Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: Jimmy Levit Started that team

Ron: From Fucking Levittown?

[Arch Stanton]

Pensacola? Makes me so thirsty. Sounds like a new cola.

[Arch Stanton]

The panhandle is disgusting

[Arch Stanton]

Ron:250 is nothing for Queer Eye

Fez: Queer Eye???

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:

I want two horses with a net come up from behind you and drag you to a cave

[Arch Stanton]

To DAve:

You got confused between girlfriend and Mother. Tha's the classic fucking mental illness of all time.
Freud made an Empire on this stuff.

[TonyBagels]

(about mental help)

Dave: I don't want anyone touching my brain, Mr. Bennington.
Ron: You'd be lucky if they find it.

[Arch Stanton]

I am your Doctor...We're going to bury him alive for the Weekend and when we dig him up he will be cured

[TonyBagels]

(during BxJ's segment)

I'm so, sorry that I didn't think of this in my darker days. If you wanna do a bump, you're gonna have to do a cum bump.

[Standby]

Randy (or was it his brother?): Surprise he doesn't like pussy.
Ron: We don't grab the low hanging fruit around here.

[BigRavenPAUL]

About Earl's new gf:

"You know his theory, the whiter the berry, the less black she is."

[Arch Stanton]

Randy (or was it his brother?): Surprise he doesn't like pussy.
Ron: We don't grab the low hanging fruit around here.

We don't go for the obvious ones. We leave that for other shows.:clap:

[TonyBagels]

(about Casey in the coffin)

Ron: You think we'd be able to get her in there and close the cover with her perfect titties?
Fez: No, they'd moosh.
Dave: Well, I am sitting here.
Ron: No, I said perfect.

[Twetty McBeakum]

Earl: I want a silver cup. I want to be burned up.

Ron: I'll do it now. Seriously, if I can light you on fire I'll take 30 minutes off Fez

[TonyBagels]

(about getting in the coffin)

Fez: It's gonna be dark and hot in there.
Ron: Well, think of it like this. I'll be right out here in all of this air.

[Danesy]

"Fuck David Blaine"

Thought that was hysterical!!!

[Danesy]

Fezzie" "I don't even know how to get in"
Ronnie "Just get in like you're gettin' in a coffin"

[TonyBagels]

(as he gets in)

Fez: It's much smaller than I thought it would be.
Ron: Just think of it as a tiny coffin.

[TonyBagels]

(after Dave f's up the mic and headphones)
I can't fuckin' stand him.

[TonyBagels]

(after Fez gets in)

The weird thing is I'm actually starting to feel bad, like we're really saying goodbye to Fez. Goodbye to my troubles.

[TonyBagels]

Mikeyboy, I hope you're happy. 'Cause this is all for you and those God Damn listeners that want and want and want, and are never satisfied

[Danesy]

Paul O "Does anyone know the exact time you can go in a coffin?"
Ronnie "I am hoping 2 hours ... hoping 2 hours"

[TonyBagels]

That's great, this studio's great for coffin shows.

[Danesy]

Earl "You're not putting me in a god damned box"
Ronnie "We already fuckin' did"

[MilkmanDan]

(Fez buried in the other room)

Paul-O : Its your typical Vampire fare, they're all evil
Ron : How many Coffins would you give it?
Paul-O : 6 1/2
Fez : Hey!

[Danesy]

Ronnie "Fez, you want any pizza or anything"
Fezzie "I can't have pizza in here"
Ronnie "we can slide it through"

[TonyBagels]

(to Fez)

You're not even making sense, Sierra Mist

[goldenbunz]

Paul O - That's the worst way to die.
Ron - What's the best way Paul?
Paul - Drugs and alcohol
Ron - I miss her too Paul.

[krisko]

caller: i'm an ICU nurse
Ron: you're an ICU nurse? that's crazy, you sound just like a man

[Twetty McBeakum]

If I was a chick I'd fuckin go down on Gene Hackman in a heartbeat

[BroGonzo]

"A babyfucks Thanksgiving. That sounds nice."

[BroGonzo]

"'If he comes back tomorrow, I will call him two-socks.' Shut the fuck up! I'm going to go watch Goodfellas again and see how you stole the Oscar from Marty."

[krunk]

We have so many welchers here this should be the ron and grape juice show

[Arch Stanton]

When I found Bronx Johnny he had no hair and was very frail. So I held him everyday and fed him from an eye dropper.

[Standby]

Fez: He arrives in a handsome cab.
Ron: Well it's good-looking... I don't know if I'd say handsome...

Just a silly line like that... and still hilarious.

[Friday]

10/22/07 - Ronnie B Final Solution:

"Kill the Children..."

..."any kid over 14 should be shot and then stacked like firewood."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The snow birds are people you dumb fuck.

[TonyBagels]

(about Than & Sam being privileged, to Sam)

I got it from Than. He said to Lilly, "I'm too rich and lazy to fuck you. Why don't you blow me?"

[TonyBagels]

(after an Arch Stanton call in)

Arch, you're the best. Thanks for sounding like Vos.

(this is not a repeat, although it seems it, it was said today.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: It's odd that Earl left you alone

Ron: When I'm paying the CHECK!!!

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Casey says Ron Wood is doing Letterman Oct 21st you dumb N".
Earl: "She said that".
Ron:"That is not the part you should be focusing on"

[mikek]

Ron: Is anyone cool from Colorado?

[TonyBagels]

(about emotional attachment)

I would want to operate on my own child. If I had the the skills and I knew that I was the best doctor, I would want to operate on my own kid.

[TonyBagels]

(further discussion of being the best at what you do (see last post)

Ron: Earl, what about you?
Earl: I would do it (operate on his own kid).
Ron: First of all, we'd have to find something you're actually be good at.

[TonyBagels]

I used to speed date all the time. I'd excuse myself, go into the bathroom, do a couple rails of crystal meth...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: My line would be, "You ever cum while on Crystal Meth?? The rush is amazing!"
Earl: How many of them said yes?
Ron: Pfft...half

[Arch Stanton]

Ron:What do you like Earl?
Earl:I like it shaved completely.
Ron:Like a 12 year old boys tight ass?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Bring lilly in here....Lilly , I want to thank you so much for bring back the Seattle look, I was worried no one was going to do that".

[BroGonzo]

(Responding to Black Earl's placement of the Preakness in the top five sporting events)

Ron: The PREAKNESS? First of all, for you, it's Freak-Nik. What's the over-under on r@pes this year?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Here's JC...and I really hope it's Jesus Christ. Go ahead JC!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I'm done buying into this fucking 2 party system!
ESD: So am I!!!! That's why I'm not going to vote!!
Ron: GOOD! I don't want you standing behind a curtain making decisions that effect the future of this country!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Well Nicole Kidman is a very nice alabaster redhead
Ron: Yeah and she's a woman...you look like someone jizzed in a fishbowl

[Friday]

About ESD - while talking to Pat 'the Bachelor':

"Normally when you get a tongue lashing from him, it means he ate your ass"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Patty, what's the name of her band?
Pat: Nicole Adtkins and the Seas
Ron: The cunts?
ESD: As in the ocean?
Pat: Hehehe..yeah as in the ocean
Ron: Oh...I was wrong there I guess

[aldog]

ESD: My wife will sometimes bring her furry child into bed with us.
Ron: And by that you mean her vagina.

[bucket-of-aids]

ESD: Yeah Fez, my brother likes the doors.

Fez: I don't like the doors.

Ron: You like cock.

[Arch Stanton]

When it gets to the end...you want to do it again

[Arch Stanton]

Looks at Fez:
This fucker could get a steamed noodle hard

I can get a hard on watching cartoons

[Arch Stanton]

If I was a gay guy I would want to be with an impetant guy with a big fat ass.

Fez: Why?

So I can get that fat ass

[Arch Stanton]

Not too quickly and brutally, nice easy and slowly, like teaching a baby how to swim.

[Arch Stanton]

Opie and Anthony,,would you like to get in between those guys?

Fez: Getting close

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron (as Dave's gay brother): You know for your first time, I thought you'd be tighter. It's like sticking my dick out a bay window...

[Monsue28]

Ron: who was that girl.... She was stunning
Buddy: Was She?
Ron. WHAATT ARE YOU... FEZZ Watley?

