GQ's rules for naming your baby.

BIV

I'm Biv Dick Black, the Over Poster.
Apr 22, 2002
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#1
You Named Me…What?
If name is destiny (Destynee?), then judging from the dumb-ass, intentionally misspelled, needlessly apostrophe'd names we Americans are giving our kids nowadays—Jaxxon, Branlee, Scot't—we're raising a generation of meth heads. What can be done to stop this? Presenting GQ's rules for naming a baby in the worst baby-naming era in human history
By Drew Magary
July 2013

Congratulations, your wife/girlfriend/au pair is pregnant! A little bundle of colicky delight awaits you mere months from now. And one of the great joys of this period of anticipation is brainstorming all kinds of kick-ass names for your offspring.

But be warned: The power that comes with naming a child can be both intimidating and addictive, and we are currently in the throes of a child-naming crisis here in America. Seemingly rational people are naming their kids Baylynn, and Daxx, and Nirvana. Ethans are becoming Aythans. Marys are becoming Jazzmins. Wannabe elitist parents keep trying to one-up each other, as if a uniquely horrible name serves as some kind of guarantee against little Aston Martin growing up to be merely ordinary. Soon we'll be staring down an army of Apples, and the entire country will collapse upon itself. Each of us will get only a few opportunities (or if you're Antonio Cromartie, two dozen) to help in the fight against this encroaching apocalypse, so when your turn comes, please do your part by following a few simple rules.

Do not invent a name. Most inventions fail. Many don't even make it past the patent stage. What makes you think a name you created out of thin air is gonna stand the test of time? There's a reason why "Jane" and "David" have hung around for so long. They're proven. They've been workshopped out in the field. That's not true of Kaydiss. You didn't even run it past a focus group. You're putting the responsibility for an entire new product launch on that poor baby's shoulders. That's a dick move. This also goes for any classic name that you deliberately mutilated. No one's gonna be dazzled that you took Christopher and turned it into Krystougher.

Think real hard about whether or not a "cool" name is all that cool. Listen, I've been vulnerable to this, too—I had Duke and Rock on the list for my first son, because I'm an idiot. But I wised up, because you don't pick a name for the initial novelty of it. The name you choose needs to hold up for a long, long time. You may think naming your kid Ace will automatically make everyone think he's a fighter pilot, but the culture changes. It evolves. Names that sound kinda badass now become stale and tepid with the passage of time. If you're going to name your kid Ace, you might as well name him 1987.

If you give your kid a kooky name, there'd better be a story behind it. "You see, we named her Veniss because she was conceived in a pensione outside Venice. But Tyler's grandmother just died and her name was Missy and we wanted to honor her memory. And then I thought…Veniss! Plus the name has Macedonian roots, and I'm Macedonian!"

Don't abuse the letter y. It's not a real vowel. It's only a vowel when all the other vowels have been injured and you need to use the emergency third-string vowel. It's not some kind of all-purpose MEGAVOWEL that can be readily substituted for the real ones just because you think it looks cooler. Little Prysylla shouldn't have to grow up thinking her name was inspired by some kind of Croatian village. And another thing…

Go easy on the "extreme" letters. I like x, k, and z as much as any competitive Scrabble player does. But these are children you're naming, not line extensions of Mountain Dew. The only reason to name your kid Jaxxon is if you really want him to grow up to be a Duke lacrosse player.

Do not use double letters if you don't have to. Branlee. That's a real name. People have used it, just as they've used Kylee, Sandee, and thousands of other homemade names that deploy double e's and double n's wherever possible because…well, beecausee! It just looks betterr, doesn't it?! We're on the verge of triple letters. In two years, a Trissstyn will show up at your country day school and everyone's head will explode.

Do not name your child after the following things:
A television network
An item in the Pottery Barn catalog
Some goddamn character in Twilight
A car
A type of New Age exercise method
Yourself
Food
Any celebrity baby. We already have one Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. We don't need a second one.

Consider whether that apostrophe is really necessary. It isn't.

