Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Going out on St. Patrick's day and not drinking is like going to an orgy and watching an iTouch movie.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You really should break up with her before you get her pregnant and you have a stupid kid.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Fezzie, I found a dating website for you and you don't need to believe in God. It's for Athiests!
Ron: Yeah, but what do you yell out when you cum?

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, you belong to The Church of Latter Day Taint

[Arch Stanton]

Ashley Madison read:

Fez, why don't you be the first person to go on the internet and lie.
Dress up in a dress and a bonnet and pick up men.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

during an AshleyMadison.com live read

Fez: I can't sign up for it, I'm not married!
Ron: Why don't you be the first person to ever go on a website and LIE

damnit Arch!

[Arch Stanton]

Post Show Meeting:

Ron: You should read my e-mails about the Ashley Madison Interview
Dave: I would, but I don't have the password.
Ron: My password is:

Fez's Limp Cock

[Arch Stanton]

Post Meeting:
Fez, would you do me a favor and do a Saint Patrick's Pledge?

Would you stop making every day a living nightmare for me?'

[Arch Stanton]

Post Show:
Speaking of Cock, We ran it by Bitz and he said you(Fez) were too old for him and too skanky.

[Arch Stanton]

Post Show:
Fez, what happened when I was improving with you and you went immediately into a live read?
Fez: I was wrong, I saw the clock was 1:01 and did it.
Ron: Are you afraid to be in the spot light?

[Arch Stanton]

Post Show:
Ron to Dave pitching a bit: Stop it, your making my cock chaffe.

[Sack of Chisels]

Maybe I'm ready to "Go Ireland, baby!".. you know what, I still think I can swill this around in my mouth, gargle with it, and still be in the program. Is there any steps that say "don't gargle with whiskey"?

[Sack of Chisels]

on Dave not having sex with his wife in 3 months.

Dave: I'm not saying that there hasn't been some fun times other than intercourse, cause there has been..
Ron: That guitar hero thing? Cause I know you love that.

[NortonsHeiny]

From last week on Shelly Duval..."I wanted her to get killed in every movide she did...including Popeye."

[NortonsHeiny]

When Dave starts to tell about seeing movie stars as various foods...."I know it's true because you're a fucking idiot. I don't even have to hear the story. But for human beings slow it down.....let's find out just how retarded you are."

[NortonsHeiny]

Some blabber mouth chick who does massage therapy calls and just keeps yapping and yapping over Ron asking Dave questions..."Honey you don't have to worry. I'd listen to you for four seconds and I wouldn't get a hard on for a month."

[NortonsHeiny]

To the same annoying chick...."If you gave me a massage I might leave there and suck a cock."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Fez, look me in the eyes. I'm going to fucking kill you.
Fez: Well I hope you wouldn't.
Ron: And I'm going to get away with it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm going to kill you in a way that so obviously screams out "RON BENNINGTON" it's going to look like I've been framed.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: "Lovable Radio Host loses his best friend," that's how I'm going to try to get the media to spin it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I've got this feeling that it's going to be one of those murders where the guy gets hit 942 times with a heavy lamp!

[LiddyRules]

"I like treating people exactly the opposite as they are on the O+A show. Patty, she's a star. Big A, he's a star. Intern David, he's an animal. It confuses them. It totally confuses them. And it makes them think 'what is reality?'"

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Ron, aren't you taking your life in your own hands being inthere with Fez?
Ron: Sweet Death...Sweet Death...As Fez was about to pull the trigger, I would lean in and kiss the barrel.

[Chuck Schick]

Fez: Jim Norton is a Sam Kinison wannabe.

Ron: I think we all are.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Crying Fez: Well Jimmy's just a Sam Kinison want-to-be
Ron: Well we all are, really.

[Arch Stanton]

I would get in trouble in school, be sent to the corner and then she would push the file cabinet to block me. I would then blow onto my wrist, make a fart sound and wait for the laughs.
Now, you have to time these fake farts, there is counting involved between them. You can't just fake fart away.

[Arch Stanton]

When I would get hit, i would drop like a ton of bricks, act like my windpipe was damaged.

[Arch Stanton]

I tried talking about Raising Arizona with a friend of mine and he said he can not watch it becasue he hates Nick Cage so much. I agreed, but Raising Arizona could be the highest point we have reached on the planet Earth.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

After throwing David out of the studio...

Ron: I like to treat people the exact opposite of how they're treated on the O&A show.

[TonyBagels]

3-19, discussing an incident in Fez's apartment building

Fez: A r@pe would have been better.
Ron: That's what I always say, 'Everything is always better with a ****.'

[Chuck Schick]

To Fez:

No offense, but some of your features are a little mongoloid.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron to Jay Mohr : Fuck you.

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron: "You know who loves Carbonite.com ......."

*jay does impression*

Even Michael Jordan got an assist once and awhile..

[Tooz]

Yesterdays show Ronnie called the people on the bleachers "Hemorrhoid Farmers"

[TonyBagels]

About Dave's daughter

First lie she'll tell is, "That's not my dad."

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I was at Hooters the other day
Ron: It's 2009, no need to brag about that
Fez: Well, there was this really good looking guy sitting at a table
Ron: I'll take your word for it

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron (to Fez): You do the best imitation of an annoying wife. You've been doing it to me for years...

[Arch Stanton]

I respect Kurt Russell, but if his cjick is next to him, I'm walking up and sticking my nose in her hair. Would be worth the Kurt Russell beating.

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron on Seahunt)

You try being an underwater detective, jesus christ. That guy had more underwater scrapes then Opie

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron (to Dave): You're only two kids away from being gay. That's the only thing that's stopping you

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Let me say, if you can carry your dog around in a bag...you don't have a dog!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Do people still work with paper & pens?
Fez: Yes.
Ron: Here's a thing, stab him in the neck with a pen!

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I had a vision that I liked meat.
Ron: Yeah, your parents are gonna have a problem with that vision.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: (On Variety show) It's like a show, that plays jokes, like kiss this girl and you are blindfolded, then you end up kissing a grandma.

Ron: That's like a radio bit. Bad radio from 20 years ago.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

about Fez hating subtitles & reading during a movie....

Ron: I don't know how someone can ingest cum, and not the English language!

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez: I can't believe that a guy can swallow cum but throws up at subtitles.

Wow...Jimmy's Dignity

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: People being in my way gets me mad
Ron: Imitates Fez: People getting in my way gets me mad. I hate people.
(You sound like the guy on 60 minutes.)


Why do they come up with Vaginas, cock against cock is so much better.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: If I have to keep going up and down like this, I'm going to get nauseous!
Ron: That's why you have to be a bottom...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I am a member of the "Ten Club," the official Pearl Jam fan club
Fez: Did you have to sleep with a member of the band?
Ron: It means you blew ten roadies...

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Dave , Eddie Vedders in one bar and Axl Rose is in another which do you goto?
Dave : Axl's
Ron : Your out of the 10 club. I was in the Club since Bo Derek, used to jack off to her. Before that I was in the Bo Diddly club.

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : Ashley Madison.com for people looking for something outside of their relationship !
Ron : Like Fun.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Don't start defending something Whatley, until you try it.

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : My girlfriend had a P.I. follow me around for months to see if I was cheating
Ron : Were you?
Caller : No I never did. We've got a daughter.
Ron : You know what I tell that daughter? Enjoy not having a dad.

[NortonsHeiny]

To Fez for giving up on his Lent...."I give you all the credit in the world for spitting in Jesus' face..."

[Awful Me]

ESD: Bear with me....

Ron: I have been....for two and a half years....

[TonyBagels]

Dave: Who makes out on a subway, any way?
Ron: Gay guys.

[TonyBagels]

It's the WWE. Which I still call the WWF. I don't give a fuck what the World Wildlife Foundation says about it

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Scott Hamilton's not gay!
Ron: Wanna bet?
Fez: He's got a wife & kid!!
Ron: Fffffftt!!! Like that means anything?

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

To Dave:
"Remember, people laugh with me, at you, and have uncomfortable silences with Fez."

[Arch Stanton]

Ashley Madison Read:
I put on my list, must look like jeter

[Arch Stanton]

Ashley madison read:
Fez went to Dolly Madison and requested Double Chocolate

[ScottFromGA]

Ron: Charlie Daniels shits on paper and calls them Lyrics.



love this man.

[TonyBagels]

while explaining that The US is just a big river, gambling paddleboat

I wouldn't even mind changing the name The United States to Mississppi Queen

[Arch Stanton]

We're all Mississippi Queens Fezzie, We all live on a river boat

[FlavoredCaulk]

(On Stalker Patti's high)

So you'd be rolling on coffee and chocolate...like some Spanish Conquistador

[TonyBagels]

Ron: but you've been with a hooker.
Crazed: Yes, but I actually regret that.
Ron: So does the hooker

[Arch Stanton]

To Crazed on phoner: The only woman for you is Spandy, a man in spandex.

[TonyBagels]

about a Crazed broom-ass incident

Were there testicles at the end of teh broom? Because that might not have been a broom

[Arch Stanton]

How far did he shove the broom up your ass crazed? About an inch? Just the head? Then he came? Was there balls on the broom? Hair? Did the broom squirt?

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron: at any point did he start yelling "I'm sweeping...oh my god I'm sweeping."

[Arch Stanton]

So, you were walking around with your ass out, he shoved a broom up your ass, you came and then you were no longer friends?

[Arch Stanton]

Squiggy to Crazed on Phone: Hey, you work at Walmart. Why not get some of that tail.
Ron: Yeah, get some of the Walmart Pussy

[TonyBagels]

Ron: What kind of work do you do there (Walmart)?
Crazed: Uh, I clean up bathrooms, I...
Ron: So you're still pushing a broom after all this time.

[Arch Stanton]

Crazed: Together forever, for better or worse
Ron: Yeah, that means stick with me while I pick up all kinds of chicks.

[Arch Stanton]

Crazed: Let's say Nazi's were gonna kill your parents and you have to give a name of a girl that you would like to look like that you could get.
OK, they just killed your Father, hurry up and save your Mother.

