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12-11-2001: Homeless Shopping Spree 2

Discussion in 'Older Reviews' started by PyThomas, Feb 23, 2004.

  1. PyThomas

    PyThomas Coke float's in my cup

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    Today is the big day! It's Homeless Shopping Spree 2! Jim Norton, Rich Vos, Psycho Mark, Ben, Keith The Cop, Rick, Steve C, Matty and intern Mary are ready to take ten lucky homeless people on a bus ride to some unsuspecting mall and spend $100 per vagrant. The bus is a fancy one, with TVs above every seat (and they'll be showing pornos). The homeless folks selected are: Tippy Tom, Blue, Sperm, Rock-n-Roll Tommy, Ziggy, Snoop, Andre, Youngblood, Big Ed, and last but not least Buttered Roll. "Is Buttered Roll really Earl?" Ben & Keith had to get up early to round up these guys. Some horror stories involving them are discussed. The bus reeks already, and Blue and Tippy are already fighting. The boys will announce the name of the mall 15 minutes before they get there. The economic benefits of a mall "hosting" HSS2 are discussed.

    BREAK 1

    The bus is off and running. Rick reports that Blue thinks he's going to jail. Norton to O&A: "I hate you both. We have gone two blocks, and the inside of the bus smells like a diaper... the driver looks like Apollo Creed's trainer." Ziggy pisses all over his seat, and so does Tippy Tom. Tippy won't wake up, Snoop's smacking him around. Vos: "We should take them to the woods and hunt them... and the winner keeps all the money.... the stink is worse than Norris's act." Ben reports that R&R Tommy is at the back of the bus spraying Lysol all over the place. They're holding off on serving alcohol to the transients.

    First hint to the destination: the bus is on 57th Street and heading east. Lots of fans are following the bus already. 11-year-old Gary checks in: "This is the funniest S I've ever heard." Caller Tricia complains that this isn't very ethical and quickly gets cut off. Rick reports that Blue is hitting on Mary, who gets the nickname "Typhoid Mary". Blue then gets up to actually use the bus's bathroom. O&A mention that Snoop was at the last HSS and is off the street now, has a job and is dressing better. Snoop checks in and offers his testimonial to HSS for all the negative callers out there. "If it wasn't for 102.7, I'd still be on the streets today." By break time, O&A are speculating that the bus left Manhattan already.

    BREAK 2

    Psycho Mark tells the listening audience to buy stock in FUBU and Timberland. Norton wants to take a dump, but he won't go anywhere near the bus's bathroom. He hopes that some young listeners will give him oral treats for putting up with the odor. Rick leads the homeless guys in a singalong round of "Deck The Halls". Opie wants Ziggy to sing a solo. Ziggy thinks he's flying and "on top of the world" because the bus is up on a bridge... another clue! Rick wakes up Tippy Tom, and he's now losing his mind, threatening to kill everyone. O&A want to give only one of the homeless guys a beer and see what everyone else does. Keith doesn't think this is a good idea.

    BREAK 3

    Rick reports that everyone except Blue is taking a nap. He asks Keith if it's okay to hand the beers out, and instantly everyone wakes up. Keith: "Four words... this is legal, right? That's what you always say?" Blue is being real protective of Mary.

    Finally it's time to announce the bus's destination... it's Roosevelt Field Mall in Garden City, Long Island! Rick reports that the bus is almost off the expressway. R&R Tommy: "Can I have my beer now, please?" Keith is still objecting, and O&A start chanting "Let the homeless drink!" Keith finally gives in, and lets the guys get ONE beer each. Blue gets the first beer. Ziggy finishes his in two gulps. The mall is less than 15 minutes away.

    BREAK 4

    From instant feedback: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down and pass it around, 17 cases of HIV on the bus!" Listeners (and a Roosevelt Field mall security guard) are calling in to report that police units are hightailing it over to the mall and security is on its highest alert, guarding every mall entrance. Others say security is normal at the mall. Traffic is real thick getting there. Psycho Mark has laryngitis and can't go "GAK GAK GAK". Conflicting reports of security levels continue.

    As the bus makes it into the parking lot, it's being met by lots of Nassau County cop cars flashing their lights and a bunch of fans waiting in the parking lots. After a warning that the bus will be searched for open containers upon stopping, Rick announces that the bus is stopping by Houlihan's, and the cleanup is on. It is suggested that Vos get out and do his act, because he can't get arrested. Norton is going nuts... "If you ever try to book something this far away from the city again, I will firebomb the studio... Tora Bora would have been easier to get to." Chants of "Let the homeless shop!" are heard.

