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My brother...

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by Creasy Bear, May 9, 2012.

  1. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    - Farts in a beer mug and traps it with his hand... then he walks up to the hottest chick in the bar, shoves the mug under her nose, and says, "Does this beer smell skunked to you?"

    - Takes ChapStick out of his pocket and drops it on the sly... then he'll pretend to find it and say, "Score! Free ChapStick!" and then he'll pop off the cap and smear it on his lips.

    He did that second gimmick once when we were riding on a disgusting subway car in NYC... he pretended to find a ChapStick that was on the floor of the subway right next to a filthy homeless CHUD and he smeared it right on his lips... a girl who was with us started dry heaving.

    -He used to play basketball in a rec league and he'd get these horrifying and huge blood blisters on the soles of his feet. After the dead skin dried and hardened, he'd yank it off and he'd have this disgusting plank of dead blood blister skin as big, thick and stiff as a poker chip. He'd collect these things like they were pogs. His big, funny ha ha joke was to place said horrid items into potato chip bags on the sly. You can just imagine the hilarity that ensued when one of his friends, or girlfriends, would unknowingly reach into the bag and then find themselves munching on a blood blister skin chip.

    My brother... that kid ain't right.
     
  2. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Is this the same brother that popped his own eyeball?
     
  3. Bud

    Bud Bud

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    The first two are funny. The 3rd would require his death by decapitation.
     
  4. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    Nope... that's the other one.

    It guess it runs in the family.
     
  5. Off-White-Power

    Off-White-Power High maintenance, low tolerance

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    Lunchtime. Relaxing from work. Eating Salisbury steak. Reading this thread Never. Fucking. Again. Lol
     
  6. icculus1284

    icculus1284 Registered User

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    What's the "popped eyeball" story? Or where can I find it?
     
  7. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    Too lazy to find the post. Here's the Cliff notes...

    We're little runts... prolly I'm like 6 and my brother is 7. We got up early to watch some Saturday morning cartoons. My brother decides to make cereal. My parents are asleep, so he grabs a steak knife and tries to pry the cap off the top of the milk bottle... hilarity ensued.

    I remember him screaming like the proverbial peach pit shitting dog.

    I remember the clear ocular fluid running down his face.

    I remember running up the stairs like a scalded dog, flipping my wig and bodily dragging my 250 lb. bull of a father out of bed and onto the floor with a thud.

    I remember my dad scooping my brother up in a blanket and running out the back door... he kicked the door clean off the hinges in the process.

    I remember thinking to myself something along the lines of, "Nice knowin' that nigger. Won't be seein' him around here no more."

    Happy ending though... 40 years later and his eye works fine. It looks all fucked, and my big ongoing joke with my brother is, "Hey. Look at me when I'm talking to you." because he's got the one pupil that looks like it's stargazing at a point like 4 feet over your head when he's looking at you.

    Fucking thing is creepy... black, lifeless, like a doll's eye. He uses it to his advantage too... when he stares at you with the one bright blue eye and the other googley zombie eye it's unnerving. I've seen him intimidate people with "the stink eye of death" into doing his bidding.
     
  8. icculus1284

    icculus1284 Registered User

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    Yikes.

    Cringe inducing.
     
  9. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Holy shit, I got coffee coming out of my nose........never laughed so hard. Dammit that's funny.
     
  10. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Back in Ye Olde Days, you could still get real M80's down in Missouri. My oldest brother had turned 16 and one Saturday he decided to take his birthday money and run down there and brought back a gross of M80's. For you people that don't know an M80 is a quarter of a stick of dynamite with a waterproof fuse. They are illegal to buy now. Class C explosive. This was the summer of property damage and personal injury.

    Incident #1
    My brothers decide to fill an empty coffee can with water, drop a lit M80 into it and put an old metal salad bowl over the top. I was standing about 20 feet away, because my grandpa used to buy M80's and I knew the fuckers were dangerous. Mom and dad are gone, and my brothers had been tasked with putting a new glass door on our back porch. Timmy, being a complete moron decided to lay the new door down on the grass. Greg brought out an empty coffee can and they filled it with water. The idea was to light the M80, drop it into the can and place a metal salad bowl over the can, so the bowl would fly a 100 feet up in the air. This was Day 1. M80 1. Greg, who is barefoot, lights the M80, drops it in the can and slaps the salad bowl down and quickly runs. BOOM, the M80 detonates and I see mom's favorite salad bowl shooting for the heavens. That's when I heard Greg screaming like a banshee. The dumb fucker stepped right on the new glass door, shattering it and he cut his foot all the fuck up. Dad went and bought another door after they hung a story on him. Mom just kept wondering what happened to her salad bowl.