[Arch Stanton]

Is Eric coming to the party? Cause I know of someone that has a thing for him.
Fez: Who?
Dave: What girl, come on...
Ron: Oh, it's not a girl.

[Arch Stanton]

Carbonite Read:
Uh Fez....Why bother even talk about it when we can hear about it in a song?

[Arch Stanton]

Crazed: Did you have a piece of paper while doing the Carbonite read with Fez? It was in perfect sync
Ron: We each had a broom up our asses

[Arch Stanton]

From Opener:
Atleast a few times during the day, you have to ask yourself why do I listen?

[Arch Stanton]

From Opener:
Fez: It's showtime
Ron: More like, It's Mo time

[Arch Stanton]

I'm getting rid of the internet....I don't think it works anymore

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Are you giving me whole milk? Get that away from me, that's cheese!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Obviously you were molested as a child...by someone who has bad taste in kids

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Fez, your a full grown man, why would you scream at a mouse?

Fez: I had a lizard climb up my leg as a kid once
Ron: By Lizard, do you mean Uncle?
Fez: It was heading toward my ball
Ron: You have only one ball?

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)

You're two fuckin' steps away from being a sterno bum.

[TonyBagels]

as Dave fumbles with a Jamison's bottle seal

Dave: See, Ron, that's why I don't drink fancy booze...
Ron: because it costs money?

[TonyBagels]

Ron: You're fuckin' dressed like an Aztec street walker.
Fez: These are fun, comfortable colors.
Ron: Yeah, sure, if you were waiting for the Spaniards to come.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: If you have a partner in a radio show who doesn't do anything, it's called "Carrying Fez Weight"

[cokelogic]

Fez: Peno, that's what I call the mouse that runs around here.
Ron: You see you're shrink today?
Fez: Yeah.
Ron: Tell her you named a mouse.

[TonyBagels]

By the way, I liked Never-ending Story. My only problem with it is that it did end.

[askewcore]

Fez: "Carbonite.com"
Ron: "Oh, Jesus Christ"

[TonyBagels]

yesterday, looking for Dave's number


Oh yeah here it is. I have it listed as 'Never Call'

[TonyBagels]

3-17, about the St Pat's parade crowd

As these Micks are acting like they're happy, as they celebrate boiled food, spousal abuse, and alcoholism. The three things, of course, that this country has gotten from Ireland.

[TonyBagels]

3-17

The two things that are normally a stylistic faux pas, red hair and green clothes, are celebrated today.... Just think of the fuckin' things we're celebrating today: boiled food, alcoholism, red hair, green clothes, and cops; things that normally turn your stomach, we act like it's a fantastic thing today.

[TonyBagels]

3-17

Alright, there you have it: they're already thinking repeat in Philly. Just be happy that you peat'ed. Treat it like the miracle it was.

[TonyBagels]

3-17

Spring training is also for that 'we could go all the way' feeling. I mean, you sit down there, and you could be watching fuckin' anybody. I guarantee you Montreal Expos fans used to say, 'You know, you look this team over, and there's a lot, there's a lot to feel good about.' But spring training, it's why it may be the greatest thing in sports, 'cause you're sitting there in the sun, after a long winter, you're watching baseball, and everything just looks good to you. No one sits there and says, 'You know, I'm really nervous about this team.' No matter what team you are.

[TonyBagels]

3-17

Ron: Uh, Jay. Jay you're on the Ron & Fez Show.
Caller: Yeah, how you doin'. I got the Ichiban for the day.
Ron: How are you, my friend?
Caller: Good, how are you?
Ron: What can we do for you?
Caller: I got the Ichiban.
Ron: Stop sounding like Arch and give me your fuckin' Ichiban!
Caller: Tonight, Martin Broduer, New Jersey Devils' goalie will set the NHL wins record.
Ron: Do you realize that you're doing an impression of Arch, who will call here, as smooth as bourban, and I have to hear the same voice, stuttering through a call?

[TonyBagels]

(St. Patricks day) Ron : Look at Sam wearing green. Why dont all you guys wear rainbow for the gay day parade.

SEE BELOW FOR CONVERSATION IN BETWEEN THIS

Dave : I'd like to wear purple
Ron : I'd like to call in sick.

Ron: How come you guys aren't all wearing rainbow on the fuckin' gay day parade. Are we finally gonna do that one up this year, Whatley?
Fez: Oh I'd..
Ron: We getting a float?
Fez: I don't know about a float. I'd love to go to the Pride Parade.
Ron: What do you mean go to it!? Why aren't we fuckin' running this deal? Seems like we should be the front fuckin' truck. Who else they got?
Fez: I'll see if I can get a flatbed or something.
Dave: That'd be easy too. People would just wear different colors, we'd make up a rainbow.
Ron (super dry): yeah.
Dave: I'd like to be purple.
Ron: I'd like to call in sick that day.

[TonyBagels]

3-17, after ESD's theory that his body was conditioned for toxins, by his drinking, hence not dying from CO poisoning.

Dave: Again, this is just my theory. I don't have anything to back it.
Ron: My theory is that you're already brain dead.

[TonyBagels]

3-17, after smelling Jameson

Ron: This may be the second best smell in the history of the world.
Fez: What's the first.
Ron: wicked Pussy.

[TonyBagels]

3-17

Caller: Fez, do you speak Gaelic?
Fez: Keep it up, you're gonna be the one getting licked. {caller hangs up} See, he feared my tongue. They all do.
Ron: Throw me in there.

[TonyBagels]

3-19

You should go in there, Columbine the whole place. Then you can yell out, 'You like Sam Kinnison so much, take him lunch!'

[TonyBagels]

3-19

Fez: I can see where he would get happy with making me cry.
Ron: Why not, it's exciting. It's almost like making a woman cum.

[TonyBagels]

3-19

Ron: I guess American Idol and Dancing with the Stars are the two big TV shows.
Fez: Yup. These are the big hits.
Ron: What I like to call The Unwatchable Hits.

[TonyBagels]

3-19

Caller: My dad used to beat me and molest my sister. I've gone to counseling for 15 years.
Ron: Now look. Wasn't it better that he beat you and molested your sister, than got that backwards?
Caller: Nah
Ron: Alright have it your way

[twotoes]

Fez: I don't want to be buried in Northern Virginia.
Ron: I want to bury you in Arlington as the Unknown Radio Host.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Fez, what does cum taste like?
Ron: Mellinda, you wanna take this one? Least until Fezzie gets out there a little bit more?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I got bad news for ya, here's Lady Trucker...

[NortonsHeiny]

Catching up on my replays.....

On the English & the Revolutionary war..."You want to win a war stop wearing red coats. And give the piccolo player a rifle for fuck sake."

[NortonsHeiny]

A caller asks if a Mollys Cupcakes in NYC would Ron give Stalker Patty a job..."I would definately put her out front kind of like what they did with Joe Lewis in Vegas."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Fez not being able to read sub titles in movies...."I can't believe a person can consume cum but can't consume the English language."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez commenting that they are up fairly high in the building..."By the way we are going to beat Fairly High this year. Thanksgiving is going to be ours."

[NortonsHeiny]

On retards and their modes of transportation..."They can't drive but they can ride a big thick bikes. No retard rides a bike under 250 pounds."

[NortonsHeiny]

To Fez: "I'm just as close to being black as you are to being gay."

[TonyBagels]

3-19

So we're able to sit here and know what these people are doing. Which, I wouldn't be paying attention to if they were sitting here in front of me. That's the odd thing about twitter.

[Arch Stanton]

What's with these little water bottles? It reminds me when I was on Acid and had a personal pan pizza in my hand, I thought I was huge and all I could do was run all out away.

[TonyBagels]

Ashely Madison read, as Ron is doing a new jingle

Fez: That's not an officially approved jingle.
Ron: Then why didn't they bring that up at the meeting?
Fez: They did, you just weren't there.
Ron: The one at my house? They didn't show up.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: Well, I put my finger up my ass after taking a shit.
Ron: 'Cause you miss your chick?

[Arch Stanton]

I can only imagine how Wackbag feels about all this twitter talk.

[Arch Stanton]

To Caller:
What's it like not to be able to tell a story?

[Arch Stanton]

Todays Beanie cup goes to:

Casey's ex-boyfriend who had his pics removed from Flickr

[twotoes]

Dave talking about his mom being a missionary:

Dave: She helps out under-privelaged women.

Ron: That would be Casey.

[CousinDave]

Ron: Fez, its one of your exs, Don Cumia.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Female Caller: I had the Ron Bennington last night--
Ron: You mean the cupcake?
Female Caller: Yeah.
Ron: Okay good...whenever I hear a woman say "I had the Ron Bennington" I'm immediately like, "Listen, it's not my kid."

[Arch Stanton]

The only way I would open for Bad Company is to go on before them and do their entire catalog.

[Arch Stanton]

You know what I consider the Black CNN....CNN

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron:"You know what I call the black CNN......CNN"
*pauses*
Ron:"I don't even know what that means."

[KNUCKLEUP]

Re: Bands who sing their own name in their songs.

Dave: "What about The Who? They sang Who Are You... and they answered themselves in the song: 'Who! Who!'"
Ron: "Yeah, that's who we are. A bunch of fuckin stupid owls."

[Arch Stanton]

To Jay Mohr's kid:
Great job. Let's have Lunch. We'll have some Deli.

[Arch Stanton]

Come here bitch, I have carbonite.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: I understand what Fez thinks about me
Ron: He thinks your retarded
Fez: I do

[Arch Stanton]

When I listened to my interview with Margaret Cho, I heard when I took my shoe off and hit her with it. I never heard Johnny Carson do that.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You piss cum?
Fez: Well yeah, both come out the piss hole!
Ron: You poor, awful...never-had-a-health-class kid

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Hey Crazed, I'm offerring you the Executive Producer for Unmasked
Crazed: Well, I'm in. You got me thinking.
Ron: What are your ideas.
Crazed: Well, I would contact comics, that were not ever on unmasked.

