Your Sexual Misinformation

[HumpX]

Listening to the replay of todays show I figured I'd post up a confessional thread for your own ridiculous beliefs when you were coming of age (or maybe even now you twisted fucks). We all had them and mine was a doozy leading to comedy GOLD!

For some reason I was of the belief that girls had no hole. Let me repeat that.....no hole.

In my mind it was simply some flesh stretched down and sewed into the taint area devoid of anything except hair (think silence of the lambs). Babies were produced by rubbing ones cock in the general area of her crotch where some magical osmosis would take over and produce a kid (I could never figure where the kid came from once the appointed hour came, but I digress).

At around the same time there was this hot little Portuguese chick a couple years older than me who was a neighbor. I was around 9 and she hadn't hit puberty yet but we would both grope each other through clothes etc. One day laying on towels after a swim we decided to show each others goods. When she pulled hers aside and the sun hit it my mind tried to cope with what I was looking at. It tried to recognize her massive set of vaginal lips as hair but my stomach rejected that theory and promptly projectile vomited on the poor kid. I was so fucking horrified and embarrassed that the rest of the summer was spent in my room trying to work out what the fuck it was that I saw at that terrible moment. I knew my belief of what a girls cunt consisted of was now wrong but because of the lack of any reference it completely threw me. My mind would keep replaying the moment she pulled aside her little one-piece like some grisly scene out of a horror movie and I got physically ill every time.. She would come over every day but I'd scream at my mom to tell her I was sick. She would stand outside in my yard yelling up asking me what was wrong but I wouldn't answer. Yes, i was a little douchebag.

Anyhow, during my days in the house I ended up coming across my brothers stash of porn. I had 4 brothers and all were degenerates so there was plenty of reading. It was a fortuitous find as it actually educated me on exactly what a females sexual organs looked like. One paperback called "The Spaniards", a European import as it had lots of references to things like "Spunk" and "Quim" ("He shot his thick load of spunk onto her quivering quim") was re-read a hundred times. One find was a real jackpot. At the bottom of my old mans closet i found a hardcore (and I mean hardcore) book. Remember that this was around 1969-70 so hardcore stuff was almost impossible to get outside a major US city. Most of the guys looked like the unabomber when he was found and the chicks all looked like Janis Joplin except uglier (if thats possible). Great stuff. I took the book for myself as my father couldn't say a thing because if my religious mother found out she'd kick him the fuck out. He quietly asked me one day when my mom had gone shopping:

Dad: "did you....ahhh...find a magazine in my room by any chance?"

Me: "NO!"

he knew but tough shit, I needed it more.

It taught me what genitals actually looked like and how they function. No thanks to my parents. No thanks to my school.

-The End :rolleyes:


Anyhow, your turn. :action-sm

[TreeFortRichard]

great story hump, that image of you puking on your neighbor is disney worthy!

[boardsofcanada]

...and to think i clicked on this thread with the intention of reading

[FatassTitePants]

I used to think females were loyal, interesting, and honest. It has recently come to my attention that all three are severely incorrect.

[ADD Theater]

I didn't know what cum was for a long time, maybe until around 6th grade. In elementary school, kids used to spill their chocolate milk and yell, "****** cum! ****** cum!" I laughed but had no idea what it was.

I think I figured out that you stuck your dick in a pussy but I had no idea about the other stuff (semen, menstruation, etc..) for a while.

[cokelogic]

Last week I learned women don't have dicks.

[pike]

I knew this thread was coming..

when I was a wee boy, I thought:
1: chicks had dicks
2: babies were made when a boy and a girl kissed, AND at the same time their dicks touched

fortunately I learned otherwise fairly quickly when a lil friend of mine wanted to play "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" during a slideshow presentation in kindergarten. needless to say, the school was not pleased and that was my first & last year at catholic school..

[wes mantooth]

I used to think women gave birth through their assholes.

[HumpX]

I used to think women gave birth through their assholes.

They don't? :icon_eek:

[EvilEva]

I used to think that babies came out of the woman's belly button, I also didn't know that boys had balls - I knew about penises but not balls. I thought boys had penises strictly so they could pee standing up.

I thought that on a girl's 13th birthday she magically grew a pair of boobs and that was the day you got your 1st bra. I wasn't informed about periods until I was 10 & not a moment too soon because I got my 1st period about 6 weeks later (I would have probably thought I was dying if I haddn't been told).

