Terrible cooks

Chino Kapone

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Jun 10, 2005
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#1
Who do you know that is an awful cook? How do you live with someone who just sucks at cooking? Can you tell someone they are terrible with out hurting their feelings?

My dad is an extremely intelligent man, but is the worst cook. Ever. Problem is, when he cooks, he cooks like he would eat it. So he just tosses a bunch of shit together and eats it. It started when he was a kid. He is one of 10 kids, so no food went to waste. If you didn't like it, you didn't eat. When my dad was 5, my grandpa once threatened all the kids on a family camping trip that if they don't eat their baked beans for dinner, it would end up in their oatmeal for breakfast. Sure enough, baked beans and oatmeal for breakfast. So my pops just tosses a bunch of shit together. To him, if it looks and tastes like shit, it doesn't matter because it's all going down the same. It's all fuel for your body to him.

I live with my parents for now because, well, they travel 6-9 months out of the years, and I'm broke as fuck until these 5 houses I sold close in the next few weeks, so I watch their house. My mom is out of town so my dad bought a shit ton of groceries the other night and was going to make a casserole from a recipe that she sent him, and then leave me the rest of the groceries so I can cook up whatever.

Her recipe that she sent him goes something like this:
-Fry up 1/2 lb of hamburger
-cut 1 squash and 1 zucchini
-1 can of stewed tomatoes
-1/4 of a cut up onion
-lightly season, mix and put in 1 casserole dish cover with shredded cheese and bake.

It was very simple and enough to fee him and I for a day or two.

So I ask my dad if he is following the recipe, he says, "I read it." I just silently begin to weep, because I know what's about to happen.

What my dad makes:
-Fry 2lbs of hamburger. Cover in spices and hot sauce.
-Cut up 2 large zucchini and 2 large yellow squash
-1 onion
-1 can of cream of mushroom soup WTF? WHY DOES THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA!??!?!
-2 small tubs of sour cream NO! NO! NONONONONONO!!!
-1 cup of shredded cheese
-1 big ass cup of parmesan cheese
Mix everything together and over season the shit out of everything. I'm talking a 1/4 cup of red pepper and oregano, and whatever spice is within arm reach. Then he deicides that there isn't enough cheese.
-add the rest of the bag of shredded cheese
-1 cup of feta cheese (Now this really annoyed me because that shit did not melt at all. It was for fucking salads!!)
-cover in crackers and crispy onion straws

So, at this point, we have TWO very large pans of casserole. I'm talking enough food to feed 10 people. I ask him "Should we invite other people over to eat?" He doesn't laugh. Then I asked why he used all two pounds of the hamburger... He said "It was frozen, I didn't want to cut it in half." [insert rage face here] It's just me and him, and he is about to leave town. I think his idea was to make enough food that I could just eat and take to work. Anyway, this is some of the most gawd awful slop I've ever seen.

He makes me a large bowl of it, and we eat it... and he's like "Wow, this is pretty good, huh? But it's missing something...."

I eat half of it, wait till he leaves the room, then dump the rest down the garbage disposal. An hour later I can still taste all the spices on my togue.

Other things he's done this week... He cooked some chili and didn't drain the hamburger or sausage, so it's like a spicy beany jalepeno laxative. Also, he used a shit ton of Apple cider vinegar on the taboulleh he made. It just smelt nasty and it's still sitting in there. He doesn't understand the art of cooking. He's manages $100 million dollar projects, so he's very technically inclined... but this is just some of the worst shit I've ever eaten.

How do you guys deal with terrible cooks? How can you stop someone when they are trying to be nice and are making something just flat out terrible?
 

Wrecktum

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Jun 29, 2006
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#2
My mother... Over cooks everything because she's afraid someone will die if its just a shade too pink or what not. She will sit there and make sauce for 5 hrs but used instant mashed taters.. She's a domesticated disappointment.
 

CousinDave

Registered User
Dec 11, 2007
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#3
My grandmother used to be an amazing cook (she was the middle child in a family of 9 + grandkids, cousins, friends, and anyone else who was around, she has a niece that is older than her youngest sister)

To this day I've never had cornbread as good as she used to make it, but now everything she makes is terrible.
 
