Favorite Monty Python lines

[BeerBelly]

And now for something completley different.

[The Sarge]

"It's.................."

[CM Mark]

"There are those that call me............................Tim?"



http://magiccards.info/scans/en/tsts/29.jpg

[BCH]

"Skip a bit Brother"

"That's enough merriment for now"

"One, Two, FIVE!" "Three sir." "Right THREE!"

"Quiet! You'll be stone dead in a moment"

[GoCamels]

Appropriate for today's Hacky Radio DJ Bit of the day...

"I fah-rt in your gen-er-ral DIE-rec-SHUN!!!

Nsfr670C5CI

[Nortonsmeatytit]

"Shut your festering gob"

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"

"Lay off the beans you fat whore"

Favorite sketch: "Most awful family in Britian"

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5956500287961594365&q=Monty+Python+Britains+most&total=1&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

[OfficerCornjob]

The Bishop!

[NortonsGravyLeg]

How about an after dinner mint?

[Myhairygrundle]

Fuck off, Judean Peoples Front...We're the People's Front of Judea!


Love the PFJ.

[MrBogey]

There's just too damn many.

[thegreenninja]

"Shut your festering gob"

[/media]

That's from the argument clinic, my favorite sketch.

"Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke! You vacuous, snotty-nosed, malodorous pervert!"

[MattyIceGfunk]

Mr Smoke-Too-Much: I saw your add in the "Bolour" Supplement.
Bounder: The what?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: The Bolour Suppliment.
Bounder: The Colour Supplement.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, I'm sorry, I can't say the letter B.
Bounder: C?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a "sbool" boy. I was attacked by a bat.
Bounder: A cat?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: No, a bat.

[Chino Kapone]

"There are those that call me............................Tim?"



http://magiccards.info/scans/en/tsts/29.jpg

WOW! so thats where that shit came from. i never had any clue about that..... Tim for 1.

[LilJimmyRbinson]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/10/Spanish_Inquisition_%28Monty_Python%29.jpg

[Kris_LTRMa]

The Lumberjack:

BARBER:
I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!

With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!
the rest of the skit:

[singing]
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!...

[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

[Kris_LTRMa]

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"

Also from the Holy Grail:

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.

[Cybouncer]

"At least We Don't Work For Jews!"

[BillyBibbet]

"Have you come to arrange a holiday,,,,or would you like a blow job?"

"Christ!! It's Mr. Creosote!!"

[LiddyRules]

"Are You The Brain Specialist? My Brain Hurts!"

http://youtube.com/watch?v=tqyxXX3Ra4A
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cEkT5uspE3c

And because none of you has bothered to mention it-- "This is an EX-PARROT!"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2H6DSoqZz_s

[bill333]

Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...Dickus?

Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus...Dickus?
__________________________________________________ _______________

Mandy: Your father was a Roman.

Brian: You mean... you were *****?!

Mandy: Well... at first, yes.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Interviewer (Michael Palin):Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of the country's leading skin specialists, Raymond Luxury Yacht

Raymond Luxury-Yacht (Graham Chapman):That's not my name!

Interviewer: I'm sorry; Raymond Luxury Yacht.

Raymond Luxury-Yacht:No no no, it's spelled, "Raymond Luxury Yacht," but it's pronounced, "Throatwobbler Mangrove".

Interviewer:You are a very silly man, and I'm not going to interview you.

Raymond Luxury-Yacht: Anti-Semitism!

__________________________________________________ _______________
Woman 1: Penguins don't come from next door; they come from the Antarctic!

Woman 2: BURMA!

Woman 1: Why'd you say "Burma"?

Woman 2: I panicked.

[hybriddriver]

There's your book, now BUY it!

[Kris_LTRMa]

It's more than a line but this whole scene is one of my favorites:



CUSTOMER:
Here's one.
CART MASTER:
Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
What?
CUSTOMER:
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not!
CART MASTER:
He isn't?
CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER:
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:
I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER:
Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER:
I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:
Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER:
I can't.
CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER:
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:
Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER:
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:
I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing]
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER:
Ah, thanks very much.

