Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[Christron]

hell yeah first post, i signed up just to get this gem in here

ESD: I know my dad never had good taste in music, he used to have one of those 6disc CD changers and the only CD in it would be Boston's "Greatest Hits"

Ronnie B: That's like playing russian roulette... but worse

[MilkmanDan]

(Dave about some restaurant)
Hicks : You only like that place because its free wine, but its white wine.. its garbage.
Ron : Like Dave.

[MilkmanDan]

Dave : My Grandmom would give us 7-up and Fig newtons. And I'd dip the Newton in the 7-up
Ron : Then you'd make out with her.

[TommyZman]

"Connecticut's a shitty little fucking state. I'm going there this weekend."

[TonyBagels]

(live from Stout)

Can everyone look around on the floor for Earl's ambition, because he's seemed to have lost it.

[TonyBagels]

(live from Stout)

If you're on audible, it's a weeknight. If you're listening to us live tomorrow, it's today.

[TonyBagels]

(live from Stout, about getting blown by his wife)

MLC: That's easy, none. That's the mother of my child. I don't even want that...
Ron: From a women!

[NortonsHeiny]

To Bobo when Bobo was on the stage trying to be funny: "You come on my show I'll fucking kill you."

[NortonsHeiny]

About Spam..."It's for people who can't afford scrapple."

[NortonsHeiny]

During the Newlywed game...."So far they are tied at stupid."

[TonyBagels]

(live from stout, after Crazed raps)

He's from the movie 8 Mongoloid.

[steveperry26]

Ron: Earl has changed his look he's carrying a bag now and hes got a job as a consultant incase other people don't know how to lean.

[Arch Stanton]

At Stout 09.24.09

(After a top notch Nature Boy by our beloved Fez)

Well, there goes all my Mackenzie Phillips jokes and bits. I mean, how do I follow that?

Amazing job by the Nature Boy. Let him hear it everybody! Wooooooo!

[TonyBagels]

9-24, to Fez


How old are you? You know what I wanna do, cut you in half and count the rings.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: So, are we getting this food yet?
Chris Stanley: We are sending in someone for the money now from Fez.
Ron: So what does the order look like
Chris: One breast.one thigh and 4 wings for each, and okra and greens
Ron: Why do we want to fill up on that when we got meat to eat
Dave: Well, it wouldn't be on the menu if it wasn't any good
Ron: Ya know, I have Fez back. I don't want you blabbering this crap any more

[Awful Me]

On the intro to Proud Mary:

"Just get to the song, Tina, or I'll have Creedence do it!"

[Awful Me]

Two Sinners we hate: Lucifer and Jim Neighbors.

[Arch Stanton]

To Studio:

Uh, you guys have no clue about what you are talking about.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : People spend so much time doing things they dont want to do, Fezzie what percentage of your day?
Fez : about 20% I guess
Ron : I spend 4 hours a day doing something I dont want. from 11-3.

[MilkmanDan]

(still on time spent bad)

Ron : On the plus side, I spend an hour a day thanking god that I'm not Dave.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I was a theatre minor , as you know I played Ensign Pulver.
Ron: So, you would go under and mine for emotion to bring up to the stage?

[MilkmanDan]

Dave : Tin cup had a crappy ending and
Ron : Beginning and Middle.

[Arch Stanton]

Discussing the phone ringing at the play. actor stops to deal with it:

Roche: I was at the play.....it was so bad. Anyway, how great would it be if the person answered the phone, had a conversation and said fuck off to the actors.
Ron: I don't think you were there and made up this whole story.
Roche: hangs up.
Ron: You see, he hung up. I was right.

[Arch Stanton]

Seriously, I just had a thought of Franklyn buring up on fire.

[Arch Stanton]

To Nico:
When it comes to street smarts your as dumb as a brick.

[Awful Me]

On nico's artistry:

I got a two eared van gogh over here.

[Arch Stanton]

To Nico:
Do you think that the insurance business is better then the drug business?

[NortonsHeiny]

To Nico...."Seriously I don't know how you keep a rope off of your neck."

[Arch Stanton]

To Nico:
You know, there are some fucking people that will pay for gay sex?

Ya know, some ones hairy ballsack bouncing on your chin while you suck?

[NortonsHeiny]

To Dave...."You seem like something Fez needs to wash off of his colon."

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:

Your such a fucking downer.

[Arch Stanton]

I also like to eat out of a skillet.

[Arch Stanton]

About Comfort food to HTG:


Wouldn't you like ice cream and a lettuce wrap?

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: Your not gonna eat grilled cheese or soup in Florida.

Ron: Yeah, it can kill you in Florida. I ate soup and died.