Ron: Ok, stop for a minute. I have to tell ya you are in my mind. You took your dick out, stuck it in my mind and are now fucking with my mind.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Hey Crazed, can you tell me what cum tastes like?
Ron: Hey Fez, see how funny it is when it happens to someone else?

[Arch Stanton]

Ron:" Hey Crazed, best day ever?
Crazed: Well, I have never been this wet
Ron: Sure you have you messed up human being

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Alright, time to take our first break of teh day, Fezzie. Ahh, when we come back..
Fez: Yes?
Ron: ah, the show will be over.

[BIV]

Ron: Hey Crazed, I'm offerring you the Executive Producer for Unmasked
Crazed: Well, I'm in. You got me thinking.
Ron: What are your ideas.
Crazed: Well, I would contact comics, that were not ever on unmasked.

Ron: Ok, stop for a minute. I have to tell ya you are in my mind. You took your dick out, stuck it in my mind and are now fucking with my mind.
I'm afraid a baby is going to come out of my brain...

[Thelateshowkid]

From a few weeks ago when Jay Mohr was talking about how he doesn't like the female comics on Unmasked:

You'd love Shock and Jock, they call them slits.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Sometimes I'm talking with my Mom & Dad and something will pop out, and I'm like, "Oh right...racist!"

[Arch Stanton]

About being a bully:
Fez: I punched a reatarded girl in the stomach once
Ron: And that was Three Weeks Ago

[TonyBagels]

about Dave wearing a Virus Tee

Dave: Going out in style.
Ron: Well we're not going out.
Dave: Sorry, I should say moving in style.
Ron: Not all of us are. So, you're gonna get a call.

[TonyBagels]

about songs with lies in the lyrics

And then in that same song, he said that he had a fuckin' girlfriend in Niagara Falls Canada.

[TonyBagels]

Caller: I don't think that we all live in a yellow submarine.
Ron: That one's true, if you think about it. The fuckin' lie here was that Ringo could sing.

[TonyBagels]

You know who was the smart one? Earl Douglas, he got out when the getting was good.

[TonyBagels]

Because, here in America, if you're not happy, shoot other people.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

when talking about The Cougar (http://www.tvland.com/prime/shows/cougar/?gclid=CNe2xIeT1ZkCFQEpGgod21azWA)

Ron: I don't care if they called it "Crazy Clown Woman." Know why? Because this isn't a show that's going to be Tivo'ed by Ronnie B.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dave: I bought the "Bassmaster" video game and it...it was bad
Fez: You should play it in the bath for reality
Ron: He could die in there. Ya know what? Make some toast while you're in the tub too...

[Arch Stanton]

Carbonite read:
Ron: Don't let your kids grow up buck tooth bitches, give 'em Carbonite.

[Arch Stanton]

Carbonite Read:
Ron: I'm just afraid that the kids will choke on Carbonite over night.
FEz: You don't give it to kids....

[Arch Stanton]

Carbonite Read:
Ron: This Saturday, come on out and meet Carbonite the Monster.

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : I was just in Africa recently...
Ron : I heard its all black now.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez I havent seen you go more then 45 minutes without eating. You use Gravy as a beverage.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Sarah, when you were over in Africa, did you date?
Sarah: Umm...no.
Ron: That was probably a good thing. "I fucked a skinny black guy last night now I'm throwing up."

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron on Africans being superhuman)

I'll show you superhuman, lets see who can throw up the fastest. I dont shit in the sand like a cat.

[TonyBagels]

Do you think Casey just sits in a chair, rocking, saying, "What did I do?"

[TonyBagels]

(about his past 'partying')

I've woken up and said, "Holy Shit! I must be the terminator!"

[TonyBagels]

The only time that chicken is red meat, is when Dave eats it. How the fuck do you not know that the chicken was raw?

[TonyBagels]

(to Fez)

The only thing that separates you, from a child, is chest hair.

[MilkmanDan]

(After Fez burning popcorn at home)

Ron : The only thing that seperates you from a child is chest hair.

[TonyBagels]

(about laughing when guys get hit in the balls

But never in life do we laugh when women get hit in the vagina. I don't even crack a smile when a woman gets hit in the vagina, unless it's with my face.

[MilkmanDan]

(About Dave)

Ron : Franklin dont laugh at him, it just makes him keep talking.

[TonyBagels]

Earl: I'm working on a book.
Ron: Oh, the Earl Douglas Story. I can't wait til chapter 3, Bad Stuff about Opie

[TonyBagels]

Who doesn't love Earl? Oh, management.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know her last name?
Fez: Mmhmmph! Yup!
Ron: And Michael Winslow?
Fez: Yes.
Ron: I would like you to go outside...just once

[NortonsHeiny]

During of Dave's many rants on Pearl Jam Ron tells him.."Hold on 3rd period is over and we have to get to lunch. We'll pick it up there."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Dave, "I know a Nirvana rip off band.....Pearl Jam."

[NortonsHeiny]

Some caller's wife cheated on him..she hired someone to follow him & he says he stays because of his kid. Ron tells him..."You know what I'd tell that kid? Good luck without a dad. First thing I'd do is wake her up and say your mom is such a whore you don't get a dad."

[NortonsHeiny]

On Mariah Carreys husband who's last name is Canon...."Did he invent the canon? Or is he just a photographer?"

[NortonsHeiny]

"I never like Charlies Daniels. He was always chasing Bugs Bunny around with a shotgun."

[LiddyRules]

*On Carbonite*

"You get unlimited backups. And by unlimited, they mean six."

[livebackwards]

4/03: (The whole spiel on partying in Florida)

That’s the weirdest fuckin’ thing, though, I mean you just feel like you’re partyin’ and then you’re just fuckin’ finally “I’m gonna take a nap… I don’t know. If I drift off to sleep, chances are I ain’t wakin’ up.” And how is that considered partying, at that fuckin’ point? When you’re thinkin’ to yourself, “I don’t think I’m gonna wake up from this one.” I remember wakin’ up from one before and going like this: “You have got to fuckin’ be kiddin’ me. I must be the Terminator. I must be unable to die.” That Florida is one dark fuckin’ place, for all the sun they have… it could not be darker.

[NortonsHeiny]

To Dave about if he should ever think of a never woman...."If was Casey I'd say go for it mongoloid..."

[NortonsHeiny]

When Fez is afraid of the mouse that lives in the studio...."Maybe it will crawl into your handbag & when you are putting your makeup on it will jump out and scare you."

[NortonsHeiny]

To the chick who called about Africans being better then us...."Dave is doing better then me...he has less."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez tells Ron that Mars gave him the Spanish word for a shirt he was wearing...."Was if fagola?"

[NortonsHeiny]

When Pepper broke his lent..."Why don't you get a crucifix and spit on it.."

[NortonsHeiny]

From a Carbonite read..."At Carbonite we like to say check it before you wreck it..."

[NortonsHeiny]

While assaulting Margaret Cho during unmasked..."This is for Pearl Harbor."

[NortonsHeiny]

On the Sam & Dave show..."I like what you guys are doing...You're watering down the Ron & Fez and O&A shows."

[NortonsHeiny]

In gay baritone voice...."No matter what craft I'm doing, I'm adding sparkles...no matter what it is it ends in sparkles."

[NortonsHeiny]

"If you wear a satin jacket with your show name on it your name might as well be the Eagles."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: So it sounds better, but I don't know how my mic sounds
Ron: Eh...a little bit gay
Fez: I didn't think there was a knob for that!
Ron: I think it's just some bleed-over from Out-Q

[jackjack]

Caller: What's the best thing about being a black jew?

Ron: Hold on, I'm trying to cut you off..

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Apparently the blind kid needs a kidney too!
Ron: Well that's the problem, he's getting the wrong stuff! Don't get a kidney, get eyes!!

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron:" I would never stop screaming if I was blind.... You would know when I woke up because you would just hear. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[Arch Stanton]

As Elvis:

I would leave the window up in the bathrrom for 6 months. 6 Months of Farts, that is what killed me.

[Arch Stanton]

As Elvis:
Hey Elvis, we got a Movie for ya where you love clams....we gonna call it Clambake.

[Arch Stanton]

Are we gonna do a movie where I like oysters, and calamari.

[MilkmanDan]

I wrote my dad once , he never wrote back. I don't know what the rules are on death row. I just put "No matter how many bodies, I know you didnt do it."

[Arch Stanton]

I thought I saw Joe Namath, but he would have had to have had Nose Job and over tanned.

[Arch Stanton]

Nothing in the Universe is as important as Pussy.

[Arch Stanton]

About right of way through doors:

I say pushin' gets the cushin'.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: How many people have you told your secret to?
Fez: Umm...probably about 10.
Ron: How many non-Bennington's?
Fez: Oh...umm, about 6?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

After Casey threatens to "out" Fez
ESD: Oh please say one more thing...I want to see the greatest thread in the history of the internet
Ron: The "Guess Who's a Faggot?" thread!

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Why is it that they don't serve dessert before the sandwich or meal?
Fez: well, because you may loose your appetite for dinner
Ron: Is that your Mom talking to me? Or you Fez

[LiddyRules]

*Upon hearing about George Lucas giving a $1000 personal check to a high school*

Dear George Lucas, I need a kidney but can only pay for it with cash.

[Arch Stanton]

We had no prom, then I worked to get it done. I got them a prom, and you know what they called me?

Footloose

[Large Marge]

Ron-You know, now that I think about it, my cousin wasn't really talking and walking till 14 months...
Dave- Oh see there you go.
Ron- and uh right now he's selling news papers out side the supermarket.

-----

Dave- Like I said, I'm not worried, the doctor says she's ahead of the curve.
Ron- What curve? you?
Dave - She's four inches taller than other babies!
Ron- Oh, that is smart.

Ronnie B shows his genius again.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm going to go, order those roses, then immediately call my mom. I'll tell her, "I know you're getting something from me, but I dunno about Bobby."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay you've got a time machine, but you can only go back and say two words. What are you going to say?
Fez: Stop Oswald!
ESD: No nukes!
Ron: I'd go back and just yell out "DUCK LINCOLN!"

