American Colony: Meet the Hutterites


South Dakota

Meet the Hutterites is my new favorite show on NatGeo. It has a scripted feel but that's ok with me because the stars of the show don't seem to be the best at following directions.

Reminds me of my one and only visit to a Hutterite colony. Dad and I went to the colony to pick up a couple bushels of cucumbers so he and mom could make pickles. I was watching a few of the Under Hoots running branches through a wood chipper while dad was dickering with the Boss Hoot over the per bushel price of cucumbers. There was a Little Hoot feeding chickens nearby until a bandy rooster attacked him. We had a bandy rooster when I was but a sprig and it was meaner that a swarm of hornets. Their bandy rooster was cut from the same cloth. It pecked and scratched and spurred the Little Hoot relentlessly. This turned out to be a terrible decision on the part of that bandy rooster. The Little Hoot, after a bit of a tussle, grabbed the rooster by the wings and fired it into the wood chipper.

There was no wind or clouds that day. Feathers filled the air. They contrasted the mid-day blue of the sky nicely and fluttered gently to the ground for the better part of a minute. Nobody, not me, not the Little Hoot, not the Under Hoots, not dad or the Boss Hoot, said a thing. We just stared at the feather show until there were no more feathers in the air.

Then the Boss Hoot pointed and shouted at one of the Under Hoots, motioned for him to come over and told him to finish the cucumber deal with my dad before lifting the Little Hoot by his ears and hauling him into the nearest barn for what we all assumed was going to be some form of punishment that would later become part of Hutterite lore.

Dad paid a little more than he wanted to for the cucumbers that day and I haven't set foot on Hutterite soil since. I still chuckle every time I see a jar of homemade pickles.


Are they massive inbred like some other 'communities'? I watched one episode, while it is scripted to a degree, it was entertaining.

They should put out a calender with all the 'hot' ones. ::hammer:
The women look like the New England Patriots Defense. But with thicker mustaches.


What's black and white and red all over?
I've been to a colony several times farther north than this one. I have heard this show is badly faked and I can believe it. For one thing, seems like everyone is in the 15-30 year old range with a couple of parents and toddlers. No old billy goats or 40-50 year olds. Every time I have pulled in with my friend who lives in the area and knows them, the old farts will peek out of various buildings and slowly slide the doors shut so we can't see what they are up to inside. And they keep watch of our every move from behind bushes and around corners.

Seems like there isn't a sin they will turn down when asked. Ma says she won't go to a concert with that little whore daughter, that is a sin and against the rules. Whore says it isn't one of the hard rock bands I like, it is country. Oh, OK then.

I enjoy the head shapes. They have the massive round head, or they have the thin flat head. Every cast member falls into one of those groups, like the Star Belly Sneeches and the Smooth Belly Sneeches.

Troy the Cajun gator killer gets subtitles for no reason, and we are left to decipher what these mush mouths are mumbling by ourselves.


South Dakota
Are these fuckers even speaking English?
Troy the Cajun gator killer gets subtitles for no reason, and we are left to decipher what these mush mouths are mumbling by ourselves.
I am fluent in Hutterite -- a language that only exists in midwestern states when kids are raised speaking German in the home and English in public. Hutterite is far different than Amish.

The Amish speak in a controlled, calming tone. Hutterites always sound excited or distressed maniacs.

Especially when drunk. Hutterites are a riot when they get a few beers in 'em.