Inmate's suit claims O.J. Simpson is "hitman" for Steve Jobs

Grem

Enjoying life one T-Cell at a time.
Oct 4, 2006
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A South Carolina inmate notorious for filing frivolous and fanciful lawsuits against public figures has used his latest complaint to accuse Apple chief executive Steve Jobs of employing O.J. Simpson as a "hitman" for the past two decades, in addition a litany of other outlandish offenses.


Filed September 21 in the United States District Court Middle District of Florida, the 3-page handwritten complaint alleges that Simpson has been Jobs’s "hitman" since the "1985 MOVE house bombing in Philadelphia, which Jobs started with borrowed pyrotechnics from Great White."

The plaintiff is none other than 30 year old Jonathan Lee Riches, who in 2004 earned himself an 8-year sentence in a South Carolina corrections facility for his involvement in an identity theft ring. Over the past 18 months he has filed dozens of similar lawsuits accusing celebrities and organizations of wildly improbable offenses, presumably to help pass his time behind bars.

Riches' latest rambling, which has since been dismissed, goes on to allege that "O.J. has been providing Jobs with food blenders since the midwest flood of 1993" and that O.J. also "paid Jobs to clone Dolly the sheep on April 20, 1998."

As for his other roles in the legal escapade, Jobs is charged with aiming nuclear missiles at Riches' brain and Lance Armstrong's bicycle, as well as price gouging iPhone customers. "On May 10th, 2007, I bought an Apple iPhone for $922.01 at the FCI Williamsburg commissary," Riches wrote. "Now Jobs sells that same iPod for $199."

The remainder of the complaint continues in the same outlandish vein, with Princess Diana, the United Auto Workers, and Cinderella's Castle each making appearances, among others.

"A cursory review of the complaint is sufficient to establish that it is nothing more than fanciful nonsense," US District Judge Gregory Presnell wrote in his order for dismissal. "The whole thing reads like a cross between Billy Joel’s 'We Didn’t Start the Fire' and a Dr. Bronner’s soap label, if Dr. Bronner had been a first-year law student with untreated paranoid schizophrenia."

Judge Presnell went on to say that this was not Riches's first appearance before him, and pointed out that Riches even has his own Wikipedia entry chronicling some of the dozens of similar suits he has filed in federal courts across the country.

"Several weeks ago, he filed suit against Elvis Presley and Neverland Ranch for, inter alia, 'WAR CRIMES Rock N Rollin My Brain'," the Judge wrote.

While it's unclear whether Riches' cockamamy pleadings are products of actual mental illness or simply a hobby akin to short story writing, all complaints filed with the US court system have to be processed, filed and dismissed.

"Whatever their origin, and though they are amusing to the average reader, they do nothing more than clog the machinery of justice, interfering with the court’s ability to address the needs of the genuinely aggrieved," the Judge wrote. "It is time for them to stop."

Rather than impose sanctions on Riches, the Court will simply require that he pay the filing fee with any future complaints, which he has failed to do in the past. Should those requirement fail to dissuade him from further meritless filings, the Court plans to impose stiffer requirements or sanctions until he "finds another way to occupy his time."
I guess when your in jail you need to entertain yourself somehow.

Here is the actual complaint he sent:

http://www.appleinsider.com/article..._simpson_is_hitman_for_steve_jobs.html&page=2
 
Nov 29, 2006
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I've always wondered where Steve Jobs got all his food blenders.
 

LiddyRules

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Jun 1, 2005
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Was this the same guy who said that Michael Vick stole his dogs and identity?
 

mendozathejew

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Mar 12, 2005
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"Several weeks ago, he filed suit against Elvis Presley and Neverland Ranch for, inter alia, 'WAR CRIMES Rock N Rollin My Brain'," the Judge wrote.