& I too also thought babies were made whan a man kissed a woman.

[Dave _from_Kiev]

In 4th grade one of my friends asked me If I knew what cum was (he hinted that it came out of your dick and was white) so not knowing I guessed that it was the foam in the toilet when I took a piss. I was laughed at by the "guys" who knew what it was.

[BikiniTini]

I completely thought that sex was a guy just laying on top of a girl. . .I had no idea what cum was, I swore it only came out of you if you had some sort of disease. . .

Boys used to run around all the time when we were kids and talk about their boners. I thought they had a cool toy that us girls didn't. . .:icon_mrgr

[shakespear]

I saw this kid a grade below me, almost retarded named Frank. He was in the 6th grade. I got to see Frank comment on one of the girls in his class in front of other boys from his class. The comment:

"Man, I would love to lick Hope's balls...."


Myself, I used to think girls didnt poop.

[Smokezilla]

I used to think that girls couldn't fart. :idontknow

My aunt says that when I was around 4 years old, she told me how I "broke her heart" when I did something fucked-up that she wanted me to stop. I replied, "Girls don't have hearts: They've got titties!" and went right back to whatever it was that I had initially been doing.:icon_lol:

Oh, yeah. . . I knew girls didn't have a "bird" between their legs. My Mom and Dad told my little brother and me that a girl had a "pooh-tommy" instead. My little brother was always trying to sneak into the bathroom to try to see a "pooh-tommy" when a little girl (who mother worked for us in the family business) would go to the toilet. He once hid in a laundry hamper and popped-out on her while she was shitting when I was about 5. . . I still laugh about that one.:loll2:

BY THE BY: I've laughed my ass off at this fucking thread thusfar. . . Nice thread, HumpX!:action-sm

[ragecage]

Myself, I used to think girls didnt poop.

Girls Poop?

In the words of Jim Norton, "EWWWWWWWW!"

[HumpX]

Girls Poop?

In the words of Jim Norton, "EWWWWWWWW!"

The absolute LAST thing Norton would say about girls poop would be "EWWWWW" :icon_wink

[ragecage]

The absolute LAST thing Norton would say about girls poop would be "EWWWWW" :icon_wink


Good point, sir. Good point.

[MyKneeGrows]

My brother once told me that if you jerk off before penetration, you couldn't get a girl pregnant. I was 11-12, he was 15-16.

What a fucktard.

[NotSoFast]

I used to think women gave birth through their assholes.
ESD's mom did. "FACE" that, you annoying bitch! :devil:

[TreeFortRichard]

my brother convinced a girl in highschool that if he pulls out she is still a virgin and she promptly fucked 4 guys in a night...and of course thought she was a virgin still...

[ern]

I was told by my friends that if you peed in a chick after you came in her, she couldn't get pregnant, that the piss killed the sperm.

Thank god I never used that form of birth control. And some people wonder why the birth rates in philly and south jersey are so high.

Nice thread, I have been laughing like crazy.

[ImAlrightSpider]

I found Dad's "Hustler" magazine when I was in 4th grade. Of course, I checked out the pictures, and there was no more confusion about what a girl has in her pants. Ohhhh, I can still picture it! Being the good little reader that I was, after I stared at the pictures I read a story about Golden Showers.

Dad realized that I had found the magazine, and I got the talk. At the end, he wanted to know if I had any questions. Of course, I asked why the man in the story peed on the lady. Apparently, Dad had not read the magazine yet because he denied that it ever happened. I thought that I had misunderstood something about blowing a load on the girl. I knew what I read, though.

[alaskanpipeline]

I've had it pretty close since a young age.
When I was in 2nd grade, i used to think that sex was when a guy takes a shit a on girls chest and then titty-fucks her (using the shit as lubricant). Then the girl eats the shit and gets pregnant. A coat-hanger is then used to get the baby out of her.

After I learned that this wasnt quite right, I found out that sex is when you stick your PP in a girls Vuh-Jay-Jay from behind (later to be known as doggy-style). The guy then says, "who's the boss? who's the boss?" Then the girls says, "You are! You are!" Then the guy donkey-punches the girl in the back of the head and says, "Wrong Bitch! It's Tony Danza!" He then squirts a white liquid at the girl, who is knocked out on the floor.

[dizzypeach]

I used to think females were loyal, interesting, and honest. It has recently come to my attention that all three are severely incorrect.