Think about the kid and not yourself. Are you giving this kid a one-of-a-kind name because you're fishing for cheap compliments? Do you want friends and family to be dazzled by your creativity? That's probably what's going on here, even if you can't admit it. A name shouldn't make a person. A person should make a name for himself. He has to go and earn it by fighting bears and seducing the wives of dictators. On his own. Without your help. So before you fill out that birth-certificate application, think hard about the person who's gonna be carrying around this name for life. Put yourself in the kid's shoes, and maybe, just maybe, you'll have the balls not to name her Brixie.
http://www.gq.com/entertainment/humor/201307/nine-baby-naming-rules-2013?printable=true
 

VicVinegar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2012
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#3
If I have kids, I want to give them the most generic first names possible. No lifetime of mispronounced names. No jokes while in school. It's called not being selfish and doing your kid a favor.
 

DiggerNick

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#4
I heard a story from a schoolteacher who had a 'Jaxin' in her class. She wrote his name as 'Jackson' and the kid said "Miss, you spelled my name wrong!" and she said "No, I didn't. Your parents did."

I tell you, Australian white trash are almost as bad as black people when it comes to kid's names.
 

jrsaint

Registered User
Feb 13, 2006
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#5
I heard a story from a schoolteacher who had a 'Jaxin' in her class. She wrote his name as 'Jackson' and the kid said "Miss, you spelled my name wrong!" and she said "No, I didn't. Your parents did."

I tell you, Australian white trash are almost as bad as black people when it comes to kid's names.
If I said that shit, i'd be in the principal's office with the parent(s) explaining why I am insensitive to others interpretation of basic English grammar rules.
 

Sunsetspawn

Registered User
Dec 5, 2005
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#6
This article is missing something
 

Chino Kapone

Yo, whats wrong wit da beer we got?
Jun 10, 2005
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#8
Oh man... That's a great article.

My girlfriend works at a school that is mainly lower class kids and has the best kids name story ever. To give you an idea, 95% of the kids eat breakfast and lunch for free because their familys can't afford it.

So she went to an in home visit with another teacher. The family had 4 kids, and pretty much lived in squalor. During the visit the mom goes into the kitchen and they ask the dad where they came up with the name of their kid. He said that he thought his wife was cheating on him, and didnt think the baby was his. So when the baby was born, and the mom was knocked out on all the drugs, the nurse asks the husband the name of the kid.... and to get back at her for her supposed cheating he told the nurse they decided on "Kyurem." Kyurem is the name of a pokemon character... Fucking white trash.

Anwway, turns out the family got evicted, and was living in a tent. The kids would often walk home to their tent, and the parents wouldn't be there, and wouldn't show back up. The oldest would have to get the kids ready. Kyurem came into the classroom one day, and mind you this kid could barely spell 'cat,' and puts "FOOD" on the chalkboard. The kids were fucking starving all the time since they didn't have a home... Pretty fucking sad, because DHS goes to their tent, and the parents take off and just leave their kids behind.
 

Kugzilla

Roar. Go: Eagles, Flyers, Philles, Buckeyes, etc.
Oct 7, 2005
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#9
Mine are all named after dead realitives who had normal names.

That said, I worked in a school once where a bright young lady was saddled with the name Klymydya. Her young mother heard it in health class and thought it sounded pretty, like a flower.
 
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Atomic Fireball

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#10
How could any GQ readers have babies to name?
 

Neckbeard

I'm Team Piggy!
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#11
An article about giving babies shitty names and it is all against modern White naming conventions and has two pictures of White babies.
This is a gutless article because it didn't mention the horrible names "Black and Proud" people have been foisting on their dusky hellspawn.

How about "If you aren't French or Italian, don't name your kid with a French or Italian sounding prefix or name. If you aren't nobility, don't name your kid
'Marquis." No spelling variant is appropriate. Is your kid really a Princess? How presumptive and arrogant is it to name a baby King or Queen?
Don't name your children after abstract concepts and qualities like Precious, Destiny, Harmony.
And Good Lord, stay away from Charity and Chastity and Faith unless you are dead-set on having a girl on the stripper pole"

Those are rules that were conspicuously absent.
 