this guy should be given a reality show
 

mendozathejew

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Mar 12, 2005
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On July 16, 2007 Mr. Riches filed a lawsuit against the Mossad, Central Intelligence Agency, and Larry King Live claiming the "defendants are in a vast conspiracy to hijack my torso, three toes, and my constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, NH." Mr. Riches also alleges that the "Mossad told me personally on April 20th, 2007 that they are going to hang me on a cross next to Jesus Christ.", that "Larry King Live is a voodoo witch doctor who stole my identity on February 25th, 2003 and purchased lead paint, Chips Ahoy!, Planter's Peanuts, and Ziploc bags under my identity. Distributed them to the CIA to microwave test my DNA.", and that "The CIA on January 4th, 2006 plead allegiance to Al-Qaeda.." [12] The court refused to docket the case because the court did not receive a filing fee from Riches.[13]
 
Nov 29, 2006
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On July 16, 2007 Mr. Riches filed a lawsuit against the Mossad, Central Intelligence Agency, and Larry King Live claiming the "defendants are in a vast conspiracy to hijack my torso, three toes, and my constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, NH." Mr. Riches also alleges that the "Mossad told me personally on April 20th, 2007 that they are going to hang me on a cross next to Jesus Christ.", that "Larry King Live is a voodoo witch doctor who stole my identity on February 25th, 2003 and purchased lead paint, Chips Ahoy!, Planter's Peanuts, and Ziploc bags under my identity. Distributed them to the CIA to microwave test my DNA.", and that "The CIA on January 4th, 2006 plead allegiance to Al-Qaeda.." [12] The court refused to docket the case because the court did not receive a filing fee from Riches.[13]
This nearly made me piss myself.

This guy is hilarious, if nothing else.
 

mendozathejew

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Mar 12, 2005
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This nearly made me piss myself.

This guy is hilarious, if nothing else.
he really is. this one is a gem too

On August 16, 2007 Mr. Riches filed a lawsuit against LeBron James et al. The "et al" list names Michael Vick, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, Tony Montana, Mickey Mantle and Allen Iverson as defendants.This lawsuit claims that "Joe Montana is in business with gangster Tony Montana." and that "Defendants failed to build a anti-UFO defense system at FCI Williamsburg." The lawsuit continues to allege that "I dunked over Mr. (Michael) Jordan in high-school." and that "Defendants broke into Watergate in the 1970's." In this lawsuit Mr. Riches erroneously refers to wildfires as "wire fires" and misspelled the words tried and licenses. The plaintiff even claimed that the defendants picked on him in high-school and "fought in the Battle of Hastings 1066 with the Duke of Normandy." In the lawsuit the plaintiff seeks $83 billion collectively from defendants to be donated to Greensburg Kansas tornado victims, Kent State massacre victims, Richard Jewel, 2600.com (which Mr. Riches had previously sued), coal miners and the Skid Row section of Los Angeles. [26]
 
Nov 29, 2006
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He doesn't seem crazy, he just seems to be genuinely funny. These things come off as insane at first glance, but deep down it's just some very funny writing. Maybe he has a good sense of humor and way too much time on his hands.
 

mendozathejew

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Mar 12, 2005
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#12
He doesn't seem crazy, he just seems to be genuinely funny. These things come off as insane at first glance, but deep down it's just some very funny writing. Maybe he has a good sense of humor and way too much time on his hands.
I agree. what a great way to spend your time in a prison cell. He calls himself the "white suge knight"

* On August 14, 2007 Mr. Riches (AKA The White Suge Knight) filed a lawsuit against "Barry Bonds, Allan H "Bud" Selig, and Hank Aaron's Bat" seeking "42,000,000.00 million dollars in Swiss Francs." Among the counts against the defendants are claims that Bonds used Hank Aaron's Bat to crack the Liberty Bell, Bonds sold steroids to nuns, and that "Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein. Part of the Oil for Food Scandal." [25]


how do we get him to call o and a? he must have phone access
 

HummerTuesdays

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Apr 24, 2005
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I love it. He's absolutely hysterical. My only issue is the court time he's taking up by filing the suits. Otherwise, more power to him. I hope he keeps up the stories.
 

mendozathejew

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Mar 12, 2005
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hes in jail for money laundering and computer/internet fraud. the guy is hilairous even if hes nuts. but if hes just sitting there in the prison lunch room, making people laugh as he writes this shit up, hes a genius