An Idiot At Home Depot

mills

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Jan 30, 2005
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#1
Here's the deal. I'm a smoker, and I'm sick of my fingers being brown. I decided to fix the problem recently.

I tried finger cots. Then gloves. Then both at the same time. Didn't work, apparently they're waterproof but not gasproof. Makes sense if you think about it- skin needs to breathe, at least a little.

I tried all kinds of other shit, didn't work. Then it just occurred to me that I could keep the cigarette out of my hand whenever I'm not using it. I know, simple, right? It worked like a motherfucking charm. My nicotine stains disappeared in just a couple of days.

So here I am with this system I need to use. But I have a lot of commute time. And the ashtray built into my car is not helping. It's way too deep. Cigarettes fall into it all the time, and I'm not about to dig them out. It sucks. But I thought of a solution. Sand. Put sand in the ashtray so that the cigarettes won't fall into them.

I'm at home depot, buying ... you guessed it ... sand. I don't know wtf they'll charge me for it. It's 2012 and it's America, they might charge $40 for a bag of stupid sand for all I know. They direct me abouts to where the sand is. Home Depot is a huge store. I get to the sand isle, look around quickly, and deduce that the cheapest bag I can see is about 13 dollars.

I hike it up on my shoulder and head for the register. It's got a slice in it, but I don't know it. It's sanding all over my hoodie. The cashier sees my pathetic state and decides to have mercy on me and help me, out of the goodness of her Puerto Rican heart. She asks what I want and what I want it for. I actually tell her, about the fingers and the car ashtray and the nicotine stains. She warns me that the type of SAND I'M BUYING IS FLAMMABLE.

I'M REPEATING THAT. IN CAPS. BECAUSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT. SAND CAN BE FLAMMABLE. FUCK YOU IF YOU KNEW THIS AND WANT TO LAUGH IT OFF. FUCK YOU AND YOUR UGLY CUNT OF A MOTHER AND CHILDREN.

Neesless to say this puerto rican broad (btw it's a weird thing differentiating mexican from puerto rican here. but it happens a lot)- being a moral human being, steered me away from the flammable fucking sand. And I bought the regular sand for four bucks.
 

Your_Moms_Box

Free Shit / Socialism 2016
Dec 20, 2004
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#3
Why not just wander around town and find a place with one of those outside ashtrays with sand in them and take a cup and scoop some out....

Or just find the maintenance guy for that building and ask for a cup from their 150# bag....


Or better yet, check out the e-cig thread and stop smoking and start vaping. You will still get your nic fix and no shit on your hands.
 

mills

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#4
These suggestions have been quite realistically helpful. I'm ashamed I haven't thought them up myself. I hope no one took offense by my attempt to amuse with an anecdote.
 

d0uche_n0zzle

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Sep 15, 2004
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#6
Stopping smoking was the hardest thing ever. However, it is well worth it.
 
Dec 25, 2005
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#8
You have a yard right? Use dirt. You already own that shit.

I've never heard of flammable sand. What is that used for??
 

mills

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#9
You have a yard right? Use dirt. You already own that shit.

I've never heard of flammable sand. What is that used for??
I do have a yard. But there are way too many biodegradables in soil. Why do you think those things outside of stores that are for putting your cigarette butts in always have sand and never soil.

I forgot already what the flammable sand was. Something related to sacrete maybe? I dunno. I'm sure someone else does. It was placed more front-and-center than the regular sand, so I'm sure it's used not uncommonly.
 

Creasy Bear

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#11
btw... craft stores sell beach sand in little bags... for cheap. I can't speak to it's flammability, but it looked like regular old sand to me.

I know this because I helped my kid with a school project... a shoe box diorama of WWII soldiers storming the beaches of Normandy. It was awesome if I do say so myself.
 

mills

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#12
Is your kid, *clears throat* um, "normal"?
 

mills

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#14
I'm not going to make an uncle paul joke with bb looking on.

But for the record, I wasn't trying to set one up.
 

mascan42

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#16
btw... craft stores sell beach sand in little bags... for cheap. I can't speak to it's flammability, but it looked like regular old sand to me.

I know this because I helped my kid with a school project... a shoe box diorama of WWII soldiers storming the beaches of Normandy. It was awesome if I do say so myself.
I hope you at least did the Saving Private Ryan version, complete w/ blood & dismembered plastic army men.
 

mills

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#17
Flammable sand people.

Let's get it together. There was flammable sand headed for my ashtray.

I guess I could google it, but I'd rather hear from someone who knows.
 

Creasy Bear

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#18
I hope you at least did the Saving Private Ryan version, complete w/ blood & dismembered plastic army men.
Don't worry... I assure you I made liberal use of the red paint and the spaghetti noodle "entrails".

I originally wanted to do a Japanese Soldiers Rape Nanking diorama, but my kid didn't have the balls to pull the trigger on that one. Shame... I'm sure that would've been a real eye-popper in my kid's fancy white bread private school. Really give the femicommie teachers and helicopter parent hausfraus something to squawk about.
 

mills

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#19
You didn't actually send him to a private school did you.
 

LiddyRules

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#21
I get to the sand isle, look around quickly, and deduce that the cheapest bag I can see is about 13 dollars.

And I bought the regular sand for four bucks.
Apparently your powers of deduction suck balls.
 

mills

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#22
No beaches in your area?
I actually thought of going up to the Poconos and stealing the government's sand. Too far, the closest one I can think of is about 40 minutes.
 

mills

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#23
Apparently your powers of deduction suck balls.
It's my powers of providing an accurate visual that suck. I said "isle" for the sake of brevity, and the fact that there are so many gigantic and neverending isles at home depot. And I wanted to include that for the part of the story where the sand bag was taking a dump on me for every step I took, of which there were a shitload.

But the actual "isle" was nothing of the sort. The cheap bags were on the other side of a isle-thing sticking out about 20 feet. I walked my ass off, before hailing the sand bags.
 

LiddyRules

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#25
It's my powers of providing an accurate visual that suck. I said "isle" for the sake of brevity, and the fact that there are so many gigantic and neverending isles at home depot. And I wanted to include that for the part of the story where the sand bag was taking a dump on me for every step I took, of which there were a shitload.

But the actual "isle" was nothing of the sort. The cheap bags were on the other side of a isle-thing sticking out about 20 feet. I walked my ass off, before hailing the sand bags.
Isle?