Five cocktails only a dickhead would order

BIV

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#1
Five cocktails only a dickhead would order

By Jenn Wohletz Fri., May 3 2013 at 8:00 AM
303 Comments

Categories: Booze News, Jenn in Chains


There is a thin line between self-indulgence and being a dickhead, a line that any bartender could draw for you. On especially busy nights at any watering hole, there is always at least one person who decides to order some outdated or ridiculous beverage that takes up valuable bartender time, makes everyone else wait for their drinks, and earns the irritating imbiber the unofficial -- or official, if you are at some bars -- title of dickhead.
Friends don't let friends drive drunk -- or be the drunk who orders any one of these five cocktails. Because deserving a "bar mat surprise" drink is not something to brag about.
See also:
- Six lovely bubbly-based cocktails
- Sipping and sampling from Ace's 64 happy-hour cocktail combinations
- Best Contemporary Cocktail Bar - Squeaky Bean



5. An old-fashioned
This cocktail is called an old-fashioned because that's pretty much what it is, and ordering it at any bar at any time is something only special sorts of dickheads do, because they know it's a pain in the ass to prepare -- there is a sugar cube and muddling involved. The drink is too ritzy for dives, too dated for ritzy bars, and even mixologists at faddish hipster joints will give a three-sweep eyeroll when some dickhead asks for one "made the right way!" Old-timey drinks like a Ramos gin fizz (needs a raw egg white and flower water), a brandy Alexander (gets fresh cream and fresh-ground nutmeg) or an old-fashioned are begrudged -- and usually made incorrectly, since bartenders aren't nineteenth-century vampires with eternal memories -- when old people order them, and when anyone under the age of 65 orders one, they're only doing it to look cool and impress people. Which is a dickhead move because the only thing you really have to do to impress someone in a bar is buy him or her a shot.


4. A strawberry daiquiri
Only dickheads order strawberry daiquiris (exceptions given to people who ordered them between the years of 1980 and 1989) -- and this means you, too, ladies. This frozen, blended drink should really be made at home, by parents disguising low-grade rum they're serving to friends, and secretly pilfered by teenagers -- because it would take an industrial waste tanker filled with these daiquiris to get anyone drunk enough to do anything really cool or really stupid. And the same goes for any other kind of daiquiri --banana or blueberry-peach-passion-orange-banana. Ordering any of these in a bar basically alerts everyone around that you a wuss-assed pansy-sniffer who can't handle alcohol; you are like the highway driver who goes 36 miles an hour in the fast lane. In other words, you are more dangerous and annoying than the guy taking Jager shots. And cleaning up fruity daiquiri puke off a bar patio table should be nobody's responsibility but your own.



3. A top-shelf, dirty martini
Dickheads usually order these because they don't know any better, they've seen people order them in movies (shaken, not stirred), and they are convinced that having this particular cocktail in front of them will get them laid all Mad Men-style. Here's the rub -- most bars don't even bother carrying dry vermouth, and the ones that do usually keep it somewhere out of easy reach and will just say "bucket-fuck-it!" and make the drink without it, anyway. Dry Vermouth was used back in the Prohibition era to take the edge off when homemade vodka was distilled in bathtubs and could strip the paint off fire engines. Nowadays, though, the vodkas that most bars carry have been distilled so many times they are more pure than a pile of driven snow in Iowa. So when you order upper-division vodka and ask for it extra dirty, you are telling the bartender to hash up all that purity with stale, filthy olive garnish brine-water. This not only makes you a dickhead, but a really dumb one -- because chances are you are being overcharged for the drink as well.


2. Lime-flavored beer of any kind
Bartenders cringe when they get in cases of bad beer adulterated with lime flavoring, because this stuff is like a dickhead magnet. Dickheads love this crap because it saves them the huge hassle of having to squeeze a fucking lime into their beers; adding an actual lime to a pint of cheap lager takes too much time away from pretending to be a med student with a high GPA. And what if that pesky lime pulp soils the aesthetic integrity of your knock-off polo shirt? This boner-brew is cheap because it tastes like a winning combination of aluminum siding and crack sweat, making your bar tab low and your rep even lower, because paying a dollar a bottle for beer if you aren't homeless or in high school is something dickheads do to avoid a big bar tab -- or a decent tip to the bartenders.




