Shit MY dad says.

Creasy Bear

gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh
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#1
My dad doesn't want to hear it.

My dad doesn't want to hear any of it... ever.

He constantly doesn't want to hear it. He perpetually doesn't want to hear it.

When I was a kid he'd say like, "Wear your life jack when you go out in the canoe, because if you fall in and drown, I'll have to hear it." It was like... I don't give a shit if you drown, I just don't want to deal with all the hassle of a dead kid and your mother blubbering and crying.

We'd be bugging my dad, "Take us camping! Take us camping!", and he'd go, "Alright, alright. I'll take you camping. Whatever it takes so I don't have to hear it."

Mostly he didn't want to "hear it" from my mom... his wife. He'd say to me, "You better not get any Ds or Fs on your report card, because then I'll have to hear it." Like he didn't give a shit if I flunked or not, he just didn't want to hear my mom bitching about it.

He also didn't want to "hear it" from anybody else either. "I'm going in to work early tomorrow and get some shit done so I don't have to hear it when the boss comes in."

If the world ended tomorrow, my dad wouldn't give a shit... as long as he didn't have to hear it.

I could never figure out why he didn't just stick ice picks in his ears. You'd figure the day he went deaf would be the greatest day of his life... he'd never have to "hear it" again.

He's still alive and kicking, my dad. I'd call him up and ask him how he's doing, but he probably doesn't want to hear it.
 

Psychopath

I want to fuck your girlfriend.
Dec 28, 2008
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#3
My dad doesn't want to hear it.

My dad doesn't want to hear any of it... ever.

He constantly doesn't want to hear it. He perpetually doesn't want to hear it.

When I was a kid he'd say like, "Wear your life jack when you go out in the canoe, because if you fall in and drown, I'll have to hear it." It was like... I don't give a shit if you drown, I just don't want to deal with all the hassle of a dead kid and your mother blubbering and crying.

We'd be bugging my dad, "Take us camping! Take us camping!", and he'd go, "Alright, alright. I'll take you camping. Whatever it takes so I don't have to hear it."

Mostly he didn't want to "hear it" from my mom... his wife. He'd say to me, "You better not get any Ds or Fs on your report card, because then I'll have to hear it." Like he didn't give a shit if I flunked or not, he just didn't want to hear my mom bitching about it.

He also didn't want to "hear it" from anybody else either. "I'm going in to work early tomorrow and get some shit done so I don't have to hear it when the boss comes in."

If the world ended tomorrow, my dad wouldn't give a shit... as long as he didn't have to hear it.

I could never figure out why he didn't just stick ice picks in his ears. You'd figure the day he went deaf would be the greatest day of his life... he'd never have to "hear it" again.

He's still alive and kicking, my dad. I'd call him up and ask him how he's doing, but he probably doesn't want to hear it.
My step dad and grandfather are the same way.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
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#4
my dads favorite thing to say to me is dont be a lazy ******.
 

Josh_R

Registered User
Jan 29, 2005
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Akron, Ohio
#8
My dad doesn't want to hear it.

My dad doesn't want to hear any of it... ever.

He constantly doesn't want to hear it. He perpetually doesn't want to hear it.

When I was a kid he'd say like, "Wear your life jack when you go out in the canoe, because if you fall in and drown, I'll have to hear it." It was like... I don't give a shit if you drown, I just don't want to deal with all the hassle of a dead kid and your mother blubbering and crying.

We'd be bugging my dad, "Take us camping! Take us camping!", and he'd go, "Alright, alright. I'll take you camping. Whatever it takes so I don't have to hear it."

Mostly he didn't want to "hear it" from my mom... his wife. He'd say to me, "You better not get any Ds or Fs on your report card, because then I'll have to hear it." Like he didn't give a shit if I flunked or not, he just didn't want to hear my mom bitching about it.

He also didn't want to "hear it" from anybody else either. "I'm going in to work early tomorrow and get some shit done so I don't have to hear it when the boss comes in."

If the world ended tomorrow, my dad wouldn't give a shit... as long as he didn't have to hear it.

I could never figure out why he didn't just stick ice picks in his ears. You'd figure the day he went deaf would be the greatest day of his life... he'd never have to "hear it" again.