[TonyBagels]

(about the Wackbag gift of the Steve Carlton autgraphed picture)

I look at it each time before I go out {for the show} and go, "Lefty, you played for a losing team too..."

[jimmyolsenblues]

Topic: Something invented 100 years ago that Fez uses everday, Ron's guess:

Ron:"Is it Hawaiian Batman shirts?".
Fez:"No I wish".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

I'm sure it's here, but it's so good it could be here 3000 times...


Ron: I live in the future and it blows like the friggin' present!

[mongoose]

Can't believe nobody posted this from yesterday

When Mr. B was trying to convince Fez to go to LA to hook up with Daves bro:

Fez: I don't even know this guy...

Ron: Wait till he pumps a quart of cum up your ass, then you'll know all you need to know about him...

[Goober]

In the discussion of Ellen and that dumb dog controversy.....

Dave: "No one has sympathy for millionaires anymore"

Ron: "Ouch"

[too4flynchen]

Just before hanging up on David Arquette:

David: So if you see the movie and dig it, talk about it. <click>

Ron: Ya - I did see it............

the pause was gold.

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Neil Young's mutton chops:

"Those are 40-year mutton chops. He looks like he's ready to shoot Aaron Burr"

[BeersOnTheBoat]

About Neil Young.

"I'd never get on a plane with him. Muther fucker would strap a bomb on himself for the glory of Canada."

[KNUCKLEUP]

"Helpful hint in case the rabbits take over; I'll have a hose in one hand and a blow-dryer in the other. ...also, super glue on a fish's gills. Hilarious."

[ChrisH]

Caller: "Earl is a lazy n****r."
Ron: "Earl, are you?"

[TonyBagels]

(about Lisa Kudrow)

She's hideous. She's the ugliest friend.

And that includes David Schwimmer.

[TonyBagels]

Dave: He's a great guy.
Ron: what am I, shit?

[Standby]

"You can't answer the phone when you're hanging yourself."

[TonyBagels]

Ron: Fez, you read the bible. What would King Soloman do with Lilly.
Fez: He would split her..
Ron: ...OK, well I get the bottom half. I'm not gonna tell you what I'm gonna do with it.

[krisko]

(caller talking about how NAS's new album is called Ni**Er)
Ron: this is going to surprise you but i'm not all that familiar with NAS's new album

[TonyBagels]

Same thing. Puerto Ricans are Mexicans that can swim.

[TonyBagels]

(caller talking about how NAS's new album is called Ni**Er)
Ron: this is going to surprise you but i'm not all that familiar with NAS's new album

followed up with:

I'm just gonna call stores and ask if they have it.

[maz]

there are some things white people didn't invent
FUBU

[TonyBagels]

(the speech to get Fezzie in the coffin)

Ron: You're at a crossroads. You know there's some people like..and when this happened they were like 'Fez will not do tis. He won't follow through.' But you don't know this mom like I do. I've seen this man in a g-string in public. I've seen this man in a giant manatee costume with people throwing heads of lettuce at him. I've seen the stuff he's done in the past. This is not Fez Whatley. This is Fez Mother Fuckin' Whatley, a GOD DAMN legend in this business, Fez. there's an old saying: You live fast, die young, you leave a good looking corpse. Well, you blew that. You had that opportunity in '94 and you lived. Now, you can do it one more time. One more time, you can shock people and you can be the big cat. and you can walk down that aisle the way you did so many times before and show people you're Fez Mother Fuckin' Whatley. You're the Big Cat. There ain't a stunt in the history of radio that you can't pull off. I know it and you know it. Yeah, you lost a step. I ain't gonna lie to you. You're dying your hair. You've got a couple of stents in your chest. But you're still Fez Whatley. You're still the legend. Now, you can turn back from this and I'll fight everybody with you..I'll battle 'em all, day after day of this..Or you can be the man and walk and lay in that coffin, and show them up. Do something Earl couldn't do, ahh all these young guys wouldn't do, one after another, Dave, Hicks they couldn't do it. But they don't have your history, my man. They ain't been to the places you've been before, haven't seen the sites you've seen. It's up to you Big Cat, what are you gonna do?

Fez: I'm gonna get in the coffin.

[mikek]

To a tearing-up Fez: "You seeing one of your nut doctors tonight?"

[mikek]

[on monday]

I'm surprised at you, <caller>. Fez is having a rough day. He hasn't had one since Friday.

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron to caller: You want to know why we are in modern times Robert? WHITE PEOPLE!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The second Fez perks back up and comes back, you go right back over there to answering the phones...
ESD: Oh please no...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Maybe there's a dimension where I can't get a word in edgewise. "Goddamn, Fez you're on fuckin' fire!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Sometimes I just like doing that...just stop talking. If I didn't talk all you'd have in here is fucking WINDCHIMES!!

[Arch Stanton]

Attack challenge to Wackbag pests!

Attck Groz or you are all toothless wimpy pests

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: I think everyone has a lot of Tina in them...
Ron: Oh yeah? Well I've got a lot of Ike in me, so I'm going to beat you up and take your money

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Yup...dressing it up and scamming for drinks
Ron: .....and women wonder why they get *****

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What'd your boy go as?
Jay Mohr: He was a Storm Trooper
ESD: Star Wars or as a Nazi
Jay: Nazi, of course
Ron: I saw Anthony dress up like that once, but it wasn't for Halloween. He was on his way to a rally!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Ronnie, scariest movie of all time, still gives me nightmares....White Man's Burden
Ron: I think that's a shot at you Earl...
Earl: Yeah it definitely was. What's that, where the Black man's in control?
Ron: No, that's Planet of the Apes

[Arch Stanton]

Is Groz listening to the show? Or is he too busy returning fucking other people's books.

[BeersOnTheBoat]

Caller: Ronnie, scariest movie of all time, still gives me nightmares....White Man's Burden
Ron: I think that's a shot at you Earl...
Earl: Yeah it definitely was. What's that, where the Black man's in control?
Ron: No, that's Planet of the Apes

Damn it, beat me to it....

But, gets my vote for line if the year
:clap::clap::clap::clap:

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Think about it as "doing good for the show"...what'd happen is you'd leave and I'd open up a phone book, point at a name, and make the show better

[TonyBagels]

(after Dave parrots something Lilly said earlier)

Ron: Oh, now you're Lilly.
Dave: No, I wouldn't say that.
Ron: Well, you both know how Jonafin tastes like

[TonyBagels]

You're like a MINF: Mother I'd Never Fuck

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I hate to say it, he's the first fuckable one yet!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Lets bring up our last contestant Groz...he looks like "I've got to take my cousin to the prom........and I've got to blow him"

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave during Galloween:

Bull dyke prison tats don't work

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:

You've got way too much shoulder to be a woman.

[TonyBagels]

(after Lilly gives BabyLove an almond joy)

First of all, what baby loves coconut? It's like giving babies shredded paper.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You've got the brain of a 2 year old and the balls of an 80 year old Jew!

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, what do ya have for the kids? Free Government Cheese?

[TonyBagels]

(about Cheney's hunt)

First of all, it's a private hunting ground. They grow pheasants there. They give you a shotgun and they tie the pheasant to the end of it.

[Dr. Hoffman]

"What do you tythe...10%"?

"Yeah, 10%"

"So they're basically getting 10% of nothing"

Talking to Earl about how much of his money is going to pay off the soldiers family.

[LiddyRules]

Shirley: "I don't want to know about your dark, evil heart."
Ron *aside*: "Well that's a book in itself."

[MilkmanDan]

(On Shirley Ropers travelling singing mess)

Ron : "You're kind of like a Christian Partridge Family"

[Arch Stanton]

Phone Guest: Can I say Dog Pooped on the rug?

Ron: Nah, you can say Shit

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Gives card number

Ron: Yeah...hooah

[Arch Stanton]

About Dave:

Take the pretzels away from him. I don't even like a bit about choking. I have a thing about choking.

[Arch Stanton]

Quoting Don Vito :

Kill Me Now!!! My legs are broke. Just Kill Me!!!

[Dr. Hoffman]

"You oughta walk out, you oughta quit."

Talking to Dave. Frankly this is the smartest thing Ronny has ever said on air.

[CoalShoveler]

"Looks like I can spend that abortion money this month."

Euphemism for a girl being on her period.

