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FU - Company Xmas Party

Discussion in 'What the F??!?' started by Motor Head, Dec 15, 2012.

  1. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Once again I was subjected to the 'Masters Of The Insurance Universe' fancy-schmancy no peasants allowed xmas party for all the head muckity mucks at my wife's employer.

    The good -
    Free drinks, lots and lots of free drinks and the food - My doG the food was a veritable whose who of the culinary world. I ate lobster, and when I say lobster I mean an actual cold water main lobster claws and and tail. The skrimps! They had a huge pile of them in some sort of ice sculpture. The had these little horsedevores that had bacon, glorious bacon wrapped around things. Oh, and of course the fishy eggs, the salty candy from the gods! So down the line there was this guy doling out cavier and when I approached he asked "How do you take your cavier, sir?" With crackers and ketchup, peasant!

    I had a bacon martini while eating a mini plate of back wrapped pineapple bites. Fuck my cardiologist!!

    The bad -
    Of course my wife expects me to be on my goodest boy behavior and I've already promised a dozen times on the way to the party to forget the words - "Cunt, twat, and faggot". Aside from that I also promise to pace myself with the drinking. Mrs. Motorhead is quite aware that a drunken Mr. Motorhead means a sociopath will eventually creep out and an abortion or **** joke will soon follow.

    So anywho, we show up and the party is just starting up. Of course I have to go palm pumping while my wife introduces me to her new secretary and her husband. Right off the bat I like the cut of this guys jib, because he was holding a Jack and Coke and handed it straight off too me because his wife had seen us walk in and told her husband to go get me a drink. So Mr. SecretaryLady and I had a brief chat, and it turns out he's another peasant just like me working for the city water works.

    Of course along comes Mr. HeadMuckityMuck the man himself. The big cheese, the big kahuna, the ayatollah of insurolla. He's wearing what has to be a $2000 dark blue silk suit with a tie that cost more then my entire wardrobe. He has a scotch in his hand and he's already halfway in the bag. He remembers me from last year and of course he wants to talk about my job and play 20 questions. I entertain him and play along. He invites me over for a nip of his private stock of 25 year old McCallan. Now, folks - I am not a scotch drinker. I actually hate the shit. I tell him I'm more of a bourbon man, but he insists. So he has the bartender pull out his private bottle of what I'm sure must be some pretty expensive shit and he pours me a scotch neat. I take a sip, turpentine!! This isn't scotch it's fucking poison. My mind races, is he trying to poison me? Did I give his wife a citation while operating her $100K German sports car? Why is this guy trying to kill me? So I take another sip....ODIN SAVE ME!! I'm going to have to figure out how to get what I'm sure is some sort of industrial chemical down my gullet so I can get back to Jack and Cokes to flush this foul fluid out of my system. But I was spared from a third sip, when Mr. HeadMuckityMuck excused himself to go talk to one of the other party guests. I quickly fled the bar area and took my wife what was left of the scotch.

    So the party goes on, nothing but light conversation while muzak pumped Christmas tunes into our collective hive mind of getting drunk and stuffing our faces with food we would normally never eat. I gorged myself. Gorged my bagger friends. Oh, and did the drinks flow. Wonderful drinks! Magical drinks! I was actually enjoying myself despite the fact that I generally loath large groups of people. But of course with all good things, especially alcohol - Old Mr. Trouble found yours truly when somebody decided to get too drunk and get smarmy with me.

    The Ugly
    Most of the people in the inner circle of bosses generally respect me and what I do. In some cases they are quite mesmerized with my tales of highway ruthlessness and are also familar that I have quite a sharp tongue when I'm tasked. Earlier that night I was invited out to the helicopter pad with all the big bosses for a cigar and a brandy. But of course not everybody respects what I do. While atop the roof we exchanged jokes, nothing rapey or involving fetuses of course. Mostly the good ol' knee slappers of old and maybe a racy joke involving fornication. One of the guys I was up there with was none too interested in one of my highway tales (The Story of Moon Roof The Rookie). He was actually rude to me after I told it. On the way down on the elevator he says "boy you sure married up, huh?". I have a laser sharp ability to read people. This fat sawed off fuck in the Brooks Brothers suit looking like Jason Alexander obviously had a problem with me. I took a deep breath, thought of my wife and didn't say a word. There was no way I was going to let George Costanza get my goat.