Jun 2, 2005
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#4
My grandmother used to be an amazing cook (she was the middle child in a family of 9 + grandkids, cousins, friends, and anyone else who was around, she has a niece that is older than her youngest sister)

To this day I've never had cornbread as good as she used to make it, but now everything she makes is terrible.
My wife's grandmother is the exact same way, and I have a very sensitive stomach, so I generally stop by Subway or something when I know we're going to eat there. I make a plate and dump it ninja style.

Apparently she used to be great in the kitchen, but she's pushing 80 and just doesn't have the memory to keep up with cook times or to be able to judge spices, so all meats get a gallon of liquid smoke, anything with garlic gets at least a pound, etc. Eating her food literally will have me puking within half an hour.

My father-in-law just moved back to Dallas, and his fucking palace of a house has a professional kitchen, so if he's serious about taking over the holiday get-togethers, I'm going to try to take over the cooking.
 

DanaReevesLungs

I can keep rhythm with no metronome...
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Jun 9, 2005
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#5
My mom still makes the same fucking watery spaghetti she made 30 years ago. I want to bitch slap her every time she makes a spaghetti and the sauce is runny as a motherfucker. It's uncalled for to have a thin sauce.
 

Creasy Bear

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#6
My mother-in-law. Her "spice rack" consists of the following... salt and pepper, some of that Ms. Dash bullshit, and an Italian seasoning shaker that is so old that the contents have solidified and are unshakable.

She once made meatballs. No, she didn't actually make meatballs, what she made was balls of meat. Unseasoned, overcooked lumps of ground beef. Seriously... just hamburger rolled into balls... no breadcrumbs, worcestershire, ketchup, spices of any sort, A1 sauce, nothing... meatballs... balls of meat.

Whenever she cooks, it's like she's cooking for a bunch of four-year-old peptic ulcer sufferers. All of her food is bland like a motherfucker and cooked to mush.

Sam would probably love her cooking.

I once saw her fuck up Ortega tacos so bad that my kids refused to eat them... fucking Ortega tacos? How do you fuck up a taco kit? Here's how... she used half the ground beef spice pack because you know how viciously hot and spicy that stuff is, right? She doesn't understand what "browning" hamburger means... she just dumped the water and spice pack on top of the raw hamburger in the pan and slow cooked it to a lumpy clay-like quagmire. She didn't use some nice shredded cheddar or the taco mix shredded cheese(What? Is she made of money to buy the fancy gourmet fromages?) She fucking sliced up Kraft cheese singles and threw those on top of the tacos. She used canned chopped tomatoes, and she threw the taco sauce packet that comes with the kit in the trash, "Satan's urine! That scorching hot poison will burn the guts right out of the children!"

My kids took one look at the taco disaster she whipped up and they had microwave popcorn for dinner.

I once got conned into one of her "Thanksgiving feasts"...once... once. Never again. Imagine... a cheapshit grocery store giveaway turkey(incinerated and totally unseasoned), sweet potatoes(out of a can), cranberry sauce(out of a can), gravy(powder out of a packet), Stove Top stuffing(served undercooked and crunchy), overboiled broccoli paste, soupy, overcooked mashed potato slop(wallpaper paste), corn(yep... again, out of the trusty can).

Oh what a joyous feast we had! Of spaghetti... which I made for the family after we got home after my mother-in-law's "Thanksgiving extravaganza".

Never trust a "cook" whose go-to kitchen tool is a can opener.
 

whiskeyguy

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#7
My dad was pretty bad, so we just kept giving him shit until he got got at two things (spaghetti and tacos) and just never made anything else. If he had to cook five straight nights he would alternate those two meals for four of them and then get a pizza for the fifth night. I lived with him for a bit when my parents split up and just ended up making my own food or eating out.
 

Haeder

South Dakota
Mar 30, 2005
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#9
My grandma was an atrocious cook. Whenever we went to visit - always for a weekend or more because she lived 6 hours away - dad always made a point of stopping for what he called his "last meal" at an interstate truck stop before finishing the last hour of the drive.

