Disaster kid from your school.

Discussion in 'Opie And Anthony General Discussion' started by Three Hole Puncher, May 19, 2009.

  1. Three Hole Puncher

    Three Hole Puncher gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh

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    First there was Devil Dog...

    Then there was Ham and Noodle Seizure Kid...

    Probably around 12-13 years-old... I think his name was Bill Knack... he was a pretty nice, normal kid. So one day we're at the YMCA playing basketball or something and the kid projectile vomits like five gallons of ham and noodles, and then he falls on the ground and goes into convulsions. They cart him off on a stretcher and within two weeks we forget all about him... because kids are bastards like that.

    Like three months later they wheel him back into school... Class A puddin' head. He had some sort of stroke. He was a friggin' mess, and watching him try and feed himself at lunch was a horror show. Why do they do that shit? Why do they wheel a puddin' head, who everybody used to know as a normal human being, back into school? Like high school isn't hard enough without they go and lay that kind of trauma on your developing brain? Lock that monster up in an institution somewhere for cripe's sake.

    Ham and Noodle Seizure Kid eventually worked his way back to walking with cripple crutches... the kind with the forearm ring thing like Ant was talking about... and he got so he could about communicate a, "How's it going?" in under ten minutes, but lunchtime was still an ordeal for the spectators.

    During serior year he wrote an article for the school newspaper titled, The Knack is Back!... get it? Bill Knack? Yeah, right? A puddin' head and a hack... God really hated this kid. His article recounted his story from his prior life as a human being, his ham and noodle seizure, his struggle with puddin'headedness, and his subsequent "recovery". The article was meant to be inspiring, but it was just awful and depressing... because he was still a disaster.

    A couple of silly cheerleader broads put him up as a candidate for Prom King, thinking it was going to play out like some sort of awful Lifetime Channel estrogenfest starring a bloated Vallerie Bertinelli and Corky as "The Prom King". But, of course, Ham and Noodle Seizure Kid was roundly trounced in the election, garnering only a handful of votes... because, like I said... kids are bastards like that.



    Who were your 'Disaster Kids'?
  2. gleet

    gleet What's black and white and red all over?

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    When I read that, my honest first thought was, "I haven't had ham and noodles in years. That would be good some time."

    We had a kid with the bent back, weak heart, weak lungs, pointed chest. He was always leaving for weeks or months for surgery and bed rest. Nice as could be and funny and dirty. And then one day he had a nice heart attack and died.
  3. BeersOnTheBoat

    BeersOnTheBoat Ex-New Yorker (Thank God!)

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    I called too late to get on with this one......

    We had Broken Cock Kid.

    As 10 year olds are known to do, we used to set up ramps and jump shit with our bikes. There were about 7 or 8 of us just jumping our bikes. One kid hit the ramp wrong, fell off his bike, the the peddle hit him square in the cock. He was screaming his fucking brains out, and we were all trying to figure out where he got hurt (or how bad). He pulls his pants down and literally had blood gushing out of his cock. It looked like he was pissing blood. The rest of us gave a collective "AAAWwwwww, fucking gross" and kinda backed away in horror. He got his bike and walked home screaming his head off. Needless to say our day was ruined.

    We didn't see him for about a month and the incident was never spoken of again.
  4. wrightwing

    wrightwing Registered User

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    I remember Theresa. A total fucking mess. Someone dubbed her 'Mother T', which stuck. Kids are f'in ruthless, ya know? About three hundred pounds with thirty IQ points. She would always wear really tight sweat pants in pastel colors. But pastels are a bad choice when you have a perpensity to shit yourself, which she did with regularity. I was in a class with her, and as she waddled her disgusting body up to the teachers desk to turn in her test, the large shit stain on the back of her pants was obvious, which led to whispers and ever more horrifying stories with each retelling. Ecchh.

    I seen her just weeks ago. She works at Wal-Mart. Of course she does.
  5. magnus420

    magnus420 You can go and fuck yourself

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    da da demar. fun story. the kid used to shit himself in high school if he missed his meds. apparently when he was a wee lil lad his uncle gave him a few mightnight wiskey breath treats and now he cant keep his asshole shut without drugs. so at least once a year he would forget, and proceed to drop a log without a care whereever he was. i think when he did it in the cafeteria he claimed he "sat on a burrito" but it was pizza day.
  6. DocSavage

    DocSavage Bringing true "old School" whoopass since 1932.

