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Bill Burr Tirade - A Transcript

Discussion in 'General Discussion Archive' started by Hoo Hoo Howie, Sep 12, 2006.

  1. Hoo Hoo Howie

    Hoo Hoo Howie ohhhhhh nooooo.... I earned that Caaaaake!

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    I love Bill Burr. After sitting and listening to his tirade for over an hour and a half I had to get it down on paper. It's brilliant. If you didn't hear it, just read his words. Bill Burr rules.

    Bill Burr Smashes Philadelphia – Transcript


    * crowd boos *

    Oh Fuck all you people you ya know what you fucking losers, I hope you all fucking die, and I hope those fucking Eagles never win the Superbowl. Go fuck yourselves.
    *boos*
    Fuck all you motherfuckers and fuck the Flyers. Fuck all of you. Bunch of goddamn fucking losers. Booing Dom Irerra. Suck a dick. All of you. Suck a fuckin dick

    How’s that?

    Yo - I’m seguewaying into my next joke. You can all lick my fucking red nuts. All of yas…can line up with your Harold Carmichael fuckin jerseys, and one at a time you can all suck my dick.

    City of Brotherly Love. You bunch of fuckin cocks. Fucking goddamn losers. 52 fuckin hours into a show. What the fuck am I gonna do at this point. You people are on goddamn acid. Fuckin be up here talking about Hitler. That aint’ gonna work.

    What do you want me to talk about. Say it. Throw out some topics Let’s talk about heart disease, something you’re all gonna fuckin die of. And I’m gonna laugh at your fucking funerals which is gonna be great. You’re all gonna get fuckin cancer which is fantastic because all your fucking heads are shaved anyway no one’s even gonna notice. You’re gonna get fired for coming to work too late cause they’re not gonna notice that you have fucking bone marrow cancer. The only thing that’s gonna give it away is me laughing at you in the fucking background.

    You fucking bunch of losers with your fucking cellphone pictures Fucking suck a dick. Fucking assholes.

    11 more minutes of this

    I hope you all get in your Ford Focuses and fucking drive off the side of that faggot ass Ben Franklin bridge. You fucking one bridge having piece of shit city that no one gives a fuck about. The terrorists will never bomb you people ‘cause you’re fucking worthless and no one cares about you. You are this high above New Orleans. No one gives a shit. FEMA would never show up for you fuckin’ assholes. I hope your mother has herpes in the center of her asshole and you go home tonight and lick it and get it on your tongue and some other horrific shit happens that involves cancer – all of you.

    11 minutes left.

    I hope somebody takes a fuckin beer stein and just slaps you in the back of your zit infested fucking shoulders and your awful man tits hang. I hope that happens to you. I hope the glass gets fuckin into your fuckin shoulder blades and then I see you afterwards “Hey how’s it going” (*simulates slapping a good friend in the back) Enjoy the fuckin show? That’s great. I’d grab you buy the fuckin hair but you don’t have any.

    Does it really have to come to this people? Does it really have to come to this? I really hope all of you run into all those black people that you love so much here in Camden. I really hope that happens. I hope there’s a line of all of you guys getting fuckin car jacked and they take out their big black dicks and they just shove them right in your fucking mouths. Each and every one of you and somehow they just keep repeatedly cumming right in your fucking eyeballs, so that it builds up so much that your eyes fucking crust over. You can’t see shit. Somehow there’s another dick in there for you to suck.

    10 minutes left.

    *CHEERS*

    What do you want? Is this what you want? Bunch of fucking losers. Fucking Rocky is your hero. The whole pride of your city is built around a fuckin guy who doesn’t even exist. You got fuckin Joe Frazier is from there but he’s black so you can’t fuckin deal with him, so you make a fucking statue for some 3 ft fuckin Italian you stupid philly cheese-eatin fucking jackasses. I hope the cheese melts your faces off. All of you collectively SUCK a FUCKIN DICK. Fuckin boo me 9 hrs. into a fuckin show. You and your fuckin Donovan McNabb shirt. I hope he snaps both his fuckin ankles the first goddamn game. I hope you go 0-15. I SAID SUCK A DICK

    8 MINUTES left. 8 fuckin minutes left.

    The Flyers. Do they even fuckin exist anymore? Bunch of goddamn pansies. Never won shit, since fuckin Gerald Ford was in office. Why don’t ya just get the fuckin Ice Capades down there you assholes. You probably won’t even notice the fuckin difference. That fuckin pussy team. Remember that had that whole season when they wore the slacks. You bunch of faggots. What else what else. I got your mothers. 8 Minutes I’m doin it all.