    The crowd goes wild as the homeless guys disembark and are introduced by Rick... they're rock stars today! Marian of the Retarded Laverne & Shirley checks in... she's at the mall in the "snooty capital of Long Island", and the mall's customers are horrified. She's planning on buying sneakers for one of the guys. Blue has a cup and is asking for change as they all make it into the mall. Psycho Mark reports that R&R Tommy and Andre are headed right for the bar (it's later identified as the Panino Cafe), and R&R Tommy just climbed into a bathtub on display. Rick's at Guess... Blue just found a nice blue sweater and some jeans, and is attempting to take his pants off in the middle of the store. Vos reports that his guy is trying to talk down the price of a CD radio. Mark, R&R Tommy and Andre are still at the bar, spending their gift money on high-class booze.

    BREAK 5

    Victoria Secret has pussied out... the staff has lowered the grate and the store is shut down. Ditto for Armani Exchange. But Bloomingdale's is welcoming the contestants with open arms, bags and special gifts. Vos is at Foot Locker and listeners are passing the hat for extra money to buy sneakers for his special customers. Mark's still at the bar with his guys, and they've run up a $120 tab so far. Big Ed just got approved for a cell phone. C.J. calls in and wants to buy a shot for all the homeless guys at Houlihan's. Ben reports that there won't be any pictures with Santa this year, as Santa has fled the scene. His guys are at Timberland, trying on shoes, and you can just imagine the foot odor there. Rick's guys are taking a restroom break. "They almost turned around and made themselves a new home in the stalls."

    Caller Bill: "Did I hear Vos correctly... he said he couldn't get Sperm off his back?" Rick and his guys are now in Brookstone, and Blue's looking at boomboxes with snot coming out of his nose. Ben has a crowd heading over to Houlihan's. (Or so they think.) Ziggy's bought socks, deodorant and cologne. Tippy Tom is outside the mall by Modell's, taking a smoke break and singing carols. Mark's guys are FINALLY ready to shop, and they're all "three sheets to the wind". They already tried Houlihan's, but guess what - they're closed for renovation. Meanwhile at Brookstone, Blue is sleeping on one of the massage chairs. Vos: "I lost Sperm!" (Insert joke here.) Blue and Tippy Tom have an "emotional reunion" and are getting handed Wendy's hamburgers.

    BREAK 6

    The boys take a break from the action to announce that their New Orleans affiliate is streaming the show live on the Internet. Ben is with Ziggy at FAO Schwarz looking at G.I. Joe's and Harry Potter stuff. Mark is with R&R Tommy at a record store. "Tommy is so drunk... he just picked up a copy of 'F Jackie'... then he goes for a CD of Aaron Carter!" Ira checks in, saying the look on these people's faces is priceless - they're horrified, disgusted... and F you to all the stores that closed down that wouldn't let them shop. Send them to an Islanders game next! Big Kev is with Buttered Roll and Youngblood, along with a listener by the name of Carl, who offered the two anything at The Sharper Image under $50. B-Roll got a fistful of batteries for his radio, and a collapsible umbrella. Anthony suggests that Youngblood get the ear & nose hair trimmer.

    Norton's at Macy's, watching one of the homeless guys try on pants - and they might as well let him keep every pair he tries on. "Last time I saw a black man surrounded by this many people, he was on an auction block dancing." Rick reports that Blue just got a new boombox from Sam Goody, and they're about to get Big Ed some sneakers. Ziggy's at The Sharper Image... the boys suggest he get the Ionic Breeze Air Purifier and put it in his pants. Steve checks in... Tippy Tom is stylin' with his new boots from Foot Action... he's dancing and randomly breaking into Christmas carols. Mark and R&R Tommy are still at the record store... Tommy's yelling so much his teeth popped out. Ziggy's in the men's room, he slipped into a stall to take a dump, and he may be in there a while.

    Before the break, we hear "Merry Fuckin' Christmas" from South Park's Xmas CD.

    BREAK 7

    The boys recap the big day. Rick is back by the closed-down Houlihan's, waiting for the bus to arrive. Big Blue and Tippy Tom are making speeches to the crowd... woops, suddenly everyone's breaking into "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer". Steve said the security guards stopped them from videotaping about a dozen times... but they didn't catch the "hidden cameras!" Rick learned the smell of homeless people's feet can get him to puke... he gagged about four times at the shoe stores. Rick checks in... the bus has pulled up and everyone's getting back on... wait, three are missing. Psycho Mark is shouting from the roof of the bus asking if anyone has any weed for the ride home. Final thoughts from the crew are muddled by crowd noise and bad cell phone signals. Some WDIL is heard. From instant feedback: Norton is still in Baby Gap. Overall HSS2 is a huge success.

    Final clip: "Is that a train?"

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