[Arch Stanton]

If I ever had Spagettios, ya know, you have to open a can, I would take that can top, slice my neck and bleed out.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: What's comfort food for you Nico?
Nico: Granola bar
Ron: What, Momma wouldn't let you have snack food as a kid?

[Arch Stanton]

To Nico:
I don't know how to tell you this, but you got a dick that looks like a thimble.

[MilkmanDan]

(Viewing Nico's picture)

Ron : You look like an old man that doesnt want to retire.

[Awful Me]

*In response to Nico asking if Ron had anything for him*

All i have for you is loathing....

[Awful Me]

To a dopey caller who disagreed:

I know it's a fact, because I just hung up on you, and that makes it a fact.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, you for your next bet should have to shave your head and have to wear a really bad toupe'

[Awful Me]

To Fez on needing someone to help go to the hospital with him:

"Why dont you go by one of them Rent-A-Bum places, pick up a mexican and let him hold your hand?"

[LiddyRules]

The problem with Friends is like it's like Journey. It's so corporate. You can be enjoying it for a few moments and then you remember that there's evil behind it.

[MilkmanDan]

(to Sam)
Ron : When are you gonna get married?
Sam : I dont really have the finances for a big wedding.
Ron : Just get married at the Hard Rock like a couple of animals.

[Awful Me]

After Fez keeps saying Skully instead of Sully:

This is my Wrongatorial.....THAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOOOU

[LiddyRules]

Describing the Pirates sequels

I guess the seaweed guy is fighting with the underwater octopus. There's 900 Johnny Depps and they went back in time and the boat is sailing on the desert.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: When Ron was asked if he could change his ethnicity, what was his answer?
ESD: Ummm....Asian!
<BZZZZZZZZZZT>
Fez: Puerto Rican?
<BZZZZZZZZZZT>
Ron: The answer was more white...

[Arch Stanton]

You know the only people who care about me are my chick and listener x.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Hicks, I want to thank you for reading Line of The Day.
Hicks: I read it everyday.

[Arch Stanton]

My best friend in here right now is this stapler.

[HaLLuCiN0]

Just me and my shadow... Me and Earl..

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez did you ever have a memory where you and I just went out and did something alone, just hanging out?
Fez : yeah!
Ron : Cherish it, not happening again.

[ScottyGams]

If you need a TV in your bathroom, just eat more fiber. you should not be watching Die Hard again while dying hard

[TonyBagels]

9-29 after Dave talks about drunks that do stupid shit should die

Kettle. Pot. Meet black.

[EarthCrisis]

hahah something about fighting the number four during a bad trip

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : No they have to put this long thin tube down my throat!
Ron : Would you feel more comfortable if there was a pair of hairy balls on the end?

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: We know Jesus wasn't black because black people do not wear sandals.
Ron: You ever see Earl wear sandals?
Fez: No
Ron: He despises them.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez, if you die tommorrow... I'll never have the chance to tell you how much I care about you. Come to think of it, if you die 50 years from now, I still won't.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: BTW, Fez, if you die tomorrow, there is something of yours I want.
Fez: What's that?
Ron: Every cent you ever made.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: If you die tomorrow, I promise to put your body in famaldahyde and take you around in side shows.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Imagine that the camera breaks off and goes all up in your innerds.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: No, she's on the rag right now actually!
Ron: That's what, the 3rd time since she's known you?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It's good to see an egg actually miss. She's dropping those things like atom bombs

[Arch Stanton]

They have banned smoking on the beach in California........The beach is giant ashtray!

[Arch Stanton]

Jordan, Oprah are from The Carolinas.

Is every black person from the Carolinas?

[Arch Stanton]

I got to use a bad word here.....A Hooah...A hooah

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: (after Jimmy Rollins grounds out to begin Game 1 of the NLDS) Lemme know when we're off, I got a word I really want to call him...

[NortonsGravyLeg]

Nothing to add here but does anyone else here go back and read a few pages of this thread. I always laugh my ass off just thinking of how the lines are delivered, the man is pure genius!

[TonyBagels]

9-29

See, that's what people don't understand about hunters. They love nature. They love sneaking up on nature and putting a bullet in it.

[TonyBagels]

9-29

If I ever had to have spaghetti-o's, I'd take that top of the can, run it across my nuts, and bleed out.

[LiddyRules]

I once got into a fist fight with the number four. I was tripping balls at the time. Tripping balls.

[twotoes]

To caller:

"The best way to deal with depression is to think about how bad things are going for you."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after interviewing Bai Ling (http://www.wackbag.com/showthread.php?p=3421611#post3421611)
ESD: She even wanted a cellphone picture with you
Ron: Yeah, took a little cellphone picture. She'll probably rub one out to that later...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Are we all in some sort of limbo? Like the shows died, but we just don't know it?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ant: So is Fezzie back in studio today? With all of his stuff?
Ron: Yeah, he's back with his ulcers...and polyps..and a little bit of AIDS

[Awful Me]

On If Fez dies soon:

"I'll milk that for 9 months after the funeral"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I like to say 'I don't care about you, the listener.'

