Ron Bennington's Line Of The Day

[Arch Stanton]

Brett Farvre was amazing in Something about Mary. He can't do anything wrong.

I hope he walks all over The Giants

[Arch Stanton]

Here's what Wiki would like to do:

Turn the station off and have all the listeners dead

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez: When you get better, I will throw Dave out the window. He is gone

To ESD: You should see the threads and e-mails I get. You are awful on the Radio

[Arch Stanton]

To High Society:( Pepper and Johnny)How long ago did you guys have your Animal House show?

Dec 20

OK, It's Jan 17 and I am still hearing about it and it is affecting us.

[Arch Stanton]

Hey Earl, do a voodoo curse on Balzac.

I will then throw Angel up against the coffin...uh uh uh

[Chuck Schick]

I like things that are forced. Chicks know that about me.

[Chuck Schick]

There are so many ways to make a woman cry without hitting them. They're what I consider "the fun ways."

[luzerne56]

hoagie appreciate your reply,love ron he's one of the main reasons i joined xm

[jimmyolsenblues]

ronnie b is the only person who can make laugh out loud,
Caller: "Did you say you can't tell Spades apart".
Ron: "....sorry about earl and DAVE"

....classic

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "In a Gang bang, and don't act like you never been there, we all been in a gang bang, second is last, its like a presidential race"

[Chester'sLiver]

Ron: "Oh so she is a black chick"
BXJ: "Nah, she's Spanish"
Ron: "Same thing"

[duggernaut]

Ron: Is she black?
BJ: No Spanish.
Ron: Same thing.

[duggernaut]

Dammit. Beat me to it Chester.

[Chuck Schick]

Thats the weird thing about white people. We have the same parents.

[Arch Stanton]

Sings:
Please come to Boston for the Porno...

[Arch Stanton]

Imitates Johnny:

Excuse me, but I just wanna say something to a special lady out there....'Sup

Hey, don't use the show to send out your love letters, buy a fuckin' stamp

[Chester'sLiver]

FUCK HER!

[twotoes]

Lily: Wonder why you didn't get a raise.

Ron: Yea, wait till he takes away your health insurance. You'll be having that baby out in the street like a fucking collie.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: (As Daniel Day Lewis) "I have abandoned by son". "I have a competition within me where I don't want anyone else to enjoy the ending of a movie".

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells ESD to wait until Wickie takes his health insurance away and tells him "You'll be having that baby on the street like a collie."

[MilkmanDan]

(on Earls small food obsession)

Ron : One day I saw you with a fork and knife over a tictac

[duggernaut]

To Hard Rock Johnny-

Ron: We got Paul on the line. Ok, if this is Paul McCartney, let's see if we get his pants.

[Arch Stanton]

One time Earl took a Knife and fork to cum.

[LiddyRules]

"I don't have a contract! I can do whatever I want!"

[Arch Stanton]

Every time Manning drops back to throw a pass I yell out Tarkington is dropping back!!!

[Arch Stanton]

We know what the weather is in Wisconsin....It's cold

[Arch Stanton]

Guy from Wisconsin says Seinfeld...more like Jewfeld. get it of the air for Tarkington!

[Arch Stanton]

MLK, isn't he dead? Why not honor a guy who can appreciate it? Like Don Rickles before it id to late

(note* I am in constant amazement at what this guy does, every day every minute)

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Earl's affinity for very small portions:

"i actually saw him cut an atom once... You have to have a very steady hand..."

[crippledalbino]

On Hoola Hoops:

"You know, for kids. Congratulations, you invented a circle!"

[Stormrider666]

Once again that wasn't playdo, that was your uncle's balls.

[Tax Kuntz]

Magic 8 ball...yeah I had my own 8 ball.

[mikek]

They say in a few years they're gonna have sexual robots. What about you, Fez? Are you going to have a robutt?

[KNUCKLEUP]

"So i guess porn stops ****... Earl, call up Larry Flynt; tell him he's winning a nobel prize..."

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Fez's cock:

"Does it have sparkles on it?"

[KNUCKLEUP]

"Hi, I'm Victoria Beckham, and I'm a talking Preying Mantis!"

[Chuck Schick]

I don't know if men can relate to this. I don't know if men can know what its like to have a skeleton in their stomach, then push that skeleton out of their genitals.

[Chuck Schick]

Here's Todd. What a stupid name. Todd you're on Ron and Fez.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay we're going to Todd...what a stupid name
Fez: It's a fine name!
Ron: Then use it

[FAZ8218]

Talking about Fez's conversations with Coco:
What do you talk about, hockey? "You know those North Stars are really somethin'."

[duggernaut]

My cousin had an Easy Bake Oven. Over 7 hours she made me a cookie and I threw up after.

[TonyBagels]

Ron (To Fez): When you get better, OK? When you feel like the old Fez, I will throw Dave out the window. (to Dave) You're awful on radio. I'm going to give you the threads to read yourself. I'm going to give you the emails.
Dave: I have my supporters.
Ron: Where? Because I'm just getting overwhelmed with 'I can't be part of this.'

MUCH LATER

Ron: What is this the emails you've brought in, Dave? Two?
Dave: That's all I have.



transcription fixed

[TonyBagels]

(1-17 after reading Dave's "metal" lyrics)

That's terrible. The album should be called 'As Dumb as Dave"

[NortonsHeiny]

When speaking of Gelati Rons says "It is so good it tasted like frozen pussy."

[FAZ8218]

When speaking of Gelati Rons says "It is so good it tasted like frozen pussy."
Got that one already :action-sm

[NortonsHeiny]

Got that one already :action-sm

Well how about when Fez comments on Dave passing out and puking to which Ron replies "That's his woobie, the puke is his woobie to get to sleep."

[Angelfuck]

talking to fez
"what is your problem with cigars?
.... is it odd for you to put something like that in your mouth without cum coming out"

[DonTheTrucker]

Ron: Okay we're going to Todd...what a stupid name
Fez: It's a fine name!
Ron: Then use it

Thats my vote for LOTD.

[MartiniJay]

Ron: I actually saw [ Earl ] cut an atom once and eat it. You gotta have a steady hand like a mohel.

[Sack of Chisels]

What if there was a fire and they yelled "everybody get out! the fire exit is on the left!" I would yell out "do you mean stage left, or audience left?!??!?!? I've always been curious about your directions!!!"

[steveperry26]

(01-10-08 after telling dave about mikey backround's dream about westside)
Ron: You better contact her.
Fez: Just to make sure everything is alright.
Ron: Rockabye...

Only Ron could pull a Shawn Mullins lyric out of thin air and make it hilarious.

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Bush being out of the WHite House next year Ron says

"Well thats the good news Fez, the bad news is there could be a black guy in the White House."

[steveperry26]

Fez: Dolemite you're on Ron & Fez
Ron: I hope this is the real Dolemite I'll go crazy....Earl's real dad Dolemite.

[Friday]

to Dave during the Ronfez.net vs Wackbag NFC Messageboard Championship Simulcast:

"You're not fit to be anyone's father."

[LiddyRules]

Fez *upset after telling everyone they can't call plays*: "866-Ron-0-Fez, 866-Ron-0-Fez"

Ron: There's that crutch.

[TheLittlerJimmy]

Dave - "Two negatives make a positive in math"
Ron - "That's odd, because two negatives ruin a radio show"

(might not be exact, I tried my best)

[TonyBagels]

(from 1-17)

I look at Texans the same way Fez's family looks at black people. I can't tell them apart.

[LiddyRules]

"All those British movies are the same. Casey loves Dave but I promised her hand to Fez. Then they brush up against each other and we cry. Why doesn't he just take her and move to France?"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "Cloverfield is 911 Porn"

[jimmyolsenblues]

Topic: Referring to the Cloverfield monster
Ron: "What happened to Cecil the sea monster?"

[jimmyolsenblues]

ron: "that music would not have existed at that time, it looks like watching a gladiator movie and a car drive by".

[Chuck Schick]

My problem with Ralph Nader is that he ain't getting seatbelts around Cloverfield.

[duggernaut]

Dave: She's a poor mans Kathy Ireland.
Ron: What poor man has a Kathy Ireland?.....doesn't even make sense....(sigh)....god...these people.

