Your Wittiest Moment Ever

Slow Bollards

Bollards...sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?
Apr 28, 2005
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SILLY-delphia!
#1
Since so many of us baggers have such exceptional senses of humor, I was wondering what some of your proudest moments may be in terms of well-crafted jokes during conversational situations. We can all think back to situations and wish we would have thought of x,y, or z...but I'm talking about times when the stars perfectly aligned, the clouds parted, and you were able to say the perfect line with perfect timing and delivery.

While working in a music store a couple guys and myself were discussing whether we liked binding on guitars (if you look at a guitar and it has a thin white outline around its body, neck, etc, that's binding). Anyway, one guy who historically only dated Asian women expressed that he never like binding, but I reminded him that he certainly liked foot binding.

OK, its not the best joke ever, and I apologize for the backstory, but afterward i couldn't believe how preternaturally fast it came from me, I still remember the look on the kids face and giggle. Flame me if you need to, but I am curious to hear some of your stories cuz there are some funny mother fuckers here.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
42,918
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#3
i have lots of witty moments almost every day, so its hard for me to pick one, most of them are right here on the board, but since i work with a bunch of savages i can get a lot of good ones in, its a shame that my boss has no understanding of sarcasm because he is the brunt of most of them, that and the local PD, i deal with a lot of them, ever time more than one or two are hanging around my shop i have a "free donuts" sign that i hang on my tool box.
 

LiddyRules

I'm Gonna Be The Bestest Pilot In The Whole Galaxy
Jun 1, 2005
143,016
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#4
"Looks like that dog's barking up the wrong Bush!"
 

MrAbovePar

En Taro Anthony
Mar 14, 2005
13,781
3,173
678
Covington. La
#5
This is like asking me to recount all the different foods I have ever eaten.

Today they had this exchange in the house

Fiance's Cousin: Crystal(lesbian) has been having a lot of teeth problems. She already has two caps.
Me: I got a fake tooth myself. Who knew eating box could rot your teeth. I guess [my fiance's] relatives must get a lot of action.
My fiance: No honey. That's crack causing that.
 
May 27, 2005
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Marlton, NJ
#6
I was talking with my Uncle once before work and he started complaining to me about his relationship with my Aunt. Then he stopped himself (realizing that it was a little too personal) and said "Sometimes I wish my cock was long enough to be able to give myself a blowjob"

After an uncomfortable moment, I said "Speak for yourself!"

I'd never seen him laugh so hard in my life.
 
Feb 20, 2006
8,646
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**** Island
#8
I remember once at a college party in the mid 90s when some attention whore was sucking all the fun out of the room telling some long-winded story about how she burnt her hands when she was a kid. I held up my both my hands and in my best Jolsen voice yelled "Mammy! Mammy!". She softly said "no....no" and then everything went silent for about 20 seconds while I smiled at all the horrified faces around me. It was my moment to shine.





.
 

MJMANDALAY

Registered User
Jan 26, 2005
13,145
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#9
When ever someone drops something
I say hey you dropped something
 

commish13

Personal Friend of Chris Jericho
May 24, 2005
4,110
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Emerson, NJ
#10
One of my proudest moments was a comeback I had for the sarcastic bitch bull dyke of a boss I had years ago when I first started working at Shoprite. I'm annoyed that like a week later I had forgotten the line forever, but it was great. She was yelling at us for something, and she said something that put me in perfect position to say something to shut her up, and I did it, and she kind of just looked shocked and walked away. It was pretty awesome. It worked for me, too, as I became the only guy at the store who would actually stand up to her when she was bitchy for no reason, and it kind of became my thing when it came to douchebag managers we ended up having in the store.

Them's was the days.
 
P

Pigment Pen

Guest
#11
I was doing a job in an old folks home. My partner and I were walking down the hall when this old lady with a hump on her back walked by and said hi. I turned to my partner and said "she doesn't know exactly why we're here, but she has a hunch."
 

cozzie

head retard
Aug 7, 2005
1,482
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Norristown PA
#13
Iused to work in a small bar, one night a way hot chick came in with some freinds, they went back to play some pool. The ugly ones came up and got the beers. The girls kept pointing towards me and finally the hot one came up and asks me if i would give them " a round " on the house . I said sure , and I told her I could smell that she wanted to fuck me when she walked in the door, She blushed, and a couple hours later I was taking the jackhammer to her.
 

GLENN_THE_TOOL

The reward is cheese.
May 23, 2005
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#14
i do recall one. i was in my photography class my senior year of high school, and the teacher started telling us this story about a time he got hit on by this gorgeous woman but then later finds out that she's really a tranny. he says "Here's this woman as beautiful as Halle Berry, but instead i found out she's..." and he pauses, giving me the perfect opening. i blurt out "Chuck Berry?" and the whole room erupts in laughter. i was just surprised that a bunch of high school students in 2003 even knew who Chuck Berry was, so i was relieved and quite proud of myself that the line killed.
 

AngryPest

Registered User
Mar 3, 2005
583
5
433
#15
I never did something like this before. It sort of just happened.

I'm in a card store looking for a Father's day card. A respectable looking golfer and his Caucasian girlfriend are also looking. I’m right behind them.

He starts making a scene about the lack of minority themed Father’s day cards. “I guess there are no black fathers in America” he say’s loudly to the elderly cashier. I reply in a normal voice “ At least none that stick around. There are plenty of where’s daddy cards down isle 2”. It just slipped out. Right after I said it I realized I was probably going to get a punch in the face. He didn’t punch me he just called me a racist and his girlfriend screamed at me. It was worth it.
 

Plunkies

Registered User
Jun 28, 2006
6,050
2,802
543
#16
One time my friend called up and said "You wanna play some poker?"
I says "Poker? I hardly know her!"