[Arch Stanton]

About leaving Badge home, not able to get in building, girl helping him on phone:

She sounded like a check out girl:

"Oh, are you Ron Bennington? Everyone is trying to get you in the building........she then leans over to her friend and says...Sometimes I gotta hit my kids with a hairbrush"

[Blue Heeler]

Ron to Fez: "So you're just looking for someone with common interests?"

Ron: "Well then we need to find you a kid, or a retarded adult."

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
When you need a therapist to show you how to jerk off, you got problems. Even the 40 year Virgin had stroke technique.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: When you're on the show I want you to say, "Regis, I'm going to call my friend Ron Google." Because that's what you're going to hear in the background

[jackjack]

Ron: <cough> At what point does a cold turn into cancer?

[Arch Stanton]

Oh yeah, Earl says the show was better when he was on it. He says, just look at the thread on Wackbag.

[Stig]

Oh yeah, Earl says the show was better when he was on it. He says, just look at the thread on Wackbag.

That's partially true. He was there pre-Dave.

[dilznick101]

On his inability to hang out with men:

If I'm going to hang out with another man, there better be at least a case of beer to split. ...and we better be drawing up plans to rip off somebody's house.

[Dragonwaggon77]

Ashley Madison live read.

Ron - If your like me, when your married your dating life really slows down. Thats why I use ashley madison.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Quit saying 'facilities' I swear to God. I'm gonna just hit you with a hammer, and it's not going to stop for like an hour and a half

[Arch Stanton]

No man likes being a Grandpa. When he sees a child coming at him it is like looking at a Tombstone.

[Arch Stanton]

The third child syndrome:
You were born to save the marriage. The parents are at the end, gonna probably split, then the choice is taken away by having another kid.

You have two, then they go to school and you look at each other and say, what the fuck are we doing? Then, have a third kid to take it off your mind.
Let's have another kid, and stop thinking.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So since your marriage, you've only known her for 3 periods...

[Arch Stanton]

The Mental Illness in this place is right up there with Cuckoo's Nest.

[Sack of Chisels]

*cough* i'm fuckin dying from the swine flu..... i'm number 2, i see it coming.

[Sack of Chisels]

If I was a doctor I wouldn't go around using my first name. I would be Dr. Bennington, not Dr. Ron.. that fucking sounds stupid. same thing if I was a captain, I wouldn't go around being "Captain Ron"

[TonyBagels]

4-21, to Fez, I believe this was about a live read

Do you want Dave to just take it...like he did your spot on the show?

[TonyBagels]

4-21

Ron: Are you ready to tell your secret?
Fez: No, not yet.
Ron: Shut it down, like all of your producings

[TonyBagels]

4-21 about dive bars' bathrooms

There should be always a problem that when you come back from the bathroom that your shoes are wet. A lot of times you'll just open the door and piss in there and back out.

[TonyBagels]

hERE'S WHAT i LIKE ABOUT bIDEN, fEZ. wE HAVE A VICE PRESIDENT THAT WE CAN ALL LAUGH AT AND MAKE FUN OF. tHE LAST ONE WE HAD WE WERE ALL AFRAID OF AND THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE RUNNING A SHADOW GOVERNMENT.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: I'm telling you now, those panties smelled like a little piece of heaven.
Fez: What does heaven smell like?
Ron: Like pussy!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Sage-like

Ron: You may be done with your past, but your past ain't done with you.

[jimmyslostchin]

"After that I learned to sleep in the top of the closet with a knife."

[Arch Stanton]

I've had jobs that I ran the Cash Register. I was responsible for that register, the money and all. So ya know what I would do? I would short change everyone and if an old lady that actually counted would catch it I would say, oh my, sorry, then reach into my pocket and give her the extra needed to make it right.

[KNUCKLEUP]

RE: John and Kate + 8 and fertility clinics fucking up all the time:

"I said ONE FUCKING KID. i'm picking out one cute little asian baby and the rest of you runts are going in a bag, gonna tie it up, and throw it in the schuylkill river."

[kwoods]

...."there are two things that women like: little tiny babies and castrating men"

To goddamn funny and true. :icon_lol:

[Arch Stanton]

The only time I use condoms is on a bus trip. Too lazy to get on and off to take a piss. I pee in the condom and toss it out the window.

[TonyBagels]

Fez: sites like sexycougars.com
Ron: Oh, I love that, 'cause I want to have sex with a big cat. Got any panther sites?

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: For a limited time they are allowing free access to Porn.com
Ron: (Gets all out of sorts, states he is light headed and almost faints....)what did you say Fez?
Fez: For a limited time, free access to porn.com..
Ron: (makes thud sound)
Fez: Ron...Ronnie?

[Arch Stanton]

Fez....sex for grades.com
Ron: That's a good one. You go to the internet, and if you want a good grade, you give a blowjob. This is why the Japanese are beating us.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I love corn
Fez: It's porn...
Ron: Are you thinking what I'm thinking....you put porn on an ear of corn. Call it Pornoncorn.com

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I watch TV and it meks me feel like I'm not alone.
Ron: I sit here with you in this studio and feel as though I'm alone.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: My name is earl
Ron: Huh? Ok, I'll call you Earl from now on.
Fez: I mean the TV show My Name is Earl
Ron: What? Who's on first base?

[DukeFett]

Fez "I got caught staring at a handicapped person the other day"
Ron "In the mirror?"

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I was holding the door for a handicapped person...
Ron: I like to call them handicapable

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And by "last night" I mean last year...I've got brain damaged. And when I say "three weeks ago" I mean the times of Pericles.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What'd you have for dinner last night?
Fez: Umm...Chinese food; it was a Thursday.
Ron: For an entire year? How boring...

[Arch Stanton]

I got a new idea for a new pajama. Pajama's you can shit in.

[MilkmanDan]

Sexycougars.com for when you've seen so much porn, you just want to see jungle feline vagina.

[TheOnion]

For once you are treated like a VIP, and you should because you just joined a porn site.

Fucking genius.

[Arch Stanton]

Coming up at 2:00, it's Straw, Darryl Strawberry has written a book, and I am not gonna ask about the title of the book, not that irony.

[Arch Stanton]

My Mom is a Vet. She was a Journalist and killed 14 Germans with a bayonet. It was in 1987. And by Germans, I mean in German Town, PA. And it wasn't a bayonet, it was a hatchet.

[Awful Me]

On some terrible Rupert Holmes song:

"This song is worse than hearing someone fart in a bathtub."

[Arch Stanton]

I was in 6th Grade, learned my 1st poem and read it to the class. It was my Purple Cow Poem. I finished it, looked up at the 35 kids in the room, and not a dry I in the house. I really touched them it was the way I delivered it.

[Arch Stanton]

You know me Fez, I'm a brain washed uber fan #3 of Fez Whatley, but you are better at sales then the booking.

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave: (and Chris Stanley)
I'm looking for production, and I mean bits, and not that un-funny stuff you did as Kevin and patrice.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, I want you get one of these Facebook things so I can follow what you do.

[icculus1284]

On some terrible Rupert Holmes song:

"This song is worse than hearing someone fart in a bathtub."

A previous remark he made about the Pina Colada song was something along the lines of:

"Anyone who refers to their girlfriend as "their lady" is a dick head."

(Just heard it on the replay and didn't have the thread up, but it was something along those lines.)

[Sack of Chisels]

"The last time I saw my folks, I had a high school graduation cap on...... I sent em a post card once that said can you send me my boots. It's been a while.. love to see them again though. Think they're still alive."

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron on his curfew
Be home midnight? Yea like that's gonna happen. you try coming home with a head full of meth and sitting in this fucking house all night. I gotta be out moving around at all times, like a fucking shark. I just finally told my mom "watch Jaws. you gave birth to a fucking white shark. watch it, understand it."

[Awful Me]

Ron on the Doo Rag:

"The Doo Rag says: 'hey, guess what...I'm about to fuck you up.'"

[Awful Me]

Pepper: My girlfriend says whatevs....

Ronnie B: I would drown her like a puppy.

[Awful Me]

DELETE:

Wrong Thread. I'm an ass.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Can't you just give her $100 on a card?
Ron: Pfft...that'd be gone in too fast. She'd be on the phone with her dealer in a heartbeat. I'd be better off calling him up and saying, "Hey, send some rocks on over to Mom"

[Arch Stanton]

Pajamagram live read:
Ron: Uh Fez, I called that number and a women offered me a blowjob.
Fez: Did you dial 1-800......PJ?
Ron: PJ? Oh, I thought it was BJ

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dave: Is that really a good idea? Being locked in the house with all that alcohol and firearms?
Ron: That would be a fantastic way to go out...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Order quickly before supplies run out--
Ron: SUPLISE!! IT'S MOTHAH'S DAY! SUPLISE!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Hey Fez, can you tell us what cum tastes like?
Fez: ...no, I can't do that!
Ron: If you told them what it tastes like, maybe they'd stop calling up and asking
Fez: Umm....like...sweet liquor??
Ron: Nooooo, I highly doubt that

[NortonsHeiny]

Ok Lenay call in back in an hour to repeat another one of my lines....

[Sack of Chisels]

from 50 states.

Ron: It's very interesting that your brother writes for LA Weekly and you just write weakly.
Dave: Yea, once a week.
Ron: No, weakly. w-e-a-k-l-y.

[TonyBagels]

4-24, after another miscommunication

You guys have a producers meeting each day where, apparently, nothing gets said.

[TonyBagels]

4-24, to P-Hicks about protecting Lappy 5000

Ron: ..If I'm cut off from the world, look at who I'm in here with. Look at these two. I want you guys to say 'We're all that Ron has.'
Fez & Dave (in unison): We're all that Ron has.
Ron: Imagine how disappointing that would be.

[MilkmanDan]

Fez during a live read : .... And you can personalize your bear anyway you want to.

Ron : Do they have the Panic Attack bear?

[Awful Me]

On Fez's Dirty talk


"This is sound of drying...krrrrkrkrkrkrkr krrrrrrrrkrrk"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : If you wore a helmet when I was a kid riding around on a minibike, it might as well be a vagina on your head.