[Vyce]

(01-10-08 after telling dave about mikey backround's dream about westside)
Ron: You better contact her.
Fez: Just to make sure everything is alright.
Ron: Rockabye...

Only Ron could pull a Shawn Mullins lyric out of thin air and make it hilarious.

He pulled a Cake lyric out the other day. I think during the RonFez.net vs. Wackbag game.

Dave (I think it was him, referring to RonFez.net): They're going the distance!
Ron: They're going for speed.

[duggernaut]

Ron (on Ron Paul):I'll tell you this - I am very excited that he says, 'if elected I'm gonna lean over and grab that steering wheel of the United States of America and jerk it into oncoming traffic.'

[Ronnie_2Chin]

"And if your listening you alien bastards, if there is a way to haunt you I will, you fuckin frog faced faggots."

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Fezzie feeling upset over thinking about Heath ledger dying alone:

"...Well maybe he had a cat... that immediately started eating him... like your cat's going to do to you..."

[KNUCKLEUP]

whoops.

[DonTheTrucker]

Edit: Crap wrong thread. Sorry.

[Chuck Schick]

I don't have the internet.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, I'm the devil speaking here...how many years of your life would you give up to see the Giants win this game?
ESD: Ummm..uhh.....12. 12 years
Ron: Okay, well naturally I hope that you would only live until 42

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I think Best In Show could be the best of the Christopher Guest films
ESD: HAY!! I think we had this conversation before, and that one was mine!!!!!!!!
Ron: It's now down to 3...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: Oh come on! The jump forward was the best thing!
Ron: Shark. Jumped. Happened.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ugh, it's like he put his fucking diary to music

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Crowd & Ringo: LIVERPOOL!!!
Ron: We love it!!!
Crowd & Ringo: LIVERPOOL!!!
Ron: We love it!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I wish we could do Lilly-fuck

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: My sister is coming up to visit me probably in a week or two
Ron: Alright, fuck trip!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: These doctors give out pills like, "I know your back hurts, so I'm going to give you 20 painkillers, but you probably won't even finish them all." Yes I will, and TOO SOON

[King_Sean]

Ron: "I'm in pain for the universe"



that should be on a t-shirt

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, your Indian name would be Steals-a-TV

[duggernaut]

Dave: I'm out...
Ron: You're out?
Dave: Out of talking about it.(talking about lie detector show)
Ron: I thought you out of the show. I was going to go have a big wackbag party. A big wackbag unity party: Dave is Done.

[duggernaut]

Ron: JJ Abrams? Did he come in or call?
Fez: He called.
Ron: If he would've come in I would have choked him to death.

[TonyBagels]

Did I think it? Then it will happen.

[dilznick101]

"why else would i set my alarm for 8:27?"

Ron was discussing his phoner with the O&A show at 8:30 that didn't happen. Just struck me as funny...

[dilznick101]

Dave: they call her the 'the beaver'

Ron: that's for a different reason. that's for a MUCH different reason.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: And what happened on the 2nd date? Just all out there
Lily: Yeah, there was intercourse...
Ron: Just good ol' ass-eating fun?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ahh Big Fezzz...I wish I was blowing 3 year olds...Ah Big Fezzzz

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ahh Big Fezzz...my meds aren't working...ahh Big Fezzz

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Yes Patti, if we don't have anyone in 5 years, I'll marry you. 2013, my lucky year
Ron: That's alright, it's all gonna end in 2012. Fez's just gonna be sitting there saying, "C'mon Mayans! C'mon Mayans!"

[LiddyRules]

Caller: "Big Fez, eating ants from a donut box, big fez!"
Ron: *Cracking up* You're a fucking Legend!

[thrawn42]

Ron (after finding out Fez did not see the 2 hour long scientology movie known as Mission Impossible 3): *Pauses uncomfortably*....."What do you do over there? Watch Disturbia every night?"

[Wilmington WOW]

that brokeback mountain they were living on was gorgious
then the next think you know they're corn hole-ing each other

[TonyBagels]

(about radiogoldfans)

Dave: I don't know. They just think I'm a douche. Not a lot of specifics.
Ron: I might be joining a board.

[TonyBagels]

(about Europeans coming to America and there not being any buildings)

You've been here for thousands of years and you couldn't come up with bricks. No...tents. White people came into this country and came into the world's biggest KOA campground.

[TonyBagels]

I hate any hotel that isn't nicer than my house.

[TonyBagels]

There is only one comfort drink, and that's beer.

[UsedLadBag]

Ron: It's all about the titties bouncin.

[LonnieHazard]

You ought to do a one man play where you're just up there jackin' off and when you cum then the sailors can leave

[Dre]

(Ron getting Fez to try out for a part in Cats)

Ron: "OK, go.."
Fez: "Mmmmmemm..."
Ron: "Stop, leave.."
Fez: "Ohhh..."
Ron: "We'll call you back if we need a gay neighbor."

[Arch Stanton]

Uh Big Fez!!!

[NortonsHeiny]

Earl states that you wouldn't be able to wipe a smile off of his face to which Ron replies
"I would just like to see you wipe the chicken crumbs off your face."

[steveperry26]

Talking about Ryan Gosling

Ron: He was in that movie noone saw, something and a half.
Earl: Half Nelson.
Ron: Yeah, Half Nelson. I coulda swore it was Cop and a Half.

[hudsonharden]

Caller: "I think the Superbowl is an east coast thing this year, and the rest of the country was not behind it"
Ron: "You know what else was an east coast thing? 9/11. And you all got behind that."

[hudsonharden]

Ron: "You know what the rest of the country calls the New York Giants? The Jew York Jew-iants."

[PartyRockCoat]

(to Earl): "You ever spank it to To Kill A Mockingbird?"

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave jacking to old movies)
You know, to masterbaters, you were the throw back jerseys

[TonyBagels]

(about Earl not jacking to Lilly)

Why not? I'm jacking to her right now, under the console.

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Fez...did you ever jack to Floyd the barber?
Fez: No
Ron: After Fez cums, he says out loud, your such a good boy Opie

(BTW, skeeved me out, but it has to be in here)

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Earl, you ever jack to Ru Paul?
Ron: You ever do a Ru jack? ( or batch, I forget)

[jimmyolsenblues]

Caller: "I wonder if Fezzie ever jacked to Rick Flair"
Ron: "First of all, we ALL jacked to Rick Flair , the dirtiest player in the game."

[Arch Stanton]

We're gonna play music that's gonna knock the skinner off your peener

[dilznick101]

Ron: Have you ever had a **** fantasy?

Lilly: No.

Ron: Well then nevermind. I was going to tell you a funny story but forget it.

[PMB917]

"Everybody that's been told they have cancer, has been told by a doctor. Fuck those doctors!"

[Footthing]

Ron to Fez: what are you kidding, you were never the kid in town

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Daves birth and his mothers vagina

"I bet you were pushed through that thing and your shoulders never hit either side."

[Dragonwaggon77]

Regarding dave Jacking at the statue of Liberty.

Dave: Mom was afraid of heights so she went down..
Ron: On you?

So quick, he is King.

[Dragonwaggon77]

Avoid doctors and Avoid Cancer

[TonyBagels]

(about nobody listening, as they all turn their radios off after 11:00, O&A no longer live)

Right now we can be doing this from my house.

[stevethrower]

Big Fez: I think the twins know a lot about wrestling...
Ron: Your balls?

[TonyBagels]

Fez: ... on a national radio show.
Ron: Yeah, but it's a national radio show that no one listens to.

[bruthaman]

"Pussy as tight as a change purse."

"Pussy so tight you couldn't get a MetroCard in there."

:clap: :clap:


"Pussy as tight as a watch pocket"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

ESD: I mean it's Media Day, why would it be that if the guys can't talk?
Ron: More like Media GAY...oh right, I forgot, your brother

[Dragonwaggon77]

Talking to E.S.D.

You think your brother ever lets anyone Cum on his face?

[LonnieHazard]

Earl Douglas is part of something that isn't black or rock?

[Dragonwaggon77]

Helter Skelter H.T.G.?
Cut a baby out of Sharon Tate H.T.G.?

That H.T.G.?

[MilkmanDan]

Ron - That old spice Commercial with the guy sliding around the bases, they owe Mike Schmidt some money.