    Incident #2
    A couple weeks later, my brothers had grown bored with the usual M80 shananigans (dropping them into a pond, blowing up my toys etc.). Greg got the bright idea to see what an M80 could do to a mailbox. Obviously they weren't going to blow up dad's mailbox, but why not one of the neighbors down the street. Being a typical Saturday night, mom is running our family restaurant and dad is at work. So we all slink down the street around midnight. Me being the Nervous Ned of the group, I decided it was best I watch it from afar. So those two dummies, light an M80 and toss it into a plastic mailbox. Timmy didn't get far enough away, and when the mailbox explodes he is hit with plastic shrapnel. He ends up with scratchs and some serious welts. Again, they hung a story on dad after managing not to get caught.

    Incident #3
    Timmy gets the bright Idea to go to the main street that runs through our neighborhood and hide in the bushes. He holds the M80 like he is going to throw it, my brother lights it, and he tosses it right at a car. The M80 bounces off the cars trunk and explodes right behind the car and it scares the shit out of the driver. Again, I was hiding in another spot, because I know those two dickheads are going to get nailed by the cops sooner or later.

    Incident #4
    Okay, so the idiot twins are growing bored with blowing shit up. Bright idea - Let's tape 4 M80's together with black electrical tape. So the tape the 4 together then go through a full big roll of electric tape wrapping it nice and tight. Later that night we were having a pool party at our house for the 4th of July and they wanted to play a prank on everybody. They grab dads 50 gallon plastic trash bin, put it by our back patio and filled it full of water. They tell mom they thought it would be a good idea to have the trash can right their for easy disposal of paper plates and cups and other shit. So mom sets up all the chairs, and dad had the grill going. We have $100 worth of fireworks, hot dogs and burgers and about 40 people show up. So were all sitting on the patio enjoying the food and cold soda. Dad is grilling, mom is hob knobbing and the idiot twins decide it's prank time. Greg turns his back to everybody, lights the fuse and drops it into the trash can. BOOM!!! The trash can basically puts 50 gallons of water up in the air, splits the can into three pieces and the water rained down allover the patio, soaking everybody's food, clothes, and towels. It scares the shit out of everyone and even manged to soak my dad's grill. Dad looks at Greg, then Timmy, then me...."Okay, which one of you assholes just did that?". The fire in dad's eyes was too much for me and I went straight into snitch mode and I blurted out Timmy and Greg did it and I had nothing to do with it". Dad grounded them on the spot, and sent them inside the house. They weren't allowed to go anywhere or use the swimming pool for two weeks. Greg getting grounded was a gimme, it was his idea. But Timmy was pissed off because Greg would have taken his lumps for it and not ratted him out as an accomplice. Timmy spent the next two weeks beating on me. He also gave me the rat treatment and took a huge hunk of Velveta Cheese (which I hated) and forced into my mouth while chanting "eat your cheese rat, eat your cheese you stinking rat".

    Dad confiscated what was left of the 144 M80's they bought. Every once in awhile dad would sneak up on us when we were doing chores outside and he would toss one behind us when we weren't looking. He'd go back in the house and laugh his ass off.

    That summer those fuckers managed to blow up:
    My Tonka dump truck.
    They taped an M80 to my Evel Knievel on his motorcycle, revved that motor thing, lit the fuse and launched him.
    My teddy bear, destoryed.
    All of my Super Friends Action Figures...Dead.
    Batmobile...destroyed.
    My Tonka Bulldozer....destroyed.
    I had a huge Winnebago toy that I deemed the Super Friends Mobile Base, because it was big enough for the Action figures and the roof opened up....DESTROYED.
    Everyday, I would be out playing in my sand box or my dirt mound and a lit M80 would land within a few feet of me when I wasn't expecting it and BOOM!!! I'm convinced I was the first 6 year old suffering from shell shock.
     
  11. fletcher

    fletcher Darkness always says hello.
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    M-80s were/are not equal to a quarter stick of dynamite. Just sayin.

    Though I did go to hike school with a guy that blew off most of his right hand with one. Dummy.
     
  12. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Yeah, I just decided to fact check that. I guess a true M80 is 3 to 5 grams of powder. I remember he said he had the "big ones" so they must of been 5's. A year later he had M100's that from what I'm seeing are double that. But that's another story.
     
  13. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Found it for you 3HP.
     
  14. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Yeah, found this as well. Same summer.
     
  15. porch24

    porch24 Registered User

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    Fuckin' a, I'm dying over here with those stories from Motor Head.
     
  16. Voss's Tumor

    Voss's Tumor Banned

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    My wife's boss did the Christmas Story thing with a BB gun and he has the creepy eye syndrome now too. Fucking freaky looking.
     
  17. Your_Moms_Box

    Your_Moms_Box Free Shit / Socialism 2016

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    Take your fucking medicine you rat fink....
     
  18. CougarHunter

    CougarHunter Lying causes cat piss smell.