[THE FEZ MAN]

but im not dead yet

[Arch Stanton]

Beat me on Lumberjack and It's just a flesh wound

Also loved the diagram by numbers with the underwear.

[BlackNinja]

The Bishop!

haha, "we was...too late"

[Nortonsmeatytit]

Arthur Two Sheds Jackson

"Do you in fact have two sheds?"

"Why is everyone always going on about the sheds?"

[BigDickGuzinya]

"I'll 'ave the lot!"
"Fuck off, I'm full!"
Not sure how it went exactly,but the line in Meaning of life were he tells the hundreds of kids, "we're going to sell you all for medical experiments!"

[izzy izkowitz]

How about an after dinner mint?

it's wafer thin.



wewease bwion.

[BeerBelly]

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Awful!

[HockeyHelmet]

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"

Also from the Holy Grail:

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.

:clap:

[Special Eddie]

Does she go? wink wink nudge nudge

[frrrrunkis]

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Awful!

Steve from Bayshore's favorite, I'm sure.

I love the show more myself, but the best bit is from Holy Grail when Arthur (Chapman) comes upon the narco-syndaclist commune...

"I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!"

Who am I kidding. The best line comes from the show and the Undertaker Sketch, "Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it."

[izzy izkowitz]

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who
lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want.....

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!

(minor music)

Arthur: A WHAT?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not too expensive.
Arthur; Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!

(music)

Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem....
Arthur: What is that?
Knight of Ni: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!
Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm".
Other Knight of Ni: Ni!
Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of.....
Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find....

ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!

(minor music)

Arthur: Oh not another shrubbery!!
Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery,
you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly
higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path
running down the middle.
Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!
Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...
Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!

[BeerBelly]

Crunchy frog,
heap good.

[grail]

So if she weighs more than a duck? She's a witch, burn her.

African or European swallow? I don't know that.

Run away! Run away!

[Dr. Hoffman]

"This parrot has CEASED to EXIST!!!"

[FAZ8218]

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?
Man: Well she turned me into a newt...
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Man: ..........I got better.

[Deadhead]

Right!!! What's all this then??

...
Ohhhhh, fishey ,fishey, fishey, fish.

And it went, where ever I did go.



Stapleing machine, Mrs. Zambizie.




ALBATROSS!!!!!




I DONT LIKE SPAM!!!

[maz]

Vivian Smith Smythe Smith
his father uses him as a wastepaper basket
and his mother won the Derby



(might have the wrong twit name)

[Hudson]

It Was.....The Salmon Mousse

[burky79]

DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government

----

DENNIS: Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

----

Ekki ekki ekki ekki pikang zoom-boing (http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/icky.wav)

----

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?
Man: Well she turned me into a newt...
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Man: ..........I got better. (http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/newt.wav)
:clap:

----

"You know much that is hidden, o Tim." "Quite." (http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/quite.wav)

----

[Fr. Dougal]

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"

[MattyIceGfunk]

I had a python once and I named him Monty. How original am I?

[ImAlrightSpider]

M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.

[AngryPest]

From Holy Grail:
"Come see the violence inherent in the system!"

My other favorite is just the way John C. said "I told you once" in the Argument sketch. (It just the way an asshole would start an argument.)

[BeerBelly]

oh heres some lovely filth over here

[WoodenPlank]

Hello, world, it is now six o'clock PM, and it is time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode. [penguin explodes]

[Darth Mode]

I love the part in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" when they encounter the killer rabbit. Them yelling "Run away!" was priceless.

XcxKIJTb3Hg

[generoso]

I can't belive you all forgot the greatest line ever. In pythondom


"Finsssdale"

[Salem]

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"

One....two.....FIVE!!!!
Three sir!
THREE!!!!!

[Salem]

"Always look on the bright side of death..."
"Lifes a piece of shit, when you look at it..."

