Movie Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen - March 2019 (R-Rated Reboot) (Dir: Neil Marshall, Starring David Harbour)

Haeder

South Dakota
Reviews are in, and I'm happy to report that @HandPanzer (god rest his soul) and I were completely wrong to ever doubt this film!


"It's two hours long but feels like an eternity, lurching incoherently from one noisy set-piece to another."

"Marshall and screenwriter Andrew Cosby went overboard with their R-rating, introducing so much gore and profanity that it, quite frankly, gets dull. The flat performances and incoherent story do not help matters."

"It's really a series of violent vignettes strung together, getting more and more outlandish and introducing characters at such a blistering pace that you just want it to stop already."

"Between the overblown poor CG, witless dialogue and pervasive, numbing violence, the new "Hellboy" deserves its own special circle in Dante's inferno.'

"Hellboy might not be 'Uwe Boll bad,' but it's pretty damn close. A complete embarrassment."

"A dizzying and overstuffed adaptation that left me utterly exhausted. David Harbour gives it his all and there's some very impressive practical effects work on display, but it's not worth the headache I walked out with. " (Practical effects @LiddyRules !!!)

"Somewhere out there right now Guillermo del Toro is crying to himself saying "sometimes dead is better"."

"One of the most incomprehensible theatrical experiences I've had in my lifetime."

"Hellboy is some very ill-advised cinema, and those who enjoy the prospect of cinematic trainwrecks are likely to get some joy out of this. Everyone else... well, you all know where to find the better version."

And my favorite review so far:
"In a word, Hellboy is unpleasant. Other appropriate adjectives to describe this reboot include dreadful, obnoxious, unnecessary, and interminable."
Do you like to watch bad movies?
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot in the Galaxy
Reviews are in, and I'm happy to report that @HandPanzer (god rest his soul) and I were completely wrong to ever doubt this film!


"It's two hours long but feels like an eternity, lurching incoherently from one noisy set-piece to another."

"Marshall and screenwriter Andrew Cosby went overboard with their R-rating, introducing so much gore and profanity that it, quite frankly, gets dull. The flat performances and incoherent story do not help matters."

"It's really a series of violent vignettes strung together, getting more and more outlandish and introducing characters at such a blistering pace that you just want it to stop already."

"Between the overblown poor CG, witless dialogue and pervasive, numbing violence, the new "Hellboy" deserves its own special circle in Dante's inferno.'

"Hellboy might not be 'Uwe Boll bad,' but it's pretty damn close. A complete embarrassment."

"A dizzying and overstuffed adaptation that left me utterly exhausted. David Harbour gives it his all and there's some very impressive practical effects work on display, but it's not worth the headache I walked out with. " (Practical effects @LiddyRules !!!)

"Somewhere out there right now Guillermo del Toro is crying to himself saying "sometimes dead is better"."

"One of the most incomprehensible theatrical experiences I've had in my lifetime."

"Hellboy is some very ill-advised cinema, and those who enjoy the prospect of cinematic trainwrecks are likely to get some joy out of this. Everyone else... well, you all know where to find the better version."

And my favorite review so far:
"In a word, Hellboy is unpleasant. Other appropriate adjectives to describe this reboot include dreadful, obnoxious, unnecessary, and interminable."
 
I was hoping Panzer was still alive. There's a loose storyline we've been holding off on for his return.
I read his post while tired and misinterpreted the rules... I mean, what he said.

I missed the part where he says "wrong to ever doubt this film". I thought he said they were wrong. As in, he had hope it was going to be good, which confused me.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot in the Galaxy
I read his post while tired and misinterpreted the rules... I mean, what he said.

I missed the part where he says "wrong to ever doubt this film". I thought he said they were wrong. As in, he had hope it was going to be good, which confused me.
I think we need @Steve McQueen to issue a ruling on the ruling.
 

Pigdango

Silence, you mortal Fuck!
Donator
I read his post while tired and misinterpreted the rules... I mean, what he said.

I missed the part where he says "wrong to ever doubt this film". I thought he said they were wrong. As in, he had hope it was going to be good, which confused me.
T’was but a joke. I’ve known this film would be shit since the very moment it was announced. Panzer hopped on board when the trailers dropped. A lot of people did, but he was the most direct about it. So the joke was, “we were wrong, it’s not shit - it’s TOTAL shit.”
 

Bobobie

Registered User
Poor David. His character was punching Nazi in this movie too so he must have really been hyped.
 

crippledalbino

The God of 42nd Street
Donator
From Slashfilm:
‘Hellboy’ Review: One of the Worst Comic Book Movies Ever Made

In a word, Hellboy is unpleasant. Other appropriate adjectives to describe this reboot include dreadful, obnoxious, unnecessary, and interminable. Considering the shadow cast by the two Hellboy films written and directed by Guillermo del Toro, it might be easy to presume that this new version simply pales in comparison. Though that’s true, let’s not belabor the point: this Hellboy is quite bad all on its own. There’s no need to compare this to del Toro’s films, because to do so would just inspire pain.



