HitW: Life Itself - Ammy Prime - 2019-01-31

Creasy Bear

gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
Donator
I felled asleeps.

I, in no way, apologize for my absence.

I saw enough to know that the movie was an unrealistic, indecipherable, cliche-riddled poop nugget with an insufferable Bob Dylan soundtrack.

A pox upon all involved with that dreck puddle.
 

LiddyRules

The 9/11 Moon Landings Were An Outside Job
The sign of a terrible movie is when I have to go to wikipedia to actually find out what it was about.
The sign of a truly great HitW is when you wake up thinking about the movie the next day.
The sign of an absolutely horrific one is when it actually gives you nightmares.

This movie... Christ.

Ok, let me break it down.

First off, fuck you @Creasy Bear for bailing on us. At least you stayed longer than @Neon and @HandPanzer , so there's that.

Perhaps I should have looked at the movie poster for the first hint that something was amiss:


Because in the first 40 minutes of the movie, Banderas and Art3mis are nowhere to be found. So I guess I should have been more prepared when Wilde and Isaac were both dead before I could even figure out if we were watching the right fucking movie.

Yeah, that's right - both people on the top of the poster - the two A listers who brought audiences in to see a romantic comedy - are killed horrifically. Wilde by a bus and Isaac blows his brains out. As if watching Olivia Wilde get hit by a bus wasn't enough, they had the bus hit Annette Bening as well in an F-bomb filled dream sequence narrated by Samuel L Jackson.

Now look again at that fucking poster - does it feel like we're going to have two people getting hit by buses, a suicide, and 25 F bombs? And by the way, if you go to watch this on Prime you don't even get Banderas or Art3mis - it's just a shot of Wilde and Isaac happily hugging. I'm shocked there wasn't more outrage when this movie came out. There's no way people could have expected what was coming in the first act.

I'm not even going to get into Wilde getting molested as a teen, shooting her uncle with a gun she "borrowed from her gang-banger friends" and Isaac's mother saying she was thrilled that Wilde's parents were dead so that she could have the grandkids all to herself. I don't offend easily, but...Jesus Christ.

And then...impossibly - it got WORSE. After Wilde and Isaac croak we learn that Art3mis is their daughter, who survived the bus crash and has grown up with Isaac's dad. I guess Karma came and killed off Grandma at some point. She's named Dylan because Wilde Writer/Director Dan Fogelman is a huge Bob Dylan fan. I could rant about that, but Dylan did have a mini career revival in the late 90's, so...fine, whatever. But that career revival has long since passed.

Anyway, Dylan is a rebellious 21 year old who talks like a 42 year old Jewish Man. She is sad because her parents died when she was an infant.

The bus accident is shown again in case you wanted to see Olivia Wilde get flattened again, and we are shown a 6 year old Mexican kid who witnessed the accident. Suddenly the movie is all about him - but not quite yet. First we meet Antonio Banderas, who gives a 10 minute long monologue - in Spanish - about...nothing, really. His father was Italian but owned some land in Mexico, but he didn't allow Spanish to be spoken in the home, and then he died and now Banderas can speak Spanish. (I had to get that from the wikipedia page.)

Banderas has an employee named Javier, who he tells all this nonsense to for some reason. Javier meets a girl, they get married and have a son. Banderas starts creeping on Javier's wife and son, Rodrigo. Javier decides to take his family to NYC because Banderas gave Rodrigo a globe. Turns out it was Rodrigo's fault the bus driver hit Wilde, because he distracted the bus driver. After causing the accident that killed an innocent woman, Rodrigo is understandably upset, and has some bad dreams when he gets home to Mexico. Javier says "Fuck this" and gives his wife and son to Banderas.

Next we see that Rodrigo has grown up and is living in New York. Sure - lots of people with PTSD go back and live in the place that caused their PTSD. He's dating a delightful woman named Shari. We've seen Isaac objectify Wilde. We've seen Art3mis be an ungrateful cunt to her grandfather. We've seen a man literally give his wife to another man, but this is where we see how much Fogelman really despises women. Shari is a spoiled, rich, vapid, vegan airhead who plays a trick on Rodrigo by telling him she's pregnant. He dumps her, then goes home and finds out his mother has died. He decides to go for a jog rather than heading home for his mother's funeral, and comes across Dylan. And they live happily ever after.

We know this because it's revealed that Dylan and Rodrigo's daughter has been narrating the entire story. So she obviously knows all of it - including that Rodrigo is responsible for Dylan's mother's death!

WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE?!?!


This is the poster I remember.
 

LiddyRules

The 9/11 Moon Landings Were An Outside Job
I felled asleeps.

I, in no way, apologize for my absence.

I saw enough to know that the movie was an unrealistic, indecipherable, cliche-riddled poop nugget with an insufferable Bob Dylan soundtrack.

A pox upon all involved with that dreck puddle.
I don't hate Bob Dylan. But I hate anyone who's like "critics of so and so's 15th album complained about this song's placement but technically what it did was..."

