air.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

I'm telling right now, if ants were the size of poodles, we would be fucked. If ants were anywhere just poodle size, you would hear this from your neighbors, "ANTS!!!" and you would fuckin' just turn around and start running.

[Arch Stanton]

Post Show
Fez does best of lead in: I'm done
Ron: Honestly...you are

[TonyBagels]

2-17, vegetarianism

Ron: Could you see like a cow get killed and then eat it?
Lilly: I don't know. I don't know if I could do that. I think we would all be vegetarians if we had to actually kill our own animals.
Ron: see, that's what happens to a lot of people. 'One summer I worked at a farm.' or 'I worked at a zoo and looked at that animal's eyes.' And I honestly think that I could look into that animal's eyes, cut it's throat, slice it up, and then eat it. I'm telling you, Fezzie, I get really fuckin' hungry

[TonyBagels]

2-17, about Florio's dinners

We ought to take Arch out one night, when you're rollin' that cash.

[TonyBagels]

2-17, wolves scaring Ronnie more than bears

Ron: If anything, what I'll do, if there's a dead wolf, I'll take his head and wear it as a hat. Just wear it around to hopefully, get some fear into them.
Arch: There you go.
Fez: Some wolf points.
Ron: Yeah! I'll just let the wolves know: Alright, you're fuckin' with the wrong guy now, out here.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

Fez: Yeah, with a bear you can see it coming towards you. You can see it chasing you.
Ron: You know a man can't outrun a bear, right?
Fez: A man can outrun a bear?
Ron: Can't.
Fez: Really?
Ron: Yeah. They say the best thing that you wanna do is be heading down hill and zig-zag. And I am never gonna fuckin' remember to zig-zag. The best thing I ahh ever had for uhh outrunning a bear and Idid it one time on a summer vacation in Canada. And I was ahh, it was me and I had my younger cousin with me. girl cousin. And we came walking up one time and we saw something coming out of a trash dump. And it was a bear. He saw us and started coming at us. And I started thinking to myself and we turned around and started running. and she was crying so hard. and I just had the time to {hits table for effect} leg sweep her and keep going. And I'm just, Fezzie, I"m hauling ass.
Fez: right.
Ron: And I heard the bear behind me just, "Rrrrrrrrr!!!!!", tearing something apart.
Fez: Mmmm Hmmm
Ron: And I ran home, probably the only man {Mariah's Hero starts playing} ever to outrun a bear.
Fez: Yeah, you uhh tripped the bear up with your own girl cousin.
Ron: Hmm?
Fez: Mmmm Hmmm. That's how it worked.
Ron: Just call me speedy.
Fez: Call you trippy.
Dave: Speedy, what ever became of your cousin?
Ron: You know, I never saw her again. I assume she found love. I assume she started to date some fuckin' inbred Canuck and went on to have a wonderful life. I would not be surprised to find out that she's married to the Czar of Canada right now.
Fez: They don't have a czar.
Ron: My condolences go out to the people of Canada. I know we lost our own president, when Reagen died. He was the people's president.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

Caller: Yeah, Ronnie, there's never been a documented case of a person being killed by a healthy wolf. Ever.
Ron: Well, you know why, whenever someone tries to document it, they're killed in a wolf fight.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

Just because you hear something from someone doesn't make it true. And by the way, nothing is true on the History Channel and nothing is true on the Discovery Channel. Those should be called the Lie Channels.

[TonyBagels]

2-17

Caller: a wolf attacked my mini cooper as I was driving along.
Ron: It was a Mini Cooper?
Caller: Yeah.
Ron: They can't protect you from anything. I know a guy who died when a goldfish attacked his Mini Cooper

[TonyBagels]

2-17, after A-Rod press conference

Dave: I'm gonna go out right now and get some steroids. I'm serious, I'm gonna beef up.
Ron: I want you to get some joke-roids. So you never have to sit here with another fuckin' stupid bearded Joker disaster.

[LiddyRules]

Fez: If you try and get the cat high it won't calm down, it'll just climb the drapse!
*brief, perfect amount of silence*
Ron *playing the Sleeves clip*: Oh here comes Fez with his o-pin-ion.

[TonyBagels]

When my kids don't clean their rooms, I just put on some Bing Crosby, and stare at them. This way they know.

[TonyBagels]

patron saint talk, about Marilyn Monroe

She also can be the patron saint of 'I know you're into me, but I also fucked all of your friends.'

[TonyBagels]

Now your psychriatrist, Fez, left a message for you on the answering machine. I'm gonna play it real quick. 'ooo eee oo ahh ahh wwlla walla bing bang...'

