Open letter to Fez - re: the quilt

[Haeder]

February 2, 2007

Dear Fez,

On January 3, 2007, during the "whadda ya want?" segment, I sought your advice on what to get my dad for his 75th birthday. You told me a quilt with pictures of his grandchildren on it would be a nice gift. The Toots Shore Ashtray debacle made me a little reluctant to take your advice. That and the fact that my initial gift idea was a 21 year old bottle of Glenlivet Archive single malt scotch. Dad enjoys sipping scotch and won't spend more than $15 on a bottle.

In the end, I put my faith in Fez.

$500 later and I've got a custom made quilt, complete with machine-embroidered images of his 10 grandkids.

Dad turns 75 on February 22nd. We're having a family gathering on the weekend of February 17th to celebrate. All of his kids (me plus three brothers), our spouses and all of our kids will be there.

My gift giving reputation, and my opinion of Fez, now hangs in the balance.

If this goes well, I'll refer to you as the Giftmaster General, sing your praises and recommend your gift consulting services to the masses.

If this goes bad, So help me Fez....I'll demand that you never give gift advice to anyone ever again as long as you live and, furthermore, I'll also demand that you never give another gift that's not cash.

I'm pulling for you on this one Fez, I really am.

Yours,

Haeder

[maf54]

Normally i'd say that a quilt is a bad gift idea for any guy, but that sounds nice. I say he's a dick if he doesn't at least pretend to like it.

post pics

[Goober]

You told me a quilt with pictures of his grandchildren on it would be a nice gift.

I was surprised when I heard this advice. Who knew that Fez was into quilting? Before you know it, he will be bringing centerpieces to a dinner parties.

[Garyisajoke]

I think you did the right thing. He'll be 75? I think he'll really appreciate it. Keep us posted.

[BCH]

When I'm 75 if one of my daughters buys me a quilt as a gift, I'm tying it around their ankles and hanging them from the roof for the day. You mean I could have had a bottle of scotch and I'm sitting under pictures of my grandchildren to keep warm while I'm sober? Sheesh!

[Angelfuck]

you got the scotch too right...?

[mikepop]

Quilts are for Grannys

[jagsfans]

Damn thats funny. I remember this call and I am anxiously awaiting the outcome.

[NuttyJim]

I thought only people with aids got quilts :icon_roll

[maf54]

bah, come on people. it's a quilt with pictures of his grandchildren sewn into it. I'm a guy and i would hate to get a quilt, but that seems really cool.

[Havoc]

yeah this really seems like a sweet gift. you might not be into it now but when you get to that age you will like it

[hoo cares]

Nice gift....Now send the scotch down here to Richmond, willya?

[RMPGP]

I also remember this call. That's wonderful you are doing this. Call back into the show ok?

[RMPGP]

Also surprised there haven't been any AIDS quilt references in this thread yet.

[cigarsandscotch]

you got the scotch too right...?I hope I have grandkids like you when I'm older.

[cigarsandscotch]

^
ll Just in case I don't have any like you, can you sit on my lap now?

[Haeder]

I won't be posting any pictures of the quilt because it is in a cedar box and folded in such a way that I'd never get it put back right. Maybe I'll get some pictures during the birthday celebration.

No, I didn't buy the scotch too. Had to be a 100% Fez gift or we'd never be able to accurately measure the quality of his gift-giving advice. We'll all know in two short weeks if Fez is the hero or goat of the gift consulting world.

That $125 bottle of Glenlivet Archive will just have to wait until Father's Day.

[BCH]

I hope I have grandkids like you when I'm older.


You mean you're not already old enough to be her Grandpa?

[Earth2murf]

Dude Fags...i mean Gay guys love quilts...if you were a good grand kid you get your grand dad a 18 year old whore like the ones he was banging in France in 42

[Iron Duke]

I wouldn't give a quilt to a 'mo, but thats just me. Money, booze or porn. Can't go wrong.

[Lil Precious]

A quilt to go with his robe, tears and li'l dog.

don't forget his warm bowl of broth.

[sknight]

Here (http://www.aidsquilt.org/view.htm) is a quilt Fezzie would love.

[MilkmanDan]

I just cant find a picture of a fainting goat to shop into a quilt. Damnit.

[TonyBagels]

History lesson, when Europeans came here they "traded" with the Indians by giving them blankets with the intent on killing them with small pox. I hope your dad isn't a History Channel fan.:action-sm

[Haeder]

Ok Fez....don't say you weren't warned.

If I have to snowshoe my way across half of the US and wait for you on the streets of Retard Island to get my money back if your gift bombs, I will.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.....

[Bill Lehecka]

You can't take a quilt with you, but at least an old man could enjoy a nice single malt scotch before his death and remember that.

The quilt is a HORRIBLE idea.

[HumpX]

buy him a $15 bottle of Scotch to soften the creepy feeling of having the family gathered on his lap.

[FartHammer]

This quilt has to be the gayest present I have ever heard of!!!

[cigarsandscotch]

You mean you're not already old enough to be her Grandpa?
You hurt me BCH....you hurt me.

http://www.port88.freeserve.co.uk/dirty-old-man.jpg

[3R1L]

$125 bottle of Glenliviet? How about a $45 bottle of OE to wash it down. If you're spending that much go for the 18 year McCallan.

