Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[Standby]

Shhhoootttaaabbooooogggrraayy!!!!!
I like my hybrid, and I hope it catches on.

Ma Ha Bugre, buddies...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
-----------
ESD: I don't know what she's thinking...I'm not going to go to the park with you on a Sunday! You know my ritual!
Ron: I know, I don't understand why women think they can change you like that. You'd have to have your team start 0-7 before you'd even be like, "Ya know what, it's more painful to sit here and watch them; okay, I will go out and look at doilies with you, ya maniac!!


Caller: My boyfriend keeps nagging me...umm...to go in the exit
Ron: He wants to take the elevator up to floor number 2
Caller: Yeah!
Ron: You know why? He wants to inject some love back into this relationship. If you want to save this relationship, ya gonna have to give up the deuce

[TonyBagels]

FM

Fez: I was a drama major.
Ron: I thought you were a drum majorette.

FM

Fez: The Florida driving limit is .08.
Ron: .08 is a tic-tac. If you have a tic-tac in the state of Florida, they act like you can't drive home.

FM

(about Paul McCartney's new CD being on the new Starbucks label)

I just don't want to go anywhere and listen to Paul McCartney music, if I can help it. I'll throw my coffee in someone's face and go, "Get this crap off."

FM (summarizing this one)

I put McCartney as my sixth favorite Beatle. I put him behind Muni and Best.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)

Most of your past is made up.


:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Everyone needs only 3 drugs to medicate themselves. Pot, booze and asprin
Ron: Eh...I'd have gone with methadone & a valium chaser, but to each his own.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

:haha7: :haha7: :haha7: :haha7:

Ron: I'd keep this baby, cause my family was in cotton...I've got a job for him

[westben2002]

Dave: have you ever put peanut butter on chocolate (wording not right)
Ron: NO I HAVEN"T BECAUSE I'M FROM FUCKING CHINA

[westben2002]

The Greatest Thread Ever!!!!!

[RMPGP]

best fucking thread ever....


YOU DID IT RONNIE YOU REALLY DID IT

[CaptainWacky]

Congrats ronnie B!

[YaHearIHearMe]

Cake for you Ronnie

[RMPGP]

"I can't wait for 3000, I'm going to think of some jokes"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

celebrating this thread's greatness....

Ron: I don't think I could have done this without LiddyRules

[Darth Mode]

They love you Ronnie. They really love you.

[mikebrowne]

Monkey Hoooouuuse

[pmoney316]

He had a couple great lines today. But I gotta show love to the guy who called in talking about 'Yesterday's Gone'. When Ronnie corrected him with the title 'Tuesday's Gone' the guy was quick to come back with '...oh I forgot it's not Wednesday'

[mikepop]

Congrats Ron Bennington.
In honor of the greatest thread ever I bring a classic audio gem.
Ron and Fez were discussing the DC sniper and a caller suggested using a sniper to catch the sniper.

Ron and Fez Fight fire with fire Oct 9 2002...
http://media.putfile.com/Ron-and-Fez-Fight-fire-with-fire-Oct-9-2002

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
--------------
talking to some caller who had been divorced 2x, both times, her fault


Ron: Ya know what Claudia, I've only talked to you for a couple of minutes and I want to talk to other callers


Caller: Who are you guys kidding? You can't marry your cousin in New York!
Ron: You can't? I need to call my lawyer and my chick


Caller: I'm not that much of a history buff, but didn't FDR marry one of his cousins?
Ron: Yeah, and look what happened to his legs


Ron: I think if you're Italian you can have sex with your twin sister!

[jimmyolsenblues]

After Fez gives Valoure the brush off.
Ron: Fez you're a Closer!

[BBQ Chef]

That movie is going to win the Oscar for special effects. They make it look like black kids can swim.

[PartyRockCoat]

Ron on U2

"Or as I like to call them, U STINK"

[Tallguy 22]

I'm paraphrasing, so sorry.

Ron: "You know what its like when a couple likes to have sex in front of a retard sometimes?"
Fez: "No..."
Ron: "Well, you know when me and my chick have sex in front of a retard sometimes..."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I got zero sleep this weekend. You know how normally you say, "I got zero sleep" you're lying? I'm running on 48 straight hours right now...and yet, if you see me, I didn't have time to shave. I don't even know what I did with my time


Fez: The black swimming movie had a dissapointing weekend...they came in last place
Ron: Just like the real swim team!

Fez: Big shock here, turns out it was an accidental overdose in Anna Nicole's death
Ron: Fantastic...I can't wait for the Rich Jeni "he shot himself in the face" autopsy report to come in

Fez: If you were going to rate the top 5 sporting events of the year, how would you go?
Ron: Best, pretty good, good, fair, and poor


caller: Hey Fezzie you screwed up and didn't say the name of the gospel band!
Fez: Oh it was the Legacy Five
Ron: Four now...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While talking about Ronnie not sleeping all weekend

ESD: Can't you take some Tylenol PM or something like that?
Ron: You may as well just put a spike in my arm. Do you realize the slippery downward roll I'm on? Do you want to see me on drugs?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: Change is useless in this man's world.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: You know, you could say 100
Ron: You think she's been with 100 guys?
ESD: Oh god no!
Ron: Not all at once...


Caller: Well none of you guys have been on drugs for years...
Ron: Well, some of us. I know what you're talking about. I've known a lot of chicks like you. A girl like you wants to get the last rail, you're gonna have to crawl across the floor for it. "I got good news and bad news. Bad news is we only got one rail left...good news is that you're doin' it off my Bawwlls. Now crawl over here whore!! Open your mouth for the spit! Open it!!"

Ron: You've gotta know how many people they've been with.
ESD: I don't know, why would you want to know?
Ron: Turns you on


Caller: Both of these girls of Dave's seem to have had green card issues. I was wondering if Dave's parents set up exchange students out of pity to fuck Dave.
Ron: That'd be so worth it though. I'd have to just thank my parents for that

[TonyBagels]

Ron: In baseball I'll break up the double play by sliding into the pitcher.
Dave: He's not involved in the play.
Ron: Not when I'm done with him.

[RMPGP]

F "If money wasn't an issue, what would be a dream job for you?"
R "What's that?"

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Shannon, you're on Ron & Fez.
Caller: (silence)...hello
Ron: You're killin' me Shannon. If you get any worse, I'll have to put you on the staff.
:D :D :clap: :haha7: :haha7: :rotf: :rotf:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Shannon, you're on Ron & Fez
Caller: <silence>
Ron: Shannon we got you buddy?
Caller: <radio noise in background, continued silence> Huh? No my name is Dave
Ron: Shannon, you're killin me. If you were any worse, we'd have to get you on staff. Any worse and I'm putting you behind the mic & getting you some headphones on...

damnit Tony!

[watsonnostaw]

Change is only good for throwing and causing welts on the back of someones neck

[TreeFortRichard]

fuck I loved the how would you rank the top 5 sporting events

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm working on a screenplay right now about killing all your friends.
Fez: I don't like this. How does it end?
Ron: I have a better show


ESD: So I take it it's a horror movie?
Ron: No, it's a comedy. A black comedy, because Earl's gonna be in it

[TonyBagels]

Dave: It must be a drama..
Ron: No a black comedy....



Earl's in it
:clap: :clap: :clap:

dammit JD!!

[jimmyolsenblues]

Fez: Its Jew hater day?
Ron: Isn't everyday?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh and Pitz...I heard from your girlfriend...she said, "Congrats Jewhater"
Fez: Is today Jew Hater Day?
Ron: Isn't every day?




Ron: And how did the Indians horses do? They got shot out from underneath them! They didn't even have fucking saddles! Indians didn't invent a goddamned thing. The Indians are the laziest people this side of Africa!!

[TonyBagels]

Caller: The Indians didn't have fuckin' blacksmiths to make horseshoes.
Ron: And how'd that work out for them. They didn't have fuckin' saddles either! The Indians are the fuckin' laziest people, outside of Africa.

God Damn JD. You take the helm.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I can read people's minds right now!
Fez: You're reading my mind?
Ron: It's a short fucking read

[timmykidd2104]

Fez: Cause the slope gets slippery real quick
Ron: Every time I hear the word slope I think of chinese girls.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave, about Claire)
Let me ask you this. In 1982 when you saw ET, did you say, "When I grow up, I want to date ET."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(to Dave, about Claire)
Let me ask you this. In 1982 when you saw ET, did you say, "When I grow up, I want to date ET."
Ron: When you used to bang her did she say "Ouuuuucchh?"

[LiddyRules]

*On seasonal bands*

Fez: The Beach Boys is summer.
Ron: You think. *pause* Winter for me is Snowy Snowman's Christmas Band.

[TonyBagels]

Earl: Like that bad McCartney song
Ron: Every McCartney song is fuckin' bad

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: I used you as the "How did you hear about us"
Ron: <cues Hero music> A man...I'd like to dedicate my recovery to...

[bobimpact]

"Friday is Fez's birthday, and we're trying to make him feel like he's not retarted."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: And he's got an autobiography coming out soon
Ron: Well lets be serious...he played in St Louis. No one there is going to be waiting for a fucking book...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh and I wanted to tell you this...I've come to this conclusion. I finally have discovered the meaning of life. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or what, but the meaning of life is
[http://media.g4tv.com/images/imagedb2/301/30169_L.jpg] And dat's da end of our show, DONK! [/Homestar]

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Welcome to a fuckin' bananas Ron & Fez show. One's a retard and the other's an insomniac

Caller: And to give a little love to Earl, "House monkeeeeyy!!"
Ron: That was just mean...funny, but mean

Ron: Okay, so she's starting with a sweater today...hopefully that means we end up with Jackpot! Last time she started off folding a t-back and I'm like, "How the hell do you top this?"

Ron: There are only a handful of people who could get me using again, and that's people I used to use with. That's why I hide from them. You know I love you more than my family, but I can't hang out with you!

Ron: When did we start throwing pens? We throw cowbells in this business...

[RobeSoup&Tears]

Ron: "...you know when you play little league and there’s an easy fly ball headed toward a guy who’s scratching his nuts and not paying attention…well that guy works here, he’s our Producer."

[Arch Stanton]

When did we start throwin' pens? We throw Cowbells in this business....

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And you've got a short porch tonight too. We're gonna just do an hour here after the show and send it over to FreeFM for tonight. Then we're gonna send you home early so you can get balls deep

Caller: What you could do is listen to those nature CD's..with the lightning and rain and whatnot
Ron: What the hell? Maybe if I was a muskrat I'd want to listen to that...

(talking about Casey smuggling her dog into Dave's apartment)
Fez: You're going to get yourself thrown out of there
Ron: Who cares? That's like getting thrown out of jail!

[RMPGP]

"Fez, get a cat... If it's a black one name it midnight, if it's white snowball"

"Earl go grab a cat in your neighborhood"

"Time for your medicine, Mr Fezwick"

"Two girls and a guy, like god fucking planned it"

"Anytime you have two cocks on the screen... IN THE VICINTY... IT'S GAY."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: That's not a menage! There are no two guys and a girl in a menage! It's always two girls and a guy, the way God intended it!

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)
How about you? Ever fantasy r@pe ET?

[klownguy6969]

sorry i know this is not word for word but i still chuckle at it
FEZ: so how long do u think short sleeve shirts have been around?
RON: thinking about making a purchase there Fezzie, afarid of being behind the times.
silly but i laffed at it all day.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Around 3 or 4 in the morning, I think that the only way I'm going to sleep is if I kill Fezzie
Fez: NO!!! That is never the answer!
Ron: These are the crazy fucking thoughts I'm having
Fez: I'm scared that it might actually be the only thing that works. You just falling asleep right on top of my corpse
Ron: Oh no, I'd cut you up really fast...