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    These are great!

    I recall we had a kid in 9th grade who had epilepsy and had seizures that zoned him out and he would do things he was not aware of. One day while playing volleyball a ball came down and hit him square in the head. Why? Because he had his hands in his shorts jerking off. Needless to say not many kids sat next to him in the lunch room.
  7. ScottFromGA

    ScottFromGA I cum into socks.

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    what kinda fucking land did you people live in?


    I HAVE NO FUCKING STORIES LIKE THESE!! UGHHHH!!!
  8. Three Hole Puncher

    Three Hole Puncher gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh

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    You must have gone to an "old school" school system... one that didn't try to "mainstream" and 'integrate" the monsters into regular schools with the "normies".

    They probably rounded up the monsters and locked them away in "special ed" concentration camps... where they belong... with the rest of "their kind".

    Consider yourself lucky.
  9. sbrainb

    sbrainb Go suck a bag of dicks.

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    My high school was full of nerds. Most kids had something quirky about them, but we also had the jocks and the bitches. There was this one girl though who was really, really geeky.. and not in an endearing way. She smelled musty all the time, had hair like steel wool, really thick glasses and she always used to wear these awful stirrup pants. To top it all off, her last name was Slutsky. Bitch had like NO FRIENDS. I got creeped out because once she and I were forced to pair up in Fencing class and this bitch would just stand there and not even move as I poked the shit out of her.
  10. Three Hole Puncher

    Three Hole Puncher gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh

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    Oh... and Dead Kids...they're always fun... let's add them too. Who were your Disaster and Dead Kids?

    Dead Kids I had...

    -Fell in a Rock Crusher Kid... his family ran a quarry business, and one day the kid was working on a rock crusher and somehow managed to fall in and... well... it was messy. I didn't really know the kid... so meh.

    -Blew His Brains Out With A Shotgun Kid... technically not one of "my kids"... I had graduted before he was in high school, but he was a friend of my little brother's and he lived two doors up the street. It was FUCKED UP... the dope was upset over some dumb bullshit that only a dopey white suburban kid would even give a shit about... like his girlfriend flirted with another guy, or he dropped a catch during the big football game, or he had a bad bout of acne... or some dumb shit. Took his dad's shotgun... went in his room, and Kaplooey! His fucking whole family was downstairs watching TV. My mom and dad actually heard his mother screaming from our house. It was fucking brutal. Ugh... that kid. What an asshole.

    -Car Wreck Kid... I know... car wrecks are hack, and everybody knows a Car Wreck Dead Kid... but this one is a little different. The kid was a fat, obnoxious pain-in-the-balls named Greg Somethingorother... we called him Butterball. His family owned a local trash hauling business and they were loaded. For Butterball's 16th birthday his parents gave him... get this... a Corvette. Not just any Corvette... a fucking ZR1. Two weeks... two fucking weeks later he spectacularly wrecked that thing and extremely killed himself... very dead. Like... they could have buried what was left of him in a spackle bucket dead. They should've brought his parents up on charges of criminal stupidity.
  11. sbrainb

    sbrainb Go suck a bag of dicks.

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    "Kid found dead floating in the ocean off Beach Channel"
    This happened right after high school. This kid a bunch of us knew had gotten a free ride to Juilliard and had all this shit going for him. Then his body is found in the ocean. No one knows if it was an accident or if he tried to off himself. The parents probably knew but it's not like they were going to announce it at the funeral.
  12. WhiskeyWhispers

    WhiskeyWhispers I Want To Kill You All

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    We had the Room 1 kids, also known as the retard room. There were 5 tards in all. 3 boys, 2 girls.

    One was a giant black dude who didn’t look retarded, just had the dull, glazed over gaze of a cow and seemed completely oblivious of what was going on around him. He would just walk down the hallway staring straight ahead with his mouth open. Fairly harmless.

    Another fella was a really tall tard who was palsied or something to that effect, as he was always spazzing out and all his joints seemed to be inverted. His face was covered with blackheads, he rocked a fairly wicked looking unibrow, and he was always smiling. He would walk along the wall with his finger sliding along it, bopping up and down like I imagine how a scarecrow would walk (his feet were pointed inwards towards one another, thus twisting his gait to all hell). Harmless again, but his twitches always made me nervous.

