Posted today by a really hot girl I knew in college: "Stomach bug. Ugh." Seriously, honey, I used to spend hours in marching band following you around while you wore short shorts. I know that ass quite well, thank you. Might even have enjoyed it fully on a few drunken bowl trips, but we're not going to talk about that since you're now married to the guy you were technically dating at the time. Do I really need to know, even through the veil of euphemism, that the deliciously perfect butt that I can still visualize is now squirting liquid yellow-brown shit while you're on the toilet?