Ron: Smuckers wants to give you a shoutout on the Today Show
Fez: Rude and rude!! That's for people who are over 100!
Ron: You're not 100?
Fez: No!!
Ron: Then you look like shit...

[timmykidd2104]

(after Fez talks about his new therapist)
Ron: All I heard was blah blah blah dull dull dull. Were you talking about something?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Do you have anywhere you want to go?
Ron: Somewhere I want to go before I die? Lindsay Lohan's asshole. I don't want to live there, but I just want to go and see how it is
Fez: You can't go in the summer. I've heard it's so crowded!
Ron: Commercial! I heard that the entire place is so commercial now...I should have gone there before it got popular

[TonyBagels]

(about Fez's birthday)

Do you know in dog years, you're dead?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: I wonder about just walking into the ocean and just keep walking. I wonder what happens
Ron: You start swimming!! That's what happens!

[Dave11]

To Fez: Institutionalize yourself before they get to you. Make it seem like it's your idea.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Bobo: You know, I've got a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome
Ron: Is that where you put your food in your ass? Assburgers?

Ron: Is that why you haven't shown us your dick? Cause there's a pussy beneath it?
Fez: NO!!

[RMPGP]

"Is your penis smaller than your labia?"

"When you sit down are your balls hitting the water? Because you might have an extra chromosome."

F: "I know I have a lot on my plate"
R: "Maybe those are your old man balls!"

------------

R: "Don't get your balls in a wad here"

------------

R: "How's your clitorus, is it sensitive to the touch?"
F: "I don't have one."
R: "Oh my god, I've heard of this in Africa."
F: "It's not mutilated"

-------------

Earl - get a rubber band in here so I can put it around his balls

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : "I wish I was a wonderbread Wop and played Mafialife. I'd pretend kill everyone"

[MilkmanDan]

"Oh are the young bucks gathered around Lilly today. Its springtime, they can smell it!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It's like being at a first grade birthday party but with an open bar

Caller: Happy birthday Fez and Ron, you're a fucking Genius!
Ron: Ya know, today's Fez Day...I was going to say that on Monday.
Fez: I was going to call you a fucking genius, but I thought you'd be offended by the "fucking"
Ron: No you I wouldn't be offended...as long as it's followed by 'genius' and not 'asshole'

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Ya know, it'd be even just nice enough to say Happy Birthday and move on
Ron: :icon_lol: That's basically what I did

[flyerfan116]

the man doesn't even have to say a word to be brilliant....

Ron: What's the Nature of your relationship (Fez & Dawn Cumia, Anthony's sister)

Fez: We are lovers

spittake by ronnie....fuckin brilliant

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron speaking to Opie about Lindsay going back to school:
"Well legally she has to go back to school"

[bill333]

the spit takes were great and Ron didn't miss a beat with the line about Lindsay. :clap:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FreeFM
--------------
Crazy Jen: I thought the people down in Baltimore were gonna love the Yankees
Ron: Yeah, but...they've got their own baseball team down there
Fez: She's not even talking about baseball, she's talking about the Civil War
Ron: That's why they hate the Yankees..they took away their help!

[YourAmishDaddy]

Just take all of Friday and throw it on here. Ron and Fez were on fire.

[LiddyRules]

His entire tear of Mafialife being like a lamer version of Dungeons and Dragons was gold.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Hey Gail! Meet your new friends, Abraham Lincoln and Ty Cobb! What do you say we take a ride on Secretariat! Whoa, I almost ran into Jimmy Hendrix! Ya know what I like about heaven so far? Rarely any black people in heaven...

[Garyisajoke]

"Hey, isn't that Richard Jenni? And Fez's grandmother?"

"Maybe later we'll take a ride on Secretariat."

[Wilmington WOW]

"Is that Adam and Eve? I'm gonna get my picture with them."

[striker]

"not too many black people here"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: You know I love you
Ron: No, but I mean in a bad way
Fez: How could it be bad?
Ron: Mehh...you know. Ass stuff

[flyerfan116]

I don't know i just have a feeling this year i really think the Phillies can go 162 - 0

['lil conner]

Ron: Hey Gail! Meet your new friends, Abraham Lincoln and Ty Cobb! What do you say we take a ride on Secretariat! Whoa, I almost ran into Jimmy Hendrix! Ya know what I like about heaven so far? Rarely any black people in heaven...



that whole bit was great!!!

[RMPGP]

"here's your education, take the big money when it happens"

[LiddyRules]

Caller: "I can't watch Pulp Fiction, Sam Jackson's wig looks too fake."
Ron: "Go to idiot town and run for mayor."

[PartyRockCoat]

(On Tarantino)

ESD: I'd like to transplant my face...
Ron: Into his asshole?

[Arch Stanton]

I'm pissing butter

[LiddyRules]

Right wing band: "Sean Hannity and the Hermits."

[TonyBagels]

(satellite starts playing)
You know what this song always reminds me of? The end of the show.

[TonyBagels]

(to piss off the Klan members that listened to him in Florida)

..New York Jew Boy. So you know what, I threw in some Yiddish words..

[mikek]

I'm trying to bring the Jews and Palestinians together. And this is how I'm doing it: Foosball.

[RMPGP]

Salute to FreeFM Show - Fella Fitzgerald

[Iron Duke]

Just love everything Ronnie B says.

[TonyBagels]

(about superstitions)

Ron: ...lift your feet up when you drive over train tracks.
Fez: I never heard that one.
Ron: That's why you keep getting hit by trains.

[Danesy]

I've come up smilin' like the Joker

;)

[TonyBagels]

I honestly think that when you first start dating a girl, have sex with her mom. Just to see what the future holds. Earl, in your case, her dad.

[flyerfan116]

caller describing fucking up anal with his wife

caller...so what should i do should i ask again?

Ronnie - you should ask for a divorce cause she deserves better

[TonyBagels]

Earl, what about you being in MC Hammer pants.

[blee]

Playing"everybody hurts"
Ron - Let me give you something happy to think about. I have gum.

[spittinmad]

I've come up smilin' like the Joker

;)

Ron after asking Earl if he's earned his red wings.
Ronnie B rocks the fatass

[TonyBagels]

caller: ...sounds like a shitty version of the Cranberries.
Ron: OK, that's redundant.

[TonyBagels]

Ron: I get upset when I screw up.
Earl: You must be upset all the time.

[jimmyolsenblues]

ESD: I love her more than my mom, but I don't want to fuck her, my mom I mean.
Ron: Third base?

[LiddyRules]

Ron: "Go old school, blood vial."
Fez: "Like Billy Bob and Angelina?"
Ron: "I don't know, I don't read People magazine."

[LiddyRules]

Ron: I blame the black people
Earl: I blame the white people
Ron: It's point-counterpoint with Ron and Earl

[billb914]

Fellah fitzgerald

[LiddyRules]

*during a live read* "I'm not like you dad!! I'm saving the world! I'm recycling cell phones!!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: ....and we got ripped off buying acid in San Francisco. And I'll never forget it. And if I ever see you again, Hippie, I'll cut your neck. You don't treat tourists like that...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

during Bronx Johnny's Sex-travaganza

<throat fucking noises>
Ron: Hey by the way, if you're listening to us at work, you may want to turn down your speakers


Bronx Johnny: You know, I treat her like I treat my little sister
Ron: So you fucked her?
<laughter>
Ronnie: C'mon, Line of the Day with that one...


Ron: You kiss your mom on the mouth?
Dave: Yeah, I kiss my mom and my grandma on the mouth
Ron: Doesn't it taste like your cum?

[TonyBagels]

Turtle's back! I thought it was new Turtle, but he did the swerve

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What about putting an ashtray or the tv remote up there? Do you get really pissed when you're giving head and you hear the channel change?


Caller: Hey Johnny, I gotta ask, how do you get your girl to give up the ass?
Bronx Johnny: You just put it in there. If she gets angry, take it out. If not, go with it!
Ron: Yeah...I...could not disagree with you more right there.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave about his girlfriend being "the one")
I said that about you and your last girlfriend, and then you put her in the basket on your bicycle and then flew across the face of the moon.

[TonyBagels]

I never thought about drugs until health class. And then that was the only class I was taking notes.

[TonyBagels]

(about women having signs of liking men, specifically touching on arms)
Women do that to me all the time. I always thought it was to stop me from choking them.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Whenever a girl touches your elbow or knee it means she's flirting with you
Lilly: Or if they touch your arms and stuff when talking to you
Ron: So many girls do that to me, but I always thought it was to make me stop choking them. Huh, so all of the victims liked me?

[TonyBagels]

(regarding Dave's choices of music on Board Gossip)

Shouldn't we know any of these songs?

[LiddyRules]

*On The Dawn of Destruction*: It's a protest song against protest songs for rockers who want to be drafted.

[billb914]

*On The Dawn of Destruction*: It's a protest song against protest songs for rockers who want to be drafted.

Isnt it "Dawn of Correction"?

[LiddyRules]

Actually, I meant Dawn of Correction.

[Turtle]

Turtle's back! I thought it was new Turtle, but he did the swerve
Ron was being kind.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Caller: I am a redsox fan
Ron: You're a what?
Caller: A redsox fan
Ron: 866-313......Now I am everyone's friend.

[Maddog62]

Ron: What about putting an ashtray or the tv remote up there? Do you get really pissed when you're giving head and you hear the channel change?


Caller: Hey Johnny, I gotta ask, how do you get your girl to give up the ass?
Bronx Johnny: You just put it in there. If she gets angry, take it out. If not, go with it!
Ron: Yeah...I...could not disagree with you more right there.

Its got to be this one

[RMPGP]

Ron: let me tell you something about Silera, she's what you call 'risque'

[TonyBagels]

Ron was being kind.
Love the twist :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[TonyBagels]

(FM)

Fez: Out magazine, they just put out their magazine with the 50 most powerful gay people in America.
Ron: Where'd you finish big man?
Fez: I am not top 50!
Ron: Bottom 50?

[TonyBagels]

(FM, but it's been said several times, about Earl)

Oh, he drives me nuts.

[TonyBagels]

(FM, Earl turns down a date)

What makes you think she's not for you, the breasts?

(later)

There's three things that she doesn't have, that he's looking for in a woman: a D and two Bs.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, now you sound like Carlos Mencia..."I wrote this joke myself, only 20 years later"

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave's disk issues)
You've got like, Coal Miner's Cum.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: No Dave, you can take off any day you want. Whenever Earl is gone, the show falls to shit. When you're gone, worst thing is that we maybe will get Fez on the show!

[LiddyRules]

Male Caller: "If there's not a blow job at the end of chick dialogue, should I sit through it?"
Ron: "You can suck any dick you want, I won't stop you."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know why all these teachers are fucking the young kids in their classes?
ESD/Earl/Fez: Uh huh...
Ron: IT'S BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FUCKING TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE 8TH GRADERS AND 30 YEAR OLD MEN!!!


Ron: There's only one nickname that's acceptible for your boyfriend and that's "Daddy"

[LiddyRules]

*On the older generation* "Those high school pictures they look older than you do now. They were born looking like Steinbeck."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I want you to look out the window, if you see an animal, I want to to take this one off. I wanna go A-team on this one, we want some fast breaks!

[Furtherman]

"If you look out your window and see any type of farm animal, don't call in."

Edit: Didn't see your post Jimmy... but yea... hysterical line.

[FMDoug]

Looks like they were interviewing a melted candle!!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Yesterday when Casey was leaving, I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness...
Ron: I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness when I saw you come into work today

[TonyBagels]

heh, uh, Do me a favor and don't invite me to the wedding.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Can I see her naked before you get married?

Ron: Let me tell you, we're gonna throw the best fucking bachelor party ever. I'm gonna go nutty...maybe I'm gonna jump off the 12th step

[TonyBagels]

Dave: You know what I want at my bachelor party?
Ron: Coke? 'Cause I'm working on that.

[Arch Stanton]

To a caller:

Who are you? Do we even know you? You call in here like we are buddays.

[TonyBagels]

On the way to Ripkin!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm so glad Costner fucked his wife...
Group: Huh?
Ron: Imus's wife...I said Imus cause I just remembered that Ripken works for XM :haha7: :haha7:


Ron: Flea, you've gotta be 21 to be in this room. Get out.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)
You are the most sensitive person in the world. You have the strength of a fetus.

(I think it was skin)

[TonyBagels]

10 years into the marriage, I want to still be saying, "Hey do you have any borthers or sisters? Did you play any sports in school?"
:haha7: :haha7: :haha7:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Big, thick, veiney...
Ron: ....okay, that one crossed the line

[TonyBagels]

And do me a favor Fez, I know you're putting this thing together. I do not want to hear "It Makes Me Fez."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
------------------
Ron: So we've got an open door policy for this party, girls are more than welcome to join us
ESD: Yeah, my girl's coming
Ron: I thought she was just breathing hard!

female caller: On the first date with my man, he told me he was going to marry me. 9 months later, we got married and we've been married for 4 years!
Ron: Yeah, he probably HAD to marry you, right before the baby came out!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
----------------
Ron: Fez, you call it "standing too close," where I'm from it's called sodomy


Caller: You guys know, 4/20 is Hitler's birthday for what it's worth
Ron: Meh...we know. That's why we're having a little trouble getting Anthony to come. "You know, when you're done with the ceremony, swing by our party..."

[Arch Stanton]

Yeah, I'm gonna sell second hand clothes out of your Mother's C

[Arch Stanton]

I train my Dog to be that way, but I can't talk about it now because of the Imus Thing!!!

[Dave11]

"If you look out your window and see any type of farm animal, don't call in."

Edit: Didn't see your post Jimmy... but yea... hysterical line.

ahahahaha I missed this one. May be the best XM or internet streaming radio line from a New York City host of all time.

[flyerfan116]

the only dogs i wanna see are blind peoples dog, they've had em long enough they should know where they are going by now

[Arch Stanton]

I a Dog Lover!!!

I love to see Dogs fight.

I love to see other animals fight different animals, the way God Intended it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
-------------------
Ron: I'll tell you this...there's not a puppy alive that I couldn't take. Even German Sheppard puppies, I could probalby stomp 40 of them to death before I fall down from exhaustion and they eat my flesh...


Ron: Alright Al, we've gotta go take a break and hit some spots, so we don't get any notes from you....ya dime-out artist!
Fez: We know it was you Al!
Ron: You broke our heart...

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: I'm a phone guy

Ron: Hello? Hello!!! I hate phone guys....

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
----------------------
Caller: Hey, don't underestimate the power of old women, Moolah & Mae Young are still taking power bombs through tables
Ron: First of all, they're not 102 and wrestling is about as real as golf


Caller: Dave, have you seen a dark side to your chick yet?
Ron: No, you said she shaves, right? 866-Ron-0-Fez, 866-Ron-0-Fez...whoops

[TonyBagels]

I train my Dog to be that way, but I can't talk about it now because of the Imus Thing!!!
and here's the setup:

Ron: Hey Earl, do you like dogs?
Earl: Dogs hate me.

[TonyBagels]

A lot of times, when I'm sitting in the park eating a sandwich, I like to see packs of dogs running by. It's like you're in nature.

[TonyBagels]

I don't like to see a man with a cat. It's not a good look.

(this one's here for you Flying!!)

[TonyBagels]

Ron: You still have swimmy, Dave? What is he, a goldfish?
Dave: He's actually a beta. It's like a goldfish, only you don't have to feed him..
Fez: Ever?
Ron: That's not a fish, it's a rock.

[TonyBagels]

Given (wonderboy): I'm not as rash as East Side Dave.
Ron: If rash means stupid, then yeah he's rash.

[Arch Stanton]

What a page!!! What a thread!! Great effort buddays!

Who's our big winner? Ronnie!!! Yay!!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ya know I have more to add about Aaron, but with all this Imus stuff, I'm just going to let it calm down

[MilkmanDan]

Ron - "There is only one record that I care about though, and thats most home runs by a white person."

[TonyBagels]

They're not the leaders of the black community any more than any of us are the leaders of the white community. You know the reality of it is: We're all one community, The United States of America.

(I think I may have butchered this quote, I was driving and didn't write it down)

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Wasn't Dave just crying and moping around about his ex-girlfriend a couple of weeks ago? Casey is a rebound girl!
Ron: Sure she's a rebound girl, but she can pass and score as well. Triple Double threat!


Ron: Wackbag thinks the whole thing is a bit, but they still don't think that Gail O is dead...

[TonyBagels]

(about guy crying time)

Ron: See I'm crying too!
Fez: You're pouring water over your face.
Ron: Yeah. Isn't that crying?

(later)

Fez: You're not crying.
Ron: I want to be one of the girls. Hey, you know what? The three of us should go out later for tea and shoes.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Pacman Jones has been suspended for the entire upcoming NFL season
Ron: For eatin' dots?

[LiddyRules]

On Paul McCartney: "He's an idiot."

[TonyBagels]

(to Casey's dad)
Ah, Doug. Throw a blanket over your daughters head and take her away.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Well most people I meet really like me
Ron: Wanna bet? I should show you some of my e-mails

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

I had this recorded on my MiFi, from last week, Ron talking about the first time he jerked off:
"I thought I broke it, now I'm going to be fucking pissing butter the rest of my life."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
----------------------
Ron: So they show these graphics of what New York is going to look like with the global warming, and I show them a graphic of Ronnie Bennington living in the Poconos in a house with stilts!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
-----------------------
Caller: You guys keep talking about the paper bags and styrofoam, you have no idea what pain is. I've had 25 botox shots in my face!
Ron: I bet you have...you've already got a V for Vendetta mask


Ron: Okay, we've got some aluminum foil. Lets chew on this...
Fez: OH MY GOD!! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
Ron: I'm part shark

[Barbwire Mike]

Dave: You know what I want at my bachelor party?
Ron: Coke? 'Cause I'm working on that.
"I want it to be so fucking good that when I don't die from it, I'm asking for my money back."

[TonyBagels]

(about Earl breaking the producer record, to Earl)
I will give you this, no matter what happens, you are the worst producer we've ever had, by far. And to me, that's what matters. Day in, Day out, you find a way to fuck up the show. And I'll give you this, it's not the same way every day.

[TonyBagels]

rewatching the Big Ass State of the Union

(as President Bush)
A man named Ron Bennington returned a cellphone to a man who left it in a taxi cab. He's a true hero.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ron, why don't you try an autobiography?
Ron: I did try one...it was called "Me Don't Write Good." If I wrote anything it'd be a legacy of shit writing and misspelled words

[CM Mark]

"This country has women, and women with cocks"

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : "I dont remember going to the polls"

Ron : "Let me tell you something, you went to the pole more then any other guy in the 80's or 90's"

[Wilmington WOW]

Fez : "I dont remember going to the polls"

Ron : "Let me tell you something, you went to the pole more then any other guy in the 80's or 90's"


ditto ya beat me too it

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Maybe I should take in a paduan...
Fez: Sheepy would be a good one
Ron: Yeah, Sheepy would be pretty good. Flea has asked me, but after hearing things about him in Board Gossip, I don't think even I could make him cool

[MilkmanDan]

Bronx Johnny : "Yeah my dads a blast, calls up when he needs bail money or some other bullshit"

Ron : "Do you feel like Earls your new dad? Offers you nothing and just takes?"

Bronx Johnny : "Yeah."

[SinA]

Ron Bennington just coined the phrase:

"We're living in a post-Imus world"

[ChimneyFish]

"Earl, do you ever sit down and think "I'm the worst producer"????

[thegreenninja]

talking about women that are oddly hot:
Caller:"how about Rachael Ray?"
Ron:"Thats the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. She has a cooking show, and can't cook. That's oddly stupid."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know, it's nice, stopping in and seeing the old gang, picking up new hobbies
Fez: Whatcha up to now?
Ron: Shooting heroin



Fez: Well I don't know about picking that up as a new hobby
Ron: Eeeehhh...it's not that much of new hobby


Ron: Oh great, just what you want to see at a funeral, a wreath with FULL BLOWN AIDS written across it!
Fez: Well maybe they could change it to Full "Bloom" AIDS...
Ron: The AIDS part is the problem!!!


Ant: There is nothing worse than fucking in a pool
Ron: But there is something satisfying about pulling out and it looks like you just created a jellyfish

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Just the joy of being around someone who knows his own opinion...

[TonyBagels]

I'm gonna say that I'll hate the new studio, just for being different. I'm gonna pull a Fez Whatley and hate any change.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I think Earl's had a great day
Fez: How can you say that he's having a great day? His guest didn't even show!
Ron: Yeah, but I didn't want that guest

[LiddyRules]

*What's Happening Theme during the theme quiz*
"I wonder if that should be taken away because Earl started dancing."

[TonyBagels]

(show music quiz)
Fez: What's Happenin'
Earl: That one should be taken away, 'cause Earl was dancin'


YOU BEAT ME LIDDY!!!

[TonyBagels]

Fez: I was being held down by the neighborhood bad boys, while I was screaming, "I'm missing my shows!"
Ron: and isn't it ironic that you're doing a show with one of those bad boys

[Shaggz]

Ron talking to Fez: "Before I give you $250, there would be a firefight and I've known you for years. For an ashtray gift giving fuck like you, I wouldn't give a dime."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: We hugged for literally 2 minutes when she came back
Ron: Wow, so that's lasting longer than your actual lovemaking. Nice job. Why don't you put a stop-watch on that for us?

[Budyzir]

“So you have a gun and a therapist …… thank you my friend”

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Jackie Robinson did the easiest thing in all of sports. A black man, playing sports against nothing but whites...

Ron: Are you guys into the piss games at home?
ESD: No, we're not...nor shall we get into those
Ron: Yeah. That's what they all say...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Shirley, is there anything good going on in the world?
Shirley: You know the Lord is coming, right?
Ron: When?
Shirley: ........shortly



Ron: Did you even listen to anything that Shirley Phelps Roper said? We're at the End of Days here, Fez! But...I think we've still got some Sodomy time left...we've got time to enjoy some sodomy

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: ...3 weddings and a funeral...
Fez: Four
Ron: Four? I left early and missed a wedding?!?

Ron: How long is your walk?
Than: Eh...about 5 minutes
Ron: So that's a perfect spot for me to stop between my shows, drink a beer and smoke a joint.
Than: Sure
Ron: Do I get my own key, or are you going to be home between 3 and 6?

[LiddyRules]

"There's nothing funnier than a monkey in a suit. Everytime I see one I have to ask 'where does he think he's going? Work?"

Ok, I'm simple.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Than: Well my girlfriend is the only one who sees crazy things like that...
Ron: I bet she doesn't. It's either missionary or nothing. "You have two choices, old grandma sex or nothing"

Ron: So Fez, you saw your therapist today?
Fez: Yeah, today was the 3rd "intake" meeting
Ron: Intake means butt-fuck?
Fez: No!

[Wilmington WOW]

ronnie was on fire
10 Fez gay jokes
rapid fire in about 30 seconds

input session - anal?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Look, when people are congratulating you on eating your jello, it's cause you're either old, retarded, or a baby

[Wilmington WOW]

ha ha
"somebody put a fucking cork in tear boy"


"I dont go there" (FBA)
"I dont blame you"

[DarylPryor]

*discussing how wild horses (or was it crazy horses) is the number one song in portland*

Ron: *playing mighty horse theme* "That's east coast"

[Tax Kuntz]

"This is a guy who buys fish at 7-11, takes it home and cooks it, and wonders why he feels bad."

[goldenbunz]

Ron: "you bettet get better, I'll get another fem in here soooo fast. I'll get one on the queer eye guys"
Dave: "Do Carson"
Ron: Ewwww!

[grimace]

Discussing introducing Earl to the Edge from U2:

Edge, this is Earl Douglas....
Earl, THIS IS THE EDGE!!!

[RMPGP]

"I should have known when it wasn't STYXXXXX"

[TonyBagels]

I'm for censorship, because we talk less. It really makes my job easier.

[RMPGP]

"I love when he quits....."

[jimmyolsenblues]

Re: this thread
Ron: "Its the only thing on the web that is not wasted space".

[frago]

Speaking of this thread Ron:
"Thats the greatest thread in the history of the internet."

[TonyBagels]

That's (this one) the greatest thread in the history of the internet. and that's not just from me, my family says it too

[RMPGP]

"You remember the year coke was invented Fez"

[MilkmanDan]

Fez - "Bob Geldoff and his new project"

Ron - "I loved lord of the rings"

Fez - "Thats Gandalf"

[frago]

I dont care if there givin away oxygen , I aint standin on line.

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave about standing on line for a Nintendo Wii)
Bro, what did you just say to me, "Stand on line". I wouldn't stand on line for oxygen let alone..

-edit- damn you frag

[coffediva]

ronnie is the man

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave on the opening song selection)

and by the way Dave, not everybody is happy with you. I've been getting a lot of emails from nail-tech salons who want the middle of the road stuff that Earl plays.

[TonyBagels]

(to Arch Stanton)
Arch, it's very important to me that you stop sounding like Rich Vos

[mikek]

This [shooter video] is like pornography for fucking psychos.

[not exactly funny, but very very true]

[TonyBagels]

(to Homan13PSU)

Can I just say something Kev, that's the stupidest intro ever.

[LiddyRules]

*After a bad Ramon call* "How you embarass Jimmy Norton you incompetent cocksucker. Fucking Texas, is there a lower spot in the 50 states?"

[TonyBagels]

(about failed Ramon call)
-edit- Liddy beat me to it

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Did you try to take her out?
Earl: No
Ron: Then why don't you just come out and tell everyone you're gay...

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : "Lilly you are so little and thin, and you eat so much. I'm thinking, she must be shitting right now"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Why do you know everything about Weezer? Ya fuckin' idiot...
Fez: I enjoy them..


Ron: You..my friend, are bearly out of the cave. You're not fuckin' civilized. I love you Pitsy, but you're a real knuckle-dragger

[TonyBagels]

(to Lilly who said it would take drugs for her to participate in a menage)

I'll fuckin' tie you off, if that's what it takes

[RMPGP]

"You still get your insurance from Geico?"

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Am I going to Hell for that?
Ron: Catholic Church? Yeah, and your gonna get a guy thrown off the Radio for that too.

[RMPGP]

"Arch, you sound just like Vos"

[TonyBagels]

(to a bricklayer on the phone)
Well I carried blocks for about..a half hour. :clap: :clap:

[TonyBagels]

(from yesterday's FM, about a statue to Than (of O&A))

Dave: No Sam?
Ron: I'll tell you what, Sam is the Fez of that show.
Fez: What!?
Ron: He's the anchor pulling him down.

[trucker_ben]

Don't be scared were here for you

(to caller who was scared of a natural disaster)

[Stewed Tomato]

*After a bad Ramon call* "How you embarass Jimmy Norton you incompetent cocksucker. Fucking Texas, is there a lower spot in the 50 states?"Actually...yes. It's called Florida.:action-sm

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM
-------------------
Ron: I don't want to deal with the chick who's headlining...give me one of the ugly ones. Maybe, ahh...maybe a burn victim. Maybe I'll do that...open up a club, call it Burnies..."Weekend at Burnies" where the dancers are all burn victims...


Caller: Hey we're getting some bonus time tonight guys!
Ron: Huh?
Caller: You're normally off the air by 7:20...
Ron: Oh my god, we forgot the Nets game!! Uhh, alright we're outta here folks, um, uhh, umm...oh geez, the first 5 minutes of the Nets game are gone

Ron: You guys in the news, you want to study maniacs...head on down to Philadelphia and just check out all of their fans

Ron: I remember one time, I'm 5 years old and I go up to my dad saying, "Today gonna be the day? You feelin' strong Big Man? You go ahead, but you gotta sleep sometime...and I'm comin in there"
ESD: What can a 5 year old do?
Ron: Ehhh...

[Hidden_Rage]

*Bronx Johnny sextreveganza starts*

Ron : They play this on public access TV in Mexico.

[Hidden_Rage]

*Alexis clip of getting fucked*

Ron : Is she getting fucked or are they playing ping pong?

[mikek]

Ron, to Dave (while the Paltalk cam shows Casey & a guy friend sitting in ESD's apt):

Are you, Casey, & Jon ready to have kids yet?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I've got good news for you Dave...I was talkin to your chick and have convinced her to do a threesome with you
ESD: YEAH!!
Ron: It's going to be you and Kelhoff
ESD: Well I haven't met her, but...
Ron: Her?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

hahahahahha

Ron: Fez it was at 77% over on RonFez.net that they wanted Sheepy to live with you. 100% here on the show! It would have been even higher on RonFez.net if they got rid of the "pee in your butt" people


Ron: What the hell was Bobby Vann's wife's name?
Bobo: Mini?
Ron: No, :icon_lol: not Mini Vann :icon_lol:....damn you Bobo

Ron: Hey Pattyboy! Yeah, it's Dave...you coming to the party tonight? Yeah, it's called "East Side Dave's Cocksucking Extravaganza!"

[OandA_Chris]

I love it anytime Ronnie flips out on someone and calls them a ham and egger.

[ktfo22]

We should continue the LOTD from BEST OFs!!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Mikey D: Just look at an eggplant, that's what my cock looked like!
Ron: I'm looking at an eggplant...he just passed out

[NortonsGravyLeg]

Ron: Eww your puking for real, you're and animal.
Fez. Yup!

[tommytwobucks]

HE BROKE HIS DICK, EARL!

I had several non-listeners gathered around my truck today during this bit. They were all saying, "Who the fuck are these guys?" Radio gold, buddies!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Swiss Miss: Oh here's a good one..."It Won't Fit"
Ron: That's all I've ever wanted to hear

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Creepy Uncle: C'mere, lemme getch your nose!
Little Ronnie: Why don't you go have another drink, Drinky! I know your hand is on its way to my balls, ya sick old fuck

[Arch Stanton]

Ron to Caller: Your a Fuckin' Maroon.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Swank perfume advertisements....

Ron: Swaaaaaannnk. Smell like you've been peeing standing up

[jimmyolsenblues]

Subject: Fear of Dogs/German Shepard's.

Ron: I look out for German Shepard's like I am a fucking antelope.

[bizzaro jerry]

The perfume bit was pretty funny.

[lankytuesday]

Ron has incredible comedic talent, but he's also been through some shit (of which he eludes to in the show) which gives him a particular insight enabling him to hold interesting, ernest and hilarious debates on serious moral issues (i.e. adultery, drugs, etc...) without moralizing or being a condescending know-it-all. It's a very unusuall combination to have earnest concerns about human morality and the meaning of life, and then at the same time be able to chuck those away to get off a hilarious line. Bill Mahr fucking dreams of being this funny and dead-serious at the same time.

Fez (quoting his father hosing off a young Fez): Stand still and I'll finish sooner.

Ron (no beat)- Yeah, I've said that to chicks too.

[ScottyGams]

holy shit! i joined whackbag just to see how long this fucking thing actually was (it has become famous)... you guys are the fucking kings of commitment!

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "She's got a vagina like a barbie doll".

I just wanted to see how my post would look in SS font.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Topic: Caller upset cause he pays for service and they are training interns
Ron: "Shut the fuck up you joyless prick"

[I.L.I.O.S.T.]

One of my favorite lines of all time.

Fez: I can't pee in a public bathroom.

Ron: What's the matter? You can't piss through a hard on?

[MilkmanDan]

holy shit! i joined whackbag just to see how long this fucking thing actually was (it has become famous)... you guys are the fucking kings of commitment!

As Ronnie calls it, the mighty 2000. Welcome aboard.

Liddyrules from post 1.

---
Ron *after playing Gary Glitter/Soundboard Fez Remix*: It's hard to believe but at one point in our lives, that made us laugh hysterically.
---

[TonyBagels]

The perfume bit was pretty funny.
Yeah, Miss Ron and Fez Production Pieces (but I digress from the greatness that is this thread)

I don't think I could have done this without LiddyRules

[TonyBagels]

I don't care what I've been accused of. But I'll tell you this, I've never been convicted of ****.


You'll be amazed what happens when a witness disappears.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Dave, I'm tellin you, you gotta go with an ugly chick! No one will want to take her from you and they're always better in the sack
Ron: Well I'm not going to say that they're always better in the sack, but they will eat your asshole for you

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What would you say about it Fezzie? We're down to crepe paper and old socks?
Fez: No...I, I think we're still on the way up! I think we're still getting better and better
Ron: Oh dear god do you need those drugs


Ron: Earl, we doin any sort of a show tonight?
Earl: Short porch tonight
Ron: Pre-taped short porch?
Earl: Yeah
Ron: Yessssss....I love it. The listeners don't like it, but it's like I'm just stealing money

[Arch Stanton]

Get in the garbage can you fuckin' garbage

[Arch Stanton]

On Albanian Wedding:
Sure, somebody puts a pin in a Potato and your Married.
I can't go to anything like that.

[OandA_Chris]

About Daves new hair cut.

That wasn't a mirror it was an 8x10 of Ron Howard.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I mean, you watch this stuff on tv...if you were from another planet and saw this, you'd say, "I can't believe that these retards build bridges and can fly"

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez: That's great, Bruce Willis just said....

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ronnie singing an irish jig:

"And were fucking , shitting, drinking , pissing
And were fucking , shitting, drinking , pissing"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, so I've been thinking while you guys were talking...and for my 30 minutes, I'd go back....Happy Typing Girl is 13, I molest her!



Ron: Oh look at these pictures HTG is sending me! Now I know what beach you were on...go back and look at that picture, you'll see some man grabbing her wrist and changing everything

Ron: Would you fuck yourself in the ass?
Fez: No! One of me would hurt!
Ron: Not with that little dick of yours...

Ron: So how about those numbers we got last night? HOLY SHIT! Ron and Fez big in New York....

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Why do you like al-Queda better than us?
Caller: Huh...I didn't think about it that way. Okay I won't go back in time
Ron: Okay, can I have your trip? Cause I want to get Happy Typing Girl one more time
Fez: Another half an hour?
Ron: Just at this time I'd get her at 15. Or maybe I'd get her on her way out to prom. "It's me again!"

[thekidslepthere]

Ronnie singing an irish jig:

"And were fucking , shitting, drinking , pissing
And were fucking , shitting, drinking , pissing"

When they were on vacation last week I was checking out some old WNEW shows. He did this same jig in a segment about the Kennedy cousin Michael Skakle trial, during the first week of June 2002, excpet fucking and shitting were replaced with ****** and killing. It's a hysterical half hour and worth tracking down.

I was listening to it on my ipod at the gym while doing cardio and peoeple were staring at me.

[tommytwobucks]

Ron: So Fez, you're going to the retard doctor today?
Fez: Yes, I'm going to see my therapist...

[Sack of Chisels]

"Earl you could work for the government... you lie through your teeth."

[Jimbo929]

Ron: You know why I am able to say the things I say?
Because you Fu**in listen to it

Brilliant

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Well...some people's uncle's have a lot of money. Let's look in your wallet!
Fez: I don't think I have it with me...

Ron: Let's play the Uncle game! I have an Uncle ___
Fez: I have an uncle _____
Fezzie's Niece Allison: Uncle Todd!
Ron: That's a real name....

[Arch Stanton]

More tea Todd?

Hey Earl, how many blocks could you walk with Fez's niece before being stopped.

[Lunchbox420]

Ron: Allison took a picture with Earl today...she wants to take it home and show her friends how they mingle up north...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Here comes our friend Negro Bob!
Earl: Hello....
Ron: Negro Bob, after tea get back to the field and plant things...

[Lunchbox420]

Ron : he has children...because hes a heterosexual...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We're going to play a game called, "What animal is Earl?"
Earl: <horse winny>
Ron: Monkey?
Fez: Pig?
Allison: A horse!
Ron: A black horse?


Ron: Lets do another one...
Earl: Quack, quack quack
Ron: Monkey?
Fez: A cat?
Allison: A duck!
Ron: A black duck?

Ron: Okay one more.
Earl: Oink oink oink
Ron: Monkey?
Fez: A cow?
Allison: I know! A pig!
Ron: A black pig?
Earl: A dirty, black muddy pig

Ron: Last one, for all of us to see who's the winner
Earl: Hee haw hee haw hee haww
Ron: Monkey?
Fez: A ferret?
Allison: A donkey!
Ron: A black donkey?

[BCH]

saw it coming and still laughed like a mental patient. Ron rules.


Ron : Earl what are you doing hiding under a kid's pool?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Did you find Earl?
Allison: Found you!!
Ron: Earl, why are you hiding under a child's pool? It's like every episode of cops!

[flyerfan116]

just listened to the monday replay this morning so this one is a little late but it made me laugh...

Caller comparing Earl to Eddie Robinson...

Fez: yeah the former Grambling coach who we lost recently
Ron: No they found him..he's dead

made me loff and loff

[MilkmanDan]

Bobo : "The single biggest problem most fathers have is "

(Cut off) Ron : "Having Children, I know. Paying for it."

[Arch Stanton]

To caller going to Hawaii:
Yes there is something I want but you need to Rathole it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Sheepy: I only watched the "Idol Gives Back" episode...but what did they take?
Ron: Our souls.


Ron: You know what I do to 20 something year old girls?
Fez: What?
Ron: Fuck em doggystyle!

[baggio]

Dave: Does she wear glasses?

Ron: I make her wear glasses, so that when I slap her they would crack.

I was rolling.

[DMS]

Ron was on fire today. I herd all the ones mentioned above. I loffed almost as hard rereading them here. :icon_lol:

[cal5000]

I think my favorite of all time is when he yelled at the caller who tried to give him shit about working for a corporation and Ron throws in:

Ron: Because Im with it!

funny callback to his carny roots

[thefirebuilds]

it's the second greatest show on 202. when i first got XM back in early Nov. (exactly 1 week before Fez's heart attack), that was the first i've ever listened to them. I haven't been able to turn them off.

WHAT. Than and Sam stink.

[KOTT]

i laughed when i heard this ron line:

id make her wear glasses (fez's therapist), so when i slap her they crack

[BroGonzo]

After observing that Dave is a towheaded outcast...

Ron: "We'll form a ring around him, and we'll chant, 'I'd rather be dead than red on the head."

[TonyBagels]

(from Tuesday's XM show)

Why don't we play the excuse game. Earl, you give the excuse and we'll guess what you did. :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Lilly: No, my sister is really not into anything like that
Ron: Yeah, but when we tie her down and you get those dollar signs in your eyes....

[dilznick101]

*discussing how much money it would take to get him to poke his own eye out*

Pitsy: Do I get to choose which eye to poke out?

Ron: What am I hitler? Of course. I'm going to let choose the eye.

[axxis64]

responding to Dave:

Ron: When was the last tme you've seen a bear catch a deer you fuckhead?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You're telling me I can skullfuck you for less than it'd cost to get one of your kidneys?
Dave: Yes...well I know I have some health issues and I'd need it
Ron: I'd take that kidney for $100,000 and then just shred it up in front of you. I wouldn't even do anything with it, just shred it.


Dave: If you put $20,000 in front of me, I'd put it in (Earl's) ass
Ron: If we put 6 beers in front of you you'd do it!


Ron: $2 million for a vow of silence, I can skullfuck you for $7,000, get a kidney for $100k...the pricing in this store is completely out of whack!!

[TonyBagels]

(during BxJ's sextravaganza)

BxJ: She actually snorts cum. Which I've never seen before..
Ron: Ahhh, Dave

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Bronx Johnny: Yeah I really suggest you check this chick out. She snorts cum! I've never seen anyone do that before
Ron: Umm....Dave. Dave has snorted cum before

EDIT: DAMN YOU TONY!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Pitzy: Earl's a human speed bump! He just slows everything down
Ron: Earl's SIDS for adults. You're just about to get it on and the baby dies before anything even starts

[FatassTitePants]

Ron: (to Sheepy) "You shit in my face. You literally shit in my face."
[Dave points out that Fez's neice is in studio]
Ron: "Sorry...You pooed in my face."

[tommytwobucks]

...can't believe nobody posted this yet...

"Earl's knock sounded like a mosquito's dick dry-humping the door!"

I miss uncle Todd

[thefirebuilds]

The best part of the show for me today was ridiculing fez's therapist.

Ron - "Therapist can also be read as "the rapist""
Fez - "She's Not!"
Ron - "You're paying her to mind-fuck you."

please correct me, as i know im a bit (way) off.

I also enjoyed when Fez explained his therapist's superiors were watching over her and Ron pointed out that now several people knew he was "a basket."

[thefirebuilds]

about a week and a half ago they were talking about sudoku:

Ron "How do you do it?"
Fez "you have to put in all numbers from 1-10 across and in each box"
Ron "No I dont."
*scratch*scratch*scratch*
Ron "There, done. How long did that take?"
*about 6 seconds*
Ron "hmm, I thought i could go faster than that."

[Angelfuck]

Dave: Casey's opinions count too
Ron: Ohhh, you're gonna have that kinda marriage

[thefirebuilds]

In response to Bloomberg claiming Staten Island was won in a boat race - "And then Paul Bunyan started digging, and before you know it we had the east river."

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave's proposal)
Dave: It sounded so magical in my mind.
Ron: Oh, it was fuckin' terrible.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron <in retard Dave voice>: You're purdy ring. Take heart love ring! Purdy love ring heart take

[TonyBagels]

(FM, During the Beanie call with Casey & Dave)

Beanie (to Casey): Can I say hello to her?
Ron: Ah, she's studying catholicism, right now.

[TonyBagels]

whoops, I typed in the wrong thread, so used to typing in here.


OK How about this (about Beanie)

I like hearing about the pitcher of beer, and then before you know it, Boom, Lindberg has landed.

[TonyBagels]

(FM, to Dave about horses)

Dave: I always thought the hay keeps horses in line.
Ron: Keep 'em in line? What are they gonna do, hangout and smoke and throw rocks at windows with the other horses?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

<about Sheepy poll-dancing>
Ron: It was so gay and disgusting...I almost couldn't cum

[MilkmanDan]

Fez : The Simpsons movie is coming out, and Barts going full frontal !

Ron : He's got a huge Hog. A huge yellow hog

Fez : I knew it !

[LiddyRules]

Ron: Another fucking penguin movie?!
Fez: Yeah, they're surfing in this one.
Ron: Wait a second, now I might want to go.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: It was the most timid knock ever!
Ron: It sounded like a mosquito's dick dry-humping the door!

Ron: Who's your favorite listener?
Fez: I'm going to say HappyTyping Girl
Ron: Iiinteresting, you go with the girl who doesn't like you. Me, I'm gonna say Angelfuck
Fez: WHAT?!?
Ron: Oh that's right, you weren't there for the lapdance. It was amazing

[Angelfuck]

just for specifics, he said "It was fucking amazing" ;) :p

[jimmyolsenblues]

Subject: on Dela Hoya Pre-Fight 2 small mexican super light weight fights.

Ron:"It was like watching 2 mosquitoes in a jar fight for 45 minutes".

[Arch Stanton]

<about Sheepy poll-dancing>
Ron: It was so gay and disgusting...I almost couldn't cum
Ron: Then he did a move and Boom, it was over.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Hey Ronnie, I got a drug test today at 5pm...how much water should I drink to pass it?
Ron: Well what I'd do is get a great big giant glass of water, and the Want Ads cause you waited too long to pass that sonofabitch

[LiddyRules]

*On Soldier Wives*

Pepper Hicks: They marry some skanks.
Ron: I wasn't going to say skanks, I was going to say street trash

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, well you can't punch a woman...
Caller: No, I'd never do that
Ron: But I would go and snap all of her fingers

[MilkmanDan]

Ron - "I could never punch a woman, but I'd break her fingers right at the tips. "

Damn you JD !

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday XM, about HummerTuesdays)

They (ronandfezshow.net) got that hot chick they hang out with.

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday XM)
Here we are. We're all basically dropped on a desert island...This is it. This is all we have and we're all gonna fight? Can you imagine if you're fuckin' ship crashed on a desert island and there's 15 of you and you started killing each other. That would be a ridiculous thing, right? Why are we killing each other on this planet? And why is that seen as the only solution on this planet? What the fuck is wrong with this species, that we live here basically on Eden, and we've treated it basically like a donicker, like a shithole?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I wish we had instant replay in real life...but it's not the NFL
Ron: If we had instant replay, I'd have never hired you in the first place




Ron: Your mom calls your underware panties, right?
ESD: Yes!
Ron: Davey, pull down your panties....mommy hungry

[Arch Stanton]

Earl!!! Get me the wire cutters!!!

[mightymalachi]

Ron: You're a fuckjob Earl.

[Turtle]

ESD: I wish we had instant replay in real life...but it's not the NFL
Ron: If we had instant replay, I'd have never hired you in the first place




Ron: Your mom calls your underware panties, right?
ESD: Yes!
Ron: Davey, pull down your panties....mommy hungry
:clap: :haha7: :haha7: :clap:

[LiddyRules]

John (a caller): Why doesn't Earl burst into the doctor's door like when you were in with Manelli?
Ron: Call Earl back and hit him with that line. Fucking beautiful John.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Pitzy: No! We need Paris Hilton free. We need more titty pictures and more sex videos
Ron: Yeah, well she sucks a cock like she's never seen one. What's this bob-bob-stop, bob-bob-stop? You do that to me, I'm grabbing your ears and am like, "Hey, how bout we get a little rhythm here honey?"



Ron: There's a delay in his brain! He's gotta translate everything he hears into <pop click click clack pop pop>




Pyle: You guys ready for us? We'll be up there on Tuesday!
Ron: Oh Jesus Christ....

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh and Earl? Crystal Zevon wanted me to tell you that she hated you. And that Warren remembered you from back in the NEW days and he hated you too
Earl: Hate? Me?
Ron: Yeah...she used the word hate. And you. Well...maybe not you, but she described you. Well...she used the N-word......actually it may have been me



Ron: I'm down to 0 friends in the world. If something happens to Fez, I seriously don't have anyone left.

[NortonsHeiny]

Caller asks who would win a Gorilla or a Bear. Earl picks the bear. Ron replies "Earl I cant believe your betting against the gorilla"

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Earls knock on the door before stealing money from Rons pocket by interupting a meeting "It sounded like a mosquito dick dry humping the door"

[NortonsHeiny]

And he is even brilliant when simply asking Fez if he had to be present to win the Tivo prize to which Fez replies that cant win the prize. Ron simply states "Well then I am not going to be present."

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking about Earl- Earl is like adult SIDS, you're having sex and suddenly the baby dies.

[RMPGP]

The show was insanely funny tonight on FreeFM, Earl was not under a bus he was under the subway without that crazy subway superhero to save him. There should be tons of lines of the day from tonight.

Anyway here's my contribution:

Ron: "We have to thank RMPGP... do we even know what that stands for?"

Dave: "No...."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Yeah, well have you ever been to Buffalo?
ESD: No...
Ron: Well they need all the pride they can get. This is a city that is really just trying to catch up with Cleveland

[redballs]

"one of us used the n word, and it wasn't e-lo"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: These people go "Faith, Family, & Flag." They put the constitiution a distant 3rd! Bunch of traitors they are
Ron: Can I tell you something? I put my family after lunch...that's where I put them


ESD: I don't think Fez would like having a baboon heart...
Ron: Why not? Earl has one

[mightymalachi]

Dave: What would be so bad about a babboon heart?
Ron: I don't know, Earl has one.

[LiddyRules]

Ron: My advertisers are fake speed and mother's day flowers so I think I'm fine.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ya know, no offense to Turtle, but Dave you're the biggest douchebag on the planet

Ron: You'd sleep with your sister for $5 million?
Lilly: Yeah
Ron: I'd sleep with your sister for free!

[flyerfan116]

on Earl being dyslexic

of course he is...he thinks he's a Ginner

had me rolling

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday XM)

Fez: I did not want to go to the hospital yesterday.
Ron: Deathwish?

[TonyBagels]

(earlier in the week, FM, to caller complimenting live reads)

That's not just a commercial, it's a cry for help.

[TonyBagels]

(earlier in the week, FM, to Dave)

You know what I can't believe and what makes this the greatest country in the world, you got a chick.

[redballs]

"kennedys , dead kennedys that's redundant"

[Garyisajoke]

Earl vs. a paperweight:

"A paperweight can get served at a Denny's down South. And I wouldn't mind if my sister started dating a paperweight."

[LiddyRules]

"I vote Clapton for one reason, one reason alone...skin color."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: We're going white vs. black here....Hendrix or Clapton?
ESD: Hendrix
Earl: Hendrix!
Pitsy: Hendrix.
Ron: I'm going to go Clapton...and one reason and one reason alone....skin color.

EDIT: Damnit Liddy!!

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Steve Carlton or Jesus
Ron : Aren't they the Same Person?




Caller : FBA or Wackbag
Ron : Wackbag

[Chester'sLiver]

Choosing between Earl or Aids

Ron: Wow, if I had Earl I would be ashamed to tell my parents.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Okay which would you rather have, Earl or AIDS?
Ron: Wow...if I had Earl I'd be embarassed to tell my parents

FUCK!! how the hell do I get beaten to this thread twice in one day? :arrrh: :arrrh:

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : "When I coached little league I'd just throw a rubber ball at the kids for the first week and go "See if it doesnt bother you"".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm like a lion tamer...I can take a guy who was screaming and yelling seconds earlier and now I've got him singing a nice calming little song

[NortonsHeiny]

On Sheepy Pole Dancing at HTGs party: "It was so gay I almost couldn't cum"

[R.BuddDwyer]

It's the best feeling in the world knowing that right when you're goin' to bed some asshole's driving to work.

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl what are you writing over there? I shouldn't be working here?

[Weenis]

About Earl in the cab with Fez on the way to the hospital:

PitZ (I think): "And Earl made Fez pay the cabfare."
Ron: "Don't worry Fez, everything will be fine. Now that will be $7..."

[TonyBagels]

The show was insanely funny tonight on FreeFM, Earl was not under a bus he was under the subway without that crazy subway superhero to save him. There should be tons of lines of the day from tonight.

Here's one (FM, 5-9, about replacing Fez)

Well, he can be replaced, but by nobody in this room. I'm telling you that right now...A matter of fact, anything happens to Fez, God forbid, I'm dusting this whole thing. This thing, I will carpet bomb it before I find out I'm coming in with you ham 'n eggers...You will need a cleaner in this room, they'll be so many bodies on the floor.

[redballs]

"to teach third grade all you need is a fourth grade education"

[TonyBagels]

Earl: You have the Bonds thing. Basically no one...
Ron: Let's go to break, It's the Ron & Fez Show.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We are the worst friends in the world.
ESD: I don't think we're that bad...
Ron: Hitler had better friends than us! Julius Caesar had better friends than us and they stabbed him to death!

[Danesy]

Ron "Earl you chasin' crazy pussy again"

[dilznick101]

Dave: If you'll remember Corey Haim....

Ron: Remember? That's all I think about.

[MilkmanDan]

Dave: If you'll remember Corey Haim....

Ron: Remember? That's all I think about.

Maybe the funniest line of the month.



Ron to Caller : "You dont like other peoples weaknesses like we do, we love to see each other in distress"

[TonyBagels]

(FM, to Fez)

The show's stunk without you.

[hangoverbuffet]

Caller: Hey Ronnie, I got a drug test today at 5pm...how much water should I drink to pass it?
Ron: Well what I'd do is get a great big giant glass of water, and the Want Ads cause you waited too long to pass that sonofabitch

line of the month

[Natesac]

Dave: If you'll remember Corey Haim....

Ron: Remember? That's all I think about.


I'm still chuckling at that one. :)

[Magazineman]

on Earl being dyslexic

of course he is...he thinks he's a Ginner

had me rolling


this is the line of the year. how do you do it ronny?

[TonyBagels]

(FM, late last week, it may have been Friday)

You know what Earl, when I say "Carney's and Rubes", you're supposed to be with the carneys. You've been walking around for 5 years with a belt.


(about Earl winning the BA NIght of Fights against Dukes)

[LiddyRules]

Dave: Clay Shaw, Clay Bertrand, who were they?
Ron: One was Joe Pesci and the other was Two-Face.

[LiddyRules]

Ron *on having Vincent Bugliosi*: I should have just turned to him and said "this is for Charlie." That would have gotten everyone else out of the news for a few days.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: We've got to spread our seed around a bit
Ron: I don't know about that one, because I pull my seed out every time. I don't want to leave any seed behind at all! What am I gonna do, fucking trust her with that?



Ron: Flea? Flea, you've got to be 21 to call the show...


Ron: What're you worried about Earl?
Earl: Another man smelling my ass just makes me really uncomfortable!
Ron: Cause all this smells like is ginger ale, crackers, and rotten eggs


ESD: WHOAAA!!!
Ron: Was that it?
ESD: No, that's not the brand I smelled, but holy shit, you need some hygene lessons! It smelled like some sort of retarded marshmallows
Ron: Oh I wish Fez was here....

[jimmyolsenblues]

Topic: What is great about Jeffery Dahmar's eating people.
Comedic Point: (Dahmar was ahead of his time).
Ron:"Dahmar was eating people way before Atkins, way before".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dave: The Human Race is the most cynical one ever
Ron: Are you kidding me? You guys believe in the psychics, Earl believes in the bible! We re the rubes of the universe! I believed, one time, that a hooker loved me! I'll believe in whatever gets me through the night

[Steve McQueen]

Are you kidding me? You guys believe in the psychics, Earl believes in the bible! We re the rubes of the universe! I believed, one time, that a hooker loved me! I'll believe in whatever gets me through the night

Damn, you beat me to it!:icon_mrgr

[hangoverbuffet]

ESD: We've got to spread our seed around a bit
Ron: I don't know about that one, because I pull my seed out every time. I don't want to leave any seed behind at all! What am I gonna do, fucking trust her with that?



Ron: Flea? Flea, you've got to be 21 to call the show...


Ron: What're you worried about Earl?
Earl: Another man smelling my ass just makes me really uncomfortable!
Ron: Cause all this smells like is ginger ale, crackers, and rotten eggs


ESD: WHOAAA!!!
Ron: Was that it?
ESD: No, that's not the brand I smelled, but holy shit, you need some hygene lessons! It smelled like some sort of retarded marshmallows
Ron: Oh I wish Fez was here....

me too ron... me too

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The nurses' nickname for you was "Gravy Blood." I went to them and said, "Hey it's alright if you call him that, but make sure you do it behind his back...he's sensitive."
Fez: I thought that was the guy in the next room they were talking about
Ron: You didn't see them pointing at you when they said it?



Ron: "Mr Whatley, time to take another shit pill."

Ron: Oh you've still got two more stents, a pacemaker...you've got a long way to go until we really need to worry about you
Fez: Oh yeah, I'll be okay for a while
Ron: You remind me of when Tiger Woods won those two majors at like 21...we have no idea how long you can go...you could go on forever

Ron: And were they checking out the diabetes?
Fez: Yeah, they were techking it constantly
Ron: How was it?
Fez: Ehhh...it was a little high
Ron: Yeah, the doctors didn't want to tell you, but they're probably gonna take off a couple of toes
Fez: WHAT?!?
Ron: What do you care? I know how tight your shoes are anyways....

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Well if you think about it Ron, we send all of our old drivers down to Miami, that's why they're number one
Ron: Ya know, you're right. We're sending all of our Joe Pa's, all of our old timers down there, and they're teaching everyone how to swear at you while behind the wheel...or more likely, they're teaching everyone how to speak English


Dave: Bridgeport always sounded like a really nice town.
Ron: Pbbtth...Bridgeport?!? Bridgeport somehow managed to make it into the Rust Belt! Bridgeport reminds me of a working man's town...that stopped working.

Ron: Oh c'mon, you moved out to the Southwest with your fatherless kid, and we're supposed to be like you made it? You're like if Mary Tyler Moore got ugly and quit!

See Ronnie, after 5 times reloading the page, I managed to get it in

[LiddyRules]

"We'll see you guys tomorrow, right after Ron and Fez."

*On Friends*
"Turn on that show and you'll notice how many group hugs there are. I don't give group hugs. Why? Because I don't like all my friends the same!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: They used to let you hit as many balls as you want into the stands during batting practice. I have a sack with 6 balls --
Ron: Ew! How do you get your pants on?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Did anyone get the exact wording from last night's Free FM show
Ron: "I know bars where 3pm its dark, if you open the door to let sun shine in they scurry, there is nothing but heartache and pain, "Its been two decades, why doesn't she love me""....

For me, there is nothing better than when Ron talks about heartache.

[balthan]

"Tune in for the Ron and Fez show tomorrow after Ron and Fez."

[Standby]

"See now that's where I'm with Rudy [Giuliani] in that he's for abortion... I say forced abortion."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about the Civil War
Ron: Yeah and it was over fast...<BAM> only 4 short years. It definately was a beatdown. One time at dinner my Granddad told us the story and we were all just laughing...


ESD: Well if Coppie was in PAC we'd have to get her a pearl necklace
Ron: OOhh yeahh...
ESD: No, I mean a real pearl necklace
Ron: Oh...I thought you were talking cum-stuff


<Earl cues Jealousy>
Ron & Fez: :haha7: :haha7: :haha7:
<Earl fucks up Jealousy>
Fez: And then he ruins it...
Ron: That's cause he's not good.


Striker: Oh yeah, there a lots of swingers out there!
Ron: Yeah, but none of them are attractive

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I remember the first time I saw a Playboy magazine when I was really young...and I remember seeing a naked chick and a guy in a tuxedo...I remember thinking to myself, "Sex is going to be pretty difficult, cause I don't like being all that formal"


Earl: We'd go home after church and I'd watch the game with my Dad
Ron: No..you'd watch the 2nd half of the game. Neither you nor your dad have ever seen a 1 o'clock kickoff!


Ron: See I didn't see any of this show last night Mikey...with the world collapsing all around me and all...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I honestly think, if I had enough time, that I could kick a giraffe to death



Ron: Of course I can kick anything to death while it's sleeping...that's cheating!

Ron: Okay <caller>, what would you kick to death?
Caller: I'd like to kick an XM Executive to deat-
Ron: 866-Ron-0-Fez, 866-Ron-0-Fez


Ron: Earl, are we going to get this disclaimer?
Earl: Umm...I don't see it coming in...nothing yet, no.
Ron: Then make a call and get it done. Instead of sitting there and hoping for magic...get it done


Ron: Okay that's it for us...see you tomorrow, right after Ron & Fez...coming up next, Ron & Fez...and don't forget to tune in later for Ron & Fez! Huh...lot of Ron & Fez on this channel...feelin kind of abandoned here...Get ready to hear this song 8 times a day....

[thrawn42]

I was laughing too hard to hear the whole quote but here's a few highlights:

"We'll be back tomorrow after Ron & Fez.....Coming up next it's Ron & Fez...Stay tuned later for Ron & Fez..."

Then later on as 'Satellite of Love' plays:

"Get ready to hear this song 8 times a day."

Edit: Damn Jimmy's Dignity beat me to it. :clap:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

FM...discussing the best boxers of all time

Caller: Alright, I've got one for you here Ronnie...Butterbean
Ron: Butterbean, he's actually fighting now under the name "Pat from Moonachie"

[mervgarcia]

I was laughing too hard to hear the whole quote but here's a few highlights:

"We'll be back tomorrow after Ron & Fez.....Coming up next it's Ron & Fez...Stay tuned later for Ron & Fez..."

Then later on as 'Satellite of Love' plays:

"Get ready to hear this song 8 times a day."

Edit: Damn Jimmy's Dignity beat me to it. :clap:

:haha7: Very Funny :haha7:

[thefirebuilds]

That quote about 8 times a day had me laughing hard as I have this week. Thanks for posting it.

Love these guys, miss em already. I hope my cancellation doesn't cause another stent for fez.

[thefirebuilds]

"What? I could read the whole bible in 3 hours. I could tell you everything you need to know about the bible in 3 hours."

[thefirebuilds]

The great thing is you hear the show so many times now there should be no errors when quoting the prophet.

I could almost hear Ron biting holes in his tongue over the hippo thing...

"If you can go outside and kick over a car I'm with you on the hippo thing."

[TonyBagels]

(FM)

Not on Long Island, they’re all very athletic. Well, they all wear sweat suits.

[TonyBagels]

(FM)

It’s not Brain surgery. By the way, I really think I can do brain surgery, if someone just gives me the chance. I don’t know, I just have this hunch.

[TonyBagels]

(FM)

The only people that can read my writing are Egyptians. And I’m not trying to do that. If I don’t know how spell something, I’ll just draw a picture.

[TonyBagels]

(FM)

Ron: Seriously, don’t joke like that. I’ll punch that stent right out of your chest.
Fez: Which one? {giggling}
Ron: Doesn’t matter, how can I miss?

[TonyBagels]

(FM)

DAve: Vegas is more the city that never sleeps.
Ron: No, Vegas is more the city that's on coke.

[palefishbelly]

"Lot of Ron & Fez on this station, a little too much for my tasssste"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I tell you Earl, I talked to ELO about you, and one used used the N word, and I tell you it wasn't ELO".

[jimmyolsenblues]

ESD about his girl "She won't even let me do the dishes, she is a saint"
Ron:"Jews don't have saints but thanks".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Well you know, turkeys are really fast. My dad used to have one and it'd chase me around
Ron: If i see one coming at me I'm gonna punt it like a football

[Arch Stanton]

I'm an anthropolgist and I have 2 radio shows.

[Arch Stanton]

The feathers on a Turkey are like a Flack Jacket that protect it. Give me all day and I will kick the Shit out of the Turkey

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, you've gotta be closer to me and I need heavier things to throw at you

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Those shoes are great , they're an investment !

Ron : What guy calls in to talk about shoes, did you have to spit the cum out first?

[TonyBagels]

I was laughing too hard to hear the whole quote but here's a few highlights:

"We'll be back tomorrow after Ron & Fez.....Coming up next it's Ron & Fez...Stay tuned later for Ron & Fez..."

Then later on as 'Satellite of Love' plays:

"Get ready to hear this song 8 times a day."

Edit: Damn Jimmy's Dignity beat me to it. :clap:
He had another one regarding that:

God I'm exhausted. Been doing radio 24 hours a day, and somehow find a way to do another 3.

Been doing this radiothon for 24 hours and still the Tote-board hasn't moved. Nobody cares about the kids.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I can't say I'd do that for everybody...like if Earl showed up with a dead body at my place I'd invite him in and then call 911. "Uhh, yeah, so what's the reward program like? You know, like when you turn in a black guy?"
Fez: So do you consider Earl a friend?
Ron: Like a tumor? Are tumors friends?

[TonyBagels]

(from Monday)

Dave: Now reading isn't one of my strong points.
Ron: Or talking...or thinking
Lil: Drinking?
Ron: No, he's not good at drinking, either.

[TonyBagels]

(from Monday, after Dave got hit with a book)

Dave: That was worse than any cowbell.
Ron: Really? Worse than this? [cowbell clang] [second cowbell clang]

[TonyBagels]

(from Monday)

Earl, here's two things I need: Fez back and you to stop lying.

[TonyBagels]

(from Monday)

Ron:It'd be like me telling Dave and BxJOhnny to pretend like they're taking you out to a restaurant and then cut your throat. Would you think that's fair, Earl?
Earl: No, not at all.
Ron: I think it's the fairest thing of all.

[TonyBagels]

(from Monday)

Earl, you want your nickname to be Dr Death, for the death of the show?

[TonyBagels]

(earlier in the week)

By the way, since Fez's been gone, everyone's really stepped it up, except for Dave & Earl. :haha7: :haha7: :haha7:

[TonyBagels]

Caller: I raise turkeys and they can fly 30' into tress and atop buildings, so Dave's an idiot.

Ron: Well, Dave's an idiot regardless of the turkeys

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, nothing went well for you on this trip to the hospital. Next heart attack, you're not going

[mikek]

That's it for R&F. Coming up next, R&F. From three. Hours. Ago.

All R&F, all the time.

This is like what that [pot brownie] cop was feeling.

fucking withering, ronnie

[Polack]

Caller : Those shoes are great , they're an investment !

Ron : What guy calls in to talk about shoes, did you have to spit the cum out first?


:clap: :clap: :clap: I was fucking rolling when I heard that. I love when he slams stupid callers.

[OnANorton]

A try at line of the day. (a few days ago sorry) (http://www.supload.com/listen?s=S4EH0oJXQKX)

[Digital_Trauma]

Ron: If you really want men to look at you, you'd wear something with your vagina showing

[TonyBagels]

(FM)

Fez: There's a few things in this city that I don't trust.
Ron: Me too, but Earl's here so I can't say.

[jagsfans]

When talking about the gap on the subway. On FREE FM

Caller: One time my brother fell into a gap

Ronnie: Yours?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Yeah Ronnie I hate the fucking Eagles, I hate the Sixers, I hate the Flyers, I hate the Phillies, fuck the Liberty Bell and fuck Ben Franklin too
Ron: Yeah..uhh, Bill Burr does that act...but with humor

[Spaulding01]

*Listening to Chicago - Colour My World*

Ron: I don't know if something can sound plaid, but if so, this is it.

*modedit* Great first post! :clap:

[TonyBagels]

(to Paul-O)

Ever get mad at Melli and yell, "Your next!"

[VIGGEN]

Ronnie, "You there Paul O? Did we lose you?"

Paul O, "No I'm here, I've been saying Can/Canne"

Ronnie, "Ohh I thought you were off killing another wife."

[VIGGEN]

"Yeah well I've got two radio shows, one of them is on 24 hours a day."

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
I thought your Mom's cake was run of the mill, very run of the mill.

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
The loss of innocence doesn't usually come in the 20's

[cozzie]

funny reading these, without listening and trying to figure out what's going on. Can you guys quote the whole show for us?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: How about we make it even, lights out boxing?
Ron: No, it's gotta be lights on boxing...Dave would glow in a fucking coal mine

[Stephen_M]

Listening to the beginning of Chicago's "Color My World"

"Sounds like a cat running back and forth on the piano."

[Garyisajoke]

funny reading these, without listening and trying to figure out what's going on. Can you guys quote the whole show for us?

TonyBagels and Jimmy's do so many it's nearly at that point. Good job, boys. :clap: :clap: :clap:

[dbrian56]

Caller: How about we make it even, lights out boxing?
Ron: No, it's gotta be lights on boxing...Dave would glow in a fucking coal mine

Holy fuck, that line was quick and clever.

[TonyBagels]

(from yesterday XM, about Dave's Handilift (Mr Doug's Co.) Tee)

It looks like you want to give people handies.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: How about if they crossed Earl with a radio producer, that may just work!
Earl: Oh yeah, why don't you get crossed with someone with a cock you cocksucking motherfucker
Ron: Jesus Earl, what's wrong with you? How big of a cock do you need that man to have?


Caller: If you could kick to death any animal-human hybrid what would it be?
Ron: I think I'd be able to take that Indian god who's half elephant, half human with all those arms
Fez: Gadesh?
Ron: ....God bless you. You know Fez, you came back way too early...you've got a terrible cold


Ron: Are there any bugs that aren't disgusting?
ESD: I think spiders aren't disgusting?
Ron: Are you serious? You don't think spiders are disgusting?
ESD: No, I think they're very clean and neat
Ron: I think spiders are disgusting and their legs are just creepy. They have all that web...it's like using your cum to catch someone

[goldenbunz]

Ron,

I see no differance in seat belt checks and stoping someone to check their cholesterol.

[alclark]

(FM)

"You know where New York is? Look in the shadow of that, and thats where New Jersey is."

[Ffejtech]

I am not sure if I have the exact right quote, but today, Paul O. talking about Gail said
Paul-" I blame XM "
Ron- "Yeah, everbody is, for whatever reason...."