Dave - Why?

Ron - What smells better then 1980 Mike Schmidt ?!

[LiddyRules]

They go from crazy hot chick to crazy chick the second you cum

[Arch Stanton]

About Dave's Father:
Maybe he needed to get away with someone just to come back to you crazy fuckin red heads

[TonyBagels]

(to Fez)

another thing that would help you get through is drugs and alcohol. Especially if you mix the too.

[TonyBagels]

(about Beanie being in a book of older people)

Fez: are there any of your mom in there?
Ron: Yeah, they're cave drawings

[TonyBagels]

I've got a lifetime of destruction behind me. You think I look back? Never!

[crippledalbino]

To Fez, about the Whatley Posse:

"How did you become a leader of bad people?"

[LonnieHazard]

What two fingers do you use fez?

[LonnieHazard]

Caller: Hey guys, I race bicycles...
Ron: Ya ever beat one?

[Dragonwaggon77]

Talking to a listener:

You will be the first to get the new Whatley Posse Tee.

Its got a new picture on the front, and on the back it says Earls in my Kitchen.

[Glenn Dandy]

GLENN DANDY EPIPHANY.


O&A&R&F

together i like the idea.



everyone on the bench that bores the fuck out of me.......



ITS THE TALENT... stop roooooning things taking their space.



One show, One family, One A.I.D.S victim....




Thanks for the Photo fez... I kid.
your voice is radio gold and you really honestly are the only time i laugh at R&F.



Ronnie B your lightnig baby..... GD has spoken.

[duggernaut]

(in the middle of random conversations)

Ron: (singing) "Am I black enough for ya'!"

[steveperry26]

To Dave after he did his impression of his dad

Ron: Who's your father, Jackie puppet?

[TonyBagels]

(about being proud of something you have no control of, like being proud to be an American, proud to be Irish, or proud to be black)

Fuck you Sea Turtle! You're looking at a homosapien here!

[TonyBagels]

(about Obama possibly winning in the California primary)

Earl: I tell you, when he wins it, it's OVER.
Ron: For all of us?

[TonyBagels]

When I see how much stronger animals are to us, I want to kill every last one of those. I can't rest...

[LonnieHazard]

To Dave: I bet if you're naked against a porcupine you end up blowin it

[mrsocks]

Dave: I could beat a duck.
Ron: I know you can buddy. I tell my family I work with a guy that can beat a duck.

[TonyBagels]

What's it like to be that stupid, Dave? You're like a pin head if it had red hair.

[Dragonwaggon77]

ron to dave:

I wonder if your un-born baby is ashamed of you yet.

[Stormrider666]

Ron to ESD:
"You think your unborn child is embarassed by you yet."

[Dragonwaggon77]

ron talking about animal strength:

If there is an ape uprising the only thing we are ever gonna do is have retards fight them.

[LiddyRules]

Generally when you do radio, you know you're talking to shut ins. This, to me, really is like doing a show on Christmas Day. Why, WHY would anyone be listening to this? Orphans, we're going to be playing to a lot of orphans today. And physically and mentally handicapped.

[Jimmy's Junk]

To Mooch - Irish Catholis drink whiskey, the protistants (sp) suck cock

[Not You]

RonFez.net vs Paltalk post game show.

Melinda: Look at Time Square, it looks like New Years.
Ron: It looks like Planet of the Apes.

This is the best line ever!:clap:

[mikek]

In response to ESD saying Steven Tyler goes all out at shows:

Steven Tyler would suck a fucking cock to get applause.

[mikek]

Talking about trading Earl to the O&A show:

Earl: I'm trade bait?

Ron: No, you're the fucking bomb that I stick in the bag. When you rob the bank, the thing that blows ink all over the money.

[Arch Stanton]

You know what OnA's staff looks like to me?

Like they are stuck at an Airport

[codenhead]

"I wanted to fire Earl last summer"

[gleet]

To Earl:

"Shut the FUCK up!"

[RMPGP]

Caller: "How about if they bring out the remaining members of the Traveling Willburys and then a Dave Grohl."

Ron: "How about they bring out the remaining Traveling Willburys and two caskets"

[RMPGP]

"Lemme tell you Steven Tyler would smoke a cock to get applause"

[RMPGP]

On Dave and Pitz getting Giants tattoos

Ron "You want a Giants Tattoo Fez, Dave and Pitz are getting them"

Dave "All the cast of Lord of the Rings has a Lord of the Rings Tattoo"

Ron "You want a Lord of the Rings Tattoo Fez?"

[RMPGP]

ONA's Staff

"They look like guys at the airport snowed in..."

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: guess what time i went to sleep? quarter to 6.
Fez: that's NOT enough sleep!
Ron: and yet whose fucking in here ready to perform????

[Ball of Hate]

"It's Fat Tuesday. Or Fez's Mom Tuesday."

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
If it weren't for bad luck, you wouldn't know what luck is.

[Arch Stanton]

Deniro's fantasy is to bang a black water bed

[Ball of Hate]

"You go in to do laundry and you hear 2 people fucking in the garage."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I don't know if Sheepy wants to go to Chucky Cheese or if he wants to go to the go-kart place over in Jersey
Fez: His knees are all up around his knees in those karts
Ron: That's cause you're fuckin him in the ass!

[Friday]

Ron (about OJ not wanting his double murder trial to be mentioned in his new court case):

That's like Jesus showing up and saying 'I don't want anything brought up about me being hung on a cross'

[Ron Johnson]

Ron in the first half hour today (concerning a dildo for Fez' ass):

"It's like dropping a hot dog in the grand canyon."

[RMPGP]

""If there was any justice in the world, Earl would be living in a refrigerator box right now"

[Suspect_Phil]

"Earl, let me tell you something about the south. I'M black down there."

[TonyBagels]

(in response to caller about Dave's alleged fear of Fez, that he would never have pushed Ron's face into a piece of pizza)

I'd still be punching him.

[TonyBagels]

(about E-Rock taking a 3 hour break to listen to Ron & Fez)

And that's the same problem we have with Earl.

[TonyBagels]

'well my doctor says I have ADD' SO What! Read the paper and drive. Who gives a shit?...

What type of person doesn't have ADD..boring people

[mikek]

To Earl, about him not doing drugs because he's afraid of addiction:

You don't have the get up and go to be a junkie.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Topic: Sacred staff of Ron
Ron:"I will snap their necks like Chickens".

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "What about big cock, why are three men talking about cocks, can't we pretend we are hetro?"

[mikek]

To ESD:

I can't believe I let you talk. It's like a 4 year old got a hold of a microphone.

[mikek]

To ESD, after he said he thinks flies & other insects are angels from Heavenm and hence shouldn't be killed:

I would love to give you an IQ test. You versus a mongoloid.

[Arch Stanton]

As Earl

New, pease hold for Mr Mooney

[Arch Stanton]

As Earl:

As I live and breathe, the Rolling Stones

[TonyBagels]

I try to throw out references out there that no one will get. and by no one, I mean Fez.

[dilznick101]

After Dave's arguement that guns n' roses aren't a hair metal band:

"You're like a kid that just got a 'Kerrarng' magazine and your trying to read it out loud to me"






As a former metal head kid who read kerrang magazine this thoroughly cracked me up.

[mikek]

On the 1 yr anniversary of her death:

Please, can we all take a moment of silence here and remember America's Rose, Anna Nicole Smith?

[peez_howd]

Finaly, some recognition on my great choice of a name.
As Earl, "peez howd for OFIE an ANPONY."

[Jimmy's Dignity]

During the RonFez.net vs. Paltalk Bowl

Ron: Look at that big Samoan, you're never gonna get a ring, are ya?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ant: Earl is your Tiki Barber, he's the one holding you guys back
Ron: Well in Earl's defense...I've got a whole team full of Tiki Barbers

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What, did Roberto Clemente only help his own people? He's not black Earl!

[mikek]

Fez: Z-Man says pregnant women like to give head.
Ron: No they don't; they just don't want you to leave.

[Vyce]

After Dave's arguement that guns n' roses aren't a hair metal band:

"You're like a kid that just got a 'Kerrarng' magazine and your trying to read it out loud to me"






As a former metal head kid who read kerrang magazine this thoroughly cracked me up.