[Chester'sLiver]

"If John Lennon was alive today...He would have 6 bullets in him and be a monster"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after Cole Hamels leaves Game 2 because his wife went into labor....
Ron: I did get a text from my dad saying, "I hope he loses his kid"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

about Fezzie's medical problems....

Fez: So yeah, I've got to call them on Monday to see what's up
Ron: They just put you in the 'He's a fuckin' mess' category

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: You know what Dave, I'm gonna write you a check.
Dave: Hey guys, Ron does have an actual check book in his hand. Wow.
Ron: Two Grand, here ya go. You should take it now and cash it.
Fez: Let me see that....hey, let me see that check. That's my check book.
Ron: Yeah, you left it with my chick.
I'm making the next one out to cunt hole......

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I got a call from my Uncle Ray yesterday & he blamed Lincoln....but he's got his own problems

[Awful Me]

On hearing the Spectrum is closing:

Breaks my heart. Ah, the bust I had there. Oh well, I guess you can't sell horse tranquillizers wherever you want....

[TonyBagels]

Here's the thing. If you don't want anyone to sell dust to you, walk around in your cop uniform. Don't go around in regular clothes and ask little kids to sell you something.

[dilznick101]

This Facebook has made everyone way to accessible. ...Like you need to see your high school girlfriend with the man of her dreams at 3 in the morning while you're wacked out of your mind.

[Awful Me]

On shitty Television shows:

BET pays by the hour.

[MilkmanDan]

(on Cameos in movies)

Fez : Yeah and I really liked that.
Ron : Speaking of Cameos , Fez Whatley ladies and gentlemen !

[TonyBagels]

Ron: what's your nickname for Lou Reed?
Dave: The cool Jew.
Ron: Then what are we gonna do for Nico?

[TonyBagels]

9-30

It's an urban myth, created by Urban Meyer. Which is the craziest...Most urban myths come from that prick, Fezzie.

[LiddyRules]

If John Lennon was alive today, he'd have six bullets in him and be an unkillable monster.

[Awful Me]

On Stephen Baldwins faith:

This stuff has gotta kill in the sticks.

[happytypinggirl]

Dave: Every race has been enslaved. Im irish but i still love england. i still love the beatles.

Ron: all of them?
Dave: Yes.

Ron: That includes Ringo....

[happytypinggirl]

Fezzie, i watch you come in here, and you've got right on your side...and then you trip and spill it, and it hits the fuckin floor, and you just sit in it.

[maz]

HAHAHAHA

During Fez's live read for Penny Stock Chasers

Fez - Always invest Wisely

Ron - Not me , I only invest when I'm Drunk


Fuckin' woke me up from my nap

[TonyBagels]

I was in Brooklyn over the weekend. I almost passed out because therte was too much sky there. It's just too much!!

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I would like to see a docmentary of Fez. a 24 hour a day one. I bet within the first 48 hours you will film him taking a shit in the tunnel on the subway tracks. But, not on the third rail...
Fez: No, never on the third rail.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Fez, you know at the live gig, you did all the charecters, you were on fire and killed. Was it because there were people there?
Fez: no, that's not it.
Ron: I was thinking like a fan, saying, he is great.

[LiddyRules]

On pennystock.com,

The race car, the shoe and the dog! We're all in this together. The iron is doing great! He's doing better than the battleship.

[Arch Stanton]

After the interview, Susie leaned in to give me a kiss and she said, I'm warning you, I have Tuna breath. Which, by the way, is what every woman should say.

[LiddyRules]

On the Peanuts Halloween special

"When that's coming on this year because I don't want to watch it on DVD."

[NortonsHeiny]

Harvey Milk Discussion...

Fez: He had bad relationships...
Ron: Well he had gay relationships so you are being redundant by saying bad.

[NortonsHeiny]

On Gays...."They are too busy roller blading in the park blowing whistles..."

[NortonsHeiny]

To Gays..."Use your heads....not its not just a place to put some others guys balls. The shorts are just to short, there's no need to have a ball flap hanging out."

[Arch Stanton]

Everyone of those guys should have had a case of Pepsi on their heads while marching.

Your head is not just a place to rest some other guys balls on.

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave: Kate Hudson is Americas sweetheart...
Ron: Well she was until she fucked everybody in Hollywood

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Is there smoke in here.....
Dave: Huh...what?
Ron: Is there smoke in here? ......Listen up, here comes Nature Boy

[Arch Stanton]

I pretty much cancelled that guest today......I read the book and it was not good....it was Trumps Daughter, Ivanka Trump

The title was:

I was born on third base and believe I hit a triple.