[oandapartycock]

When talking about the peanut allergy craze (which appears to be brought on by women eating more peanuts while pregnant and nursing), a caller calls in to say she craved peanut butter like crazy while pregnant and now her son can't breath if he eats just one peanut:

Ron: So how's it feel to be the world's worst mother?

[oandapartycock]

When talking about average life span of black people with Earl:

Ron: Earl's uncle died by natural causes. He was shot by a police man.

[Sinn Fein]

Earl should only be allowed to eat watermelon on the air.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : "Earl, whats the scariest animal to you, White Sheriff?"

[TonyBagels]

(10-26, about rabbits not being able to make sounds)

A scream comes out of it. Put a blowtorch on a rabbit and I guarantee you that fuckin’ sound will stay with you for a long time…Oh will it

[TonyBagels]

(10-26)

Caller: Rabbits are very trainable.
Ron: OK, then get a bunch of them to pull a wagn and then I’ll believe you.

[TonyBagels]

(10-26, to Earl)

You’re a proud black man. Id go as far as say American.

[TonyBagels]

(10-26)

Ron: It’s very difficult for me to sleep a full night. And there’s only one reason.
Dave: Why’s that?
Ron: My sins. My sins wake me. The screams of the innocent ring in my ears!

[FAZ8218]

Talking about Santa Claus and when they found out he didn't exist:
Lilly: I ruined it for my whole class!
Ron: Of course you did you little muslim whore.

[sd187]

ESD: (Dog the Bounty Hunters son) can't hold Dog's jockstrap...
RON: Why would he want to?

[Friday]

to Dave, re; the writing strike:

"Are you on strike, or just not talented?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I just don't get it. No matter how bad you look, if you can play guitar you're going to get laid. We should all hold guns to our sons heads and say, "You play this until you get some models"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dave: I'll never forgive my parents for not--
Ron: I'll never forgive your parents for not aborting you!
Dave: --making me play guitar...

[Haeder]

"I just yelled out - point to the finish line."

The Great Ron Bennington in reference to Katie Holmes running by his place while smuggling raisins in the front of her shirt during the NY marathon.

[Arch Stanton]

So I clapped at 1 runner. His shirt said...Heart Transplant. I said to myself, he is running with someone elses heart.

So I shouted at him .....If you win, it doesn't count.

[Sack of Chisels]

"My favorite album of the year (I still haven't heard it) NiggyTardust!"

[Arch Stanton]

Womans Lib? It's 2 people preferrably 3 deciding what to do as adults and do something together.

[Arch Stanton]

College? It's extended High School

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Take Marijuana, which I am smoking right now

Ron: How Cool!!!

[Arch Stanton]

Your out Your out...Your out as much as Sheepy.

[Arch Stanton]

What is it with Homeless People stopping in front of Churches and making it a moment singing and carrying on. Hey, move along with your cart, I have things to do.

[Arch Stanton]

You ever notice that everytime you turn on the TV the Godfather is on?

[Arch Stanton]

Phillip Seymour Hoffman may be our Dustin Hoffman

[Hidden_Rage]

*talking about capes*

Earl: I would try to be batman
Ron: Blackman?

[Arch Stanton]

To Earl and Fez:

You two are like the Black and White Cookie...Perfect

[Arch Stanton]

To Earl and Fez:

When you are feeling down, you 2 can just lie next to each other and do nothing.

Then you can say...this is when normal people have sex.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez, you are part of the Ron and Fez show, you whip out that dick and throw it around.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, lie down. get in your natural habitat and lie down

[Arch Stanton]

HAHA!!! Mikey D, you can't come in.

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:

Do me a favor and write me up a spot for your Father in Laws Comapany, Lazy Ass Stair Climbers

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : I don't want to exchange presents in studio this year.

Fez : WHY ?!

Ron : I don't like you.

[goldenbunz]

Talking about getting Lilly a pet turtle.

Lilly: You can't play fetch with a turtle

Ron: You can if you have the time.

[PMB917]

About the Steve Carlton ball:

Ron: This is perfect......for me to wrap up and give to my dad.

[Sack of Chisels]

"when i was a kid, warming up, the ONLY shots i took were fuckin circus shots! a warmup to me was shooting off the hip from half court.... EHERRRRRRRHGHHH!!!!"

[TonyBagels]

Fez, you are part of the Ron and Fez show, you whip out that dick and throw it around.

-Ahem- Here's the quote as I noted it.

(to Fez)
I'll tell you something. You're on the Ron & Fez show. I say throw that dick, 'You fuckin' like that!?'

[TonyBagels]

To Dave:

Do me a favor and write me up a spot for your Father in Laws Comapany, Lazy Ass Stair Climbers

(and later: )

Lazy Escalators

[TonyBagels]

(11-06, about Don Shula's restaurants)

Dave: I'll stick with LT's, Jersey Shore.
Ron: Bump and Beer!

[TonyBagels]

(11-06)

I feel like Lilly on Christmas, like I don't belong.

[TonyBagels]

(11-6)

Caller: Hey there b-b-boys.
Ron: That's O&A. But thanks for calling. {hangs up}

[TonyBagels]

(10-26, Photoshop Mike brings in pastries)

PSMike: I like the rum ones.
Ron: Well, I gotta stay away from them. Why not get me a heroin biscuit.

[TonyBagels]

(11-6, about the Toots Shur ashtray)

Fez: Well you should still have it, but it went mysteriously out the window.
Ron: What's so mysterious? It sucked so it went out the window.

[TonyBagels]

(11-6, imitating Earl, about his shitty opening music)

Ah, I've got Stairway. I'd like to start this thing off with Free Bird.

[TonyBagels]

(11-6, to Earl about his Sunday routine with his family, putting a new twist on one of his famous lines)

What would brunch be, chicken and waffles? Oh God, I'd fuckin' kill for some chicken and waffles.

[TonyBagels]

11-6 (I'm paraphrasing)

These '72 Dolphins are the worst and meanest group of old people since World War 2 vets.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ask her if I can come
Lilly: Oh, pfshaw...you're all ready on the list
Ron: On her back

[krisko]

talking about West Side:
i gave her reeses pieces, doesn't mean i loved her, i just wanted her to follow me back to the house.

[Arch Stanton]

About UFO sighting in 1967:

Earl, what do you think they were, angels....Flying Monkeys?

( A minute goes by then Dave starts laughing as well as Fez then Ron explains how he wasn't going to say it then starts singing the Bicycle music from the Wizard of Oz)

[RMPGP]

About Dave's Exgirlfriend who looks like ET: "I gave her a reeses pieces, doesn't mean I'm in love with her, I just wanted her to follow me back to the house"

[TonyBagels]

(older one)

Earl: I'm really hardline against abortion.
Ron: Well lucky for you, you don't fuck.

[Chuck Schick]

Ron: What would you rather see, a flying monkey or an angel?

Earl: An angel.

Ron: Not me.

[Wilmington WOW]

earl you game me 12 good minutes

bring in pitsie from the pen

[mmaalum97]

Talking about movies with Paul O Ron Says:

"You want my review? 'I won't see it.' I hope they put that on the DVD cover 'I won't see it!' - Ron Bennington, Ron and Fez Show"

[krisko]

Earl: I'd take a bullet for you Ronnie

Ron: Out of the gun that I'm shooting at you?

[krisko]

Fez: I don't want to have to bring food down to Dave on the picket line
Ron: If you do could you bring me some too?
Fez: you're not on strike
Ron: I know but i'm starvin

[krisko]

when dave was outside picketing:

Dave, can we get you anything? A coat, some common sense?

[Friday]

While Dave is outside protesting the show:

"We can't leave now..... unless somebody rolls a ball and he chases it. Then this whole thing will be over."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So Dave decided to walk out on the Ron & Fez Show after the Bob Bobberson bit...eventhough he's not a paid writer for this show and nor is it television. So I guess his fate is in XM's hands, and I, uh...couldn't care less actually. It truly means nothing to me

[krisko]

I am the biggest Marie Osmond fan, which means barely.

[krisko]

talking about fez's stupid worm infested cat

Fez: This cat has done nothing but screw me

Ron: well, now you have worms

Fez: not that kind of screwing

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dave: What's going on here?
Ron: Just some girl sleeping on the couch. She must really be exhausted, she didn't even budge when I felt her up

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Go put that in Earl's Lie of the Day (http://wackbag.com/showthread.php?t=68012)...which may be passing Line of the Day (http://wackbag.com/showthread.php?t=42314)it's coming on so fast

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I don't even know if those guys have teets, but they have so many people sucking off of them it's insane. Between the comedians & their do-nothing staff...