    I’m fuckin standing here. I broke the mic stand. I have a little fuckin cane now. I’m gonna be the little observational comedian here. What’s that sir? What do you have to say sir? Never passed the fuckin 8th grade. What brilliant shit are you gonna fuckin tell me? Go back to the dock and unload some shit. Fucking warehouse working, weed smoking, fucking disappointment to your mother.

    7 MINUTES left. 7 Mother fucking minutes left. And I’m doin ALL FUCKING SEVEN.

    You fucking assholes. Fucking standing backstage for 3 hours to get booed by this GED fuckin stupid-ass piece of shit fuckin crowd. Bunch of fucking losers. I hope your fucking radios fall on yourheads tomorrow. Fucking antennas go right in your fucking ears. Fall out of one of those piece of shit buildings. Fuck all of you and fuck the liberty bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass. What do you think about that? All of you mother fuckers. I hope that bridge collapses onto your pathetic lives. Go fuck yourselves.

    6 Minutes left and I will be selling my CD after this shit you mother fuckers **CHEERS** and the only way one you’re getting one is if I throw one at your fuckin stupid heads. Bunch of racist fucking morons.

    Look at this. What are you taking a picture of E-Rock? Huh? This is right here is the theme of my set – a broken mic stand.

    What’s left, the Phillies that faggot ass team named named after a female horse. Bunch of pussies. You won one fucking world series since 1880. Suck a dick. Bring Tug McGraw back from the dead you fucking jackasses. Maybe you’ll win another one. It aint’ ever happening. It ain’t ever fuckin happen. With your red candy-striped faggot fuckin uniforms. Your team should be selling cotton candy in the fucking instructional league.

    You have a soccer team? That’s all I got left. Huh. You got a fuckin ping pong team? Some other shit-assed team that’s never gonna win a championship. You haven’t won a SuperBowl since they had facemasks. You fuckin jackasses. Roland Gabriel running around without a fuckin helmet. Oh suck a dick. Who’s he your dad or something? You don’t know who the fuck he is.

    I had to buy a fuckin shirt for this shit. Went to the Banana Republic, picked a 20 dollar shirt off the rack.

    This gotta be fucking ridiculous. Getting booed by people sittin in the fucking grass. Goddamn lawn seats. Fun isn’t it. It’s great. I should get fucking paid right now people. I’m getting paid to shit all over you guys and your stupid fucking rock t-shirts of bands that no one gives a fuck about.


    4 MINUTES LEFT.

    Your fucking Rush T-Shirts that say I beat the shit out of my girlfriends. That felt great. That I really feel great. I wanna thank you guys for having me. You guys were phenomenal *Crowd Cheers* Oh no.. I got 4 minutes left. 4 minutes left To fuckin talk about you CUNTS. That’s not bad 12 minute rant. That’s the first time I said cunt. That’s a fucking record. I’m gonna finish my set by takin this mic stand base like a fuckin disc. I hope I hit a baby in the fuckin head. The one fuckin kid that would actually go to college in this fucking crowd.

    What’s that sir? Dave Chappelle. Yes. He’s not here. I wish I was on his fuckin tour right now. Maybe I wouldn’t have a bunch of cunts not fuckin paying attention 4 hours into a goddamn show.

    3 FUCKIN MINUTES LEFT.

    3 minutes left of this motherfuckin tirade. What’s that? Sir why are you screaming? You’re in the front row, you dumb fuck. God I hope mass aids, full blown, like fuckin you get weak as you walk to your fuckin car and you just pass out and they just find you next to your ’83 Fucking Monte Carlo with gravel imbedded into the fuckin side of your bald ass fuckin head.

    **someone offstage interjects..Dru Boogie? “

    What about not fucking interrupting me you jackass. Play the fucking records. I’m fucking trying to deal with this bullshit. Jesus Christ the goddamn people on this show are givin me shit. So anyways back to the joke.

    So I got a computer recently people.. .

    *CROWD GOES NUTS*

    Fuckin Motherfuckers.

    2 MINUTES LEFT. The last two minutes is gonna be my rider for the rest of this fucking tour. I got one first. I do 3 minutes. That’s’ it I come out here with a fuckin gun right. That’s what I do. I come out here with a fuckin gun, hollow tip bullets, and I just start fuckin shooting people. OK. Everyone’s chained to their fuckin chairs and just start blowing your fucking brains out. Just one after another. 2 to the back of the head. I just blow all your fuckin brains out. I would really enjoy blowing everbody’s fucking brains out. The next day somebody’s mopping up the 3 pounds of fucking brains that are actually left in this goddamn crowd.

