Return of Kings: The Best Unintentional Comedy Blog on the Internetz

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
54,127
12,916
373
Atlanta, GA
#1
I was taking a lovely stroll down memory lane when I happened upon some highlights from my favorite humiliation comedy "men's rights" blog, Return of Kings. For those of you who are new to this blog, here's an excerpt from their "About" page to set the mood:
About
Return Of Kings is a blog for heterosexual, masculine men. It’s meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine.

ROK aims to usher the return of the masculine man in a world where masculinity is being increasingly punished and shamed in favor of creating an androgynous and politically-correct society that allows women to assert superiority and control over men. Sadly, yesterday’s masculinity is today’s misogyny. The site intends to be a safe space on the web for those men who don’t agree with the direction that Western culture is headed. If you are new, check out our top 35 posts of all time.

Women and homosexuals are strongly discouraged from commenting here.

ROK Community Beliefs
The ideas and beliefs here are based on neomasculinity. Here are a few of its principal tenets:

1. Men and women are genetically different, both physically and mentally. Sex roles evolved in all mammals. Humans are not exempt.

2. Men will opt out of monogamy and reproduction if there are no incentives to engage in them.

3. Past traditions and rituals that evolved alongside humanity served a net benefit to the family unit.

4. Testosterone is the biological cause for masculinity. Environmental changes that reduce the hormone’s concentration in men will cause them to be weaker and more feminine.

5. A woman’s value significantly depends on her fertility and beauty. A man’s value significantly depends on his resources, intellect, and character.

6. Elimination of traditional sex roles and the promotion of unlimited mating choice in women unleashes their promiscuity and other negative behaviors that block family formation.

7. Socialism, feminism, cultural Marxism, and social justice warriorism aim to destroy the family unit, decrease the fertility rate, and impoverish the state through large welfare entitlements.

Read “What Is Neomasculinity?” for more detail.
Feeling nostalgic, I decided to check back in with this fine website and it did not disappoint. It's exactly as I remember, and it is still glorious. Its unironic and very gay embrace of bro culture, the post titles rich with delusions of grandeur, it's gleefully self-unaware members and their insecure, not-fooling-anyone confidence and wannabe-domineering attitudes, its occasional Christianist agenda, the "so I was fucking six bitches" stories, and of course, its "sluts and liberalism are responsible for everything bad ever" stance. I've assembled some new highlights, but rather than bump an old thread, I decided that it was time that this wonderful, cringe-inducing artifact of douche-squirming embarrassment received its own thread. Now, without further delay, let's see what these masculine, independent, not-at-all-desperate captains of manliness are up to.

One of the first things I noticed was this banner on the right side of my screen:
Weekly Newsletter
Free Text Messaging Guide

Arrange dates with our easy copy/paste method. Enter your first name and email below to grab the 9-page PDF guide and receive twice monthly updates highlighting our best articles and dating advice... We guarantee 100% privacy. Your information will not be shared.
Right off the bat, the already weak illusion of this website being populated by strong, independent protectors of masculinity and Western society comes roaring down like the Twin Towers, leaving in its place angry, socially awkward virgins. I say "protectors of Western society" because these sad little boys truly believe that they are the vanguard of a male uprising, as seen in this first featured post title.

http://www.returnofkings.com/76097/...efore-preventing-the-downfall-of-your-society
6 Questions You Must Answer Before Preventing The Downfall Of Your Society
The time is ripe for us men to rise up
 
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Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
54,127
12,916
373
Atlanta, GA
#2
I'm just going to post all of the other post titles in one dump post, but I need to post this first. It's a very sad pop-up that I got when I was about to start making a pot of copy-pasta.
11 Killer Tips For Solid Game
Signup today to our free weekly newsletter and see our top 11 tips instantly
Yep. These manly men sure are setting the new standard, aren't they?
 
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LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy
Jun 1, 2005
141,477
49,799
644
#3
I just going to post all of the other post titles in one dump post, but I need to post this first. It's a very sad pop-up that I got when I was about to start making a pot of copy-pasta.

Yep. These manly men sure are setting the new standard, aren't they?
The first two headlines:

"Every Violent Male Criminal Is Rewarded With Sex From Beautiful Women" well a) that's a horrible message and b) I'm going to guess that's patently untrue.
"Why Is The Race Of Harry Potter’s Hermione Being Magically Changed From White To Black?
" - We're men men who do manly things! Like cry over Harry Potter.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy
Jun 1, 2005
141,477
49,799
644
#4
I just going to post all of the other post titles in one dump post, but I need to post this first. It's a very sad pop-up that I got when I was about to start making a pot of copy-pasta.