[TonyBagels]

(older ones I found noted in my car)

On paper, yeah it looks good, but so did Communism.

[TonyBagels]

(old note)

Dave: It's more than my brain can comprehend.
Ron: Please. Fuckin', Mother Goose is more than your brain can comprehend.

[TonyBagels]

(oldie, about Earl)

Dave: He disappears into the shadows.
Ron: Hey, come on. Let's not be racist here. He can't help it. You know what we're gonna do, we're gonna get him a miner's hat.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Frenchie: In the Pest Family...there are like 40 people
Ron: If I was in your family, there'd be incest

[Chuck Schick]

I never would have thought the "N" stood for nap.

[TonyBagels]

(about Earl)

Ron: what else does people call him?
Dave: Ah, NT for nap time
Ron: I would have never thought the n stood for nap.

[TonyBagels]

(about cyber squatting)

Ron: And try to get that other name I came up with back.
Fez: Really, what's that?
Ron: Google

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, so the last time you were with a woman Happy Days was still on Tuesday nights, right?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Earl: I never pissed in a pool
ESD: You never pissed in a pool once Earl?
Ron: I pissed in the pool; standing on the diving board.

[jimmyolsenblues]

BobBob: "I think its Fez's betting that ruining me"
Fez: "I think its Thumbs like Hot dogs that ruining it"
Ron: "What a great name for a band, "Thumbs like Hot Dogs", who the fuck would not want to see them".

[Chuck Schick]

There's two things you are Earl, African and lazy.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "You know how much money it takes to raise kids, all of it , i don't care who the fuck you are , if you are digging a ditch , or donald trump, you are looking in your wallet, what are they doing with that fucking money, that is why guys stop off for a drink on friday cause that is the last money you'll see. they just keep spending money and eat like Ms.PacMan. you might as well slice your dick and balls. You know how much kids cost, all of it. Every dime".

[Chuck Schick]

Ron on how his parents never read to him:

I remember going to school and being like 'what are these things with paper inside?' I don't remember any story books, but I do remember my dad reading the paper bitching. 'Why are these fucking gas prices so high?'

[Arch Stanton]

About Books:

I remember going to School and wondering what this thing was with paper in the middle of it. I thought it was a Cartoon but nothing was moving.

[Arch Stanton]

This Psychiatrist is stealing from you Fez. You are not getting better

[Arch Stanton]

Earl you are like 6 year old. I gotta give ya a car to push back and forth to get anything out of ya.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl:
I am getting a cold.

Ron: Just go home, rest and look at the want ads.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, I didn't pay attention to the first fucking 114 times you cleared your throat. 115 and I can't let it fuckin' go by anymore.You are just looking to not be in this room.

[Arch Stanton]

If I saw a play like Finding Nemo I would fucking open up my veins.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "The first 114 times Earl cleared his throat I was fine, 115 drove me up a wall, I wanted to put a spike through my eye".

[Chuck Schick]

I love the Charlie Brown Winter Carnival Show...and the Grinch Who Stole Winter Carnival.

[Arch Stanton]

I threw up a rainbow

[Chuck Schick]

Lilly: I think we should do secret Santa.

Ron: How about secret Allah?

[Chuck Schick]

Fez knows what its like to have kids. He has a cat with an impacted colon.

[BroGonzo]

Discussing finding a date for Fez:

Melinda: You could start slow...
Ron: Yeah, blow a retard.

[Arch Stanton]

I can't be with someone who is always fucking my friends.

[TonyBagels]

Dave: (about Patti's not bringing a side dish to the Parade of Sides) I want to eat.
Ron: Her Pussy?

[PEST BY TRADE]

"He's rubbing himself on O&A's pole"

Ronny B about drunk dave pole dancing...

[JOHNNY HAIRDO]

"Spielberg can do no wrong in my eyes, that's why I call him the magic jew."

[Sack of Chisels]

"you paid $160 for a turkey? WERE THEY LAUGHING WHEN THEY HUNG UP???"

[thefirebuilds]

Couple from my hero, delivery important on these...

"A horse is running down the street. Shut the barn door! Quickly!"

"I love phobias. I find them almost...exciting!"

[thefirebuilds]

"It's about being friends with indians."

"and family!"

"NO, NOT FAMILY. indians."

[thefirebuilds]

"LINCOLN PARK! That was the park where Lincoln was shot. Not a lot of people know that."

[Sack of Chisels]

"You're the earth two martin luther king.... you're fucking martin luther pawn"

[KNUCKLEUP]

On 'Shiny Happy People' by R.E.M.:

"This song would be perfect if you want to get rid of a hard on."

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "You had women who had make up put on by earl scheib".

[KNUCKLEUP]

"On Kwanza, we all go out and steal fuckin hubcaps."

[Wilmington WOW]

Originally said by Ronnie B.
remember when Fredo Manning dropped the gun and cried when Archie Manning was shot

lol

[TheTruth]

"I jack on my way to a manaja"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Needles will fall off your tree unless you keep in it a bucket of water like some scumbag, you know why I have a house is because I don't want to live under a tree".

[TonyBagels]

(about knowing if someone is attracted to you)

Men know instantly. You know how to tell if a man is attracted to a girl? If she has a vagina.

[KNUCKLEUP]

on a 30-ft jesus:

"jesus was so tall they had to hang him on a couple of telephone poles."

[Arch Stanton]

Thinking about what he would say to his Father who saw his Father for the first time and it was in a coffin:

Did ya push it over? Push it over and yell FUCK YOU!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I've gotta get down to New Orleans some time
Lilly: Yeah...it was a shitty city, but the restaurant was great
Ron: What do you expect, it got hit by a hurricane! That's like seeing someone who has cancer and saying, "Geez, you're so skinny, Baldie!"

[Chuck Schick]

Ron talking about Guitar Hero:

Its like masturbation with a child's dildo.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Have you guys seen that Frank Calliendo show?
Fez: No...
Ron: Is he still friends with O&A?
Dave: Yeah
Ron: Oh...then it's a passable show

[Arch Stanton]

Anybody seen that Frank Caliendo show?
Dave: Nope
Is he still friends with O and A?
Dave: Yes
Then it is great.

[Arch Stanton]

About Caliendo:

He was doing Trump for 5 mins and I didn't know it until I saw a Trump sign in the background.

[TanukiPajama]

About driving drunk at night:

The only thing to do now is to fuckin drive around with a fishing pole and act like you just woke up.

[TanukiPajama]

Pitzy's dad left when he was 6 months old:

You must have been the worst kid ever. Seriously, your shit musta just been diabolical. Like, "I gotta go. This kid shits like an Italian."

[maz]

if you live out in the country somewhere
you could be driving along
throwing fuckin' hand grenades
out the window
and you ain't gonna hurt anybody

[TonyBagels]

Ron: This is a Pre-IMus world.
Dave: Pre-Imus?
Ron: Yeah, he's coming back

[TonyBagels]

(about Guitar Hero)

This should be on Cowbell Hero

[TonyBagels]

(about Tiki Barber not playing)

I now hate Ronde Barber. There is not enough room in Tiki for my hate for him.

[TonyBagels]

I'll tell you guys what. If a fuckin' hot chick came in here and put here tits one the glass there, I'm fuckin' off mic. Go to best-of.

[Arch Stanton]

I'm pushing this bet between you and Earl to Jan 1st

[mikek]

About Fez watching shows to replace those off the air due to the writers' strike:

Metaphorically, you've taken a giant Fez dump on a child's face.

[Arch Stanton]

So after the Thanksgiving game Romo went to Jessica Simpsons Family to spend Thanksgiving Dinner with them He met the Father OJ and apparantly the Mother is dead.

[Chuck Schick]

Dave: Now do you consider Die Hard to be a Christmas film?

Ron: No. I don't even consider it to be a film.

[Chuck Schick]

If something is worth doing, its worth doing poorly.

(Words of wisdom Lloyd...words of wisdom).

[LiddyRules]

On 7-11 Conspirators* "They're crazy! They say it's just one flavor and they keep changing the colors!"

[Arch Stanton]

I'd kill to be surrounded by Men in here just one day.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl's crying.....

