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Shit MY dad says.

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by Creasy Bear, Aug 19, 2011.

  1. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    My dad doesn't want to hear it.

    My dad doesn't want to hear any of it... ever.

    He constantly doesn't want to hear it. He perpetually doesn't want to hear it.

    When I was a kid he'd say like, "Wear your life jack when you go out in the canoe, because if you fall in and drown, I'll have to hear it." It was like... I don't give a shit if you drown, I just don't want to deal with all the hassle of a dead kid and your mother blubbering and crying.

    We'd be bugging my dad, "Take us camping! Take us camping!", and he'd go, "Alright, alright. I'll take you camping. Whatever it takes so I don't have to hear it."

    Mostly he didn't want to "hear it" from my mom... his wife. He'd say to me, "You better not get any Ds or Fs on your report card, because then I'll have to hear it." Like he didn't give a shit if I flunked or not, he just didn't want to hear my mom bitching about it.

    He also didn't want to "hear it" from anybody else either. "I'm going in to work early tomorrow and get some shit done so I don't have to hear it when the boss comes in."

    If the world ended tomorrow, my dad wouldn't give a shit... as long as he didn't have to hear it.

    I could never figure out why he didn't just stick ice picks in his ears. You'd figure the day he went deaf would be the greatest day of his life... he'd never have to "hear it" again.

    He's still alive and kicking, my dad. I'd call him up and ask him how he's doing, but he probably doesn't want to hear it.
     
  2. Voss's Tumor

    Voss's Tumor Banned

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  3. Psychopath

    Psychopath Plata O Plomo

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    My step dad and grandfather are the same way.
     
  4. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    my dads favorite thing to say to me is dont be a lazy ******.
     
  5. CougarHunter

    CougarHunter Lying causes cat piss smell.

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    Words to live by.
     
  6. PunchYourself187

    PunchYourself187 I, The Operator

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    I'm not sure what you're going for, but this has the makings of a good stand-up bit. You should keep working on it.
     
  7. shuganuts

    shuganuts Not SHWOOGIE nuts!!

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    When he got something new & you asked where he got it, the answer was almost always " I stole it from a dead n****r".
     
  8. Josh_R

    Josh_R Registered User

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    Your mom sounds like a real bitch. :action-sm;)
     
  9. wes mantooth

    wes mantooth wierdo

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    My dad was a white Rodney King. My older brother would steal money from me as a teenager so I would demand my money and if it wasn't forthcoming I would start whupping his ass. Dad, protecting his favorite, would break us up and say "can''t we all just get along?". Go fuck yourself you enabling cocksucker. You treat me like shit so why wouldn't he follow suit?

    The other day my dad said "when your mother and I pass away we're just going to let you boys work it out amongst yourselves". I was apoplectic. I was flabbergasted. I was losing my fucking goddamn mind. I said "don't you dare leave this bullshit decision in our hands." We'll be like fucking Dallas standing around pre-dinner nursing cocktails saying "Bobby? I heard you had trouble with your cars brakes today? You should get that checked out." Seriously we're talking a fair amount of cash with some morally compromised individuals thrown into the mix. Even grubby handed sister-in-laws. Don't even get me started on those harpy cunts.
     
  10. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    Aren't they all?
     
  11. Creasy Bear

    Creasy Bear gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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    Good idea. I think I'll work this into the bit...

    If I had a nickel for every time my dad said, "I don't want to hear it." I'd fill a sock with nickels and smash it over his head the next time he said, "I don't want to hear it."

    I'll be here all week, ladies and germs. Try the veal.
     
  12. Lord Zero

    Lord Zero Viciously Silly

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    Ever try choking him with a phone cord?

    [​IMG]
     
  13. wes mantooth

    wes mantooth wierdo

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    No, because I was afraid he'd call the police. lol

    I'm here all week folks. Tip your waitress.
     
  14. lockjaaaaww

    lockjaaaaww All out of Bubble Gum.

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    life jack? Don't you mean life jacket?
     
  15. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    Whenever my brothers or I would try to hang a story on dad for whatever reason he always used to say "don't shit in my boot and tell me you made brownies for me". Even when I was telling the truth he would roll his eyes and refer to his boots and excrement. He had also lost his PC filter a couple years before he passed. I still remember sitting in the Olive Garden with him when he noticed the waitress had big delicious knockers and he said "she sure is proud of those tits" as she was just started to walk away. He also loved to say the N word in public. I ordered king crab legs at Outback Steakhouse and he asked if I was "neener rich". I heard a gasp behind me, and there sat George and Wheezy Jefferson with all their church friends.
     
  16. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    when i was fat (a long time a go i was pushing over 260) my old man used to love to say to me "you would eat shit if i put powdered sugar on it)
     
  17. Motor Head

    Motor Head HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL

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    There is nothing more important in a boys life then a supportive father. My dad told me when I was pushing 300lbs that my ass looked like 50lbs of chewed up bubblegum. He also referenced me having more chins then a Chinese phone book. Oh, and of course the shadow off my ass weighed 25lbs.
     
  18. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    yea for years i thought my name was dumb ass.
     
  19. kidconnor

    kidconnor 55gallon hog

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    My name was schmuck.
     
  20. kloraferm

    kloraferm Humor is reason gone mad

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    Your dad was Red Foreman?
     
  21. Hudson

    Hudson Supreme Champion!!!!!
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    When we were kids my dad would constantly telling me and my sister to "go play in traffic" when we were pestering him. He stopped telling us that when we did what he told us to do and we caused a 3 car wreck.
     
  22. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    oh i guess i should add.... since i am a father.... the "i dont want to hear it" is high on my list along with some others;

    "are you sure your my kid"
    "comb your fucking hair"
    "why are you always in my way"
    "do something even if its wrong" (that was another favorites of my dad)
    "im not your mother"
    "do it again and they will have to surgically remove my shoe from your stomach out of your ass... and i really like these shoes"
    "have another doughnut tubby"
    "you can eat what i make or i will shove it down your pie hole"
    "this isnt burger king you get your burger my way"
    "dont tell your fucking mother i let you do this shit"
    "watch your muzzle, you sweep me again and i will shove that gun up your ass" <<<<used that one this morning during monday show and tell..
     
  23. THE FEZ MAN

    THE FEZ MAN as a matter of fact i dont have 5$

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    oh and i forgot " dont be a stupid lazy ******"
     
  24. BIV

    BIV I'm Biv Dick Black, the Over Poster.

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    My dad would fart and say "damn barking spiders."

    My name was Stupid Shit.
     
  25. LiddyRules

    LiddyRules I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy

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    I always thought you'd be a yuppie.

    When I die, you're taking care of your mother.

    Admit you're gay already.
     

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