Yep. These manly men sure are setting the new standard, aren't they?
How not to be creepy

When I’m on a first date with a girl, I will often try to kiss her within the first fifteen or twenty minutes. Frequently this initial kiss will be rejected. In these cases, the girl’s frame will be something like: “I just came out for a nice drink and to get to know you and you are violating social convention by trying to kiss me before we know each other well.”

And that’s absolutely fine. But my frame is different and goes like this: “I am a man and you are a woman. I am attracted to you and that is entirely normal. We are on a date together, and so what could be more natural than that I kiss you?”

Now, as we all know, in any given social interaction whoever has the strongest frame usually wins. And my frame in this context is now rock solid through practice. So if a girl attempts to shame me or to otherwise imply that my behaviour was in any way over the top or inappropriate, I simply front it out. “You’re cute—of course I’m going to try to kiss you. Who wouldn’t?”

The same goes for when I cold approach. If a girl asks me whether I’m hitting on her when I go up to talk to her, I simply say that I am. Why say anything else?
These people make JoeP seem sane and Franko seem truthful.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy
Jun 1, 2005
141,477
49,799
644
#5
I just going to post all of the other post titles in one dump post, but I need to post this first. It's a very sad pop-up that I got when I was about to start making a pot of copy-pasta.

Yep. These manly men sure are setting the new standard, aren't they?
ROK Hits Primetime With A Segment On The Jimmy Kimmel Live Show (Video)
On Tuesday night the Jimmy Kimmel Live show created a segment to ridicule the undeniable influence we’ve had in steering men away from seeing the social justice reboot of Star Wars.

The segment was in response to David Garrett’s article stating that we cost the Star Wars movie at least $4.2 million dollars in sales:


Fifty-five percent of respondents to a Return of Kings Twitter poll have said that online reporting of the social justice nature of The Force Awakens influenced their decision whether to see the film. Extended across our readership, with over 900,000 users accessing ROK between November 21 and December 21, this amounts to a potential direct impact of $4,219,456.54 (55% x $8.38 x 915,482) on total revenues.
 

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
54,127
12,916
373
Atlanta, GA
#6
Here's the best of the rest. If the lonely, pathetic, insecure character of this blog hasn't jump out at you yet, just keep reading; it can't keep itself hidden for long in any given post.

http://www.returnofkings.com/77987/how-to-avoid-being-labeled-creepy-by-beautiful-girls
How To Avoid Being Labeled “Creepy” By Beautiful Girls

http://www.returnofkings.com/76601/...ver-of-the-west-was-predicted-forty-years-ago
How The Homosexual Takeover Of The West Was Predicted Forty Years Ago
It's Scary How Accurately Fiction Can Oftimes Predict The Future

http://www.returnofkings.com/75937/how-donald-trumps-business-advice-can-change-your-life
How Donald Trump’s Business Advice Can Change Your Life

http://www.returnofkings.com/76808/coming-soon-to-a-society-near-you-polygamy-and-incest
Coming Soon To A Society Near You: Polygamy And Incest
The next step to destabilize families and relationships

http://www.returnofkings.com/77491/5-smells-that-will-put-a-woman-in-the-mood
5 Smells That Will Put A Woman In The Mood

http://www.returnofkings.com/76513/8-things-that-make-a-girl-stupid-and-useless
8 Things That Make A Girl Stupid And Useless
This list basically includes everything in the modern world.


http://www.returnofkings.com/76868/how-to-be-seen-by-women-as-an-alpha-male
How To Be Seen By Women As An Alpha Male

http://www.returnofkings.com/75882/5-things-you-should-be-doing-if-you-consume-porn
5 Things You Should Be Doing If You Consume Porn

Several months ago, Roosh outlined the debilitating effects of readily accessible porn on men. Whilst I agree with basically all of what he said, it’s safe to assume even some regular ROK readers are still feeding semi-rampant porn-related addictions. In addition to the literally hundreds of hours every few years men waste by indulging in porn, the damage to your underlying psychology is immense and in many cases neurological.

http://www.returnofkings.com/75194/why-women-shouldnt-work
Why Women Shouldn’t Work
Weren't they just complaining about women being useless?


http://www.returnofkings.com/20166/stop-watching-porn
Stop Watching Porn

If none of this surely insightful and engaging material is enough to feed your appetite for real men masculinity, fear not: Return of Kings has a podcast.

http://www.returnofkings.com/76823/return-of-kings-podcast-1-is-now-here

Enjoy. Western society depends on it.
 