[TonyBagels]

9-30

rON: yOU KNOW WHO i WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BACK?
dAVE: wHO?
rON: fEZ



(SHIT CAPS LOCK WAS ON...FUCK IT)

[TonyBagels]

9-30

I know now that chest bumps are gay, 'cause Scruffy does it.

[Arch Stanton]

Vivica Fox just left
Fez: This room has never smelled better
Ron: That's because I just Farted.......We don't do fart jokes on this show, but if the occasion arises.....it can happen

[Arch Stanton]

My Dad cried when my Grandmother died and I asked him, are you crying because Grandma died or because you haven't sucked enough cock in your life.

[GrammatonCleric]

My Dad cried when my Grandmother died and I asked him, are you crying because Grandma died or because you haven't sucked enough cock in your life.

Right before that.

Ron: The one time I saw my dad crying was when my grandmother died, and I said, "Oh look at the little faggot having a cry for himself."

[LiddyRules]

*On Fez staring, his back to the microphone, for five minutes*

"I had a thought balloon pop up that said 'what the hell does he think he's doing?'"

[West Coast Ben]

on why sleeves doesnt like the members of the show:

"We're shit...
We're basically shit, wiped on toast, and forced into the mouth of a sick kid."

[Arch Stanton]

I think Franklyn and Earl are in cahoots....he wanted Drew Brees and offered a bag of White Castles for him.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I benched that fucker last week down in Tampa. Fuckin' Winslow...I hate you and your father!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While talking about Glenn Beck & his television show...

Ron: He's got Bennington's energy, but Whatley's logic...

[Awful Me]

How they found out the amount of Helium in the balloon was enough to carry the kid's weight:

"He called the guy from NUMB3RS"

[thefirebuilds]

Ronny was actually right. Coors finishes the brewing process at 12.2% alcohol and is then mixed in a 3 to 1 water to beer ratio.

did you just repost that from boringbeerrecipes.com?

[TonyBagels]

10-1

I was looking up the symptoms of AIDS...it's loss of eyebrows and throwing up at every break.

[TonyBagels]

10-1, about his (Cub Scout) Den Mother going home, pouring gas on herself, and lighting herself

I remember my dad going to us, 'Are you guys satisfied now?'

[TonyBagels]

10-1

Dave: I got a 3.5 grade point average.
Ron: Out of a hundred.

[TonyBagels]

10-1

If I'm gonna listen to Arch, I'm gonna hear him sing Danny Boy.

[LiddyRules]

*On the Balloon Boy*

And one person couldn't hold their shit together. Little Falcon Mecurio.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I like guarding my identity, because I don't want people to find out my middle name. It's kind of embarrassing.
Fez: What is it?
Ron: Master of the pussy lips

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl Douglas is no longer my best friend...he was running down the Phillies last night on his Twitter
Fez: He's showing his true color!
Ron: Well, he's always shown his true color...he can't really hide that

[Arch Stanton]

I wanted to be on a good radio show and I ended up on Ron and Fez.

[LiddyRules]

Dave: You're [Matty Friday's] on the Blink 182 list!
Ron: That means All Access

*between Pizza Hut and Taco Bell*
Ron: I have one word for you T-Bell boys: Jackpot!

[TommyZman]

Come on...she's retarded! While she's licking her taffy, just slip your dick in her mouth and she won't know the difference.

[EffinC]

Mr. B: Well retards can't get pregnant. Wait....Can a retard get pregnant?
Fez: Oh Yes!
Mr. B: Alright, I've heard everything

[EffinC]

Wow, he almost instantly topped my last nomination!

Mr. B: Well I have her yearbook right here. And looking at it, for her aspirations it says: To Grow a Dick

[happytypinggirl]

(Talking about people who get excited to say fuck on the radio)

i dont care if you say fuck or lunchmeat....its all the same thing. Stop being children.

[happytypinggirl]

(imtating getting a call from someone that they just tried to kill themself) "oooooooh i just took a bunch of pills."

(ron) got any left? THEN i'll come over

[Awful Me]

*on what to do if your plane is going down*

My natural instinct would be to grab other people's wallets

[Awful Me]

EDIT: Double post

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Ron I once broke up with a girl on instant messenger.
Ron : Well thats ok because you live on long island. Its like lord of the flies out there, I'm not even sure there's electricity.

[Chimp Pembry]

Dave: "Fuck the crown, I got a throne and a staff, all ready to go."
Ron: "I wish I had a staff. I'd have a much better show."