[dilznick101]

Ron: They were having a contest. "Razzles. Is it a candy or a gum?'. I sent in a thing it just said "gum". ..."gum".

Fez: How did you do?

Ron: I won mini bike.

Fez: *laughter*

Ron: So, things were going my way there for a while.

[livebackwards]

5/7/09:

Ron: Hold on real tight, because we’re on the 36th floor-
Fez: Oh, you don’t need to remind me.
Ron: And I heard security saying earlier, “I don’t know if this thing can hold together another day.”
Fez: You know, security shouldn’t be discussing that out in public.
Ron: Well, they were talking to each other, and one of ‘em was crying.

[DrK]

5/6/09

A chocolate eclair is God's way of saying, "Look, I'm not mean all the time."

[livebackwards]

(singing along to "1999")
Ron: "Got a lion in my pocket, and baby it's ready to roar!" That's his dick!

[TonyBagels]

5-5 (to Fez)

You have to keep up with the slang. 'Cause I like it when they laugh with you...and I like it better when they laugh at you.

[TonyBagels]

5-5, during a live read for some mother's day ad where Fez suggested getting one for grandma

Ron: Somethin' for the grandma too!?
Fez: Oh Yeah!
Ron: I want to get her a thing that says, "How long have you been dead now?"

[TonyBagels]

And another thing I want to say to the women of Northern California: Clean it up down there. It's 2009.

[happytypinggirl]

about fez's "grooming habits"

it would be like a giant tumbleweed with a babys toe sticking out of the center of it.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron Bennington of the future is not me. I am Ron.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The cervix is waaaay further than you want to go boys. That's where it goes from being the lovely vagina to being the innards!

[Arch Stanton]

BTW your the executive producer Fez right? So if you want to get anything done, send a telegram to Earl.

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Thanks for calling Elizabeth, and send me a picture of your koontz.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Is he an actor? Is he a movie star? Is he white? I said he's a home owner!

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

To Fez:
"I know your upper body strength and there's no way you could lift up your own balls."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You should have the Swedish dingleberry

[Arch Stanton]

Anyone who notices a manikin is gay.

[Arch Stanton]

Gay Connundrum:

hmmm, should I go out and buy a pair of pants? or suck a cock.

[Arch Stanton]

All sports mascots....Gay. Mr Met, The Philly Phanatic!!!! So gay!

[Arch Stanton]

Yeah, I have spies. Don't think you can run around and bad mouth the show behaind our backs.

[Arch Stanton]

So we get these steaks sent in here from Smith and Wils and they were thick. NY Strips. I mean 7 or 8 inches thick. It may as well have come with the head of the cow on the plate. The butcher must have just peeled the skin off and cooked it.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: What was that thing you ate that made you the biggest joke in the world?
Fez: Lettuce Wraps
Ron: Lettuce Wraps???????

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, do this:
Eat like we do
Date like we date
Do what we do

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I can see why the name Ron is in the phone number, but why Fez?
Fez: Makes it easy to remember

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez, you need to start looking at your shirt as a napkin with buttons

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: Check the record and you will see I didn't say ball bag.
Ron: I have a girl that does the run down of the show everyday, let's see...
Oh here it is:
Quote by Fez "I take the ball bag and empty the cum down my throat."
Fez: I didn't say any such thing!

[twotoes]

Ron: "I have a feeling that when 'Lost' is over, it will show a retarded kid looking into a snow globe and they'll say he made the whole thing up."

[Arch Stanton]

To be humble and not know your own talent is a rediculous thing.

[twotoes]

Ron: DTABR my friend. DTABR.
Fez: What's that?
Ron: Don't Trust Anyone But Ron.

[Arch Stanton]

D T A B R

Don't trust anybody but Ron

[BIV]

Ron: For you dave, it's D-T-A-E-R
Dave: Don't trust....what is that?
Ron: Don't trust anyone, even ron.

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron to Dave: "I wouldn't confide in you because you're worthless. it'd be like talking to a fire extinguisher."

[Arch Stanton]

If I wasn't in the Radio business, I would go back into the B&E business......Breaking and enterring.

[TonyBagels]

(about the I Kissed a Girl song)

This song is as bad as American Idol

[TonyBagels]

(about fast food having to be portable and Fez wanting a holdable pie)

So like a Mo-Po-Pie, or a cum pie?

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Dave I have a show for you on a channel, are you familiar with Jon and Kate plus 8?
Dave : Yes, i've always wanted to be on TV
Ron : Ok here it is, Dave and Jew + 2.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Can I play Devil's Advocate here?
Fez: Yeah, please.
Ron: The devil's a great guy. The devil's a fantastic guy.

[Arch Stanton]

I was in a War...The War on Drugs. I was with the opposition. Nancy Reagan didn't even get us to s stalemate.

[Arch Stanton]

When I was in school, I wasn't allowed to bring lissors home. My Father said, your the one in public school, the rest of us aren't.

[OhioPest]

When I was in school, I wasn't allowed to bring lissors home. My Father said, your the one in public school, the rest of us aren't.

Knissors maybe :action-sm

[Arch Stanton]

Cougar Discussion:
Loni Anderson....How 'bout Louie Anderson


Sigourney Weaver.....How 'bout Earl Weaver

[Arch Stanton]

Monday is gonna be the next Cougar update, and it's gonna be Nancy Reagan.

[Arch Stanton]

Tomorrow...The Last Ron and Fez Show...Noon to Three...The Last Ron and Fez Show Noon to Three

[Large Marge]

Couple days ago when fez brought up the religious high school.

As soon as I said to my mom 'I want to go to the other mass with the other kids.' the day that happened, I went to what I like to call 'Our Lady of Dunkin' Donuts'

[Awful Me]

On Dave making fun of Lenay D.'s lisp:

"If I was a kid, I'd rather get banged in the ass than find out I was retarded on a radio show"

[Arch Stanton]

The What Show, broadcasting from the compound.

[CousinDave]

Knowing Earl the way I do, I know he's going to find some way to fuck this up.

[Awful Me]

On Fez's Shirt:

Fez: It's a lovely shirt

Ron: If you're a pack of cigarettes.

[flatterfit]

...that was an M. Night Shyamalam moment...who saw that coming?

[flatterfit]

Ron to Fez:
Elvis was born in a sturdier house than you!

[flatterfit]

I love liking it but not sure I like loving it.

[NortonsHeiny]

I have pages & pages of LOTD to post from my LOTD Diary so here goes...

Ron announces "If you are born with an American white cock its the same as holdng the winning lottery numbers."

[NortonsHeiny]

A caller calls & says that all women are bitches and cunts so Ron tells him "Wrong show...call back tomorrow around 7:30 am..."

[NortonsHeiny]

When Fez was complaining Nascar needed more safety stuff.."Why don't we get rid of the gas and just have donkeys pull the cars?"

[NortonsHeiny]

To Fez on boxing needing to be safer..."Instead of hitting with gloves they should hit each other with pillows?!"

[NortonsHeiny]

From Earls phone call about his Black Rock Book..."I've got news for you, In Living Color is going to be four chapters."

[NortonsHeiny]

More Earl call..."The new working title should be this is going to be hard, I can't even come up with a title."

[NortonsHeiny]

Someone tells Earl he will need to hire an advisor to finish this book, Ron says "I'll advise you faster Earl, and be more interesting."

[NortonsHeiny]

To Hard Rock Johnny on booking Earls book signing..."Put his on your calender Johnny as this is never going to happen."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez tells Hard Rock Johnny to watch out for Earl opening his own place called the Black Rock Cafe, Ron adds "the ribs are unbelievable."

[NortonsHeiny]

Rons suggests Earl name his book "Here's your money back."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Earl "All kidding aside Earl..... I look forward to laughing and saying to you I knew you couldn't finish this....."

[RMPGP]

After ZMan tells them he's the only one who chooses who can be inducted into the "Cougar Hall of Fame".

Ron: "I dunno, Fez, I think it's too much power for one man to wield"

[NortonsHeiny]

To Dave, "By the way your eyebrows bother me and that's all I'm gonna say about that. There like two albino catapillars having sex."

[NortonsHeiny]

On the Montauk Monster..."Which used to be Opie's name when he boxed."

[NortonsHeiny]

On whether the Montauk Monster could be little Carby "I know he was upset after the molestation and of course the eye cancer....Which turned out to be just a bad case of sleepies."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron's name for the Weekend Best Ofs..."Whatleys Smorgasboard of Sweedish Cum Juice"

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron asks Fez "What fast food do you want made that isn't being made? Cock pockets?"

[Arch Stanton]

I was in second grade and asked for a knife. They asked why? I said none of your business. Just give me the fucking knife.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I smell the pissiness in here. An OnA intern pissed himself earlier in here.
Ron: If the smell of pissiness bothered me, I would have stopped doing a show with you a long time ago.
Fez: Yeah, well I don't do it on purpose.

[happytypinggirl]

after fez told a story about a woman in four winds acting crazy

how odd, someone going crazy in an insane asylum. what are the odds?
1:1

[happytypinggirl]

telling fez-- why you cant get lost in manhattan.

anywhere you go..when your feet get wet just turn around and go the other way.

[Awful Me]

In response to a caller who said Pinball machines lost to video games because they are more expensive to fix

Ron: Steak is more expensive than a hotdog, because it's better.

[OhioPest]

I go out of the way to root for the people who speak the language that I speak.
The language that I speak???
Racism.

[TonyBagels]

5-1

Fez: If I feel that I've been wronged I want revenge. I want to hurt the other person back.
Ron: Have you ever done that in your real life?
Fez: Well I've tried to..you know, I've written letters about bad service.
Ron: Oh I see.
Fez: I've made phone calls.
Ron: So your idea of revenge is...
Fez: 311 to make a taxi cab driver's hell.
Ron: So let someone else do it. That type of revenge. Not exactly the Charles Bronson type of revenge.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller talking about his multiple middle-named child

Ron: Sean James Earl Ray Bradley, cute...I'll just call him Shooter

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: I got an ichiban...I read a report that shows that bullying causes schizophrenia
Ron: Good! Maybe the other personality can fucking defend himself

[twotoes]

About pranking with siblings...

