What the F??!? Texas State Fair

ShooterMcGavin

Go back to your shanties.
May 25, 2005
18,028
1,380
643
#1
I went to Dallas this weekend for the OU-Texas game (or as the awful stadium announcer called it, "The Red River Rivary." No, he wasn't Chinese. In fact, he sounded a lot like the spaceshullendevurrr guy), and it was really fun. However, something has to be done about its location.

The "Red River Rivalry" is currently held at the Cotton Bowl stadium, which is in the heart of just a LOVELY part of Dallas and within the state fairgrounds. I hear they are moving the Cotton Bowl to a new stadium in 2010, but the OU-TX game is still going to be played at that shitheap until like 2015.

Let's start by talking about the location.

The state fairgrounds is located on Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd, just down the road from Malcolm X Blvd. That alone should give you an idea of what kind of area this is. In fact, I'm not going to get into details about it; I'll just leave it at that.

(By the way, kind of funny that the COTTON Bowl is on MLK blvd. Wocka Wocka)

In order to get to the stadium, you've got to pass through the Texas State Fair. Why is this a problem? They don't accept cash. Nope. It's one of those COUPON fairs.

Want a beer? Well you've got to stand in line for an hour to get coupons, and then weave through the crowd, the virtual wall of flab, this million man march of fat people eating greasy fair food, to wait in line for a beer. Beer is 10 coupons. How much is 10 coupons? $5.00. Thankfully I'm not legally old enough to drink yet, so I didn't have to deal with all that. Although I had a lot of water, and that's 5 coupons, approx. $2.50.

I HATE fairs. Bunch of shirtless (yes, shirtless) fat sweaty slobs pushing and shoving, breathing on you, making you sweat yourself because of all the body heat around you. It was probably around 80 degrees in Dallas, but at the fair it was around 110 just from the fucking body heat and the piss vapors from the concrete. Not to mention it had just rained, so add that humidity and you've got yourself a great climate.

The stadium is an old piece of shit. Hallways are narrow, the food is awful, but at least they accept cash. If you want a beer, though, you've got to exit the stadium and run out to the fair for more coupons.

The bathrooms are awful, but then again, all stadium bathrooms are terrible. Someone could build a stadium with reclining cushioned seats and air conditioning and the whole works, and the bathroom would still be the same as every other awful stadium mens room. But the fair bathrooms as well as the bathrooms at the stadium were 5 times worse than the worst public restroom you've ever taken a piss in. The sinks didn't even work like proper sinks. You had to hold down a button for water to come out, so it is a pain in the ass to wash your hands.

You know how when you go to a bowling alley or a bar and once you get home you just reek of smoke? Well, when I got back to the hotel from the game, I could actually smell the piss and shit vapors on my wet clothes (it rained after the game). That's how awful the fucking experience is.


But, it was a good game. The Sooners won, and thankfully we didn't go into overtime, so it wasn't dark out when we walked back to our car on fucking Jesse Jackson St. or Tupac Blvd or wherever we were parked in that awful area. It's funny how people in the neighborhood were offering parking at their houses. Yeah, sure. Let's park our car at this gentleman's fine house with the barred windows and the Rotweiler out back. I'm sure nothing will get stolen and no one will get mugged.
 

weeniewawa

it's a man, baby!!!
May 21, 2005
12,076
1,267
593
Hell,California
#3
I would think the Ok fans would get tired of driving to texas every time and it should be held in their state every other year.
Yea park in front of my house so I don't have to leave my place to steal your stereo
 

abudabit

New Wackbag
Oct 10, 2004
14,802
0
0
#4
Dallas is closer to OU than UT I think.
 

ShooterMcGavin

Go back to your shanties.
May 25, 2005
18,028
1,380
643
#5
I would think the Ok fans would get tired of driving to texas every time and it should be held in their state every other year.
Sir, it's the biggest rivalry in college football. It's the only rivalry game held at a bowl stadium with the fans from each team split up into each half of the stadium.

We'll never get tired of driving to Texas. And UT fans will never tire of driving from Austin. It's only 3 hours.

What both parties are tired of, however, is the fact we have to deal with the fucking fair grounds.
 

Ant's_rapier

Finger of God
Jan 19, 2006
1,016
0
0
Dallas,TX
#7
problem is that game has been held there forever and is a staple of the State Fair. They tried to move to a new venue but the City of Dallas wooed both schools into keeping the game at the Cotton Bowl. Try going there for Grambling vs. Prarie Veiw. Thats the darkest weekend at the fair.
 

ShooterMcGavin

Go back to your shanties.
May 25, 2005
18,028
1,380
643
#8
problem is that game has been held there forever and is a staple of the State Fair. They tried to move to a new venue but the City of Dallas wooed both schools into keeping the game at the Cotton Bowl. Try going there for Grambling vs. Prarie Veiw. Thats the darkest weekend at the fair.
At least they fit right in with the rest of the neighborhood. lulz
 

ShooterMcGavin

Go back to your shanties.
May 25, 2005
18,028
1,380
643
#9
A revised rant, which I have posted in my Facebook and MySpace blogs:

If someone were to ask me, "Travis, would you like to go to the state fair?"