[TonyBagels]

Russian pundit about the USA breaking apart, northeast states..

He says that they may be joining the European Union. Ooo, very nice, I'll be European. Suddenly I can get a lot more chicks.

[TonyBagels]

Let's face it. The only parts of Canada that are worth living in is 10 miles north of any border. Once you get up to 12 miles, it's too cold.

[TonyBagels]

That Metal Show


I love this show because they sit around and debate 25 year old topics.

[TonyBagels]

During a Dave drinking as a daddy conversation

It's the Ron & Fez Show. Really a different kind of show where the listener calls in to give advice to the hosts.

[OhioPest]

I went to AshleyMadison.com and banged a retarded girl.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Re: Dave's drinking:

A caller calls in and says that he decided to stop drinking around his daughter after she told him, "Daddy, it makes your breath stink..."

Ron: "Just tell her, 'Yeah? Well your ass stinks."

[TonyBagels]

2-18, Dave explaining his tats

Dave: This one is another Pink Floyd one. Wish you were here
Ron: I wish I wasn't

[NortonsHeiny]

From the Pitzy visits show..."Lets put it this way when two years from now your big plan is a mashed pototo bar...I don't know where life takes you from there."

[NortonsHeiny]

Also from the Pitz visit Fez announces they are using real bacon at the big mashed potato bar...Ron adds "Or guido caviar as Pitzy calls it."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez gets a bottle of Citron as a gift, Ron replies "That will go nice up your ass later."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Pitzy..."I give him 10 years til he is drinking and smoking cigarettes alone in the dark."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks Pitz's emasculating woman if he ever hits her & she replies no..."Wait til your dad dies."

[NortonsHeiny]

From the pre-oscar show.."Heidi Klum is nominated for biggest vagina"

[NortonsHeiny]

Also from pre-oscar about Fezzies dress...."You wear that dress to Chelsea you're going to die a virgin."

[NortonsHeiny]

Copying Opies fun facts..."Here's a fun fact, Fez is the ugliest woman on Twitter."

[NortonsHeiny]

From Oscar pre-show on Matthew Broderick.."He looks like he just fucked a Firestone tire if that's even possible."

[NortonsHeiny]

Still on Broderick..."He looks like his wife doesn't know he's gay so he's drinking."

[TonyBagels]

about The Running Man

The thing that struck me was the future looks like the 80s, only 80's-er

[TonyBagels]

about Dr Manhattan

Ron: Now was it a real penis or a CGI penis.
Fez: I have researched this, CGI
Ron: By research, do you mean jacking off to it

[Arch Stanton]

Why is being an Asshole so wrong?

Everyone in Radio is an asshole, it is what we strive for.

[Arch Stanton]

A Coke dealer, you never call him at the appropriate time. They always act like they are being interrupted.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Talking to 8-year old Samantha...
Ron: Know what I'm into Samantha? Threesomes.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after hearing that Martha Stewart's dog died in a propane explosion...

Ron: I just hope this wasn't one of her arts & crafts experiments gone wrong

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, I'm gonna take a cab home, what are we gonna to, put my car in the trunk?!?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Dallas' Saint Patrick's Day was when they shot JFK. They called it "Irish Stew" when his brains landed

[Sack of Chisels]

Fez starts talking and Ron immediately interjects "Is this a live read?"

[TonyBagels]

2-26, while on the phone with Al Dukes

Al Dukes, uh, former producer for Ron & Fez, and I'll go as far as The Best we've ever had. But look at who we're comparing him to, Billy and East Side Dave.

[TonyBagels]

2-26

Al Dukes: Hey, did Earl really leave.
Ron: Yes he did.
Al Dukes: What's he doing now?
Ron: Ah, he just found out yesterday that he can't collect unemployment for quitting.

[TonyBagels]

2-26, about the last Star Wars movie

A guy two rows from me was ***** and killed. And I still felt I was in worse shape, just watching the movie.

[twotoes]

About Dave running with tiny steps:

Dave: It's not very athletic looking.
Ron: Ya it is if you compare it with Babe Ruth.

[TonyBagels]

About the Octo-Mom

Who, by the way is fighting Spiderman right now. It's very scary.

[TonyBagels]

to Jay Mohr, as he's recalling old shows

You know, you're just one hit show away from being Blowhard. You lose that show, you'll be living in Brooklyn

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after hearing the Ron Bennington's "I've Got My Own Cupcake" was on the front cover of Yelp Magazine in Chicago.....

