Douche Bag Resumes

abudabit

New Wackbag
Oct 10, 2004
14,802
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#1
Here is the resume of some douche bag herbalist I found on the web:




Over the last ten years my passion for being a repository of plant knowledge has grown steadily. I have studied with Herbalists, Shamen, Vaidyas, Sangomas, Green Witches, Doctors, Professors, Medicine Men…around the country and world. They have initiated me into many ways of walking with plants. More and more there are opportunities to share what I have learned at workshops, conferences, and gatherings of all types around the country.

As an extensive traveler I have developed a deep-rooted network of people whose lives are consciously intermingled with plants, healing, and ways to create a better world. I lead a simple life communicating, teaching, reflecting, and spending a lot of time with family and in the forests and gardens delving deeper into the mysteries of the plant kingdom and our place in the web of life.


Jan,2004-Mar, 2004: I, with a small group, focused on the plants and healers of Kerala collecting knowledge and experiences in this diverse part of India. We revisited many of my favorite areas from my earlier visit.

Nov, 2002 - Apr, 2003: Journeyed through eight countries in southern Africa learning plant stories and healing ways. Report forthcoming.

Sept, 2002: In three weeks I and companion, Chad, walked across California from the Mendocino Coast to Lake Tahoe –eating off the land and sleeping under the stars.

2002: Traveled again to Peru to research deeper the flora and healing ways there. A small group of us were able to relive many of my memorable experiences from my earlier trip.

March, 2001: I walked for a month from the Pamlico Sound at the North Carolina coast west to Max Patch on the border of Tennessee. This walk was a rite of passage for me as I made small fires each day and ate what I could from the land—really learning to appreciate teas and nibbling.

1999: Traveled about Ecuador and Peru for three months. Studied with Shamen and other healers. Wrote a cross-cultural paper at Jutan Sacha Biological Station, Bilsa, Ecuador comparing plant genera used there and abroad. Self-published an extensive report on what I learned on that journey.

1997: Traveled through India and Nepal for nine months. Studied Ayurveda and other forms of traditional healing. Encountered hundreds of healing plants. Self-published an account of experiences gained there.

1995: Graduated from the Northeast School of Botanical Medicine as a Clinical Herbalist, Ithaca, NY.

1988-1992: Creative Writing Teacher at Durham Technical College and a manager at the Durham Food Co-op.

1985: B.S. Degrees in Zoology and Computer Science from Duke University with honors.



During the last decade I have had the honor of learning from and teaching with a wide range of well-known and respected plant teachers in this country. Some of them include: 7Song, Greenlight, Doug Elliott, Alan “Mushroom” Muskat, James Duke, Juliet Blankespoor, Chuck Marsh, Keith Johnson, Rainbow Sunbear, Daniel Nicholson, Peggy Ellis, and John Olmstead. Contact information for references are available upon request.

I have organized plant expeditions with others to Peru and India and intend to continue this service so we can grow to know the plants and cultures of the world.

As a plant enthusiast and community builder I have attended the National Rainbow Gathering for the past 12 years. In California I have attended and taught at the Stone Soup Gatherings and in North Carolina the Summer Permaculture Gatherings for these last 8 years.

I see us quickly becoming one world. My central questions in this respect are what plants will be in our global gardens and stories? What will our global healing system be made of? Each of the living cultures of the world has something to contribute. I intend to find out what they are and share these insights with the world.
 

niklbag

Hooked on chronic worked for me!!!!!
Apr 22, 2004
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Jersey
#3
but can he grow an 8 foot sativa? thats the question.
 

abudabit

New Wackbag
Oct 10, 2004
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#4
but can he grow an 8 foot sativa? thats the question.
I don't like to grow plants in captivity. Nature should harness us, we shouldn't harness nature. Most sativa has been taken away from its natural form through centuries of enslavement and forced breeding. - Douche
 

Creasy Bear

gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
Donator
Mar 10, 2006
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#5
Aren't resumes generally supposed to outline one's work history? Work, as in, jobs one has held... the method by which one has earned their daily bread over the years?

All I see on this "resume" is a couple of unaccredited schools the guy has attended, and a bunch of vacations he has gone on. I also found a book he has for sale on Amazon.com... it was written ten years ago, and there is exactly one used copy available.

This isn't a resume... it's an "I love me" biography written by a filthy hippy who is just about qualified to mow my lawn and trim my hedges.

You just know this patchouli-stinkin' shitweasel prays daily for the collapse of civilization, so he can finally put his silly "eating off the land" hobby to some practical use. Keep dreaming, moonbeam.

Hippies suck.
 

niklbag

Hooked on chronic worked for me!!!!!
Apr 22, 2004
1,382
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0
Jersey
#6
I don't like to grow plants in captivity. Nature should harness us, we shouldn't harness nature. Most sativa has been taken away from its natural form through centuries of enslavement and forced breeding. - Douche
eeeewww your right he is a douche. "we shouldn't harness nature". how does he think medicine is made. what a tool.
 

abudabit

New Wackbag
Oct 10, 2004
14,802
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#7
eeeewww your right he is a douche. "we shouldn't harness nature". how does he think medicine is made. what a tool.
I was only jokin', he never said that quote. Just seems like something he would say. His website is called wildroots after all.
 

Creasy Bear

gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
Donator
Mar 10, 2006
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#8
Before we "harnessed nature" the average human life expectancy was a ripe ol' 28 years of age.