I would say, "Let's get some coffee first."

I would then buy a cup of coffee, turn to this friend, and throw the coffee in his/her face as he/she is fiddling with the sweeteners.

I hate state fairs. I don't see why people feel the need to get excited about them. What, you want to play some darts and win a stuffed elephant for your crush in hopes that a toy is going to provoke that whore to bury your cock in her throat?

Allow me to further explain my hatred for fairs by addressing one of them in particular: the Texas State Fair.

I try to attend the OU-Texas game every year. It's the biggest rivalry in college football, and the only one held at a bowl stadium, and by bowl I mean both as a BCS stadium and also a toilet bowl, figuratively speaking.

The stadium really is a piece of shit. The hallways are narrow, the concessions are absolute garbage, the bathrooms are musty and haven't been cleaned since desegregation, and the location is extremely inconvenient.

But enough about the stadium, let's talk about the fair.

First of all, the fairgrounds are located in a lovely part of Dallas. It's always fun to walk down Martin Luther King Blvd. from Malcolm X Blvd. and look at all the lovely establishments on the way. There are beautiful bars on all the windows and doors, and the walls of every business are decorated with such brilliant works of art by the local gangs. And I'm sure if the game had gone into overtime, everyone would have had a great time walking back to their cars in the dark.

Anyway, in order to reach the stadium, one must journey through a maze of corn dogs, turkey legs, and $5.00 beers. That's right, the Cotton Bowl is held in the heart of the Texas State Fair.

Everywhere you turn, you will see a food stand. No matter where you are, you'll never have to walk further than five feet for a laxative on a stick. And what happens if you find yourself crazy enough to consume this barbequed abortion? If you think you can just walk up and pay, think again.

That's right folks, this is one of those coupon fairs. If you want anything, you've got to stand in line for an hour for coupons, then use those to get your food. 10 coupons is five dollars. Doesn't seem like much until you spend all of them for a cup of watered-down beer.

With all this food around, it's no surprise that 80% of fair-goers are overweight. This is my biggest problem with every state fair. To get anywhere, you have to squeeze through this virtual wall of flab. Fairs are nothing but thousands of obese monsters; pushing and shoving, sweating, breathing on you, it's fucking awful. It was about 75 degrees in Dallas that day, but at the fair it was around 110 because of all the body heat. It rained as well, so add some humidity and you have yourself a great climate.

You're hot, sweaty, and uncomfortable, so you drink lots of water. Eventually, you've got to take a piss (that is if you haven't lost all hydration due to perspiration already). The bathrooms are exquisite. Musty environment, wet floors, un-flushed toilets, and broken sinks are what give these restrooms their appeal. I had a nose bleed during the game and had the pleasure of standing in the bathroom for 30 minutes while cramming dirty napkins up my nostrils. It was truly a life altering experience. If you ever have the means, spend a half an hour in the bathrooms at the stadium. It'll blow your mind-- Wait, no, sorry. That sound was actually someone's colon exploding.

You know how you'll get home from a bowling alley or a bar and your clothes will just reek of smoke? Well, spending some time in these bathrooms will send you home with a natural aroma of urine and feces. The piss and shit vapors clung to my wet clothes like a resident of the surrounding neighborhood would cling to a bucket of chicken. I seriously smelled like I just returned from filming a German porn film.

I wish I could say the fair won't be a problem for long, but I heard it will continue being a problem for at least another 8 years. The actual BCS Cotton Bowl will be moved to a new stadium in 2010, but OU and Texas will continue to play at this shit heap until at least 2015 or something. I would much rather break tradition and start playing at each other's stadiums until Dallas lets us play somewhere else than continue this horseshit.

Oh well, at least OU won. It was a great game, and as far as I know, everyone got home safe. Someone always gets shit stolen from them though. Maybe that's what you get for turning into the more obscure parts of the neighborhood and paying someone to park in their driveway.
 

N.Y. Johnny

Fake Twitter Friend
Sep 9, 2005
1,885
0
441
Texas
#10
I concur, I've been to this thing before, not the OU game because some friends of mine fagged out and got drunk at the fair and spent our ticket money on drinking, but the fair is attrocious. It feels like your in fucking Mozambique Africa or something worse...its terrible and he's dead on about piss and shit vapors. Its like a fucking 3rd world country down here and you better have CUE Pons as the they say because they won't accept cash. They'll gladly pick your pocket and take the cash but you get the idea, its horrible.
 
Aug 11, 2005
27,637
4
51
#11
Shooter, you sure are picky not to be even to be 21 yet.
Kids your age go to the fair to pick up up chicks and thats all