I got that joke too, and fucking laughed hard at it. It might be a bit obscure, though.

[ichi_gami]

on fez's klonopin scrip...

fez: i have to be careful not to take too much
ron: what for?

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron on womens sick fantasies)

Ron - Hey if a chick wants to be woken up by me jacking on her face, I'll go for that. I'm a gentleman, oldschool.

[Arch Stanton]

Woman calls in for advice about potential handling of Daughter if R*PED:

I am not the one who is gonna say it is OK for your 4 year old to perform oral. I'm not gonna do it

[MilkmanDan]

Caller : Hey I had a girl break up with me once because I wouldnt be an asshole to her. She would be like "why arent you mean to me?"

Ron : Yeah, it happens.

Caller : I just dont get it, what the hell is that about

Ron : Well, you're a pussy.

[TonyBagels]

I want everyone to understand something. This is not one of those call-in shows with a doctor. Do not listen to what I say!

[Arch Stanton]

The Clinton Brothers are relentless

[Arch Stanton]

That cock of Clinton's is like a Bird Dog going after Pussy

[Arch Stanton]

Clinton could be asleep and that cock of his will get up and get into something

[Arch Stanton]

The name of this show is Ron and Fez

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: How do you leave the Whatley Posse

Ron: You leave feet first

[duggernaut]

Fez: What's you favorite flavor?
Ron: Hoagie

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: If you had one thing to taste, what would it be?

Ron asks Fez his choice: Cum?

[Sack of Chisels]

Dave: you don't hear a lot of men saying "i have a fantasy to :rap:"
Ron: (disagreeingly) mmmmmmmmmmmm........ mmm

[TonyBagels]

(Monday, shortly after a Hoffman call)

I want the callers to be smarter.

[TonyBagels]

(Monday, asking about buying votes)

You're telling me that if someone gave you $10,000 to vote for them, you wouldn't do it? I'd vote for Stalin for $10,000.

[TonyBagels]

(Monday, further political discussion)

The Republicans would rather have Stalin than McCain.

[TonyBagels]

(Monday, regarding young voters voting for Obama)

The problem with that crowd is bong hits. and all of a sudden a new Radiohead album comes out and they're not showing up.

[TonyBagels]

(regarding the movie Porky's)

Down in Florida, we lived Porky's. It was called the Ron & Ron show.

[Tax Kuntz]

(Monday, shortly after a Hoffman call)

I want the callers to be smarter.

:haha7:

[Dicktator]

Talking about movie theatres.
Mooch: i want to find the porno movie theaters.

Ron; I tell you what, after the show i'm gonna take you down to the 1970's, and you can se whatever you want.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Z-Man: Oh man, that is a lot of hair
HTG: Yeah, he's just looking at all his hair down in his lap
Ron: That's because he opened his fly

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, when this is over, give him a tootsie-pop....and by that I mean your cock.

[LonnieHazard]

Ron: You know what a great name for a gay superhero is?
Fez: Whats that?
Ron: Fez Whatley.
Fez: Hey!
Ron: He's Todd Hillier by day...

[LonnieHazard]

Ron: With my friends, Jews are like Highlander. There can be only 1

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Some fathers act like their daughter's vagina is a hockey net and they're the goalie!

[striker]

Ron: Z-man likes blogging, less dead air, his lines sound great

[3R1L]

To Mooch Cassidy who wanted to see a porno theater:
After the show, I'll take you downstairs into 1970.

[TonyBagels]

{yesterday, sarcastically}

Oh, do I have the dream team around me.

[TonyBagels]

(about Sheepy being a mini Fez, only bigger)
Fez: He's maxi-Fez.
Ron: You should take him back to the maxi pad.

[TonyBagels]

(after the guy guyerson segment)

THat actually made me miss Fez's plugs.

{Z-man's blogs}

[KNUCKLEUP]

answering a call from a guy named joe:

"hey, joe... where you goin' with that phone in your hand?"

[Chuck Schick]

Girl Eyes standing next to Burl Ives. Line of the day motherfuckers!

[Arch Stanton]

On Blowhard and Zman after the show 02/13/2008

I guarantee you John McCain didn't go through what I went through last night when he was over there captured.

[FAZ8218]

On the phone with O&A...
"Opie, it was so good to see the old confirmation suit again."

[TonyBagels]

(about the staff)

Now, I'm going to go home and think about you guys, with a shotgun in my mouth and try to come up with a reason not to do it.

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: Dave do you think you're cut out for radio?
Dave: I still do, yea.
Ron: You're wrong. Fez?
Fez: Yes, I do.
Ron: Wrong. Earl?
Earl: Yes, I do.
Ron: Wrong. Pitzy?
Pitz: Yes, I do.
Ron: Oddly enough you're correct. you didn't see that one coming, did you?

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: I don't want to see ONE of you at my funeral
Dave: Oh, I'm coming
Ron: Well, be used to my mom yelling "he did it! he's the reason!".. because I'm leaving behind an audio-will that's pointing out all of you bastards.

[Sack of Chisels]

on o&a..

"Fez's joint looks like a four year old with a credit card"

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: <inaudible>
Opie: did you just do a line, ron?
Ron: I did a quick one.... I call it a little "morning cappuccino"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While talking about Obama stealing lines from someone else's political speech....

Ron: And I know you're just going to say, "It's just another case of a black man sampling and you people just don't understand our culture..."

[Arch Stanton]

Ron to caller:
Where are you calling from?

Caller: The Poconos

Ron:
Go have some scrapple you crazy bastard. Go read a wooden newspaper

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Pitz: ....but at least I didn't have to eat the cum
Ron: Ahhh...no truer words

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay, we've got Spooge Bread, Limp Bizkit, Gooey Biscut, and Ooky Cookie. You know what we used to do back in Philly? FUCK OUR GIRLFRIENDS!!!!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Yeah, I'm thinking about trading you to O&A
ESD: What? Nooo...I don't want to leave
Ron: I can get a heck of a deal for you...Opie's been tossing around a dozen bagels
ESD: Oh c'mon, I'm worth more than that...I think
Ron: Really?

[Arch Stanton]

Someone outa lynch that Earl, lynch him like a run away slave

[Arch Stanton]

I wasn't gonna say anything but, once I saw Fez's Mom giggling during Schindlers List

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Wiki: I think it may have been a little too classy for Opie
Ron: Yeah, he was really uncomfortable in that suit. But once we told him he could take off his jacket and unclip his tie...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You're not disabled, you're not-abled!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: (while looking at the Asian stripper) Ooohh...I want to play Napalm Girl

[little e]

<Caller tries to get Earl to hit fuckwad for spewing inaccurate information>

Dave: I'd drop you like a bad habit if you try and hit me...
Ron: You've never dropped a bad habit, you alcoholic!

[little e]

Ron: It's not a bachelor party till someone gets choked by a black man...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: It's like drinking with the Girl Scouts!

[Goober]

Ron: My favorite part of E.T. [The Movie] is when the chef cums in her face.

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave's ex girlfriend)

Remember that time I was looking for her, but she was hiding in the stuffed animals.

[TonyBagels]

(intermittently throughout the show, to the tune of Sleeve's new song)

N-E-W Pease hold

[TonyBagels]

(about movies that made you laugh and cry)

Well, it [GAP] made me laugh and walk out.

[TonyBagels]

(about movies making you laugh and cry, Titanic)

I laughed when he drowned and I cried when I saw how long I was sitting there.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While talking about "Smart television shows"
Caller: What about Frazier?
Fez: It's on the list!
Ron: Yeah, two gay brothers who have a radio show...may as well just call it Ron & Fez

[Arch Stanton]

On McCain smear story:

This effects my vote. I will now vote for McCain. She is 32 he is in his 60's.

[Arch Stanton]

I'll say that if your not getting blowjobs, your not getting my vote.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Fez: Paul O brought in all the bad luck possible, with this 10" Blizzard!
Ron: Or was it Gail O? Did she call this storm in from Hell?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

while talking about Bumper-Riding...

Ron: I don't remember what exactly we used to call it, but I know we had the N-word in there...

[Arch Stanton]

Originally Posted by Dre in the listening thread:

"I don't know who I can count on in this world besides Arch."