[MilkmanDan]

(on sports teams being inspired by illness)

Dave : I remember when Joe Torres brother had cancer
Ron : Yeah that was great

[Chimp Pembry]

I've had this as a footer for my blog since it happened, because it was the most epic thing I've ever heard on radio:

"I am gonna fucking rain shit, at fucking three o'clock. Rain. Fucking. Shit, here. Is this Earl? Come on in Earl. GET THE FUCK IN. How many meetings do you think have been going on today? Here in the time of the merger, is this the reflection you think O and A want on their career? Is this the reflection Ron and Fez want on their career? Is there any...possible...fucking way, for you to have a day that you're more of an asset than a liability? How long did the bit go on before you hit the fucking floor? How about the fact that I come in here today and see the bosses and see fuckin' Danny fighting for his life? Acting like you were a fucking assault victim? How the fuck did you not just hit the floor and bounce back up like a regular fucking person? Why the hell did you need to leave here in an ambulance? 'Cause apparently the hospital thinks there's nothing wrong with you. If they thought there was something even slightly wrong with you, you'd still be fucking sitting there. Do you know who I did fucking radio with today? Myself. And it was the easiest fucking day I've had in years. It's the first fucking day that I can say to myself, "That didn't sound fucking stupid to me." What the fuck am I doing? Your reputation and every dumb stunt from WNEW got regurgitated today. So all the people you wanted to impress by your abilities to book fucking stars and produce interview shows are out the window, and you're just remembered as the fucking crazy guy who throws microphones and faints and fucking...is a joke as a person. That's the beauty of it, Earl. That's the fucking beauty of where you've taken yourself. And you set out to do it. You were in a fucking mood yesterday, you were in a mood today. You were in your glory as I walk up the street and see them putting you into a fucking ambulance. And I say to the guy, "Uh, is he okay?" And the guy goes like this, "Psh, yeah." Like 'I can't believe I'm over here putting a fucking healthy man in a wheelchair.'"
"I don't even remember...it happening..."
"Your life? Is that what you most forget about? You're a fucking grown-ass man. Stop fucking fainting constantly, stop acting like everything is so goddamned important. You think I want to come walking in here today and see O and A taking even the slightest bit of shit because of one of the guys on my show? Fucking, hit the dirt on their team? Now I fucking heard Patti taking that ass juice like a champ. You on the other hand pass out. Like an english woman. Like an english woman from the heat."
"I didn't pass out from that-"
"YES you fucking did. Nobody hurt you, nothing apparently happened, but you and your inconsistent lifestyle. And instead of fucking...you taking the responsibility, you put it on another fifteen fucking people. I'm fucking telling you, because you missed it as you were being hauled out. I'm telling you people were in here battling for themselves, and trying to explain...and I walked into the fucking room in the middle of it, interrupted their meeting going, "I have seen this guy do this fifteen fucking times. Then I used the metaphor of the fainting goat, and actually had to Youtube 'fainting goat' and show that if you yell at goats, these tiny little goats, they will pass out. And I heard a program director go like this, "Ohhh...so, like a fainting goat..." I go, "Yeah. It's like when an octopus throws ink into the water. I'd rather he squirted ink out of his ass, then an EMT wouldn't have to be called." I don't know what to do with you anymore, bro. I don't know what to fucking do with you anymore."
"I'm embarassed-"
"You got a free day, Earl. You got a chance to ride around in a nice red truck, you got to wear a nice apron, get your head taken pictures of, and then I believe you got juice and a cookie. You had the time of your life. Why can't you stay on your pins, big man? Let me tell you something. I woke up at 10:30 this morning. Then I walk over and turn on OnA, they're doing great, they're killing. And I go, "Oh shit, now I gotta follow this up with my guys. I hope my guys at least make it entertaining." By the time I walk here, there's an ambulance out front. I go, "Don't...let that be for us. Don't." As I'm having a fucking fine cigar. And there you are being wheeled out. Not even on a gurney, but on a fucking wheelchair which no head or brain victim would be in. They were doing the same thing with you they would do with an old lady who kept claiming someone was peeking in her window. I can't believe that you're only using the word 'embarassed', today."
"I-"
"I can't believe you're not mortified. That you are back where you were ten or twelve years ago at WNEW. You've gotta feel like you're at a career cul-de-sac right now my friend. This is the thing I love about Earl. He is a guy who's ready to sit there and say that somebody on a sports team is dogging it, that they have no heart, that the Jets have let him down. Earl, you're beyond the Jets. You're having a fucking Detroit Lions year."
"I-.....uh-....I don't even remember what happened, but I remember just trying to get up and I couldn't...."
"Then why aren't you still in the hospital? Why would they let a paralyzed person walk out?
"I didn't say I was paralyzed. I said I couldn't get up and I couldn't get my wits about me."
"You haven't had your wits about you since I've known you."
"And then they were calling everyone and I kept saying "I'm fine" but they didn't want to take any chances."
"Oh it's their fault?"
"I'm not saying it's anybody's fault-"
"It IS someone's fault, I'm talking to the guy whose fault it is. By the way, 'cause I wasn't listening, I wasn't here for your act. But I'm getting this: "He couldn't even say a word, he couldn't speak, it was nuts, he just sat there with his eyes rolled back." You never told everybody you were okay, you just fluttered your eyes, which I've seen you do before. Now, I had to sit in here with the bosses, and explain to them the day that I yelled at you and you fainted and hit your head. I had to explain the day that the studio didn't smell good so we sprayed Febreeze, and then I had to say the day that you threw the fucking microphone. I had to say the day you refused to ski down the slopes. I went through what I called, 'The Decades of Failure fuckin' Tour,' because I don't want to see O and A and fucking Jimmy dragged down in this, I don't want to see Steve dragged down in this, I don't want to see Danny dragged down in this. Just so you know this, in a corporate sense, the fuckin' moment the EMTs got called...all that shit was gonna become official. This is all official now. And I'm telling you now, I stood in the middle of the room and did it, I said, "This fucking guy is a crazy hypochondriac, he's out of his fucking mind." And they asked, "What is he doing here?" And I said, "I don't do the hiring and I don't do the firing. I'm a fucking guy who just comes in and talks on the radio." And today Earl I did it without anybody. Nobody. And guess what? It's not a big fucking deal. Let's stop acting like it is. What he would rather do, and we've all had gym class with this guy, who the second class started, would pull a muscle or have stomach cramps, bump his head, it was always a little different but it was always to get out of gym class. Earl sees the world as gym class. Now Earl, and I kid you not, those fucking bosses had to come ten blocks up here to run a fucking CSI investigation on all these innocent people. It just doesn't make sense and you don't think their bosses above them and all the lawyers....of course. I am proud to say my statement was, "I wasn't here, but I know he's faking." It's exactly what I said. "I've seen this fifteen fucking times. If there's any responsibility, if there's any reason for stress, he'll fucking lay down and count the lights." This is what he wants to do. He wants to say, "Oh yeah, Ron & Fez? Oh yeah, O and A? I'll get you. I will get you." This is a ball-less version of a backstab. And I tell you the truth, I would have so much more fucking respect for you if I came in here one day and you jumped out and put a fucking knife into my kidneys. My last words would be, "Congratulations Earl. Congratulations. You've done it yourself." Instead, you'd rather fall on a knife that says Ron & Fez and O and A on it. I put my reputation without hearing a word and said, "I haven't heard anything. He's faking. And he will be back here at the end of the show because no hospital will keep him." Do me a favor, Earl. Go get a knife and put it in my kidneys so I can respect you. Stab me to death so I can say, "I'm proud of you." With my last breath I will kiss your forehead and whisper, "You've become a man." You are STILL fucking wearing that thing around your hand. I would be chewing that off my wrist like I was a coyote. To me, this is a gigantic thing that just says, "FAILURE," to wrap around your wrist."
"I just forgot to take it off-"
"You might as well leave it on forever. You know if you were Japanese where you'd be right now, right?"
"Yeah. I'd be dead, from one of my own guys-"
"No, yourself. You would do the right thing. I'm gonna leave here with you today Earl. We're gonna pick out a sword. Then we're going to walk you in the middle of Central Park. I'm gonna throw salt around, make a nice little spot for you, and you're going to fall on your own sword. And I will call you a man of honor."
"I'm going to do the right thing."
"You're gonna fall on a sword."
"If that's what it takes-"
"I mean literally. Put your fail bracelet back on."
-Ron to Earl