Ron: That's the biggest thing that's ever happened in my shit career. That and Jay Mohr making you cry are the 3 biggest things that have ever happened to me.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The 3rd thing was I found an 8-ball. And by found, I mean a guy died in front of me and I took it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: The Irish Republican Army & a splinter group claim to have murdered a constable in Northern Ireland
Ron: Let's say a quick prayer that Mooch isn't involved...Pissin' an' shittin' an' fightin' an' fuckin...Pissin' an' shittin' an' fightin' an' fuckin...

[TonyBagels]

Anyone think it's crazy making up a name and just running with it? Whatley? East Side? Hicks? Scruffy?

[TonyBagels]

Fez: I'm not where I want to be and it feels like a big failure.
Ron: Whhh, please. Look at me and the view I have across from me, you and Dave. You think I'm where I want to be?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(about Fezzie's therapist) Ron: I want to just kabong that bitch...fuckin' pickpocket

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Alot of times I'm yelling with my dad and he's like "Look at your show, look at Whatley" and I'm like hey look at me, I'm not sucking any cock.
Then I'll call back in 5 minutes and talk about Steve Carlton.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So this girl from the Bachelor is going to now go on Dancing with the Stars. What I want to do is have it Dancing with the Cars...where you're doing it just out in the middle of 95

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Know what the worst day of my life was?
Dave : Whats that?
Ron : The day the Phillies won the World Series last year. thats how good my life is.

[LiddyRules]

On the guy from Gossip Girl:

"He looks like Time Traveler David Cassidy."

[twotoes]

Caller askes if it's the Anthony & Fez show...

Ron: First of all, if I lived like Anthony, and had as many guns as he has, I would have shot Fez in the face a long time ago.

[TonyBagels]

About Fez's visit to the hospital

If they wouldn't let me in that hospital, I'd call in Ant and say, 'It's finally going down'. It'd be Waco '09. You think he's not waiting over there for this shit to happen?

[TonyBagels]

You think I want people coming in and seeing me sick. If I'm in the hospital, come in, put a bullet in the back of my head and kill me. If I get a head cold, put me down.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So does that apply to the radio too Dave, cause you can't perform here. We're getting a noodle-dick, when are we going to get a nice big hard-on?

[TonyBagels]

Ron: What are you scared?
Dave: Yeah, I'm nervous about not performing well. And inevitably, I don't perform well.
Ron: Well, look at yourself in here? You come in here and don't perform well, yet you're always quick to {paraphrasing, cause I forgot the words} a mic

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: You need to fill out forms to visit people in the Hospital

Ron: Listen, I don't want you coming in to see me throw up. I don't want you seeing me sick. You know what, come in and shoot me. If I get a head cold, come in and shoot me.

Fez: What if you make it through? And then you come after me. I should just pull the plug.

Ron: If I go in the Hospital, call Harvey Keitel.

ron: We are goint to break here. Fez, in the next 3 minutes, I want you to think about this:

Can you be the guy that could kill your budday?

[Arch Stanton]

If Jay Mohr gave up on you, why should I hang in there with you Fez?

[Arch Stanton]

If Muhhomed Ali came up to me, and I don't know him, explained to me he had the fastest hands in the world, and is now ill, and asked me to kill him, I would.

Then I would in the trial, explain to the jury that if they coinvict me, I have members of my family that will kill each and everyone of them.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Fez, you call yourself Ron's best friend, but you will not do what he is asking of you.
Fez: I do love Ron, but I am afraid I will make the wrong decision.
Ron: You love me because I give you things.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron to Fez: You cost us Jay Mohr yesterday. He isn't coming in anymore. He is going to OnA from now on.

[TonyBagels]

about retarded guy tha got fired from Eagles for saying a move they made was wrong on his facebook

Caller: I guess we should know the degree of retardedness of this guy.
Ron: Just to let you know the degree of retardedness this guy has. He lives in Philly and roots for the Eagles. I've been there, I know. I was still getting calls, "You gonna see Invinsible?'

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Well we've got to see exactly what level of retardness this guy has
Ron: I can tell you how retarded he is, he lives in Philadelphia & he roots for the Eagles!

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: I think we need to concern ourselves with the degree of retardness this guy has.:
Ron: The Degree of retardness? He lives in Philly and roots for the Eagles

[Arch Stanton]

To me making into the Superbowl and not winning it is like you and your limp dick, taking it and rubbing it against a woman.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Oh, I could have sworn they were brothers
Ron: Okay, ya know what? Go back to the gate & keep taking tickets...

[Arch Stanton]

The Learning Channel is a channel? I thought TLC meant Tender Loving Care Chanell.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: Me and my wife made a porn film.
Ron: We gotta get that on Youtube.