-Ron Bennington

[Goober]

[In Conversation with Linay D.]

Ron: "Your not to young to do your own radio show...... the only problem is that your a girl"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

While looking at Lenay D's iPod....

Ron: "The Letter C," what's that song about?
Lenay: Noooo!
Ron: Oh, that's about Lilly..

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Lenay: No, lookit my ertists list! I've got All American Rejects, Avril Levigne, the Beatles, the Beatles --
Ron: You've got some awful music here...

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: (as Earl) Uhmm, what dou you thiong about a Daniel Johnston opening tomorrow?

STOP. CALLING. ME.

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : What did you think of that gossip segment?

Lenay : Like something was stolen , ripped off.

Ron : Taken from you by a whore

[DanfromBoston]

Ronny B. on his love for cutters: "I wont even date the unscarred"

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron telling Lenay not to grow up, stay a child.)

Ron : Look at Earl, he started out a small white boy.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know what name I think you should look up? Todd Hillyer!
Fez: NOOoo, you shouldn't look that name up
Ron: All I know is that he gave some money to John Kerry in 2004 and has fallen off the face of the Earth
Fez: Fat lot of good that did me
Ron: .....me? But then that means.....oh my God!

[BigWilly]

Ron: The Man from Snowy River lockdown

Wow, what a reference.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Does he still have pictures?
Friday: .....I'll have to plead the 5th
Ron: Good, cause I want to see them

[hudsonharden]

Congrats to Ronnie B., who pulled ahead of Pete Rose to become the all-time career posts leader.

[Chester'sLiver]

from Paul O's wedding:

Shell Binks was walking down the "isle" and passed by Ron he leans in and whispers "fantastic tits"..

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd


when Mikey Boy's daughters were walking by as the flower girls and he pushed part of the crowd open and was telling them to walk that way and they were. Then after Mikey's wife (I'm guessing that was her) grabbed them back the right way Ron just whispers to us "Stupid fucking kids"..


I couldn't stop laughing...the man is hysterical...

[jimmyolsenblues]

Fez:"He has been on secret service detail since last may".
Ron: "We need more than secret service...We need (dramatic pause) Double Secret Service.

[Chuck Schick]

The Hit King likes heroin.

[StonerJack]

Ron: Fuck Pete Rose!

[Bill Lehecka]

Ron: "The Hit King likes Heroin.... *roar!*"

[Tooz]

"I'm a golden God"

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron returning from his binge and congo line post-Pete rose record)

Ron : I've just started over Fez, I've got my 6 minute chip.

[Arch Stanton]

Anyway that we can get the name of the XM studio changed from The Virus to Legends Field?

[Arch Stanton]

I don't want anyone goin' through my shit. I will reign pain down.

[Arch Stanton]

We are Months away from you 2 (Fez and Earl) having sex on paltalk
Earl: I promise that is not happening.
Ron: What, you gonna get a Whooore?
You know what? You have to do it with a Virgin. You will come out with a Deerskin with blood on it.

[duggernaut]

Ron: I consider myself a patriot. But if I could get to sleep with Tiger Wood's wife, I would vote for Osama bin Laden for president of the united state. And for our children to live under robot rule. I wouldn't care...I would just be like, "smell my finger".

[KNUCKLEUP]

On Mike Huckabee's endorsement of the 'Egg is a Person' Bill:

Ronnie: "Oddly enough i had scrambled people for breakfast..."

[Goober]

Fez: "Mike Huckabee is supporting the 'egg as people' amendment.
Ron: "Oddly enough I had scrambled people this morning"

[KNUCKLEUP]

(As Earl):

"i'm sawwy, bortion doctaw can't come to teh phone wight now, peaz hode!"

[njpete]

"the only time I use a separate bedroom is when I'm bringing chicks home..."

[TonyBagels]

You gotta put the bad out of your mind, or we wouldn't have any addictions.

[Arch Stanton]

To Earl:
Your afraid to be with a Woman.

[Arch Stanton]

Black is the new Black...

Very Fuckin' hip right now.

[djeter220]

Fez: i hate the goopy, runny middle part of the egg
Ron: thats the soul

[Chuck Schick]

Ron on a caller's $1000.00 baby crib:

For $1000, that crib should be made out of pussy and cocaine.

[TonyBagels]

Dammit Guitar beat me. OK, I'll edit to one from last week:

(to Dave)
Well, there's a lot of things that you don't realize and that's because you don't take your producer's job seriously.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

damnit...I'm slow

[jimmyolsenblues]

caller: "My wife spent our whole tax rebate on a crib".
Ron:"What did it cost?"
Caller:"$1000"
Ron:"For a 1000 dollars , that crib should be made of cocaine and pussy".

[TonyBagels]

(to Dave, about him getting Luke and Joe confused)

Do you think Joe Perry from Aerosmith 90210 was sexy?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl, do you know how many times you've been the 3rd Wheel with me and my chick? Just sitting there, yammering on about Muni while we pick up the check for you?

[Arch Stanton]

The babbling brook that is George Lucas' mind

[Arch Stanton]

You know what he did with that money?
He bought a knife and stabbed an old lady

[Arch Stanton]

Is it worth $1,000 bucks a year to stay in Prison?

[R.BuddDwyer]

Ongoing LOTD:

"Here's Lorenzo, rollin' in your Benz-o"

[the max]

i don't know why, but this one really got me:

the bit on best living directors:

ron: kyle. kyle you're on ron and fez.
kyle: yeah, mel brooks.
ron: ...stop calling here, kyle.

[NortonsHeiny]

I believe he gave Earls 1/16th Cherokee name as "He who walks with Stolen TV" but I could be off a word two. Earls walking with tvs never gets old.....

[TonyBagels]

Dave: It's like flies to a lamp.
Ron: Or as I say, like douchebags to a microphone. How'd you get on the radio

[Midnight Rider]

(re: Dave) I'm coming up with douchebag to a microphone.

[TonyBagels]

(about Ron's childhood seats at the Vet)

We basically had seats in Camden

[DanfromBoston]

As a child Earl wasn't breast fed, he was nut fed

[KNUCKLEUP]

to earl, discussing reparations:

"if they were so good at building, why do they still have stick houses, in africa??"

[TonyBagels]

(to Earl)

Your people were forced to work for years without pay. I feel like I'm making it up to you, because you're doing no work and getting paid.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, when you have sex, do you like to reach around and grab a guys balls?

[Arch Stanton]

I think they should get 600 a piece. When you get the money Earl, I will say, there is your slave money.

[Arch Stanton]

I'm ashamed of the planet earth. What does anybody want to see a picture of a Baby for?

[Goober]

Babies are cute so we don't hit them with bricks.

[DanfromBoston]

Babies are cute so we dont hit them with bricks

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: See I was abusive as a child, is that why I'm like this? This is why I keep looking for victims!

[Arch Stanton]

Earl are you comfortable under white rule.....me?

[TonyBagels]

Fezzie's whole neighborhood was black and white when he was a kid. That's how old he is.

[Arch Stanton]

Imitating Beenie to Dave:

Get in here you Fuck Cunt Pussy

[Arch Stanton]

When we got a Tit Rag as a kid, we built a fort around it.

[TonyBagels]

(lilly to Fez, as a therapist)

Lilly: I don't want to get out of line, but do you self-pleasure?
Ron: Why do you think he has so many wrestling tapes?

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave. Any starter cables on your balls, anything like that

[Arch Stanton]

Ron:Why don't we water board you.
Fez: They voted that down.
Ron: They did, but we didn't

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Mikey Background: ...so we made copies of all the prints that we got for you
Ron: Oh that's so nice, I'll put those in my garbage can for later

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: The Emmys are gonna ad another catagory this year
Ron: That's Scatagory...Scatagory

[DanfromBoston]

Im starvin, Earl we got any fish?

[HumpX]

"Hit King Likes Heroin!"

[MilkmanDan]

Ron : Earl you're like 1/24th Cherokee aren't you?
Earl : Yeah, something like that.
Ron : Your Indian name would be "Runs with TV"

[Sack of Chisels]

"Didn't Nietzsche say we relive the same life over and over? Because I can't wait until I get back to being able to fuck 9th graders again. That goes back what.. 3, 4 years ago."