    I got out of the elevator and got myself a drink and went back to my table to be entertained by Mr. SecretaryLady. We were having a hoot. Drinking, laughing, telling awful jokes at other peoples expenses. Our wives were busy hobnobbing and palm pumping with the rest of the group. I sat back watching my wife work the room and finally much to my pleasure one of the guests embarrassed the fuck out of herself when she started dirty dancing with her boyfriend. The stunned crowd looked on in horror as she then broke from the dance and went back to her table, grabbed two lobsters off of two peoples plates and put the lobster into a sexual position exclaiming "they're humping!". I wanted to roar with laughter, not of course at the humping lobsters, but at the career ending spectacle it was. Yep, come Monday when she shows up for work, two burly security guards will be handing her a box with all her shit in it and escorting her out the fucking door.

    Back to the bar I went for another libation when who do I see? Well it's George Costanza and man is he smashed! I order my drink and he stares at me for a moment. I'm trying to ignore him, but of course now he has something to say.
    George - Boy, you hit the jackpot huh? She's up on the 13th floor, making a helluva lot more money then you.
    I stood there silent. Thought about it for a second, then simply answered "Go fuck yourself, pal". I turned and walked away while the bartender tried to defuse the situation. I went back to my table and watched pudgy go stumble back to his table. One of the wives was also at the bar and of course she ran off to her husband and told him all about the exchange. Her husband came over and apologized for the other man's behavior telling me that George was drunk and had recently gotten his 2nd DUI. I just sat back and told him there was no need to apologize and that I had said my peace.

    The rest of the night went off without anymore drama. It was actually a little boring, but after all I'm at an INSURANCE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY. I was a good boy. I didn't call anybody a cunt, only used the F word in anger once and my proud wife drove my sloppy drunk ass home.
     
    #1 Motor Head, Dec 15, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2012
  2. TreeFortRichard

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    Did you tell him not to worry, you brought a few ziploc bags and are going to bring plenty of the apps home with you...what a dick...of course he is massively jealous of you and probably your wife as well...congrats on putting up with it...the smartest men in the world are the ones whose wives lap them in salary...mine is about a 2.5x....
     
  3. whiskeyguy

    whiskeyguy PR representative for Drunk Whiskeyguy.

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    Company Christmas parties scare me... it's torture to have that much free booze and yet have to show restraint. Certain weddings can be like that also.

    Did your wife get promoted to manager of Applebees or something? :action-sm
     
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  4. Mags

    Mags Edgelord
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    So MH, bourbon over scotch? Ew.
     
  5. icculus1284

    icculus1284 Registered User

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    Jack and cokes over Maccallan 25 at that.

    Maccallan 25 is in the $600/bottle range.

    The 12 year actually tastes very similar to bourbon, IMO.
     
  6. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    ahhhhh well quite frankly although im not married, in theory i have "married up" and quite frankly i love it. i usually avoid the inevitable "what do you do" question and just tell most people that im never going to meet again that im a trash man.
     
  7. JonBenetRamsey

    JonBenetRamsey well shit the bed

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    applebees managers actually do pretty well due to bonuses. my friend's cousin is now a district manager there. 6 figures.
     
  8. whiskeyguy

    whiskeyguy PR representative for Drunk Whiskeyguy.

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    Oh literal JBR...
     
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  9. Nothing Sound

    Nothing Sound Riding the Biggest Wave

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    I do not attend Christmas parties, company or not.
    I don't see the point.
     
  10. weeniewawa

    weeniewawa it's a man, baby!!!