    The two girls were a prime example of the type of range in retards we had. They were both short and wide but were completely tarded in unique ways.

    The one girl barely looked retarded, you wouldn’t even think she was. That is until they would herd them into the gymnasium during my gym class and she would proceed to run amok across the floor doing some demented ballerina/acrobat routine. She would attempt to jump and twirl and roll around much to our delight. I believe there were a few Flashdance moves in there. How the teachers expected us not to burst out laughing was beyond me.

    The remaining girl is forever etched into my nightmares. Now, some retards make us laugh, some make us feel bad, but there are a particular breed amongst them that are nothing short of terrifying. I call them the Stop, Stare and Scares. You would be walking along down a hallway and round the corner would come the Room 1 Kids. They’d shuffle and shake and shiver past, all with the exception of this one girl. She would stop dead in her tracks, turn her head and stare at you as you walked by. She had those coke bottle glasses that magnified her goony-goo-goo eyes and her face was always red and twisted into a frighteningly confused look. As if this weren’t bad enough, a haunting moan would escape her drooping lips that would grow in volume as you walked away. The hair on the back of my neck would raise every time I saw her, I get the willies even typing this. Scary stuff.

    The supporting players out of the way, the real star of the show was John John. JJ also lived around the corner from me, so I had known him for a while before Room 1. JJ was a combination retard/bad heart kid. Supposedly he was in his late twenties, but he looked like a young teenager and drove a big wheel around the block. He had deep purple lips, a pink and purple complexion, and his face looked like when you take your palms, place them on your cheeks, and spread your face apart. He was practically an albino, with the lightest blonde hair I have ever seen. His arms would flail wildly, his head would swing forwards and backwards like a rocking chair, and he would constantly engage people in conversation (half the fun was trying to understand what the fuck he was talking about, though he was pretty sharp for such as mess).

    My friend and I were around 11 or so when we met John John. He would come by on his big wheel, and we would hand him sticks and tell him to hit the other kids on the block, which he did so with reckless abandon. We had him giving the finger to cars that drove up our street and taught him how to say “Go fuck your mother”. He liked saying that. A lot. We got into trouble for that one. As bad as that sounds we actually looked after the kid a bit, defended him when other dopey kids fucked with him. Mercifully John John rode his big wheel into the sunset not long after I graduated high school.
    RIP Ole Purple Lips.
  13. PartyRock24

    PartyRock24 Lingering Longer since summer of '06

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    My school is filled with rich white privileged, single minded,pot smokers. 80% of the people have had sheltered lives who are scared of the "minorities." Its kind sad, those kids are going to be screwed when they go into the real world because then they wont have everything at their finger tips.

    I have experienced real things and life and my parents havent given me everything in life. So when you hang around people like that for a long time, it gets on your nerves.

    Also we have a white supremacists, a kid who owns probably the same amount of guns as Anthony does. Thats all i can think of right now.
  14. TyFromColumbus

    TyFromColumbus "You can bike, swim or wear white shorts right?"

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    Ah, Susy Redwine..She was one of those high functioning types that was good enough, apparently, to mainstream into our school system. She talks a lot like Stalker Patti. Anyway she was a SUPER religious bible thumping retard who used to preach to us about our sins all the fucking time. Of course we took full advantage of this. My buddies and I used to tell her all kind of disgusting things that we liked to do to each other and she would get her bible out and preach to us. Even the girls would get into it and tell her that the were thinking about lapping some box and masterbating with different things. We tried as hard as we could to tell her the worst shit possible hoping one day she would crack. Well she did. One day in lunch class one of my friends was making fun of her and she snapped and choked him nearly unconcious. I'm not sure what happened to her but last I heard she got kicked out of a local bible college for choking somebody there too.

    And there was Chad, a downs kid who we actaully liked. We used to make him stick out his giant tongue and flex his muscles. We would have him arm wrestle people and I don't think he ever got beat. Amazing retard strength.
  15. transit grinder

    transit grinder Baglin' with the Sex

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    There was a kid with spina bifida that we all made fun of in middle school because he shit himself and pissed on himself all the time. I am a terrible human being. Of course I didn't know what was wrong with him at the time, just that he stank at any given moment. Thus the nick Stankbomb.
  16. Hudson

    Hudson Supreme Champion!!!!! Donator

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    David Philo..the kid who got his nose stuck in a Vice.