He's still alive and kicking, my dad. I'd call him up and ask him how he's doing, but he probably doesn't want to hear it.
Your mom sounds like a real bitch. :action-sm;)
 
Feb 20, 2006
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#9
My dad was a white Rodney King. My older brother would steal money from me as a teenager so I would demand my money and if it wasn't forthcoming I would start whupping his ass. Dad, protecting his favorite, would break us up and say "can''t we all just get along?". Go fuck yourself you enabling cocksucker. You treat me like shit so why wouldn't he follow suit?

The other day my dad said "when your mother and I pass away we're just going to let you boys work it out amongst yourselves". I was apoplectic. I was flabbergasted. I was losing my fucking goddamn mind. I said "don't you dare leave this bullshit decision in our hands." We'll be like fucking Dallas standing around pre-dinner nursing cocktails saying "Bobby? I heard you had trouble with your cars brakes today? You should get that checked out." Seriously we're talking a fair amount of cash with some morally compromised individuals thrown into the mix. Even grubby handed sister-in-laws. Don't even get me started on those harpy cunts.
 

Creasy Bear

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#11
I'm not sure what you're going for, but this has the makings of a good stand-up bit. You should keep working on it.
Good idea. I think I'll work this into the bit...

If I had a nickel for every time my dad said, "I don't want to hear it." I'd fill a sock with nickels and smash it over his head the next time he said, "I don't want to hear it."

I'll be here all week, ladies and germs. Try the veal.
 

Motor Head

HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL
Jan 23, 2006
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#15
Whenever my brothers or I would try to hang a story on dad for whatever reason he always used to say "don't shit in my boot and tell me you made brownies for me". Even when I was telling the truth he would roll his eyes and refer to his boots and excrement. He had also lost his PC filter a couple years before he passed. I still remember sitting in the Olive Garden with him when he noticed the waitress had big delicious knockers and he said "she sure is proud of those tits" as she was just started to walk away. He also loved to say the N word in public. I ordered king crab legs at Outback Steakhouse and he asked if I was "neener rich". I heard a gasp behind me, and there sat George and Wheezy Jefferson with all their church friends.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
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#16
when i was fat (a long time a go i was pushing over 260) my old man used to love to say to me "you would eat shit if i put powdered sugar on it)
 

Motor Head

HIGHWAY TRASH REMOVAL
Jan 23, 2006
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#17
when i was fat (a long time a go i was pushing over 260) my old man used to love to say to me "you would eat shit if i put powdered sugar on it)
There is nothing more important in a boys life then a supportive father. My dad told me when I was pushing 300lbs that my ass looked like 50lbs of chewed up bubblegum. He also referenced me having more chins then a Chinese phone book. Oh, and of course the shadow off my ass weighed 25lbs.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
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#18
yea for years i thought my name was dumb ass.
 

Hudson

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#21
When we were kids my dad would constantly telling me and my sister to "go play in traffic" when we were pestering him. He stopped telling us that when we did what he told us to do and we caused a 3 car wreck.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
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#22
oh i guess i should add.... since i am a father.... the "i dont want to hear it" is high on my list along with some others;

"are you sure your my kid"
"comb your fucking hair"
"why are you always in my way"
"do something even if its wrong" (that was another favorites of my dad)
"im not your mother"
"do it again and they will have to surgically remove my shoe from your stomach out of your ass... and i really like these shoes"
"have another doughnut tubby"
"you can eat what i make or i will shove it down your pie hole"
"this isnt burger king you get your burger my way"
"dont tell your fucking mother i let you do this shit"
"watch your muzzle, you sweep me again and i will shove that gun up your ass" <<<<used that one this morning during monday show and tell..
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
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#23
oh and i forgot " dont be a stupid lazy ******"
 

BIV

I'm Biv Dick Black, the Over Poster.
Apr 22, 2002
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#24
My dad would fart and say "damn barking spiders."

My name was Stupid Shit.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy
Jun 1, 2005
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#25
I always thought you'd be a yuppie.

When I die, you're taking care of your mother.

Admit you're gay already.