[Sack of Chisels]

(20 minutes into the show)
Dave: ...my asshole is so hairy, that there's always poop crumbs in there
Ron: Alright, alright... this might be the end of the show today.

[Sack of Chisels]

Ron: when is your wife's due date?
Dave: may 30th
Ron: that's when we're gonna do the 24 hour show.

[Arch Stanton]

And really, should kids go to school? They should just sit in front of the computer, that's what they will do at work anyway.

[Arch Stanton]

You want a free lunch? Tatoo free lunch across the kids forehead.

[Arch Stanton]

Launches Cowbell at Dave

Dave: Ow Fuck!

Ron: Never leave yourself open like that.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Did we say that we're the only animal who pulls out? I think we're the only mammal who's cum on a back

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Blowhard: Ronnie, just medicate and get better!
Ron: I can't take any cold medicines. If I do that, I'll be tying off by Friday

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Earl: There are a percentage of black people who won't vote for him simply because he is black!
Ron: They know. They know why and they won't vote for him

[Mobo]

(About Prince Harry in the military)

Fez: They say he's killed over 30 Taliban.

Ron the Genius: You're thinking of Paul Bunyan.

[Arch Stanton]

To Earl and Dave:

How did you 2 get to be on my show.

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, you repeat what you heard 5 mins ago.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: I masturbated this morn
Ron: What were you thinking of, shoving things up your ass?

[Arch Stanton]

About trading Dave:

I want 650 for this guy, then you can out a fridgerator up his ass.

[Arch Stanton]

Fuckin' starvin...We got any small animals back there Earl?

Earl: No Sorry, fresh out

[twotoes]

About the Coliseum:

"It's like playing in a wok. How many professional teams has that stadium chased away?"

[Arch Stanton]

Earl, you should go to a sex education class to learn how to get some.

[Arch Stanton]

I forget what the cops nickname for me was....oh yeah:

Roy Rogers

[TonyBagels]

(about Babygirl)

Fez: Useless?
Ron: I wouldn't say useless...I got a few uses for her.

[TonyBagels]

(about the Eagles (band) album titles, Reunion 2, etc)

Earl: They're openly insulting their audience.
Ron: No, they're insulting their audience with their albums.

[TonyBagels]

(to Earl)

Where are we gonna find a spot for you in this lineup, you slow-walking mother fucker?

[TonyBagels]

(to Sarah J)

You have a fiance` in Canada? Every time I hear that, it's fake.


:clap::clap::clap:

[TonyBagels]

Dave: I love eating. Especially on other people's dimes.
Ron: By eating, do you mean drinking?

[TonyBagels]

(about drinking before a movie)

Dave: I did that at Braveheart, a drank like 8 in the parking lot and took a couple in.
Ron: I'm not surprised, you did that at Nemo too

[Turtle]

Ron: You fucking ran away as an adult. I left my parents house at 17, I was on my own for seven years before you even thought about leaving the house. Fucking mongaloid.

ESD: I’m not a mongaloid.

Ron: Yes you are.

[TonyBagels]

(as fez gets upset with the Big A praise)

Fez, this will make you feel better...a break. Ron and Fez Show.

[TonyBagels]

(to Big A)

What kind of work do you do, translator?

[Friday]

To a crying Fez

"Dropping the ball.... that's what the Ron and Fez show does"

[TonyBagels]

To a crying Fez

"Dropping the ball.... that's what the Ron and Fez show does"

(Ron's next sentence)
This fuckin' show drops every pass thrown to it.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez you wanna be Gold Dust tomorrow?
Fez: Yeah, I wanna be Gold Dust.
Earl, do you wanna be Black Dust?
Earl: Yeah, I'll be Black Dust

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: I don't want to hear I need more therapy
Ron: Ok, you need more therapy

[Arch Stanton]

You know I never cry, so I went to a Funeral, reached for my wallet in my back pocket and it was gone.

[Arch Stanton]

To Fez:
You shit the bed
Rob, Rob, totally sober and he shits the bed.

[TonyBagels]

(about crying at his Grandmother's funeral)

I was looking at her in the casket. I put my hand in my pocket and found that I was missing my wallet. So I kicked her casket over and yelled, "If one of you fuckers stole my wallet, that will happen to you." and then I remembered that I left it in my coat.

[Arch Stanton]

...so I pushed her back in the coffin and stood it back up.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

after talking about how HTG's mailing address was N****r Boulevard...

ESD: Earl, it's an old, historical word!
Ron: It used to mean 'Black people...'

[Dragonwaggon77]

To Dave,

Remember when we use to call you Magic Ass. We used to say what did Magic ass put up there today.

[Chuck Schick]

Earl! Thanks a lot. Now my show is the Kansas City Monarchs.

- Ron Bennington, Super Genius -

[Arch Stanton]

To Casey on the phone:

She's Married to Evel Kestupid

[Arch Stanton]

What if we took a catheter and put one end in Dave and the other in Earl and have them piss into each other.

[Dragonwaggon77]

If we could make it so Dave was the first white man to get sicle Cell of the Dick. I would be though of as a genius.

[Lunchbox420]

Hey Ant, You have to go to change your date, I think she had a accident.

[Chuck Schick]

When a man and woman love each other, they nomenclature.

- Ron Bennington, Master of Comedy -

[njpete]

"We're out here on the corner of 57th and 'we thought this would be funnier'."

[BigWilly]

Ron talking to the Koreans:
"You know a brother over there named Yung? No?, he owes me some money."

[BigWilly]

Bolivian chicks:
"You got any coca? You know yayo? "
"They know the international language of (sniffing)"
"Bolivia! I probably put you through college."

(I think those were right)

[Dragonwaggon77]

Ron Talking to the East German's

Ron - "How are you enjoying new York"

German - Very Nice

Ron - " Yeah better than invading Poland"

[NortonsHeiny]

Dave wanting to put the tube in his pee hole "If I wish we would done this nine months ago, if I'd known this I would go back in time and fill it with cement."

[NortonsHeiny]

He makes Dave eat steak with a butter knife he's so stupid

[NortonsHeiny]

On Dave not knowing where women pee from "He thinks the piss comes down from the tits."

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron tells Dr. Steve "Morphine like substance, that was the name of my first band."

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Opie on the Dave bit "Six months later he'll pissed off because somebody named Flyboy in Connecticut stole the bit."

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Danny "Of course he's drunk it's 1:30."

[NortonsHeiny]

Regarding Stover "Normally Ant if you see somebody like Stover they'd have hedgeclippers in their hands."

[TonyBagels]

(about the Gold Dust bit)

My dream is that I have memory failure.

[TonyBagels]

(about his problem with the war in Iraq, comparing it to Vietnam)

That's the problem with this war. You've got to attack a place with some nightlife. With the chicks over there, you'd be better off with your buddy.

[TonyBagels]

Dave: I had a retarded kid in my car.
Ron: Was this Westside?

[TonyBagels]

(about picking up the tab)

I like to buy whether I'm with a girl or a guy. I've got my own problems. I yell, "What d'ya think I don't have my own money!"

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: Id anal to my wife who is 6 months pregnant?
Ron: Is that OK? Cause, you could snap it's neck, going in at a different angle.

[boardsofcanada]

"In black communities we call a black drug dealer a drug dealer. In a white community we call them in the pharmacy business. If you do it through a large corporation it's fine, if you do it on your own you're going to jail"-Ron

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Earl that's what I'm going to do, if I can raise enough money, I'm going to send you to Melon Camp this summer

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "You don't have to thank me Earl"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The only time I've ever seen a lobster fight is when you're trying to put it in a pot!

[R.BuddDwyer]

Ron: The only time I've ever seen a lobster fight is when you're trying to put it in a pot!

....close a lid on it.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Same as Africa...biggest killer in America is Blacks
Earl: Where's this info coming from?
Ron: My dad!

[hudsonharden]

"I didn't get to be the world's funniest auditor by not being able to milk a laugh."

[Arch Stanton]

Dave: We just watched the third trimester DVD of Pregnancy for Dummies

Ron: They should just call it Pregnancy for Dave

[Arch Stanton]

I may shake the baby. If the baby doesn't stop crying, I shake the baby till I see the life leave it's eyes.

[Arch Stanton]

I would not leave a bookstore with anything that said for Dummies on it.