Ron:You know we already got someone who does this act, right? We can't have everyone doing the same character....

[Turtle]

Ron: Earl, you want to jump back into your old spot? Go on big girl, have a seat.

[Chester'sLiver]

Talking about women and what they talk about...
"If you want to hold our attention talk about your vagina.."

[Chester'sLiver]

Talking to Earl...
"I consider you am American African"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I went through a Tequila Sunrise faze, I am not going to lie to about that". (made me laugh out loud in cubeland)

[jimmyolsenblues]

ESD: "When adults drink the room felt better like love"
Ron: "That's was alcohol is....love".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Was it tight?
Lilly: Don't lie
Jivin: Yes, it was tight
Ron: Was it like fucking a hairline fracture?

[hoo cares]

Ron: Was it tight?
Lilly: Don't lie
Jivin: Yes, it was tight
Ron: Was it like fucking a hairline fraction?

Or fracture

Sorry...Had to fuck with you because I'm jealous of your avatar and sig. :icon_mrgr

[thefirebuilds]

"What were you doing all night? Pissing yourself?" - Ron Bennington

[Ball of Hate]

Ron: Going up against my parents was like going against Demolition. They were a well oiled machine.

[thefirebuilds]

"I told my father-in-law this, and I wish I was making it up. "If you ever see me coming: Jump a fence, cuz I'm coming fast."" - Ronnie B.

"Just lean in real close and polite like so no one else can hear you and say "I will punch your fucking heart out of your chest."" - Ronnie B.

[sd187]

"You want to change your tampooni?" to a blubbering earl

[TonyBagels]

Now this may surprise you guys, I was a bit of a wise-ass in my youth.

[krisko]

Dave talking about how he is the man in his relationship

ron: that paycheck you bring hom is even smaller than that little dick of yours.

[KNUCKLEUP]

on alcohol-induced lesbian experiences:

"i've been drunk plenty of times and i've never sucked a dick."

[TonyBagels]

Now Earl, you've said you were in a menage once, but it was with two other guys.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ronnie: (to Earl) "You wouldn't suck a cock to save a baby's life?"
Earl: "I would do that."
Ronnie: "COCKSUCKER!!!!"

[BigWilly]

Ron: What do they (non-whites) make fun of? Multiple houses?

[KNUCKLEUP]

on earl's asexuality:

"i don't care if you have the crotch of a barbie doll; i accept you!!"

[StonerJack]

From Monday
On Earl being crazy.

Dave: He needs serious help, he needs to go to the place from 12 monkeys.

Ron: That's racist, you racist.

Dave: I didn't even mean it like that.

Ron: ...........13 Monkeys.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron discussing the meanings of "porkchop"

Ron: And it also sometimes means ejaculate, like, "I just laid a pork chop on her back!"

[TonyBagels]

Hard Rock Johnny: The slaves used to eat lobsters.
Ron: Now they just eat shrimp.

[TonyBagels]

(BabyFuck Bash Promo)


At least I'm gonna try to get them to come together

[TonyBagels]

I'm gonna tell you right now, I don't think Jimmy Cagney paid 7 cents a burger

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Blowhard: What's the cheapest price you've ever payed for a Coke?
Ron: Ummm...I remember when you could get an 8th for $70
Blowhard: No, not drugs! I mean the soda!
Ron: OH!! I never drink that, the stuff's bad for you...

[TonyBagels]

I'm one of those guys that is a great player on a lousy team.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know, you can get AIDS just listening to that song...

[Turtle]

Ron: We are a nation of Earls…of lying, lazy people who get away with murder.

[Turtle]

Ron:A perfect storm of ineptitude, right Earl?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

in the Babyfuck Party read...

Ron: You got Babygirl in my Angelfuck!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

later in the same read...

Ron: Mmm...these two great tastes when they come together....at least I'm gonna try to make them cum together

[Stig]

"12:52 and we're just now noticing that Fez isn't here?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron <as devil>: Take the Jew wife for yourself and come live with us down in Hell...

[Arch Stanton]

Why is it that Whites can't laugh as hard as Black People?

[Arch Stanton]

What do ya got Homestar?

Homestar: And that's the end......

Ron: Oh No you didn't!!!!! Ahahahahaha!!!!!

Homestar: And That's...

Ron: OHHHH NOOO YOOOU Didn't !!!!!!!

[NortonsHeiny]

Speaking of Earls eating habits

Earl should host a show called the Bland Connoisser and it's about clear foods

[NortonsHeiny]

Speaking to Earl about his asexuality

Earl I accept you, I dont care if you have the crotch of a barbie doll

[NortonsHeiny]

On Al Dukes Philadelphia Song

That song could give you ear aids

[steveperry26]

about david blaine doing his card tricks to black people:
Thats what made that the greatest magic special in history, the way black people would lay down on the ground and dry swim to get away from the magic trick

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: My wife uses "snarky" all the time
Ron: Maybe she's talking about her vagina. "Who wants some snaaarrk-aayy?"

[maz]

talking about robin williams movies

caller: hey Ronnie how about club paradise , that was a funny movie

Ron: do you have a hammer ? i want you to break your radio

[mikek]

Eli Manning doesn't want to be in the NFL. It's time his dad & brother let him quit and do what he really wants: and that's dance.

[jimmyolsenblues]

ron: There a bottle place in Florida, that opened at 3 and closed at 9 in the morning. and at 5am they came out with miniature baloney sandwiches, and you just knew if you were in a bar at 5am eating a miniature baloney sandwich your life was going no where. one time these guys came in at 4:30am with shotguns, and laid them on the bar and traded them for coke to the bartender. that was the kind of place, and I don't want to name names.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Write this down..."2007 can suck a thick dick"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "2007 suck a thick dick"

[thefirebuilds]

"To do comedy you gotta have some shoes on."

[FAZ8218]

Talking about the Brits and Ricky Hatton:
"What is more hayseed and southern than a British person? They may be... and good news Kentucky... the stupidest white people"

[FAZ8218]

Talking about Oprah and Obama:
"I'm gonna see what Jenny Jones has to say. Goin a little old school..."

[FAZ8218]

Talking about plastic surgery...
Dave: Even if it goes well... it still comes out looking...
Ron: Like a snare drum!

[FAZ8218]

On the phone with Anthony talking about Babyfuck party:
Dave: I had things to do.
Ant: What did you have to do, that you couldn't come?
Ron: He had to listen to his chick.

[FAZ8218]

"Eli Manning does not want to be an NFL quarterback. His dad and his brother should just let him go do what he really wants to do... and that's dance."

[jimmyolsenblues]

ron: "Its a country of shit eaters"

[hudsonharden]

Ron (to Earl): You'd be 60 by the time the kid graduates from college
Fez: Well you can cut out the college part
Ron: No, I mean Grambling

[PMB917]

Ron referring to where Earls baby would goto college:

"Yale?? You'd be better off with y'all."

[FAZ8218]

"2008 is the year of the boundary for me, because 2007 can kiss my ass. 2007, you're an ass fingering bitch. And I can't wait to walk out on you because I'm gonna spend all my time with 2008."

[FAZ8218]

"How is a Haiku different from Hi-C?... because I know one of them is a refreshing beverage."

[Deadbent]

"Ya know who's the mark? The guy who can't spot the carnie."

"Alla you guys are the marks."

[ihhhhhh8thelibs]

I wouldn't even tell eva braun, "lose that baby !!!"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Fez, you look great today! look at you!............ walkin' around......................."

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Of course Maiden name, who would be named McDonald McDonald"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: And they keep playing the time when Nicholson farted out of his ass
Ron: ....why? Why do you get to speak?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Huckabee should just say "I believe a lot of crazy shit" and that's the end of it.

[Arch Stanton]

I think faking landing on the Moon is just as impressive as landing on the Moon.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Opie: We're so used to listening to the Ron & Fez show, and the Fez part is just fading away!
Ron: Yeah, it's like Earl...but with an enormous paycheck

[TonyBagels]

Earl, I hate to say it, but you may be my most masculine friend.

[TonyBagels]

(about taking drugs during delivery)

Let's face it, we're not going to have to talk Casey into taking drugs.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, your dick looks like someone left french bread in the oven too long!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And the #1...Spiderman 3
Fez: It was AWFUL
Sheepy: I walked out of it...
Ron: Why would you even walk into it?