Oh yeah... the world was a paradise back then.
 

NikkorTheMonk

Registered User
Apr 26, 2005
1,524
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#9
As a plant enthusiast and community builder I have attended the National Rainbow Gathering for the past 12 years. In California I have attended and taught at the Stone Soup Gatherings and in North Carolina the Summer Permaculture Gatherings for these last 8 years.
Your dreadlocks stink of campfire and your hippy blackfoot is making neasous to look at. Take a fucking shower!
 
Jan 25, 2006
33,621
4,413
578
Saint Louis
#10
Resumes are fucking ridiculous, the whole idea makes me sick.
I understand that companies have to know where you've went to school and where you've previously worked... But all the other shit is stupid.

I had a friend who cut lawns for a year or two, and on the resume you'd think the guy was a fucking CEO of a lawn care company that handled millions of lawns and made billions upon billions of dollars. He cut his subdivision for $20 a lawn...

It's so fucking fake. And what the fuck does being the President of the Anime club in High school mean. Why should my resume look like shit because instead of staying after the bell rang to play whiffle ball or dungeons and dragons I went home and watched TV.

Can I put all the TV shows I can name and all the lines from movies I can recite on my resume?
Can I put how I can find any TV show or live CD ever on the internet on my resume as "Skills"

Resumes stink.
It's a page of lies and worthless information.
I just can't dress up the fact that I delivered pizzas or worked as a grocery bagger in highschool. It's douchey
 

Joe Avezzano

Registered User
Jul 9, 2006
1,000
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#11
Is there a difference between "travelling" and "journeying"? He apparantly has done both. Seems to have a lot of money to travel around the world, but I don't think there is any mention of an employer in there.
 

Simby19

I want to have L'il Jimmy's babies
Aug 10, 2006
8,458
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Paramus, NJ
#13
I thought it was pretty concise. I'm surprised he is still unemployed.
 
Feb 20, 2006
8,646
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**** Island
#16
Each of the living cultures of the world has something to contribute. I intend to find out what they are and share these insights with the world.

I hope he finds his way to Somalia soon.
 

Creasy Bear

gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
Donator
Mar 10, 2006
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In a porn tree
#17
Shit... I almost forgot!

This thread reminded me of the "video resume" this asshole boss I used to work for did. It was one of the most hysterical things I've ever seen in my life. It was douche-chillingly bad. Picture Ricky Gervais in The Office X 10 and in real life.

This guy was a complete douche who bullshitted his way into a management position by claiming he was an "efficiency expert" who would cut our department's expenses by half while boosting our productivity. What he was was a fat, useless jackass. He was fired after less than a year because everybody hated him, and out of spite we purposefully made it so that our expenses spiraled upwards out of control while he was "managing" us.

Towards the end... when he knew his head was on the chopping block, he used the department's video equipment to make a "video resume". This was back in like 1999, and fat boy thought he'd be all on the cutting techno edge by producing a video resume that he could send out on that there newfangled world wide interwebs that the all the kids were talking about.

By mistake he left a copy of the DVD in the drive. We found it, and we laughed so hard watching it that we nearly died. I swear... I laughed so hard that I ruptured blood vessels in my eyes. I had these little red dots on my eyes for over a week. One guy in the shop actually threw up in a garbage can he was laughing so hard.

I can't even describe how hilariously bad it was... it's beyond words. In one part he says, "As a manager, I run a tight ship..." while sternly looking directly into the camera, "...but that doesn't mean I don't know how to loosen up and identify with my team as a friend." as he takes off his jacket, slings it over his shoulder, and loosens his tie with a bemused smile on his jowly face.

It was a motherfucking riot.

Damn... I gotta find that thing. I'll make some calls tomorrow. I pray somebody at my old job hung on to a copy.
 

BlackNinja

How'd your parents die?
Jan 25, 2006
1,200
0
0
Miami
#18
Resumes are fucking ridiculous, the whole idea makes me sick.
I understand that companies have to know where you've went to school and where you've previously worked... But all the other shit is stupid.

I had a friend who cut lawns for a year or two, and on the resume you'd think the guy was a fucking CEO of a lawn care company that handled millions of lawns and made billions upon billions of dollars. He cut his subdivision for $20 a lawn...

It's so fucking fake. And what the fuck does being the President of the Anime club in High school mean. Why should my resume look like shit because instead of staying after the bell rang to play whiffle ball or dungeons and dragons I went home and watched TV.

Can I put all the TV shows I can name and all the lines from movies I can recite on my resume?
Can I put how I can find any TV show or live CD ever on the internet on my resume as "Skills"

Resumes stink.
It's a page of lies and worthless information.
I just can't dress up the fact that I delivered pizzas or worked as a grocery bagger in highschool. It's douchey
what makes it worse is the faggot companies and industries that buy into that shit like it holds any merit in life whatsoever
 
Jan 25, 2006
33,621
4,413
578
Saint Louis
#19
what makes it worse is the faggot companies and industries that buy into that shit like it holds any merit in life whatsoever
That was always my argument to my parents as far as not doing an extra ciriculars.
I always said "You think an accounting firm is going to give a shit if on Tuesday afternoons I was in the candle-making club"
Apparently some shitdicks think that means something.

If I were in the position to hire people, I'd take the person with a few jobs and no clubs and groups over some tool that did Everything in highschool.
But that's me