Proper Baby Care - Do's and Don'ts

Sprite

permanent case of the Moooondays
Apr 27, 2005
3,834
2
0
Jersey
#5
After the first 3 it's like, alright WE GET IT. (a la Jimmy)
 

Simby19

I want to have L'il Jimmy's babies
Aug 10, 2006
8,458
1
0
Paramus, NJ
#6
I want one of these for my non-existent kid

 

Simby19

I want to have L'il Jimmy's babies
Aug 10, 2006
8,458
1
0
Paramus, NJ
#13


This patent, lovingly referred to as "Cry-No-More," is for a strap-on pacifier that loops around a baby's ears and stays put. With this device a parent could, theoretically, enjoy some real quiet time with baby. Of course, babies will often cry even with a pacifier in their mouths. In fact, this type of cry is the most disruptive to peace and quiet as it quickly escalates to the point where babies turn dark red and seemingly become hysterical. But the patent's strap-on feature does eliminate one major source of a baby's crying - dropping (or spitting out) the pacifier and being unable to retrieve it.


The Baby Cage is an "oval shaped domed structure featuring curved crossbars that are strong enough to support an adult's weight." With this device baby can safely sleep in bed between mommy and daddy free from fear of being rolled onto by sleep-deprived parents
aaaaaaaand



the Baby Patter. The inventor of this device reasoned that "it is sometimes difficult for [an] infant to fall asleep, and the parent must resort to patting the baby to sleep by repeated pats upon the hind parts thereof." So, for parents who have to get up early the next morning to put in another 8 to 15 hours at the office in order to participate in the post-modern parenting experience, or for those parents who are, let's be honest, not quick to put in the kind of time and effort it takes to help a restless baby fall asleep, the Baby Patter's mechanized arm offers the perfect solution. With the Baby Patter in place babies get the soft caresses they need, while parents find yet another source of endless guilt as they watch a crude robotic device do the job they signed on for, the one they suspect baby would prefer they perform instead.
 

AngryPest

Registered User
Mar 3, 2005
583
5
433
#14
Don't forget your baby's swin coach, chauffer and aerobics instructor.