1. Virgin frozen drinks of any kind
One of the most dickheaded things you can do is order a slow drink in a fast-paced bar, and when you ask for a cocktail that requires a blender and you aren't even ordering alcohol in it, you are wasting the bartender's time, acting like a panty-princess, and holding up the line for people who ordered real drinks. Virgin mudslides are no more than shakes, alcohol-free pina coladas are smoothies: Bars aren't supposed to be Jamba Juice. So if you are ordering frozen drinks sans booze, take your Disney ass to the mall -- and get some California rolls while you are at it. If you must go to a bar and not drink -- by the way, designated drivers are awesome and excused from any dickhead labels -- order a soda, and try to imagine how much wasted time and energy you just saved the barkeep.
http://blogs.westword.com/cafesociety/2013/05/five_cocktails_only_dickheads.php
 

fletcher

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#2
No bikini tinies?

/obligitory
 

Creasy Bear

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#3
Agree with all the frufru bitch drinks... but a classic Martini? What kind of shitheap dive is this guy going to that considers a vodka Martini too complicated and exotic?

Bars don't bother carrying dry vermouth? Yes... I'm sure biker bars and flophouse bars don't. Any bar that doesn't have a bottle of dry vermouth on hand is officially a dive.
 

Creasy Bear

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#4
True about the Old Fashioned... I make them at home as a rare treat... a well-prepared Manhattan is a wonderful thing. But I would never order one out at a regular bar. A high end bar... maybe.
 

BIV

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Apr 22, 2002
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#5
Agree with all the frufru bitch drinks... but a classic Martini? What kind of shitheap dive is this guy going to that considers a vodka Martini too complicated and exotic?

Bars don't bother carrying dry vermouth? Yes... I'm sure biker bars and flophouse bars don't. Any bar that doesn't have a bottle of dry vermouth on hand is officially a dive.
Read it. it's about ruining the alcohol, not the other way around.
 

Ballbuster1

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#6
Beer and virgin drinks aren't cocktails and who
the fuck is bothered by making a vodka martini?

Kind of a lame article.
 

Creasy Bear

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#7
Read it. it's about ruining the alcohol, not the other way around.
It's bullshit.

Vermouth isn't just a "masker'... it's just as valid a mixer as any other mixer. The point of all mixers used to be to cover the horrid taste of shitty booze. By this guy's logic... all mixers should have been done away with when booze got better. Nonsense.

Gin tastes a fuckload better now than the turpentine gin of the 1920's... so am I being stupid when I drink a gin and tonic nowadays?
 

LiddyRules

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#8
Bartenders cringe when they get in cases of bad beer adulterated with lime flavoring, because this stuff is like a dickhead magnet. Dickheads love this crap because it saves them the huge hassle of having to squeeze a fucking lime into their beers; adding an actual lime to a pint of cheap lager takes too much time away from pretending to be a med student with a high GPA.
Hah hah. Someone can't get laid at a bar.
 

VicVinegar

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#9
I guess it is classier in the author's book to order a Yagerbomb than a dirty martini. Nevermind you order a classic drink like an Old Fashioned. What about mojitos? Isn't that also too much work for these poor bartenders?
 

Stormrider666

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#10
Sounds like it was written by some lazy bartender that doesn't want to do his job.
 

Hudson

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#11
Grew up with my family drinking Old Fashioneds, Grandad Old Fashioned's to be specific. Many a time I have heard my grandfather say to the cocktail waitress: "Grandad Old Fashioned...but not too much water because Old Grandad can't swim". It is a classic mixed drink, like a Dirty Martini,...If a bartender gets fits when asked to make one, they shouldn't own the moniker bartender.
Now Grasshopper, Lemondrop, or Oatmeal Cookie...those are queer drinks. And that picture is of a Whiskey Sour, another breakfast or queeb drink.
 