Awwww... Don't generalize us women... hint... hint...if a girl sucks your dick the first night she meets you, don't make her your girlfriend....

i thought making out was touching lips and shaking your head side to side...(sad music)...i know.. :icon_wink

[SurlyTruckDrivr]

Listening to the replay of todays show I figured I'd post up a confessional thread for your own ridiculous beliefs when you were coming of age (or maybe even now you twisted fucks). We all had them and mine was a doozy leading to comedy GOLD!

For some reason I was of the belief that girls had no hole. Let me repeat that.....no hole.

In my mind it was simply some flesh stretched down and sewed into the taint area devoid of anything except hair (think silence of the lambs). Babies were produced by rubbing ones cock in the general area of her crotch where some magical osmosis would take over and produce a kid (I could never figure where the kid came from once the appointed hour came, but I digress).

At around the same time there was this hot little Portuguese chick a couple years older than me who was a neighbor. I was around 9 and she hadn't hit puberty yet but we would both grope each other through clothes etc. One day laying on towels after a swim we decided to show each others goods. When she pulled hers aside and the sun hit it my mind tried to cope with what I was looking at. It tried to recognize her massive set of vaginal lips as hair but my stomach rejected that theory and promptly projectile vomited on the poor kid. I was so fucking horrified and embarrassed that the rest of the summer was spent in my room trying to work out what the fuck it was that I saw at that terrible moment. I knew my belief of what a girls cunt consisted of was now wrong but because of the lack of any reference it completely threw me. My mind would keep replaying the moment she pulled aside her little one-piece like some grisly scene out of a horror movie and I got physically ill every time.. She would come over every day but I'd scream at my mom to tell her I was sick. She would stand outside in my yard yelling up asking me what was wrong but I wouldn't answer. Yes, i was a little douchebag.

Anyhow, during my days in the house I ended up coming across my brothers stash of porn. I had 4 brothers and all were degenerates so there was plenty of reading. It was a fortuitous find as it actually educated me on exactly what a females sexual organs looked like. One paperback called "The Spaniards", a European import as it had lots of references to things like "Spunk" and "Quim" ("He shot his thick load of spunk onto her quivering quim") was re-read a hundred times. One find was a real jackpot. At the bottom of my old mans closet i found a hardcore (and I mean hardcore) book. Remember that this was around 1969-70 so hardcore stuff was almost impossible to get outside a major US city. Most of the guys looked like the unabomber when he was found and the chicks all looked like Janis Joplin except uglier (if thats possible). Great stuff. I took the book for myself as my father couldn't say a thing because if my religious mother found out she'd kick him the fuck out. He quietly asked me one day when my mom had gone shopping:

Dad: "did you....ahhh...find a magazine in my room by any chance?"

Me: "NO!"

he knew but tough shit, I needed it more.

It taught me what genitals actually looked like and how they function. No thanks to my parents. No thanks to my school.

-The End :rolleyes:


Anyhow, your turn. :action-smwas this girls name Wendy Testaberger?? And I used to think the same thing, I knew that there was a fucking motion, but had no idea what happened from there, I just thought you got on top of a girl and humped away. Thanks to the shower scenes in Stripes and Porky's, I got a look and thinks worked themselves out.

[SuperMatt]

I thought that a vagina was located higher in the genital region. Looking at my friend's sister's Barbies naked didn't help since they had nothing. I had no idea that the vagina and the asshole were so close.

And I thought cum was honey. My brother and I I stole one of our dad's pornos and for some reason we thought she put honey on the guys dick for flavoring.

[Angelfuck]

luckily I had these books at a very young age http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/imageDB.cgi?isbn=0818402539
http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/imageDB.cgi?isbn=0818403128

so I pretty much got it... but my brother told a 6 year old boy that liked me that I would like him if he showed me his penis, which he did the next time he saw me, and I yelled at him and ran away, poor kid

[GLENN_THE_TOOL]

i never really thought of it as a child, or at least didn't want to. i had a sister and we'd take baths together when we were toddlers, so i knew what girls had down there, but for some reason the whole process of sex, conception, and childbirth hardly ever crossed my mind. my best friend told me about sex when i was about 11 or 12, he told me you take your penis and put it in a girl's pussy (i recall being puzzled by the idea of calling a bodypart such a strange name like a "pussy") and you lie on top of her to have sex. i don't think he ever explained what cum was or what it did though and i eventually found out on my own. he may have said that you have to pee inside the girl's pussy to get her pregnant, but that could be my memory playing tricks on me since that's what Jim Breuer said on the show once when he was telling the story about how he found out about sex.