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    my companies is tonight

    I am here for your entertainment
     
  11. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    I have to admit... I can't do the scotch either. Loves me the Bourbon... can't even stand the smell of scotch. And... the better the scotch, the more I hate it. Smokey, peaty, expensive single malt scotch... gasoline to my shanty Irish palate.

    I honestly would rather drink from a 15 dollar bottle of whiskey than I would a 200 dollar bottle of scotch.

    I tried too... when I first became a proper boozehound(about the time I turned 15) I seriously tried to become a sophistimacated single malt scotch guy... drinking out of a Baccarat crystal tumbler with my pinky finger sticking up... couldn't do it. I can honestly say that I've never enjoyed a glass of scotch... drank plenty in my day... never enjoyed a sip.

    Somebody gave me a pretty expensive bottle of premium Macallan once... the thing sat in my pantry for like 4 years. It's rare that a bottle of booze lasts more than a month in my house. I don't even have a liquor cabinet in my house... I know that sounds weird for a boozehound... no liquor cabinet... but there's a very logical reason for that. I don't display liquor bottles or store them for extended periods of time. What I do with liquor bottles... I drain their contents post haste... that's what I do.

    A quality bottle of tequila? Forgetaboutit... when me and Mister Rourke get our drink on, a tequila bottle's life expectancy can be measured in minutes.
     
  12. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    My wife told me scotch for some people is an acquired taste. She learned to enjoy the taste....well she says 'enjoy' I say she learned to be able to swallow down industrial cleaning fluid that has been kept in a barrel for years. I'm the same as you 3HP, no real liquor cabinet. I just have my cupboard of shame that I keep stock full of everything from Jack Daniels to ol' skull popper vodka (for serving to guest in a Grey Goose bottle).

    My sister in law thinks I'm the most generous guy in the world for always keeping a bottle of Grey Goose in the freezer for her......Yeah, your drinking Skol Vodka, dummy. When that shit gives you an ulcer you can blame your own cooking.
     
  13. MTJonny

    MTJonny All my posts come with a free smile
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    I had a very similar situation as MH. My wife is a graphic designer for the largest real estate company in the Denver area and we went to their Christmas get together last Friday. It was easily the fanciest (aka pretentious and cunty) affair that I have ever attended. It was in the Four Seasons hotel and virtually every person there, whether party goer or guest, was dressed in clothes that cost the same of my several of my truck payments. I knew immediately I was out of place, but having accepted and embraced my status of white trash, I could give a fuck. I was wearing my nicest pair of jeans (Absolutely wouldn't be caught dead in them) and a button up shirt, making me stick out like a drop of water in a sea of grease.

    After bee-lining to the open bar as soon as we showed up, my wife started introducing me to the people from her office. The normal people were fine, but they were far rarer then the torment of my night, the realtors. There were several occasions where after shaking someones hand, I felt like I would need a pot of scalding water to get the slime off me. Fucking vultures in human form, the majority of the brokers I identified as human garbage right of the bat. Out of the 20ish I met, two actually came off as decent people. Being as my wife is fairly new at her job, I did my best to be friendly, but I have never heard so many people want to tell me about how great they are, how much stuff they own, or how much money they make.

    The highlight of the night came from the other husbands at the event. As the party dragged on, we congregated more and more until finally our wives left us alone, knowing the group of us weren't budging to listen to more self aggrandizing by a room full of narcissistic fucks. There was one fella that I met early on that made the party much easier. He said a few things about the brokers that were Wackbag level of political correctness, so I liked him right away. We stayed around the party for just long enough to be socially acceptable (Pretty much the minute the open bar closed) before we grabbed the wives and left.
     
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  14. whiskeyguy

    whiskeyguy PR representative for Drunk Whiskeyguy.

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    Personally I enjoy scotch... but I don't drink it too often (mainly because I can't afford to). 90% of the time I drink Jim Beam, but if I'm celebrating something I'll either go with decent/good scotch or good tequila.
     