[buffcomic]

Ron: "Huckabee should just say "I believe a lot of crazy shit" and that's the end of it.
Shit that was funny..

[Wilmington WOW]

ronnie on o&a discussing how Fez is fading away on the show

yet he manages to keep his name on the radio show. He may be the smartest guy in radio

[FAZ8218]

Talking about his 3 year old nephew.
"You're on your way to a lifetime to disregarding the law. Because laws don't pertain to you... do they cookie eater?"

[FAZ8218]

Talking about going to the doctor.
"Sleep it off... have some juice. Let me have some juice for this bullet wound."

[FAZ8218]

Talkin about his call into O&A
....
Fez: Well I'll apologize...
Ron: For what, livin' in an aquarium?

[FAZ8218]

Dave: Well Ringo Star was very sickly as a child and now he's one of the last two.
Ron: Yeah well one was killed by bullets. I don't care what kind of vitamins Lennon was taking...

[maz]

Earl do you watch any TV at all
or do you just sit home thinking up lies
for the next day ?

[yvj]

Ron: I would never in my life date a nurse. Fuck that you typhoid carrier.

BTW does anyone know what movie the clip from the beginning of Friday's show was from?

[NortonsHeiny]

On the moon landing...

I think that faking the moon landing is every bit as impressive as going to the moon

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding his visit to 125th St....

Yes, I come out at one in the morning and its just me and a bullet on the street

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And the black guy just got finished :rap:ing his sister...
Earl: Well, um...he will have his day in court
Ron: Let's face it Earl, all of you will get your day in court

[Chuck Schick]

Ron as Triangle Mouth:

I'm gonna get you East Side Dave! I'm gonna bite you with my triangle mouth!

[jimmyolsenblues]

earl "he will get his day in court"
ron: "all blacks get their day in court that is one thing for fucking certain."

[hudsonharden]

I don't see color; I only see lip size.

[Arch Stanton]

Ding...Earl's here


(this is after the discussion of Earl hearing dings in in stores thinking he is being followed as a suspicious character)

[jimmyolsenblues]

ron: "i do not look at color, i only look at lip size"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Caller:"My girlfriend and I had a big fight, she took her kid and moved out".
Ron:"At least it ended well".

[GDRC]

AskingEast Side Dave a question about a cleft pallet child:
Would you let him blow you?

[FAZ8218]

Talking about rap...
Dave: I don't think you can dance to "Piano Man"
Ron: I don't think you can listen to "Piano Man"

[FAZ8218]

She's SILarious!

[FAZ8218]

Talking about Alycia Lane (Booker's girlfriend)
Ron: I saw one of the pictures... and it was a G-string... and she was doing a split.

[FAZ8218]

Talking to Al Dukes about Booker:
Ron: Yeah he was dating J-Lo's sister.
Earl or Dave (didnt catch it): Linda...
Ron: Yeah Linda... it's J-Lo's sister.

[FAZ8218]

Dave talking about Leno and Conan breaking the writers strike...
Dave: I'm just so aggravated
Ron: Do what Al and Billy do... Write a song about it.
...instead of "Heart breaker", "You're a strike breaker..."

[FAZ8218]

Talking about rap again
"Earl was black for the first time ever the other night."

[FAZ8218]

Earl: People were dancin, even the people who weren't dancing their heads were boppin up and down
Ron: My head was goin side to side, sayin "no".

[FAZ8218]

To Dave:
"Go to a club... oh wait you can't, you're gonna be a dad"

[FAZ8218]

"It's actually hard, right now, not to get into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame."

[maz]

HOLY SHIT FAZ

9 in a row

me thinks you Linger a lot

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking to Earl about saving a one black man who just ***** his sister...

Believe me Earl every black man is going to get his day in court. Everyone of you mother fuckers is going to get a day in court.

So true Ronnie.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "My father is Mr.Warlock, call me Winter".

[Chester'sLiver]

talking about Jimmy and Ant's impression of him
"They think I drag my "S"s, but really I am just trying to kill time."

[Arch Stanton]

Britney pulls up her skirt, points at her cunt and says:
Babies come from here.....Babbies come from here

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Momma I think my pussy dried up

[Arch Stanton]

Britney ties her kids up like Christmas Tees and drives around with them on the roof.

[latenightrabbit]

I hate authority so much, even my own.

[Slow Bollards]

Britney pulls up her skirt, points at her cunt and says:
Babies come from here.....Babbies come from here

:clap:

Had me cackling in traffic.

[TanukiPajama]

Jamie Lynn Spears:

"She's in there trying to squeeze a fucking steak into her cunt. Anyway, they're just adorable."

[TanukiPajama]

"I'm fucking sick. I have some kind of cold in my shoulder -- I had x-rays done? Doctor cried... he had never seen anything so horrible. I guess for him it was like seeing a plane crash in his own backyard."

[latenightrabbit]

They think I drag my S's. All I'm trying to do is kill time.

[FAZ8218]

About Elvis vs. Beatles:
I'm not trying to bust the King's balls... I'd rather see Elvis Costello walking down the street than Elvis Presley.

[FAZ8218]

On Jamie Lynn Spears:
"I think they are the most adorable bare-footed white trash family... they're like the Clampets."

[FAZ8218]

"Fuckin Pele plays kickball."

[NortonsHeiny]

To Earl--
I dont see color, I see lip size. I judge people the circumference of their nostrils

[RMPGP]

After Earl was eluding Pepper Hicks like The Fugitive.

Paraphrasing:

"One time Earl made me mad, but the St Patrick's Day parade was going by so he walked into it and he slipped on a green hat and vanished."

[LonnieHazard]

Earl, is hard to sleep because when you lay down you're worried about snakes getting in your nostrils...or other small animals?

[TonyBagels]

(about Clinton being charming)

LIlly: I kind of understand where Monica's head was at.
Ronnie: Well, right between his legs.

[TonyBagels]

(about 2008 wishes)
Dave: I'd like to maintain my job on this show.
Lilly: {laughter}
Ron: It seems like you're asking too much.

[crippledalbino]

(about Dave's wedding)
Ron: It was a good bit. The pregnancy too, it was a good bit.

[mybysigh]

I know this isn't the right thread, but when ESD was insisting that he was sold chicken and lobster as surf and turf and Fez said:

"It was Surf and Chirp"

I laughed.

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking about Daves sperm...

It literally must look like the sperm that got her pregnant is lying next to her in bed.

[NortonsHeiny]

Again about Daves sperm....

Next time you jerk off put a little pair of pants on it and I'll bet you say "thats my high school picture."

[NortonsHeiny]

The Brady Bunch with with Deacon Jones...

And then Deacon Jones said look at my hands kids and guess how big my cock is...

[NortonsHeiny]

To Pitzy...

Why dont you hang with Earls family this weekend. You can go steal radios.

[NortonsHeiny]

Talking about the Broad Minded Show...

Why dont they just call it slits and get on with it....

[jimmyolsenblues]

esd: "we had burgers and fries"
Ron: "Why pick on johnny like that"
esd: "i loved it, it made my dad's day"
Ron: "It made your dad's day when one of his Gay Sons got married".

[krisko]

to dave when he was talking about the colleges he attended

Ron: I didn't go to any school, now go get me some water

[krisko]

hey earl, when's the first time you remember seeing your dad without the bars?

[Chester'sLiver]

"O and A have Chris Rock on all day and I get their intern they won't talk too."

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I am killing out there, get a mic out there, not so well in the VIP room, I work to the Ham and Eggers".

[crippledalbino]

Ron to Sam about his beep game: "Now did you do it or did you just tape Kimmel?"

[crippledalbino]

Ron to Sam: "Now what I really want to know is when you're going to get back together with Paul Simon"

[Awful Me]

"You don't want to think about Suicide kid, just do it.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Dave: "Every year we have this thing called the 'Beanie Cup'..."
Ronnie: "Yeah, that's her vagina."

[Chuck Schick]

I don't think you have to give up being a 'ho because you're dead. She could be in 'ho hevean.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ronnie: (to Earl) "what do you think your grandmother's doing up in heaven? i bet she's eating a big bucket of fried shrimp."

[crippledalbino]

Ronnie: "Hold on, Earl thinks he's moving to Illinois."
Fez: "Land of Lincoln!"
Ronnie: "My WORST President! Thanks for nothing, Lincoln!"