The opening shot of Hellboy, at least, serves as a necessary warning. It’s a visual version of someone ominously saying to you, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”. In that first shot, a crow callously and roughly rips an eye out of a corpse, and then we’re off to the races. This time around, Hellboy (David Harbour), the demon raised in the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense by his adoptive father Trevor (Ian McShane), is tasked with fending off the fearsome advances of Nimue (Milla Jovovich), the Blood Queen, lest she cause a pestilential apocalypse. To do so, Hellboy has to team up with a young seer (Sasha Lane) and a gruff soldier (Daniel Dae Kim), while suppressing his innate demonic tendencies to subjugate humanity.

The setup in Andrew Cosby’s script, and some of the ideas hinted at throughout, is not the problem. The execution of that setup, and the exploration of those ideas, is where things start to go wrong. Having Hellboy crack wise constantly is all well and good; better to have a sense of humor than go dark. But it’s hard to remember a film that is so consistently, aggressively unfunny as this Hellboy. (The film’s painfully bad jokes are all the more jaw-dropping because many of them clearly were done in the post-production process of ADR, and these are the best jokes they could come up with.)

Neil Marshall, known as much for his indie horror film The Descent as for directing two action-packed episodes of HBO’s Game of Thrones, exerts no control and offers no coherency in the various setpieces here. There’s no sense of timing in the humor, or in the action throughout. One early setpiece pits Hellboy against a trio of man-eating giants, which Marshall uses as an opportunity to show off with a supposed long take that just looks like a lame video-game cutscene. That, in effect, is the level to which this Hellboy rises in terms of its action credentials – video-game-style action that doesn’t look as good as the real thing.

Harbour has recently had something of a breakout role on the Netflix drama Stranger Things, but his talents are suppressed either by the extensive makeup job to transform him into Hellboy, or by the script itself. And while Hellboy still grapples with his identity in a world full of humans who seem to despise him, it manifests in Harbour’s performance and in the script as a lot of toneless, sulkly griping and yelling. That this script features Hellboy’s surrogate father snapping at him to “grow a pair” is bad enough. That we are tempted to agree with this obnoxious, faux-masculine bromide is worse.

McShane, it should be noted, is the sole survivor of the proceedings. He’s not saddled with any great amount of dialogue, and his version of the father figure Hellboy latches onto is vastly different from the one John Hurt played in del Toro’s version. But even when he has to serve as an exposition machine (which is every scene he has), McShane lays on the gravelly charm well enough that you wish the whole film was about him. Everyone else flounders about, as lost as the script itself is.

Much of Hellboy is divorced from a greater context that could possibly explain why any of what’s happening on screen matters. Dae Kim’s character seems straightforward enough in how he butts heads with Hellboy, before he reveals his own inexplicable superpower. The same goes with the young seer, whose gift manifests as a CGI effect so profoundly gross that it’s reminiscent of the creature effects in John Carpenter’s The Thing. And, just like the movie itself, let’s not even attempt to explain the Thomas Haden Church character who is an all-American Nazi hunter with an electrified brand that looks like a lobster claw.

At one point, Hellboy is seen listening to the Alice Cooper song “Welcome to My Nightmare”, whose opening lyrics (heard on the soundtrack) are “Welcome to my nightmare. I think you’re gonna like it.” Hellboy gets the first part of that correct. (The way this movie communicates its desire to be edgy and cool is by doing a lot of needle drops on the soundtrack with gnarly guitar riffs. It’s the only time the movie inspires laughter, derisively so.) Rebooting the character more than a decade after Guillermo del Toro’s series came to an end is fine. Del Toro’s Hellboy films are charming and feature tactile-seeming creatures, but they weren’t perfect. That’s still a vast improvement over this new film, which feels like a mistake from the start and gets worse from there.

/Film Rating: 1 out of 10
 

BIV

I'm Biv Dick Black, the Over Poster.
"Rise of the Blood Queen" sounds like a Spinal Tap song.
 
There are no feminist issues clouding his vision, so @DR. Jimcy M.E.'s ruling is just.


Once Jimcy cleansed his mind of feminism he was able to achieve great things.

Where there is no patriarchy, there is equality.

Where there is no Drumpf, there is Yas Queen.

Where there is Lena Dunham, there is ham.

"Rise of the Blood Queen" sounds like a Spinal Tap song.
Sounds like a tampon ad.
 

Falldog

Wackbag's Best Conservative
Donator
I don't know what the fuck is going on but let's go back to talking about how bad Hellboy is.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot in the Galaxy
I don't know what the fuck is going on but let's go back to talking about how bad Hellboy is.
You've been here long enough to know that everything becomes a victory over wokeism somehow.
 
Top