  15. SatansCheerledr

    SatansCheerledr Ideologically Unsound

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    Scotch is disgusting. Cheap ass Scots kilning their malt over dried swamp weeds.

    You did good MH, potential clusterfuck avoided.
     
  16. Wrecktum

    Wrecktum Tounge puncher of fart boxes

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    Now you should pull him over and see if he will show you how he sucks dick...

    Sent from my LGL75C using Tapatalk 2
     
  17. lockjaaaaww

    lockjaaaaww All out of Bubble Gum.

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    Mine is just at a bar.
     
  18. Chino Kapone

    Chino Kapone Yo, whats wrong wit da beer we got?

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    I sell homes for a builder, bu am not a realtor, just a sales guy. I deal with realtors on a daily basis, and they walk in ass first because they expect me to kiss it for them bringing in a client. I'd say 6 out of 10 times if a deal falls through it is because the realtor and their ego screwed it up.

    I've worked with a client for a month without a mention of a realtor. Then all of the sudden a realtor pops up out of no where demanding her 3% or she's taking her client elsewhere. Bitch, it wasn't your client in the first place... These slimey fucks will meet talk someone into letting them "help" when all they do is show up demand 3% and are never to be heard from again.
     
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  19. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    There were a few of the sales types there that were pretty obnoxious about how much money they made or the latest gadget or car they bought. I wanted to do the Christian Bale "Ohh, good foor yoouuu!".
     
  20. OilyJillFart

    OilyJillFart Well-Lubed Member

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    I wouldn't be surprised if that's what the honcho at the party did with you. The office bottle of single malt $500 scotch is probably from a plastic jug for $20.
    He probably gets off listening to everyone praise it as the best shit ever.
     
  21. SatansCheerledr

    SatansCheerledr Ideologically Unsound

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    I do the Vyvyan from The Young Ones, "That's Very,Very, Interesting!" line.
     
  22. weeniewawa

    weeniewawa it's a man, baby!!!

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    I was returning a rental car a few weeks back and there was a woman in dirty sweats picking up one. When they told her what car she was getting, she said " I drive a Lincoln bla bla bla so it needs to be comparable." and I work for so and so realtors, I knew right then she was going to be a problem

    She came back in after leaving to say it was not up to her standards and the Ford dealer was going to find her another car

    all she did was make my time there longer and while getting a ride to my bodyshop, she went along to her shop, all she did was talk about her problems with her car.

    and she was probably just a phone answering woman in the office but was she annoying
     
  23. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Well, he can chalk that up to a fail as far as I go.
     
  24. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    our work "lunch" is friday, i fucking hate it. i end up having to set up all the shit then sit around and watch all the fucking freeloaders come buy and eat skrimps and kiss the ring of the king while i sit around and wait to get fucking paid. and all of them tell me how much of a saint i am to put up with his bullshit, all the while they are trying to get something for nothing, besides why the fuck would anyone want to sit around a dirty bodyshop drinking and watching the village idiot insult people. the first couple of years i tried to embrace it but now it just annoys me, i dont like drinking at work, i dont like to be at work if im not working, im thinking this year bailing out asap with the "im going to OCMD" as soon as i leave here to meet up with my chick, which is partially true, she refuses to come because of the cat and she cant stand my boss but she's going to be in AC with her sister till saturday. that and i dont want to get stuck cleaning up again, a couple of years ago i brought in a few tables and a chair or two and it turned into a pain in the ass with the phone calls " you forgot your chairs come get them" really? dont i fucking work there? aren't i going to be back at work the day after Christmas? is it that much of a task to put my 3 or 4 folding chairs and a table next to my tool box? blech fuck it i wish i didn't have to go at all. its not like we work in the morning. pay me and let me fucking leave.
     
  25. Wrecktum

    Wrecktum Tounge puncher of fart boxes

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    I wind up bartending a lot of Christmas parties someone always gets fired.

    Sent from my LGL75C using Tapatalk 2
     

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