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I set up a blind date for you this weekend, are yoy ready?
Fez: Yeah, I'm ready
Ron: It's a pocket asshole

[boomer]

"Why is it that people can become violent from watching violent movies, but people don't become funny after watching comedies?"

[Arch Stanton]

To answer Anthony's twitter stating that the entire Philly's team should give it to me up the ass:
1) It would hurt, alot....they have a huge roster
2) I do not want them spending the energy on me doing that. They need to save the energy for the series.

I want them to do this Jake Lamotta style. No running trains during this series.

[dilznick101]

I once missed a viewing because Knight Rider was on.

[Awful Me]

To Earl:

How far could you run.....without the police chasing you?

[Dr. Hoffman]

To Earl;

"You want to be a rigger?"

:clap:

[Wilmington WOW]

ha ha
the O&A black T-shirt wearing fans with stinging comments on wackbag.
Why are they talking about sports, Ozzy never played baseball.
Calm down, there will be women to be mean to.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I hate when they'd give you one of those speed math tests back in like 3rd grade where they'd want you to do 40 addition problems in like 5 minutes
Ron: I finished one of those in 5 seconds
Fez: How'd you do that?!?
Ron: I drew a big F on it, then put my head down and took a nap

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Because their vaginas open?
Earl: Perhaps...I mean, uh, I don't know
Ron: I'm sorry. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard...