[bill333]

I can't belive you all forgot the greatest line ever. In pythondom


"Finsssdale"


http://img67.imageshack.us/img67/1113/dinsdaleaa1.jpg

[Glenn Dandy]

Is that from the zoo?

I dont know check if it has a stamp!

They dont stamp animals property of the zoo.

Sure they do.

Then how do they stamp a huge Lion?


They stamp them when there small............

[bill333]

"Does He Talk - Does He Talk?"

"Of Course I Can Talk Mother, I am the Minister For Overseas Development"

*Explosion*

"Mrs ******Bater just exploded!"

"Don't be so sentimental mother, things explode every day!".

[Glenn Dandy]

and now its time for the penguin on top of your television to explode.

[burky79]

and now its time for the penguin on top of your television to explode.

Hello, world, it is now six o'clock PM, and it is time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode. [penguin explodes]
http://wackbag.com/showpost.php?p=2198974&postcount=47
it was only 6 posts ago.
just sayin...

shouldn't our president have a staff member that does a preliminary read though before any submitted posts?

:action-sm

[Mort]

Whenever I met a new guy at my old job, I would always ask them one question:

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

If they answered "Is that an African or a European swallow" I liked them. Only one person ever did.

[BeerBelly]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=JHFXG3r_0B8

[Ted the Poster]

"THIS is an EX...PARROT!!!"

[Ted the Poster]

Mrs Conclusion: Hello, Mrs Premise.

Mrs Premise: Hello, Mrs Conclusion.

Mrs Conclusion: Busy day?

Mrs Premise: Busy! I've just spent four hours burying the cat.

Mrs Conclusion: Four hours to bury a cat?

Mrs Premise: Yes! It wouldn't keep still, wriggling about howling its head off.

Mrs Conclusion: Oh - it wasn't dead then?

Mrs Premise: Well, no, no, but it's not at all a well cat so as we were going away for a fortnight's holiday, I thought I'd better bury it just to be on the safe side.

Mrs Conclusion: Quite right. You don't want to come hack from Sortonto to a dead cat. It'd be so anticlimactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say.

Mrs Premise: Yes.

Mrs Conclusion: We're going to have our budgie put down.

Mrs Premise: Really? Is it very old?

Mrs Conclusion: No. We just don't like it. We're going to take it to the vet tomorrow.

Mrs Premise: Tell me, how do they put budgies down then?

Mrs Conclusion: Well it's funny you should ask that, but I've just been reading a great big book about how to put your budgie down, and apparently you can either hit them with the book, or, you can shoot them just there, just above the beak.

[Standby]

Vivian Smith Smythe Smith
his father uses him as a wastepaper basket
and his mother won the Derby



(might have the wrong twit name)

How has only one person acknowledged perhaps their greatest sketch ever?

"And... Oliver has RUN HIMSELF OVER!"

http://www.geocities.com/fang_club/upperclass_twit4.jpg

[bill333]

Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sgt.: What do you mean?

Jones:We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sgt.: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Palin: Can't we do something else?

Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

All: We done the passion fruit.

Sgt.: What?

Chapman: We done the passion fruit.

Palin: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
Jones: Whole and segments.
Palin: Pomegranates, greengages...
Chapman: Grapes, passion fruit...
Palin: Lemons...
Jones: Plums...
Chapman: Mangoes in syrup...

Sgt.: How about cherries?

All: We did them.

Sgt.: Red and black?

All: Yes!

Sgt.: All right, bananas.

(All sigh.)

Sgt.:We haven't done them, have we? ...Right! Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

Palin:Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.: Shut up. Right... now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman: 'Arrison.

Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana.

Palin: You shot him!

Jones: He's dead!

Idle: He's completely dead!
Sgt.:I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones:But you told him to.

Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

Idle:And pointed sticks.

Sgt.:Shut up.

Palin: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sgt.: Run for it.

Jones: You could stand and scream for help.

Sgt.: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

Jones: A pineapple?

Sgt.: Where? Where?