    1 MINUTE LEFT IN THE PERIOD. *cheers*

    Listen. This doesn’t change anything. I still fuckin hate you people. I hate this fuckin city. I hate the way you eat with your little shitty ass subway. Why don’t you fucking build something for Joe Frazier. You all gonna go see Rocky 19. Dude I think he can win! Alright listen I’m out of time. You guys were here man. Thank you very much. All of you go fuck yourselves in your own assholes. Have a good night.

    END
  2. mikeybot

    mikeybot SPANAKOPITA!!! Donator

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    :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

    Holy shit, great job.

    Billy should make that into a t-shirt
  3. tstlkevanilla

    tstlkevanilla Ministress of Masturbation

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    :clap: :clap: Thank you sir :icon_mrgr
  4. Hoo Hoo Howie

    Hoo Hoo Howie ohhhhhh nooooo.... I earned that Caaaaake!

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    135 Fucks
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    9 Goddamns
    3 Cunts
  5. kevtv

    kevtv Resident Music Nerd

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    there are so many awesome quotes in that, my fav might be "go fuck yourselves in your own assholes."

    bill burr for president.
  6. TheBattleVirus

    TheBattleVirus Pat Battle is Spreading

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    Wow, this is great. Bill Burr is fantastic. Thank you for this.
  7. Dr. Haiku

    Dr. Haiku Registered User

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    billy burr killed it
    bravo to hoo hoo howie
    you must have no life

    [​IMG]
  8. Pablo Java

    Pablo Java Registered User

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    Someone should mix the Ozzfest interviews he did with this

    "Throw in a couple of Fucks in there"

    "Our fans are retarded, throw in a couple fucks and a shit or something"
  9. AnimalMthr1982

    AnimalMthr1982 Registered User

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    I think it was "man tits tanktop"
  10. Hoo Hoo Howie

    Hoo Hoo Howie ohhhhhh nooooo.... I earned that Caaaaake!

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    Haha. I wish that were true. It's nice having a corner office with a door that can be closed for 2 hours straight. Good thing my boss wasn't around today. Tee Hee.
  11. JoeyDVDZ

    JoeyDVDZ I'm a Black Ninja, Fuckface! Donator

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    First, thank you for the brilliant job of transcribing that insane rant. Second, I think I love Billy Burr more than O&A at this point in time. He is truly an artist.
  12. Captain_Spaulding

    Captain_Spaulding MMA > NFL, NBA, MLB, etc...

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    Kind of reminiscent of the Sermon on the Mount wouldn't you say?

    Bill Burr I worship thee.
  13. theNJsyndicate

    theNJsyndicate Registered User

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    ...I hope your mother has herpes in the center of her asshole and you go home tonight and lick it and get it on your tongue and some other horrific shit happens...ummmm...wow, and not the good WOW either.[​IMG]
  14. WonkaVision

    WonkaVision To my Friends!!! To My Friends!!!

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    Holy shit....Glad you posted the transcript..the audio was sketchy in some parts. Fucking great stuff...Bill Burr kicks ass......Way to go Billy!
  15. Tree Killer

    Tree Killer SIRIUS IS FOR QUEERS

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    WOW WOW and more importantly WOW. That red headed, tree huggin asshole is the best!
  16. Hog's Big Ben

    Hog's Big Ben Getting ass-***** in The Octagon, brother. Donator

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    Outfuckingstanding!!!
  17. Grace

    Grace I'm a firm breasted something

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    Nice work!
  18. robinquivers

    robinquivers BIG FAT CUNT HOLE

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    Great job doing the transcript. That is a lot of fucks
  19. Tax Kuntz

    Tax Kuntz just being an ass

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    Great job sir. It isn't 100% word for word, I just read it as I listened, but it is pretty close.

    You have too much time on your hands, though.
  20. Triple Skeet

    Triple Skeet RunningoftheSantas.***

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    Fucking hilarious.
  21. n8crwlr

    n8crwlr Registered User

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    :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: That was great, and also nice work Bill working that crowd.
  22. Premarital Sex

    Premarital Sex Banned

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    I gave you rep for this ;)
  23. BOUGHTONII

    BOUGHTONII Registered User

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    nice job bb
  24. OpenKnee&Anthamuny

    OpenKnee&Anthamuny Registered User

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    I would absolutely buy a t-shirt with that on it. Elmo get to work.
  25. BobCat

    BobCat Banned

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    Wow, did you have a bunch of free time today? Nice job.

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