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    My kid brother and I are so far apart in age and mentality that we have nothing but a father in common. I was an only child for a good portion of my life and was out of the house before he was a teenager. He's about to be 27, and has the mentality of half that.
     
  19. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    The neighbors where I grew up had 5 kids. Their 5th one was a complete dud. His name was Jake, and I'm convinced he was a half a retard. His siblings were all good in school, sports and where really sociable. Jake loved to sit and draw horrific pictures of decapitated bodies all day, listen to shitty metal music and his life's dream was to open a record store. Duds happen.
     
  20. CougarHunter

    CougarHunter Lying causes cat piss smell.

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    Well my old man is batting .500, or less depending on who you ask....

    But seriously, who's the dumbfuck here? I work 60 hours a week to keep HIM off the streets.
     
  21. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    guy i work with has a fake eye his buddy took it out with a bb gun, every once in a while he will fuck with it buy poking it or tapping on it, it makes my asshole pucker. one time he took it out and showed my buddies daughter, the look on her face was priceless.
     
  22. Hudson

    Hudson Supreme Champion!!!!!
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    My cousin knocked her eye out on a tonka truck as kids. she used to be able to remove hers. She used to put it in people's drinks at family chrismas parties.
     
  23. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    She "used to". So she finally did it to the wrong person and was corrrected?
     
  24. Hudson

    Hudson Supreme Champion!!!!!
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    Naaah she kinda grew out of it once she had kids.
     
  25. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    Just remembered one... involving mug farter, not googley eye.

    My brother has Pectus Excavatum... or "sunken chest". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pectus_excavatum

    He's got the most extreme case I've ever seen. You can fit your fist into the dent in his chest. It's frightening... it just looks painful, and when you look at it, you can't help but wonder why he isn't screaming. I guess the really bad cases can fuck with your heart and sometimes they need to do corrective surgery. My parents took my brother to a doctor when he was a kid and they almost cracked his chest apart, but, in the end, they decided that he could probably live with it.

    This was the brother who worked as a model in NYC and his chest dent was his gimmick. He was in great shape and had good pec muscles and that made the dent look even deeper. It was crazy weird and unique and the modeling agencies loved it. He got regular work as a "shirt off" model because of his freak chest. He did one photo shoot where there were four sorta Sex in the City chicks sitting around a table... my brother was laying on the table, and the chicks were drinking out of his chest with straws. (He used to pull that same gimmick with the chicks when he was in college... body shots? He didn't even need a shot glass Shit... you could drink a pint of beer out of that kid's chest).

    Oh... he has a cool Tony Stark Iron Man chest power supply thing that one of his weirdo friends custom made for him. It pops right in his chest hole and it lights up with battery-powered LEDs... it's the freakiest thing, and people always want to know "the trick", "Is it an optical illusion or something?"

    Okay, okay... we get it, the kid has a dent in his chest. Enough about the dent!

    Okay... so here was the big Ha Ha funny from our childhood...

    Mrs. Openshaw lived across the street from us and she was a miserable old buzzard. She was always yelling at us to be quiet when we were playing in the yard and she would always rat us out to our parents for everything we did... blowing off firecrackers or using potty mouth swear words. She was just a dick.

    We're out in the yard playing home run derby one day with a bunch of our droogs from around the neighborhood, and the old bat is yelling at us to be quiet. We all decide that we have to fuck with her, so we come up with a plan...

    My brother lays down on the ground and we stick a baseball in his chest dent. The hole swallows over half the ball... a perfect fit. The effect is shocking.. just beyond freaky. So he's on the ground and he starts screaming like a banshee, and we all play our parts by running around hooting and hollering, "Help! Help! He's hurt! Call an ambulance!" and the like. Of course busybody Mrs. Openshaw comes running out to investigate the ruckus, and she sees my brother writhing around in mortal pain with a baseball embedded in his chest. And we're like, "He got drilled right in the chest with a line drive!" "We have to get him to a hospital!" The old biddy's jaw drops open and she turns white as a sheet. One guy goes, "Should we pull it out?", and I'm like, "We have to! It's killing him!" and I reach down and pop the ball out and my brother gives a scream and a convulsion, and then he flops back still with his tongue lolling out and his eyes rolled back in his head.

    And that was it for Mrs. Openshaw. She keeled right over in a dead faint and her ol' lady noggin bounced off the ground when she hit the deck. We were like, "Oh shit!" and we just took off scrambling in all directions like cockroaches when you turn on the light... you know, like kids do when there's trouble afoot.

    Mrs. Openshaw called my mom to find out if my brother was okay, and if he had gone to the hospital... and the jig was up. My dad thought it was hysterical. My mom... not so much.

    So, those are my two brothers... Crater Chest and Zombie Eye. Maybe I can get my sister to grow a beard and I'll take them all on a traveling freak show tour.
     

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