[Arch Stanton]

When Jay Mohr shows up to OnA why don't you shank him. Stab him in his kidney.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: I'll enforce Fez-law!
Ron: Down South, that's illegal...it's called "Sodomy"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after watching the video of Dave singing to Steven Adler...

Ron: If I didn't know you and saw this video, I'd be like, "What a dick! This is what I fucking hate about radio!"

[Arch Stanton]

About Steven Adler:
He went from being in the biggest band in the world to:

You tied your own shoes today. Wow

You ate the food on your plate. Yay

He is half a retard now

[Arch Stanton]

Being Adler:

I jumped around with a guy today. I made a new best friend today, Dave

Fez: That's right Steven

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
Why don't you do a thing on the street, jump around with people. Dance with the red headed retard.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: That's what I fucking hate about rap music! It's like they're reading you a list of their recent purchases!

[Ball of Hate]

"Now give me my last rights so I can go straight to Heaven."

[TonyBagels]

3-2, after caller calls ESD a pussy for not driving in because of the snow

I don't think East Side Dave is a pussy for not driving in today. I think he's a pussy for the way he lets his mom treat him.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: Yes, I believe in Friday the 13th. I will hit by a brick today.
Ron: Hurls Cowbell at Fez
Fez: Ow
Ron: No bricks, wrong again Whatley

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Has there ever been a movie where the hero cant swim. Well maybe Denzel Washington, that I can understand.

[Chester'sLiver]

Fez: "I think I would marry Mount Rushmore....."
Ron:"So instead of saying isn't this a crazy person? You said to yourself what monuments are left for me?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Do you know what they call gays in France?
Fez: No..what?
Ron: Frenchmen.

[Arch Stanton]

Anyone who tickles kids is on the slippery slope to being a kid toucher.

[Arch Stanton]

The biggest back rubber I knew, turned out to be a serial rapist. I only wish I stopped it when I saw it back then.

[NortonsHeiny]

Lots of replays to listen to...Dave tells Ron he doesn't see something the way Ron does "I know you don't because your stupid."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez says he will never try Indian food because of the curry..Ron asks "What about Tim Curry? He's big with you people."

[NortonsHeiny]

About handicapped parking...."You what sucks about parking in the the back lot? Walking it's not a problem when you can wheel your ass acrossed the lot."

[NortonsHeiny]

Some of the things Dr. Steves wife says..."Oh he's a little devil. He's got the jew in him."

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave is wearing a Mafia Life Chris shirt because of meatball & pit stains Ron says "Meatballs & pit stains? THat's name of Mafia Life Chris's new book."

[NortonsHeiny]

On name changing.."Anything more pathetic then someone changing their name? Whatley?.....East Side?....Mooch?......Hicks?.......Scruffy?...anyon e?"

[NortonsHeiny]

To Fez when he thinks not sharing his secret with anyone a failure..."Why a failure? I consider it a success that I haven't smoked a cock."

[NortonsHeiny]

Hicks is the stillborn son I never had.

[NortonsHeiny]

After Dave announced he called his blankie "corn, Ron says "You and corn.... Fez and Pete. Today is my last show."

[NortonsHeiny]

To a moronic caller named Tony.."Tony? How did you call me from the 1940's?"

[NortonsHeiny]

Watching the Steven Adler video..

Ron: "Who is that woman holding the microphone?"
Dave: "That's Erock."

[NortonsHeiny]

More Steven Adler talk...

Dave: "Adler was thrilled to be there with me."
Ron: "Why wouldn't he be? He got his shoes on today."

[NortonsHeiny]

Adler talk to ESD..."I'd like to put you, Adler, and Erock together and play who's the coke retard....I'd think you'd win it."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Murder is never justified, yet a lot of :rap:s are

[twotoes]

A fireman calls in and says he works 24 hours on and 48 hours off.

Ron: What do you think of that Fez?
Fez: That sounds interesting, I'd like to try that.
Ron: Why wouldn't you? Sleeping with other men and sliding down poles.

[NortonsHeiny]

From Daves day of being Rons private eye..."D.D. McDonald...and the D.D. stands for double dong."

[NortonsHeiny]

From last weeks conversation on best SNL Skits..."Talking about the best bits on SNL I would have thought days would go by before I heard the name Garrett Morris."

[NortonsHeiny]

As Sam enters the studio..."Excuse me have security take that young lady out of here...Oh it's Sam."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The best thing for the Phillies is that they have the Mets in their division...that fucking collapsing house of cards!

[MilkmanDan]

(St. Patricks day) Ron : Look at Sam wearing green. Why dont all you guys wear rainbow for the gay day parade.
Dave : I'd like to wear purple
Ron : I'd like to call in sick.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: If someone calls you baby, you better have your cock in them.