Jones: No I just said: a pineapple.

Sgt.: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

[bill333]

Silly Job Interview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dWMIuipn_c

[maz]

that's a fucking classic
TOP NOTCH , BILL ,TOP NOTCH


how bout the one with the CPA
"i want to be a lion tamer "

[Ted the Poster]

Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.


I always crack up at the pronunciation of "Poin-ted Stick."

[bill333]

I always crack up at the pronunciation of "Poin-ted Stick."

"Shut-up!" :haha7:


and the little hop Cleese does after saying "right!"

[SKRI]

King Arthur: Old woman.
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

[Nortonsmeatytit]

http://img67.imageshack.us/img67/1113/dinsdaleaa1.jpg

Dinsdale Pirahna and Spiney Norman the Giant Hedgehog from "The Pirahna Brothers" classic Python.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-FDW1shmqA

[maz]

The Larch


The Larch


The Larch






Big Tits !!!

[BeerBelly]

Mr. Hilter :D:D:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_D7WtOHZd0

[Jay Douglas]

(Crowd approaches Sir Bedevere, shouting that they've captured a witch)

Man: "We have found a witch! May we burn her?"
(crowd shouts again)

Bedevere: "How do you know she is a witch?"

Another Man: "She looks like one!"
(crowd shouts)

Bedevere: "Bring her forward."
(crowd pushes "witch" forward)

"Witch": "I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!"

Bedevere: "Uh, but you are dressed as one."

"Witch": "They dressed me up like this!"
(crowd grows angry at the notion, saying they didn't)
"And this isn't my nose! It's a false one!"
(Bedevere pulls on the carrot nose, revealing her to be telling the truth)

Bedevere: "Well?"

Man: "Well, we did do the nose..."

Bedevere: "The nose?"

Man: "...and the hat...but she IS a witch!"
(crowd again)

Bedevere: "Did you dress her like this?"

Crowd: "No! No! No....yes. Yes....a bit. A bit."

Man: "She's got a wart!"

Bedevere (not even examining the wart): "What makes you think she's a witch?"

Man in crowd: "Well, she turned me into a newt!"

Bedevere: "A newt?"

Man in crowd: ".....I got better."

Separate man: "BURN HER ANYWAY!"
(crowd yet again, demanding she be burned as King Arthur approaches)

Bedevere: "Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch."

Man: "Are there? Tell us!"

Another man: "Do they hurt?"

Bedevere: "Tell me, what do you do with witches?"
(crowd pratically in unison shouts "BURN!")

Bedevere: "And what do you burn apart from witches?"

Man: "MORE WITCHES!"

Another man: "Wood!"

Bedevere: "So, why do witches burn?"
(crowd stays in silence until one finally speaks up)

Man: "'Cause they're made of....wood?"

Bedevere: "Good! So, how can we tell if she is made of wood?"

Man: "Build a bridge out of her!"

Bedevere: "Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"

Man: "Oh yeah...."

Bedevere: "Does wood sink in water?"

Man: "No, no."

Another man: "It floats!"

Man: "Throw her into the pond!"
(crowd begins to grab her before Bedevere stops them)

Bedevere: "What also floats in water?"
Crowd begins tossing out answers. Rejected are bread, apples, very small rocks, cider, gravy, cherries, mud, churches, and lead.)

King Arthur: "A duck!"
(crowd oohs and aahs)

Bedevere: "Exactly! So logically..."

Man: "If.....she....weighs the same as duck.....she's made of wood!"

Bedevere: "And therefore...."
(crowd is silent for a second)

Another man: "A WITCH!"
(crowd is very overjoyed at the idea as someone brings a duck)

Bedevere: "We shall use my largest scales!"
("Witch" and duck are placed on the scales)

Bedevere: "Remove the supports!"
(the scales show that she weighs as much as the duck, proving she's a witch. The crowd goes nuts.)

Crowd: "A WITCH!"

Witch: "It's a fair cop."

Crowd: "BURN HER!"