Report: Ninety percent of people who have jaws wired shut become ventriloquists


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Los Angeles, Calif. – Researchers at UCLA have released results of a five-year study which indicate that as many as 90 percent of all people who have their jaw wired shut for medical reasons for more than 30 days eventually pursue ventriloquism as a hobby or career.

"Almost without exception, people from every walk of life and ethnic descent, when forced to try to communicate with their jaws wired shut, inevitably tend to develop both an aptitude for and interest in ventriloquism," said Dr. Phillip Meyers, lead researcher on the UCLA study. "The inability to move one's mouth when they talk leads to a person developing the same set of communication skills that are essential to ventriloquism. Basically, for every broken jaw that's out there, there's a person whose inner ventriloquist is about to come out, whether people like it or not."

According to the study, of the 62,300 people worldwide who required the stabilization of their lower jaw because of a fracture or other medical necessity between August of 2001 and July of 2006, an astonishing 56,092 reported to have purchased a ventriloquist doll or created their own hand puppet either during or shortly following their recovery.

"My dipstick owner here, David – otherwise known as Mister Tough Guy – bought me after he got his jaw broken in a barroom brawl," said Harold, the ventriloquist doll of David Harris, an amateur New York ventriloquist who insisted on using his wooden dummy to answer interview questions. "He supposedly picked me from the rack at the costumes shop because I was the one that looked the most like him – although if you ask me, I'm much more handsome, wouldn't you agree?"

Among those who were not surprised by the study's results was noted ventriloquism historian Graham Fox, who said that many of the entertainment industry's most successful ventriloquists began learning their trade after experiencing painful jaw injuries.

"Not coincidentally, Fred Russell, who is known as the father of modern ventriloquism, was among the very first patients to have his jaw wired shut after breaking his jaw in a swimming accident," said Fox. "Fortunately for the ventriloquism world, Russell saw having to learn to talk with his mouth shut as an opportunity to develop a new kind of comedy act in which he would voice the words of a wooden doll and they would talk to each other."

Added Fox: "Russell, of course, was also insane – a fact which many feel contributed to his landmark breakthrough."

Fox noted that throughout decades of development, the art of ventriloquism has in other ways been aided by the wiring shut of jaws.

"Ventriloquism is such a devastatingly annoying art form that audience members regularly act on their desires to beat the absolute living shit out of ventriloquists, often re-breaking the performers' jaws in the process," said Fox. "Getting their jaws rewired often gives ventriloquists the opportunity to practice their act and improve on their ability to talk without moving their mouths. In this way, drunken audience members have had almost as much to do with the evolution of ventriloquism as have their victims."


Tahini sauce in my drawers
"Well, no shit." (R. Lee Ermey voice) :D