[Chester'sLiver]

"I had sex through out the entire pregnancy, just never with my wife."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Bronx Johnny: She's going to breastfeed someone...
Ron: Yeah, and those tits are going to taste like cum

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Oh sure, she's fucking while 7 centimeters dialated and I'm the bad one...

[TanukiPajama]

It's really nice when the only person drunk at a wedding is the priestess.

[TanukiPajama]

About Dave's college:

Was it pass-fail? Or just pass-pass? Depending on how much your mom pays?

[TanukiPajama]

About Dave's college radio show:

40 guys in a studio without a fuckin point.

[TanukiPajama]

Ron: Did that hurt your feelings too, Earl?
Earl: It did hurt my feelings.
Ron: See, and that's from a colored guy. But a good color, Earl!

[TanukiPajama]

Earl: My first memory of my father is from when I was five.
Ron: And what's that, just a big black cock in your mouth?

[TanukiPajama]

(Dave's line gets a laugh)
Ron: That sounded very Bennington, by the way.

[maz]

" can i just break in and say this hoagie is better than pussy ? "

[Sack of Chisels]

Dave: i'm tellin ya, we've had second cousins removed
Ron: oh, i'm sorry to hear that. who took em out, po?

[crippledalbino]

When talking about 'what to call a woman's period':

Ronnie B: "I call it 'Looks I get to spend this month's abortion money."

[NortonsHeiny]

From the best of....

Earl you are the loneliest man I know. You could the Maytag Repair man if they started hiring blacks.

[NortonsHeiny]

Another Best of Line regarding jerking off....

I broke my dick. This is bad, Im pissing butter....

[NortonsHeiny]

I am catching up on this weeks shows...

Ron of a gift:

What did I mention Steve Carlton on the air? Oh then I want to start talking about pussy.

[NortonsHeiny]

To Gros:

Gros what are you doing running like that? Is the floor hot?

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl: There is no black Santa Claus.

Ron: Now just admit the same thing about Jesus and were pals.

[TonyBagels]

(I found some LOTD notes on my desk, as I'm making an effort to get everything done by new years. I apologize if these are repeats or that I don't have the dates they're from.)

(about weight loss)
Fez: I dropped 7 lbs.
Ron: What'd you do, take a big shit this morning?

[TonyBagels]

(about the BabyFuck party being on Pearl Harbor Anniversary)

Let's show the Japanese that we shall go on about 12-7.

[TonyBagels]

(BabyFuck Party day, art of the topless poster)

Dave: It's a day that you shouldn't use to promote your own party.
Ron: Last year everyone had a great time at the Gettysburg party.

[TonyBagels]

(about Silera)

Dave: It's not in her DNA.
Ron: Well, I love that A. I'd love to put my D in that A.

[TonyBagels]

Dave: I bring home the paycheck.
Ron: That paycheck is smaller than that tiny dick of yours.

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave making love to his wife with the lights off)

I bet the only way she'll do it with you is in the dark and doggy style (so she doesn't have to see your face).

[crippledalbino]

From today's Best-Of, about Fez's past.

"Fez's first pet was Hepatitus C"

[MilkmanDan]

(On Fez living in Florida)

Ron : Fez' first pet was Hepatitis C

[NortonsHeiny]

Just because my Ronnie B is enjoying some well earned time to himself, I shant slack on LOTD's....

If I were a dolphin all I'd want is a towel and chair. How nice would be to just sit down and rest.

[NortonsHeiny]

Replying to Earls desired animal trait..

Earl you want to be able to become white when you enter Manhattan.

[NortonsHeiny]

I would like to have the flounder eyes. Two eyes on the same side of the head because I like to lay down on the couch and catch the ball game.

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez comments that being a rigid German is what must work for Swissy...

Ron replies "Yes but does it work for Poland?"

[NortonsHeiny]

A caller tells Ron he is going home & having his chick recite the alphabet to which Ron replies..

If she gets wrong punch her right in the jaw..

[jimmyolsenblues]

Topic: Fez betting on football and have to get in coffin.
Caller: "Ronnie , when did your show get so many welchers.
Ron: "I know. They ought to call this show Ron and Grape Juice."

[mikek]

As Fez is in the coffin & the crew is duct-taping it shut:

Ron: Does it feel good or bad?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Wasn't that a Clapton song?...Whores in Heaven....would you eat my ass if I saw you in heaven?"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I didn't accept who? I am Mogolanian, I never heard of Jesus, MONOGLIAN!!!!"

[jimmyolsenblues]

ESD: "Jesus said love thy neighbor"
Ron: "AND I'VE DONE THAT!"

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl says that men in general are stubborn and don't want to go to the dr to which Ron interjects:
"I don't consider you a man."

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl is commenting that his lack of sleep freaks him out to which Ron tells him:

"You know what freaks me out? That you are still here. I wish Jesus would drop a chair on you from heaven."

[NortonsHeiny]

Anthony suggests Baby Love attend the Sylvan Learning Center to which Ron replies

"Why waste the money, just buy her a helmet...."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: Then at like 2am these alarms started going off...
Ron: Cause you were jackin' off?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: In twenty-oh-eight...I'm going to stalk and kill Osama bin Laden. And anyone who's interested, just call 866-Ron-0-Fez. 866-Ron-0-Fez

[TonyBagels]

(on Obama)

He may bring back racism. And that's exciting.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(on the Death Penalty by firing squad)

Ron: My last words would be, "Don't shoot my bawls"

[TallBaby]

My last words would be: 'don't shoot me in the balls'

[Arc Lite]

(On death penalty for rapping a kid)

What if the kid liked it?

[goldenbunz]

Talking about the guillotine.

Dave: But you're alive for 3 seconds after your head is cut off.

Ron: I'm fine with that as long as they make them smell their own ass before they die.

[Sack of Chisels]

"You're a drunk driver? Now I get to get drunk and drive into you!"

[Vyce]

(on Obama)

He may bring back racism. And that's exciting.

The disappointing thing about that phone call was the fact that the guy was making a call back to a Ron & Fez best of show that aired just last week. But no one in the studio seemed to recognize it.

[gleet]

Ron: Nobody needs milk after the age of 4.
Dave: I have a glass with every dinner.
Ron: And you're half a retard.

[banana cock]

After Ricki Lake was amazed with Ron "getting it even though he was a man"

Ron replies "Darlin I am more than a man"

Fucking Brilliant

[TanukiPajama]

If you think the opposite of Republican is Democrat, you're wrong. They're the same tin soldiers with different-colored coats.

[duggernaut]

(Dave and Fez doing slave boy bit)

Ron: Why don't you guys do this....shit all over the show.

[dilznick101]

Speaking to Dave about Casey's impending childbirth:

She WILL have the baby underwater because Ricki Lake wants her for 'Berfin' Dem Babies 2'

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So the lady's squatting and the baby's head pops out right by the floor. So if she slips...tombstone piledriver, right on the baby

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Lilly: Actually I've gained 1 pound since yesterday...
Ron: Okay well then you're fired from this show until you lose that pound!

[Chuck Schick]

Dave: I think most people are like that.

Ron: Most people aren't red headed and stupid.

Dave: Oh.

[Chuck Schick]

Its the Super Bowl, I need super concentration. And no piss sink.

[Chuck Schick]

I can't sit there for the Jew Bowl. I need the Super Bowl.

[goldenbunz]

Talking about gifts from Beanie.

Dave: You wouldn’t buy someone you don’t like a sexy negligee

Ron: That’s like saying here whore

[duggernaut]

(after seeing Clinton cry and then win New Hampshire)

Ron: I though Earl had picked a winner, but just like college football, Mr. Perfect shits the bed.

[duggernaut]

Dave: Excuse the pun, but I don't want it born under a black cloud.
Ron: That's not even a pun, that's just straight racism.

[hudsonharden]

"Marvin Gaye can eat Sam Cooke's ass"

[KNUCKLEUP]

"i think turkeys are one of the only things that look delicious while they're still alive... you're only a few feathers away from a delicious meal..."

[KNUCKLEUP]

not sure of the exact phrasing...

To Dave: "...you think you could drill a hole into a camel's hump, stick a straw down there and have a drink..."

[MilkmanDan]

( On John Kerry )

If Barack is ever there with Kerry standing in front of him, its going to look like he's holding a African shield

[Chuck Schick]

A shit storm is coming. And let me tell you something ladies and gentlemen, nobody owns a shit umbrella.