    Eric Brooks..broke both his legs jumping out of a tree and trying to land like they did in Karate movies...last I heard he was in jail for drugs.
  17. kramer0419

    kramer0419 Registered User

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    we has a girl we called flophead. or floppy for short. she was some form of retarded, high functioning but still messed up enough to name her dog, kitty. she also had freddie mercury teeth(two rows on top) as well as one leg longer then the other. she used to chase platic bags around, flash her tits(which were those of an 80 year old) and she would take her shoes off to reveal the blackest bottoms of feet i'd ever seen, real fred flinstone feet, and she would lick them.
  18. stardog

    stardog Well-Known Member Donator

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    Went to tech school and one day they told us that a kid died trying to huff freon. What a dumbass.

    After high school two classmates (1 guy and 1 girl) went to jail for killing baby's. The guy for shaking the baby and the girl left the baby in a garbage after birth. I don't remember if she killed it or if the baby was stillborn.
  19. WhiteHonkyDevil

    WhiteHonkyDevil El hombre de los moleculos!

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    When I was young, I used to be smart. Accelerated program smart. They decided to mix our school in with a 'special' education school. They had used the school to teach the trainables (the school system named their program the "Trainable Mentally Impaired"..TMI for short) from k-12 so they wouldn't have to mix with the regular students. Ever.

    Our program ended up getting moved into their school so we could deal with them on a regular basis. We didn't share any class time (unless they decided to bring us "gifts", usually macaroni art or shitty "friendship bread"), but we shared lunch time and recess.

    What the fuck is it about retards that when they eat, they can't keep their huge tongues in their mouths? Every single bite, every single tard sticks their tongue out, drooling food everywhere. Yech.

    Anyhow, there was always hijinks going on. Tards whacking off, molesting each other, etc.

    There was one that tried to put a plastic bag over his head. A lunch lady noticed and took it off him. He decked her. Knocked her right the fuck down. Then, while screaming "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!" (sounds like OOO DOWN LUVVVVVVV MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!) started kicking over all the garbage cans he could get to before being tackled by a very pissed off janitor.

    Those fuckers used to start fights with us at recess. Ever been spit on by a tard? I don't care how rational of a human being you are, it sets off something in your head. Gandhi would've started kicking ass. Yet...raise a hand to one of these disasters, and a whole world of shit rains down on you. The trick was to get them into a game of smear-the-queer or king of the hill. That way, the excuse was that it was just a game.

    All the gross shit, frustration, hatred, and general nausea goes out the window when they start fighting each other. Two would go at it and it would turn into a bench clearing free-for-all. Grab a snack, sit back, and enjoy.

    I hated 6th grade.

    Then in high school, they started moved the older TMI kids into regular high schools. For some reason, they all wanted to join the JROTC program. You want to talk about disgracing the uniform? Picture thirty of these drooling fucks walking around in a USAF service dress uniform. Bleah.
  20. Goblin

    Goblin ******

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    A kid in my high school tried to outrun a train on his dirtbike. The train won. Everyone at schoold was crying the next day. I had to try not to smile because I thought the kid was an asshole.
  21. lockjaaaaww

    lockjaaaaww All out of Bubble Gum.

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    One of my friends took a shit in a sink, ran out the window in middle of class, and OD on painkillers in a gym lockeroom and was rushed to the hospital.
  22. LiddyRules

    LiddyRules Mr. Sarcasm is The Answer to Everything Donator

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    There were five at my school. The bitchy princess girl, the weird girl, the broody bad boy, the jock kid who ***** a boy in the locker room, and the nerd who brought a gun to school.

    And on one magical Saturday, they learned they were all bitchy weird princess girls who brood and **** and bring guns to school.
  23. CousinDave

    CousinDave Well-Known Member Donator

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    I think I might know them, did the nerd kid ever talk about a girl he met at Niagara Falls?
  24. Three Hole Puncher

    Three Hole Puncher gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh

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    Did your school have a really cool, 80's soundtrack? With like Wang Chung, Oingo Boingo... maybe some Simple Minds n' shit?
  25. FloridaDave

    FloridaDave Media Whore

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    We had "Got her period for the first time in class girl". Bitch made the mistake of wearing white pants that day.

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