[Arch Stanton]

You should watch a cartoon on how not to cum in women.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I used to have a neighbor who was a retard who never had a day like that where he had to go see 2 specialists in a day. And he was a legitimate water-head, his parents had to keep him in during the winter cause he'd freeze-over

[maz]

on the Lt. Gov


" I'd like to tell him he has a beautiful wife
he's never seen her
I guess he just brailles her "

[Cum_Son]

Hippo shit in an envelope?...it'll never fit.

Referring to Fez shitting in an envelope for a big ass prize winner.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave is not on the show today.

Mooch, talk over Fez.

We are a man down, but we will work to get through it.

[Arch Stanton]

Ron: I used to have a neighbor who was a retard who never had a day like that where he had to go see 2 specialists in a day. And he was a legitimate water-head, his parents had to keep him in during the winter cause he'd freeze-over

Ahahahaha!!!! Where does it come from. So quick. Quick and consistantly funny. Great post JD.

[Arch Stanton]

To Paulo:
Were you surprised when the room emptied when you screened your film?

[Goober]

Fez is afraid of everything, but choking. Just look at him.

[Arch Stanton]

Fez: So, she said, when I have an anxiety attack to look around and see that where I am is safe.

Ron: What if you are in a Wolf cage?
So, when a car is coming at you just say....I'm Safe

Is there a bear in here?


Fez: (that got me)

[Goober]

In a discussion with Paul O. & Fez about the problems Fez has...
Fez: [mentions the 900lbs Gorilla that he is not dealing with.]
Ron: I am starving here Earl... Do you have any relatives here?

[Ball of Hate]

Fez: It's like the 900 lb gorilla in the room.

Ron: I'm starving, Earl. Do you have any of your relatives back there?

[Lunchbox420]

Fez: (to Paul o) Stay put I dont need a 900lb gorilla up here

Ron: Geez Earl I am fuckin' starving we got any...of your relatives back there?

[Mobo]

HTG: "What does death sound like?"

Ron: "It sounds like [Earl] trying to hold our attention."

[Chuck Schick]

Too slow.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "I wish I had friends that did not ramble"

[Patrick B.]

when Dave was talking about preparing for his uncle's funeral, Ronnie said something like:

"Earl start frying up some shrimp."

[Arch Stanton]

In a discussion with Paul O. & Fez about the problems Fez has...
Fez: [mentions the 900lbs Gorilla that he is not dealing with.]
Ron: I am starving here Earl... Do you have any relatives here?

Fez: It's like the 900 lb gorilla in the room.

Ron: I'm starving, Earl. Do you have any of your relatives back there?

Fez: (to Paul o) Stay put I dont need a 900lb gorilla up here

Ron: Geez Earl I am fuckin' starving we got any...of your relatives back there?

Nice Tri-fecta guys

[Sack of Chisels]

"i don't like self esteem in a girl, but if she has it, i want it to be low."

[NortonsHeiny]

Fez says that someone will be like the 900 pound Gorilla in the room to which Ron states "Im starving, Earl you got any.......relatives?"

[Cum_Son]

HTG: "What does death sound like?"

Ron: "It sounds like [Earl] trying to hold our attention."

x2 such a great line, deserving a two-fer

[Jimmy's Dignity]

(while listening to Kristin the hooker's song)

Ron: Am I wrong or is this girl's father Hulk Hogan? It sounds exactly like the Hulkette's singing this

[Chuck Schick]

Lilly: I put baby powder in my hair.

Genius: Why? To look like George Washington?

[Chuck Schick]

Genius on Tom Hanks:

I wish he really thought he had AIDS and died after that Philadelphia movie.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

talking about how Tom Hanks seems to believe that he actually did the things that happen in his movies....


Ron: I really hoped that he thought he had AIDS and died after that Philadelphia movie

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Ya know, I'm sorry that his uncle died, but that guy's an asshole

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Are you kidding me? The chick takes care of the kids...all you do as a man is come home and light your check on fire

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I already have my favorite memory of Dave, and that's his last day...

[Chuck Schick]

Genius to Fezzzzz:

Of course we're a corporation. XM is a big corporation. Maybe twice as big. We're waiting...

[NortonsHeiny]

Ron refers to the hairless Earl as "The Black Powder"

[TonyBagels]

from March 5

(As Dave was telling a story about the 8th Grade Dance)

I'm sorry, I kind of zoned out as you were telling a boring story.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Dave, she probably had to drink 10 beers just so that she'd fuck you!
Dave: Accurate...

[TonyBagels]

Dave: Earl yells at PitZ so much, sometimes he goes home crying.
Ron: He should go home crying, having Earl as his boss, that's like Earth 2.

[TonyBagels]

Dave is not on the show today.

Mooch, talk over Fez.

We are a man down, but we will work to get through it.

Here's the whole line from the 13th:

Alright, so this is going to be a little bit strange for us, not having East Side Dave in. I'm going to need to divide up his responsibilities. Earl get a dildo up your ass. I'm going to need, PitZ, I need you to eat your own shit; and Mooch speak over Fez and intimidate him.

[TonyBagels]

(the 13th, shortly after; Fez told a joke)

Good one, we would never have gotten that one if Dave was here.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: So it's Spring Cleaning for Fez's heart again...

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:

Cock......You dumb Cock

[TonyBagels]

(about Dave's ....)

She's got to finish somehow. It ain't gonna be from needle-dick bug fucking her

[Goober]

[In a discussion with Lily]

Ron: Are you still having babies or are you all dried up?

[TonyBagels]

Chris, you're on the Ron & Fez show. Is this Mafialife Chris? YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!!!!

[Chuck Schick]

There ya go budday! Ya like those whoo-wah's budday?!?

[Arch Stanton]

Sick Fuckin' species, this human race. Disgusting.

[Arch Stanton]

Dave, you would be more excited/upset, shed a tear if the purple guy was laying there (in the Hospital)

[Arch Stanton]

He has his way of being Fez...

It makes him Fez

[TonyBagels]

"i don't like self esteem in a girl, but if she has it, i want it to be low."

continuing (on the 13th)

Through her tears I want her to whimper, "That's the same thing my dad did to me." You know how you want to meet a girls mom so you can see what she's going to look like. Well, I want to meet the dad, so I can see how awful he's been, and pick it up from there. Hopefully he's an abusive alcoholic, and I can go, "I'm going to fit like a comfortable pair of shoes."

[TonyBagels]

(3-13, about Fez)

You're a first responder, but on Earth 2. You'd show up to a fire or a heart attack and scream and cry.

[boardsofcanada]

No one who is high class has EVER used the term high class.

"You know what we're the Rockefellers we're having a high class party tonight"

[seeinred]

I'd like to make my 1st conversation to this epic thread.

Ron telling Dave what the doctor said - "He said to me, 'You tell that bat-faced fuckin' mo to stay away from him'"

Dave - "How'd the doctor even know who I was"

Ron - "I described you that way."

[TonyBagels]

Fez is afraid of everything, but choking. Just look at him.


the actual quote:

3-13

Fez is afraid of everything but choking. Look at those bites.

[TonyBagels]

3-13

This show is a nightmare while we're awake. Ever wake up in the middle of the night, screaming? That's our show! That's what Fez and I do!

[TonyBagels]

3-13, about Fez's fear center of his brain

Fez: It's very large in me.
Ron: Ew. Strap-on?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: The other good thing for Arthur C. Clarke is he doesn't have to put up with this shit anymore

[Arch Stanton]

Where ya callin' from brother?
Augusta, GA

Oh

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Mike the Teacher: And you're right, there's all sorts of meth & coke in the water--
Ron: Ya know, that's why I'm drinking a whole lot more water. I couldn't get into the 8 glasses a day thing before, but now...

[Monstercloud]

Ron: "Who would like an African Poison and Jelly Sandwich?"

[Mobo]

"Hey, who wants and African poison and jelly sandwich?"


see....it was funny.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: What's the big black invention Earl? Peanut butter. What are white kids allergic to? Peanut butter. I'd just say, "Who would like an African poison and jelly sandwich?"

[KNUCKLEUP]

"How come black people never looked at the stars, Earl... What's the black invention? Peanut butter. What makes all the little kids sick? Peanut butter. I always say, "Who wants an African Poison and jelly sandwich?"