[mikek]

Earl, did you vote for Kerry? I just voted 'against Bush.' Then I cut open my finger and rubbed blood all over the place.

[mikek]

I hope Obama wins. Then I can sit back an watch the republic unravel; it started with Bush, and will end with Obama.

[Chester'sLiver]

*talking about Pete Carroll going to the NFL*

"I have tons have championships in college"
"How did you do in the NFL."
"Oh I ate dick."

[duggernaut]

Ron: Only one here cares about greatness. All heart, no brains. Then I got the cowardly lion, and the stupid black guy.

[thelord68]

Honey, you had an entertaining idea. You don't belong in here.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So here's my Radio Psychic...Earl gets fired, Dave gets fired, Pitzy gets fired. And if that doesn't happen, that lets me know that Wicky isn't doing HIS job

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You have a half a thought, open a bottle of whiskey and then it stops

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: When you get fired on Monday...
ESD: NOooo!!! I will suck Don Wickland off --
Ron: That's what it'll be. You'll have to

[dilznick101]

Fez:...because I am half a fag.

Ron: Half?

You really had to hear this one in the context of the rhyme scheme of fez's slave poem, but i thought it deserved a mention. i laughed my ass off

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: You better fucking watch yourself Dave! You've got a review on Monday and a fucking pregnant wife at home. You're gonna get fired!
Ron: Maybe that'll be the funny end to this bit

[Chuck Schick]

Ron to a crying Dave:

Two drinks into this thing and you'll be singing some Irish song about a missing hat.

[Suspect_Phil]

About Dave & Fez's Slaveboy bit all week:

"It's like being a Dad, with two kids roughhousing in the back, going 'someone's gonna end up crying', and now we're not going to Wally World."

[duggernaut]

on yesterdays show...i was dying.

Ron: I never turn off P-Funk under any circumstance. Not a time in my life where I said 'this doesn't fit.' My grandma's funeral, we were fucking blasting it. Chocolate city was playing when we carried her out.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: No I swear, I'm really upset about this...
Ron: No you're not. You'll forget about this two drinks in when you start singing Irish songs about missing hats!

EDIT: Damnit...GuitarLaw beat me to it

[Jerry1]

Not totally sure of the phrasing....

Fez: ..if you were God....
Ron: Of which I am.

Nuff said....

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Was there a poster of Jesus with shoulder pads?"

[FAZ8218]

Talking about the World Cup:
"And these guys are real Italians, not Pitzy-Italian..."

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "SON OF A COCK, I can't believe I was locked in with Billy Bush and that other fucking hideous blonde"

[LiddyRules]

*On the Guy running with Blade Legs* "And the next year we'll have a guy with jet legs."

Fez: "What do you call a guy born without legs?"
Ron: "Lucky."

[Chuck Schick]

Fez: What do you call someone thats born without legs?

Ron: Lucky.

Oh crap. Edged out by LiddyRules.

[Chuck Schick]

Ron: When I wink at you, it means everythings all right.

Earl: Ok.

Ron: So far I've never once winked at you.

[duggernaut]

Dungy looked up and saw a black guy at the mall and said, 'hey, why ain't you at fucking practice'

[RMPGP]

"Are you lactating Earl? Because I'll put Fez under there like a piglet."

[FAZ8218]

Dave: There's a beautiful baby-girl in there...
Ron: Whoa, Babygirl? Let's not hope for too much. Let's stick with baby girl.

[KNUCKLEUP]

Lilly: "Some things have to happen before a baby comes..."
Ronnie: "Ew."

[KNUCKLEUP]

Ronnie: "Hold on, Horatio Sans is dropping out of the race..."
Fezzie: "That's Bill Richardson!"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Did you call her or did she call you?
Fez: She called me
Ron: For more phone sex...you just hose down the phone

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Well I took my Wife away from another man, 3 years later, another man took her away from me!

Ron : What is this a country song?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Caller: "You have to be careful, I took this girl away from some guy and three years later , some guy took her from me."
Ron: "What is this a country music song?"

[jimmyolsenblues]

ron: "if all the animals were off the planet except for dogs, we would be some dog eating motherfuckers"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And I'm like, "Your sandwiches suck and mine are awesome because they bring happiness and joy"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Yeah, she had me when she was 15!
Ron: And you'd want to be right up in there?
Caller: Hell yeah!
Ron: Where are you from...?
Caller: Texas!
All: OOOOOOOHHHHHHH
Ron: Yeah, that's okay, go fuck your mom

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: And then Eve gave birth to Kane and Abel, but they didn't mention any sisters...so you know they must have fucked her
Ron: And you don't think about the Smurfs in the same way, yet it's the same fucking logic!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Alright we got....we gotta take a break. I look up at this and all I see are calls about guys wanting to bang their sisters. I don't really want to talk about this

[FAZ8218]

Talking about Obama and coke:
Earl: He came out and said "hey, 30 years ago, I tried cocaine, big deal."
Ron: He makes me feel more comfortable to say it.. I tried it, and tried it, tried it, tried it...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

damnit FAZ, you beat me with the first part....


ESD: Nooo..not with XM's new drug testing
Ron: They don't test me! They don't test the talent, they test the fuckin' nobodies!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I think the people are getting offended that you're calling it a Unity party
Mafia-Life Chris: (http://mafialife.com/) Fine! We'll change the name of the party!!
Ron: I think you should call it "Ode to the Mean Girls"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: They hand me a list that says "Radio golf fans". No wonder we stink.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I'm gonna give out your Social Security Number:
Fez: NOOOO
Ron: 5..................That's it. That's how old you are

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: OH MY GOD, YOU'RE DISGUSTING! WIPE YOU DISGUSTING ANIMAL!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Oh my god this is just like the carport!
Ron: I have no idea what you're talking about...
Fez: When he hosed the sand out of my ass!
Ron: Then get him up here because Dave's ass is disgusting

[maz]

RB : "LLinger Lonnger"

had to FF thru that 2 1/2 hour seg
to hear it again

[Chuck Schick]

RE: Ryan Grant

Dave: I don't miss that cut.

Ron: That what?

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "There is a fucking darkness, a darkness, that is hard to even explain when you are caught up in a drug addiction".

(Well said Mr.B)

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Life comes down to being with a good chick"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(talking about Earl going to go see Scotzo)

Ron: I want you to get on that train, head on out to that graveyard. Bring a shovel, I want you to make sure that everything is alright

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: I just got off the phone with Dr. Steve, he said the Pete Marovitch biography is on it way in
Ron: Aww he didn't have to do that just because I was thinking about it. You know what I've been thinking a lot about lately? Hookers. Nice $5,000 a night hookers too, not the girls who are standing on the street....

[Chuck Schick]

In New York, you've got places to go. You better move that big as rig of yours. Earl, I said RIG.

[Chuck Schick]

Earl, were you rooting for the bad guys during 9/11?

[FAZ8218]

Talking about (real :icon_mrgr) gelato:
"That shit is like frozen pussy!"

[TonyBagels]

Bill Clinton and Hillary are now like Otto and George, where one of them is working both.

[Arch Stanton]

In Clearwater everyone dresses like a Merchant Marine

[Arch Stanton]

NY Cops always have their hands on the gun ready to pull it

[Arch Stanton]

Staff:Opie would never lie to us

Ron:Oh yeah? Ask Patty

You are all Patty she was promised things and she ended up sleeping under the stairs

[Arch Stanton]

Faith is something that can't be proven, so why have the Bible.

Why have this large book? Why have the Bible.

Why not just have faith.

[Arch Stanton]

Get the Bible now and you can get these 5 extra Commandments

[Arch Stanton]

What if I said the Pope has a stupid hat?

If Earl walked in with that hat you wouldn't say that hat is stupid?

[Arch Stanton]

There are only two people with that stupid hat:

Elton John and The Pope

[Arch Stanton]

Why not have a Vote on who is God

Democracy is the best Government in the World, why not in Heaven?

[Arch Stanton]

Spring Lake NJ, The rest of the World is a panic to you!

[TonyBagels]

That's his (Dave's) problem. That's why you don't belong on this show. The second he (Fez) gets his stuff back, you're off this show.

[Arch Stanton]

The second Fez gets his strentgh back....You are GONE!!!!


Here he goes, take that step.

4,000