i remember i was around 13 when the hormones kicked in, and i recall finding some little booklet with erotic stories in the mail one day, one of those little books they occasionally send when you call a phone sex line (which means my father must have called them since i had no idea about how to even come across a phone sex line). i'd get hard-ons reading the stories and looking at the pics and not know what to do. but i had a really severe crisis of conscience looking at that book and after a while i burned it secretly in the back of my driveway and dumped the ashes down the drain gutters.

[Premarital Sex]

When I was 5 I remember watching a child birth on tv and thought that babies came out of the leg. I didn't know there was a 'vagina' until maybe two or three years later, so all I saw was the doctor taking the baby from her leg area and thought that was it.

I have brothers that are 8 and 14 years older than me, so by age 8, I knew most of the basics.

[pike]

i had a sister and we'd take baths together
HOT!!!

[Hoo Hoo Howie]

When I was in 4th grade, one of my friends in 6th grade tried to explain sex to me, and described cum as a clear fluid that came out of your dick. He neglected to tell me that in order to cum, you had to have sex or jerk off. So one day I take a piss at school and it was one of those clear non-yellow pisses. I came home and told my buddy that I shot some cum at school while taking a piss and he loffed and loffed at me. I felt like a douche.

Never had any misconceptions though about vaginas or cocks. I knew who had what parts because I had a small cousin who's pussy I got to look at when they changed her diaper. HOT.

[DREW]

luckily I had these books at a very young age http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/imageDB.cgi?isbn=0818402539
http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/imageDB.cgi?isbn=0818403128

so I pretty much got it... but my brother told a 6 year old boy that liked me that I would like him if he showed me his penis, which he did the next time he saw me, and I yelled at him and ran away, poor kid


Well, congrats on creatin another James Gum:clap: :clap: :clap:

[Glenn Dandy]

I just pictured girls having a hole like if my dick was chopped off, in the same erea.

just a hole. like a blowhole on a whale.lol

And i thought they cut babys out of your stomach... cause my mom got fixed and showed me the stitches,,,

Quoting bikini tini...Boys had a cool toy we didnt called a boner"

So true:) I still play with mine everyday.

[wouldja?]

I was an only child until 10. Just before my brother was born, I asked my mom where the scar (baby exit) was going to be on her "tummy". She informed me that the the baby will be coming out of "her peepee". Her exact words. About 10 seconds later she was cleaning my puke off the kitchen floor. Also about the same time, as my friends and I were walking home from school, a buddy of mine informed me that a woman was made pregnant by having a man piss in her vagina. Without hesitation I blurted out "Duh, I know that". I accepted that as fact until I was about 14. What a little idiot I was.

[IBrokeMyLegDude]

I used to think women were evil.

Now, I know they are

[notalentassclwn]

I used to think women didnt like taking it in the rear. Well i was wrong there

[alabamatrucker]

When i was a young lad,growing up in alabama i had an older brother. At around age 11 me and my friends started looking at his magazines and trying to figure out what the hell these people were doing. I remember looking at it and getting hard but not knowing how to jerkoff or anything else. I thought that when girls gave blowjobs they just blew air on your dick. I didnt realize they actually put it in their mouth. O well now i know all women are whores no matter who they are and they all cheat and none can be trusted. Always remember that and you will live a happy life.

[Special Eddie]

Last week I learned women don't have dicks.

Don't tell that to Jimmy. He might freak out.

[Hudson]

I didn't know playing doctor with your neighbor after we hit puberty was a bad thing....until her mom walked in and caught me taking her daughters oral temperature

[HumpX]

When i was a young lad,growing up in alabama i had an older brother.

after reading your name I am hesitant to go any further into your story :icon_wink

[Smokezilla]

I have laughed outloud more than just a couple of times reading this thread. . . keep those childhood emotional scars a comin'!!!:icon_lol: :clap: :action-sm

While I was in my early teens, I had a crush on every single adult woman in the neighborhood. They were all in their early- to mid-thirties and weren't bad looking. I remember seeing them all 3 sunbathing together one day at my nextdoor neighbor's house (whose Mom was pretty hot!!!) when I was probably 14 or so. I can vividly remember daydreaming about an open-air orgy: me and all 3 of those cunts. . . that night I dreamed about one of them. . . she was begging me to fuck her and I remember looking-down at her pussy and it had teeth. . . I still don't know what that Freudian shit meant. I'm 38 now and I still remember that dream to this very day.