LiddyRules

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So I am guessing the hipster douche that wrote this just orders shots?
Only if it comes with a PBR. Not a sissy drink like lime beer. That the guys with muscles drink. The ones who the chicks go for. They're all meanies. I mean, he doesn't hate that sort of beer. Bartenders do. Because they're making sales?
 

whiskeyguy

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#16
I don't really care what anyone orders at a bar, but girls that ask to see a drink menu at the bar itself should be killed. Get a fucking booth if you want to do that, there are serious drinkers waiting in line behind you.

Thankfully, I rarely drink at establishments classy enough to actually have a drink menu, but that seems to always happen whenever I'm on vacation in places like Tahoe or wherever.
 

Neckbeard

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The Old Fashioned one is preposterous. Maybe if you order one in Nebraska or Georgia you're kind of a twat, especially if you insist on proclaiming the "right way"
to make one, but they are popular in California and institutions in the Midwest. I'd love for this bartender to work in Minnesota or Wisconsin and try to make a living
without mixing highball Old Fashioneds. Half of the money you make in the Midwest is selling whiskey and brandy Old Fashioneds.

They are a great Barometer Cocktail. I've never had good service and good food from a bar that served me a shitty, half-assed Old Fashioned.

Edit: Sugar cube, bitters, rail whiskey, top it off with soda in a rocks glass. There is NOTHING ritzy about an Old Fashioned. The grimiest bars I've been in my life have made me Old Fashioneds.

P.S. DENVER COLORADO wants to give me alcohol advice? Fuck you, lady.
 

Neon

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#18
Sex on the Beach. Orgasm. Any drink with a sexual name is the mark of a douche.

And I do enjoy a good Manhattan or Old Fashioned, but only if it's at one of those restaurants that only have 4 or 5 drinks and that's the best one.

And you get a pass on frozen drinks if it's at a party where they are being blended. Ordering it off the menu is pretty douchey.
 

Don the Radio Guy

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Nothing wrong with a fruity drink if you're in the tropics. Basically if a linen suit is ok, so is a fruity drink.
 

Hudson

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#21
The Old Fashioned one is preposterous. Maybe if you order one in Nebraska or Georgia you're kind of a twat, especially if you insist on proclaiming the "right way"
to make one, but they are popular in California and institutions in the Midwest. I'd love for this bartender to work in Minnesota or Wisconsin and try to make a living
without mixing highball Old Fashioneds. Half of the money you make in the Midwest is selling whiskey and brandy Old Fashioneds.

They are a great Barometer Cocktail. I've never had good service and good food from a bar that served me a shitty, half-assed Old Fashioned.

Edit: Sugar cube, bitters, rail whiskey, top it off with soda in a rocks glass. There is NOTHING ritzy about an Old Fashioned. The grimiest bars I've been in my life have made me Old Fashioneds.

P.S. DENVER COLORADO wants to give me alcohol advice? Fuck you, lady.
While anyplace can give you an Old Fashioned...I can name 4 places that I have had a truly great one: Rods in Florham Park, NJ. Publick House in Sturbridge, Mass. Bookbinders Philly, Pa. and Queen Mary in Long Beach Ca.
 

SatansCheerledr

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#22
I love a good Old Fashion but I would never order one at a bar because I know they would not make it right. It's that little touch of raw egg white you shake the fuck out of till it emulsifies and gives you that foam on the top that makes it sublime. A lost art in the modern age.
 

NuttyJim

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#23
Dickhead drinks:

Basically anything that you need Red Bull to mix it.
 

Hudson

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#25
I love a good Old Fashion but I would never order one at a bar because I know they would not make it right. It's that little touch of raw egg white you shake the fuck out of till it emulsifies and gives you that foam on the top that makes it sublime. A lost art in the modern age.