We loffed and loffed.
 

MetalSign

O&A Curmudgeon
Dec 22, 2002
2,353
0
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Orlando, FL
#17
He starts making a scene about the lack of minority themed Father’s day cards. “I guess there are no black fathers in America” he say’s loudly to the elderly cashier. I reply in a normal voice “ At least none that stick around. There are plenty of where’s daddy cards down isle 2”. It just slipped out. Right after I said it I realized I was probably going to get a punch in the face. He didn’t punch me he just called me a racist and his girlfriend screamed at me. It was worth it.

Holy shit dude. I salute you for having the balls to say that. I literally laughed when I read your post.

You have touched my funny bone, sir. Teeheeheeeee.


NO HOMO
 

AngryPest

Registered User
Mar 3, 2005
583
5
433
#18
On any other day I would have never have done it. I had an absolute sh*t day and my father had unloaded on me and there I was in a store buying him a card. I just didn't care.
 

Smokezilla

U. S. Backstroke Roulette Champion
Jul 30, 2005
6,275
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BumFuck-Egypt, KY
#20
I have a job where I get to be a dick ever single day of my life (to the people who fuck with me first). . . I have people's cars repo'd for nonpayment. If the customers give me shit, I can be a real fucking prick. REMEMBER: I've got the car; I've got the leverage 99% of the time. I've had a lot of shit slung at me and I love sending the "high heat" right at 'em. . . It's hillarious at times when you're arguing about the in's-and-out's of the legalities concerning self-help repossession with some "shadetree attorney" who thinks you don't know the laws in your own state where you've been collecting money for decades. My favorite line: ". . . Mr. Smith, your credit application indicates you work at the City Dump. . . It doesn't say anything about your law practice. . . where did you go to Law School?" HA!!!!

You go figure it out. . . I'm a smartass prick plus I'm a Wackbagger. . . it's almost unfair at times the shit I lay on 'em.:D:p
 

Garyisajoke

I created FRED, fuckface. Show some respect.
Nov 20, 2005
3,581
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D.C.
#21
Can't say they're my wittiest but they're the first that came to mind (copy and pasted from PestBoxLive:)

I talk too much and a lot of times I look like an asshole. I'm going to post stupid things I've said - on purpose or not - that went over very poorly. Do the same.

So I'm about three weeks into working at my first paper and I'm out with three of the other writers (and for the first time, their girlfriends.) And somehow the conversation gets to how each person sleeps at night, be it on their back, side, stomach, etc. So we're having a conversation and "All Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix comes on the jukebox.

So I say... "Well, we all know how Jimi slept. Right?"

The writers got it, cringed and laughed... but the girlfriends didn't get it. So I continued.. "You know... because he died choking on his own vomit... well... of course it was his own vomit... if it wasn't... that'd just be weird."

They didn't like me after that. It wasn't even that bad, but they thought I was weird and an asshole. It didn't help when I threw up all over one of their front lawns at a party.
 

Garyisajoke

I created FRED, fuckface. Show some respect.
Nov 20, 2005
3,581
0
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D.C.
#22
Another:

I'm at Chili's (not Applebees, calm down Rabbit) a few months ago when I was still with my chick and they were doing this promotion for children's cancer research. I guess the deal isl: they bring you a little picture of a chili and a cup of crayons expecting me to color it, donate a buck and have them throw it on the wall. The waitress lays down the sheet of paper and crayons. I quickly dump them out on the table, look her straight in the eye and say, "Do you have any black crayons?"

"I don't think so. Why?" she replied.

"Because I want to draw a tumor," I said.

She looked mortified.

I didn't draw a tumor (I majored in Communication in college so I clearly have no idea what a tumor looks like.) Well, that and the fat cunt didn't bring me a goddamn black crayon. I ended up drawing a bunch of baseball caps inside the chili instead.
 

Garyisajoke

I created FRED, fuckface. Show some respect.
Nov 20, 2005
3,581
0
0
D.C.
#23
One more. Not the best, but I usually say my best things under some sort of influence. Here's another from work:

As per custom with Moore County Board of Commissioners meetings, today's started with the Lord's Prayer, led by some 80-year-old preacher with jet-black hair (yeah, it looked really natural.) "Bow your heads and pray with us," he announced to the eight in attendance.

I don't buy into it. I'll stand quietly out of respect and restrain myself from laughing as the man stumbles over every third word (it would seem that his religious upbringing forced him to ignore English class as well as science.) But I don't bow my head. I don't close my eyes and pretend to have a personal one-on-one with JC and I don't say "Amen." That's just my prerogative and if there is a hell, I'll probably be doing cannonballs into the Lake of Fire.

What irked me, though, is when some piece of shit called me on it after the meeting. "You didn't close your eyes during the prayer," said some fat, overall'ed cocksucker. "That's disrespectful to our lord."

I don't back down from confrontations so easily, however. "How did you see me then?" I countered. "And if you saw my eyes were open, yours were too... you fucking idiot hypocrite."

No response. He simply walked away, his dignity ripped away by someone a third his age and his utter hypocrisy exposed for all to see. Today's lesson, boys and girls, is that I hate living in the fucking Bible Belt.
 

THE FEZ MAN

as a matter of fact i dont have 5$
Aug 23, 2002
42,918
9,793
848
#24
i love seeing the separation of church and state is alive and well in 2007
 

Dikbag

Registered User
Dec 11, 2004
3,344
248
558
NW Ohio
#25
I was doing a job in an old folks home. My partner and I were walking down the hall when this old lady with a hump on her back walked by and said hi. I turned to my partner and said "she doesn't know exactly why we're here, but she has a hunch."
:clap::haha7::clap::haha7::clap::haha7::clap::haha7::clap: