Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[MilkmanDan]

Earl: Cause my Mom would always...
Ron: Blow you?

And there it is ... #3000. :icon_surp

-----

Ron on Earls lack of sex drive: Earl you're gonna wait until you get your education finished, you took 17 years off from College and Women.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Rooster: Earl, you don't like the fact that we call you Asexual, you said that you don't like the term cause it's too cold.
Ron: Nofucky! That's what we'll call you


Ron: When you came did it look like powdered milk? <POOF!!> Ahh, Monty Burns finally came


Ron: You know what scares me most about women? That they won't get the abortion when I tell them to!!

[Arch Stanton]

Fez:

What are you afraid of about women?

Ron:

That they won't listen to me when I tell them to get an Abortion

[TonyBagels]

8-1 about draft dodgers living in Canada

I'd rather slug it out with Charlie rather than spend a winter up there.

[TonyBagels]

8-1

Ron: What do you plan on talking about with your shrink today, Fezzie? You got any idea yet?
Fez: I’m not sure yet…usually something goes wrong that day…That’ll give me a nice starting point as I go into the life coach’s office.
Ron: So, right now, you’ve got no problems? Nothing bothering you at all?
Fez: No, not really. It’s just {cowbell} OW! Why would you hit me with a cowbell?
Ron: Don’t ask me, ask your shrink.

[TonyBagels]

8-1 (as A-girl cam’s up)

Fez: (talking about jumpers on the Golden Gate Bridge)
Ron: Ahh, she cam’ed up. Pretty little smoker. Thank you. ‘Makes the whole day better. What were you saying? Last thing I heard was, “blah blah blah yap yap yap who cares who cares”

[TonyBagels]

8-1 (about suicide)

Somehow, they’re much more sensitive than the rest of us. I’M SENSITIVE TOO! I’VE JUST GOT SOMETHING TO DO NEXT WEEK! Don’t act like you’re better than me, that somehow you feel more than me because you killed yourself. I’VE GOT A SCHEDULE TO KEEP!....Don’t you think even depression itself, is that same thing. That somehow, I’m too sensitive for the world. And all the rest of you..it’s almost like it’s too inside. It’s all about you and not anything you could be doing. How about this? How about instead of being depressed, you go out and collect some money for poor people. You go out and help out a soup kitchen. And stop worrying about you and your fucked up problems.

[LiddyRules]

"I believe all dogs go to heaven and they'll be catching frisbees from Jesus."

"Every animal is beautiful and special. They are better than immigrants or mentally disabled kids, or kids in wheel chairs. My focus is on animals and not **** victims which if a lot of them didn't dress that way it wouldn't have happened."

"I just remember what Jesus said: 'Animals are better than people.'"

[Picklestyle]

Ron: I'd rather eat people next to vegetables...

[KNUCKLEUP]

“I just remember what Jesus said, ‘animals are better than people.’”

“You stay away from Tweey McBeekums!”

[Picklestyle]

Ron:
Dont just burn the tickets, burn the stadium, then atlanta and march to the sea!

Ron is on fire today. Gonna be a good show.

[Picklestyle]

Ron: Earl did you run a batch last night.
Earl: No.
Ron: When was the last time you did?
Earl: The other night?
Ron: what did you think about?
Earl: Sex?
Ron: LIAR!

[KNUCKLEUP]

I like to go to the orphanage and do jokes, and the joke is "hey kids, you don't have a mom."

[Arch Stanton]

Even though I didn't kill the dogs, I just wanted to play football

[Arch Stanton]

I like to go to the orphanage and do jokes, and the joke is "hey kids, you don't have a mom."

Keep 'em coming!!! Welcome!

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I remember what Jesus said, "Animals are better than people".
[under breath] "I hope this working"
"I understand Christmas now"

Line of the year. Ron = God

[Arch Stanton]

As per Tony:

Ron: I am just glad that the VA Tech killer didn't go to a Dog Pound and shoot that up

[KNUCKLEUP]

"come in and sit down darlin.

i will give this out for htg and mike aka,

you hair looks like shit today."

[Arch Stanton]

God, I wish casey was on the show and not you Dave

[KNUCKLEUP]

"oooooooh'n ayyyye! they're funny, yah!?"

[Arch Stanton]

To caller:
I'm gonna say dahgo instead of Daygo...why get people mad

[KNUCKLEUP]

"superbad--supergood! see you at oscar! a-geh-geh-gehhh..."

[Midnight Rider]

About the book:

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

About the book:

Ron: You know, all kidding aside...this makes Norton's book look like a piece of shit!



EDIT: Okay okay, I'll put 1 line per post :icon_redf :D

[MilkmanDan]

Ron about the LOTD book

Ron - All Kidding aside, this makes Nortons book look like Shit.

[Awful Me]

Ron:

Liddy really does Rule

[njpete]

Ron on the LotD book:

One night I'll sit and read this and give you the audio book, Fez.

[Dr. Hoffman]

Ron, regarding Earl's great job at bring food in today;

"It's called airies, you sit in there and suck down fucking air all day."

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ron Bennington's Lotd Needs To Be A Sticky.

!!

[Dr. Hoffman]

"I just checked it on Drudge and...London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh wow...it's up on Drudge, another one is down. London Bridge is falling down...falling down...falling down. London Bridge is falling down...my fair lady

edit: damnit Homan!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: How'd you get to be executive producer? Lying? Or was it an Opie joke?

[bigpappasmurf]

This gem just appeared:

Dave: I don't need your fucking mayonnaise shoved down my throat
Ron: That's cum.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Have you seen Kathy Griffin? She's got a smokin' body!!
Ron: If you think that Scott, ya know what you might be in the mood for? COCK!!!

[cozzie]

I missed the show today but I remmber one day reading the entire thread, when it was around 1200-1300 posts , and I laughed my ass off. Some situations I remembered and got the line , others I didn't know the situation and still got the line. Best thread ever , keep up the good work and I definately want a book if it is produced.

[Ronreddog]

I was just listening to the show, and heard about this thread! CONGRATS WACKBAGGERS!!!

[Jimmy's Junk]

Everytime I go to post a lotd one of you guys has already posted it. Sucks not being able to post during work (heavy equiptment operator). I was going to post Rons line about "dogs catching frizbees from Jesus" but Liddy already got it. Great job with the book.

[FuzzyScrote]

this precedes the thread but..
im fukkin furiorios at those 9 year olds

[LectrickShockOJ]

on sandwiches...


Ron: You can't fit a hoagie into a lunchbox?

Dave: No!

Ron: You didn't go to my school. There kids would be taking them out whole.

Dave: How big were their lunchboxes?

Ron: We didn't have 'em. We had brown paperbags. If you had a lunchbox,
the other kids would take it from you and beat you with it.

again, on sandwiches...


Dave: Let's be specific here.

Ron: I am, that's why I'm using a fucking dictionary!

last time, on sandwiches...

Fez: Have you ever had a weird sandwich combo, like you put something on there that usually woouldn't?

Ron: No Fezzie, I've never smoked pot in my life.::hammer::arrrh:

[palefishbelly]

On Saint Christopher:

"You might as well wear a Grinch around your neck, cuz its not even real."

[MilkmanDan]

On Gods and Jesus.

Ron : The Jewish God isnt the same as the Christian, he's strange. No kids.

Fez : Full of anger

Ron : Impotent

[TonyBagels]

"I believe all dogs go to heaven and they'll be catching frisbees from Jesus."

"Every animal is beautiful and special. They are better than immigrants or mentally disabled kids, or kids in wheel chairs. My focus is on animals and not **** victims which if a lot of them didn't dress that way it wouldn't have happened."

"I just remember what Jesus said: 'Animals are better than people.'"

Well done, Liddy. Hell of a job on the fly. Here's the rest from Friday, about giving away a dog in response to the Vick situation:


All dogs go to heaven. Those dogs that Michael Vick killed are catching frisbees from Jesus...There's nothing better than an animal, and I'm not just talking about between two slices of bread...Every animal out there is precious & beautiful; and I think they're better than immigrants, or mentally disabled kids, or kids in wheelchairs. My focus from this point on is animals and not just **** victims, which if a lot of didn't dress that way probably would have never happened. But you mother should have told you, if you dress like a whore, what are the boys gonna treat you like? Gonna use a bad word here..who-ah. So let's try to find Scruffy a home, by 3:00, or else we'll have to put him down; humanely, like my lunch was put down, humanely.

[TonyBagels]

from 8-1

Fez: You'll get a copy of Pearl Jam's boxset...from Rhino...
Ron: Unfortunately, you'll have to listen to it.

[filthgrinder]

From Friday while talking about the dog fighting

Caller: Don't you think this whole situation would be different if he was fighting a crocodile vs a panda
Ron: I'd root for the panda, I'm against crocodiles. First off, they kill Lost Boys. They are on Hook's team and not ours.

[TonyBagels]

As per Tony:

Ron: I am just glad that the VA Tech killer didn't go to a Dog Pound and shoot that up

Here's the whole thing -

Caller: Hey Ron, I'm a little concerned. I was upset at the kids that got killed at Virgina Tech, but I just realized that Michael Vick went there and played for their football team. So should I not feel bad about that anymore?
Ron: You know, I gotta tell you the truth there. As bad as I felt about what happened at that school, for me it would have been worse if somebody broke into a dog pound and started shooting, 'cause dogs are innocent.

[TonyBagels]

continuing the Scruffy talk

Ron: They're all fantastic. Every dog is precious. Every dog is a precious blessing from God. And I mean the Christian God, not the earlier Jewish God. The one that turned out not to be good 'cause he couldn't have kids the way the Christian GOd could. I guess there's something wrong with the Jewish God.
Fez: Something. Yeah vengeful. Angry all the time.
Ron: Impotent. He couldn't have a child the way the CHristian God coul.
Fez: That's why he wanted Abraham to get rid of his.
Ron: Earl, do me a favor. I want you take Scruffy out to the park. Let him chase you.
Earl: Will he bite me?
Fez: Just like the good old days, the 60's.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It'd be great is someone caught the Bonds ball, took their cock out and just pissed all over it. "Here, this is what I think of you and your record..."

[Standby]

Ron: Now you can't be the Asexual Monkees. You're more like the Asexual Grand Funk Railroad. Just a power trio...

Ron: And when Nico leaves, you'll be the Asexual Simon & Garfunkel. And Fez... take Simon...

[Standby]

Ron: I'm putting together a book signing.
Fez: Book signing? There's only one book!
Ron: I know, and I'm gonna sign it. So if anyone wants to come by and watch me sign it...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know where that Line of the Day book is?
Fez: Where?
Ron: It's in my bookshelf. I got Vonnegut, Keroac...and I slip the Bennington book right inbetween!

[BillyLiar]

You know, the one thing do I like about Bonds, is that he thinks baseball is shit, and people who play it are stupid, and people who pay to see it are even dumber.

[mikeybot]

Fez: Brett Ratner was talking about his first blow job
Ron: Who'd he give it to?

[nutjobs]

About bonds' record tying HR

Earl:It was on ESPN 2
Ron:It should be called ESPN also

[Awful Me]

Ron on Earl:

You are fuckin Stalker Blackie with your timing.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Your best chance to bang Vinny Cooper is when your dick is next to a beer...

[Hidden_Rage]

Ron: What's going to happen when Jesus comes back to save us?
Shirley: Jesus is going to save the people who follow us
Ron: Only the White people

[watsonnostaw]

about Lily's dating habits with people associated with the show

Lily: Its not my fault that these boys are kinda girly and have pussy-ish feelings

Ron: I can't fight with you there

[goldenbunz]

Dave: Husband and wife should be best friends.

Ron: Unless the husband is a shit eating asshole.

[goldenbunz]

Ron talking to Earl: I have something i want to call you, but off the air. So Sharpton doesn't get a tape.

[goldenbunz]

Ron talking to Shirley about Jesus coming back:


Ron: But this time we have nukes

Shirley: are you thinking about nuking Jesus?

Ron: if we have to

[goldenbunz]

Shirley: Have you ever heard of the Lawrence Law? It’s a law says you can no longer make a law against sadamie.


Fez: big day for Lawrence

Ron(with out skipping a beat): and Fez.

[goldenbunz]

Shirley singing with her family

Shirley: how was that?

Ron: I got wood.

[goldenbunz]

Dave and Ron talking about Jonafins nick name.

Ron: Did Casey ever tell you the nick name for his penis?

Dave: No

Ron: I bet it’s Fin

[KOTT]

shirley phelps says something about jesus coming back to kill people

ron: "yeah, but we've got nukes"

[BaLZaC~308]

while talking about who fez couldn't stand.

Kev slider - is it angelfuck

Ron - Fez if you say it's angelfuck I am gonna jump over this console and beat the shit out of you

[BaLZaC~308]

edit: "if thats even true, Fez, I will come over this table and whip your ass, because she is the sweetest"

[Dr. Hoffman]

Ron: "You're my what?"
Earl: "Producer"
Ron: "Are you?"

[mikeybot]

Ron: "You're from San Francisco, you don't care about anything but cock"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Look, I live out in San Francisco and no one gives a shit about Bonds breaking the record
Ron: Of course no one does, you live in San Francisco! The only thing you guys care about is COCK!! If it's not cumming in your face, you guys don't give a shit!

[Dr. Hoffman]

"There seems to be a male orgy in this fucking place before the show starts".

Ronny asking Earl what goes on before the show.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Fuck you FuckBall".

[stevethrower]

From yesterday:

Caller: "Don't forget godhatesfez.com"
Fez: "Heeeey that is godhatesfags.com"
Ron: "Same thing."

[UsedLadBag]

About a resteraunt being BYOB
ESD: "In my defense..."
Ron: "In your defense you ate shit."

BTW Ronnie had a gem at ~1:20ish EST today. By the time I got the comp up, I forgot it. Look for it on the replay/torrents

[Farm Flufer]

From yesterday's show while talking about Lily having "Clinton sex" with Than

Fez: what's the definition of is?
Ron: jiz
Fez: oh

[Angelfuck]

talking about Mount Rushmore:

Ron: I've been there and its fabulous! I don't fall for the whole, "hey look there's a virgin mary in a grilled cheese" but when you see, how much that mountain looks like Lincoln at one spot, you'll blow your shit away.
Fez: that was carved... stonecutters did that
Ron: surrre Fezzie, stonecutters from outer space
Fez: no, in South Dakota
Ron: crazy bastard

[Slow Bollards]

About Led Zeppelin...

"I dunno, I'm not into wizard rock."

Thanks, Ronnie, that was a good LOL.

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Shirley Phelps Roper:

"I don't know what it is, but every time we interview her, I just want to fuck her in front of her children."

[Wilmington WOW]

the girls will be at the slumber party
lying in their beds beaver to beaver
praticing kissing each other

[KNUCKLEUP]

"So your line will be, "Uncle Ronnie, you're drinking, what are you doing in here? And we'll go from there."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dave: I'm gonna say vagina is #1...and I'm gonna shock you and say the ass is #2!
Ron: Yeah. Look how shocked I am. But for women...noooooooooo. I don't know any women who are like, "Hey throw it in my ass tonight. I could go for some ass work, that's what reaaaally gets me off

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Every time we do an interview with Sherrie Phelps Roeper , I want to fuck her in front of her kids. I am not a pedophile but there is something so sexy about crazy daughters."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron (to Lilly's cousin): Honey, how old do you think the oldest guy who's hit on you was?
Cousin: Umm...I dunno. [Hemming and hawing until Lilly chimes in with "probably 38"]
Ron: Good news, you're gonna set a new record today!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So we play a game in here all the time where we give eachother hickeys
Fez: We do??
Ron: So what we're gonna do is we're gonna play something a little different...we're gonna do lights-out hickeys. Lights-out, blindfolded hickeys
Lilly: So you don't know who it is?
Ron: Or what it is. "Here, this is my elbow, give me a hickey!!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We're gonna take some pictures...because I'm in fashion too
Fez: You are?
Ron: Shut up! I'm in fashion...Under-roos. We're gonna do a photoshoot of Under-roos & garden hoses

[thelord68]

Fez: (about Joey Fatone) He's another NSync-er. The chubby one.
Lily's cousin: ...Dancing with the Stars.
Ron: None of this means anything to me. It's like you're saying "jibber jabber, jibber jabber... I'm 14 and hot ... jibber jabber."

[MilkmanDan]

Ron on Shy Girls....

Ron - I love shy girls, they're like "I don't know what to do..." and it brings out the predator in me

[Standby]

"I don't trust shy people, or anyone in the Central time zone."

[commish13]

PITZ: Earl had his hour like 2 years ago.

RON: And that fuckin' ate the ass.

[Dr. Hoffman]

Dave: "If you use your right hand it feels like another person doing it."

Ron: "Yeah, a clumsy person."

[goldenbunz]

Dave: I'm a south paw, but if I use my right hand it feels like a differant person.

Ron: Yeah a clumsy person.

[KMcJoseph]

Ron: "The best chance of banging Vinnie Cooper is when you have your dick next to a beer!"

[RENFIELD]

to lilly's hot 14 year old cousin....

we do this all the time in here...
where we put on pajamas and jump up and down on the bed
while i take pictures..

should we do that today

fez says.... we do ?

ron says....' pajama party picture show' with uncle ronnie ?

[Landblast]

on being jealous that kangaroos have pouches

...tell me when your at the beach, you don't wish you had a skin pocket...

[slutbunwallah01]

I could watch that show for about twelve minutes, then I needed a napkin.

[MinusBlindfold]

about Earl buying lunch at a nearby burger joint:

"Let me know how many lunches you're getting. I might want three; One to eat and two to throw out."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Do you need to get something removed?
Frenchy: I don't know...
Ron: If I were you, you know what I'd get removed first? MafiaLife Chris.

[Dr. Hoffman]

"You will burst yourself from not taking a piss, that's how much piss his bladder holds."

Talking about Fezzy's bladder

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It'd be like living next to a Mountain. "Hey look, that mountain's still there." That's what you are Earl, you're Mount Stupid!

[Dr. Hoffman]

"To bad you could have, my mouth is for pissing." (Said with a lisp)

Talking about a pornstar who would have let some dude piss in her mouth.

[moochcassidy]

BXJohnny in sexstravagansa- "shes probably one of the biggest cocksuckers in the business"

Ron- "and you mean that in a good way"

[KNUCKLEUP]

"...just call her a gross whore and push her.

i never did like you! now that my cock's out of your mouth!"

[Dr. Hoffman]

"Baby come here and take a snowball, take a snowball for your mamma, your 38, you too old for a snowball from your mamma?"

[goldenbunz]

Ron and Johnny talking:

Johnny: I want my wife to blow me but I don't want her kissing my kids.

Ron: Earl you don't agree with that do you?

Earl: Not at all.

Ron: So you'd love to get a kiss from your mom's cum lips?

[Dr. Hoffman]

"Earl come here and give your mamma a kiss, but on the asshole. It's the only clean place I got today."

[KNUCKLEUP]

Bronx Johnny: (laughing) "I was picturing you in blackface"

Ronnie: "You don't have to picture me, I'll come in like that"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: If we're gonna do that, it's gotta be on the O&A show. We're gonna need 6 guys...
Fez: I guess it'll have to be interns
ESD: That's alright. Young cum is the best!
Ron: That's why you're despised.

[KNUCKLEUP]

ESD: "I used to call my radio show the Rock and Roll Bonanza"

Ronnie: "Why didn't you call it the Red-headed Retards?"

[KNUCKLEUP]

"The only thing I have in common with Malcolm X is that I hate white people."

[goldenbunz]

Ron: The only thing I have in commom with Malcome X is I despise white people.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

"The only thing I have in common with Malcolm X is that I hate white people."

Ron: I hate them least of all out of all ethnic groups...but they still get a failing grade

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Opie: Wait, East Side Dave's going to drink cum?
Ron: Yeah, that's why I want it to happen on your show...so I don't have to deal with it!

[goldenbunz]

Talking about Dave drinking his own cum.

Dave: it tasted a little salty

Ron: next time just rub it all over your face.

[goldenbunz]

Opie: We had no idea how big that staple was.

Ron: Maybe next time shoot it into a board first.

[goldenbunz]

Ron: All I heard was call a doctor, call a doctor, then me and my wife started packing up, saying here we go again.

[goldenbunz]

Ron: Sheepy

Dave: Yeah, I'd love to drink his cum

Ron: the only thing is it may take a while

[KNUCKLEUP]

"Would you like Big A's cum in there? Good news, it's not much and it stutters."

[goldenbunz]

Ron: The Ronnie B's cum is like Teddy Pendergrass, for the ladies only.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What about getting Balzac's cum?
ESD: Umm...no, he gives his cum enough to Angelfuck. That means she wouldn't get any of it
Ron: Yeah, but that's what I want...she'll be without it for the first time since she was a toddler! You gotta give it to Balzac...he's had her since she was like 3!

[slutbunwallah01]

On Koalas:

I'll put two between your fuckin eyes you little leaf eater.

[ScottFromGA]

"Would you like Big A's cum in there? Good news, it's not much and it stutters."

LINE OF THE FUCKING YEAR!

[mightymalachi]

Ronnie: I wish Opie would have given me an STD two years ago instead of Earl.

[Dr. Hoffman]

That didn't take long;

"I wish to god that Opie would have given me an STD two years ago, not Earl. I could have beat that thing with rugs."

Talking about how bad Earl is at his job.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And if a woman in the military gets pregnant by a guy in the military...that baby belongs to the army. He's what I call, a "lifer..."

[mikek]

I can't believe that Casey doesn't lie in bed every night, asking herself, "What have I done?".

[KMcJoseph]

Ron: "If I was an alien I would just be shouting 'I'm Jesus' as I was shooting my lasers...All the Christians would be like 'shoot me! shoot me!'"

[Triple Skeet]

Dave: "Im hoping shell come over to stay with me and Casey for awhile."
Ron: "Menage?"
Dave: "Heh heh...no."
Ron: "Why would a grown man say no?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So I see this woman get punched in her back by her 5 year old son as hard as he could. She's saying, "Joey, Joey please..." just trying to get him calmed down and he's screaming "I hate you! I hate you!" I wanted to walk up to this lady and say, "Please miss, just give me the reason and I'll kick this kid to death."

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Earl's ideal funeral:

"By New Orleans funeral, they think you mean Katrina"

[goldenbunz]

Ron: When Casey Dies I'm coming dressed as a dancin' Bear. When her dad ask's why I'm dressed like this I'm going to hand him a cd and say Dave told me to.

[goldenbunz]

Pitz: It weird getting a call from someone who you don't talk to very ofter at that hour, I thought something happened to Fez.

Ron: I wouldn't call you at 1:46am if my dick was on fire.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: I'd probably say, "at least I don't live on an island!"
ESD: Fatso
Ron: Did you just say Fatso? You fuck!

[goldenbunz]

Ron: I was trying to figure out all the hate mail we got when I said I didn’t care about dog fighting. Witch I completely flipped on a million percent and I care deeply about it and I’m exactly like you people now. But I think people go, humans are so jaded and they’ve been through so much that I no longer think that anything is good but a dog.

[goldenbunz]

Ron talking to a caller about cutting of body parts.

Caller: there are a bunch of websites out there right now they’re called Nullos. It guys who cut off their feet, cut off their dick and their fingers just to do something different

Ron: I think I might join them until we get to the dick. I might cut off a couple toes a couple of fingers but I’m going to keep my dick and I’m going to tell you why because I love using it so much.

[goldenbunz]

Ron: The first time I saw porn I was like 7 and it was a guy licking a girl’s tit. It seemed like crazy to me, like what the fuck would you do that for? And I thought that was fucking at first. I went home and thought wow that’s weird, but I think I can do it.

A little while later we get a little more hard core and I’m like he what? He’s pissing in her? I couldn’t think of any other reason. I guess you piss in them?

[Dr. Hoffman]

Ron: "When I see a guy tickling, I see it as a form of kiddy touching."

[mightymalachi]

Ron: "Dave, it sounds like you were two drinks away from being Jon Benet Ramsey."

[Standby]

Dave: They would pin me down with their legs on my arms.
Ron: That's no way to treat a girl...

[goldenbunz]

Beanie: He was sooo cute with his little red curls.

Ron: Yeah, he was a pretty girl.

[goldenbunz]

Ron talking about hooking up.

Ron: I always tell these guys it's a numbers game, you're going to have to go down on some pigs.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I will see you in cliche'ville". That is how I would talk if I did not have a brain".

[krisko]

Fez: do you need your bed situated a certain way to go to sleep?
Ron: yes, on the floor

[jimmyolsenblues]

[about Fez wearing out pillows]
Ron:"Thats cause your head is so big, your bed must feel like an Easter Island statue feel on it"

[Standby]

Ron (to Dave): Yeah, it's sad, you think you're a person.

[Standby]

Ron: And Nico... Nico what are you doing in here without a mask?
Nico: Mike (aka's plane went down in the Sea of Japan... there were no survivors...
*And that's the end of my show, DONK*
*Fade out w/ MASH music*

[Arch Stanton]

Now I am gonna be locked in on every Yankee game for the rest of the season

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: And Nico... Nico what are you doing in here without a mask?
Nico: Mike (aka's plane went down in the Sea of Japan... there were no survivors...
*And that's the end of my show, DONK*
*Fade out w/ MASH music*

Laughed my fool head off. Awesome

[TonyBagels]

(from 8-14)

Earl, hate to wake you up during the show.

[Standby]

Ron: Alright, time to say our favorite animals. Fez?
Fez: I like a monkey...
Ron: Okay... *cues Ani*

Ron: If I had a horse, I would name him Mighty, and I would just sing this to him... *cues Mighty Horse*

[Standby]

Alison: Seventy-eight, Seventy-nine...
Ron: She won't know this one...
Alison: Eighty, eighty-one...
Ron: Ah jeez...

[Standby]

Ron: Earl, what are you doing? You're hiding under a kids' pool. Like every episode of Cops...

[Cromwell]

Ron: "Dr. Dreamo's Tap House. Have our careers taken off or what? I can't wait to put that on our resume" :icon_mrgr

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Fez's sensitivity:

"I go over his house and he's eating a sandwich and watching a special on TV about famine in Africa.

[goldenbunz]

Ron: Earl do you really like the show and want to do what's best for the show?

Earl: Sure!

Ron: Then run back to O and A.

[Awful Me]

Ron on Crazy Jen's Haircut:

12 bucks?
Did anything hit you in the back on your way out?
That coulda been your change.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Crazy Jen tries to sing 'Roxanne'

Ronnie: "Let me guess, that's someone choking a dog to death."

[KNUCKLEUP]

"If I was pickles, I think the only way I'd be able to sleep was if I shot myself in the head."

[Awful Me]

Ron on Crazy Jen's eyebrows:

I've never seen eyebrows with a swastika in them

[MilkmanDan]

Ron to Crazy Jen - "You mean there's a downside to being a drunken whore? Kids get closer to your radio for this."

[Hidden_Rage]

Ron: Fez, pussy to you is a missing cock

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Crazy Jen: I've tried to get on every single reality show there is! Top Chef, America's Top Model...
Ron: Honey, you couldn't make it onto America's Top Model Airplane

[TonyBagels]

(from 8-15, further discussion about sleeping habits)

Fez:...Not to mention that I have to have a pillow between my legs.
Ron: A pillow,.. or a boy?

[TonyBagels]

Don't remember what day this was, either the 15th or 16th

(about thinking positively to a female caller talking about picturing positive things happening)

I'm positive I want to cum in your face.

[CoalShoveler]

Refering to Board Gossip

"I wish we were passing out poison Kool-Aid. I'd be pushing people to get to the front of the line."

[TonyBagels]

(after Dave finished)

That was the last board gossip, folks.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Crazy Jen: Ronnie, it's been a long way from being an ugly 19 year old!
Ron: To being an ugly 45 year old....

[KMcJoseph]

Dave: "I'll be your fodder."

Ron: "You know who's fault this is...your mudder."

[KMcJoseph]

Ron (impersonating Beanie): "Dave, pull down your panties, mommy hungry."

[KMcJoseph]

Ron talking about weddings:

"It's Chucky Cheese for adults."

[KMcJoseph]

Ron talking to Dave about going to the nut-hut with Fez.

Fez: "It would be nice to have a familiar face."
Ron: "On your cock."

[KMcJoseph]

Ron talking about stealing beer from a freight train in the middle of the night: "Your fucking adrenaline was running like you were already on meth...plus you were on meth!"

[KMcJoseph]

Dave: "I love liquids!"
Ron: "Cum?"

[martianvirus]

Ron talking about cock sucking "You can suck all the cock you want, just don't tell Fez".

[KMcJoseph]

Ron talking about Rudy Guiliani:

"He loves abortions."

[KMcJoseph]

Ron (talking about Anthony C. yelling at him from his car):

"...and I'm thinkin'. How weird is my life that famous people yell things at me as I'm going down the street?"

[KMcJoseph]

Fez: "It makes me wonder if I was a competitive eater, what would I specialize in?"

Ron: "Cock."

[KMcJoseph]

Ron: "I went on Craig's List lookin' for a hooker and just ended up getting a ten dollar bike...I guess the people were moving."

[Standby]

I feel like I'm cheating with this one, but I don't care...

(Unmasked taping, Fez is on stage with the pre-taping introduction)
Fez: And there WILL be a question and answer period, so when that time comes, if you have a question, go over to that microphone...
(Ron approaches the Q&A mic)
Ron: Yes, I have a question. Are you gay? Because I've read some things on some message boards...

[Arch Stanton]

I feel like I'm cheating with this one, but I don't care...

(Unmasked taping, Fez is on stage with the pre-taping introduction)
Fez: And there WILL be a question and answer period, so when that time comes, if you have a question, go over to that microphone...
(Ron approaches the Q&A mic)
Ron: Yes, I have a question. Are you gay? Because I've read some things on some message boards...

OMG!!! If this is cheating, I say cheat all you want! Awesome line.

[Endless Mike]

(to Earl)
Ron: you're so black you could bend time.

[Endless Mike]

caller: I'm half-German and half-Irish, so what does that make me?
Ron with the quickness: FAGGOT.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And the waiter gave me the check, because he's already met me...
Fez: Thaaaank you so much for picking up the bill
<CLANG!>
Ron: Never fuck with my wallet again!

[TonyBagels]

(about someone taking his cigar)

I used to think, 'What's the big deal about your miscarriage, you can have another.' And now I understand, you can never get it back. I WANT MY CIGAR BACK!!!

[BaLZaC~308]

Talking about Fred from Brooklyn

Ron: Besides Balzac I have never seen a message board guy with a hotter chick

[Angelfuck]

thats not funny in the least bit, except Ron dissing Redding :p now you're just being a plug whore :icon_coolI dont think babygirl and I should count, I bring balzac to events, actually tax usually drives so I guess he brings us, in any case, we're not messageboarder's chicks we're message boarders :p

ever get so high by yourself you try to pass it to someone who's not there?

I want MY cigars, Nurse Ratchet

[end scene]

[goldenbunz]

(from an old show, Tony Bagels fucking rules)

Ron: There’s nothing better then an animal, and I don’t mean between two slices of bread

[goldenbunz]

(from an old show, Tony Bagels fucking rules)

Ron talking about animals
Ron: I think they are better then immigrants or mentally disabled kids or kids in wheelchairs.

[watsonnostaw]

Ron's new name for Fez after Fez's fear in the back seat during the drive through the the "neighborhoods" in Washington DC: Bridgy Black Fear

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Yeaaa Teddy Roosevelt, what they would have poured concrete in the Grand Canyon, cause he invented a fence?"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Famous Town

(just the Ron Terminology is hilarious, who could not imagine the term Famous Town is not used in today's vernacular. )

[Standby]

(about John Mayer not returning any calls or emails)
Ron: What's that new album of his, Earl?
Earl: Uh... Continuum.
Ron: Alright I'm just gonna call it Higher Love.

[Friday]

Ron: "You Fuckin' Pong Beer Fuckin Friends!!"

i love this insult! wheeee

[TonyBagels]

(about beer games)

I don't need a game to drink beer. I never saw Steve McQueen or Lee Marvin need a cute game to drink.


As corrected by Stig:

"You don't see Steve McQueen and Lee Marvin playin' fucking beer games so they can drink!"

[TonyBagels]

(as Flock of Seagulls starts playing)

If fuckin' Girls on Film comes on, I'll be the happiest girl in the world

[Endless Mike]

on Earl:
Ron: I don't believe anything he saysss...

[peopleselbow]

In reference to Harry Truman - "He's on the Japanese dime."

[Endless Mike]

Are you Elvis, Fez? why don't you only go to amusement parks at 3 in the mornin...

[mikeybot]

"Speedball. Speedball. A speedball will make me feel better."
"You got heroin in my coke, you got coke in my heroin"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron - "If they seat me between the Coen brothers, just tell them to look ahead while I'm jacking off"

[TonyBagels]

(about Elvis liking the girls young)

He'd fuckin' fuck fetuses when he was 11.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: <as Elvis> "But there's hair down there...it should be just skin..."
<as Elvis's Momma> "Elvis stop fuckin the neighbors babies!!"
<as Elvis> "But Momma I need that baby pussy!"

[moochcassidy]

on Lisa Marie Presley

"Elvis with a pussy. Id make her sneer while she blew me"

[TonyBagels]

yesterday, about bad jobs


Caller: I wish I had your job.
Ron: You know what? I wish I had my job. I come in here some days and say, "I wish I did this job...
only better."

[Arch Stanton]

It is so tight, it is like fuckin' another guys penis

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: They can't get young enough or related enough for those guys down there

[TonyBagels]

Ron: "Yeaaa Teddy Roosevelt, what they would have poured concrete in the Grand Canyon, cause he invented a fence?"

I think it was along the lines of:

Oh, congratulations, you came up with a fence.

[TonyBagels]

In reference to Harry Truman - "He's on the Japanese dime."

(about Truman on money)

Fez: He wrapped up WWII.
Ron: Oh, so maybe he's on Japanese money then.
Fez: On one side and a mushroom cloud on the other.

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday, during Fez's Presidential Trivia)

Ron: Fez Whatley, the dumbest person in America.
Fez: I'm not the dumbest person..
Ron: Well, you're 0-2.

[Arch Stanton]

Tell's the story of Jerry Lee Lewis lighting his piano on fire!!!!


Follow Smoke!

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday, about money denominations)

I don't like to carry anything less than a 10. To me, the rest is fuckin' useless.

[TonyBagels]

(yesterday, about John Mayer not being on the show anymore)

The last thing he said to me was, "Too many pal-talk mentions."

[Arch Stanton]

I refuse to be graded. It's the only thing that keeps me from having the degree.

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
I would just love to shoot you in the neck with a fuckin' dart
Fez: OW!!!

[Arch Stanton]

I only talk to Fez on the air
Fez: It could be an emergency
Ron:
Exactly

[Jimmy's Dignity]

LiddyRules sends in an e-mail asking, "Do you think you could kill an entire small town in one night?"


Ron: But for the little kids, I'd probably just cut their throat.
Earl: Yeah I guess that makes sense
Ron: But I'd cut their Achilles tendon's first so they can't run away if they wake up

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: By the way, I'd also be doing this dressed like Elvis. Those people will think Jesus came back, they're always confusing those two

[LiddyRules]

I'd need to chase a kid up the stairs, at least let him think there's a chance of escape.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, Liddy's telling me I can use a friend...so I'd probably just come running up, all covered in blood and out of breath: "Fez, how many have you gotten?" <as Fez> "I can't get past the dog! I need you to help me!!" <as Ron> "Goddamnit Whatley! You haven't gotten anyone and the sun's coming up!! You still have to go and get the Mortons!!"

[TonyBagels]

I thought I needed antidepressants, but what I really think it is, I need a new staff.

[PittsburghEddie]

the clip after anything ending in "ger" - "white people are so scared..... of black people"

[Arch Stanton]

From Best of:

There is no hurt for a Man like a broken heart.

I have gone through two windshields and I would rather take that pop.

[Arch Stanton]

From Best of:
You grab her hit her in the head with a bag of nickles and enjoy yourself. What can I say, grew up in an Italian neighborhood

[Arch Stanton]

Flair Chop this guy in the larynx

[Natesac]

Ron: Nate, when you're meeting people for the first time... a bit of advice: Be cool.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Nate, when you're meeting people for the first time... a bit of advice: Be cool.

Classic. Instant Classic

[Hidden_Rage]

from the replay...



Fez: I have a fiance from Niagara Falls, we have hot sex
Ron: hot man sex?

[LiddyRules]

On Owen Wilson's Suicide: "I went to my little 3 1/2 year old nephew and said 'Lightening McQueen took a bucket of pills and slit his own wrists'"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

female Caller: I listen to your show all the time and feel like you're my hip, cool uncle
Ron: I'm more of a hip bad uncle...the one you want to be around, but never alone with

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I've got a Ghost Whisperer It blows! Great tits, glad Jay's working...but I can't get through an episode

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Well this team has no big men, the '92 Dream Team had David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, and Olajuwan all in their prime!
Ron: I'd say at least one of those guys never had a prime...and you know who I'm talking about Mr. Knickerbocker. Patrick Ewing...pheh! Why don't you invite him down and ask him to bring all of his championships...lets see how long it takes me to count to none

[TonyBagels]

I forgot what show this was about but I got a kick out of it:

That show should be called, Fuck Me? NO! Fuck You!!

[thefirebuilds]

*bronx johnny calls in, Ron's voice is heard in the background*

Ron: "Johnny, turn down your radio like you work in the business."

Bronx Johnny: "Sorry Ronnie B."

Ron: "Are you high? Aren't you the phone screener on the show?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ronnie, I'm in on your church, I'll give you 10% of my take
Ron: What type of money are you making?
Caller: 40, 50 something like that...
Ron: Huh...I'm gonna need a lot more people to live my lifestyle for only that type of money. I tell you, if there was 4 or 5 grand down in the mailbox, I'm still not getting up until Time magazine shows up...

[King_Sean]

Ron: And then what'd ya do, have a snack?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Yeah, it's great...your kids come home from high school in time to see Mom & Dad get married

[Conoeman125]

*bronx johnny calls in, Ron's voice is heard in the background*

Ron: "Johnny, turn down your radio like you work in the business."

Bronx Johnny: "Sorry Ronnie B."

Ron: "Are you high? Aren't you the phone screener on the show?"

:clap: I say Good Day to you Sir!

[KMcJoseph]

Ron (talking to Andre the Giant): "When you hang out with snakes you end up on crack."

[Sack of Chisels]

Earl: my friend still wears a mike vick jersey and gets dirty looks
Ron: from who? a poodle?

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: I think you should at least try to go to bed when the host goes to sleep.

Ron: When the host goes to sleep, they shave your head

[Chester'sLiver]

Fez: I had a spill today at home

Ron: Does that mean you came?

[Arch Stanton]

If we ever go back to Terrsetrial Radio, we are gonna have fake laughs.
The general public is to stupid to get the dry humor.

listener would listen for an hour during a dry humor segment and say they didn't hear anything funny.

[Angelfuck]

Yesterday I had a feeling that I haven't had in NY since 9/11... I'm walking home from work here yesterday... Im walking past the cbs studios, I hear something and I turn around and it was free Maroon 5 concert... I couldn't get away, people were running and it just brought back the incredible feelings that we had at 9/11 "when is this city gonna be safe from these kinda things again" "when can you feel ok...".

[mikek]

The general public is to stupid to get the dry humor.


The grammar police are cringing right now, sir. :arrrh:


(sorry... it's my pet peeve)


Uh oh... here's the obligatory :action-sm , lest my bitterness be taken seriously.

[TonyBagels]

(from a show last week, I think it may have been Thursday's, but then again I may be very wrong, stupid not writing that info down)

I have never in my life seen technology roll back. I have never seen anything where we go, this is a horrible thing, we don’t need it. Even the atomic bomb, when it blew up, all of the scientists were alarmed. They had no idea the devastation. The military people: alarmed. Government officials: alarmed. And the only thing they did was make more bombs, to protect us. You never get less.

[TonyBagels]

(last week again)

Cute or Weird. By the way, I've done it, again. Ronnie B has invented another great game.



(later on)

Weird, but oddly cute.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Do you want to go somewhere with Dave?
Lilly: Ummm...no
Ron: I think that even if I went to Heaven and Dave was in there, I'd try to check out

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday, about being woken up by someone or an alarm)

I do not like an alarm or someone waking me up. Any type of fake wake up..you are not getting the sleep that nature wants you to have. I've never had a good day, that's why I hated school and any type of real job.

[krisko]

Ron to Fezzy about being bitchy to the waitress: even if the waitress said "hey tater tits what would you like" you let it go.

[Endless Mike]

from 2-8-2007 on popular movies you've never seen

caller: I'm ashamed to say this, but I've never seen The Blue Lagoon.
Ron: I've never made it through that film without jacking off. I really only get to where Brooke discovers her titties and at that point I'm like *sigh* that's enough for me. Like any porno...it's embarrassing to watch once you've finished.

[SmallFry]

Ron sends a caller and Earl into the prize closet for knowing something.
Fez tells the caller what he's won, then tells Earl, "You know what's in there, go get what you want."

Ron: "He's already got everything that's in there at home. Earl, you should just go home."

[SmallFry]

Talking about giving gifts vs. giving money.
Ron want money or nothing. Fez wants to buy a gift.

They were talking about how at Christmas time, someone in the family will always bring up not giving gifts other than to the kids. Fez says that well maybe one party still likes the act of giving gifts even though the other doesn't.

Ron: "What if the person you're with wants to lick your asshole, but you're not into that. But they say they are and do it anyway? Is that ok? Gift giving is just another form of ****."

[KNUCKLEUP]

"866-RON-0-SNOWBALL... 866-RON-0-SNOWBALL... It's the Ron and Snowball Show..."

[TonyBagels]

(about what Christians believe thunder is)

Why the fuck would angels bowl, when there's a world of things to do.

[PittsburghEddie]

866-Ron-0-Snow, 866-Ron-0-Snow

Fez: that's not going to work, that'll just confuse people

[jimmyolsenblues]

Caller: "Isn't your partner a big bowl of gravy"
Ron:"I would rather he is a big bowl of snowball".

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"We had John Tuturro on yesterday, who has a new movie "Romance and Cigarettes. That's like Fez's movie, assholes and buckets of cum."

[cozzie]

"We had John Tuturro on yesterday, who has a new movie "Romance and Cigarettes. That's like Fez's movie, assholes and buckets of cum."

one of the best ever, I spit soda all over my winsheild then had to pull over and clean it off.:clap::clap::clap:

[SmallFry]

one of the best ever, I spit soda all over my winsheild then had to pull over and clean it off.:clap::clap::clap:

Thank god you didn't hit an abutment or run off the road:)

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave about being checked out by mental doctors)

I jut don't think they can measure stupid.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I guess, you're right...you can't really be offended by someone who doesn't believe. It's not like I said, "I got jerked off by that Hindu god with all those arms"..that stupid elephant thingy

[TonyBagels]

(about sticks and stones will break my bones)

Well one thing I won't forget is it's a Styx and Stones Weekend, where we'll play the best of Styx and the best of the Stones all weekend.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl: My Nephews blow me...
Ron: Ew. They blow you?

[Friday]

Talking about Bruce Springsteen and how he does not like to show off his money:

"I don't understand it....

Why not go out and get yourself a nice diamond hat.... "

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Hey Fezzie, who do you say defines NASCAR?
Ron: I think what defines NASCAR is fucking your children...

[KNUCKLEUP]

Regarding ESD's stupidity:

"From this point on, we're got 49 states--Jersey's out!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Today is Rosh Hozannah, the Jewish New Year...so happy new year
Ron: It's really a big day, today all of the Jewish colleges are playing in their bowl games

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Why don't you talk about the good things Dave does? Like when he doesn't eat his own shit or when he doesn't drink his own piss?

[TonyBagels]

Regarding ESD's stupidity:

"From this point on, we're got 49 states--Jersey's out!"

I believe this was in response to Rutgers fans anti-American chants against the Navy football team

[TonyBagels]

(about robots)

To me, I call them toasters. 'Cause that's all they're good for.

[TonyBagels]

(to Earl)

You know what I'd like to do..is replace you with a blender. I won't get any more work done but at least I can ave boat drinks after the show.

[TonyBagels]

(in response to Rutgers fans, and regarding the Navy fotball team, and the other Academies' teams)

These kids are the only legitimate student athletes this country has.



Bravo Ronnie, and thanks

[TonyBagels]

My family is Irish decent, but I consider myself American.



I've been saying this for many, many years when asked "what are you?". I am honored that I have the same mindset that the genius Ronnie B has.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: There's a new movement down in Philadelphia where they're recruiting 10,000 black men to help fight crime in the toughest areas of the city
Ron: But they all said, "I'm sorry, but we're all too busy out committing crimes in the toughest areas of the city!"

[TonyBagels]

(about John McCain's new campaign slogan)

Fez: ...NOw it's no surrender.
Ron: Except in Vietnam.


:icon_eek: While I commend McCain and support him, this is a funny line

[TonyBagels]

Caller: The greatest trick that the devil's ever done....
Ron: No, the greatest trick the Devil has ever done, was convince everyone that he's an executive producer.

[Awful Me]

Ron to Earl:

Liar Liarson.

[frago]

To Dave

Ok Fuckey Fuckerton

[Suspect_Phil]

Talking about Mexican Soccer fans:

Ron: Remember when the Mexican fans were chanting Obama, Obama?
Fez: It’s Osama.
Ron: Is that what it is? Guess I’ll see him on election day.

[Suspect_Phil]

Ron: We sat there for an hour talking about, "What does this show stand for?" We came up with nothing.

[Suspect_Phil]

Talking to Bronx Johnny about "My Daughter Banged Blackzilla"

Ron: So this is ****?
BJ: I guess so if you want to look at it like that..
Ron: So, paid ****.
BJ: I wouldn’t watch it with my kids.
Ron: Not a family film.

[Awful Me]

Ron on BXJ

Bronx Johnny isn't what you would call an organized guy....He is what you would call: Ghetto.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : "Who knows. At this point I call Italians African Americans..."

[Suspect_Phil]

"I have always been crazy about a girl in a piece of sh*t car... Just a piece of sh*t car where she's acting like she can't believe it made it here... What is it about her, and her sh*tty old nova?"

[oandapartycock]

On Kathy Griffin Jesus Comment:

Ron: Who gives a shit about Kathy Griffin? She looks like East Side Dave. No, wait East Side Dave with a smaller vagina.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: Paul-O has a question on Ronfez.net

Ron: The answer is yes. Hang yourself Paul.

[mikek]

Re: Would you rather have your S.O. cheat on you, or get in a car accident?
[from that, it morphed into 'but what about my kids']

Ron: Kids, I have to leave. Your mom's vagina is looser than it was.

[TonyBagels]

from Friday 9-14
(After Dave said that Ron & Fez are like fathers to him)

Great. Why don’t you do what you did to your own father and run away.

[Earl's D]

After Earl spelled the N word and said he was uncomfortable even spelling it...

Ron: Good job Earl, now just sound it out...

[LiddyRules]

Calling Employee of the Month "Costco"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, Delta you're on the air, Delta...
Delta: Actually it's Deltra, with an R
Ron: Who cares

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I should write a book, "When Good Things Happen to Bad People: The Ron Bennington Story." You cannot believe the shit I've gotten away with...

[Hidden_Rage]

Dave: Pitz is always up with the *sniffs* he does
Ron: He does coke?

[Awful Me]

Ron under his breath as Vinnie Cooper hung up the phone:

Bye Vin, love your breasts.....

[SmallFry]

Ron to Dave:

"Casey's going to end up leaving you for someone with a man sized penis."

[SmallFry]

Dave: "But Saranoid's in the Army."

Ron: "But it's the Canadian army. It's like working at Winn Dixie down here."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Well if you want your pictures in Elle or something like that you should probably think about renaming Angelfuck
Ron: Forget that, I'll just make my own magazine...Ron's! It's just gonna be full of things I think are funny and hot chicks...hell, that's a magazine I'd even buy!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: No I'm not gonna take any calls from Flea...Flea you've gotta be 22 to buy my magazine, so you're out
Pitz: I feel sorry for Flea...
Ron: I feel sorry for us for having to be pals with him!

[Goober]

In response to Jessie Jackson vs. Obama. - 'Obama ain't black enough'

Earl: "Black people are their own worst enemy"
Ron: "Not while I'm alive"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: His name should be Jay Mohr-about-me...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know, you'll never take a stand against me, will you Fez? Now I know how Howard feels with Robin...I kind of want to put you in your own seperate booth sometimes...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron from O&A: You know he was doing all of these self-depreciating black jokes, make everyone feel all comfortable.....then later he would :rap: them

[LiddyRules]

"The line of the day brought to you by botox! Botox.com. If you need Botox, go to Botox.com"

[Suspect_Phil]

About the cover of new magazine "Ron", to Earl:

Ron: We should be facing off like Fiddy and Kanye!

[SmallFry]

Talking about women (can't quite remember the context).

Fez: "I don't think that's the same kind of dream MLK had."

Ron: "Lemmie' tell ya, MLK had some dreams that he couldn't say out loud."

[SmallFry]

On Fezzie winning the 'no sleep contest'.

Ron: "You're the winner on a losing team. You're the MVP of Shitsburg.

[SmallFry]

Earl calls Jesse Jackson a 'Foo' for his calling Obama, "To white".

Ron: "A what? Are you just dropping the 'L' now? Do you say, 'Everyone in the Poo', because that would be discusting?"

[SmallFry]

Ron: "Earl, I want you to write a column called, Everything I say is wrong."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So you know Babygirl and Angelfuck have teamed up to make Babyfuck Cards...and I've been asked to be Babyfuck #1. But let me tell you, I'm kind of worried about getting in trouble while carrying that one around..."It's a compound word! Those are two names, it's not what you think it is!"

[LiddyRules]

*On The Canadian coin known as a Loony* "I had no idea, I even lived up there for awhile...before I had to leave in the thick of the night

"Ever give a cashier a $20 and they act like it's $1 million, holding it up to the light. I'm not making counterfeits of $20s, I don't have that kind of time."

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ron: I've never seena gap in a mohawk!
Fez: Well, you know... the headphones...

[Arch Stanton]

What happened to Bald people? they can't go to Heaven?

[slopypartybotom]

Ron's a genius. Best analogy of the country i live in(Canada).
"90% of the population is a stones throw from the boarder like the singers huddled around the burning trash can in rocky."

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"There's nothing in the world like getting bare tit in a laundromat." Perhaps my motto for the rest of my life.

[Herbie Robinson]

Earl: Black people are their own worst enemy.

Ron: Not when I'm alive.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl: Go Cocks...Go Gamecocks

Ron: Your always yelling out cocks....Cocks, get in my Ass!!!

[Suspect_Phil]

Talking about banging your ex:

Ron: "...or as I call it, the Old Timers Game. Let's give it one more shot to see if we still got it."

[BCH]

Talking about cats.

Ron> I don't even know which is which, spayed or neutered.

Fez> It's spayed, girls get spayed.

Ron> Yeah, they do if they want to be with me, unless they want to have a little anal.

[Turtle]

Earl: School
Ron: Earl you don't ever need to yell out school when I've got Turtle on the line with a spy report. Turtle your on the Ron & Fez show.

[Awful Me]

Ronnie B on O&A talking about Billy Staples and his vertigo:

Jim Norton: What would happen if he came up the elevator?

Ronnie B: Bad Radio.

[Arch Stanton]

Call in to O and A:

Remember I am Babyfuck Cardholder #1

[Arch Stanton]

Show steps all over caller, who happens to be Ron Bennington:

Anthony: Huh, What's that?

opie: Ron, what did you say?

Ron: I didn't say anything.

(This is the finest example of how to deal with OnA when they talk over callers who they go to, then do not want to hear a thing they have to say)

Brilliant!!! Hope it catches on

[Friday]

on Staples inability to leave sea level:

"Topography... is our enemy!"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "The only thing keeping this band apart....Topography".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I mean Jesus, when did men stop being men?
Ron: I dunno, when you started hanging out watching an 0-4 team?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, how about we scrap getting AirSick back together and instead we try to reunite me with your pills?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You look like a very big baby....with a beard....and two stents

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: I can't just call the exterminator and tell him I have a cat!
Ron: Sure you can. Just tell them, "Come in and gas the place, don't ask me any questions." I did that once for an unwanted baby...

[earlshog]

caller: Fez lets talk about the cat scratch fever ... pause... lets get to the serious part

Ron: Wait give me a mintue until we get serious, I want to enjoy that comedy...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: No I didn't get promoted, so I don't want to see him getting promoted
Ron: First of all, your promotion is not getting fired!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, I don't know how we're gonna do your funeral, but we're leaving it New Orleans style
Earl: Good! That's exactly how I want it to go, people dancin' leaving it
Ron: I'm going to be dancing on my way to your funeral

[TallBaby]

Ron on Earl's funeral:

I'm gonna have to go through a temp service to find people to come.

[maz]

Ron : i wish i had a Butterfinger right now,
and i wish Fez was dead

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday, after the no sleep bet ended)

Dave: I was watching Hotel Rwanda to stay awake and I really was paranoid that people were trying to break into my house & try to murder me.
Ron: That's not paranoia. That's just being on point.

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday, after bet rundown)

Fez: If this was a business retreat in the woods, I'd be all alone. Everyone else would have gone home.
Ron: If this was a business retreat in the woods, you'd be blowing a coworker.

[LiddyRules]

"All you Italians, or as I call you, Christ Killers. ... even my own children."

[Haeder]

"Nobody around here needs money. You caught us at the wrong time of our lives."

Ron to Dave about the $2,700 offer to buy out his days away from Casey Elan.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know Earl, I'm just going to sit here on my wallet and watch you
Earl: And it's just gonna keep getting bigger!
Ron: And so's my dick, I'm not gonna lie to you

[Hidden_Rage]

Ron: They're not nay sayers, they're n sayers

[Stormrider666]

Ron: I rather bring out fat chicks that I have banged than some of the albums I have brought.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Moises Alou and his son pissy-hands

[Suspect_Phil]

Ron: Winning money is like having passed out p*ssy in front of you!

[jimca_2]

Ron I'd rather tell my story's about the fat chicks I f*&*d in the 70's, rather then some of the albums I got into.

[LiddyRules]

What is it about guys kissing that goes from gross to hysterical back to gross?

[Turtle]

Ron: Winning money is like having passed out p*ssy in front of you!

It's ok to post the word pussy.

[LiddyRules]

O+A is on a 2 and a half day delay so the lawyers can look over it and see what works. We're on a 2 second delay in case I say the name "Hilliard."

[Endless Mike]

on being excited about interviewing Bob Newhart for Unmasked:

Ron: Look at me now, Fez! Now I'VE got goosebumps! and by that, I mean the children's booksss...

[GDRC]

Dave: "I'm a grower not a shower."
Ron: "What are you growing a vagina?"

[LiddyRules]

From earlier this week:

Caller: Mahatma's a term of respect. His full name is Mohandas K. Gandhi.
Ron: What does the K stand for?
Caller: I have no idea.
Ron: Kingfish!!

[Sack of Chisels]

"Babygirl do you have a cellphone? Hit 9-1 and just keep your thumb on the 1 and stare at Fezzy, and the second he hits the floor, hit that other 1."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The Jets are about as strong as Joe Namath's knee

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Your father will get a job before the Jets win a Super Bowl

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Your Parents are going to stop getting government cheese before the Jets win a Super Bowl

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Pitzy: Well if you want to put me in that category...I guess you can
Ron: I will...and I'll also put you in that "Scategory", so I can draw a picture of you being a shitty fan

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: We must be on the O&A delay, not the Ron & Fez delay...we only have a 2 second delay so someone can dump out if we accidentally say the word "Hilyer"
Fez: Dump! Dump!

[MilkmanDan]

Ron on Pregnancy - "I tell her here's 10 grand, and I'm gone... Or I'll give you a ride to the clinic, pay half, and hold you after while you cry."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: "Do you know how hard it is to run an island?"
Michael Ian Black: .................run an island?
Ron: Wow...that was awkward Whatley

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl kissed Dave on Sunday in order to have Babygirl & Lilly make out...Ron moves things along on Tuesday...


Ron: Earl, I want to see these two chicks go down on eachother, you're getting your ass eaten out

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Hi guys...uh..ugh, I'm getting feedback. I'm hearing myself talk
Ron: Now you know how annoying it is

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
You know what? This is where childhood ends

When I was a child I spoke like a child

[LiddyRules]

"One, if you're an intern don't come in here unless you're 100% correct. Two, stop looking like Ben."

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: Couple I want to you to answer in fake voices. Hold on let the other answer.....

( Funny because one is Big A )

[Stig]

Edit: Oops... wrong thread.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay...Deb's saying that she'd rather be eaten to death than be buried alive...let me say that I'm just the ham n' egger to do that to you. Eaten to death...or eaten to bliss?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Would you prefer a blue shirt instead of the orange?
Fez: Umm..yeah, give me the blue instead of the orange shirt. You know, if it won't screw up any sponsorship deals
Ron: Ehh..it might. Would you still wear it with the little doggy on it?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "What kind of problems do you have that make you drink straight Jack Daniels"

[BaLZaC~308]

Ron : you know what my favorite thing about people is... when they blow me

[Cromwell]

Ron: "You know what Blowhard calls 'em - the Jew York Times"

:action-sm

[Awful Me]

On things that make children laugh:

Ron: "I have never laughed at things that make kids laugh....oh wait, yes I do: Race Jokes"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: It's actually a segment of Black voters who really just don't think that he's "thug-ish" enough to represent them
Ron: Earl is it possible that they're realizing that a Black man just cannot do this job? They're saying, "We know that he cant do this, so we're just banning ourselves from the voting booth"

[Sack of Chisels]

(on hot manly chicks)

caller: ..lower body like a thoroughbred... Serena Williams.
Ron: Look, fuck a horse then.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Caller:"ronnie , I got a problem, I am 275lbs 5'9" and I am only attracted to thin girls and they want nothing do to with me , what should I do?"
Ronnie: "Hookers!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'll tell you something else I cannot stand, how Angelfuck is with that goddamned Balzac!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: He's on for 3 years and you get him pizza? If that's the case you owe me dinner!
Babygirl: Okay...
Ron: And breakfast....it's gonna be a long night

[Cromwell]

Ron: "Have you ever gotten a blow job"

Earl: "Sure"

Ron: "What was his name?"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron:"I don't like a plain cheese pizza, I would rather eat a pizza with a Toy Boat on it , just to have something on it. a meat or a vegatable, I can't stand a plain pizza".

[mikek]

"Earl, make monkey noises."

-instructing Earl to cheer up Baby Love.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: Well she's laughing at it, that's for sure
Ron: We all are. [to Babyluv] That's Cliche! Thank you Cliche!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl (about Leticia): Oh she could pass for straight-up American black
Ron: Don't insult her like that

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "We used to get water drunk, just drink too much water, you put a hose in front of a kid and he will drink till he dies".

[krisko]

someone beat me to it :(

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, are you sure?!? That's a 14 fuc--...I don't want to say it with the baby here. It's a 14 fucking point swing!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Awww...look at that back and forth hugging
Mikeyboy's wife: She loves hugs!
Ron: Who doesn't? I'd love to hug you...

[mikek]

Ron: When the shit's going down, I stand next to Lilly. If fact, on 9/11 I told Lilly to go downtown and she refused.

Fez: Really? How did she know?

Ron: I wonder.


(it was very quick. I don't think anyone even picked up on it)

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: With Earl, you gotta throw that rope real quick...he'll sink real quick
Earl: No I cannot float one bit
Ron: God, I'd love to get you in the East River...right before you go away

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: There is no kissing in a train-type situation!

[TonyBagels]

Best-of so it may be 45 pages back, but in case it's not, and until I have my second printing copy of the book to reference, I'm gonna put it in

(to Dave while discussing dumb and a sex-machine vs. genius & impotent )

Dave, you are so dumb. Your dumbness goes on forever, it's like train smoke.

[TonyBagels]

(best-of, same topic, Dave picks dumb & sex machine)

Dave: So I wouldn't be able to write my poetry?
Ron: No, that's the one thing that wouldn't change.

[TonyBagels]

(best-of, Ron describes something to Dave)

Dave: I see your point now. You have a way of explaining things.
Ron: Well, I have to. I have to sometimes stop the car to explain things to you.

