i don't often blog. Why? cause i just don't care. some people ask why i don't blog. Well very few people ask why i don't blog, one person even blogged on why i don't blog. thanks Joe Robinson you made me feel important.
but last Saturday something crazy happened to me. i got to open up for the Opie and Anthony travelling virus tour at the Nissan Pavilion in front of ten thousand screaming people.
Okay and it happened like this, I got an email around Tuesday before the show saying that Opie and Anthony radio show was doing a contest called CAR CRASH COMEDY. the email was this: The Opie and Anthony Show is coming to DC to broadcast LIVE from the XM compound this Friday, August 17th, and we’re bringing one of our signature bits “Car Crash Comedy” to the XM Performance Studio. Basically, comedians get 2 minutes in front of a live audience (about 50 people) to showcase their material. If they get ‘car crashed’ (a sound effect) three times, then they’re out of the contest. We did this in Philadelphia, and the winner won an opening slot on the Traveling Virus tour for the Camden show. We’re working on a grand prize of an opening slot at the Nissan Pavillion show this Saturday (just waiting for the thumbs up). We would need them at the XM building around 7am on Friday 8/17/07. 4-5 comics wanted.
Hope all is well and definitely think this through before you respond. I just wanted to put the opportunity out there for you in case you were interested.
notice the last line ..."definitely think this through..." so I was a little hesitant about doing it. How bad is this really gonna be? you just get on stage and they boo you before you even say a punch line? I didn't know what to think. I mean I've had all kinds of horrible stage stories happen to me. A small disinterested crowd to a large one. I've had nice hecklers to mean hecklers. I've performed on stairways, and some space on the floor in between columns or in the corner of a big bar behind a iron gate. I've been bullied by 6'9 muscled heads and once this old beastly woman ran on "stage" which was an extended dance floor and then lifted me (she was a big chick) and humped me onstage. I've done a room full of altimers patients to another room where i bombed so bad they had to escort me out the room.
So enough down memory lane. My point is that I've seen some bad shit. And didn't think Opie and Anthony could top it. But i figured they might try. So i did it.
Had to get to the radio station at five thirty in the morning but i decided to get there at 450 cause for the first time in my career i decided to be early. doesn't happen often. i hate being early anywhere. i hate waiting.
So when i get there i see a couple of people and one comedian i know, Brian Jett. So i'm thinking, alright there are just going to be comedians here. An hour later there are fifty people and I'm getting kind of scared. Are all these people thinking they can win this contest? I do not want go against some guy that read some joke on the Internet and now thinks he's a comic. that's just hard to follow. there are different moods a jokey joke will put a room in and it would take longer than a two minutes to get them back into my comedy mood. but thankfully later we find out that they were just crowd members there to see a show and it turned out that only ten people were there to perform.
Okay let's fast forward cause for the first four hours there i was just sleeping and eating bagels. We go into the studio which is a place in XM radio that seats about 50 people and artist can perform. Thats kind of cool. I was going to perform where some of the biggest music stars performed. Ludacris and Radiohead. I can't think of the others ones but it's all on Artist Confidential. this MTV's Unplugged. Same shit. it's hot. I'm sitting there with Rob Maher and Bill Monahan, very funny comedians.
Opie, Anthony, and Jim Norton walk in the room looking like rock stars and we're cheering like crazy for them and they come and work the crowd like pros. As a side note i couldn't imagine being funny every day saying something different. that's just crazy. but they worked the crowd beautifully.
Alright let me fast forward some of the small stuff like signing release forms and bullshit like that. I want to tell you about how everybody else did but i don't know them well enough to talk about them. And i might have to work with them again. they were all funny. the people i know jim, aj, bill and rob. all were funny but just had bad luck in one way or there other. Rob especially because he has a great act, which is why he's a regular at Comedy Factory and possibly one of the funniest acts to see live. Ask around about the legend at Ned Devine's when a girl asked him to tell her about himself. Wonderful story.
Anyways. I went on last, just the way i wanted it, and I felt pretty good. I saw how they were doing the car crashes and it was far from intimidating. it was damn near nice about it. the only thing that made me nervous was that the only other black comic, a young talented brotha (Haywood? i'm sorry i forgot your name) who pretty much said some material that was on the subject of black and white, which i was waffling on whether or not i should do my race stuff. His two minutes convinced me not too.
the two minutes went as well as i could have hoped, the only thing i didn't like was the at the microphone went into the radio but not into the studio, so the crowd heard just my regular voice and I couldn't rely on the speakers like i usually do. So i had to yell. which isn't a problem for me. As told me the night before my act is pretty much me yelling "****** ****** ****** pussy pussy pussy" (thanks j.m.)
we had a second round and that went the same. great energy from the crowd. wonderful response and then they said i won. And i got a xm radio. the inno.
(by the way i'm sorry this blog is turning into the biggest ever)
so i'm kind of feeling good. like it was little too simple. just tell a joke and win a prize. cause doing two minutes on a radio show in front of fifty people and doing it in front of tenthousand didn't seem like fair trade. So when Kenny and keith, the managers/people of Opie and Anthony told me that they would call me i was like "yeah right, i'll be waiting" but i didn't think it would happen. but then they called me. and this turned out to be one the top ten greatest days of my life.