Ron: Boy, your brother would make you feel real retarted when you were little.

Fez: Mine really did.

Ron: He still does.

[Arch Stanton]

Fezzie, you just got hit with a truth bomb. It landed in your lap and blew off your left nut.

[Arch Stanton]

When I was a kid, we would watch the cargo ships come down the Deleware, and they had men working all around them, and I know this because we used to throw rocks at them. Now you see a cargo ship come down and it has a Captain, a tug boat with one mate on it. It is a shame that these days a kid doesn't know the feeling of throwing a rock at someone on a boat and the chance that they will jump off and come after you.

[Arch Stanton]

I don't want a Jury by my Peers. I want a professional attorney. I don't want Anthony, who just tries to make Opie laugh on the Jury. I don't want Michael Savage on there, he may be in a bad mood that day. Mad Dog??? All he does is look at his blackbury, checking score updates.

A Jury of my peers? They are all nuts!

[Arch Stanton]

Your just attacking women right now and not having a conversation with me. Your angry with women because they have what you don't...a vagina.

[TonyBagels]

There was so much coke around, that even fuckin' 80's music sounded good.{sniff} What are they called? Cinderella?

[Arch Stanton]

Discussion about MTV new show, Pregnant and 16:

You know how bad these kids want to get on that MTV? You know they are gonna get knocked up to get on there.

[Arch Stanton]

As The Paul-O:
Louie CK...more like FU CK..a geh geh geh for the Oscar!

[Arch Stanton]

About Paul-O to Fez:
Hey Fez, you were right about cockblocking Paul-o's appearance today, He knows nothing!

[twotoes]

I'm going to write a sitcom called "Hold On, I Gotta Take A Piss First."

[Arch Stanton]

Every sitcom should have the line:

Hold on, I gotta take a piss.

Then do this...Hold on, I gotta take a piss...and a shit too. That will take up a half hour, and then your at the end of the episode.

[Awful Me]

On Casey giving birth twice in one year:

"That's a record for a Non-Mexican!"

[twotoes]

About Casey having two babies in one year:

"By the way, that's a record for a non-Mexican."

(damn, I was one minute late, shit!)

[Awful Me]

Comparing Dave and Paul-O

"You are both in a hole that you can't get out of except for Sweet Death"

[Arch Stanton]

When you have 2 babies in a years time, you are out in the field picking beans within days of the birth of the second one.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Today's Beanie Cup goes to a guy who has been engaged in the show from start to finish. Fez Whatley!!!
Fez: Really....wow, Ok hit Satellite, I want to still get the Beanie Cup today.
Ron: Well, you were involved in everything. You were opinionated, sometimes right and sometimes wrong, and let me tell ya, that makes me so very happy.
I know it won't happen all the time, but I hope it does, becasue it means that much to me.

[Awful Me]

On Kate:

I'd fly to Orlando and kick her in the cunt till it was dry

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : There's something about women and boats. If you invite a woman to go out on a boat with you, its like saying "I cant wait to see those tits come out".

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Who knows what happens to womens pussies when they hit saltwater, just go nuts.

[twotoes]

Don't fall in love on a sunny day, cuz she'll never look that good again.

[little e]

ESD: She lost a lot of weight after having the last baby without even doing anything.
Ron: That's the great thing about not having any food in the house.

[NortonsHeiny]

On the time change of the show.."I've always believed that the early bird is an asshole."

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron to Fez: "If you had one wish, would you wish that you weren't you?"

[happytypinggirl]

talking about the pool at the hard rock cafe:

where you dont have to leave the pool to hear the end of inna gadda da vida


ok i know i botched that..but it was close.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron: Now (So and So's going to be on our show)
Dave : I say we give him a piece of our ass !
Ron : Eww.

[TonyBagels]

5-6 (about watching the next Harry Potter movie)

Fez: I just hope there's a happy ending to all this.
Ron: Ewww, disgusting

[TonyBagels]

5-6

Fez: Dr Steve has left an audio message for you. It's odd.
Ron: Is the message: 'I have pure morphine'? Then I'd love to hear from him

[Awful Me]

On Dave's Skin Color:

You might get bit...you look a little bit like Juicy Fruit to begin with.

[Awful Me]

On Fez:

You could start doing great, and it would take us 5 years to get our reputation back, so who cares.

[TonyBagels]

5-22, as Fez takes a call from Rachael

Fez: OK, Rachael. What can I do for you?
Ron: Who's Rachael?
Fez: Rachael's from my dentist's office.
Ron: Tell her that you're a gap-toothed bitch and there's nothing they can do about it.

[Arch Stanton]

(After Rejoiner Elvis Costello, Red Shoes live plays, that Ron sang along to)

Hey Pepper Hicks, you don't know the music, you just don't know the music. Can you get Earl on the phone for me?

[Arch Stanton]

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you listen to the Ron and Fez Show, I ask that you do not wear Confederate Flags on your shirts, jeans or bumper stickers. I feel it is a downer for the Country. And that goes for that Texas Flag too. And I'm talking to you Willie Nelson, I like the song Winding River, but that Texas Flag is a symbol of hatred to the Mexicans.

[Angelfuck]

Caller: long time caller, first time listener
Ron: I'm glad you decided to start listening

[TonyBagels]

5-22 about Al Dukes effect on the NY callers

He used to make the audience so fuckin' angry...and the New York audience, they're not like you fuckin' people. You're nice people, you get on the phone, you call in, you say nice things. Al got on the ph...ahh, Al was on with us. I got him to admit that if a baby fell into the East River, and started floating, that Al would not dive in after it. He goes, 'No. I'm not gonna risk my life for a baby.' The fuckin' New York callers were goin', 'I will fuckin' kill you! I will fuckin' tear your lungs out and fuckin' shit in your fuckin' empty chest!' New York callers are the best there's ever fuckin' been. And that's why people are going {in a whiny voice}' Ew the show is, ah duh duh duh.' No, the fuckin' callers are different.

[TonyBagels]

5-22, about people loving Kennedy

The only reason why you loved him is because he couldn't duck.

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave- Instead of FUCK Twat we could go dash-dash-dash Twat the Clown?

Ron- Thats great but you're one dash short. I don't want him to be FUN Twat the Clown.....

Best part of this line was hearing my little Chris Stanley belly laugh in the back ground.

[little e]

(on the phone with ESD who says he's with a doctor)

Ron: You got confused looking at his driver's license. He's not a doctor, he's from Maryland.

[tss28]

ESD: Im doing a little whiskey and milk right now, its a kind of a fun thing
RB: Oh yeah, that’s good for you, helps. Helps, uh, you know what that does, it helps do away with your uh, later years.
Fez: That’s what Laverne Lafazio would enjoy
RB: Excuse me Fez, when im getting a laugh like that, never fucking step on it

[TonyBagels]

On Casey giving birth twice in one year:

"That's a record for a Non-Mexican!"

Here's the whole transcript:

Dave: My wife has given birth to two kids in less than a year.
Fez: My mother gave birth to four, I remember.
Ron: Yeah, but not in the same year. That's a record for a non-Mexican. We're talking non-Mexican records! By the way, you guys are really living like Mexicans now.

[TonyBagels]

Don't fall in love on a sunny day, cuz she'll never look that good again.

which was of course, advice to men that live in Seattle

[TonyBagels]

5-21, continuing the Mexican comparison, to Dave

Why don't you do this: black beans & rice it up, for dinner tonight...and pray to the Virgin Mary to come and help you.

[TonyBagels]

5-21

Ron: Dave, just so you can look at it from our point of view, remember when we used to talk to Paul-O on the phone?
Dave: yeah.
Ron: THAT'S YOU NOW!!!!

[TonyBagels]

5-21

Ron: You know what happened when Earl left, right?
Dave: I do.
Ron: Yeah, the bosses were like, 'Maybe that other guy was dragging it (the show) down.' We were in that meeting yesterday.

[TonyBagels]

5-21

Dave: You have no idea what it's like!
Ron: No, of course not! I plan things in my life. I put a little moves in between. I put a little distance.

[TonyBagels]

5-21

Dave: I'm superstitious. If I take the abortion route, I'll go to Hell.
Ron: Well, where are you now, Dave?

[TonyBagels]

5-21, about Adam Lambert not winning


I can't go to a record store and ask for the new CD by Screamy McCock Breath.

[TonyBagels]

5-21, about American Idol
Fez: I'm not gonna watch it next year.
Ron: {very quietly} Man, I hope everyone will say that.

[TonyBagels]

5-21, about Chris Daughtry

Ron: I think he's gay. Chris Stanley, do you think he's gay?
P-Hicks: He's totally gay.
Ron: And the main reason is because he was on American Idol.

[TonyBagels]

5-21, about Adam Lambert not winning

Ron: Oh, do you that Adam Lambert can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery?
Fez: No, I don't know that. Because of his personal lifestyle?
Ron: Because he's not Jewish.

[TonyBagels]

5-21, about Dave asking for help after the two kids

Ron: It's like someone lit the carpet in their living room on fire and calls you up and says, 'Can you come over here with a bucket, some water, and new carpeting?'

[TonyBagels]

5-21, to caller who found his young son searching for 'tits', who asked not to tell mom

You have something over him. Every time he mouths off, you can say, 'What did you say Safe Search?'

[TonyBagels]

5-21

In the history of the human race, there's nothing more honest and funny that someone saying, 'Please don't tell my mom.'

[TonyBagels]

5-21

This fuckin' country that used to be about being free is more about the masses feeling safe. It used to be the fuckin' land of the free, home of the brave. Now, we're basically land of the safe, home of the coddled. We are coddled and we are safe. We've fuckin' given up on whether or not we are in charge.

[TonyBagels]

5-21

Dave: I want to come back to work.
Ron: Well we have never been as smooth...Chris stanley has just been unbelievable.

[TonyBagels]

5-21, to Dave

Could you just understand how far your life is away from Anthony’s? From the fun life that he has. Here’s a man that you work shoulder to shoulder with and you could not have gone more in the opposite direction.