"Real" music fans are the worst.

This movie makes me feel like every thought - every thought - I ever had is hackneyed and childish. I'm glad it gave @Pigdango nightmares.

I can't think of a movie I hated more. And I can't think of a movie more irredeemable.
 

LiddyRules

The 9/11 Moon Landings Were An Outside Job
@Creasy Bear

Watch the final 15 minutes - which will probably be less than ten minutes including credits - and let us know your thoughts. We haven't scienced in awhile.
 

LiddyRules

The 9/11 Moon Landings Were An Outside Job
The sign of a terrible movie is when I have to go to wikipedia to actually find out what it was about.
The sign of a truly great HitW is when you wake up thinking about the movie the next day.
The sign of an absolutely horrific one is when it actually gives you nightmares.

This movie... Christ.

Ok, let me break it down.

First off, fuck you @Creasy Bear for bailing on us. At least you stayed longer than @Neon and @HandPanzer , so there's that.

Perhaps I should have looked at the movie poster for the first hint that something was amiss:


Because in the first 40 minutes of the movie, Banderas and Art3mis are nowhere to be found. So I guess I should have been more prepared when Wilde and Isaac were both dead before I could even figure out if we were watching the right fucking movie.

Yeah, that's right - both people on the top of the poster - the two A listers who brought audiences in to see a romantic comedy - are killed horrifically. Wilde by a bus and Isaac blows his brains out. As if watching Olivia Wilde get hit by a bus wasn't enough, they had the bus hit Annette Bening as well in an F-bomb filled dream sequence narrated by Samuel L Jackson.

Now look again at that fucking poster - does it feel like we're going to have two people getting hit by buses, a suicide, and 25 F bombs? And by the way, if you go to watch this on Prime you don't even get Banderas or Art3mis - it's just a shot of Wilde and Isaac happily hugging. I'm shocked there wasn't more outrage when this movie came out. There's no way people could have expected what was coming in the first act.

I'm not even going to get into Wilde getting molested as a teen, shooting her uncle with a gun she "borrowed from her gang-banger friends" and Isaac's mother saying she was thrilled that Wilde's parents were dead so that she could have the grandkids all to herself. I don't offend easily, but...Jesus Christ.

And then...impossibly - it got WORSE. After Wilde and Isaac croak we learn that Art3mis is their daughter, who survived the bus crash and has grown up with Isaac's dad. I guess Karma came and killed off Grandma at some point. She's named Dylan because Wilde Writer/Director Dan Fogelman is a huge Bob Dylan fan. I could rant about that, but Dylan did have a mini career revival in the late 90's, so...fine, whatever. But that career revival has long since passed.

Anyway, Dylan is a rebellious 21 year old who talks like a 42 year old Jewish Man. She is sad because her parents died when she was an infant.

The bus accident is shown again in case you wanted to see Olivia Wilde get flattened again, and we are shown a 6 year old Mexican kid who witnessed the accident. Suddenly the movie is all about him - but not quite yet. First we meet Antonio Banderas, who gives a 10 minute long monologue - in Spanish - about...nothing, really. His father was Italian but owned some land in Mexico, but he didn't allow Spanish to be spoken in the home, and then he died and now Banderas can speak Spanish. (I had to get that from the wikipedia page.)

Banderas has an employee named Javier, who he tells all this nonsense to for some reason. Javier meets a girl, they get married and have a son. Banderas starts creeping on Javier's wife and son, Rodrigo. Javier decides to take his family to NYC because Banderas gave Rodrigo a globe. Turns out it was Rodrigo's fault the bus driver hit Wilde, because he distracted the bus driver. After causing the accident that killed an innocent woman, Rodrigo is understandably upset, and has some bad dreams when he gets home to Mexico. Javier says "Fuck this" and gives his wife and son to Banderas.

Next we see that Rodrigo has grown up and is living in New York. Sure - lots of people with PTSD go back and live in the place that caused their PTSD. He's dating a delightful woman named Shari. We've seen Isaac objectify Wilde. We've seen Art3mis be an ungrateful cunt to her grandfather. We've seen a man literally give his wife to another man, but this is where we see how much Fogelman really despises women. Shari is a spoiled, rich, vapid, vegan airhead who plays a trick on Rodrigo by telling him she's pregnant. He dumps her, then goes home and finds out his mother has died. He decides to go for a jog rather than heading home for his mother's funeral, and comes across Dylan. And they live happily ever after.

We know this because it's revealed that Dylan and Rodrigo's daughter has been narrating the entire story. So she obviously knows all of it - including that Rodrigo is responsible for Dylan's mother's death!

WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE?!?!
What was the deal with unreliable narrator? Was Dylan's daughter a liar?

Like her family was boring. Her husband's family was boring. So she made up a fake family history to sell her memoir.
 

SOS

Is alive.
Wackbag Staff
Anyone want to do the Fifty Shades Trilogy?

Or Get Out, Creed, Unforgettable?
 
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