So i'm there an hour before they told me to get there cause now i'm starting habit of early. no way i was going to be late. Ginger rolled with me. She was great and supportive and patient with this seven hour experience. As soon as i get there i'm thrown off by one thing. everybody is nice. and when i say everybody i mean EVERYBODY. from the biggest act to the broom guy backstage. everybody goes out of there way to be nice. it was freaky. cause i've been in this business long enough to know i'm not worth shit. i mean as a human being sure. but as some of you comics know, being in the comedy club( or other) as a comic can fuck your emotions up. to young comics do not go into any club thinking your the shit unless you want to leave crying or yelling or both. club owners and bookers look at you like a menu in a resturant. Do i want chicken or beef? sometimes you're chicken and they want beef, so they're not going to waist they're time apologizing to the chicken for not eating it.
Anyways that's my rant on that. But that was the complete opposite here. everyone was just so nice. Jim Norton sat and talked to me while we ate. just told me out the crowd and about the business. it was great. Patrice oneal walked in and fucked with me. Rich Vos showed me his newborn's pic. it was freaky.
So i just fidgeted around for about two hours until show time. One small note, Allyson from the DC improv rolled through, and thinking about what i just said two paragraphs ago, she was the complete opposite. she was great and nice to talk to. i'm glad she was there cause i would have just sat in the corner and freaked, but she forced me to mingle and have fun and i love her for that.
Alright the show, this was freaky, cause i was told that i was supposed to five to six. then when i get there it was three minutes. and so they make a big deal about this monitor that's onstage that i need to look at that will count down when i need to get off stage. a onstage timer basically, which is great when you're trying to slow yourself down. they emphasized PAY ATTENTION DO NOT GO OVER. which i'm thinking there's is no way in hell i'm going to go long. i don't even do that at open mics. so it's about two minutes before i'm supposed to go on right and they tell me that i they extended my time to three minutes but if i want to bail at three it's cool. jim norton told me they discussed it(they meaning the other comics) and they thought three isn't very comfortable. i was happy cause i really honestly didn't have a set list in mind for three minutes and i was just going to say the first joke that comes to my head, but when they told me five minutes i got an idea i knew exactly what i was going to do. Also right before i was supposed to get on the timer monitor broke so they freak a bit and told me to just look at my watch. Again not a big deal. i wasn't going to let anything distract me.
so i walk onstage and i'm unsure of what the reaction will be because i'm a nobody on a show with somebodies. And then also walking in front of ten thousand people was a beautiful thing to see, but ugly as hell if they don't laugh. but as soon as i walked on the crowd gave me so much love that i had to throw my arms in the air like a presidential elect. it was crazy. my first joke did alright. i made a conscious effort to slow down cause i have a habit of talking fast. i made sure i was articulate. my second joke was when things got good. I kept looking at individual faces some smiling, some disinterested then laughing. (Sidenote: i always think that's amazing how someone can go from looking completely bored and uninterested to hysterical laughter. ) I was nervous about doing the same jokes from what i used on the radio the day before but Allyson and Jim insisted so i did my joke about coinstar, Where i ask if anybody has been to the coinstar machine? and it was freaky to have four thousand people raise their hands at some shit you said. So it went as well i could imagine, but when i walked off stage that was the real show. ALL the crew said congratulations, Bob Kelly and patting my back Jim was too, then the freakiest thing, i walk to the back and Bob Saget, Carlos mencia, Louis CK, Patrice Oneal, and Opie and Anthony all where shaking my hand telling me i'm funny, that i ripped. It was crazy. these are all people whom i...i don't think i have enough things to say on their status. It's just as a young comic you want to just stand in the room with them as they work, and I'm sharing a fucking stage. I was more nervous getting off stage then when i was on. Cause performing is easy, i work on that everyday, but talking to people AND asking for help ie making contacts is fucking scary. but again they were nice about it all.
Okay this is really really long. Let me sum up. I basically chilled with them for the rest of the night. the bits i heard made me want to RUN back to my notebook and learn how to tell jokes again. Oneal and CK particularly had some bits that were some of the most structurally sound and funny things. i didn't get to see everyone, Bob kelly went on right after me but i was rushed over by kenny, manager/security, to do an interview on the sports junkies (also really cool guys) CLICK HERE FOR THE INTERVIEW And at the end Carlos Mencia walked on stage to a booing crowd and twenty minutes later left the stage to a standing ovation. not many people do that. he was so tight all the other comedians stood backstage to watch, even though they all got dressing rooms and what not. it was a crazy nice performance.
Oh and at the end they had me come back on stage for a curtain call. that was real freaky, cause now i'm on stage with my idols. then for the last treat i'm tired and ready to go home, but NO! Patrice Oneal tells me I can't cause we got to sign autographs. I'm like Naw nobody wants my autograph. He said nigga come on. So i did it.
To sum that up i wasn't embarrassed like i'd thought i'd be. A lot of people said i was funny, and some people even heard me on the radio the day before and wished me luck. i sat between Carlos and Bob. Patrice heckled me while i gave autographs (SEATON STOP FUCKING UP. SIGN THE PAPER) at least two woman showed their breasts. One showed it and jumped up and down. couple guys had their shirts off. on guy had a top hat. it was interesting and long like this blog entry.
alright. i'm done. it was cool and i'll never bring up again.
THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO CALLED AND TEXTED ME CONGRADS. I APPRECIATE IT.