[Glenn Dandy]

When i was a young lad,growing up in alabama i had an older brother. At around age 11 me and my friends started looking at his magazines and trying to figure out what the hell these people were doing. I remember looking at it and getting hard but not knowing how to jerkoff or anything else. I thought that when girls gave blowjobs they just blew air on your dick. I didnt realize they actually put it in their mouth. O well now i know all women are whores no matter who they are and they all cheat and none can be trusted. Always remember that and you will live a happy life.
ha ha, i thought they just blew on it too.....Im also QFT on the rest of your post.:icon_conf

[Exanimate]

I really can't think of many that I had. I always had a pretty good understanding of what was going on. I was really young, and we had borrowed the Terminator movie. Well one day I got up to do something at the end of the movie, and didn't turn it off. It usually just went to the white noise fuzzy screen anyway. Porn was recorded on the tape, and I learned everything I needed to know. I think I was 8 or so. I learned everything to get me started. I learned about money shots that day, and remember thinking that something was wrong with me, because I would jerk off like a monkey, and nothing ever happened.

[Gyp]

I thought that when the woman was ready to give birth a hole magically opened up in the stomach and the baby came out that way.

[duGandfriends]

I always knew what sex was, but

I thought a mommy and daddy had to love each other and that was the only time sex occurred. I quickly learned otherwise.

[Flashman]

I knew the body parts, but not the fluids involved in sex.

I had to ask my older cousin - "So, to get a girl pregnant, where do you pee? In her vagina or in the butt?"

He LOL'd and ROFL'd, but didn't help. Thanks for nuthin'.

[Beeman99]

I didn't understand how kissing could make babies, even after health class in elementary school I still didn't believe them when they said the penis and vagina make babies. I probably thought that until grade 7 or so. Maybe that's why I didn't kiss a girl until I was 17.

[shittingmidget]

I was always the only boy in a neighborhood with girls so I knew early on what girls had. I found out about 6 but always thought that the only thing you had to do to get a girl pregnant was stick it inside her and pull it out. I knew nothing of jacking off until I was about 14 when I soaped up in the shower. I was a raw dicked little monkey for several months.

My family has a very repressed attitude about sex. I guess growing up Baptist will do that to you. When I turned 18, my "mommy" gave me a book titled "what's happening to me" It was so thoughtful to be told about sex two years after having sex for the first time.

[blinkdmb]

I have two stores to add to this, I was pretty young when i saw my first Vag. I was playing with my neighbor emily on her swing set, we went into the closed part by the slide and played you show me mine i'll show you yours. I was like 8 years old. I also always thought that much the opposite of the first (?) poster, I used to think that girls just had a big hole down there.
When I was in like 6th or 7th grade I hit the motherload. I was snooping around my garage and looked in my dads old briefcase, sure enought there was a huge stack of hustlers and playbos. I used to rip pictures out and hide them in my room. I also brought them to school one day and kept them im my locker for like a year or so. Oh god what else.......

When I was in 5th grade my neighbors were all older and were all bragging that they were having wet dreams and that they could cum. I of course didn't want to be left out and told them I had one too, they didn't believe me so they asked how big was the puddle. I made my hands look like I was immitating a manhole cover, figuring it was like piss and they all laughed at me.

Ah memories

[Sinn Fein]

I also thought the vag was just a hole and was located a lil' higher up. My parents didn't help either. If you look up repressed in the dictionary, their picture is there. They thought the solution was to keep me and my brother away from those nasty vaginas and send us to all-boys private Catholic high school. Of course they then sent my sister to all-girls private Catholic high school.

[Ploppy]

I used to think women gave birth through their assholes.

That would certainly explain the guy that folds Jimmy's shirts.

hint...if a girl sucks your dick the first night she meets you, don't make her your girlfriend....

It would make me her boyfriend until she told me different.

During the mid 80's after I discovered my new favorite hobby, I thought it was possible to give yourself an STD, up to and including AIDS, if you got jizz on an cut on your finger after jerking off. My mom couldn't understand why we were going through so many Band-Aids.