[thefirebuilds]

what was the quote ron gave when dave started doing "TESTING 1-2" last sunday on one of the mics. omg i was dying, and im sure it was nothing special just dead-pan calling dave's ass out the way Ron does like no one else.

[TonyBagels]

(from the 3rd, a caller calls in about crazy redheaded chicks)

Caller: Hey guys. Hey, red headed bitches are fuckin' crazy...I had to give up on them because I thought I was gonna wake up dead.

Ron: You know, ahh by the way, ahh I'll tell you the truth.. Most women are crazy. And most women you are really are taking your life into your hands. Women wonder why, after we bang them we want to leave, we don't trust them not to cut our throats as the night goes on. There's something about a women that you can't judge, anyway, at least any one of them that are good in bed. Yeah some of you fuckin' women that can't be fucked, sure, I'll sleep right next to you right now, but who wants to?

[TonyBagels]

i love everybody that listens to this show, Fezzie, except for the 'seeds. And I love everone who's on this show, except Fez, when he's detoxing and Earl.

[Friday]

Caller: "Ronnie, you are a literary genius"

Ronnie B: "I don't know what that means, I haven't written anything.

.....oh yeah, my one book."

[TonyBagels]

This is good stuff. Is this what you talk about on Lenay D's Musical Roller Coaster of Love?

[TonyBagels]

(to Lenay D)
If you don't smoke, what are you gonna do when you drink beer?

[TonyBagels]

(to Lenay)

Ron: You're in what grade now?
Lenay: 5th grade.
Ron: So, you're right around the age where you're looking to get weed.

[TonyBagels]

(to Lenay, after improving being firemen with Fezzie)

RON: and that's how you do improv, would you like to try?
Lenay: OK.
Ron: OK, you're a little girl and I'm an older man who makes out with you.

[TonyBagels]

let's take a break. When we come back... And in the meantime, I'm gonna be playing 'Hey Babysitter, what are you doing in here?' with Babygirl

[TonyBagels]

(to Lenay with AngelF and Babygirl in studio)

If you had to decide, which one would you want to be with? Tough..you thinking what I'm thinking, girl menage?

[TonyBagels]

(when asking Lenay about 'the bases')

Ron: What's 3rd base?
Leany: Ahh,that I don't know.
Ron: I can show you, but you can't tell your dad about it.

[TonyBagels]

RON: Angel, how old were you when you had your first kiss.
AngelF: Umm, 5.
Ron: 5!? And was he 30?

[mikek]

(while watching Casey on Paltalk destroy ESD's Bobba Fet doll)
Ron: What are you going to do when you get home, Dave? Make dinner?

And an assist by Fez: "[Are you going to] have a Fet?"

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: I'm alone in the biggest city in the world... I've got nobody!
Fez: You've got me!
Ron: Exactly.

[maz]

on fez's lenay impression
"duuh my name's lenay
and i like to smell my own gas"
even got a chuckle outta lenay

[BaLZaC~308]

Ron - Angel you told me your boyfriend is like an 8 year old boy with a drivers license

Angelfuck - he actually just stopped collecting toys...

Ron - Adult toys?

Angelfuck - yea....

Ron - doublesided dildos?

[BaLZaC~308]

Ron - Earl do you ever say no to me?

Earl - ummm

Ron - I bet I can rapee him in under 5 minutes

Ron - (doing earl impression) "I want you to take me dry"

[TonyBagels]

Ron: You know, you'll never take a stand against me, will you Fez? Now I know how Howard feels with Robin...I kind of want to put you in your own seperate booth sometimes...

transcribed:

(9-20)

Ron: I am ready for a bio pic. B/c how many people, Fezzie, have gone from stand-up to radio, into running their own agency, an inventor, and now a magazine. A lifestyle magazine, which is really just about my lifestyle.
Fez: I don’t think anyone’s ever put that same combo together.
Ron: Boy do you play up to me. You will never bust my balls, will ya? You will never bust my balls, even for a moment. Sometimes I look at him and I know how Howard looks at Robin. You know what I want to do with you, is put you in another booth, where you can just say compliments from in there, ‘That’s Right Ronnie.’

[TonyBagels]

(9-20)
Ron: Why you on the other hand, Earl, you and your despicable opinions. You’re pro-OJ. And yet you wouldn’t let OJ in your own home. You wouldn’t let him get in there with one of your own sisters. One of your 8 sisters.
Earl: 6
Ron: Oh, two of them passed away?
Earl: No, I only have 6 sisters.
Ron: That you know of.

[TonyBagels]

(9-20, discussing Earl being out of the no sleep contest)

Earl: I was in my street clothes. I passed out.
Ron: Jackin’ your own fist? …
Fez (continues trying to start a discussion): Watching Kid Nation last night..
Ron: Jackin’ your own fist?
Fez: Well, …

[TonyBagels]

(9-20, shortly after Casey called AF & BG toothpicks)

Pitz: But that’s a compliment.
Ron: Is it? You give out compliments like Casey.

[TonyBagels]

*On The Canadian coin known as a Loony* "I had no idea, I even lived up there for awhile...before I had to leave in the thick of the night



Furthering this one

9-21
Ron: I had no idea, and I lived up there for a while..until I had to leave in the thick of the night. Another..uhhhh..another mix up I wasn’t gonna stay around and try to explain….
Ron: They still don’t have credit cards up there.
P-Hicks: Really?
Ron: Well, who the hell wants a Canadian Express Card. You’d be a fuckin’..you’d be a nervous wreck. And wherever anyone goes, they were skates.
P-Hicks: It’s all ice on the roads?
Ron: EVERYWHERE is ice.
P-Hicks: Really?
Ron: Yeah. Fuckin’ reindeer running in front of you. I’d love to go with you, I can’t. I can’t until I get some things straightened out.

[TonyBagels]

9-21
I’m guaranteeing you, the cool Buddist kids are sitting in the back going, ‘This is bullshit. What I really want to do is get a hold of your mom’s pills.’

[TonyBagels]

(9-21, while discussing the Survivor in a Buddhist monastery)

Hard Rock Johnny: They kept showing the close-ups of those weird Buddha faces.
Ron: But try to go to a Catholic church and tell me that doesn’t look nutty. I remember as a little kid trying to look at the stations of the cross and going, ‘They beat the shit out of this man.”
P-Hicks: and there’s so many of them,
Ron: yeah. They’re just all over
P-Hicks: (simultaneously) They’re all over
Fez: (giggling)
Fez: (Laughs uncontrollably)
Ron: And it’s like reading a comic book when you were a kid. You can follow the whole story.
Fez: (Laughs uncontrollably)
P-Hicks: Big word balloons and shit.
Ron: Yeah, anything not to pay attention.

[Friday]

somebody has a lot of time on his hands. lol

(not a Ron Bennington line)

[TonyBagels]

(9-26, in a bird vs. bug discussion)
I don’t know why you see the difference between birds and insects anyway. I see a fuckin’ cardinal, it’s just a really big mosquito.

[TonyBagels]

somebody has a lot of time on his hands. lol

(not a Ron Bennington line)

time, or recordings to listen intently and transcribe the brilliance? BTW, this thread is not for discussions. We can't compare to the greatness that is Bennington and therefore should only be used in this thread as messengers of his word, not of our own.

[TonyBagels]

(9-26, about watching Hitchcock’s The Birds as a kid)
I don’t know why parents ever did that, “Oh come on in here. You’re 5. Hitchcock’s on”

[TonyBagels]

(9-26, The Birds)
Ron: What a great book. Ever read it Fez?
Fez: No.
Ron: See the movie?
Fez: No.
Ron: Ever get out of the house? Ever do anything?

[TonyBagels]

(9-26)
What is better in the world, than a dog? A dog is the only thing in the world that will think about you. And it doesn’t even care who you are. If Dave, as crazy as wacky as he is, had a dog, you know what he’s thinking? ‘I hope Dave’s alright. I wonder if Dave needs anything.’ You don’t see a dog coming and jumping on anyone’s back while they’re sitting at their computer chair.

[TonyBagels]

(9-27, to Dave about his away-from-Casey bet)
Ron: I understand you have a personal life. I’m talking about the show, an interesting little thing that takes place for three hours. Which I believe is more important than anything else in real life.
Dave: But this is an actual marriage.
Ron: So what?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Topic: Yankees
ESD:"Joe Torre is the cause of all the problems in the bronx"
Ron:"Not all the problems......"

[Arch Stanton]

After Fez on Baseball:

Earl just handed me note and said this makes us all look like fags

[ChimneyFish]

"You should go to jail for that." - Ron on Rush lyrics

[Arch Stanton]

About Rapstars:
Your telling everyone that purchasing things makes everything OK.

Your not a Rapper, your a fucking salesman

[jimmyolsenblues]

ESD:"I swear to God"
Ron:"White jesus?"

[Friday]

"If something makes you feel OK...then it's Alright."

[FAZ8218]

"Lilly is the only presentable person...
...YES, Hicks, the only presentable person. You un-made bed!"

[TonyBagels]

(from the Sunday test show, during Arch's call)

Fez: I just want the engineer's to know that we're getting a little feedback on Arch's line.
Ron: Feed Bag

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday's test show, during Friday's call)

I'm so uncomfortable with the term BabyFuck, I can't even begin to tell you. And I love both of them, but just the way you say it, I don't want the FBI kicking in the doors.

[Arch Stanton]

Bagels, you never dissapoint. Always posts gems!!! Thanks

[Friday]

Bagels, you never dissapoint. Always posts gems!!! Thanks

no discussion in this thread please.
per TonyBagels, the Enforcer. ;p

[TonyBagels]

(sunday's test show)

Ron: You know what I want to start is the Dave & Earl School of Broadcasting, where you teach another generation of poor producers
Earl: I can run that class.
Fez: Into the ground
Ron: You know what I would love to do? I would love to go over into Kenya, throw a net into the crowd, bring back a guy, and I guarantee you that he's a better producer than Earl, in a week.

[Arch Stanton]

To Patty, Daves friend:

When you are on TV, remember when Carol Burnett would tug her ear as a sign? I want you to grab your package as a sign to us.

[Wilmington WOW]

lol

"Never throw change at someone, it dehumanizes them"

[Arch Stanton]

Caller about Pitz:

I can't believe this guy is such a knuckle dragger.

Ron: Wait a minute, Lily is the knuckle dragger of the show.