One grandma meal that sticks in my mind consisted of boiling hot dogs. All well and good. Nothing wrong with dirty water dogs. Until she decided that there wasn't going to be enough to feed all of us. Then she added bacon and some chicken into the mix. Yep......boiled bacon. Mixed with boiled chicken and boiled hot dogs. Gave the hot dogs an odd flavor that I've never experienced since.

Mom insisted on cooking meat until all of the juice evaporated. Under a broiler. Things were deemed "done" when the bone started to curl. We went through a lot of 57 Sauce on steak night. Unless the bottle was almost empty. Then we were forced to share a carefully rationed bottle of watered down 57 Sauce.
 

foyb

Registered User
Mar 18, 2007
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#10
My dad's mom was a horrible cook. I ate at her house 3 times a year. Every meal was exactly the same, same shitty dry turkey, same lumpy mashed potatoes with no butter in them, same shitty canned cranberry sauce, served in the exact same bowl every time. How you can make a turkey in a broiler bag thing and have it come out dry is beyond me, but she figured it out.
 
Dec 8, 2004
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#11
I thinking the grossest thing I ever had was when my buddies dad made scrambled eggs... he basically fried up a pound of bacon... then made the scrambled eggs in the bacon grease... gah.

Also do remember this other guy who wanted his roast cooked... and cooked... and cooked... until it "falls off the bone"... basically took a nice prime rib and turned it into a combination shoe leather/sawdust concoction.

Really stinks that my chick trained as a chef though... tee hee.
 

Atomic Fireball

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#12
My wife says, I baked two kinds of biscuits; take your pick. I say no thanks, I'll use my hammer
 

Chino Kapone

Yo, whats wrong wit da beer we got?
Jun 10, 2005
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#13
I can just taste the awfulness in this thread.

My mom said when I was a kid, my dad made a meal... I was like 5 years old... and just started crying because of how awful it was. I try to cook whenever my pops is around because of how awful he is... and it's like he thinks my cooking is shit, so he is always trying to keep me from cooking....
 

Creasy Bear

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#14
Almost forgot about my older brother "The Grill Master".

4th of July one year. I went to Costco and got one of those slabs of prime rib/filet. Expensive, but worth the price. I lovingly, and with great skill, sliced then into perfect 6 oz filets which I wrapped in bacon and seasoned with the Montreal seasoning. Fucking perfection.

"The Grill Master" took over after that and fuck me, but I didn't give it a second thought. Twenty minutes later... "The Grill Master" walks in with a plate piled high with charcoal briquettes. The fucking mongoloid had slapped them down on a scorching hot grill and incinerated them for his standard SIX MINUTES PER SIDE!!!!

Twelve fucking minutes on high for six ounce filet mignons.

I could've fucking cried. This was about ten years ago, and still to this day, I'll only trust him to grill hot dogs. I haven't even granted him hamburger privileges yet.
 

Chino Kapone

Yo, whats wrong wit da beer we got?
Jun 10, 2005
16,959
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608
#15
Almost forgot about my older brother "The Grill Master".

4th of July one year. I went to Costco and got one of those slabs of prime rib/filet. Expensive, but worth the price. I lovingly, and with great skill, sliced then into perfect 6 oz filets which I wrapped in bacon and seasoned with the Montreal seasoning. Fucking perfection.

"The Grill Master" took over after that and fuck me, but I didn't give it a second thought. Twenty minutes later... "The Grill Master" walks in with a plate piled high with charcoal briquettes. The fucking mongoloid had slapped them down on a scorching hot grill and incinerated them for his standard SIX MINUTES PER SIDE!!!!

Twelve fucking minutes on high for six ounce filet mignons.

I could've fucking cried. This was about ten years ago, and still to this day, I'll only trust him to grill hot dogs. I haven't even granted him hamburger privileges yet.

It should be engrained in a man on how to cook a steak.... That is just ridiculous. I can understand why you're still pissed.
 
Jun 2, 2005
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#16
Almost forgot about my older brother "The Grill Master".

4th of July one year. I went to Costco and got one of those slabs of prime rib/filet. Expensive, but worth the price. I lovingly, and with great skill, sliced then into perfect 6 oz filets which I wrapped in bacon and seasoned with the Montreal seasoning. Fucking perfection.