[TonyBagels]

5-21

{audible baby sounds}
Dave: I’m sure you don’t hear that in Anthony’s basement.
Ron: Yeah you do, when they cum.

[TonyBagels]

5-21

Caller (to Fez): suppose your parents had followed your advice for Dave & Casey, you wouldn’t even be here.
Ron: Oh, I would’ve loved that.

[TonyBagels]

5-21

Ron: And there’s 48 states.
Fez: There’s 50.
Ron: Yeah, like I’m gonna count Eskimos and Hawaiians.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: How are you Ronnie?
Ron: I'm laughing on the inside hunny.

[happytypinggirl]

Talking about bicyclists who are in the road, and going too slow....

You're riding around on a childrens toy and expecting me to treat you like a buick!

[happytypinggirl]

there was some line about a shipping cockroaches out west in a string of matchbook cars. i cant remember it, but it killed me!

[JordanSRT10]

"Give each deer a deer canoe and send them out over the ocean"

[BIV]

"If we are keeping track, Hitler wants to ship the deer in train cars and steralize them."

Not exact, but you get the point.

[dilznick101]

Chris Stanley: What are they gonna have next? Moose Fucking Month?

Ron: I don't think I could fuck a moose. I'd be staring at a moose pussy.

Chris Stanley: It's fine you just pop a couple viagra and you're fine.

Fez: Would the moose have viagra?

Ron: It's not gonna be a gay moose, hopefully. That's sick.

[dilznick101]

His Mel Gibson rant was fuckin great. A bunch of great lines in there but the one that really got me was...

"I could get a Bayer aspirin commercial TODAY if I wanted. ...I could get a Bug Fucking commercial right now if I wanted. Pro or con. How many of you mother fuckers can say that?"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Susan Boyle she's a bad loser, she's like a ugly half-retarded Billy Martin. If she wins she's jumping around like Herman Munster

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: See Fez, I think that you could wind up in a situation where the balls are hitting each other like clackers! "It's not so much the ass-sex, but it's the balls smacking into mine"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, looking at R Feast Side Dave's twitter...
<Fez explodes in laughter>

[hudsonharden]

On Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:

I still call him Lew Alcindor, because I want to use his slave name.

[Arch Stanton]

OK, I am gonna make myself the spokesman for Gays for Channel 202, unless someone on OnA wants to do it. They do have Kenny over there.

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"Get that fucking music off, every time I hear that song, I feel like Billy Joel's screaming Uptown Girl at me."

[Arch Stanton]

Why don't you do this, call Earl and get him in here since it is so hard to pull music.

[TonyBagels]

5-20, about trial of your peers
No one would be fuckin’ scared of going to court if they looked up and saw 12 people with nose rings. I my can get away with having no lawyer. I don’t need you suit-y. These are my people.

[TonyBagels]

5-20, about Grand Jury Duty

Caller: what time do you start over there in New York. Must be like 1, 2 o’clock.
Ron: No, it’s not. It’s fishing hours. It’s some crazy O&A hours. It’s not the time I wake up. It’s the time that Anthony wakes up.

[TonyBagels]

5-20

P-Hicks: My Grandmother had to go do that for a month. And she loved it. Fuckin’ weird.
Ron: Ask her if she wants to go as Mr. Bennington.

[TonyBagels]

5-20, 20 questions about a celebrity citing, to P-Hicks

Fez: Is she a sports figure?
Ron: Yes.
Fez: Is it Martina Navrotalova?
Ron: No.
Fez: Is she a tennis player.
Ron: Yes. See he is good. He’d be killing you right now. You’d be asking questions like, “Does she wear shoes?” or “Does she get wet when it rains?”.

[TonyBagels]

5-20

Fez: I was the one kid in school who routed for her (Billie Jean King) against Bobby Riggs.
Ron: How fuckin’ old are you!? Bobby Riggs!? WOW!

[TonyBagels]

5-20

Ron: And that’s administrative?
Fez: Yes.
Ron: I thought administrative meant paperwork. But you’re gonna find, Fez, that there’s a lot of words that I don’t know. But there are some that I know that you don’t.
Fez: Like what?
Ron: Cunilingous

[TonyBagels]

5-20, about talking to a therapist

In talking to a psychiatrist, they should say, “Who gives a shit, you were 5!”

[TonyBagels]

5-20, about a woman who makes more than a male caller and keeps telling him about it

Why don’t you say this, “Honey, I’m doing a lot for this relationship. I’m stopping myself from punching you. I’m stopping my shoe from going into your cunt. I’m stopping my thumb from giong into through your eye.”

[TonyBagels]

5-20, to a caller who’s wife stands to inherit a lot

When you look at her dad, do you keep telling yourself, “I can’t wait till he’s dead.”?

[TonyBagels]

5-20, about a caller who got a text from his wife who sent him a text about finding his pot

Yeah, you fuckin’ married your mom. You send me that text like that, and you better be misspelling words ‘cause you’re running. ‘Cause I will chase you down.

[TonyBagels]

There was so much coke around, that even fuckin' 80's music sounded good.{sniff} What are they called? Cinderella?

just before this he said (about getting cocaine from the bosses so P-Hicks) doesn’t have to sleep

Fez: I don’t think that can be put in as an office supply list.
Ron: This is radio. I remember the 80’s. {sniffs loudly} Smells like a hit. Smells like a hit.

[TonyBagels]

5-20

I want to write a sitcom called, Let Me Take a Piss First. In every episode, he gets in an argument with his wife and he says, “Hold on. Let me take a piss first.”

[TonyBagels]

5-20

Once, I was gonna get in a conversation with my dad and he said, ‘Hold on. Let me take a piss first.’ So I’m waiting and I’m waiting. So then I go, ‘Dad?’ He says, ‘I changed my mind, it was a shit.’ By that time, a half hour went by and the show was over.

[TonyBagels]

5-20

Ron: Anyone that keeps his shoes on when he’s walking around his house is a kid toucher.

[TonyBagels]

5-18, to Fez

I don't know what time you woke up, but this is the earliest I've ever woken up without having a fishing pole. I'm serious.

[TonyBagels]

5-18

Caller: It's great to have you guys on at 11. I'm always in the car at this time.
Ron: You're always in the car at 11. Why would anyone be awake so early in the morning.
Caller: I have work.
Ron: What do you do, deliver newspapers?

[TonyBagels]

5-18, truly prophetic

Ron: And Fez is gonna give us his Idol pick.
Fez: Going with Lambert. Or as they're calling him online, Glam-bert.
Ron: I don't think it's going to happen, Fez. I think the middle of this country is going to beat this kid. I don't see him getting any of the red state votes, it's just not gonna happen.

[TonyBagels]

5-18, about the Union inflatable rat

Fez: It's not a friendly rat. It's a giant scary rat.
Ron: Well, it's not Disneyland. It's saying you're a fuckin' rat. You're a Fez Whatley. We ought to get a giant Fez Whatley blown up and put it in front of anyplace that's not, uh..well Fez is ratting on.

[TonyBagels]

5-18

Daily Leeder: Yeah, you guys were so much better when you were on at 12. Hey Ron, what does pussy taste like?
Ron: It tastes like heaven.

[TonyBagels]

5-18, about being on at 11

Look we're doing our best. We're trying our hardest for you, the satellite subscriber. And I say satellite, because I really don't know the name of the company anymore.

[TonyBagels]

5-18

When I can do this show in total silence, I'll be at my happiest.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I've got to, uh....really listen to Wackbag

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: I gotta give it to Ronald Reagan for his political work later on
Ron: Ronald Reagan...political work?
Fez: When he was the President of the United States.
Ron: Wow...I really had some bad blackout

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: 1981-1989
Ron: That...was in one of my bad 3 decades

[Arch Stanton]

Since 9/11 happened I would like to change Christmas to 12/25.

What are you doing for 12/25......Merry 12/25

[Jimmy's Dignity]

about finding Frenchie a new lover...

Ron: Lets keep this in-house. Another 202 Incest Special

[TonyBagels]

5-18, about the rock and roll hall of fame

Ron: Not that all impressed?
Scruffy: No, not at all. It's horrendously overrated and it's kind of cliche.
Ron: Yeah it's cliche because we already have the Hard Rock Cafe. If the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame had an overpriced cheeseburger, we'd wouldn't need it.

[TonyBagels]

5-18, about rooting for Man U in the Champions League Final against Barcelona

I go out of my way to root for language first. And the language I speak, Fez...racism.

[TonyBagels]

5-18

Ron: Now, Fezzie, if I can be the devil's advocate for a moment.
Fez: Ok, please.
Ron: I'm the devil. The devil's a good guy, Arrrrhhhhhh. I', taking you to hell, AAAHHHHHH

[TonyBagels]

5-18, during an ashley madison read

Fez: It's a hundred percent secure, completely anonymous...
Ron: If anything I'm there for you 110%. That's the one hundred percent I'm gonna be there and then some phantom 10% that's impossible. That's how I feel about Fez Whatley.
Fez: Well, I appreciate that, but I'm just telling everyone about Ashley madison right now.
Ron: Sure, You're deflecting my friendship.
Fez: It's a hundred percent secure...
Ron: And I'm a hundred percent on your side.
Fez: Thank you...
Ron: Except for whatever you do in the weekends in Chelsea. And by that I mean gay.
Fez: It's probably not important right now.
Ron: It's important to me. The fact that I still stick by you, after you do the worst thing a man can do. I support you, while you support Ashley Madison. I think that says a lot about us.

[TonyBagels]

5-18, further in the read

Fez: Thousands have joined the site to have a discreet affair...
Ron: How discreet is it, if you're talking about it on the radio.

[TonyBagels]

5-18

Fez: You're gonna have an affair to remember, that is guaranteed.
Ron: Well first of all, isn't every affair gonna be remembered? Why have them?

[TonyBagels]

5-15, after a week's set-up

Ron: It's Ron & Fez, on a Friday. Go ahead, correct me Fez.
Fez: No, it's actually Friday.

[NortonsHeiny]

David Carradine found in the closet..

