Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by Cunt Smasher, Feb 18, 2013.
This could go nowhere, but I'll start with this one...
I drank what? - Socrates.
My personal favorite -
It's better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightening in the hand - Apache Proverb
"Since the dawn of history the Negro has owned the continent of Africa - rich beyond the dream of poet’s fancy, crunching acres of diamonds beneath his bare black feet and yet he never picked one up from the dust until a white man showed to him its glittering light.
His land swarmed with powerful and docile animals, yet he never dreamed a harness, cart, or sled.
A hunter by necessity, he never made an axe, spear, or arrowhead worth preserving beyond the moment of its use. He lived as an ox, content to graze for an hour.
In a land of stone and timber he never sawed a foot of lumber, carved a block, or built a house save of broken sticks and mud.
With league on league of ocean strand and miles of inland seas, for four thousand years he watched their surface ripple under the wind, heard the thunder of the surf on his beach, the howl of the storm over his head, gazed on the dim blue horizon calling him to worlds that lie beyond, and yet he never dreamed a sail.”
— Charles Darwin
"Everybody has asked the question, and they learned to ask it early of the abolitionists, "What shall we do with the Negro?" I have had but one answer from the beginning. Do nothing with us! Your doing with us has already played the mischief with us. Do nothing with us! If the apples will not remain on the tree of their own strength, if they are wormeaten at the core, if they are early ripe and disposed to fall, let them fall! I am not for tying or fastening them on the tree in any way, except by nature’s plan, and if they will not stay there, let them fall. And if the Negro cannot stand on his own legs, let him fall also. All I ask is, give him a chance to stand on his own legs!"
- Frederick Douglass
What the Black Man Wants
Oh, I see how this thread is going.
"I'll tell you what the coloreds want. It's three things: first, a tight pussy; second, loose shoes; and third, a warm place to shit." Earl Butts US Secretary of Agriculture 1976
"Niggers. If they can't eat it, drink it, smoke it, or fuck it, they'll wear it on their heads."
-Grandpa Puncher circa 1987
I hate niggers.
Lt. John McClane, 1995
"Man, has this show sucked without ECW or what?"
- Paul Heyman
WWF Raw, 1997
Women think they're so clever because they can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship, but men can fake a whole relationship for the sake of an orgasm
"These Negroes, they're getting pretty uppity these days and that's a problem for us since they've got something now they never had before, the political pull to back up their uppityness. Now we've got to do something about this, we've got to give them a little something, just enough to quiet them down, not enough to make a difference. For if we don't move at all, then their allies will line up against us and there'll be no way of stopping them, we'll lose the filibuster and there'll be no way of putting a brake on all sorts of wild legislation. It'll be Reconstruction all over again."
Just kidding, it was Lyndon Johnson
There are three sides to every story. Mine, yours and the truth. ~ Joe Massino
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Why do I have the feeling that this is framed and on the wall in your loft sir?
"I'm not surprised by the turn this thread took, but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed."
another dead hero.
Milk, Milk, Lemonade. Round the corner, chocolate's made.-first grader.
"That's why cocaine is illegal. It makes pussy too easy to get."
- Doug Stanhope
"I don't like cocaine, just the smell of it"
Some comic I can't remember.
I took these from one of them emails that get passed around, but it's great.
"HE HAS ALL OF THE VIRTUES I DISLIKE AND NONE OF THE VICES I ADMIRE."
"I HAVE NEVER KILLED A MAN, BUT I HAVE READ MANY OBITUARIES WITH GREAT
PLEASURE. -Clarence Darrow
"HE HAD DELUSIONS OF ADEQUACY." -Walter Kerr
A Member of Parliament to Benjamin Disraeli: "SIR, YOU WILL EITHER DIE
ON THE GALLOWS OR, OF SOME UNSPEAKABLE DISEASE." "THAT DEPENDS, SIR,"
said Disraeli, "WHETHER I EMBRACE YOUR POLICIES OR YOUR MISTRESS."
"THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME A COPY OF YOUR BOOK; I'LL WASTE NO TIME IN
READING IT." -MOSES Hadas
"I FEEL SO MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU: IT'S ALMOST LIKE HAVING YOU HERE."
"I AM ENCLOSING TWO TICKETS TO THE FIRST NIGHT OF MY NEW PLAY; BRING A
FRIEND IF YOU HAVE ONE." (George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill).
"CANNOT POSSIBLY ATTEND FIRST NIGHT, WILL ATTEND SECOND...IF THERE IS
ONE." (Churchill's riposte).
"I JUST LEARNED OF HIS ILLNESS...LET'S HOPE IT'S NOTHING TRIVIAL."
"HE HAS NO ENEMIES, BUT IS INTENTLY DISLIKED BY HIS FRIENDS." -Oscar
"HE LOVES NATURE IN SPITE OF WHAT IT DID TO HIM." -Forest Tucker
"WHY DO YOU JUST SIT THERE LOOKING LIKE AN ENVELOPE WITHOUT AN ADDRESS?"
"HE HAS VAN GOGH'S EAR FOR MUSIC." -Billy Wilder
"SHE IS SIMPLY A SHIVER LOOKING FOR A SPINE TO RUN UP." -Paul Keating
"I'VE HAD A PERFECTLY WONDERFUL EVENING...UNFORTUNATELY THIS WASN'T IT."
Has there ever been a politician more quotable than Churchill?
I read these as a child and never forgot. Now I find them on line.
The Churchill Wit
The celebrated American author Christopher Morley has written, “It’s all very easy to become a legend. The difficult thing is not to lose your humanity in doing it.” He goes on to conclude that “there are far too many legends as far too few men.” Statesman, politician, soldier, orator, sportsman, writer, and amateur artist, in a lifetime that spanned ninety years, Winston Spencer Churchill wore many hats besides the traditional black homburg in which he was so photographed, and yet the legend never overshadowed the man. Perhaps that is because, whether the fate of nations hung on his words or merely the fate of a dinner party, Sir Winston never lost the precious gift of humor. Just as the history books will record his deeds, we of the National Lampoon would like to recall the wit that tempered those deeds. For is not part of greatness the ability of a man to laugh, not only at himself, but, more importantly, at others?
* * *
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: “Bring a friend, if you have one,” Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: “You and your play can go fuck yourselves.”
* * *
At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, “If you were my husband, Winston, I’d poison your coffee.”
“And if you were my wife, I’d beat the shit out of you,” came Churchill’s unhesitating retort.
* * *
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
“They’re assholes, sir,” he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a whimsical smile, “They’re assholes.”
* * *
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, said, “Winston, you’re drunk.” Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, “Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt.”
* * *
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, Prime Minster Churchill went on the air to address the British People. “I read in this morning’s paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England’s neck like that of a chicken,” he began, “and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow as approached by a well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent his misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, ‘Eat it raw, fuzz-nuts.’”
* * *
Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, “Mr. Churchill, I care for neither your politics nor your moustache.”
Unabashed, the young statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, “Suck my dick.”
* * *
Sir Winston carried on a life-long feud with Labour party leader Aneurin Bevin and, on one occasion, while Mr. Bevin was delivering an unusually long speech to the House of Commons, Churchill slumped into his seat and appeared to doze off. When Bevan noticed this, he inquired in his loudest voice, “Must the right honorable gentleman fall asleep during my speech?” Receiving no reply, Mr. Bevan continued until, a few minutes later, the sound of snoring was distinctly audible to all present. This time Mr. Bevin slammed his hand on the rail and shouted, “Until now, the Conservative party had usually managed to conceal the fact that it was asleep.” Without even opening his eyes, Churchill quipped, “Flake off, touch-hole” and unconcernedly resumed his nap.
* * *
Churchill was given to reading to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at the White House, he became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the president was wheeled into Churchill’s quarters only to be informed that the prime minister had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, “What are you staring at, homo?”
“I run blindly through the madhouse ... And I cannot even pray ... For I have no God.”
― Grant Morrison, Batman: Arkham Asylum
So why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?
"Fuck off, limey bastard."
- George Washington