"The Grill Master" took over after that and fuck me, but I didn't give it a second thought. Twenty minutes later... "The Grill Master" walks in with a plate piled high with charcoal briquettes. The fucking mongoloid had slapped them down on a scorching hot grill and incinerated them for his standard SIX MINUTES PER SIDE!!!!

Twelve fucking minutes on high for six ounce filet mignons.

I could've fucking cried. This was about ten years ago, and still to this day, I'll only trust him to grill hot dogs. I haven't even granted him hamburger privileges yet.
......

I would have locked his ass in his grill for my standard "until the fucking fire is extinguished with the blood of the infidel".
 

BIV

I'm Biv Dick Black, the Over Poster.
Apr 22, 2002
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#17
While my mom isn't horrible...but she isn't good. At some time after I moved out my dad took over the cooking duties and thankfully he is quite good at it. I don't know if it was ever a stated, deliberate decision, but my father seems to be a much happier man.

One classic story my dad likes to tell is how, after getting back from a morning of hunting mallards, he entrusted the cleaned breasts to her. And she cooked them like chicken. Granted, she was about as suburban as you can get and had never even seen mallard meat, but still...
 

NoRez

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#18
I'm a chick who reads Esquire (excellent articles and I'd rather look at cute guys in fashion ads than women) - anyway, they always have a really good cooking article in each issue. They have a cookbook I REALLY want called 'Eat like a Man' or 'Cook Like a Man,' something like that. Really good recipes that read like the cooking-in-prison scene in Goodfellas.

You gotta share this with your dad somehow. Maybe pick up a copy of the mag and just casually leave it around open to the food article (forgot what it is this month; my boss is borrowing it right now.) Say 'hey dad, we should try this....' He needs to learn to start simply and then IF NEEDED, add. What he's doing sounds like stoner food from hell. Sometimes More Cheese is wrong, sick as that sounds....

My mom cooked things until they were good and cooked. I have no idea how I got through it with a complete and total love of vegetables (AND cooking) but somehow the stuff she cooked great (brisket, roast chicken, matzoh balls) overshadowed the bad (bacon, pancakes, hamburgers....)
 

d0uche_n0zzle

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#19
Both my grandmothers were awful, horrid, Mick cooks. They could burn boiled water.

Thankfully, my mom taught herself to cook (must have been the Sicilian side breaking through) and she is a really good cook.

Except, the one Christmas when she mixed cannoli filling into the potatoes au gratin. I took one bite and refused to eat it. Everyone else were too polite and ate it. Dessert rolls around and the connection was made.

Fucking polite idiots never learn.
 
Dec 8, 2004
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#20
Both my grandmothers were awful, horrid, Mick cooks. They could burn boiled water.

Thankfully, my mom taught herself to cook (must have been the Sicilian side breaking through) and she is a really good cook.

Except, the one Christmas when she mixed cannoli filling into the potatoes au gratin. I took one bite and refused to eat it. Everyone else were too polite and ate it. Dessert rolls around and the connection was made.

Fucking polite idiots never learn.
I only have to deal with a boiled dinner once a year... thank God.
 

Creasy Bear

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#21
Both my grandmothers were awful, horrid, Mick cooks. They could burn boiled water.

Thankfully, my mom taught herself to cook (must have been the Sicilian side breaking through) and she is a really good cook.

Except, the one Christmas when she mixed cannoli filling into the potatoes au gratin. I took one bite and refused to eat it. Everyone else were too polite and ate it. Dessert rolls around and the connection was made.

Fucking polite idiots never learn.
My grandmother Murphy... she would've tossed a Kobe beef prime rib into a pot of boiling water if you didn't keep an eye on her.

She could do a corned beef or a mutton stew that would melt in your mouth, but she was hopeless at any cooking that didn't involve a large pot bubbling for hours on end. I remember the time she attempted eggplant parmesan... your teeth didn't stand a chance... that shit would've dulled a new pair of tin snips.
 