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Okay Dave, how's it going to end?
ESD: Nuclear Holocaust
Ron: Pitzy?
Pitzy: Famine.
Ron: Earl?
Earl: The Flood.
Ron: And I'm going to go with the same answer...blacks.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron: "A hour with 2 hookers and an eight ball is like 5 minutes, even if you are not sharing. "NO this is daddy's medicine, you two kiss".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I tell you for a fact that I believe in Black Holes. My friend Earl came from one...

[Chuck Schick]

Edged by a nose.

I know for a fact I believe in black holes. My friend Earl came from one.

[jimmyolsenblues]

Mike the teacher: "we are so lucky to be living at this time".
Ron: "Pre-Robots....Pre-Robots...I did not sleep a wink last night, with there deer legs".

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: What causes wind?
Ron: Your ass-cheeks

[jimmyolsenblues]

Ron:"The meaning of life is find a girl with a well paved ass....a well paved ass and it all falls into place for ya".

(What does that mean? well paved?)

[jimmyolsenblues]

ron:"i think the easiest women of all are abusive victims"

[TonyBagels]

3-13

I know this, Fezzie. It seems like you're having a much better day without Dave here, today. Imagine how many times he would have shut you up by now, talked over you, brought out that fear part of that brain. You know what Dave, your uncle's gone and you're out.

[TonyBagels]

3-13, about needing the low points in life to make the good points all the better

You need the downs to feel the ups. That's what I used to say, but I was marketing.

[TonyBagels]

3-13, about ways to die

Ron: The only way really to go out good is that fuckin' bullet through the brain.
Fez: See I wonder about that. You're gonna feel it rippin' through there before it gets you.
Ron: Nah, it isn't like that. It's just like hot lead in your brain. That's all it feels like

[TonyBagels]

3-13

Ron: How's your new therapist look? Is she a looker?
Fez: Nah, she's older.
Ron: Than you? And she's still alive?

[TonyBagels]

3-13

Fez: It's not real
Ron: (whispering) It is real.
Fez: Stop whispering to that part of my brain.
Ron: That part of your brain, is your brain.

[TonyBagels]

3-13

Fez: I was in my building last night, I go to get into my elevator to get to my apartment..
Ron: Why don't you call it a deathbox, just to make you relax.
Fez: Not real, it's not real
Ron: Alright, I'm not going to be a therapist.
Fez: So I go in there..
Ron: In where? the deathbox?

[TonyBagels]

3-13

I say, to me, your uncle dies, your out. That's me. I'm old school, pre-union

[fleshy silo]

"Earl, your peoples biggest invention has been peanut butter, now it's killing little white kids........now I have to ask my kids, Do you want a African poison and jelly sandwich?"

[TonyBagels]

3-13

Caller: You know Ronnie, you're funnier without Dave there. You're more relaxed.
Ron: You know, without Dave here, I don't have to say, "Shut up Dave"

[TonyBagels]

3-13

I'll tell you what the girls brought to the show: Four breasts and two great asses.

[TonyBagels]

3-14

I probably have the only family lines that were here in those days (revolutionary war period). (PitZ) You family was over in Italy at the time. (Lilly) Your family was in Albania. Fez, you went from in Scotland and to Canada. Earl, your family was in a hull of some boat coming over here. Unfortunately, that sonofabitch didn't sink and I'm stuck with you for the rest of my life.

[TonyBagels]

3-14 about Ben Franklin

Ron: ..and till the day he died, chased pussy. He was the Elliot Spitzer, before there was an Elliot Spitzer.

[Haeder]

3/20

Earl, do you people believe in the Last Supper?

Of course we do.

What do you think he had, fried shrimp?

[TonyBagels]

I just got this message passed to me, ahh, Fez burped and he won't be back until June 1st

[TonyBagels]

Ah, what am I gonna do? you can't pick your friends. The universe gives them to you. Do you think that I'd be sitting around here with you guys?

[Arch Stanton]

Well, my Wackbag friends will be there. The LOTD guys.

[Arch Stanton]

Your dead to me Chris....Your Dead to me

[crippledalbino]

About "Gap"

"Paul O is releasing the movie, he's hoping to sell tens of them."

[Chuck Schick]

Ron: Be a man like me and apologize.

Dave: I apologize.

Ron: Pussy.

[Chuck Schick]

I wish they could do an operation on crazy.

[Chuck Schick]

What doesn't he understand about being dead to me?

[Arch Stanton]

To Dave:
If I...If He...If I...If He...Fuckin' Maroon

[Arch Stanton]

This show is like a guy on a raft in the middle of the ocean trying to entertain people

[Arch Stanton]

I wish Obama wouldactually come out to this:

Cues Sleeves 'New Pease Hode

[Arch Stanton]

To Earl:

You've proved that there is no difference between dogshit over substance

[Chuck Schick]

Robots don't need money for crack. And thats going to save you a lot of stabbings.

I've never seen a bunch of robots standing on a corner grabbing ass when a white woman walks by.

Has a robot ever molested its own daughter? No futher questions.

[Arch Stanton]

Who's on the phones today?
Earl: Larry Bird
Larry Bird? Good luck Rook

[Midnight Rider]

re: Olsen twins

I'd fuck those two spider monkeys in a heartbeat

[Arch Stanton]

Caller: Un-sexiest woman ever is Beanie
Ron: Cowbell ring!!!

[Arch Stanton]

I'd go down on Janet Reno after she didn't shave for a year before I'd go down on Beanie.

[Chuck Schick]

(To Earl about his Grandmother)

Why didn't you call her Mamma. Or Aunt Jamamma.

[Barbwire Mike]

"The Annie Hall look? Earl likes the Monty Hall look. You still with that Earl? Or is it now the Rich Hall look, where he bangs you from behind having you read Sniglets."

[Chuck Schick]

HTG: E-rock had a birthday this week.

Ron: Who's E-rock?

HTG: He's a producer on the O & A show.

Ron: Ohhh. Sam.

[Chuck Schick]

Dave: I am who I am.

Ron: Oh...you're Pusspye. The pussy-whipped sailor.

[TonyBagels]

Fez (on phone about him being out): Dodged another bullet.
Ron: Yeah, this one missed you by just a million miles.

[TonyBagels]

Fez is home recovering from not having a heart attack.

[MilkmanDan]

(Ron and Dave on Aliens)

Dave : The problem is if we don't give the aliens what they want we could be involved in some intergalactic war.

Ron : Why don't you just bend over and spread your asshole open right now.

[MilkmanDan]

(Caller on giving the Aliens the 5,000,000 people they require)

Caller : Why don't we just send them all the retards and redheads?

Ron : Don't be redundant.

[duggernaut]

Ron: I wouldn't joke with Bob Costas....but I would choke Bob Costas.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I need a vacation from my 15 hours a week of bustin' balls....that's like taking a vacation from lunch!

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: I don't want to go see a movie in the theatres where I will have to deal with a running commentary. And Earl, I'm not looking at you....I'm looking at your race

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: You know those cowboys don't have any toilet paper out there with them. What are they using? A stick?!?

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Dean: Their hand?
Ron: Ugh, their hand...that's all that seperates us from the Muslims. You ever smell Lilly's hand?
Dean: Oh it's awful
Fez: Disgusting!
Ron: I love it

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Hick Caller: Ya know what was the last comedy that really made me laugh out loud? The original American Pie...it brought me back to the 1980's and Porky's and stuff like that.
Ron: Yeah. You wanna stop calling? <click>

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Ron: Richie...I'm gonna send you into the Big Assed Prize Closet......but it's only to get your name and address. So be careful!

[Chuck Schick]

You know the Sam & Sam show right? Which Sam do they call E-rock?

[crippledalbino]

On Dave's wife encouraging him to leave the show, his wife, and his child for bigger and better things:

"They know that this is your time to find a flashier wife and a more born child!"

[Chuck Schick]

{Oh here comes Fez with his OH-PIN-YON}

This is turning into Good/No Good.

[Jimmy's Dignity]

Caller: Earl, is Ron going to Heaven or Hell?
Earl: Heaven!
Ron: Well that's good for me Earl, but it's bad for you because I'm going to make your Heaven a living Hell