Chris- He was in the fucking closet too...

Ron- Yeah really....i wonder if he saw Fez in there.

[dilznick101]

Talking about David Carradine's mindset before dying:

"I can't sleep. You know what I'm gonna take this rope and tie one end of it around my balls and the other end around my neck and bust a super kung fu nut off. Then I should be able to pass out."

[TonyBagels]

5-15, new schedule

Ron: Alright, I wanna get into the new schedule. This is the last day of Ron & Fez noon to 3. Monday, and I believe every following Monday after that, it's Ron & Fez, uhhh, 11 to 3. 11 Am in the East and whatever that means in the other fuckin' coast. If you live outside the Eastern time zone, I'm sure you're gonna have to adjust all of the times. Now Tuesdays, Ron & fez noon to four. Uhh, Wednesday's it's Ron & Fez 11:30 to 4:30. That's a long one.
Fez: Yeah
Ron: Uhh, Thursdays, it's Ron & Fez 11 to 12. Music for an hour and fifteen minutes, and then more Ron & Fez up till four. Alright that's Thursday's Ron & Fez for an hour, music for an hour and fifteen minutes, I don't know who picks that out, and then Ron & Fez come back and finish the show. Now, uhh, Friday's, it's gonna be a wacky one. Every Friday from now on it's Fez from 11 to 1. That's Fez the solo shot. And then followed by an hour of weasel noises, both gnawing and squealing. and then another two hours of just Ron, just talking about girl's he's fucked in his past. And some of that might not be true. Sometimes, I just like to blow things up.
Fez: I'm gonna need a memo on that.
Ron: Alright, I just got a note from the Ass't Program Director. Besides, wanting us to start a fight with David & Bobo. It's now Ron & Fez 11:11 to 3. The ones to 3. The ones to 3. And that's the magic number. So this is where we are right now. The ones to three will be on Tuesdays

[TonyBagels]

5-15

I really believe that the early bird is an asshole. There's always enough worms throughout the day.

[Awful Me]

Ron takes 100 bucks from Fez that Fez lost on a bet to Dave:

Ron: I'll take this because Dave owes me

Dave: For what?

Ron: Your Career

[TonyBagels]

5-15

Here's the thing about scrapple. As in most people's favorite foods, they have to get to you at an early age. When you're eating these foods, it really about the comfort of childhood.

[Awful Me]

I'll lock myself in a vault before I close my eyes around some of these crazy bitches.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

About women who destroy men...

Caller: Phil Hartman
Ron: Phil made a mistake...he went to sleep

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: So you have to get two out of three correct, Hitler...or....Lincoln!
Ron: And the first question is...who did more damage to the world? Hitler or Lincoln??

[EarthCrisis]

it's foggy right now so forgive me.

Caller says something retarded

ronnie replies "Yeah you ARE from Oklahoma"

then hangs up on him.

hahah the little things in life.

[NortonsHeiny]

On receptionists: They're always so pleasant they are almost asexual....you'll never run into a receptionist who will ever say to you you know my pussy is so wet back here. I have to run into the bathroom and masturbate from all the men around.

[NortonsHeiny]

To Fez on managing Frenchies love life...
Ron- Besides I know words that you don't.
Fez- Like what?
Ron- Cunnilingus.

[NortonsHeiny]

If Ron was a receptionist..."Get the fuck away from me I'm trying to recept."

[NortonsHeiny]

On a guy caller being cheap.."Honey you know I love you but I'm cheap as fuck."

[NortonsHeiny]

To a caller who'se wife makes more money & brags about it..."Hey honey I'm doing alot of things to help this family. I'm stopping myself from punching you in the neck. Oh and this morning I stopped my shoe from going into your cunt."

[NortonsHeiny]

On doing Radio in the 80's.."There was so much coke around even the 80's music sounded good....What's this bands name Cinderella?"

[NortonsHeiny]

A Radio Shark Call....

Radio Shark-"You know the....."
Ron-'Fuuuuck You."

[NortonsHeiny]

Speaking with Sam about the O&A Staff....

Sam-"Steve C. has a girl, yes it's a woman."
Ron-"Well then I owe Fez five bucks on that one cos I thought for sure he'd be perfect for Fezzie."

[NortonsHeiny]

To Ron&Fez.net hating Sam.."Well they put you down as the guy that ruined the O&A show."

[NortonsHeiny]

Sam asks Ron how to make Special Delivery better.."Yea do a different show...just get two different guys."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron calls Sam a "Summertime Popcorn Movie Girl."

[NortonsHeiny]

Before listening to the District 9 clip..."This is District 9 and by the way there is no snow day today so District 9 kids will have school."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron wouldn't mind a jury of his peers if..."Nobody would mind if you looked up and saw 12 noses with 12 white rings around them. I'd fire the lawyer and say listen I call talk to these people myself."

[TonyBagels]

5-11, about Rihanna's Umbrella song

Yeah, that's the worst song in the history ofthe world. That actually made me want to hit her with an umbrella.

[TonyBagels]

5-11

We should take video of you for condom commercials, because you look like the weight of the world is on you right now.

[TonyBagels]

5-15, about Puerto Rico

Ron: It's a hole. Ever been down there?
Dave: No.
Ron: Fuckin' Puerto Ricans everywhere.

[TonyBagels]

5-15

NO, that's not what's stopping you. It's not the law that's keeping you from having sex with children, YOU SICK FUCK!!!

[TonyBagels]

5-15, about Jordan Sparks & Friday

I think she looks like young Friday. Friday from ronfez.net and wackbag, they have the same pretty face.

[TonyBagels]

5-15, about the Cher song

Fez: It goes: Do you believe in life after love, after love
Ron: I had no idea that's what she was singing. I thought she was singing, 'Do you believe I'm still wearing g-strings at this age?'

[TonyBagels]

5-15

Caller: I was wondering if Fez was going to Pridefest.
Ron: Why would Fez be going to Pridefest, when he has none himself. He should be going to shamefest, in his home town.

[TonyBagels]

5-15

Ron: You know your way around LA?
Fez: No! I've never been there before.
Ron: Well, you're gonna be going there at night. Kind of scary. I need you to pck up a package for me in Compton.

[TonyBagels]

5-11, after a caller says Jeromy Mayfield is in trouble with Nascar b/c of drugs.

You know it was bound to happen. His father Curtis Mayfield had his issues.

[TonyBagels]

5-11 BRC book

Earl: I guarantee that you'll have the first completed copy of this book.
Ron: Wow, that's flattering. But I would also like to get my picture on the cover of it.

[TonyBagels]

5-11, to Hard Rock Johnny

Fez: Johnny, this can be competition when the Black Rock Cafe opens up.
Ron: These ribs are unbelievable.

[TonyBagels]

5-11

Caller: You're giddy now. Come September you're gonna be so depressed.
Fez: Tim, why do you think I'm building him up and being all happy with him today. 'Cause this is our time to shine.

[TonyBagels]

5-11

What about this as a blurb: I wasn't able to put the book down, because Earl crazy glued it?

[Sack of Chisels]

6-5
"If I'm in Nebraska, you know what, I might rope up a little bit. But I'm in Thailand I'm gonna hit the room service fuckin' bell and have three 13 year olds sent up to the room"

[TonyBagels]

5-8

Fuckin' hate not having a dish. I gotta live like an animal. My fuckin' building...you gotta have cable like's it's 1983.

[TonyBagels]

5-8

By the way, how come we never promote RBI? We never talk about them on the Ron & Fez Show. Maybe if I went around and called myself Proflowers...

[TonyBagels]

5-8

Fez: I have not taken a bride, Ron Bennington.
Ron: Hmmm..that's hard to believe.

[TonyBagels]

5-8

Dave: I'm gonna have to keep a shorter leash, apparently.
Ron: You have a leash?
Dave: We have a leash.
Ron: By leash, do you mean you're on it?

[TonyBagels]

5-8, as an intern (Killer Joe)

Ron: Broadcasting in your future?
Killer Joe: I don't know.
Ron: I feel the same way.

[TonyBagels]

5-8

Dave: She just was at the doctor, and the doctor said...
Ron: No more jumping on the bed?

[TonyBagels]

5-13, about humble but really good sports stars

Fez: But don't you think Tim Tebow, from Florida is humble?
Ron: He should be, he fuckin' stinks.

[LiddyRules]

I cracked up from Schindler's List. But not for the reason you think. An old lady farted.

[TonyBagels]

5-13, following up the DTAE(even)R comment to Dave

Ron: I got beat up by two red heads when I was a kid. These kids were so fuckin' mean. And I'll never forget their taunts when they were doing it.
Fez: What were they saying?
Ron: You r@ped our sister. Over and over, they kept taunting me.

[TonyBagels]

5-13, about management being upset with Fez

Ron: Not to be mean here, Fezzie, but fat girls don't get love.
Fez: I think that might have been mean there.
Ron: Really? Because I meant to soften the blow.

[TonyBagels]

5-12

Dave: I can't stand when people ruin events, like a rock concert because they got too drunk...
Ron: Or a radio show, like you and Fez.

[TonyBagels]

5-12

Caller: Fez, do you think you can outrun your parents' two-legged dog?
Fez: Yes, that dog I can definitely outrun.
Ron: Alright, look, first of all, his parent's two-legged dog is his sister and I want you to have some respect for her.
Fez: It was their pug, not my sister.
Ron: Yes.
Fez: It was the short little one, with the smashed in face.
Ron: That's who I'm talking about.
Fez: IT WAS A PUG!
Ron: That was really a dog!?
Fez: Yes, that's a dog.
Ron: Oh my God! I'm a dog fucker.

[TonyBagels]

5-12

Ron: Let's let bygones be bygones. Because one time I banged Fez's sister on his dead grandmother's grave.
Fez: Why is that a joke?
Ron: Well, we were laughing.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: First of all, I thought one of those Williams sisters was Ricky Williams. Those girls are getting big...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron (as Dr. Steve's wife): I like to go to New York for Jew-watchin. That way you get to see them in their natural habitat

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Fezzie...if you're against torture, change your act. You're fuckin' killin me