[Awful Me]

Crazy pussy is like being on the beach: On a nice day everyone loves to be at the beach, but on stormy day....

[TommyZman]

There is no force as exhilarating... and irritating... as crazy pussy.

[TommyZman]

Oh yeah... I'll show you crazy cock!

[Awful Me]

Striker: I dated Crazy Pussy, and she was a cutter....

Ron: Did you see her when you were looking in the mirror?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Whenever the show gets into uncomfortable territory, ie when it's not about Fez, he tries to get comfortable. But he just can never do it. It's like watching John Goodman trying to get on a tricycle...

[thefirebuilds]

To Earl;

"You want to be a rigger?"

:clap:


I believe there was a delightful setup to "dirty earl (oil) rigger" too, or did I just dream that hilarity?

[happytypinggirl]

A seal is like a swimming baked potato. Its a side dish. (for sharks)

[Lunchbox420]

Sorry, I never picked up the taste for cock.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Queen in the '80's, was it as bad as Queen in the '70's?
Ron: Same kind of worst.
Caller: You're not a Queen fan?
Ron: Sorry I never picked up the taste for cock

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So then after him...I'd guess the next successful black country star was Keith Urban
Earl: He's not black...
Ron: Oh? I heard Urban...I thought it was a code-word

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: Fezzie, you're not a "Curb" fan?
Fez: Nope.
Ron: Is it because they don't vote somebody off at the end of every episode?

[TonyBagels]

(after a Philly World Series Game 2 loss)

I'll tell you one thing I learned yesterday, there can be a worse day than September 11th.

[TommyZman]

I don't know what chicks see in guys... If I was a chick I'd either eat pussy or kill myself.

[TonyBagels]

About his computer to TV hook up to watch the football games

This looks so bad, I mean so old, that I got a tastes great, less filing commercial on it somehow

[TonyBagels]

The only songs that have ever moved me to tears is rap songs. And I'll just be crying and I'll say to myself, 'We lost. We lost.'

[TonyBagels]

Lay Lady Lay always made me cry because I thought Bob Dylan was choking. 'Oh my God! Help him!'

[TonyBagels]

Earl, sometimes it looks like you're playing first base for the Phillies.

[TonyBagels]

after playing a Springsteen song

My Clarence Clemens is here right now. Earl, I'd like to give you a sax and have you walk around with it all day.

[the max]

ron: "you know we really ride fez hard. we really give him a hard time."
fez: "yeah?"
ron: "866-ron0fez. 866-ron0fez."

[Stormrider666]

Ron talking about Alicia Keys:

"You know Weight Watchers has a points system"

[SRS]

i did mention Hellen Keller and she was the only one that didn't hear me, which was sad.

[nutjobs]

talking about Fez's sundowners

Dave:How about investing in like maybe a flashlight or even one of those old fashioned lanterns?

Ron:If he's walking down a fucking New York street with a flashlight like he's in the middle of the woods they're gonna lock his ass up.

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron to Fez)

Ron : Dave says you like to be alone in an elevator, then you fart.
Fez : No its nothing like that!
Ron : Fez' fart box

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : The Nature boy is leaving, looks like he's getting into the back of a limo. 2 Beautiful blondes back there. I think thats a Plasma TV.

[TonyBagels]

I just want to ask a question, did I lose a bet with God?

[LiddyRules]

I got seven dads! No moms! And there's cum all over the floor!

[JordanSRT10]

"If my dad married a man, would my dog die? What's gonna be in my cereal?"

[TonyBagels]

(pretending to be on a commercial)

Do you want your kids to be gay? Vote against Corzine unless you want your kids to eat a man's asshole.

[LiddyRules]

*The anti-gay marriage ad*

*little kid voice* There's only seven stars left on the American flag. Everything's fading away. Why didn't someone stop Corzine?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

in classic "scary announcer" voice....

Ron: Would you like to see Bruce Springsteen fuck Bon Jovi in the ass? That's what'll happen if you vote John Corzine!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

"scary announcer" voice...

Ron: Thanks to Corzine, these colors do run....WITH CUM!!

[LiddyRules]

Dave: If anyone knows anyone who can get us into Philadelphia's Children Hospital
Ron: I know a guy, let me write down his name for you.
Dave: You wrote House.
Ron: He's good.