Motor Head

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#22
My mother is Italian. ITALIAN, and she makes one good thing, pasta with homemade gravy with the pork and the veal meatballs. The rest of her food is SHIT.

1. At Christmas a few years ago she got the bright idea to put beautifully marbled Porterhouse steaks into an Italian Salad Dressing Marinade and bake them. The awfulness cannot be put into words.
2. Green motherfucking bell peppers in EVERYTHING. She put in Lasagne once and I refused to eat it.
3. Egg plant parmesan - mushy slop, watered down sauce (see #4) and she skimps on the cheese.
4. The days she makes spaghetti out of a jar, she uses tap water, at least more then a cup to wash the sauce out of the jar that sticks to the side, so it's not really spaghetti sauce, it's seasoned tomato soup.
5. Garlic Salt. Everything, garlic salt. She put it in hamburger helper one time and it tasted like I put a clove of garlic in my mouth and washed it down with ocean water.

Dad wasn't much better. Fucking stew, every fucking day if mom was working late there was dad with a giant can of Dinty Moore Stew. I'm convinced the meat in that shit was rejected by dog food companies.
 

Creasy Bear

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#23
A trick I stumbled upon...

I was making meatballs once, and I realized I was out of breadcrumbs.

I put some dry Stove Top stuffing in my food processor and chopped it up. It worked! The seasoning worked really good in the meatballs. I'm not claiming I was the first one to ever do this, but it came to me in a flash of inspiration, and it worked. Give it a try... good eats... I guar-own-tee.
 

Sinn Fein

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#24
My mother... Not awful, as in stuff doesn't get burned/undercooked or otherwise ruined. It's just not good. The operative words are PLAIN and BLAND which I guess is what she prefers tastewise - so that is what everyone gets all the time. Anything with a minimal amount of flavor was always deemed "too spicy" (that was said about the red sauce @ Carabba's when we went there once). And as she got older, it got worse. My grandmother, on the other hand, was a solid cook - one of the many reasons I miss her.

I haven't lived at home for over 20 years. But, I still know that Monday night is boiled hotdogs... Saturday night is steak sandwiches, and by that I mean like one slice of Steak-Um on an Amoroso roll. Cheese wasn't generally part of the equation unless my father demanded it. The other nights consist of whatever she can slap together with minimal effort. Friday night was sometimes the only escape when I was a kid. We could order out for pizza if a) we whined enough, and b) she just didn't feel like cooking.

Spaghetti was almost always made with sauce from a jar, whatever was on sale at the grocery store. I have memories of "homemade" sauce from my younger days but that involved some kind or packet of seasoning that was added to tomato paste and water. The development of those frozen instant mashed potatoes led to the end of homemade ones.

The one thing that was always good was roast beef, made in a pressure cooker. But she hasn't done that probably since I was a teenager, and I am 40 now. Recently, I was over there once and witnessed something being made that was supposed to be chicken parm. It was frozen chicken patties with a dollop of sauce from a jar and a sprinkle of shredded mozzarella that got thrown in the convection microwave.

Now, my father practically lives on stuff that is pre-prepared frozen stuff that just gets microwaved or tossed in the oven - basically, glorified TV dinners. I think most of it is because my parents have a simply awful kitchen that needed to be upgraded 25 years ago. But, my mother hates for anything to change and he doesn't have the stones to just do it whether she likes it or not. Stuff gets replaced when it dies.

Generally, Thanksgiving would be good. Plain, but good. Baked potatoes, usual veggies, cranberry sauce from a can, Stove-Top stuffing 99% of the time, plain turkey done in the oven - no kind of marinade, no rub, no seasoning, nothing.

My brother got a turkey fryer like 7-8 years ago. I haven't had turkey any other way since. He brought it over here a few times and we did Thanksgiving here, and other years we went to his place. My mother made a big stink the first time about how much she didn't like it - so our parents haven't gotten an invite since and never will again.
 

Creasy Bear

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#25
I have memories of "homemade" sauce from my younger days but that involved some kind or packet of seasoning that was added to tomato paste and water.
That would be Kraft Spaghetti Dinner, my friend. Old school.



A staple of every discerning white trash household dinner table. I remember it well.