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whiskeyguy

PR representative for Drunk Whiskeyguy.
Donator
Jan 12, 2010
36,350
21,963
398
Northern California
#7
I love their headlines! I actually have a site I legitimately enjoy, the Art of Manliness, in my RSS feed... because I like reading about scotch and 21 ways to build a fire in the wilderness, and shit like that. Pretty much the only time that site even references women is to tell men to be a gentleman around them.

So around a year ago someone posted an article on Facebook that was actually interesting, from an unknown site called Return of the Kings. I blindly added it to my RSS feed (thinking it was similar to AOM), and for the last year I have really enjoyed scrolling through the article list, laughing, and hitting "mark all as read".

I never read the "About Us" section though, holy shit is that funny. Because that's what real men, what "kings" would do... create a "safe space" blog on the internet where gays and women aren't allowed.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy
Jun 1, 2005
141,477
49,799
644
#8
5 Things You Should Be Doing If You Consume Porn
Stop eating pornography!

5 Smells That Will Put A Woman In The Mood
Number 4 is black pepper, so you know, basically any time you cook.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy
Jun 1, 2005
141,477
49,799
644
#9
Suck my asshole


EDIT: REL at the NPR voice.
 

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
54,127
12,916
373
Atlanta, GA
#12
On Tuesday night the Jimmy Kimmel Live show created a segment to ridicule the undeniable influence we’ve had in steering men away from seeing the social justice reboot of Star Wars.

The segment was in response to David Garrett’s article stating that we cost the Star Wars movie at least $4.2 million dollars in sales:


Fifty-five percent of respondents to a Return of Kings Twitter poll have said that online reporting of the social justice nature of The Force Awakens influenced their decision whether to see the film. Extended across our readership, with over 900,000 users accessing ROK between November 21 and December 21, this amounts to a potential direct impact of $4,219,456.54 (55% x $8.38 x 915,482) on total revenues.
That is adorable.
 

tattered

Uber-Aryan
Wackbag Staff
Aug 22, 2002
23,836
8,441
838
JERZ
#14
While the blog is corny 99% once in a while they'll post an anti-feminism article that makes a lot of sense
 

tattered

Uber-Aryan
Wackbag Staff
Aug 22, 2002
23,836
8,441
838
JERZ
#19
No need to deny it. Just... bask in it. Take all the crazy, sad, delusional insecurity in and enjoy like a fine bourbon.
What would you know about that though. You don't swallow your drinks unless it's cum
 

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
54,127
12,916
373
Atlanta, GA
#21
What would you know about that though. You don't swallow your drinks unless it's cum
You can take in most of the taste through just your nose and mouth. I'm sure the the throat adds a lot and that's flavor I'm not getting, but it's not like I'm really deprived by not swallowing it. I'm still getting about 80-85% of the experience, which is pretty damn delicious.
 

tattered

Uber-Aryan
Wackbag Staff
Aug 22, 2002
23,836
8,441
838
JERZ
#22
You can take in most of the taste through just your nose and mouth. I'm sure the the throat adds a lot and that's flavor I'm not getting, but it's not like I'm really deprived by not swallowing it. I'm still getting about 80-85% of the experience, which is pretty damn delicious.
Go all the way or just stop wasting good liquor. Part of the experience is the warmth that radiates out from your stomach that slowly washes over your body. The soothing relaxing that gentlely wraps you in its arms. All your cares slowly falling away. Would you only watch 80% of a movie? Ride 80% of amusement park ride? Take 80% of a vacation?
 

Lord Zero

Viciously Silly
Aug 25, 2008
54,127
12,916
373
Atlanta, GA
#23
Go all the way or just stop wasting good liquor. Part of the experience is the warmth that radiates out from your stomach that slowly washes over your body. The soothing relaxing that gentlely wraps you in its arms.
Your talking about the actual effect of alcohol. I'm just talking about the taste, which is all I want. I love the taste of good booze, but I want nothing to do with the effect of it. I'm just not interested in it.
 

tattered

Uber-Aryan
Wackbag Staff
Aug 22, 2002
23,836
8,441
838
JERZ
#24
Your talking about the actual effect of alcohol. I'm just talking about the taste, which is all I want. I love the taste of good booze, but I want nothing to do with the effect of it. I'm just not interested in it.
Then stop wasting good booze. Every time you spit out a good whisky you should be punched in the dick