Coconut

ShooterMcGavin

Go back to your shanties.
May 25, 2005
18,029
1,380
643
#1
I need suggestions for good foods with coconut that do not have the flakey consistency of most coconut foods.

I hate the consistency of coconut but I love the taste. Coconut milk is fantastic, especially in cereal.

I always make the mistake of ordering a coconut pie, thinking it will be all creamy and delicious, but there are always those fucking flakes in there that just ruin it for me. Are there any coconut treats that are not made with coconut flakes, or is my only hope something artificially flavored? I've been searching for this holy grail for years.
 

Jacuzzi Billy

Watching PTI
Donator
Mar 22, 2006
42,837
22,226
628
Red Jacuzzi
#2
I need suggestions for good foods with coconut that do not have the flakey consistency of most coconut foods.

I hate the consistency of coconut but I love the taste. Coconut milk is fantastic, especially in cereal.

I always make the mistake of ordering a coconut pie, thinking it will be all creamy and delicious, but there are always those fucking flakes in there that just ruin it for me. Are there any coconut treats that are not made with coconut flakes, or is my only hope something artificially flavored? I've been searching for this holy grail for years.
Not exactly a treat, but I used to make a pretty good curry that had a lot of coconut milk in it.
 

Bluestreak

This space intentionally left blank.
Sep 27, 2007
4,557
276
398
Mawl-din, MA
#4
Coconut water with a splash of clear rum. Good stuff.
 
Jun 2, 2005
15,516
4
0
Dallas
#5
If you ever eat actual coconut, as in buy the whole thing and cut it yourself, it'll get you over the consistency issue. Shaved coconut is the consistency you hate, right? It doesn't come off the tree all grated.
 

ShooterMcGavin

Go back to your shanties.
May 25, 2005
18,029
1,380
643
#6
Shaved coconut is the consistency you hate, right? It doesn't come off the tree all grated.
Yes, shaved coconut sucks and it's on everything that has "coconut" in the title. I'll try buying one.

Snoballs are the fucking worst.

 

Philly_Tyrant

Registered User
Aug 14, 2003
81
14
518
Team Opie
#7
A fresh whole coconut from the market is... heaven. I hate shaved coconut too but fresh outta the shell is awesome, just be careful drinking alot of fresh coconut milk it will give you diarhea if you drink to much.
 

CousinDave

Registered User
Dec 11, 2007
25,297
198
393
Ohio
#9
popcorn is really good when poped in coconut oil
 

mills

I'll give em a state, a state of unconsciousness
Jan 30, 2005
13,849
638
628
Flea Bottom
#10


Don't forget to brush afterwards.

 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
42,966
9,814
848
#11
I buy whole nuts all the time I love it. That and smashing it open like a skull is fun and tastey
 

OilyJillFart

Well-Lubed Member
Sep 26, 2008
2,877
1,141
483
#12
I love a fresh coconut, its like eating soft delicious wood. I can't bring myself to buy them, they are all over the place in south Fl free for the taking, but I live too far north for the trees to survive. Any time I get down there I grab a few.
 

CougarHunter

Lying causes cat piss smell.
Mar 2, 2006
10,598
2,574
566
KC Metro
#13
I found out about the effects of too much fresh coconut consumption as a boy camping on the beaches in the keys. Between shitting pure water for 3 days and the sand fleas, that vacation was pretty much fucked.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
42,966
9,814
848
#14
ok im pissed, ive bought several fresh nuts over the last few months and every single one of them has been "bad" im thinking of e mailing the supplier and see what happens, i LOVE fresh coconut but im really getting turned off lately. the last one i cracked open smelled like a combination of paint thinner and rotten fruit, several of the others have been moldy and dry, its really disappointing to me, when i smash a nut i really want it, i dont give a shit about the 3$ its the fact that i gots no nut... :(
 

Konstantin K

Big League Poster
Aug 25, 2010
15,776
3,875
273
#15
I hate everything about coconut. Taste, smell, texture. Gross.
 

fletcher

Darkness always says hello.
Donator
Feb 20, 2006
59,523
19,737
513
jersey
#17
Coconuts are horrid and so are the people that enjoy them. Fucking disgusting.
 

BIV

I'm Biv Dick Black, the Over Poster.
Apr 22, 2002
79,197
27,688
898
Seattle
#18
Mama, buy me coconut
Mama buy me some lemonade
Mama-ah buy me cookie
buy me some peanuts
 

Mommadeez4u

Bastard coated bastard w/ bastard filling
Mar 26, 2005
4,043
913
608
Washington, DC
#19
Did you ever make a bra out of two coconut halves? Good times, good times....
 

BIV

I'm Biv Dick Black, the Over Poster.
Apr 22, 2002
79,197
27,688
898
Seattle
#20
No, but I hit them together to make the sound of a horse running.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
42,966
9,814
848
#21
well i finally got a good one, i went on a quest ended up at one of those fancy ass yuppy scum "super markets" were you cant buy anything that doesn't have a fucked up label or fancy fucktard name, hell ive never even seen that many fancy water bottles, but i figured that those shit bags would complain if someone sold them a rotten coconut so i swallowed my pride and went there, well i will admit that i went there in my work clothes, still covered in welding soot and smelling like a monkey house its amazing how much space people give you when you smell like a little tinkle burnt metal and BO that would rival a sand ****** (yea kind of pissed down the front of my shorts this morning and spilled coffee all over my shirt)
so i wandered around the organic, fair trade peta approved vegan section for about 10 minuets, i find my coconut, after picking up every single one and jiggling it to hear its slosh and knocking and tapping them with my pocket knife (and getting funny looks from the straights) i choose the perfect specimen.

i wandered around for another few minuets just checking the joint out stinking the place up, and avoiding the long line at the door then decide to check out. well after getting up to the register i figure out why the line was so long, there was a fat fucking half wit behind the register picking her nose, i put the coconut on the counter and she just stares at it like its a fucking bomb, she picks it up and spins it around then figures out that it has a tag on it after i point it out to her, she then says "ive never sold one of these before, how do you eat it? and how do you get it open, do you want a bag?"

i could not resist this opportunity to be a dick and a creep at the same time. i handed her the $3 smiled and said " i dont think i need a bag, as for eating it you just smash it on the ground real hard and it will pop like a skull, then you just scoop out the insides like brains" her mouth dropped i smiled and said "thanks, have a nice night" and left.
 

MrAbovePar

En Taro Anthony
Mar 14, 2005
13,782
3,174
678
Covington. La
#22
I've made coconut cream from scratch. Involved steaming milk than steeping coconut in it for an hour. Then using cheese cloth to strain it out. Very tasty.