[Polack]

I am not sure if I have the exact right quote, but today, Paul O. talking about Gail said
Paul-" I blame XM "
Ron- "Yeah, everbody is, for whatever reason...."


Great first post sir.:clap: :clap:

[O&A_Fan]

Caller: How about we make it even, lights out boxing?
Ron: No, it's gotta be lights on boxing...Dave would glow in a fucking coal mine

:clap: :clap: :clap:

That was freaking genius. And so true. Gotta love the red headed guy!

[hammersavage]

"Fez: Gadesh?
Ron: ....God bless you. You know Fez, you came back way too early...you've got a terrible cold..."

That line made me laugh so fuckin hard. It was just such a quick, throwaway bit but that's something that will stick with me and make me giggle.

[peez_howd]

I know we've had bits and pieces but I believe this is the full quote:

"That's it for us, we'll be back tomorrow right after Ron & Fez...Coming up next it's Ron & Fez...Stay tuned later for Ron & Fez...Lot of Ron & Fez on this station...a little too much for my taste..."

(As Satellite of Love plays)

Get ready to hear this song 8 times a day.

[mikek]

Ron has incredible comedic talent, but he's also been through some shit (of which he eludes to in the show)
As have you, sir. Failing spelling class must've been humiliating.

[trar911]

from freefm:
"...well, I've got 2 radio shows and one of them is on 24 hours a day"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about talented brothers...
Caller: What about the Belushi's?
Ron: The problem is that Jim's one of them...


Ron: If you're just tuning in now, first of all I gotta ask why, secondly, Fezzie's out sick today...

Ron: If he was a horse, I'd have to shoot him by now

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Dave are you on Mafialife".
ESD: "No I do other things, fantasy baseball".
Ron: "Is that where you jerk off and think about Jeter".

[jimmyolsenblues]

topic: foreman vs ali
Ron: "I'd pay $50 to see that, foreman will kick the shit out of shaky."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Set it up! One more match, no drugs, Foreman kicks the shit out of Ali
ESD: What are you mean? Ali is still the greatest
Ron: I'd pay $50 to see that, Foreman will kick the shit out of Shakey

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: The Best Of will have the time where Fez ate ants
Ron: Fez ate ants? I don't remember hearing about this ever...I knew Fez ate uncles, but not aunts


Ron: So I guess the suspension is over?
Earl: Um, unfortunately no
Ron: Then fix the best ofs until it is...

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I guess the suspension is over?
Earl: No
Ron: Then fix the best of's till they come back

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I want you both to wear "I fucked Ron" shirts".

[LiddyRules]

*On Gun Control* "I don't give a shit."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Well most of the time we'd have the dog fights out in the country...not quite on farms, but just hwere the houses are out there
Ron: Yeah, that's the sticks honey...or what we call, Jersey

ESD: No, we want Johnny Cash...I have some debts I've accrued recently
Ron: Bar tabs?
ESD: Well, yeah. And I've also made some other unwise decisions...
Ron: Like getting married?

[LiddyRules]

"A musical! That's going to blow the shit out of that stupid luau."

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "This is a song you cleaned your pot to".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'd introduce him like, "Dave's gay brother would like to make a speech now.." [over-the-top-Fez-gay-voice] HEeeeLLooOOOOoo everyone!


ESD Sings...
Ron: Maybe a little deeper...like a man sings

[MilkmanDan]

( Dave Singing Paul McCartney very high pitched )

Ron : Maybe a little deeper, like a man would sing.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Well everything they say is really pussy. I mean, they call soda "pop"
Ron: So are you. I mean you're from Jersey
ESD: Yeah...well takes one to know one
Ron: .....................I really need Fez back here.
ESD: Why?
Ron: So I don't have fucking lines like "takes one to know one" go out over the air

[Arch Stanton]

Where ar ya callin' from? Mississippi....OHHHH, I see....

[little e]

Talking about if you had to have sex with an animal after Earl chose Panda..

Ron: All this is bottom, that's why I choose chipmunk.

[RMPGP]

"this is why.... some people don't get ahead"

"he had 300K, he left with 5 grand, that I know he turned into lottery tickets..."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

From FM

Ron: How long have you known this chick?
ESD: 3 months!
Ron: Nothing like rushing into a mistake...
ESD: Well I don't think we're rushing into anything
Ron: I don't think there is such a thing as rushing into a mistake...a mistake is a mistake



Ron: My first marriage lasted about...just about a year! And then it ended
ESD: What happened?
Ron: She came home early! She came home in the middle of the day...in what I like to call "Afternoon Date time!" If she had called ahead, the date would have ended quickly and hey, maybe I'm even in a drying mood!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

during a conversation on the greatest NYC Sports Moments

Caller: Well I've got one, and there's great footage of it...the New York Knights, when Roy Hobbs hit that homerun, up into the lights....
Ron: Yeah, whenever I saw Roy Hobbs I would always say, "There goes the greatest ever." Never liked the woman in his life...I always thought he was with a skank


Ron: Lilly, what were you doing wearing that stupid hat? Getting over Jivan?

[KickToTheUterus]

*listening to color my world*

class of 72, this is it, this is the last song, this is your prom

[jobson]

After caller makes it very clear that he is not any kind of liberal or peta person

Ron: So where you going now?? An AIDS march

[jobson]

Blowhard: I don't think they should have the DH in the American League

Ron: ya, well you never wanted the PR

Blowhard: Who's the PR??

Ron: The Puerto Rican

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ronnie, I know the cure to your stress and problems. Cocktails
Ron: You know what, I think you're right. I think I'm going to take the A out of AA. I'm going to just stick with the alcoholic part. I think I'm going to be a public alcoholic...just be one of those guys walking around in the streets yelling at cars


Ron: GET ME FLATHEAD! CALL HIM UP RIGHT NOW! His number is 1-800-White-Avenger!


Caller: Ron if you had to kill one person on the show to save Fezzie and the show, who would it be?
Ron: Earl.
ESD: Yessssss
Ron: And then Dave. And Pitzy. And then I'd kill Lilly slowly
ESD: Why would you kill her slowly?
Ron: I've got my own problems....


ESD: We're gonna get through this...
Ron: Yeah, me and Jack
ESD: No, no alcohol
Ron: It's the Ron & Jack show...866-Ron-0-Jack, 866-Ron-0-Jack

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : I can't stand this anymore. It's gonna be the Ron and Jack Daniels show, 866-Ron-0-Jak, 866-Ron-0-Jak

[Hidden_Rage]

Ron : Dave drinks like a fucking protestant woman would

[Danesy]

Ron to Dave: "I can't believe that this is where my career has taken me, that I am sitting across from you"

[Danesy]

Ron to Dave & Earl: "Why don't you two sit over there and be the obvious twins."

[Danesy]

Hard Rock Johnny "I'm here for ya Ronnie"
Ronnie B - "well you own a bar.... so you're gonna be"

[TonyBagels]

(about old AFRO shows)

THere's not even an 'e', all you're doing is pulling the 'r' down.

[monkeyjuice]

Ron to Dave: You are everything that is wrong with my life

[Danesy]

Ron: "What coloreds are goin' to be there... Earl +2?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh and I got a beautiful e-mail from Angelfuck...and I was right, she is perfect. I think she's going to now be your Maid of Honor
ESD: Weeelll...I dunno about that
Ron: That means your best man is going to be Balzac! And he's always up for fun


ESD: Ron, we're gonna get through this
Ron: No. There is no "we" here. Dave you are my problem...you are everything that is wrong with my life. I used to be known for AFRO shows...now it's just an R show. And you two are making it a little R at that


ESD: Don already has colors picked out! They're gonna be colors there...
Ron: What coloreds are gonna be there? Earl +2?

[flyerfan116]

talking about Dave's weekly boxing matches as a teen

Just because you didn't cum doesn't make it not sexual

[TonyBagels]

(after hitting Dave with cowbells)
You know what, I really like the idea of nonstop deicide until the suspension is over.

((about the cowbell hurting)
It probably hurts because it's made of metal.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

damnit Tony...

ESD: I can't have a woman as by best man!
Ron: Why not? It's two women getting married


Ron: Can't you find any whores?
Caller: Well it's not as easy as that--
Ron: HOOKERS DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

Ron: No man, it's alright. Just got visit her in the office and kiss her on the cum-mouth

[Arch Stanton]

Your tellin' me Luke is written on somebody's Ball Sack.....

I never fell for that Bible Study thing.


( BTW, 05/23/07 Everyword Ron states could be in this thread)

[LiddyRules]

*On American Idol's Blake* "Who's going to write a beat boxing song? The only thing this kid could do is go be in Police Academy 12."

[Hidden_Rage]

Ron : Trigger, you're on Ron and Fez
Ron: Earl, don't look at me that way I said "Trigger"

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)
You're afraid of clowns? Clown wedding. Why don't we have a fuckin' clown marry you.

[TonyBagels]

You know what, I'll just have the nurse put him up to the phone and have the monitor go over...beep, beep, beep, beep


:haha7: :haha7: :haha7: :haha7:

[TonyBagels]

Caller: Hey Ron, why does the mythical caller have to be a male. Why can't it be a female?
Ron: Oh, 'cause the mythical caller was gonna be funny.

[Angelfuck]

Ron: Oh and I got a lovely e-mail from Angelfuck...and I was serious about, you are perfect.
...maybe, maybe she replaces frenchy and she's your maid of honor
ESD: Weeelll...I dunno about that
Ron: That means your best man is going to be Balzac!
ESD: Well I don't have a problem with Balzac...
Ron: He's the greatest man, and he's always up for fun

editted for accuracy.. I dont know whether to be happy or sad, fuck it, Im happy :icon_mrgr

[cancerwig]

"It's the Ron & Jack Show. 866-RON-0-JACK, 866-RON-0-JACK."

[Ffejtech]

"I don't have a producer, I have a soccer ball! Wilson is my producer!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I could never let anyone hit my daughter. If I did, I could never live it down...I'd honestly be punching the kid in the face and head until my daughter would be like, 'Dad...he's been dead for 2 hours.'

[Phillysue35]

Ron: Take the A out of AA (alcoholics anonymous)…and just be alcoholics



I'm sure I botched this....It's hard to remember when you're laughing so hard!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after talking to Sheepy:

Ron: Ahh...sometimes it's like we adopted a stillborn. He's so cute

Ron: Oh God I hope Fezzie comes out of this coma. I went to go see him yesterday, I was talking to him and touching him and then I said, "Wait, this isn't Fez, this is a plant."

Ron: I wanted those mullet-headed bastards to go all the way....I hate Toronto...I hate Canada...I hate everything about them

[flyerfan116]

Ron: hey your on the ron and fez show whats going on buddy
Caller: ehh another bad bad day
Ron: why what happened


miss freefm ron & fez

fuck didn't realize it was Rage bitching about his problems again..thought he was talking about the radio problems

[Klepto]

"That's why guys used to have harems....they couldn't let go...just go down the hall 1-2 doors, maybe I'll stop by for a blowjob in a coupla months"

[TonyBagels]

(to BxJ about girls with many piercing on her face)
You like a girl with tackle on her face?

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave)
I'm tired of this show being about your wedding.

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave's Mom's Cake)

that was like sawdust and icing

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday XM, to Dave about the pics of him making out with ET)

That's not making oout, it looks like sister kissing

[Arch Stanton]

I hate the left and I hate the right in this Country.

[LiddyRules]

(as Lily on Fuse)

"Here's The Strokes and I'm attractive."