Atomic Fireball

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#12
An article about giving babies shitty names and it is all against modern White naming conventions and has two pictures of White babies.
This is a gutless article because it didn't mention the horrible names "Black and Proud" people have been foisting on their dusky hellspawn.

How about "If you aren't French or Italian, don't name your kid with a French or Italian sounding prefix or name. If you aren't nobility, don't name your kid
'Marquis." No spelling variant is appropriate. Is your kid really a Princess? How presumptive and arrogant is it to name a baby King or Queen?
Don't name your children after abstract concepts and qualities like Precious, Destiny, Harmony.
And Good Lord, stay away from Charity and Chastity and Faith unless you are dead-set on having a girl on the stripper pole"

Those are rules that were conspicuously absent.
LIKE for "dusky hellspawn"
 

LiLJimmysHog

Professional negative prick
Dec 18, 2005
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#13
We don't have kids. But I named my basset hound Leonidas after Leonidas in 300.
 

DiggerNick

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#15
Black people have no idea that they are damning their child to a life in the ghetto by condemning them with a shitty, made-up name.

Or maybe they do, and they have named their child D'wantre'lle and Le'Darius on purpose.
 

Voodoo Ben

You gotta wash your ass
Dec 5, 2010
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#16
don't give your son a girls name.
 

tattered

Uber-Aryan
Wackbag Staff
Aug 22, 2002
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#18
I'll hire a guy named Leslie or Hilary before I'd hire anyone named Tyqueshia or La' Quanda.

That would make me racist but I would not give three-fifths of a fuck.
Its not racist. You never said you wouldnt hire black people. You only admitted to profiling. I dont think you are wrong either. Any jiggaboo I have ever met in the workplace with a fucked up name has been a walking ste?reotype of a hood rat male and female alike. Cocky, lazy, gibsmedat, oh no you ditint attitudes. If I got a job application that had Leshawn in the name i would and have just toss it right in the shredder. You know exactly what you are getting when you hire them. I let that happen twice before I said never again. When I was at the casinos the last black guy I hired was named Mark. He was a great worker
 

Chino Kapone

Yo, whats wrong wit da beer we got?
Jun 10, 2005
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#19
Freakanomics put it well.




 

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
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#21
An article about giving babies shitty names and it is all against modern White naming conventions and has two pictures of White babies.
This is a gutless article because it didn't mention the horrible names "Black and Proud" people have been foisting on their dusky hellspawn.
Black names are fucking annoying. They do it to sound more African, which is hilarious because it shows that they know nothing about Africa. Some black cunt names her daughter Monikay'shinay, meanwhile there's an actual African country named Chad -- the most stereotypically white name on Earth.
 

MayrMeninoCrash

Liberal Psycopath
Dec 9, 2004
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#22
Martin and Maggie MeninoCrash.
Actually Brody, but close ;)

(Full name is Broderick, not really after anyone, we wanted to call him Brody, but have a more "adult" sounding name to fall back on in the future if he desires, so we found a "lengthened" version to use)

(Maggie is short for Margaret, which is also a family name)
 

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
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#23
Actually Brody, but close ;)
That was my first guess, actually.
(Full name is Broderick, not really after anyone, we wanted to call him Brody, but have a more "adult" sounding name to fall back on in the future if he desires, so we found a "lengthened" version to use)

(Maggie is short for Margaret, which is also a family name)
Speaking of your life, how is the move going? Have you escaped California yet?
 

MayrMeninoCrash

Liberal Psycopath
Dec 9, 2004
24,435
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Silverdale, WA
#24
Speaking of your life, how is the move going? Have you escaped California yet?
Yep, been in Washington officially a few weeks now. Drove up at the end of July. Movers dropped stuff off, still have quite a few boxes to unpack. Wife and kids seem to be enjoying it here, although they need to go make some friends and stop hanging around the house.

Planning on checking out Dragoncon at all this year? I will be in Atlanta from Aug 28-Sep 3
 

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
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#25
Planning on checking out Dragoncon at all this year? I will be in Atlanta from Aug 28-Sep 3
No, but I want to. I've been focusing on my job (which I've only had for around 2 or 3 months) almost solely and haven't thought about much else.