[Angelfuck]

^
ll Just in case I don't have any like you, can you sit on my lap now?
only if we can play a game that involves me receiving a piece of candy at the end :icon_wink You hurt me BCH....you hurt me.

http://www.port88.freeserve.co.uk/dirty-old-man.jpg

HOT!!!
i have daddy issues :icon_redf

[Vyce]

I have genuine affection for Fez. But this is a shittier gift idea than even the ashtray. Or Snugglers.

[Gonzoid]

I think this would have been a better gift for a grandmother. Ron is right, he is going to say how great it is...put it in a box in the closet...and never take it out again. Sorry bro.

[Garyisajoke]

A quilt to go with his robe, tears and li'l dog.

Fez has AIDS? Maybe that's why he's been farting so much lately, goddamn T-Cells are trying to get out of his body any way possible. I think an organ's going to come out next time. Poor guy... Especially because he's used to organs going in his ass, not coming out.

[jagsfans]

Well......

Was the gift a hit or did it go over like a Fez fart at Ronnie's house?

[buffcomic]

he saw the quilt and had an urge to fuck a black man....Earl?????

[Haeder]

Dad opens quilt....<crickets>

"This is a nice blanket. Thanks."

Back into the box and off to the side it goes.

More to follow.......

[Garyisajoke]

Dad opens quilt....<crickets>

"This is a nice blanket. Thanks."

Back into the box and off to the side it goes.

More to follow.......

maybe you should have bought him the Kathy Bates collection instead.

[Angelfuck]

Dad opens quilt....<crickets>

"This is a nice blanket. Thanks."

Back into the box and off to the side it goes.

More to follow.......

well thats a surprise, did he even look at it?

[Garyisajoke]

I feel terrible that you were duped by Fez. If you want to set up a Paypal to get your dad that bottle of scotch, I'm down for a few bucks.

[Haeder]

well thats a surprise, did he even look at it?

Yep. Looked it up and down, checked out all the pictures of the grandkids, smiled and said, "This is a nice blanket. Thanks." It was an honest reaction. Not like he loved or hated the quilt. It just wasn't something that created a gushing reaction - like a 21 year old bottle of Glenlivet Archive would have.

Big hit with the ladyfolk though.

[Lil Precious]

Big hit with the ladyfolk though.

and Fezz...

Fezzie the JINX!!!

[Vyce]

well thats a surprise, did he even look at it?

Why the fuck would he, he's a man.

Seriously, Fez is such a woman. And I don't mean that in the gay connotation. I mean, sometimes he acts just like an old woman. This quilt shit is a gift that my mom would think was a good idea, and she's in her 60s.

[hotshot70]

the quilt is a nice idea, but you would not use it. You couldn't put it on the bed because you wouldn't want to sit on any of the portraits. Also, if you were about to have a makeout session and want to wrap in a blanket, the faces of your family would be a mood killer!

[Ted the Poster]

I won't be posting any pictures of the quilt because it is in a cedar box and folded in such a way that I'd never get it put back right. Maybe I'll get some pictures during the birthday celebration.

No, I didn't buy the scotch too. Had to be a 100% Fez gift or we'd never be able to accurately measure the quality of his gift-giving advice. We'll all know in two short weeks if Fez is the hero or goat of the gift consulting world.

That $125 bottle of Glenlivet Archive will just have to wait until Father's Day.
75 year old man? Cedar box? There's a cruel joke in there somewhere.:rolleyes:

I have genuine affection for Fez. But this is a shittier gift idea than even the ashtray. Or Snugglers.
I can only hope that I never know Fez well enough to receive a gift from him.

[Not You]

HA HA HA! You should have taken Earth2murf's advice. A Viagra and a nice piece of strange for him would have been the best gift, even if it killed him.

[aromain]

Yep. Looked it up and down, checked out all the pictures of the grandkids, smiled and said, "This is a nice blanket. Thanks." It was an honest reaction. Not like he loved or hated the quilt. It just wasn't something that created a gushing reaction - like a 21 year old bottle of Glenlivet Archive would have.

Big hit with the ladyfolk though.

Queer

[Newmania]

Big surprise there.

[Death Metal Moe]

Toddy Autism fucked your whole gift up man. I would demand, at the very least, 3 good prizes from the prize closet.

[Angelfuck]

Toddy Autism fucked your whole gift up man. I would demand, at the very least, 3 good prizes from the prize closet.

you're making a very large assumption that there are any good prizes in the prize closet :icon_wink

[Hobo_Cum]

Why the fuck would he, he's a man.

Seriously, Fez is such a woman. And I don't mean that in the gay connotation. I mean, sometimes he acts just like an old woman. This quilt shit is a gift that my mom would think was a good idea, and she's in her 60s.

FEZ IS GAY?!!??!?!?!?!??!?!#?%!%(*!&P*!&)#%(*&!#%

:icon_eek: :icon_eek:

[Haeder]

you're making a very large assumption that there are any good prizes in the prize closet :icon_wink

Ron, God bless him, sent me into the prize closet after that call. [If there was a cowbell icon, it would go here] I've got the "Selections from Sinatra" CD on my desk. The case is cracked - came that way. That's what my quilt call was worth to Fez.

<hulk music>

[HummerTuesdays]

At least you got your prize. I got through on the Free FM show, kissed ass, got to the prize closet, and...it never showed up. Oh well. Life goes on. :)

[BCH]

I hang up before going to the prize closet. I'm an ass.

[Haeder]

In honor of Fez Appreciation Day I offer to Fez a full and unconditional pardon for such horrid advice.

The $500 hit, a goodly portion of my monthly income, will be mine alone to bear.

Happy Fez Appreciation Day.