Kids say the darndest things thread......

Dopie Opie

Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
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#1
Everyone has a quote or two. I will start with two dusies from the last week.

I am laying in bed with my 2 year old daughter when a stench overcomes me. I asked her if she pooped and said "No daddy I farted". After a few minutes the smell did not go away, so I asked her again and she said "No daddy I just farted".......Well about 2-3 minutes later he burped and says to me

"Daddy I just farted in my mouth"

My two sons are walking in my gym to go to the bathroom with one of the sitters and the 4 year old says to me

"dad I just cracked Joey's nuts" everyone busts out laughing that was around.

Joey turns and says.."no idiot, you cracked my KNUCKLES"....

Life is good
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
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#3
i hate kids
 

WhiteHonkyDevil

El hombre de los moleculos!
Dec 8, 2004
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Detroit, MI
#4
I'm sure I could recall some real gems, except that every time my sister's spoiled kid opens her mouth, I want to shut her up with a hammer.

I hate children. They're not cute, they're not funny, they're irritating.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
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#5
dont forget sticky
 

Mindbullet

Ridin'High Livin'Free
Apr 21, 2005
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#6
On time in Stop and Shop, my daughter asked a black woman if she was a chocolate lady.She replied " I sure am sugar" I could have died...
 

Dopie Opie

Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
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#7
When I was a kid, me, my little cousin and my uncle were in A & S in downtown Brooklyn, very black area, in case you did not know.

So my cousin who was about 3-4 at the time had to use the bathroom. My uncle instructed her to ask the security gaurd where the restroom was. He was a fine black gentleman and my cousin asked. HE said it was on the third floor.

My cousin then shouted to my uncle.

"Daddy, that ****** said the bathroom is on the third floor. "

We promptly left
 

Nothing Sound

Riding the Biggest Wave
Dec 9, 2004
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Next to aleash
#8
I've noticed that it's only funny when it's your own kids.

No one else really gives a shit.
 

Dopie Opie

Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
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#9
I've noticed that it's only funny when it's your own kids.

No one else really gives a shit.
You know what, thats fine. So here is a thread for a bunch of asshole parents to be unfunny, or laugh at their own messes.
 

Nothing Sound

Riding the Biggest Wave
Dec 9, 2004
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Next to aleash
#10
I've noticed that it's only funny when it's your own kids.

No one else really gives a shit.
You know what, thats fine. So here is a thread for a bunch of asshole parents to be unfunny, or laugh at their own messes.
That comment wasn't directed at YOU, it was just a general
statement that I've found to be true over the years.

It reminds me of the guy who bring pictures of his kids to work all the time forcing everyone
to look at them and pointing out how cute this one or that one is. He doesn't realize that it's
only cute to HIM. No one else fucking cares, yet he truly believes that they do.
 

Dopie Opie

Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
3,573
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#11
I do realize that it was not directed at me and yes you make a very vaild point. With that being said it is an avenue for people.
 

Davel23

Registered User
Feb 26, 2005
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#12
One Christmas my girlfriend's cousin and her kids were over. Since I'm the guy with all the cool computers and videogames it was down to me to keep the kids entertained. The 10-year-old plops down in front of my PS2 and starts up GTA: San Andreas. The kids' mom doesn't seem to be the type to care about mature videogames, so I don't give it much thought and go back to what I was doing. A few minutes later he pipes up with "Hey, what's this?" I look at the screen. He's found the big, purple double-dong dildo in the police station. Before I can come up with a suitable lie he asks, "is it a balloon?" Why yes. Yes it was. The best part of the story is I find him a couple of hours later with his 9-year-old brother showing him the game and telling him "don't hit people with the balloon, they get mad".
 

MetalSign

O&A Curmudgeon
Dec 22, 2002
2,353
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Orlando, FL
#15
Kids sure do say the darndest things. After all, the funniest ones I can think of are as follows:

Yates' kids: Glub, glub glub....

Susan Smith's kids: Mommy, why's we goin' backwardss? (followed by a) Glub, glub, glub....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Seriously though. I hate children. I love the fact that the majority of this board either doesn't like kids, or will put up with our sick, sad (albeit funny) sense of humor with child death/deformity. Much respect to any parents that discipline their children. I know most of you 'baggers do.
 

CaraC

A real giirrrrllllllllllllllllll
Jun 1, 2005
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MA
#18
my bf's daughter calls him today to say that her earring (she just got her ears pierced a few weeks ago) had come out and she couldnt get it back in.... so he tells her to have her mother put it back in, but she wouldnt let her.... crying, she says "I WANT CARA TO DO IT"... so her mother drives here to have me do it, I did it, she finally realizes its all done and yells "DOES IT HURT?!?!?" ... well how the hell do i know, you tell me...

not funny, but cute... not that cute either... i just liked it and told it...

carry on
 
Mar 2, 2005
6,781
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578
chicago
#19
" then he......then he put his finger in there ......and ......and.....it hurt and i cried ....and he.....he gave me a candy bar and told me not to tell anyone"
 

Mags

LDAR king
Donator
Oct 22, 2004
34,889
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Ill Repute
#20
May all your kids come home with unclipped Arab boyfriends.
 

Dopie Opie

Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
3,573
1
0
#21
my bf's daughter calls him today to say that her earring (she just got her ears pierced a few weeks ago) had come out and she couldnt get it back in.... so he tells her to have her mother put it back in, but she wouldnt let her.... crying, she says "I WANT CARA TO DO IT"... so her mother drives here to have me do it, I did it, she finally realizes its all done and yells "DOES IT HURT?!?!?" ... well how the hell do i know, you tell me...

not funny, but cute... not that cute either... i just liked it and told it...

carry on
Thats what kids are all about
 

ShooterMcGavin

Go back to your shanties.
May 25, 2005
18,028
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#22
One thing my cousin likes to do (he's 3) is mimic playing instruments. He does them all badly, and when I tell him to "play the flute" he does a motion similar to smoking a joint.

I also taught him the word, "retarded." Occasionally he will randomly blurt out, "I'm retarded."
 

bill333

Go Screw!
Mar 23, 2005
8,869
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#23
Occasionally he will randomly blurt out, "I'm retarded."
so, a future wackbagger then.



When I was younger, I was with my parents at their friends house and their young son said, "what's that?" in front of all the adults and pointed to a hot young neighbor's nipple that was protruding nicely through her dress. Needless to say she turned :icon_redf.

Speaking of lovely children. Don't ya just love it when they walk up and punch you in the nuts?
 

SatansCheerledr

Ideologically Unsound
Apr 6, 2005
15,102
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I Will Pay Snakes To Bite You
#24
My favorite thing kids say is, Ow,Ow,Ow, OOOOH, OooooWWW, Pleaze Mr. Take It Out!, TakeItOutTakeItOutTakeItOutTakeItOut!!!

I always get a kick out of that one. So cute.