[livebackwards]

Ron: You know I fuck with you, Dave.
Dave: Uh...
Ron: You know why, though.
Dave: No, I don't know why.
Ron: Hate you.
*"City of Brotherly Love" plays*

[livebackwards]

Ron: All right, let's break, when we come back, Earl, you had something on your mind, something you wanted to get off your chest, something's really bothering you, what is it?
Earl: Ummm, well... well. I can't even really...
Ron: You can't put it in words?
Earl: Yeah.
Ron: Unfortunately, that's what we do for a living.

[JordanSRT10]

"It's got shit to do with shi-nola"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Dave we're gonna take your 100$ and split it 3 ways for the show...
Dave : Oh no... well I guess I can still get volume 1 of (whatever)
Ron : You know what I'm gonna get? a rebate for my 33$

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez, all you do is give shitty gifts on xmas
Fez : I thought last years was good!
Ron : Here's what I want for this year, 6300 $ That's it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

while talking about how Sammy Sosa is turning white....

Ron: Hey Earl, did you know you could get cured?

[Arch Stanton]

I think the term "Jumped the Shark" jumped the shark.

[MilkmanDan]

Hicks : Eastwood hated Koreans in Gran Torino though.
Ron : mmmmm.... I can't really blame him there.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Here's what I do with Identity guard. I had some punks mess with me once so I started walking around town with a board with nails in it. Started knocking on peoples doors with my identity guard badge saying "Was this you?"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron: Another place I used Identity Guard, I was being attacked by a woman, I shot her dead. With Identity Guard.
Fez: She had no defense!
Ron: She was pregnant.

[TonyBagels]

11-5, as Earl calls and states that he will wear a Yankees away jersey

Wow, Earl Grey. It’s hard to believe.

[TonyBagels]

11-5

Caller: We as Canadians understand what it’s like dealing with Yankees fans. Montreal with their 24 cups…
Ron: You see, though, this professional sports.

[TonyBagels]

11-6, about Earl giving God a bj

Earl, it’s the Lord, you gotta work the balls.

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron goofing on Stephen Kings new book)

Ron : My idea for a new book is everyone is Chinese. How scary is that?

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Fez what got you into radio?
Fez : I dunno the atmosphere, it just seemed fun, like a party that I could get into and enjoy.
Ron : You bring that vibe to the show everyday now.

[ScottFromGA]

while talking about how Sammy Sosa is turning white....

Ron: Hey Earl, did you know you could get cured?

best line ever.

[maz]

" The 80's were so gay there was Cum dripping off the calendars "

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: See if we get rid of the term Redskins, it's a slippery slope. I mean what's next, we get rid of N-lips?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What we should do is call them the Slant-eyed Cat-eaters...that way nobody gets hurt

[Arch Stanton]

How about sucking cocks......while there is still Vagina on the planet, there is no reason to suck cocks.

Now if there is no vagina left, then we will have to come up with something, and maybe sucking cocks is an answer.

[Arch Stanton]

I know the Asians ,make those big eyed cartoons and those are aimed at us, with our big saucer eyes.

[Arch Stanton]

I know this may be an old saying, but Fez said this to me one day:
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the cock you are sucking while fingering his hairy ass.

[R.BuddDwyer]

"'If Grace Jones Is a Woman Then Stop Sucking Her Dick' should be the name of her fucking bio she puts out."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We know Ichiban and that's about as far as we go with the Asian language. We got that and "You want another a-bomb?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And then sometimes we wave a handful of our American dollars around as ask "How much suckie fuckie?"

[happytypinggirl]

(to dave, talking about how his older brother looks younger and in better shape than him)

no offense but you look like rice pudding in a ramones shirt right now

[Awful Me]

To Fez:

I want you to know: you are racing the grave....I don't know if the Grim Reaper runs, but I know you don't either

[happytypinggirl]

talking about how great the new xbox natal sounds...

Ron: the only way this could be better is if my bed turned into a toaster and spit me out in the morning.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Fezzie, I'm going to make a prediction here. A *RADIO PSYCHIC*...you're not going to die from heart disease.
Fez: Really? Why?
Ron: Because I'm going to kill you.

[Arch Stanton]

Confession contest:

Pepper: And the winner is....I stole a pizza coupon from the girl who was killed in a car wreck the night before.

Ron: I should never had laughed at that when it was read.

That's like the host of a beauty pageant saying, here is the most fuckable contestant.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : What is this perfect situation you want Fezzie?
Fez : Someone that'll just spend time with me....
Ron (interrupting) : Eww.

[MilkmanDan]

(Dave to Fez)
Dave : Do you have a panic room?
Ron : Any room he's in is the panic room.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : I'd like to make Mark Mothersbaugh and David Byrne share a hotel room and talk to each other.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Mark Mothersbaugh made me feel so awkward it was like working with my co-host.

[Dragonwaggon77]

re: the people who were arrested for not leaving a tip.

Ron: Lets just say I get the color of the story. you colored it in