[Arch Stanton]

On the adult birthday parties:

You haver a party, don't lay out a dime in a bar. I get there and ask who are these people?
I don't know. It is a public bar. Anyone can be here.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know what type of kids kept their toys in the plastic? PARALYZED!!

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I hate people who said, "I would be rich if my mom did not throw my toys out, Fuck that, you know who did not play with their toys and they are still in plastic.....
Paralyzed kids."

[TonyBagels]

-deleted due to triple posting, Damn you Jimmy and Jimmy-

[TonyBagels]

(during school violence discussion)
I'll tell you what, I'd get rid of that Pearl Jam song Jeremy. I'd get rid of every Pearl Jam song.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday test show, about the Mets as they were losing)

Why would you even want that team to go to the playoffs? because it's only gonna be more pain.

[goldenbunz]

Ron ( talking about a caller) he lives right outside of bumfuck. He looks in the distance and sees the lights of bumfuck and says one day, I'll make it to bumfuck.

[goldenbunz]

Ron (talking to Dave) you know what I'm going to buy your chick? an iron? it looks like your wearing a used jizz rag.

[Arch Stanton]

In school we didn't have a Nurse. I had Scarlet Fever in 2nd Grade and the teacher said to sit in the back and put my head down.

& or 8 Years old, they say walk home with a 106 fever. I was walking home and said to my self I am gonna die in the street. I knew something was wrong with me.

[TIPPYWAH]

Ron - Earl, Did you smoke when you were a kid?

Earl - Nope

Ron - Why, afraid you were going to N-Lip it?

[Awful Me]

Beanie Mac: So I came

Ronnie B: Hot.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, while Lilly is setting up to kiss Babygirl, to Babygirl)

Oh my God you on a stool is unbelievably hot. Now, if we could only replace Lilly with Angelfuck, this would be the perfect thing.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, after the kiss)

Lilly: Don Wickland is giving me the evil eye now.
Ron: Yeah, Wiki’s turned off now, but before he was like “this is fantastic” when Dave was kissing PitZ.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, after the kiss, to Lilly)
Let me take everything back about me calling you a cold fish.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, after the kiss)

Dave: Can we mix and match, like perhaps I kiss Lilly, and we’ll just keep it going?
Ron: You know what, Casey wanted you and Babygirl to make out.
Fez: We can mix and match, Earl come in here and kiss Dave.
Ron: Earl, would you like to come in here and maybe make out with Pepper?

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, setting up Dave & Earl kissing)

Fez: You know these are pants down kisses.
Ron: Yeah and shirts up. You need to get in here and make, uhh, tummy sticks.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, after Dave & Earl kiss)

Martin Luther King never had that dream. You are like Martin Luther Queen, in here.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, after 2nd kiss, to Babygirl)

Babygirl, that wasn’t your first time to the plate. You have been to the rodeo before. You sexy little she-devil. You’re EVERYTHING that America used to be great for.

[TonyBagels]

(Sunday’s test show, to Babygirl)


Would you please let him (Anthony) know that you just made out with Lilly. Because, Jimmy’s got a thing for Lilly, Ant’s got a thing for you, and ah… Fez has a thing for Balzac.

[TonyBagels]

(from Sunday's test show, watching the Mets lose)

The Mets, ah, they just showed the broadcast team and it looks like they were broadcasting Munich in 1972.

[TonyBagels]

(sunday's test show, after the Mets lose)

Billy Crystal's now putting on a Yankee gay, as we speak. He's willing to jump back and forth from team to team. He and Dave, Dave and Billy Crystal are two people that will jump on a bandwagon, neither one of them funny anymore

[TonyBagels]

(10-11)

Jay Mohr: I had trouble ejaculating on Paxil.
Fez: I'm having trouble on Efexor.
Ron: You're having trouble b/c you don't have a partner.

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday, about Dave drowning in a pond)

Ron: Do you think he was actually dead for a while, did he stop breathing?
Beany: Everything stopped
Ron: 'cause a big part of this is brain damage.
Beany:Well I wondered about that, but he's very bright.
Ron: emmmm emmm
Fez: No

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday, about Dave drowning in a pond)


Beany: I started giving him mouth to mouth recucitation, but I didn't really know how to do it.
Ron: and you didn't even stop that until he met Casey.
Beany: And then the dry cleaner man came
Ron: His real dad?

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday's show, after Beanie sings)

You know what's weird, the whole time you were doing it, I was going, "How dull is this knife that it won't go through my artery.

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday show, talking about 80's songs, to Beanie)

Dave: Do you know Come on Eileen?
Ron: Don't talk dirty, that's your mother.

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday's show, after Dave attempts to sing)

Beany: Ooo, Dave you have a nice voice.
Ron: You know what, and I think its wonderful that you love him, but he's never gonna learn if you tell him everything he does is good.

[TonyBagels]

(Thursday's show, after telling Beany that it was Fez's birthday)

Yeah, and he's like our Barry Manilow here, we don't think he's gay either.

[dilznick101]

Ron: Stick your dick in a hippo? You might as well stick your dick out a bay window. I've told you this time and time again, fezzie.

Fez: Yeah. Why DO you keep me telling me that.


I'm sure this has been posted before, but this had me rolling on the best of's

[fillourenco]

july 11th show
discussing todays music
caller: it doesnt seem bad my daughter isalways goes out to these concerts all the time
Ron: well why don't you do us a favour and send us pictures

[TonyBagels]

(to Earl after blowing a football pick)

I'm glad that Lilly ruined you.

[TonyBagels]

everything the guy says... even:

866-Ron-0-Fez

[TonyBagels]

(about the swastika being turned by the Nazis, previously meaning good luck)

Fez: So I guess it doesn't mean good luck for them.
Ron: Well it did for them.

[TonyBagels]

(paraphrasing)

I know that any women with lower back tatoos want to be fucked

[Arch Stanton]

Dave, you have pushed Fez off the show

[TonyBagels]

(about going to the opera)

You know, I'm gonna stay away from the Wagner. I still haven't gotten over the World War II thing.

[TonyBagels]

(about Arch's call correcting Dave)

You're going into the prize closet. Give him two, Best Correction Call Ever

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: NO ONE IS FUCKING ROBOT BABIES!!!

[TonyBagels]

(about an article from an artificial intelligence researcher, after the anti-robot tirade from Ron)

Fez: People will be having sex with robots within 10 years.
Ron: Hold on, let me change my stance.
Fez: Yeah
Ron: But I guarantee you that the robot will blow you and then snap your neck

[Turtle]

Ron: Would it be ok if Casey used a dildo?
ESD: Yes, as long ass..
Ron: As long as you got to put it up your ass?

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:

You and Whatley should start your own think tank, I mean Stink tank

[Arch Stanton]

On Robot Sex: [Fez's reasoning]

I would never have sex with a child, but a slave child, yeah.

[Turtle]

Caller: They have talking vibrators
Ron: I know I got one making my fucking football picks.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

caller: You know they have talking vibrators now...
Ron: Oh yeah? What do they say, "BBRRRMMZZZTTT?"

[Arch Stanton]

Robots are coming. And they are coming!!!! The Japanese are seeing to that!
__________________

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: So the blow up doll was small and I popped it and air came out
Ron: Out of your penis?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, I'm not going back to the robot-fucking...I gotta get out of this mess. Ron & Fez.....

[Arch Stanton]

Earl you are no longer Mr Perfect

You are now Mr Shifect

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "When the robot army is coming we will look for humans to connect with. Trust the Japanese are seeing to that, The robots are coming."
Fez: "There is a scientist who is saying in 5 years we will be having sex with robots".
Ron: "Wait...Let me change everything I just said".

[Arch Stanton]

In reference to people nit-picking a free Radiohead Album:

People are assholes...we all agree with that...we all agree with that

[krisko]

what am i supposed to do, live like a fuckin eggplant? no offense earl i meant the vegatable.

[mikek]

(about Fez)

I am terrified that he's going to die, and the cat will eat his face.

[Arch Stanton]

If I can't climb the stairs I'm gonna sit with a shotgun. What do ya want me to do, sit like an Eggplant?
No Offense Earl, I meant the vegetable.


{edit*This has to be in the top 5 all time lines in here}

[TonyBagels]

(about sandwiches that Haas brought in)

You know what I'd yell at this sandwich? "You're so damn delicious!"

[TonyBagels]

(after Dave said something stupid involving Casey)

By the way, Casey said you have to pick up dinner tonight. God she's Yoko. You know what I'd like to do? Tape her eyes back

[TonyBagels]

Why doesn't the show end like this: My name is Earl Douglas and I enjoyed working as part of the show.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Why don't you end the show like this? "My name is Earl Douglas and it was very nice working here for the last couple of years. I will be sure to check in with updates every once in a while now that I've left. And Fez Whatley turned out to be an Executive Producer just as disorganized as I was." THAT would be a great way to end today's show

[BroGonzo]

Talking about Fez detoxing from Effexor:

Fez: "...None of it's fun."
Ron: "Or interesting. That's the weird thing. You'd think with a junkie you'd at least get an interesting story or two. But this... this is just more of an annoyance."

[mikek]

[talking about Halloween costumes]

Casey's going to dress up in a white wig & bracelet to see if Dave will love her.

[BroGonzo]

"There is no place in today's world for a mint. We have tiny little pieces of paper that we put on our tongue, and we can get all the refreshment we need out of that."

[Awful Me]

Ronnie B on the possible lyrics of the Soulja Boy song Crank That:


When they say "Now Whatley" they all act like they faint.

[BroGonzo]

After ripping on Dave for his mom/girlfriend mixup:

Ron: "I've got news for ya, Oedipus. That's the weirdest shit ever."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Wasn't that an Eric Clapton song, Whores in Heaven? "Would you eaaat my ass....if you blew me in Heaven?"

[BroGonzo]

"Help me break into hell and get Fez."

[BroGonzo]

Ron: "Fuck him."
Earl: "I wouldn't put it like that..."
Ron: "I was speaking for the Lord when I said that. Hypothetically."

[MilkmanDan]

(On outdated team names)

"The Chicago Bears? Jesus christ, why not the Chicago drunk Polish guys"

[Arch Stanton]

Wonder why I never heard of the Wisconson Team, Oh yeah, they never played in a national game.